Grief and Loss:
Growing Stronger
Many people experience a wide range of emotions when someone they know has died. This
booklet is designed to help you understand some of the feelings you may be experiencing. It is
often helpful if the people around you also know that it is normal to act and feel the way you do.
You may like to show this booklet to your family and friends to help them understand.
At the end of this booklet is a list of organisations and self-help groups that may be able to assist
you to journey through your grief. It is important to speak to your doctor if you feel unable to
manage with your particular situation.
The First 24 Hours
A death in hospital is different from someone dying at home. The nurses will take great care of
your loved one, even after death, until they are taken from the ward. It is important to let the staff
know if there are any customs or beliefs that need to be respected. The body will then be taken to
the hospital mortuary until a funeral director has been chosen. The chosen funeral director will
organise to take the body to the funeral parlor on your behalf. There, your wishes will be followed
for the funeral.
If your loved one has died at home and the death was expected there
is no rush to call the local doctor. This can wait until morning when
your local GP can sign the death certificate and the nominated
funeral director can pick up the deceased. If the death was sudden
as the case of a heart attack, if the deceased had not been to the
doctor for 3 months or if the death was suspicious or a suicide and
the police need to be involved, an autopsy may be necessary. Your
local doctor will be able to let you know if this is necessary.
When Someone You Know Has Died
Many people describe an initial feeling of numbness followed by shock and disbelief. Even if the
death was expected people are often still unprepared. Comments such as ‘but I only saw them
the other day’.’ So suddenly". ’So young’ ‘I can’t believe it’ are often heard. Even if the death was
expected, it can still come as a shock to many people. Everyone has different reactions to the
news that someone has died.
Some people will cry. Others will become quiet and want to be alone. Some will yell and blame
others. There is no right or wrong way to behave. Many people believe that seeing the body of
the person helped them accept they were dead.
Living with loss is often a very painful experience. People can feel very anxious about how they
will cope now the deceased is no longer around. Many bereaved people have dreams about the
dead person. Some even report seeing them. This is normal! Other common feelings that may be
experienced include:
Guilt:
"If only I had" is one of the most common statements made by people reflecting on a death.
People often feel guilty about not spending more time with the deceased. Even relatives who
live out of town express guilt at not living closer. Again, these feelings are normal. To help you
work through the feeling of guilt try thinking of what the deceased person would have wanted
you to do. Then think about what you would have wanted them to do if it was you.
When people have been caring for someone who has been ill for a long period they can even
feel guilty at the relief that comes from the death. Again, these thoughts are normal.
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Anger
People often feel angry with the deceased for leaving them behind.
‘Why did they have to die?’ ‘How am I going to manage alone?’ ‘Look at the mess they have
left’. These thoughts are very normal and the feeling of anger that often accompanies them
also is very common. Remember that this is all part of the journey through your grief. Some
people find it helpful to reflect on their own relationship with the deceased.
Remember that all relationships are made of good and bad feelings.
Confusion & Tiredness
All these emotions and symptoms can lead to feelings of confusion and uncertainty. It is
important to ask for help if you need it.
Any intense emotional experience can make people feel very tired. Grief is one such
experience. Rest when you feel tired. It is often difficult to sleep well as thoughts of the person
are always present. You may also experience feelings of being alone and loneliness. One
description from a wife who had lost her husband was ‘Everyone was around me but I felt so
terribly alone’. It is often difficult to eat. ‘Each time I try to eat I just feel sick’. Some people
even find it hard to talk to their loved ones about how they feel and express a feeling of
emptiness even when feeling supported by family and friends.
Forgetfulness & Restlessness
Common complaints from people who have lost someone close to them are forgetfulness and
restlessness. Often people cannot stop thinking of the one they have lost. This makes it hard to
concentrate on anything. Many people describe the feeling as if they are 'losing their mind'.
Over time, these feelings will decrease. As time moves on you may find you are not constantly
thinking of the dead person. This doesn’t mean that you love them any less, it just means that
you are learning to live without them. Their memory will always be with you. At special times
such as Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries, you could feel very sad and some of the initial
feelings will resurface. This is normal. No one should be asking you to forget the person who
died. They were part of your life and memories live forever.
Remember it takes time to journey through grief. Many people are changed by the experience
and view life differently afterwards. Some people find groups such as those listed in this book
helpful for them. Why not ring one and see.
Things To Help You Through Your Grief
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Talk about how you feel. Letting people know how you feel helps them to understand. It also
helps you to deal with the feelings you have.
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Try to eat at least one good meal a day. This will help you stay healthy.
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Try to rest when you are tired.
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Don’t make decisions until you are ready. There is no need to clean out your loved ones
belongings, change house or make any other important decisions until you are ready.
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Keep in contact with friends
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Listen to your favourite music
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Go for a walk
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Ask a friend to help you sort through possessions
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Write your feelings down. This often helps
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Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
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Grief & Children
Children experience the same emotions as adults when someone dies. It is important to include
children and allow them to see the sadness felt by those around them. Many experts now believe
children should be encouraged to attend funerals. Encourage children to talk about how they feel.
Let them know how you feel.
If the child is at school, make sure the teacher is aware of what has happened. A grieving child
may act out at school and this may be mistaken for naughtiness. It is important to stay in close
contact with teachers so any problems can be recognised early.
Children often ask many questions to try to understand what has happened. It is important to
answer these questions honestly and at a level the child can understand.
Children can cope with bereavement as long as they are supported and encouraged to grieve.
Children do not cope well when they are not included. Secrecy is not protective, it causes
confusion and isolation which increases anxiety.
Financial Assistance & Advice
Centrelink has financial officers who can offer advice and assistance with financial matters. You
can contact them on 131021 (automated service). Some insurance companies and private
medical funds will help meet the cost of a funeral. If you have private health or life insurance,
contact the individual agencies to find out what they will cover. You may also be entitled to some
centrelink payments.
Many practical things need to be attended to after a death.
Centrelink has produced an information book outlining
many of these items.
It is available free of charge from your local Centrelink office or by
telephoning
1800 050 004.
Funerals
There are many funeral directors offering many different packages. Don’t feel pressured into
paying more than you can afford. If your loved one has no money, the government funeral
director can advise you on what to do. In such cases, it is possible to organise a funeral for
minimal cost. Be sure that you feel comfortable with whatever arrangements are made. For more
advice regarding funerals, you can contact the following independent associations or talk to a
hospital or community social worker.
Many people find great comfort in talking to their local religious/ spiritual group who can be of
assistance with funeral arrangements and support both before and after death.
Qld. Funeral Association
07 – 3807 0533
Australian Owned Funeral Advisory service
07 – 3219 9333
Relatives of homicide victims can apply for compensation through the justice department for
assistance with funeral expenses.
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Resources
The following organisations have trained counsellors available 24hrs a day, seven days a
week for the times you may just want to talk about your loss and share your feelings of
grief with someone other than family or friends.
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Lifeline
131114
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The Salvation Army
Salvo Care Line 07 - 3831 9016
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SIDS Queensland 24hr.Child Death Support Line
1800 628 648
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Kids Help Line
1800 551 800
www.kidshelp.com.au
These services are confidential and available for the cost of a local call. Personal counselling
appointments are available by ringing any of the following lifeline offices during office hours
(9am to 5pm)
Capalaba
Chermside
Logan
07 - 3823 2555
07 – 3624 2400
07 - 3209 3622
You may wish to speak with your family doctor who knows your family and would understand
your special feelings of grief and loss. Your GP may also refer you to other local support
organisations that can offer support and a sympathetic ear.
The local community health and mental health centres run by Qld Health have teams of health
professionals offering specialised counselling services. Local numbers are listed under
"Queensland Health - Community Health Services" in the White Pages.
The following pages contain contacts for counsellors and self help groups that may be
able to assist you.
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Relationships Australia
www.relationships.com.au
office hours :: 9am-5pm
1300 364 277
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Peninsula Community Support Services
4 McNaughton St
Redcliffe Qld. 4020
contact :: Ed Colwell (Uniting Church - all welcome)
07 - 3883 1998 (bereavement, grief and loss counselling)
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Adcare
250 Kingston Rd
Slacks Creek Qld. 4127
contact :: Peter Raymer
(Seventh Day Adventist – all welcome)
07 - 3290 3266 (bereavement, grief and loss counselling)
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Leukemia Foundation Grief Support Service
Contact: Shirley Cunningham
07 - 3840 3844
For families & patients
Leukemia and other cancers
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Queensland Aids Council (QUACS)
www.coss.net.au/directory/qld
32 Peel St
South Brisbane Qld. 4101
07 - 3017 1777
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Compassionate Friends
www.angelfire.com/id/tcfbrisbane/
07 – 3254 2657
email :: [email protected]
A self help group for bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents offering literature, bimonthly newsletters, library, drop-in centre, support meetings, understanding, sharing and
caring
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Australian Counselling Service
1454 Logan Rd
Mt. Gravatt
Ph 07 - 3420 4127 Fax 07 3420 4135
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Family Therapy and Counselling Clinic
(in association with QUT) 07 - 3864 4578
Counselling service Sliding fee scale applies
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Mackwood Life
8 Dutton St Dutton Park
07 - 3844 8715
Grief and loss counselling for children and adults
(Cost by donation)
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Still Birth and Neonatal Death Support (SANDS)
07 – 3271 7882www.powerup.com.au/~sandsqld
Varied assistance to parents who have experienced a pregnancy loss.
SIDS Queensland Inc.
07 - 3849 7122 www.sidsaustralia.org.au
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Support for families who have had a child die suddenly and unexpectantly under the age of six
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Brisbane Grief and Bereavement Support
07 – 3865 8644
Sr. Anne Howley
Monday, Tuesday Friday 0900-2130
Counselling and Education services.
Sliding Fee scale applies
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Loss and Grief Unit The University of Queensland
07 – 3346 4627
Education and information service
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The survivors of Suicide and Bereavement Support Association
www.geocities.com/sosbsa
1300 767 022
Bereavement support groups; Friendship and support
Crisis intervention counselling; Grief and loss counselling
Promoting prevention; Awareness and education.
Bi-monthly newsletter
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Centacare
07 -3252 4371
Grief and Loss
All forms of counselling
Sliding Fee scale applies.
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Kinections
Administration: 07 - 3435 4333 Counselling: 07 - 3435 4300
Courses: 07 - 3435 4343 Fax: 07 - 3435 4399
Mens info line freecall: 1800 600 636
Grief and Loss counselling
Counselling Services (Sliding Fee scale applies).
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National Association of Loss and Grief (NALAG)
07 - 3207 1397
Grief and Loss counselling one to one and small groups
Fees:: Medicare
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Annerley Counselling Centre
07 – 3206 1855
Grief and loss counselling, families and individual
Average cost $100 per adult, $50 per child.
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Logan East Community Centre
07 - 3808 4529
Grief and loss counselling
Sliding scale fee.
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Cancer Support Group
1800 101 120
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Cancer Helpline, Queensland Cancer Fund
131 120
For information and referral to a wide range of services in Qld.
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Qld. Homicide Victims’ Support Group
Family support after murder
Brisbane: 07 – 3857 4744 Cairns: 07 -061 4639
Outside Brisbane Callers: 1800 774 744 (24 hours)
Regional Support meetings
Personal support and telephone support
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Peer support meetings
Monthly newsletters
Respite, accommodation facilities
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SOLACE
National Self Support Group for Widowers and Widows
07 – 5580 7034
Support group for widows and widowers
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Australian Psychological Society Referral Service
1800 333 497
Gives names of three psychologists in home area able to help with specific needs identified by
client.
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Self Help Queensland
07 - 3344 6919
Can assist with names of further agencies that may be able to help.
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Stroke Association of Qld
07 – 3277 3838
Support and assistance for stroke victims and their families.
Yearly membership fee ($12-$20)
www..strokeqld.org.au
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Amputees and Families Support Group
Cnr. Cinderella and Vanessa Blvd.
Springwood, Qld, 4127
07 - 3290 4293
Support for patients and families through the grief and loss stage encountered with an
amputation
Yearly membership fee ($10-$20)
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Book Resources
Two web sites with publications suitable for children and teenagers are:
www.grannyg.bc.ca/ckidbook/publish.html
www.growthhouse.org/childgrv.html
Many of the feelings experienced with the death of a person can also be experienced with other
losses. Although this book has been written to help those who have lost someone through death
the information may also help others who are experiencing the same feelings. Such losses can
include: The death of a family pet, amputation, loss of a job, friends moving away and head
injuries to name a few.
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Acknowledgements
The authors of this book hope you have found it to be helpful for you.
The Grief and Loss-Growing Stronger Project Group would like to thank the following
sponsors for their support and encouragement with the project:
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Queensland University of Technology for their financial support through the
Community Services Grant.
Palliative Care Queensland for their support in hosting the book on their website.
All groups and organisations listed in the book for their encouragement throughout the
project.
Volunteers and Health Care workers at Redcliffe Hospital, Princess Alexandra Hospital
and Wesley Hospital kindly participated in a needs analysis.
Chaplain, Ms. Rita Steptoe, of the Royal Brisbane Hospital has advised us on the
topics of grief and loss.
Richard Kissick and William Ballantyne, of the Royal Brisbane Hospital have shared
their knowledge and expertise.
Denise Mapleton has kindly reviewed the written material to ensure the booklet is user
friendly.
Judith Murray from University of Queensland Grief and Loss Unit has assisted and
encouraged the project.
Without your support this book would not have been produced.
Thank you
Debbie Kirkup and Peter Anderson
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