THE VALLEY
SUNRISE
-------------- May 15, 2014 ------------Award-Winning Newsletter for THREE CONSECUTIVE years (2010-2013)
Rotary Int’l President:
District 5160 Governor:
CVCS President:
Photographer:
Reporter:
Editor:
Ron Burton, Oklahoma
Steve Lack, Pleasant Hill
Bill Fuller
Clayton Worsdell
Bob Huck
Mureleen Benton
HOW IT STARTED
Captain or Pirate Bill rang the bell and called the meeting to order in the beautiful newly
reconstructed Monument Crisis Center. We enjoyed a continental breakfast with fruit, pastry,
juice, and coffee. The only thing missing might have been a fork or two.
Miles Bell led us in the Pledge facing a small flag.
Bob Huck provided the thought for the day about “don’t be afraid to try something new”.
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_____________GUESTS_______________
Dave Kemnitz introduced Brian Bushnell from Bay Alarm.
Clayton Worsdell introduced Jim Whitfield from Clayton who will be speaker next week.
Dave Kemnitz also introduced John Kirkwood a visiting Rotarian from Uganda. John shared
with us the TOFTA Educational Trust – educating the disadvantaged youth. The Rotary Club of
Jinja has supported this cause since 2003. The Mission is to enable the less fortunate youth of
East Africa to achieve their highest potential by providing opportunities and skills training not
otherwise available to them. All donations are welcome.
JOKES/MYSTERY GREETER
There were no birthdays, anniversaries or jokes?
The Mystery Greeter was Frank Westphall and a few dollars were collected.
HAPPY BUCKS________________________
Steve Weir is happy about the Amgen Tour and how challenging it is to climb Mt Diablo. Also
about his upcoming death ride and the Packard Club.
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Richard Lueck is happy that he and Clayton watched the Amgen tour as
official photographers and that they met an old fart named Steve.
Mureleen Benton is happy about her recent trip to
Bend, Oregon to visit her son. They rented a great
house and loved the view. Also very happy that
Steve Weir will be assisting with the newsletter.
Monica Fraga is happy about her next business trip
to Australia and her daughter’s upcoming high
school graduation. Also that her group of 350 is all
set for their trip to Mexico.
John Wolfe is happy that his brother in San
Marcos has survived the fire and that his brother in
Fort Collins has survived the snow storm.
Tommy Wolf thanked everyone that made
Tuesday night’s office party that lasted late.
Clayton Worsdell is happy that the Board
approved the purchase of Home Team shirts.
Ken Nishimori shared their recent trip to Truckee
to see their son and that a rock shattered the
windshield on Phyllis’s side of the car. Happy that
she was not injured and that they got the car fixed.
Hugh Toloui shared his recent trip to Beijing, China
and that BMWs are being copied there. He was
happy about his bargaining skills in buying a pair of
sunglasses.
Ben Wentling is happy that he will get to spend
some alone time with his daughter before her
wedding.
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_
CLUB STUFF_____________
Captain Bill called on Russ Anderson to
recite the 4-Way Test without the banner
and Russ got it almost perfect. (Editor’s
note: It’s Is it, Is it, Will it, Will it.)
Captain Bill called Joan D’Onofrio to
the front as she has quickly moved from
the red badge to the blue badge.
Somebody forgot to order the badge so she got a hat
instead.
Fred Nelson announced that there will be a past
presidents meeting tonight to plan the promo/demo
party.
Mureleen Benton, President of the Charitable Fund,
shared the results of her last meeting. She reminded
us that there are 3 ways to donate to Rotary; Rotary International,
Charitable Fund, and the Club. The decision has been made to keep the
Corpus as is at about $80K with about 20% growth per year. Recent
approved requests are; $1,000 to Kennedy King Scholarships, $1,000 to
JOBL, $1,000 to Relay for Life, and $3,000 to Agua Nicaragua water
project. We think this was Mureleen’s last meeting as
President of the Charitable Fund but she didn’t
mention it.
Eric Rehn announced that the May Friday night
social is coming up but the exact date is not yet
determined.
Captain Bill announced that a Visioning committee
has been selected and will prepare and make a
presentation at the Club Assembly on May 29th. The
top 3 items in the 7 categories will be the focus.
Our Home Team will be back in action on Saturday, May 31st. Let Bob Huck
or Clayton Worsdell know if you can participate.
We are still missing 4 club easels that we will need at the pancake breakfast to
present information. If you might have these in your garage (or anywhere else)
please let Richard Lueck know.
SPEAKER
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Captain Bill introduced Yolanda Gonzales and her assistant Liz of the Monument Crisis Center.
Yolanda thanked Bill Fuller and his team for the great job in the complete reconstruction of the
entire inside of the building. The projected was completed and opened in February.
One of the major functions of the center is a food pantry for 1000 families per week. There are
over 15,000 families registered with the center. Most of the food comes from the Contra Costa
Food Bank.
The center also provides assistance for youth with tutoring, summer camp, computer classes,
gardening, field trips. Consultation for families and individuals is also available. There are
several types of exercise classes available. There are many senior moment events weekly with
great participation.
Many aspects and functions of the center are performed by volunteers including some special
needs groups. The opportunity to give donations, money, or time is always needed and
appreciated.
A book titled Dolphins will be donated to the Clayton Library and a certificate for a brick at
Burkina Faso was given to Yolanda and Liz.
Now they took us on a complete tour
of the entire facility and explained
what goes on where. We also saw the
terrific Rotary Learning Center
equipped with computers.
Thanks to Yolanda and Liz.
MARBLE DRAW________________
Ben Wentling was the lucky raffle winner but he
walked away with a bottle of vino.
Steve is
explaining why
plaid shorts are a
good idea.
Bob Huck is
showing the long
pants guys how
it’s done.
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A
CHOICE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND HELL
While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His
soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see
a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the politician .
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and
one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he
goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the
expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also
present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug
and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where
St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of
contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,
before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
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He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean
Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the
elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the
politician and lays an arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club
and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
FACTS ABOUT GOLF YOU MAY NOT KNOW
125,000 golf balls a year are hit into the water at the famous 17th hole of the Stadium Course at
Sawgrass.
The longest drive ever is 515 yards. The longest putt ever is a monstrous 375 feet! (Obviously off the
green.)
Phil Mickelson, who plays left-handed, is actually right-handed. He learned to play golf by mirroring his
father’s golf swing, and he has used left-handed golf clubs ever since.
The chances of making two holes-in-one in a round of golf are one in 67 million. Chances of winning
Powerball are 175 million to one.
Tiger Woods snagged his first ace at the tender age of eight years.
Balls travel significantly further on hot days. A golfer swinging a club at around 100 mph will carry the
driver up to eight yards longer for each increase in air temperature of 25°F.
The longest golf course in the world is the par 77 International Golf Club in Massachusetts, which
measures a fearsome 8325 yards.
The highest golf course in the world is the Tactu Golf Club in Morococha, Peru, which sits 14,335 feet
above sea level at its lowest point.
The longest golf hole in the world is the 7th hole (par 7) of the Sano Course at the Satsuki Golf Club in
Japan. It measures an incredible 909 yards.
The largest bunker in the world is Hell's Half Acre on the 585-yard 7th hole of the Pine Valley Course in
New Jersey.
The largest golfing green is that of the 695-yard 5th hole, a par 6 at the International Golf Club in
Massachusetts, with an area in excess of 28,000 square feet.
The driver swing speed of an average woman golfer is 62 mph; 96 mph for an average LPGA
professional; 84 mph for an average male golfer; 108 mph for an average PGA Tour player; 130 mph for
Tiger Woods; 148-152 mph for a national long-drive champion.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
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The first golf balls were made of thin leather stuffed with feathers. Tightly-packed feathers made balls that
flew the furthest. Feather balls were used until 1848.
The youngest golfer to shoot a hole-in-one was Coby Orr, who was five years old at the time. It happened
in Littleton, Colorado, in 1975.
22.8% of golfers are women.
Golf was banned in Scotland from 1457 to 1502 to ensure citizens wouldn't waste time when preparing for
an English invasion.
The term "birdie" comes from an American named Ab Smith. While playing in 1899, he played what he
described as a "bird of a shot," which became "birdie" over time.
The word "golf" does not mean "Gentleman Only, Ladies Forbidden." This is an internet myth. It is thought
the word golf comes from the Dutch word "kolf" or "kolve," meaning "club." Historians believe this was
passed on to the Scottish, whose own dialect changed this to "golve," "gowl," or "gouf." By the sixteenth
century, this had evolved into the word we know today.
Don't feel bad about your high handicap. 80% of all golfers will never achieve a handicap of less than 18.
PET FISH
A Saskatchewan man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Saskatchewan recently with two ice
chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle
and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really
works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the man.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?" (People in Saskatchewan may not be the smartest but they’re also not the dumbest.)
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WHERE ARE MY GLASSES?
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this, and when I got home last night, I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a prostitute club, not
a parachute club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again. I really don't know what to do…. I signed up for five jumps a week."
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
HOW COME?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
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Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-aleck?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semiconductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
Daylight saving time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a nonstop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If cats and dog didn't have fur, would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A SENIOR ROAD TRIP
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they
left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had
been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before
they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded
his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just
wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve
her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her.
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"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told
me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring
husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another, and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse
were negative, and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance
of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write to the Hefty bag people.
GREAT GRAFFITI
If you can piss this high, join the fire department. - On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of six feet in
O'Ryan's Irish Pub, Ashland, Oregon
Beauty is only a light switch away. - Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University,
Cambridge, Mass.
Rome wasn't built in a day. That's because it was a government job. - Women's restroom, City View Tavern,
Cincinnati, Ohio
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? - The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
To do is to be. - Descartes
To be is to do. - Voltaire
Do be do be do. - Sinatra
- Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. - Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written in the dust on the back of a bus in
Wickenburg, Arizona
Make love, not war. Heck, do both - get married! - Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books, New York, NY
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of
Representatives, Washington, D.C.
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SHORT-TERM MEMORY
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for
my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I
must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best
place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had
been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all. "Honey," I stammered. (I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I
left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car!"
"There comes a time in your life when you walk away from all the drama and people who create
it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad and focus on the
good. Love the people who treat you right, and don’t worry about the ones who don't. Life is too
short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living." - José N.
Harris
“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.”
~ Abraham Lincoln
MARRIED 50 YEARS
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap
house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with
a hot 23-year-old girl.
"Now we have an $800,000 home, a $50,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure
that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
For golfers, here are the top 10 aces of all time on the PGA tour: (I think you’ll like this link.)
http://arunaurl.com/5346
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