Volume 1 Edition 2
February 12, 2014
THE LETTUCE
School Day Canceled; Teachers Too Afraid of the Dark
Monday morning opened at an area high school with cries from students expressing that they
“couldn’t believe it was already Monday.” How rare it was to see students so eager to learn.
Unfortunately, when students attempted to enter the math building, they were shocked to find that
“We were
prepared to
live the rest of
our lives
inside of the
building”
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all of the lights had been shut off; even more surprisingly, the students
discovered a group of math teachers huddled in a corner, trying to start a
fire using two wooden rulers and old geometry homework.
“It was a very traumatic experience,” explained Mrs. Wuddlestein, an
Algebra II teacher. “Some of us believed that the school had become
haunted overnight. We were too afraid to open the door in case the spirits
would be let out into the world. In fact, we were prepared to live the rest
of our lives inside of the building. It was quite noble of us, really.”
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February 12, 2014
With only minutes before the school day
needed to officially begin, the administration
attempted to remediate the situation by
contacting the janitors, but they were all
attending a National Janitorial Conference in
New York City. As confusion escalated,
Principal Knotsy decided to take matters into
its own hands.
Knotsy, who has established a reputation for
his innovation and intellect, decided to enter
each classroom individually in order to prove
that the building was not haunted. However,
he found that while there were no visible
ghosts on the school premises, the lights still
would not turn on.
“I tried everything I could,” Knotsy claims. “I
waved my hand in front of the lights, I
started clapping, I unscrewed each light bulb
and screwed it back in. I even smashed a couple to try to get a spark. Nothing seemed to be
working.”
With hordes of students assuming the fetal position around the campus and three calculus teachers
requiring new sets of pants, Knotsy had no choice but to cancel the
remainder of the school day.
“I unscrewed “It’s really saddening that these kids will have to waste such a beautiful
each light bulb day outside instead of reading from textbooks indoors,” Knotsy
and screwed discusses disappointedly. “I’m sure that the students are all very upset
too. I expect that many of them will spend the next six and a half hours
it back in”
studying, unable to determine what else to do with so many extra hours
in their lives.”
It was only five minutes after Knotsy had given the official announcement that he realized he had
forgotten to flip the light switches on.
- Shaan Somani
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February 12, 2014
Valentine’s Day: Prince Charming
A student by the name of Eric has been charged for what appears to be a sexual assault, but the
facts, as always, are not as straightforward
as the court would like. Eric recalls that he
had been down in the dumps after being
rejected a record 7 times by the same girl in a
single half hour marathon last Friday. Eric,
however, understood that she really did want
to go out with him—he just hadn’t tried hard
enough yet. “7 was really just low-balling it,
8th time’s the charm!” said an optimistic Eric
in a blog post following the setback. Knowing
that her conscious mind was clouding her
inner desires, Eric waited outside her home
until she fell asleep. Eric then infiltrated the
premises and kissed her in her sleep. Talk
about bravery! “I don’t know why she
slapped me or called the cops—I was just
doing what she wanted me to do,” recalls
Eric, “I was her Prince Charming, she was my
Sleeping Beauty. It was magical, just like Disney told me it would be!” Eric now faces charges of
“They’d be
fools not to
see that I was
just following
protocol”
sexual assault but remains confident that his “Disney Defense” will
prevail. “They’d be fools not to see that I was just following protocol,”
says Eric, brimming with accomplishment. “All my life my mom kept
telling me that I would be some lucky girl's Prince Charming. I don't
understand where I went wrong. I fondled a sleeping woman and later
coerced her into marrying me. That's how the story goes, right?” Right on,
Eric, right on.
In a similar story, Kevin, a senior in high school, found himself in a sticky situation when he came
across a girl with selective mutism (a condition in which a person is unable to speak in certain social
situations). After holding a conversation for an outstanding two and a half minutes, Kevin realized
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February 12, 2014
that he really did like quiet girls. So in typical Disney fashion, he went right in and planted one right
on her lips. That’s how it’s done! “Quiet girls remind me of The Little Mermaid,” remarked Kevin, “I
figured maybe she’d made a deal with a devil to get me
to fall in love with her. I could definitely dig it.” Kevin,
unlike Eric, got away without being slapped; instead, he
was shot point blank with a taser, leaving a slight burn
on his chest. “I guess that’s the price of love, a little give
and take, though I wish she didn’t have to take my chest
hair,” sighed Kevin as he reminisced from his cell.
With Valentine’s Day around the corner, the rest of the
single men in America can only be envious of Eric and
Kevin, who will never be lonely throughout their next six
months at the Pleasant Valley Men’s Correctional
Center. Kudos to them, and hopefully the search for love
bodes well for the rest of us too. Oh, and ladies, feel free
to hit up [email protected] if you want your own Prince Charming this Valentine’s Day.
- The Lettuce’s own “Prince Charming,” Skyler Ho
Edit: Author Skyler Ho has also been sent to join students Eric and Kevin after Mr. Ho was found
stalking and rampaging the city searching for someone with a shoe size “3.”
No Name Calling Is A Huge Success
Schools across the nation participated in a movement last week known as “No Name Calling Week”
in an effort to increase awareness that “words matter”. Some area high school students, however,
found difficulty in implementing the change.
“I didn’t really understand,” said high school junior Justin. “I mean, I get that bullying is bad and all.
But how did we solve anything by not calling people by their names?”
Over 100 teachers and 3000 area high school students signed the pledge to uphold a one-week
ban on first names, some going as far as to ban surnames and nicknames too.
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“Initially, it made it much more difficult to teach,”
explained geometry teacher Ms. Johnson. “Every time
a student tried to ask a question, I couldn’t give my
typical response of ‘Leave me alone, Ranjit.’ But I
eventually managed to find a way around the system.”
“I began characterizing student based on how they
looked,” Ms. Johnson described. “For instance, one of
my students, Lance, was wearing a yellow shirt. So
when he started talking in the middle of class, I told
him ‘Shut up, Tour de France.’
As the week progressed, even the students began to adopt this
method. Some have made lasting changes to their vernacular.
Sophomore Ryan claims, “This whole ‘No Name Calling’ thing has
been great. Now, whenever I meet a new person, I don’t have to
waste my time trying to memorize their name or learn stuff about
them. Instead, I just call everyone “Doofus” or “Moron.” It’s made
my life so much easier! I’ve even started to forget the names of my
closest friends!”
But even the most successful program will have its critics.
“My life last week was terrible,” claimed senior Rajesh. “All week, people kept on calling me
‘Stanford kid’ or ‘2400’. I didn’t even get a 2400! And I got accepted into Early Action Harvard, not
Stanford!”
With No Name Calling Week such a hit, there are rumored district-wide
“I’ve even
talks to implement a permanent No Name Calling Week, to be known as
started to
No Name Calling Lifetime. The idea of No Name Calling Lifetime has
forget the
been met with widespread support from both teachers and students
names of my alike. It seems that within the near future, students will no longer have to
closet friends” bother with names at all! Instead, students will stamped with a number
on their forehead for easier retention. But until its implementation, we
can only hope for the day in which names are solely remnants of the ancient past.
- “19-8-1-1-14”
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Recap of the Big Game
The last seconds of the game. A hushed audience. Suddenly, a roar filled the arena. The team won!
This local sports team is moving on to the state level, and everyone could not be less excited.
“We really had a good season this year. Good players, good teamwork, but the other team just
outplayed us…and I’m not saying I did anything, but I want my money back from the refs,” says the
coach of the losing team. As put by the modest star player, “I don’t know how we won. I was just
trying to make sure that the cheerleaders could see me flex a little, but I suppose that’s what it
takes to play a game like us.”
The game was very close, with the team almost unable to score in the first quarter, but later
managing to hold possession. “They had trouble getting the ball for a while before I realized that
they’d had the ball the entire time—I guess that’s what’s called a sports ‘miracle’,” reveals one
shocked spectator. Unfortunately, the crowd erupted into pandemonium during the first five
minutes of the game when people realized both teams had the same color scheme. Fans had
difficulty differentiating between their players and those from opposite teams, and distinguishing
between friendly and opposing audience members.
A brawl almost broke out when audience members began arguing about
“I got really
mad, needed
my homies to
hold me back”
which team had better colors. “I told him, our color is better than yours.
He kept repeating, ‘It’s the same color.’ I got really mad, needed my
homies to hold me back,” a participant discloses. While this team has
managed to clinch a spot in the state championships, it remains to be
seen whether or not it can marshal its efforts to advance. Until then, local
fans can only pray the color scheme is changed for next year.
- Harsh Wadhwa
Editor’s Note: Our sports crew unintentionally attended the wrong game for the wrong sport. An
honest mistake. Regrettably, they are currently being held for questioning in Sochi, Russia on how
they entered the country. Go team!
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