Conflict Resolution
Why is this skill important?
Conflict occurs daily in business life. When committed people work together
toward an important vision or goal, there is invariably conflict. The way conflict
is resolved can make a big difference in how employees, franchisees, customers
and suppliers feel about the individuals and the organization.
The conflict resolution skill enables us to resolve conflict in an effective and
timely manner. Appropriate conflict resolution should further the relationships
of the individuals involved, increase accountability and help the organization to
achieve its business objectives. Effective conflict resolution can result in the
following:
•
It can address the rights of the organization and the need for individuals
to respect the standards and objectives that are necessary for the organization to
function.
•
It can identify a skill deficiency.
•
Employees can hold themselves and others accountable, regardless of
their formal position in the organization.
•
It can bring to light expectations that may have been poorly set and allows
a potential adjustment to clarify the expectations.
•
It can surface unjustified assumptions about others.
When would you use this skill?
Background
Conflict resolution is used in business and personal life to clarify perspectives
and defuse emotions, so that one can solve problems, achieve objectives and
have functioning relationships. It is not always clear how quickly you should
address a conflict. In business, the urgency of the situation and the ability of
each party to effectively defuse emotions will determine the time frame. Conflict
generally occurs when:
•
•
•
An expectation or vision of something does not become the reality.
Someone has overstepped a personal value or boundary.
There is general feeling that something is not as it should be.
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Explanation of the Skill
The explanation below follows the steps in the competency model. It is important
to note that conflict resolution and problem solving should not be confused.
Problem solving can occur only after the conflict has been resolved.
1.
Action is Appropriate
Ultimately, if the relationship is to continue, the conflict resolution action chosen
should be appropriate to the situation.
Timeliness of resolution
Timing of the resolution is extremely situational. The timing variables include:
•
The importance of the issue to the individuals involved
•
The medium of communication
•
The ability of the individuals to emotionally calm down enough to be
objective
Conflict resolution is much more an art than a straightforward science.
Therefore, the weight given to each variable is based on the experience of the
individuals resolving the conflict.
It is essential to the resolution process that a conflict is addressed and not
avoided.
Recognition of resolution options
Based on the urgency and type of situation, there are many potential resolution
options. Depending on your role, many of the options will fall into the three
categories below:
a)
The conflict is not yours to resolve and you choose not to engage
If the conflict is not yours to resolve, it is important that the situation is dealt
with quickly. If it is clear that the issue is not your conflict to engage in and
resolve, you will need to explain why. There should be a dialogue and
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clarification on why it is not your responsibility. At times, the other individual
may not agree with your perspective. You should listen effectively to his or her
perspective, but also ensure that he or she has listened to your view and you
have encouraged him or her to resolve the conflict with the appropriate person.
b)
Resolving a non-customer situation
When the timing variables dictate that the conflict must be resolved and
immediate action is needed, the basic conflict process helps ensure a better
chance of resolving the conflict (see section 3 in the model).
When immediate action is not required, a meeting allows for a well-thought-out
resolution process and increased objectivity. There should be agreement on what
is required to execute the meeting effectively. Aspects of an effective meeting
include:
•
Determining the preparation required, agenda, purpose, outcomes, roles
and timing of the meeting
•
Following the conflict resolution process, attempting to listen effectively
and focusing on improving the relationship
•
Following many of the same principles and ground rules as you would
when immediate action is needed
c)
Customer-driven situations
At times, a customer service or problem-solving situation turns into a conflict. As
a service provider, you may not always be empowered to solve the situation.
Although many of the same principles apply as in non-customer-driven
situations, some unique situations may occur when dealing with a customer:
A customer is not rational
It is wise to listen actively, but close the situation as quickly as your
responsibility will allow. Very little resolution or problem-solving can occur
when there is offensive or irrational behavior. Because engaging in conflict
resolution requires a focus on strengthening the relationship, if it is clear that the
relationship will not continue or be salvaged, it is appropriate to move to
problem-solving and close the situation quickly.
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The customer is rational
If you are an enabler for resolution, but it is not your conflict, get the right people
involved; encourage your organization's representative to follow an appropriate
resolution process. Give your recommendations and then follow up with both
parties. Officially, you can only resolve this to the level of your empowerment.
If the customer is rational but becomes aggressive or disrespectful, you do not
have to listen to offensive or derogatory comments. Make that clear with the
customer you are engaging. Explain that you want to help but it is difficult when
uncomfortable or disrespectful comments are made.
2.
Preparing Yourself
The orientation of conflict resolution is inside out. Before you can resolve an
emotional issue with someone, you must first have yourself "in check" and be
clear on what is affecting you. Some basic tenets should guide your reflective
process:
What is important?
Something has happened to push your buttons and ignite your emotions. It is
necessary to clarify what is important to you. Why are you feeling emotional in
some way? Often it is because something important to you has been infringed
upon or even violated.
What are your feelings?
How does the situation make you feel? The more specific you can be about what
you are feeling, the better you will be able to communicate those feelings.
Feelings are not necessarily rational and should not be confused with what you
are thinking.
Let us use an example of an individual who reports to you missing an important
deadline (next page):
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What you may be thinking
I think missing the deadline was
unfair to the group.
I think he has taken advantage of me
and the situation.
I think he is not respecting me.
What you may be feeling
I feel angry.
I feel frustrated and let down.
I feel disappointed.
What is the value in strengthening the relationship?
Is there a desire to strengthen the relationship? If you can resolve the conflict,
what value will that have to the relationship? In most cases, you will have to
continue to have a relationship with the individual. The stronger the
relationship, the easier it will be to resolve conflicts in the future.
What is your perspective vs. your (entrenched) position?
A resolution process can be sabotaged if you are entrenched in your position. As
a rule, it is not your point of view that is important, but your viewpoint.
Perspective allows for objectivity and can allow you to address the "why" of the
situation. Position locks into the "what" without knowing the "why."
What is your own contribution?
Conflict is rarely one-sided. Looking at how you contributed to the problem will
help you to understand the full situation. It also tends to open up the other
person's ability to look at his or her contribution, especially if he or she sees that
you are open to looking at your contribution.
What are your assumptions about the other person?
Asking yourself what you have assumed and why that assumption is important
may reflect a bias toward the situation. Work hard to think about the situation at
hand and what specifically and tangibly happened. You need to clarify in your
own mind what is perception and what is reality. Often your assumptions may
not be accurate.
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What could prevent you from listening openly?
When your buttons are pushed and you are emotional, there is a strong
possibility that emotions or a past bias could stop you from listening openly. If
you have poor conflict resolution patterns or avoid conflict, you should be highly
aware of those situations and address them internally. Past tendencies in conflict
situations resurface when you are emotional.
3.
Conflict Resolution Process
Background
There are primarily three types of conflict behavior to consider when engaging in
conflict resolution. Let us take an example to clarify behaviors.
Two individuals are working on the same team. Person 1 feels that his deadline
was missed because Person 2 did not accomplish what she was supposed to.
They are talking alone. The project is important to both of them.
a)
Aggressive conflict behavior respects your rights but denies others'
rights.
In an aggressive statement, Person 1 may say, "You are inept. You really screwed
up our project beyond repair. Don't do it again."
Passive-aggressive is aggressive behavior in disguise. The other person appears
to be neglecting his or her rights and giving in to your rights; however, in reality
he or she is trying to manipulate your rights by acting passive.
In a passive-aggressive statement, Person 1 may say, "It's OK. I'll make sure that I
clean up the situation and make it right. It's tough when a team was depending
on members to deliver, but we'll figure it out."
b)
Non-assertive conflict behavior denies your rights and gives in to others'
rights. This is the "wet noodle" approach. You do not want to rock the boat, or
you may not be clear on your own boundaries and rights.
In a non-assertive statement, Person 1 may say, "I'm sure you had a good reason.
This stuff happens. Don't sweat it."
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c)
Assertive conflict behavior is preferred. It respects your rights and the
rights of others.
Stating the situation assertively, Person 1 may say, "I feel really frustrated that
you didn't deliver and we missed the deadline. Can you tell me why it happened
and how you feel about it? I really want to understand your perspective."
Chart reflecting the three conflict behaviors
HIGH
N0N-
ASSERTIVE
ASSERTIVE
RESPECT
FOR
OTHERS
Rights, Needs
and Goals
AGGRESSIVE
LOW
LOW
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RESPECT FOR
SELF
Rights, Needs
and Goals
Conflict Resolution
HIGH
7
The process of conflict resolution is not always linear; however, there are
processes that can make the situation flow more effectively. The process may
seem mechanical at first, but it does get the right items for appropriate resolution
discussed.
Conflict surfaced
When you begin the resolution process, consider the following words to assist
you in addressing the situation appropriately:
•
•
•
•
When you… (describe other's behavior)
I feel… (describe your own feelings)
I need… (describe your own needs)
Because… (describe what is important to you)
Listen effectively
Use effective listening principles (discussed below) to listen to each other.
Appropriately guide other person through the process
If the other person has less skill or experience in resolving conflict, it is the role of
the more experienced individual to guide the less experienced person when
engaging in conflict resolution.
Own contribution and other's contribution both communicated
The more specific each of you can be about your own contribution, the better the
process will move forward.
Focus on the behavior, not the person
It is critical that you focus on the behavior that was an issue and keep away from
comments that could permanently damage a relationship. If you want the
conflict to be resolved and want to solve a business problem, your comments
need to address the behavior and not the person; for example, the comment "You
are so self-centered" is received differently than "It bothered me when you when
you didn't include me."
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4.
Effective Listening Principles
Effective listening background
Effective listening focuses on the content, feeling and perspective of others. An
inside-out orientation becomes critical to listening effectively because the focus
on developing objectivity can allow for a better listening experience. Much of
effective resolution relies on effective listening.
Traditionally, effective communication is experienced through words, sounds
and body language. The words account for about 10% of the experience, sounds
surrounding the words account for 30% and body language is the most prevalent
at 60%.
Choosing the right medium
The medium chosen to communicate to resolve conflicts can have different
listening implications.
•
Written communication is by far the least desirable way to resolve
conflict. The written word cannot relay sounds, emotions or body language, and
no verbal dialogue occurs. It is highly recommended that you not use written
communication to resolve a conflict.
•
Phone communication is better than written communication, but visual
communication and cues are lost. A significant number of questions must be
asked to gauge the feelings and thoughts of the individual. If the relationship is
not strong, it is a difficult medium to use for resolution.
•
Video conferencing allows some visual communication to occur and is a
good substitute when you cannot meet in person. It is still difficult to
communicate the raw emotion conveyed in a face-to-face situation. If the video
conferencing technology is not excellent, the poor transmission quality can also
be distracting.
•
In person is the best method to listen, communicate, resolve conflict and
enhance a relationship because you can fully experience the situation. When
considering the timeliness of resolving the conflict, you should also consider
whether the conflict resolution could wait until it can be resolved in a face-to-face
meeting. A difficult conflict has the best chance of a healthy resolution if it can
wait until for an in-person meeting.
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Listening openly to other's content, feelings and perspective and validated
your listening
There are different competency and development stages of listening. We can use
the example described earlier to clarify effective listening principles.
The development stages of listening are as follows:
•
Mimicking content demonstrates an ability to parrot what you just heard.
Person 1 says, with a large sigh, shoulders drooped, shaking his head, "You
caused the team and me to miss our deadline." Person 2 would mimic the
content by saying, "I caused you and our team to miss our deadline." It
demonstrates that you listened, but it does not necessarily show that you have
understood or internalized anything.
•
Rephrasing content demonstrates that you have listened and internalized
the content to the point that you can restate the words in your own way. A focus
on content revolves around rational thinking. You may paraphrase what you
heard. Continuing with our example, Person 2 may state, "You think that my
actions caused all of us to miss this important deadline."
•
Reflecting feeling is about getting to the heart of the matter, underneath
the content. Since this is the written word, it is difficult to explain feeling. Try
and imagine how you would feel based on the information and cues you were
given about Person 1. It was an important project, and then there was a large
sigh, shoulders were drooped, and his head was shaking before the comment
"You caused the team and me to miss our deadline." As an example of reflected
feeling, Person 2 might look at Person 1 and say, "I can see that it made you feel
really disappointed and let down."
•
Rephrasing content and reflecting feeling combines the two. It
demonstrates listening to the complete situation; i.e., that you have attempted to
listen with your head and your heart. Person 2 might say, "You think that my
actions caused all of us to miss this important deadline. I can see that it made you
feel really disappointed and let down."
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Levels of listening
Individuals listen at different levels. Continuing the above example, when you
listen, you can:
Ignore
If Person 2 ignored Person 1, there would be no response at all.
Pretend
Person 2 would have said, "Yeah, yup, right, sure…"
Be selective
Person 2 would phase in and out, but not give 100% focus to it.
Be attentive
Person 2 would probably mimic content, rephrase content and focus mostly on
words.
Be empathic
Person 2 would be able to focus on content and feelings, as described earlier. This
is the highest level of listening because you are listening fully to the whole
person.
Accepting other's comments without judgment and personal filtering
Have you ever listened and been thinking of your response while you were
supposed to be listening? Personal filtering occurs when you are hearing the
person's comments but you are relating the comments back to your experiences
and processing the information based on your way of thinking. When you do
this, you tend to lose touch with the other person's feelings because you are
focusing on your own thoughts. This also creates a number of other obstacles,
which are described on the next page:
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A desire to evaluate
An individual listens with the purpose of agreeing or disagreeing. Taking the
above example, Person 2 might say, "I agree that I was late, but not that I was the
only one responsible."
Probing
Probing involves the listener questioning a person about the situation based on
the listener's thought processes. In order to ask probing questions, you're often
thinking about your next question rather than listening. In addition, probing is a
commonly used unconscious method to control the other's line of thinking. In
effect, the listener is directing the conversation rather than allowing the
conversation to unfold at the pace of the person who is talking. Person 1 might
probe Person 2 by asking, "Why were you late? Did it occur to you that we are a
team?"
Advising
Based on his or her own experience, the listener may advise the other person on
the situation. As with probing, the listener is putting things into his or her own
frame of reference. Therefore, they are not openly listening to the other. Rather,
they are filtering the comments based on their own experience and busily
processing their comments. This filtering is not necessarily productive because
the listener's experience is not necessarily the experience of the other person. An
example from the perspective of Person 2 might be, "When team goals do not get
hit, there are usually several reasons. I suggest that you talk to all the other team
members as well. I would suggest that you also examine your level of
commitment to the goal."
Interpreting Motives
As with the earlier examples, interpreting motives blocks effective listening.
Interpreting motives can be a particularly damaging act in that it can lead to
unjustified assumptions. Frequently the interpretation of motives is based on
one's own personal experiences rather than the present situation. Therefore
interpreting motives of another person can significantly block empathic listening.
As an example, Person 2 may think, "Person 1 is trying to get me in trouble.
People have tried to scapegoat me before when I have relied on teams." Person 2
may start to feel very defensive because of that experience and may end up
responding, "I don't think it was all my fault -- other people contributed. I think
there was a lot more to the situation than that."
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5.
Agree on the Issue
Both perspectives understood and validated
Once each of you has listened and validated what you have heard from the other
person (content and feelings), you can move to agreeing to the underlying issue.
General problem to be solved is identified
Frequently the underlying issue requires problem-solving. Once emotions are
defused, the conflict resolution process is winding down.
Conflict resolution does not include solving the problem, but it does include
getting to the problem-solving stage.
6.
Net/Net
It is clear that the purpose is to resolve the conflict in an effective and timely
manner. This has been accomplished if:
•
•
•
The emotions have been defused in a timely fashion
The relationship has been strengthened in the process
There is a commitment to solve the general problem
The next step would be problem-solving toward an equitable solution.
Recommended Reading
Covey, Stephen R., The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons In
Personal Change, New York: Simon & Shuster, 1989.
Recommended: Habit 5 -- The chapter "Seek to Understand, Then Seek To Be
Understood," pp. 235-260.
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