Never married Malay Muslim women’s perceived advantages and
disadvantages of living single life
Rozita Ibrahim
Senior Lecturer
Centre for Liberal Education (CITRA)
Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia (UKM)
&
Jamayah Saili
Senior Lecturer
Faculty of Cognitive Science & Human Development
Universiti Malaysia Sarawak (UNIMAS)
Never-married women’s perceived advantages and disadvantages of living single life: Some
preliminary findings from the Malay Muslim’s experience. Proceedings of 16th Conference
of the Australasian Human Development (AHDA), 6-8 July, Flinders University, South
Australia.
(http://www.fcshd.unimas.my/Department-of-Counselling/Academicians/dr-
jamayah-saili.html)
ABSTRACT
Current global trend towards prolonged singleness and non-marriage has brought about
interdisciplinary research into the study of singleness, especially on its implications for
family and marriage as basic social institutions. Though the phenomenon is global, the
experiences of singleness and non-marriage are locally constructed. This paper presents a
qualitative analysis of personal stories of six single never married Malay Muslim women
over the age of 30 years old. The aim of this paper is to highlight the psychosocial cultural
aspects of singlehood from Malaysian Malay Muslim’s perspective. In this paper we seek to
understand single women’s experiences focusing on their perception towards the advantages
and disadvantages of living single life.
Keywords: singlehood, never married women, single life experiences, gender and family
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1.
INTRODUCTION
The experience of singlehood might be similar for contemporary women across the globe
while at the same time vary due to differences in cultural and religious experience.
Darrington, Piercy and Niehuis (2005) stated that singlehood is socially constructed through
one’s personal experiences and interactions within broader culture as well as one’s
membership in social networks. Thus, the aim of this paper is to highlight the psychosocial
cultural aspects of singlehood from Malaysiani Malay Muslim’s perspective. In this paper we
seek to understand single women’s experiences focusing on their perception towards the
advantages and disadvantages of living single life and how it impact on their general wellbeing. This is particularly interesting because singlehood, especially amongst women, is a
relatively new phenomenon for the Malays in Malaysia. Traditionally Malay Muslims marry
at young age. Jones (2004) reported that until about three decades ago, the Malay-Muslim
populations of Malaysia, Indonesia, Singapore and Southern Thailand were normally married
by the age of 18. However, this trend is changing and there seems to be a general pattern of
marriage delay in these countries. In the case of Malaysian Malay Muslims, the total
percentage of never-married women over the age of 30 was 3.1% in 1960. The percentage
later increased to 23.3% in 2000. The situation is more obvious in Kuala Lumpur, the capital
of Malaysia where the total of never married women was 37.8% in year 2000.
Jones (1981) in his studies on Malay marriage and divorce from 1950’s to late 1970’s
suggested that marriage postponement is a manifestation of social and economic changes
experienced by the Malays. The major determining factor has been the change in educational
policies which have resulted in higher proportions of Malays, especially females completing
high schools and entering institutions of higher learning. Another important factor is the
migration of Malay women to the cities to participate in the job market provided by newly
established factories and industries. These two factors, education and participation in job
market remain relevant in discussing marriage postponement in the recent years. More
importantly is that, both education and participation in job market have ‘opened young
women’s eyes to new understanding of society and their place in it’ (Jones 2004:15).
Therefore, it is our intention to contribute in exploring this ‘new understanding’ of single life
style from the perspectives of single women themselves. What are their perceptions towards
the advantages of being single? What are their experiences of disadvantages in remaining
single in a ‘married society’? Are they happy with their single status despite negative societal
perception towards unmarried women? These are among the questions that we seek to
explore in this paper. We begin this paper by giving an overview on the study of singlehood
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and later discuss our findings from the interviews with single never-married Malay Muslim
women in Malaysia. We hope that this paper will elucidate the ways in which psychosocial
cultural issues pertaining to single never-married Malay women impact upon women’s wellbeing in general.
2.
LITERATURE REVIEW
Comprehensive study on singlehood amongst Malaysian women is only beginning to develop
over the past few years. Earlier studies on single women that exist in Malaysian academic
literature are scarce and mainly confined to population studies. Most of these studies deal
with trends in marriage and divorce, and ‘never-married woman’ is treated as a group within
bigger Malaysian population (for example see Lee 1982, Jones 1980, Jones 1981). In this
regard we agree with Spreitzer and Riley’s (1974:533) statement that the scarcity of academic
or scientific research on singlehood is due to the fact that there is ‘no nomenclature with
which to conceptualise the status of a person who never marry’. This is often the case
because singleness is regarded as a temporary period prior to or in between marriages and
that being married is the social norm. As such, ‘being single is not seen to confer a separate
and discrete identity but is recognised only in relations to other core themes’ i.e. marriage
(Adams 1976: 29). On similar note Holden (2007) argued that ‘the meaning of singleness are
in dialogue with the meanings of marriage, with each category shifting in relation to each
other in response to wider societal change’. Between the two, the dominant category i.e.
marriage is perceived as the positive category where the ‘single’ category be compared to.
Consequently, the category ‘single’ is perceived as negative in contrast to the positive
category of ‘marriage’. Being in marriage is the right thing to do while remaining single or
outside marriage is seen as ‘being at the margins’ (Gordon 1994), ‘abnormal, suspect and
unfulfilled’ (Mustard 2000); and it is only in an intimate couple will one find ‘emotional
satisfaction, sexual fulfilment, companionship, security, and spiritual meaning’ (Trimberger
2005).
From our review of the many studies of singlehood, we suggest that the inferiority of
singleness over marriage can be viewed from two aspects, i.e. social stigma and well-being.
For the Malays, remaining single past marriageable ageii especially for women is regarded as
‘a problem’. This is reflected in the many public debates in the mass mediaiii. From our
reviews of articles that appear in the Malaysian Malay mass media, we gathered four major
reasons for this ‘problem’. Firstly, late marriages for women will affect fertility rates and thus
lower the chances of having many children and contribute to the decline of the Malay
population. For the Malays, children are considered as God’s gift (rezeki) and should be
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cherished by all married couples. Children are hoped to take care of their parents when they
are old. Thus, for unmarried individuals concern arises over old age care. Secondly,
prolonged singleness is seen as a social change that challenges long-accepted norms of
universal marriage among the Malays. This is due to the fact that the roles of women are
defined according to their lifecycle beginning from being a daughter and later a wife, mother
and grandmother. For the never-married, their role as a woman is regarded as incomplete.
Thirdly, unmarried women are suspect to involvement in illicit sexual activities. This is
related to the fact that sex outside marriage is forbidden by Islam and Malay culture. Thus,
there are concerns that unmarried women might want to experience sex and thus seek secret
relationship due to their loneliness. Fourthly, the ‘problem’ of singleness is seen as a
challenge towards marriage institution. There are concerns that unmarried women are
rejecting marriage because it hinders their freedom and individualism; and that unmarried
women are opting for alternative lifestyles such as cohabitation, lesbianism and lifetime
celibacy.
However, the trend in recent years showed that prolonged singleness is commonly
happening especially amongst urban-based, highly educated and economically independent
women (Maeda 2006, Sitomurang 2005, Berg-Cross, Scholz, Long, Grzescyk & Roy 2004,
Byrne 2000, Salaff 1976). In the case of Malay Muslims in Malaysia, despite being labelled
and considered as ‘problematic’, statistic showed that the number of never-married women is
on the rise for the past few decades (Jones 2004). As mentioned earlier, education and job
opportunities contributed towards this trend. At the individual level, it is also interesting to
study the ‘push and pull factors’ towards singlehood and marriage as suggested by Stein
(1981) (refer Table 1).
TABLE 1: Pushes and pulls towards marriage and singlehood
MARRIAGE
Pushes (negatives in present situations)
Pulls (attractions in potential situations)
Pressure from parents
Approval of parents
Desire to leave home
Desire for children and own family
Fear of independence
Example of peers
Loneliness and isolation
Romanticization of marriage
No knowledge or perception of alternatives
Physical attraction
Cultural and social discrimination
Love, emotional attachment
Against singles
Security, social status, social prestige
Legitimation of sexual experiences
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Socialization
Job
availability,
wage
structure,
and
promotions
Social policies favouring the married and the
responses of social institutions
SINGLEHOOD
Pushes (to leave permanent relationships)
Pulls
(to
remain
single
or
return
to
singlehood)
Lack of friends, isolation, loneliness
Career opportunities and development
Restricted availability of new experiences
Availability of sexual experiences
Suffocating one-to-one relationship, feeling Exciting life style, variety of experiences,
trapped
Obstacles to self-development
Boredom, unhappiness, and anger
Poor communications with mate
Sexual frustration
freedom to change
Psychological and social autonomy, self
sufficiency
Support structures: sustaining friendships,
women’s and men’s groups, political
groups,
therapeutic
groups,
collegial
groups.
In our study on Malay single women, these ‘push and pull factors’ towards marriage
and singlehood were discussed by our participants when they related to us their experiences
as well as their perceptions of advantages and disadvantages of being single. We will
elaborate on this further in the findings section.
3.
THIS STUDY
This paper draws upon a research on to the experiences of never-married single Malay
Muslim women. The data presented here is based on preliminary findings from six in-depth
interviews with six never-married Malay Muslim women over the age of 30. The participants
were recruited through personal contacts and ‘snowballing method’. Each interview took one
to two hours. Interviews were audio recorded (with the consent of the participants), and later
transcribed verbatim. Participants shared their views and experiences on advantages and
disadvantages of being single. The interviews were informal, and though a guide is prepared,
participants were allowed to express their views freely and were only probed with questions
for clarification. The transcripts were then analysed to determine patterns and themes that are
salient to their experience of singleness. The names of the participants remain anonymous so
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as to protect their privacy, in view of the sensitive nature of this research topic. For the
purpose of this paper, we identified them as Rina, Sherry, Sheila, Katijah, Miza and Fatimah.
It is important to mention here that the interviews were conducted in the preferred language
chosen by the participants. In cases where the participants used Malay language, we as
researchers did the translation to English. All six participants were highly educated with three
of them having PhD degree, one Masters and the remaining two holds Bachelor degree. All
of them were over 30 years old at the time of the interview. Table 2 provides some notes on
the profile of all six participants.
TABLE 2: Notes about the participants
Pseudonym
Notes about the participant
Rina
Rina was 32 years old and is the first of three daughters who are all single.
She lives with friends in a rented flat and works as a computer analyst. Her
parents were divorced when she was finishing her secondary school. Her
mother was the second of three wives that her father had at that time.
Sherry
Sherry was 38 years old and works as a senior government officer. She is
the second of seven siblings of all daughters. Her elder sister and two
younger sisters were already married. Sherry resides with her mother who is
a widow and three younger sisters who are still single.
Sheila
Sheila was in her late 40’s and works as a lecturer. She lives alone in her
apartment. She has seven siblings - three are married, one just got divorced
and the rest are single. She spends most of her time at the office and goes
back to her parent’s house almost weekly to look after her parents who are
not well. Sheila describes herself as being meticulous and organised as well
as friendly and approachable.
Katijah
Katijah was 44 years old and the eldest of three daughters. One of her
younger sister is married while the other one is single in her 30’s. She stays
in Kuala Lumpur with her foster sister who is a widow and her two sons.
Katijah describes her living arrangement as ‘pseudo-family’.
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Miza was 41 years old and works as a lawyer. She stays in her own flat with
Miza
a female friend who is a divorcee. Her parents were farmers and they used
to live in poor environment. Miza loves her career very much because she
‘can give back to the community’ and that was the reason that she prefers
working in the small town where she came from.
Fatimah
Fatimah was 38 years old and works as a lecturer. She stays on her own in
Penang. She is the third of nine siblings – five daughters and four sons. She
is the only one who is single. Both her parents were teachers. She values
friendship very much and take the effort to keep old friends and make new
ones (in Malay Muslim term ‘menjaga silaturrahim’).
Generally speaking, all the participants are already stable in terms of career and
source of income. These two factors – level of education and professions have important
bearing on singleness because they contribute to the scope of independent living and
psychological freedom (Adams 1976). Being in the higher level of socioeconomic stratum
allows these single women to enjoy financial independence and freedom, hence a choice to
delay marriage because they can provide for themselves without the help of a husband. It is
also interesting to note that all of these women, except Rina, have already bought their own
houses. In Malaysia, house ownership is an indication of one’s economic stability. Also
having their own homes is a sign of permanency or acceptance of the current single life style.
However it is important to emphasise that this is not an indication that never-married women
are accepting singleness as an option and thus rejecting marriage. Rather, as would become
apparent in the next section that these women are accepting God’s fate and making the best
out of it while hoping that one day they will finally tie the knot.
4.
FINDINGS
First, we would like to apply Stein’s (1981) typology of singlehood (Table 3) to categorise
our participants. However it is important to note here that our single participants that are
categorised as voluntary do not oppose marriage because they are aware that it is a religious
obligation. In this regard our categorisation is principally based on whether or not the
participants actively seek mates. Those who actively seek mates are categorised as
involuntary singles while those who do not are categorised as voluntary singles. As for
temporariness category, those who contented with their lives and do not feel pressured
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towards marriage are considered as stable while those singles who feels that their lives will
be more fulfilling with marriage are considered as temporary.
TABLE 3: Typology of singlehood
VOLUNTARY
TEMPORARY
Never-married
married
who
INVOLUNTARY
and
are
formerly Those who have been actively
postponing seeking mates for shorter or longer
marriage by not currently seeking periods of time, but have not yet
mates, but who are not opposed to found mates. (Sherry and Sheila)
the idea of marriage. (Rina)
Those who were not interested in
marriage or remarriage for some
period of time but are now actively
seeking mates. (Not applicable)
STABLE
Those choosing to be single Never-marrieds
(never-marrieds
and
and
formerly
formerly marrieds who wanted to marry or
marrieds). (Katijah and Miza)
remarry, have not found a mate and
have more or less accepted being
Those who for various reasons single as a probable life state.
oppose the idea of marriage.
(Fatimah)
Religionaries. (Not applicable)
(Source: Stein 1981)
By categorising these women according to Stein’s typology of singlehood, we can
better understand these single individuals’ perceptions towards advantages and disadvantages
of living as single women. It is apparent that women under categories voluntary and
temporary, voluntary and stable, as well as involuntary and stable are more accepting towards
their single status and generally perceived their lives as fulfilling. However those women who
are categorised as involuntary and temporary singles seems to voice dissatisfaction towards
their single status. As such they are pressured towards marriage and finding mates. If we
relate to Stein’s list of pushes and pulls towards marriage and singlehood, it is apparent that
both Sherry and Sheila’s are concerned about the pushes towards marriage. Both of them
express loneliness and isolation. They also feel affected by cultural and social discrimination.
With regard to loneliness and isolation, Weiss (1981:157) assertion that ‘loneliness is caused
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not by being alone but by being without some definite needed relationship or set of
relationships’ is relevant to Sherry and Sheila’s experiences. In this regard, loneliness is ‘a
response to relational deficit’. As such, singles will remain lonely until they found the
relationship that they are seeking i.e. marriage. This also explains why some singles are
involved in series of relationships. Also, it is important to emphasise that loneliness is
different from depression. Weiss (1981:156) explains that ‘in loneliness there is a drive to rid
oneself of one’s distress by integrating a new relationship or regaining a lost one; in
depression there is instead a surrender to it’. The need to get rid of distress due to loneliness
explains why both Sherry and Sheila are consistently seeking potential suitors so they end
their singleness.
Contrary to Sherry and Sheila, Katijah and Miza who are categorised as temporary
and stable seem to be contended with their lives. Both Katijah and Miza can be said as
successfully integrated into a new relationship whereby both of them have committed
relationship with the families of their flatmates. They are both well integrated into this new
family and find emotional support in this new relationship. Finally, although some singles
voiced dissatisfaction with single lives, all six of them agree that they do enjoy their freedom.
They enjoy having their own money so that they can spend buying whatever they want. They
also value their freedom in terms of time – they can do things that they like and spend as
much time as they wish to be with family members and friends. All of the participants also
expressed similar views that being single allow them to spend more time at work and thus
giving them the opportunity for career enhancement.
5.
CONCLUSION
Conclusion and implications:

Single women’s perceptions towards advantages and disadvantages of singlehood
might result in ambivalence towards their single status.

For those who are categorised as stable, temporary deals better with single status. For
those who are categorised as temporary, involuntary living singly is unfulfilling at
times. They think of ‘road not taken’ and lonely.

Single women are aware of the push pull factors or advantages and disadvantages of
living single lives. This is very much related to the socio-cultural factors related to
being Malay and Muslim.

Contemporary single women have the option to remain single – unlike traditional
days where there is hardly any choice but to marry. Education and career allows this
to happen.
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
However single women are not rejecting marriage and still considers marriage as the
right thing to do – but they differ in their priority and effort given in finding spouses.
Some put more effort, others don’t – whatever it is they are similar in one aspect –
they believe their jodoh has not come yet. Thus do not reject the possibility that they
might get married if God grant them jodoh; but until that happen they strive towards
happy and fulfilling lives.
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References:
Adams, Margaret. 1976. Single blessedness: observations on the single status in married
society. New York: Basic Books Publishers.
Berg-Cross, Linda; Scholz, Anne Marie; Long, JoAnne; Grzescyk, Ewa & Roy, Anjali.
2004. Single professional women: a global phenomenon – challenges and
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Byrne, A. 2000 (a). Single women’s identities in contemporary Irish society. Ph.D. thesis.
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Darrington, J., Piercy, K.W. & Niehuis, S. 2005. The social and cultural construction of
singlehood among young, single Mormons, The Qualitative Report, Volume 10, No. 4,
4 December 2005, pp. 639-661.
De Paolo, Bella & Morris, Wendy L. 2005. Should singles and the scholars who study them
make their mark or stay in their place?, Psychological Inquiry.
Gordon, Tuula. 1994. Single Women: On the Margins? New York: New York University
Press.
Henslin, J.M. 2005. Sociology: A Down-to-Earth Approach (7th edition). Boston: Allyn &
Bacon.
Holden, Katherine. 2007. The Shadow of Marriage: Singleness in England 1914-60.
Manchester: Manchester University Press.
Jones, G. 2004. Not ‘when to marry’ but ‘whether to marry’: the changing context of
marriage decisions in East and Southeast Asia, in Jones, G. & Ramdas, K. (ed.),
(Un)tying the knot: ideal and reality in Asian marriage. National University of
Singapore: Asia Research Institute.
Jones, G. 1981. Malay marriage and divorce in Peninsular Malaysia: three decades of change.
Population and Development Review, Vol. 7 No. 2 (June 1981), pp. 255-278.
Jones, G. 1980. Trends in marriage and divorce in Peninsular Malaysia. Population Studies,
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Lee, Kok Huat. 1982. Age at first marriage in Peninsular Malaysia. Journal of Marriage and
the Family, Vol. 44, No. 3 (August 1982), pp:785-798.
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Maeda, Eriko. 2006. Exploration of Japanese single women’s identities in Japan.
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Salaff, Janet W. 1976. The status of unmarried Hong Kong women and the social factors
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i
Malaysia is a multiethnic country with a total population of over 26 million. Major ethnic
groups are Malays (50.3%), Chinese (23.8%), non-Malay indigenous people (11.0%) and
Indians (7.1%). The official language is Bahasa Melayu. However other languages such as
English, Chinese, Tamil and Punjabi are also spoken. The official religion is Islam which is
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practiced by about 60% of the population. The rest of the population practices other religions
freely. It is also important to note that the Federal Constitution stipulated that Malays are by
definition Muslims. (Women of the World: Laws and Policies Affecting Their Reproductive
Lives – East and Southeast Asia 2005. Center for Reproductive Rights, Asian-Pacific
Resource and Research Center for Women).
ii
In Malaysia, the average age at marriage for female is 23.5 while for male is 26.6. Under
the Marriage and Divorce Act 1976, the minimum age for marriage for both male and female
in Malaysia is 18 years old. (Women of the World: Laws and Policies Affecting Their
Reproductive Lives – East and Southeast Asia. 2005. Center for Reproductive Rights, AsianPacific Resource and Research Center for Women (ARROW)).
iii
For instance, refer to Utusan Malaysia Online (http://www.utusan.com.my) articles. Some
of the headlines are ‘Menyelesai masalah jodoh wanita profesional’ (‘Solving the problems
of unmarried professional women’) 02.12.2005; ‘Izin poligami, kurang anak dara tua’
(‘Allow polygamy, less spinsters’) 21.08.2005; ‘Syor benarkan lelaki mengamalkan
perkahwinan misyar’ (‘Suggestion to allow misyar marriages for men’) 25.05.2006. Misyar
marriage is a marriage arrangement where the husband is released from his responsibility to
provide financially for his wife, with the consent of the wife. This arrangement is suggested
for wealthy single women who can afford themselves financially but need a husband to fulfill
their biological and sexual needs. Also, refer to entries in blogs and other websites such as
http://www.baitulmuslim.com titled ‘Masalah andartu’ (‘Problems of old maid’),
http://forum.ekpm.com titled ‘Andartu @ Andalusia – Bila mawar kering dipupuk angin’
(‘Old maids – withered roses blown by the wind’ ), http://www.Hanan.com.my titled
‘Misyar – penyelamat andartu @ andalusia’ (‘Misyar – savior for old maids @ spinsters’)
and http://www.sim.org.mai titled ‘Jalan penyelesaian masalah andartu’ (‘Solutions towards
problems of spinsters’).
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