Things to Avoid
“In my opinion” “I think” “I believe”
Of course you think it; of course it’s your opinion. Why else would you be writing it? It’s not only
redundant; it makes it seem as if you don’t really believe what you say, as if whatever you’re trying
to argue may not really be true.
Example Introductory Paragraph:
In William Golding’s Lord of the Flies, the
three main characters (Ralph, Piggy, and Jack) are
all mostly responsible for the organization and
rules of the group of boys. Eventually, Jack and
part of the group breaks off into their own tribe
due to rivalries between Ralph and Jack. In my
opinion, if the group had not split up, Ralph
would probably be the best long-term leader of
the group of school boys.
The “In my opinion” is part of a
pattern of unnecessary
qualifications that make an
otherwise solid introduction sound
wishy-washy, as if you’re not quite
convinced you’re correct. It’s hard
to convince someone of something
if it sounds as if you’re afraid to
make an argument.
Burying your thesis statement in your introduction
It sounds counterintuitive (because in virtually every other paragraph you will want to start with a
topic sentence that is like the thesis of that paragraph), but in the introductory paragraph, you want
the thesis statement for the essay to go last. This is a convention in this type of writing, and it
helps differentiate introductions from the rest of the paper.
Example Introductory Paragraph:
In the book Lord of the Flies, out of the three main
characters (Ralph, Jack, and Piggy), Piggy would be
the best leader because he is the smartest member of
the group of kids. In the story he seemed to
symbolize the most civilized. He didn’t turn into a
savage like the other kids. It also looked as if
Ralph would be nothing without Piggy, or even without
the conch. After all, Piggy was the one that gave
Ralph the idea of blowing into the conch to let
everyone know they were there.
Because the thesis comes at
the beginning of this
paragraph, the rest of the
introduction feels like either
rambling that will be
unrelated to the rest of the
paper or reasons and
evidence that should be in
the body paragraphs (that
prove the thesis correct).
No topic sentences
This is huge since it is often the difference between writing a summary (bad-- really, really bad for
your grade) and actually making an argument. A topic sentence summarizes the argument you are
going to make in that paragraph. It should be one reason the thesis statement is true.
Example Body Paragraph:
Without this first sentence
(which I added), this is just a
plot summary (failing grade).
Add a topic sentence and
suddenly it becomes an
The different ways Ralph and Jack use Piggy’s
glasses demonstrate that Jack is too selfish to be
an effective leader, caring only for his personal
satisfaction and not the survival of the group as a
whole. In the book Ralph used Piggy’s glasses to
build a fire whenever it was necessary. He used it
for cooking or warmth. Jack, on the other hand,
wanted Piggy’s glasses only to satisfy himself. He
did use them for cooking, but he didn’t necessarily
use the glasses to build a fire to cook food when
they needed it, but used them to build a fire almost
every time and cooked food for his satisfaction and
not for survival.
Not developing your assertions with reasons and evidence
You can’t just say it; you have to prove it. That means you have to have both examples and
explanation (the “so what?”-- or, to put it another way, the reason/s why your evidence proves
your assertion is correct).
Example Body Paragraph:
During the time they have spent on the island,
Piggy is the only one that kept his mental state of
mind. For example, after the plane crash, Piggy is
already looking for ways to restore order, focusing
immediately on the prospects for rescue and even
coming up with a way to organize the group meetings
(passing the conch). Even though he is himself a
child, Piggy understands that their survival will
depend on acting like adults and not children, and
that means they will have to have rules, order, and
an actual goal (rescue). Neither Jack nor Ralph could
be a good long-term leader because they couldn’t
resolve their issues. If they didn’t do it their way,
they didn’t want to do it. Jack, for example, only
wants to hunt and cares about nothing else. Ralph is
a little better, but even he seems more concerned
about remaining leader than trying to compromise for
the good of the tribe (resulting in a power struggle
with Jack).
Whatever. Ignore
this advice so you
can suffer like
those who do not
realize the
terrible power of
my capsaicin.
I added the bold face parts.
Without it, this paragraph is
just a collection of
unconvincing, empty
assertions. Without the
evidence and explanation,
nobody will ever be
convinced by your
argument. As a side benefit,
notice how much longer the
paragraph is when you
actually develop your ideas.