How Do I Forgive Myself – Step 4: Reparation
By Michelle J. S. Richards, Ph.D.
Step 4: Reparation
While God will forgive you when you ask, it is only human nature to need more than a request in
order to pardon yourself or another. As mentioned in an earlier step, this may hamper your ability
to forgive yourself. What can you do about this? Others want to know that your behavior has been
reformed. In addition, to your behavior changing some may require reparations. Reparation is
compensation or reimbursement for the damages your behaviors cost.
Let us say for illustration sake, that you are a recovering alcoholic. While under the influence you
stole checks and credit cards and fraudulently used them. It is understandable that the victim
might rightly want financial restitution for his or her loss.
This principle can be applied to many situations. For example, it may be controversial to forgive
someone who molests a child in his family and for him (since the majority of convicted sex
offenders are male) to forgive himself. Is he ever allowed to forgive himself? What if he has gone
through all of the aforementioned steps: recognition, remorse, repentance, and reform? Furthermore,
he has paid his debt to society by serving jail time (a form of reparation). God has forgiven him.
Should the community, his family, and his victim (who’s a family member) forgive him? If not,
does that mean he will have to live in isolation with no familial support forever? Does he still owe
them a debt? There is a school of thought that believes once a sex offender always a sex offender
and he should be isolated. There’s another camp that says he should pay reparations to the family
member who survived his sexual assault to be reinstated into the family. Perhaps, you are saying,
“no,“ this is too heinous a crime. He should never be reunited with his family. What if he is faking
and reoffends against the children of the family?
Okay, what if this same sex offender is a pre-adolescent who offended against a sister? An
USAToday.com article written in 2010 states that, “More than a third [36%] of sex crimes against
juveniles are committed by juveniles, according to new research commissioned by the Justice
Department.” Let us say, he’s gone through treatment and been “rehabilitated.” Then what? Does
he get to live the rest of his life isolated from his family with no chance to make amends and prove
that he can be a productive, law-abiding citizen? Once isolated, this person may become dangerous
because they have nothing to lose. The latter group of thinkers believe he should pay some form of
penance or reparation and be given a chance.
Consider the one act that you have done that you are extremely embarrassed about. Perhaps, no
one else knows that you have done this deed. You feel that others my judge you or no longer be
your friend if you revealed this to them. Reparation is a method that allows you to make amends
or do penance and be absolved of the guilt associated with an infraction. This process allows you
to repay your debt to other. It opens the door for you to forgive yourself.
Those who are unable to find a way to dispel their guilt or shame often punish themselves through
self-sabotage, overeating, addictions, poor self-esteem, problematic relationships, and more. What
© 2011 Michelle J. Richards, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved
Joyful Life Institute, Inc. 105 Kathryn Dr. Ste. 400 Lewisville, TX, 75067 972-906-5607 www.JoyfulLifeInstitute.com
How Do I Forgive Myself – Step 4: Reparation
By Michelle J. S. Richards, Ph.D.
if this ritual, reparation or penance, could help you forgive yourself and stop reliving and repaying
for the past mistake. Would you like to try it?
If it will not further injure the one you hurt, you might ask that person what it might take for him
to forgive you. While her forgiveness is not necessary, it could identify a reasonable reparation
and be useful in speeding your healing. If you pay a debt with something that will actually have
meaning to the survivor, you both may be able to let go of the incident. If it would further injure
the victim, find a way to do penance that won’t intrude on the victim. For example, make a
donation to a charity.
Reparations are rituals that can help others forgive you and ease the way for you forgiving
yourself. Choose reparations that have meaning to the victim. Then release your negative feelings
once you have completely paid your debt.
Reference
USAToday.com. (2010). Study: Many Sex Offenders are Juveniles. http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/201001-03-kid-sex-offenders_N.htm
About the Author:
Dr. Michelle J. Richards, Ph.D., counsels or coaches clients, executives, employees, and businesses owners. Our
services include counseling (individual, marital, family, & group); trauma work; peak performance, and executive
coaching; EMDR; hypnotherapy; parenting coordination; and Critical Incident Debriefing. She welcomes clients who
are in crisis or need to accomplish goals. This is an adaptation from her unpublished manuscript, “Deceived.” For
more information, go to her website: www.JoyfulLifeInstitute.com or call 972-906-5607. Follow us on Facebook at
Joyful Life Institute. Tweet us at JoyfulLifeInst.
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Disclaimer:
Vignettes and anecdotes are works of fiction. Any names, characters, incidents, locations, and interactions herein
are fictitious. Any similarity to or any identification with any person (living or dead), history of any person, historical
figures, event, location, product, or entity are entirely coincidental and unintentional. The descriptions of people and
their interactions are composites of many people she has met in her life journey.
© 2011 Michelle J. Richards, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved
Joyful Life Institute, Inc. 105 Kathryn Dr. Ste. 400 Lewisville, TX, 75067 972-906-5607 www.JoyfulLifeInstitute.com