DR BRIDGET KIRSOP gets behind the man who is known as The Grief Preacher - JAMIE DENYER - and, in
an inspirational interview, discovers his journey of personal tragedy, passion and determination and
how his mindset has brought a version of success to his life.
Dr Bridget Kirsop: Tell us about your background and why you are known as The Grief Preacher.
Jamie Denyer: This was a name I was given by one of the inmates inside Parc Prison Bridgend. I go there
to do talks, lectures and workshops with the prisoners.
I am an inspirational and motivational speaker and I go into schools, colleges, universities, prisons, gypsy
traveller sites. I speak to businesses and business exhibitions because I have got a story which could
relate to so many different people and audiences.
Dr Bridget Kirsop: How did this journey start?
Jamie Denyer: It started in 2012 under the harshest of circumstances. It was the biggest test which I
have faced.
Going back a bit further in 2007, I went through a divorce, I went through financial hardship in the worst
time in economical history, and I did something very different with my business that shows character. I
thought that was enough to go through at that particular time.
Then 2012 threw me a massive curveball when my 19-year-old nephew was murdered by a 14-year-old
boy. I have known and seen family breakdown and hardship on a scale you would not want to witness or
wish on your worst enemy or have in your worst nightmare. Coming back from that has been a real
struggle but coming through the test and the trials has built my character and really defined me as a
person. It has given me a real purpose and a mission to make a change.
This is my reason. I say to people, you have to have a reason and if you haven't got one, please find it. If
you have had one and you have forgotten about it, please find it because that reason will pull you out of
the darkness. You know when you are in that pit.
Because that is what life does. Life comes along and throws you curveballs left, right and centre and life
is a storm. You are either going towards a storm, are in a storm or coming out on the other side. You are
always in one of those.
When it does come, you have to have a reason and my reason is my nephew, particularly a photo I have
got of my nephew which was taken seven hours before his life was taken. I can be very down and I can
feel that I want to give in but I look at that picture and it is like “thanks Connor, you have just given me
the lift I needed”.
Dr Bridget Kirsop: Do you think of yourself as moving towards success and what is success to you?
Jamie Denyer: Success to me can be summed up by an email I received from a boy called Nick. He was a
14-year-old boy where I had done a talk. He said “you may not remember me but I was in one of your
talks and I was at the back. I was shaking due to my general anxiety disorder and he said that what you
have said to me has inspired me to become a history and French teacher.”
He said “you have not just changed my life but you have saved it because tonight I was planning on
committing suicide”- so I know I am successful in that respect. It is not how the whole world tells you
that you are successful - the house you own, the car you drive, how much money you have in the bank
and the clothes which you wear - because the storm - life - can come around at anytime and take that
away from you.
I have seen it and it is not very nice and that stuff does not protect you. So success will mean different
things to different people. I have seen successful people i.e. my sister and my brother-in-law, be
successful because they have, literally, got out of bed in the morning and faced the day. That makes
them successful. Success is different things to different people. You can ask that question to fifty people
and you will get fifty different answers.
Dr Bridget Kirsop: What are the key mindsets or strategies that you have used in your life that have
sustained you through these storms?
Jamie Denyer: I think, from a very young age, when I sacrificed stuff and I was 13-and-a-half, growing up
on a council estate with drug dealers and drug users, witnessing two murders by the time I was 13 years
old, I had to sacrifice a lot of stuff. I had to sacrifice my time with my friends because I wanted to learn a
trade so, in the school holidays, I was working while my friends were down at Brighton beach catching a
tan so I know what sacrifice is all about.
It has given me an insane work ethic to know that to pay your way, you have to work hard to get what
you want and where you want to get to and what you want to achieve. Sacrifice is massive and effort is
massive. It is basic principles that we often forget and just expect, with this new way of thinking, this
new age thinking, when we should be looking back to the tried and tested of generations gone by of
how they have done stuff.
Dr Bridget Kirsop: The hard work and belief in yourself. Has that been an immense challenge to you?
Jamie Denyer: Absolutely! You will have times when some people who are running a very flourishing
business, are very busy and are very good at what they do , everybody has these doubts, this downtime
where they are thinking 'I can't do this' or 'I'm not worthy'. It is all this self-doubt that creeps in so you
have to have this element of self-belief to even want to start to do something and want to achieve
something. People sit there expecting it to be brought to them on a plate.
It is testing at times. Even those successful people get that downtime.
Dr Bridget Kirsop: What is it specifically that makes you do that from time to time?
Jamie Denyer: I am not too sure if I can put my finger on it. Being busy plays a massive part in it and
being a dad to two beautiful princesses. It is very time consuming and when you are trying to better
yourself, you have to invest in yourself which means time, effort, focus, finance and that can bring doubt
that, if this doesn't work, you are going to be financially worse off or that will be time wasted there or
effort wasted there.
So I often find that it is tiny little things that, when added together, brings this self-doubt. But then you
see one thing work and it has a domino effect in that it is not so bad and you think 2what is all that
worry about?”
Dr Bridget Kirsop: It is about people who are feeling down are often not living in line with their values
and what is important to them.
Jamie Denyer: Again it is going back to the basics. Just having a goal, you are so focused on different
things - like a meerrkat - looking around. You have to stand there, have that one clear goal like you have
blinkers on and you work towards that. It does not matter what else is going on, you have to have that
goal. It is the basics and we so often forget the basic stuff.
Dr Bridget Kirsop: How do you reflect on your journey towards your goal? Do you reflect? Do you
notice how you are doing?
Jamie Denyer: I am kind of quite maverick in what I am doing. Going back to my business, I did
something above and beyond what anyone else was doing at that time. It kind of inspired people in
Canada, Australia and America to do the same. So I am not just thinking outside the box, I do outside the
box which is the 99 per cent of the mission. Thinking outside the box is good but it is only one per cent
of what I can do outside the box.
If I am veering off, I am thinking 'Let's see where this leads me' because so often people want that
straight road. If you veer off, you learn ten times more and then you come back onto your original path
a better, stronger and wiser person.
A lot of people just want it straight and disregard those offshoots but I learn from them and bring it back
into my life.
Dr Bridget Kirsop: Have there been any big lightbulb moments in your life?
Jamie Denyer: The lightbulb moments are, I suppose in a dark way, pain is a massive fuel. Pain will
either crush you or build you. If you see someone you love in intensive care, you know that is a lightbulb
moment that life is going to change. The responsibility has been placed on your shoulders. I made a
promise to my nephew that I would look after his family and I would not let them fall and I am keeping
that promise. It is not the kind of lightbulb moment you would want, not one of these Eureka moments
but you know that life as you know has changed and there is nothing you can do about it. You will either
sink or you will swim.
It was time at that point to start swimming. Get my Speedos on and start swimming.
Dr Bridget Kirsop: What would be your top three tips for a success mindset?
Jamie Denyer: I suppose it is quite simple- I can sum it up by PDP
PASSION - You have to have a PASSION for what you do. If you are just going about something and
saying 'Do you know what? This will earn me money and make me financially better off', you will soon
become bored of it and you will feel full for a little while but you will never feel fulfilled. If it is about
money, then money will never be enough. No matter what you get, what you earn, you will always want
more.
Having a passion is doing something that, even when you are not paid to do it, you give one hundred per
cent of yourself and when you are doing those non-paid things, you go onto, funnily enough, paid stuff.
That is how it works. You have to have a passion that gets you out of bed during those dark times.
DETERMINATION - No matter what comes your way, you have to battle through it, smash through it and
find a way over it, under it, and have the determination to keep going.
PAIN- And the last one is PAIN. Use pain in the right way. To get you to where it is you want to get to
and make you the person that you want to become, not to keep you where you are and become the
person you don't want to be.
Pain can be a massive ally but so often it crushes us.
Dr Bridget
It’s been an inspiration to talk to you and I know that many people will have their own lightbulb
moments from talking to you and learn to deal with their own storms
Thank you!