CutBank
Volume 1
Issue 78 CutBank 78
Article 40
Spring 2013
Ugly
Tamara Schuyler
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Schuyler, Tamara (2013) "Ugly," CutBank: Vol. 1: Iss. 78, Article 40.
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Ta
m a r a
Sc
h u y l e r
UGLY
W e re s i t t i n g in a c i r c l e f o r g r o u p d i sc u s s i o n in t he a n o r e x i a w a r d ,
and t he n e w g i r l , Jani ce, is t e l l i n g us a b o u t her par en ts . T h e y
s o u n d l i k e a real p r iz e pair. W e all t a l k a b o u t o u r f a m i l i e s in here,
e v e n t u a l l y . Jani ce pauses and s h i f t s in h er chai r. 1 s h o u l d tell h e r
t h a t no a m o u n t o f s q u i r m i n g is g o i n g to m a k e t h i n g s m o r e c o m ­
fortable.
T h e n am e Jani ce makes me t h i n k o f a w h o l e s o m e b a b y s i t ­
ter o r a r o b u s t p i a n o teacher. N o t a g i r l w i t h b l u i s h s k i n and h a i r
so b r i t t l e t he re s h o u l d be a “ c o m b u s t i b l e ’ tag h a n g i n g f r o m her
p o n y t a i l . She b e t t e r keep t h a t s t u f f a wa y f r o m o p e n f lames. N o t
t ha t we have a ny o p e n f lames in here. N o l i g h t e r s . N o t h i n g to
l i g h t , except m a y b e o u r o w n s el f-i mages.
She’s p r e t t y , Janice. O r , she was. B l o n d , s l i m , p er f e c t . She
says t h a t ’s w h a t h er p ar e nt s always t o l d her. I guess t h e y l a id it on
real t h i c k . F u n n y , h o w t o o m a n y c o m p l i m e n t s and n o n e at all can
lead to t he same disease in t w o d i f f e r e n t p eo pl e. Jani ce is t i r e d
now, a f t e r all t h a t t a l k i n g . I t ’s u n u s u a l in a n e w r e c r u i t , t o be so
ready t o share. H e r m o u t h o pe ns in a w i d e O t h a t she t ries to
st if le . T h o s e c h o m p c r s a r en ’t so lovely, I ’m s o r r y t o r e p o r t . I l i c k
m y l ips a nd b r u s h m y s w e a t s h i r t sleeve across t h e m t o w i p e a way
a ny w h i t e j u n k t h a t ’s a c c u m u l a t e d o n t he i n s i d e edges. P le nt y. I
t ake a n o t h e r s w i pe w i t h t he o t h e r sleeve.
A f t e r g r o u p d i sc u s s i o n I get a S t y r o f o a m c u p o f wat er ,
d r i n k u n t i l m y eyeballs are f l o a t i n g , a n d slosh m y s e l f d o w n on
the c o u c h n ext t o Jani ce. She raises her a r m in w h a t c o u l d be
a gest ure o f se lf -def ense, l i k e m y presence is a p h y si c a l assault.
I hen her w r i s t flies b ac k t o rest on her s h o u l d e r as i f she were
just s t r e t c h i n g . H e r elbow' r e m a i n s s u s pe n de d , p o i n t i n g at me.
I ’m a f r a i d the b o n e m i g h t b i t e r i g h t t h r o u g h t he t r a n s l u c e n t s k i n .
Then she c a l m l y places b o t h h an d s in h er lap. U n d e r c o n t r o l .
149
“ Hey, ” I say, a n d I start to c h e w on the edge o f the cup. It
makes s q u e a k i n g noises as my t eet h move agai nst it. I wa t ch her
over the rim.
“ H i , ” she says, wi t h a b o u t as m u c h w a r m t h as a de ad frog.
She gazes at her u n m o v i n g ha nds. " W h a t do you w a n t ? ” S h e ’s not
hostile. Mo r e like t otally resigned. S h e ’s like a zoo a n i ma l t hat
k nows it c a n ’t get away fr om the g a wk i n g peopl e, so w h y resist,
wh y struggle? I ’m not the a ud i e nc e , t h o u g h . I ’m in the next cage
d o wn . I tell her it s o u n d s like her pa r e nt s are t wo o f the seven
w o n d e r s o f the worl d.
“ There are e i g h t , ” she says.
For a s e c on d I d o n ’t k n o w wh a t s h e ’s t al ki ng a b o u t . Ei ght
parents? N o t even I have ei ght o f t h e m. Four, s o m e t i m e s five.
I hen I get it.
“ There are ei ght w o n d e r s ? ” I ask.
“ Yeah.” A n d I t h i n k , h e r e ’s the ei g ht h w o n d e r ri ght here:
the fact t ha t J ani ce t h i nk s i t ’s w o r t h m a k i n g t he effort to correct
me on the n u m b e r o f w o n d e r s in t he wor l d. I wai t for her to fill
me in f ur t her , b u t a p p a r e n t l y I ’m g oi n g to have to keep a ski ng her
q u e s t i o n s to get a n y t h i n g o u t o f her. Ma y b e she wa nt s to ma ke
me beg. I w o u l d n ’t b l a me her. G o d knows, the pr os pe ct s for e n ­
t e r t a i n m e n t in here are pr e t t y bleak.
“Are you g o i ng to keep c h e w i n g on t hat c u p ? ” she asks.
“ Because if you are, I ’m goi ng back to my r o o m . ” Well, ho w a b o u t
that. Look w h o wa nt s to be my friend.
I c r us h the c up in o n e h a n d a n d t h r o w it t owa r d the g a r ­
bage can. I miss, by a lot.
Jani ce t wi t ches like s h e ’s a b o u t to heave o f f a n d pick up
the c u p — she is closer, after all — b u t she stays put . I do too.
I ll pick it up later. It feels g o o d to leave trash on the floor for
a while. Just si t t i ng a n d no t m o v i n g a n d t h i n k i n g a b o u t the fact
t ha t you aren't d o i n g wh a t y o u ’re s u p p o s e d to do, w h a t ever yone
150 Schuyler
w o u l d ex pect you to do.
“So,” 1 say, a n d 1 h o p e Jan ic e will look up, b u t she d o e s n ’t.
All o f a s u d d e n s h e ’s p r e t t y skilled at s i t t i n g pe rfe ctl y still. “So,
tell me y o u r story.
“ 1 just d id that . You w e r e n ’t l is t e n i n g ? ” She's i r r it a te d , b u t
1 d o n ’t m i n d .
“ I w a n t to k n o w m o re . Like ho w you really got here. Your
w h o l e jou rne y. You k n o w ? ” J o u rn ey is a w o r d we use a lot in g r o u p
di scu ss ion .
She looks up, m eet s m y eye, a nd looks m o r e sad t h a n
m e a n . M o r e sad t h a n defensive. “T h a t ' s n o t really the p o i n t , is it?
T h e q u e s t i o n is h o w I'm g o n n a get o u t . ’
Wow. 1 t h o u g h t I h ad her pegged. S h e ’s so dr ie d up 1
t h o u g h t she m ig h t be a n o t h e r Gigi.
Gigi arrived w h e n 1 was o nl y a few days i n to my first visit.
I wasn't so in to m a k i n g fri en ds t h e n . I was a little raw a r o u n d the
edges, you c o u ld say - a nd th er e wasn't m u c h to me o t h e r t h a n
edges. So 1 d i d n ’t get to k n o w Gigi. I don 't t h i n k a n y o n e did . I
never t h o u g h t a b o u t it be for e now, b u t m a y b e it was Gigi th a t
t u r n e d m e i n to this social b ut ter fly . M a y b e I d e c i d e d it w o u l d be
b e tte r to have loved a nd lost, a nd all th a t . W h o knows:'
W h e n Gigi first got here she was p r e t t y sick, p r e t t y far
gone. She d i d n ’t even talk d u r i n g th e g r o u p sessions. She refused,
w h i c h is ha rd to do, wh at w it h all th e j a b b e r i n g the social w o r k ­
ers do. You start t a l k in g even if you d o n t w a n t to, just so t h ei r
tw e e ty - b ir d voices d o n ’t drill holes in y o u r b ra in . But Gigi was as
silent as a rock at th e b o t t o m of th e oc e an . A n d no w o n d e r . H e r
heart was failing. H o w can you tell y o u r w o r s t secrets to a r o o m
full of s tr a n g e rs w h e n y o u r o r g a n s d o n t even f u n c t i o n right:' Jesus
C h r i s t in h e a v e n , as m y g r a n d m o t h e r w o u l d say. Jesus C h r i s t in
heaven, just eat a n o t h e r piece o f pie a nd c o n s i d e r yourself lucky
to have it.
Schuyler
T h a t a dvi c e w o u l d n ’t have w o r k e d a n y mi r a c l e s o n Gi gi .
She a c t u a l l y c o u l d n ’t eat at t h a t p o i n t . T h e y fed he r w i t h a ne e dl e
in he r a r m , b u t I guess it d i d n ' t wo r k . D i e d o f a h e a r t a t t a c k or
m u l t i p l e o r g a n fai l ure, it was ne ve r e x p l a i n e d w h i c h . Really, o f
c our s e , she d i e d o f a b r o k e n he a r t . I k n o w t h a t ’s a t e r r i bl e p u n or
cl i c he or w h a t e v e r y o u call it, b u t I t h i n k i t ’s also t r ue . A n y o n e
w h o di es o f t his di seas e di es of a t o r n - u p he a r t . Gi gi w a n t e d to
di e, o f c o u r s e - we all d o by t he t i m e we get here. A n d gi ven t ha t ,
h o w c o m e s o m e of us m a n a g e to pul l t h r o u g h ? Life is full o f m y s ­
t eries, I guess.
M a y b e J a n i c e is o n e o f t he s ur vi vor s . M a y b e s h e ’ll get o u t
a n d wr i t e a be s t - s e l l i ng b o o k a b o u t he r s t r u g g l e w i t h a n o r e x i a , a
b o o k a b o u t he r b a t t l e a n d h o w s he w o n it a n d h o w y o u c an t oo.
T h e first t h i n g he r b o o k will say is to get t h e hell a wa y f r o m y o u r
p a r e n t s as q u i c k l y as y o u can. J a n i c e ’s p a r e n t s s o u n d like p e o p l e
on a b a d d a y t i m e s oa p o p e r a - p e o p l e w i t h f ake hair, f ake smi l es,
fake c l ot he s , fake p e r s o n a l i t i e s . O n l y t h i n g real a b o u t t h e m is
t he i r ob s e s s i o n w i t h f akeness. T h e y t r i e d t o get J a n i c e t o have
pl ast i c s u r g e r y w h e n she was t en years ol d. Te n. T h e y we r e w o r ­
ried a b o u t h o w p o i n t y he r nos e was g e t t i n g .
I l ook s t r a i g h t i n t o J a n i c e ’s w a s h e d - u p - m o v i e - s t a r eyes
a n d n o d m y he a d. “ Yes. Yes, h o w t o get o u t o f he r e is t h e i m ­
p o r t a n t q u e s t i o n . A n d I ’d like to k n o w t he a ns we r , so w h e n you
c o m p l e t e t he c a l c u l a t i o n s , be s ur e t o s t o p by a n d feed t h e m i nt o
m y IV b a g . ”
J a n i c e c r acks a smi l e, t he first o n e I ’ve seen s i nc e s he a r ­
r ived, a n d a t i ngl y f eel i ng rises u p f r o m , m y t oes to m y m i d ­
dle. So r t o f like w h e n y o u pee in t he s w i m m i n g p ool , e xc e p t t he
w a r m t h is m o v i n g in t he o p p o s i t e d i r e c t i o n .
It ’s f r ee z i ng in here. It al ways is. We sit a r o u n d in l oose,
b u l k y layers of fleece a n d wo o l , like we t h i n k we re a b o u t t o be
s h i p p e d o f f to a w i n d y d a y at t he b e a c h . O u r vi si t or s t h i n k i t ’s
152 Schuyler
b e c a u s e we w a n t to h id e o u r b o d ie s f r o m t h e w o r l d d u e to o u r
n e u r o t i c m i s c o n c e p t i o n s , b u t r e a l l y i t ’s b e c a u s e w e ’re s t r a i g h t - u p
c o l d as a b u n c h o f b a g s o f f r o z e n p e a s . J a n i c e , t h o u g h , s e e m s i m ­
m u n e t o t e m p e r a t u r e , in s p i t e o f t h e f a c t t h a t h e r e x p o s e d s k i n
is o n e s h a d e s h o r t o f i n d i g o . S h e ’s w e a r i n g a n o v e r s i z e d
I-shirt
w i t h a r u n n i n g t e a m s p e l l e d in o r a n g e b l o c k l e t t e r s o n t h e f r o n t .
J E F F E R S O N C R O S S C O U N T R Y . T h e o r a n g e lo oks p r e t t y nice
against the blue b ac k d ro p .
“ D o y o u r u n c r o s s - c o u n t r y ? ’ 1 say.
A g a i n s h e ’s f a c i n g h e r a p p a r e n t l y f a s c i n a t i n g l a p , b u t t h e n
she m ov es h e r w h o l e hea d to w a r d m e, slowly, like an owl o n th e
D i s c o v e r y c h a n n e l . H e r eye s a r e e n o r m o u s . “ I u s e d t o , ’ s h e says.
“ B u t t h i s i s n ’t m y s h i r t . ”
T h i s is w h a t I ’m t a l k i n g a b o u t . S h e w a n t s m e t o p l e a d f o r
it. “A n d , so, w h o s e is i t ? ” I ’m h a p p y t o d o t h e a s k i n g . I r e s t r a i n
m y s e l f f r o m p r o n o u n c i n g w h o s e w i t h a n e x t e n d e d “o o o o o o ” t o
s o u n d l i k e a n o w l ’s h o o t .
“ I t ’s m y b o y f r i e n d ’s.
Janice on ce again looks straight in to
m y e ye s w h e n s h e s ays t h i s , as i f s h e ’s a f r a i d t h e n e w s wi l l w a s h m e
c l e a r a w a y if s h e d o e s n t na il m e i n p l a c e w i t h a s h a r p s t a r e . I hi s
is v e r y r e f r e s h i n g . L o o k i n g p e o p l e in t h e e ye isn t a g r e a t s t r e n g t h
o f m o s t o f m y c o m p a t r i o t s here, a n d I get to feeling lo n ely w h e n
all m y c o n v e r s a t i o n p a r t n e r s f i n d t h e e m p t y w a l l b e h i n d m y h e a d
m o re en g a g in g th an w h a t 1 m saying.
“ W h a t ’s h e l i k e , y o u r b o y f r i e n d ? ” I say, w i t h o u t l e a k i n g
a n y t r a c e o f s u r p r i s e at t h e i d e a o f f l i m s y J a n i c e h a v i n g a b e a u .
“ H e ’s . . . ” S h e c l o s e s h e r e ye s a n d h e s i t a t e s f o r so l o n g I t h i n k s h e
m i g h t h a v e f a l l e n a s l e e p . “ H e ’s . . .
A gain, she stops. She s killing
m e w i t h t h e t h o u g h t f u l p a u s e s . “ H e ’s n i c e . " S h e c o m p l e t e s t h e
s e n t e n c e , a n d it feel s l i k e a m a j o r a c c o m p l i s h m e n t . I t s n o t t h e
m o s t e n l i g h t e n i n g p i e c e o f i n f o r m a t i o n I ve h e a r d t o d a y , b u t , f o r
J a n i c e , it v e r g e s o n t h e p r o f o u n d .
Schuyler
153
“ T h a t ’s e x c e l l e n t , ’ 1 tell her. “ N o o n e is b e t t e r o f f w i t h a
b o y f r i e n d w h o i s n’t ni ce. I ’m gl ad t o h e a r i t . ’
A n d t h e n J a n i c e f i na l l y t ake s t h e rei ns. T his is a t o p i c s he
c a n c h e w o n , I guess: t h e s u p e r i o r i t y of a ni c e b o y f r i e n d ove r a
n o t - n i c e o n e . She tells m e a b o u t h e r p r e v i o u s b o y f r i e n d , a s or t
o f h o m e c o m i n g k i n g w i t h gills a n d l i t t l e s p r o u t y legs, c o n t i n u ­
ally c i r c l i n g t h e t o p of t h e p o n d w a i t i n g f or s o m e o n e t o s t i c k
o u t a b r a n c h so he c o u l d m a k e his wa y o n t o l a n d . H e d r o p p e d
J a n i c e l ike a m a g g o t y a p p l e , as s o o n as he c a u g h t t h e a t t e n t i o n o f
s o m e o n e m o r e p o p u l a r . A n d t h a t was a f t e r t h e i r t w o - y e a r p e r f e c t
t e e n a g e r o m a n c e . T h e y first m e t w h e n s he wa s o n l y t h i r t e e n . I
c a n ’t i m a g i n e h a v i n g h a d a b o y f r i e n d w h e n I was t h i r t e e n . 1 was
ba r e l y o u t o f d i a p e r s t h e n . Ac t ua l l y, I c a n ’t r eal ly i m a g i n e h a v i n g
a b o y f r i e n d now. O r ever, f or t h a t ma t t e r . I ask h e r i f s he has a
p i c t u r e o f h e r c u r r e n t b o y f r i e n d , a n d s he doe s .
S h e get s up, all s t i c k - i n s e c t a r m s a n d legs, a n d 1 f o l l o w
he r to he r r o o m , w h i c h s h e s ha r e s w i t h M i r a n d a . M i r a n d a d o e s n ' t
l o o k u p f r o m h e r b o o k w h e n we e nt e r . S h e ’s an o l d - t i m e r , like
me, he r e a n d g o n e , h e r e a n d g o n e , w h o k n o w s h o w m a n y t i me s .
We re yo- yos : b e t t e r , wo r s e , b e t t e r , wo r s e . I t ’s a wa y o f g e t t i n g
t h r o u g h life, a wa y t h a t has a c e r t a i n s e d u c t i v e r h y t h m . M i r a n d a
a n d I c a n r el at e t o e a c h o t h e r , I gues s, t h o u g h s o m e t i m e s I feel
like we re b o x i n g o p p o n e n t s or s o m e t h i n g , a l wa ys k e e p i n g s o m e
d i s t a n c e b e t w e e n us. H e r f a mi l y is l ike m i n e ; I d o n ’t t h i n k t h e y
n o t i c e w h e r e s he is, w h e t h e r s h e ’s he r e or t h e r e o r e ve n al i ve for
t h a t ma t t e r . T h e y ’ve n e v e r vi s i t ed.
At l east t w o o f m y n u m e r o u s p a r e n t s ha ve b e e n h e r e o n c e
or t wi ce . N o t m y t wo o r i g i n a l p a r e n t s , o f c o u r s e , b u t t w o f r o m
t h e o u t e r o r b i t o f c i r c l i n g , s h u f f l i n g g u a r d i a n s . J a n i c e pul l s o n a
s t r i n g a r o u n d h e r n e c k a n d lifts a key o u t f r o m i n s i d e h e r b o y ­
f r i e n d ’s T - s h i r t . I w o n d e r w h a t else s h e ’s h i d d e n i n s i d e t h e r e . She
154 Schuyler
u n l o c k s t h e t o p d r a w e r o f h e r b e d s i d e t a b l e , a n d m y j a w hi t s t h e
fl oor. I n e v e r k n e w t h o s e d r a w e r s l o c k e d . N e v e r t h o u g h t t o ask
f or a key. W h a t t h e hel l w o u l d 1 l o c k up? M y r a t t y o l d u n d e r ­
p a n t s ? S h e t a k e s h e r p u r s e f r o m t h e t o p d r a w e r - - t h e k i n d of p u r s e
I k n e w s he ' d ha ve : s ma l l , l e a t h e r , r e d, w i t h b i g s i l ver z i p p e r s a n d
s n a p s - - a n d s h e lifts o u t a p h o t o g r a p h . I t ’s t h e t w o o f t h e m , J a n ­
i ce a n d t h e r u n n e r . H e ’s n i c e - l o o k i n g , h a r m l e s s , w i t h b r o w n h a i r
s w i n g i n g a c r o s s hi s eyes, b u t i t ’s J a n i c e t h a t s t o p s m e c o l d .
In t h e p i c t u r e she' s so p r e t t y . I c o u l d tell s h e wa s o n c e
p r e t t y , b u t I h a d n o i dea. T h e d i f f e r e n c e is u n b e l i e v a b l e . In t h e
p i c t u r e s h e l o o k s l i ke a s h i n y , j u i c y g r a p e , w h i l e r i g h t in f r o n t of
m e s h e ’s a r a i s i n , t h e last r a i s i n in t h e p a c k w i t h c r u s t y , c l o u d y
s t u f f o n it. I k e e p l o o k i n g at t h e p i c t u r e . 1 d o n ’t l o o k at J a n i c e .
M v b r a i n is v i b r a t i n g so m u c h
1 w a n t t o g r a b h o l d of it a n d
s q u e e z e . “ H o w l o n g a g o wa s t h i s t a k e n ?
I ask. I m a l i t t l e s h o r t of
b r e a t h a n d I w i s h I c o u l d g o b a c k w a r d s in t i m e a n d a v o i d J a n i c e
altogether.
“ W h o c a r e s how' l o n g ? ” J a n i c e says, a n d h e r b r o w is all
s c r u n c h e d t o g e t h e r in t h e m i d d l e . 1 h a v e t h e u r g e t o i r o n it. S h e
takes the edge o f the p i ct ur e bet we en her finger and t h u m b and
p u l l s a n d 1 know' 1 h a v e t o let go b u t 1 c a n t. M y g r i p is s t u c k o n
t h e p i c t u r e , l i ke w h e n 1 r i p p e d o u t a c h u n k o f m y b r o t h e r ’s h a i r
b e c a u s e 1 c o u l d n ' t l o o s e n m y fist a n d he j e r k e d hi s h e a d away.
J a n i c e a n d I ar e l o c k e d l i ke t h a t f or a f e w s e c o n d s a n d t h e n s he
c h o k e s o u t , “ M a d d i e , pl ease. ' ' H e r v o i c e is gray, a n d m y n a m e
c o m e s at m e o n t h e e d g e o f a d u l l k n i f e . S o m e t h i n g m a d e o f t h i c k
gl ass s h a t t e r s i n s i d e me . I ’m b e i n g s t a b b e d by a m i l l i o n s h a r d s ,
b u t I d o n ' t let go. T h e n J a n i c e p u t s h e r o t h e r h a n d o n m y a r m ,
a n d e v e n t h o u g h h e r f i n g e r s ar e icy, h e r t o u c h is h o t . It' ll l eave a
s c a r a n d I'll b e b r a n d e d . S h e o p e n s h e r w h o l e p a l m a n d f o l d s it
a r o u n d m y a r m a n d I w o n d e r h o w l on g I can st an d the pain. Mi -
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r a n d a l ooks ar us a n d h o l d s her h a n d a bove t he nur s e- cal l b u t t o n
at t he side o f her bed. 1 let go of t he p i c t u r e , s n a t c h my a r m away,
a n d r un.
A c o u p l e days later I t h i n k a b o u t cal l i ng h o m e . 1 h a v e n ’t cal led
o n c e d u r i n g this stay. I w o n d e r w h a t ’s h a p p e n i n g t her e, w h e t h e r
my b r o t h e r C h a d is still s u s p e n d e d f r o m s c hoo l for s t a r t i n g a fire
in t he cafeteria. T h e r e ’s a b a n k o f pay p h o n e s at t he e n d o f t he
wa r d. I e nv i s i on t he p h o n e s for a l ong t i me bef or e h e a d i n g over
t here. I i ma g i n e my s e l f di a l i ng, a n d my m o m p i c k i n g up. She
d o e s n ’t r ecogni ze my voi ce at first. W h e n she does, she l aughs
a n d ha ngs up, like i t ’s a g o o d joke. I s t a n d t he r e r u n n i n g t h r o u g h
i m a g i n a r y s cenar i os unt i l 1 get to o n e t h a t ’s t ol er abl e.
Then I
di g in my p o c k e t s a n d , lo a n d b e h o l d , t h e r e ’s s o m e c h a n g e . W h o
knew?
It rings for a l o n g t i me. We d o n ’t have an a n s w e r i n g m a ­
chi ne . Fi nal l y C h a d ans wer s , w h i c h is w h a t I e xp e c t e d . “ Hey,
Chad.
Silence. “ I t ’s me, yo u d o r k . M a d d i e . ' ’
“O h hi, Ugly.
We re bi g on t e r ms of e n d e a r m e n t in my
family.
Si l ence agai n. I k n o w if I d o n ’t say s o m e t h i n g h e ’ll h a n g
up. “C h a d , have I ever l o o k e d like a gr a pe to y o u ? ’
H e d o e s n t a n s w e r at once. I can hear t he TV. “ W h a t are
yo u t a l k i n g a b o u t ? ” T h e r e ’s no edge to his voice. H e ’s p r o b a b l y
hi gh. “ W h a t ’s g o i n g on, Ma d d i e ? I t h o u g h t t he y wer e s u p p o s e d to
be fixi ng y o u r m e n t a l r e t a r d a t i o n in t here, n o t m a k i n g it w o r s e . ’’
I ask h i m if M o m is t here, a n d he says he d o e s n ’t know,
ma y b e s h e ’s in her r o o m. I e n c o u r a g e h i m to i nvest i gat e, a n d t he n
h e ’s g o n e for a l ong t i me. It w o u l d n ’t be u n h e a r d o f for h i m to get
d i s t r a c t e d hal f way across t he l i ving r o o m a n d e n d up l e avi ng t he
p h o n e o f f t he h o o k for days. But he does c o m e b a c k a n d says he
t h i n k s s h e ’s there, b u t she d o e s n ’t c o m e to t he p h o n e .
156 Schuyler
i w a i t f or m o r e , b u t i t ’s o b v i o u s I ' m n o t g o i n g t o g e t m u c h o u t
o f h i m r i g h t n o w. I as k h i m t o tell M o m it w o u l d b e g r e a t i f s h e
c a m e t o vi si t . I say m a y b e t h e y c a n all c o m e t o vi si t . I tell h i m
t h e r e ’s a m i c r o w a v e h e r e a n d we c a n m a k e s o m e p o p c o r n .
“ S u r e , M a d d i e . I ll tell her. H e y l i s t e n , I g o t t a go.
Yeah, I t h i n k . D o n ’t we all.
At d i n n e r , J a n i c e sits d o w n n e x t t o m e w i t h a c u p o f s o u p a n d
t h r e e c r a c k e r s . I g u e s s s h e ’s n o t a b i n g e - a n d - p u r g e r , in s p i t e of
h e r b a d t e e t h . S o m e o f t h e gi rl s l o a d u p t h e i r p l a t e s , b u t t h e y re
n o t f o o l i n g a n y o n e . D a y a f t e r d a y t h e y s t u f f t h e i r pi e h o l e s w i t h
m a s h e d p o t a t o e s a n d gr avy, a n d I c o u l d still g a t h e r t h e m all u p in
o n e h a n d , let t h e m fall, a n d p l a y p i c k - u p - s t i c k s w i t h t h e r e s ul t .
S k i n n y a n d s t i f f as p i n e n e e d l e s in w i n t e r .
Like Janice, I don't vomi t. After the t ug o f war wi t h the
p i c t u r e I d i d feel l i ke t h r o w i n g u p , b u t all I m a n a g e d t o b r i n g
u p wa s s o m e w a t e r y bi l e.
I h e r e wa s n o t h i n g el se t h e r e . It wa s
c o m f o r t i n g , k n o w i n g I wa s e m p t y . S o m e t i m e s I i m a g i n e t h a t i f I
c o u l d b e c o m e e m p t y e n o u g h , flat e n o u g h , I c o u l d sl i p t h r o u g h a
c r a c k in t h e f l o o r a n d n e v e r c o m e b a c k . A p p a r e n t l y a n o r e x i a t a k e s
m a n y f o r m s — so say t h e s oci al w o r k e r s . S o m e o f y o u t h i n k y o u re
fat e v e n t h o u g h y o u ’re n o t . (I ni s u r e t h o s e w e r e n t Ms . M o o r e ’s
e x a c t w o r d s . ) A n d s o m e of y o u k n o w y o u ’re t h i n b u t still w a n t
t o be t h i n n e r , as if y o u w a n t t o d i s a p p e a r . W h e n Ms . M o o r e s ai d
t h a t , it wa s t h e fi rst t i m e in m y life I felt l i ke s o m e o n e u n d e r s t o o d
me . T h e n 1 p o i n t e d o u t t o h e r t h a t s h e d d e s c r i b e d o n l y t w o f o r m s
of t h e i l l ness, n o t “m a n y .
Bu t s h e wa s u n i m p r e s s e d b y m y a t t e n ­
t ion to detail.
J a n i c e is p e r c h e d n e x t t o m e o n t h e b e n c h , j u s t far e n o u g h
away t hat we won' t b u m p each o t h e r accidentally. She d o e s n t
l o o k at m e , a n d I c e r t a i n l y d o n ’t t r y t o c a t c h h e r eye. W e h a v e n t
s p o k e n s i n c e t h e i n c i d e n t . S h e ’s a v o i d e d m e a n d e v e r y o n e el se,
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a n d I h a v e n ' t t r i e d t o b r e a k h e r i s o l a t i o n . I f i g u r e s he c a n s t e w
all s he w a n t s in h e r r e d - p u r s e , l o c k e d - d r a w e r , c r o s s - c o u n t r y - b o y f r i e n d j uices.
“ Hi , M a d d i e , ” s h e p e e ps .
“ W h y he l l o, J a n i c e . ”
“ W h y are y o u so p i s s e d o f f ? ” H e r v oi c e is s t r a i n e d a n d
h i g h - p i t c h e d , l ike a y a p p y l i t t l e d o g .
“ W h y are y o u n o t p i s s e d off, J a n i c e ? ” I s n a t c h u p m y t r ay
a n d l eave. I d o n ' t k n o w w h e r e t hi s c o m e s f r o m . I t ’s n o t l ike me.
B u t t h e i m a g e o f J a n i c e as s he us e d t o be has l o d g e d in m y s i ­
nus e s , a g l u e y w a d o f p h l e g m .
I d e p o s i t m y e n t i r e d i n n e r at t h e c l e a n - u p ar e a a n d r i de a
w e a k e n i n g wa v e o f a n g e r t o s o m e w i n d o w s d o w n t h e hall . T h e r e ’s
n o t m u c h t o see o u t s i d e t h e h o s p i t a l . I t ’s r a i n i n g , a n d t h e b u i l d ­
i ngs a n d s t r e e t s a n d cars ar e d a r k a n d s l i ck a g a i n s t a b l a c k b a c k ­
g r o u n d . I he w i n d o w r ef l ect s a v a g u e p u r p l e o u t l i n e o f me. I c a n
a l m o s t s t a n d t o l o o k at t hi s b l u r r y v e r s i o n of mys e l f . S t r e a m s o f
r ai n spill d o w n t h e o u t s i d e o f t h e glass. I t r a c e o n e o f t h e m w i t h
m y f i n g e r b u t it j u m p s i n t o o t h e r s , w h i c h t h e n s pl i t a p a r t , a n d i t ’s
t o o h a r d t o d e c i d e w h i c h b r a n c h t o f ol l ow.
M a y b e J a n i c e ’s q u e s t i o n is a g o o d o n e , s o m e t h i n g I s h o u l d
t h i n k a b o u t — w h y I ’m pi s s e d off. I s w e e p m y h a n d a c r os s m y
s t o m a c h . Fl at . I h o l d t h e s ma l l o f m y b a c k w i t h t h e o t h e r h a n d
a n d s u c k in m y b r e a t h u n t i l t h e r e ’s ve r y l i t t l e s p a c e b e t w e e n my
p a l m s . I c l os e m y eyes a n d h o l d m y s e l f l i ke t h a t f or a wh i l e ,
b r e a t h i n g as s h a l l o w l y as p o s s i b l e . S o m e d a y I'll be a b l e t o feel t he
i m p r i n t o f o ne h a n d with the other.
I d o n t a n s w e r J a n i c e ’s q u e s t i o n . M y f a mi l y d o e s n ' t visit. W e d o n ’t
m a k e p o p c o r n . Bu t I d o c r a wl b a c k i n t o m y o w n s k i n . I t ’s c o m ­
f o r t a b l e t he r e . N o m o r e g a z i n g at ri vers of r ai n o n t h e w i n d o w . N o
m o r e p h o n e calls. I e m p t y m y p a n t s o f c h a n g e . C a r r y i n g c h a n g e
158 Schuyler
a r o u n d in m y p o c k e t s wa s b u l k y a n y w a y — n o t n e a r l y as b u l k y as
t h r e e m e a l s a day, b u t still a r e l i e f t o b e r i d of, a n d easi er. A s oci al
w o r k e r as ks m e w h y I k e e p s m o o t h i n g d o w n m y p a n t s p o c k e t s ,
b u t 1 d o n ’t k n o w t h e a n s w e r so i n s t e a d I tell h e r t h e j o k e a b o u t
the e l e ph a nt an d the aspirin. She doesn t laugh.
A w e e k g o e s b y a n d w i t h it t e n e x h a u s t i n g g r o u p d i s c u s ­
s i o n s e s s i o n s . N o o n e n e w ha s a r r i v e d s i n c e J a n i c e a n d n o o n e has
left. I a l wa y s m a n a g e t o sit n e x t t o s o m e o n e w i t h b r e a t h l i ke a
s o u r d i s h c l o t h . 1 i m a g i n e us all s t u c k as we ar e, h u r t l i n g t h r o u g h
s p a c e , t r a v e l i n g fast a g a i n s t a b l a c k , s t a r - s t u d d e d u n i v e r s e i n t o
t h e f u t u r e , f o r e v e r u n c h a n g i n g . B u t j us t as t h a t i m a g e is s e t t l i n g
i n, s o m e t h i n g s hi f t s . J a n i c e a n d M i r a n d a s t a r t t o c o m e a n d go
t o g e t h e r a n d c h a t in l o w t o n e s b e f o r e d i s c u s s i o n s t a r t s . T h e y b o t h
d e v e l o p a s o r t o f b r u i s e d g l o w I' ve n e v e r s e e n b e f o r e , as i f t h e y ’ve
b e e n p o l i s h i n g e a c h o t h e r w i t h l ar ge, s m o o t h s t o n e s . S o m e t i m e s
t h e y l a u g h . T h e rest o f us c r i n g e . E/very d a y J a n i c e ’s p o n y t a i l has
a l i t t l e m o r e b o u n c e , a l i t t l e m o r e ki c k. P r e t t y s o o n s h e ’s g o i n g t o
n e e d a l asso.
J a n i c e f i n a l l y t a l ks a b o u t h e r b o y f r i e n d in a g r o u p s e s ­
s i o n a n d 1 r eal i ze I vc b e e n w a i t i n g f or t hi s . I w o n d e r i f s h e ’ll
a c k n o w l e d g e o u r e a r l i e r c o n v e r s a t i o n , m a y b e w i t h j us t a g l a n c e in
m y d i r e c t i o n , b u t s h e d o e s n ’t. It's O K w i t h me . T h e r e a r e n ' t m a n y
t h i n g s I ' m g o o d at , b u t b e i n g i g n o r e d is o n e of t h e m . S o m e o n e
as ks J a n i c e i f s he ha s a p i c t u r e o f h e r b o y f r i e n d a n d s h e says n o
w i t h o u t hes i t a t i n g . I guess I s ho ul d n ' t be su r p r i se d by a n y t h i n g
s h e d o e s at t h i s p o i n t , b u t t h i s still s et s m e s p i n n i n g . D u r i n g t h e
rest o f t h e s e s s i o n 1 p o n d e r h e r r e s p o n s e . M a y b e I r u i n e d t h a t
n u g g e t o f s h o w - a n d - t e l l f or her , a n d i f t h a t ’s t h e ca s e I ’m a c t u a l l y
a l i t t l e bi t s or r y. N o t t o w o r r y , t h o u g h . I f a n y t r u e g u i l t l eaks in I
c a n a l wa y s w i p e it o u t b y l o o k i n g in t h e m i r r o r . I ’ve n e v e r l o o k e d
l i ke J a n i c e t h e g r a p e , a n d I n e v e r wi l l , e v e n i f I g e t wel l . Ev e n i f
m y m i d d l e w e r e t o swel l , e v e n if m y a r m s a n d legs w e r e t o b e c o m e
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t h i c k a n d h e a r t y , I d st i l l b e as r a w - l o o k i n g as a f r e s h l y d u g r a d i s h .
J a n i c e , t h o u g h . J a n i c e h a s s o m e t h i n g t o l os e.
For t h e rest of t h e a f t e r n o o n I obs es s a b o u t J a n i c e s u n ­
w i l l i n g n e s s t o s h a r e t h e p h o t o w i t h t h e g r o u p . B u t I d o n ’t l o o k
i n t h e m i r r o r , all t h e s a m e . A g e s a g o I c o v e r e d m y m i r r o r w i t h a
t a c k e d - u p t o w e l a n d n o o n e h a s c o m p l a i n e d a b o u t it, s o w h y r u i n
a g o o d t h i n g ? I f i g u r e I d o n ’t n e e d a m i r r o r t o m e a s u r e m y p r o g ­
ress. M y t w o p a l m s , p r e s s i n g a g a i n s t m y f r o n t a n d m y b a c k , a r e
a r e l i a b l e g a g e . R i g h t n o w t h e y c a n p r a c t i c a l l y s m e l l e a c h o t h e r ’s
s weat t h r o u g h t he gau z y film o f m y body.
T h e n e x t m o r n i n g t h e d o c t o r vi s i t s m y r o o m ; t h e n u r s e d r a w s m y
blood.
T h e y m a k e m e s t a y i n b e d . I t r y t h e f o o d t h a t ’s d e l i v e r e d
o n a p e e l i n g p l a s t i c t r ay, b u t it t a s t e s l i ke c h i c k e n f e a t h e r s a n d
gets s t u c k o n t he w a y d o w n .
I h e y h o o k u p a n IV. I w o n d e r w h e n
J a n i c e wi l l c o m e a n d s pi l l t h e wi l l t o l i ve i n t o t h e p l a s t i c b a g o f
c l o u d y f l u i d , b u t s h e d o e s n ' t s t o p by. I g u e s s s h e h a s n ’t f i g u r e d o u t
t h e s o l u t i o n ye t .
I ’m a l l o w e d o u t o f b e d f o r g r o u p d i s c u s s i o n , a n d w h e n i t ’s
m y t u r n to talk I just keep m y m o u t h s h u t i ns tead . I slide d o w n
i n m y c h a i r a n d w a i t f o r M s . H i l l ’s b a d g e r i n g . W h e n it c o m e s i t ’s
m o r e like a few p r o d s w i t h a p a i r o f b l u n t scissors t h a n a r o u n d
f r o m a m a c h i n e g u n . E a s y t o d o d g e . I d o n ’t e v e n l o o k a t h e r w h i l e
s h e f o r k s o u t q u e s t i o n s , a n d w h a t a r e l i e f t h a t is. I n s t e a d I t a k e
i n J a n i c e . S h e ’s m o r e g r a p e - l i k e t h a n ever . H e r f a c e is f i l l i n g o u t ,
all t h e c r e a s e s s m o o t h i n g as i f i n j e c t i o n s o f s i l i c o n e w e r e c r a w l i n g
a l o n g u n d e r t h e s u r f a c e , p a c k i n g t h e m s e l v e s i n t o all t h e h o l l o w
s p a c e s . A n d I ve n e v e r s e e n M i r a n d a l o o k i n g m o r e b r i g h t - e y e d .
S h e sits u p r i g h t , s h o u l d e r s t h r o w n b a c k , c h e s t t h r u s t o u t — t he
p o s t u r e t h a t ’s r e c o m m e n d e d i n t h e s e p a r t s , as if w e w e r e all l i v i n g
in a 1 9 5 0 s s i t c o m . T h e s e gi r l s a r e p r a c t i c a l l y c h e r u b i c , g l i s t e n i n g
w i t h l ife, b u r s t i n g at t h e s e a m s , y o d e l i n g f r o m t h e g r e e n h i l l t o p s .
160 Schuyler
I m e n t a l l y p a i n t b r ig h t red circles on t h e i r check s, a n d th e p i c t u r e
is c o m p l e t e .
A n d t h e n 1 sec it, I see w h a t ’s g o i n g on . I t ’s g r u e s o m e . An d
it ’s g lo rio us .
They are fe e di ng on me, Ja n ic e a n d M i r a n d a . I he o t h e r s
are, too , e ve ry o n e in t h e circle. I hey were n i b b l i n g at first, a nd
n ow t h e y ’re feasting. I offer m y s e l f up. I hoi st myself o n t o the
p l a t te r a n d s tr e tc h o u t , jaw u n h i n g e d a r o u n d a waxed apple. W i t h
every bi te o f their s I lose a b u r d e n s o m e c h u n k of myself. W i t h
every bite my flesh is t r a n s f o r m e d in to t he ir sh a p el y m us c le s a nd
silky skin. T h e y b e c o m e rav en ou s. I hey fly a nd shrie k, c la w in g
at m e w it h t al o n s a n d beaks, r i p p i n g o u t my insides, d r i n k i n g my
b l o o d , t e a r i n g away th e d e fla te d or ga ns . I am an e m p t y sleeve.
They gr ow r o b u s t . I swirl d o w n th e dr ai n . They b e c o m e wh ol e.
I c o m e back to partial c o n s c i o u s n e s s later, w h o k n o w s h o w m u c h
t im e has passed. My hea d feels like a w a t e r b a ll o o n s t r e t c h e d b e ­
y o n d capacity.
The c ircle is go ne , the s h in y faces o f my peers
are go n e , th o se b u t t - n u m b i n g chairs: gon e. T h a n k s be to Jesus,
Grandma.
1 have bee n useful, so n o w I ’m free. I ’m s u s p e n d e d in a
poo l o f bleac h, w he r e e v e r y t h i n g is clean. M y nos trils are cold bu t
every o t h e r pa rt o f me is w a r m . Every t i m e it seems like I m i g h t
surface I d r a g m y s e l f bac k d o w n . My a rm tingles a n d 1 sc ratch
at it. N u r s e s
voices are b e h i n d a th ic k h e dg e of w h i t e c o t t o n .
T h e r e ’s no w i n d . The o c e a n is p o u r i n g i n to my br ai n a n d t he n
o u t . In a n d o u t . Fierce a n d calm. Salty.
E v e n t u a l ly I arrive s o m e w h e r e else b u t I d o n ’t w a n t to be
th er e . I'm c old again. I o p e n my eyes a nd C h a d is s t a n d i n g right
above me, so I close t h e m ag ain. T h i s isn't w h a t I ha d in m i n d .
I was d e v o u r e d a n d I s h o u l d be gon e. N o t lying in a bed at the
m e r c y of my b r o t h e r ’s b u g - e y e d c o n f u s i o n . I’ve never k n o w n anySchuyler
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o n e w h o ’s m o r e easily a s t o n i s h e d .
“M a d d i e ? ” H e s o u n d s a n x i o u s , so h e ’s b e e n in her e l o n g
e n o u g h t h a t h e ’s no l o n g e r s t o n e d . I o p e n my eyes, focus on his
face. Hi s eyes are red. “ Ma d d i e ?
I w a n t to ask h i m it he k n o w s a n y o t h e r wo r d s , h u t w h e n
I o p e n my m o u t h to s peak, m y lips are s t u c k t o g e t h e r a n d a bi g
c h u n k o f s ki n rips off. I can tast e my u p p e r lip b l e e d i n g . C h a d
looks like h e ’s g o i n g to e i t h e r pass o u t or t h r o w up. At least t h e r e ’s
a n e w ex p r e s s i o n o n his face.
“ W h a t are y o u d o i n g her e, C h a d ? ”
H e s mi l es, s h o w i n g his b r o k e n t o o t h . M o s t p e o p l e w h o ’d
lost hal t a f r o n t t o o t h w o u l d learn to s mi l e wi t h t h e i r lips cl osed,
b u t n o t C h a d . H e d o e s n ’t give a crap. “ I g o t h u n g r y , ” he says. “ I
t h o u g h t I m i g h t s wi n g by t or s o m e p o p c o r n . ”
“ I l i ed, ” I say. “T h e r e ’s no m i c r o w a v e in here, a n d no p o p ­
corn.”
H e s n or t s . “ I k n o w t h a t , M a d d i e . I t ’s a f u c k i n g h os pi t a l .
I ’m n o t d u m b . ” H e d r o p s i n t o t he c h a i r n e xt to my bed , a n d it
cr eaks u n d e r his we i ght .
“ C h r i s t , C h a d , be car eful . M a y b e if y o u d i d n ’t eat so m u c h
C a p ’n C r u n c h y o u w o u l d n ’t br e a k t he f u r n i t u r e . ”
“S h u t y o u r face, M a d d i e . ” H e kicks his legs o u t s t r a i g h t ,
l ooks at t he cei l i ng for a few m i n u t e s . G o e s i n t o o n e o f his t r a n c ­
es, t h e n r e t u r n s .
“ H o w a b o u t a story?
I offer. “ I ’ll tell y ou a s t o r y a b o u t
thi s hell hol e. A b o u t all t he o t h e r freaks in here. You j us t sit t he r e
a n d li st en a n d I ’ll t a l k . ”
“T h a t ’ll be a ni ce c h a n g e . ” C h a d never passes u p an o p ­
p o r t u n i t y l or s ar cas m.
I press t he b u t t o n to a d j u s t my be d so I can sit up. I he
m o t o r is s l ow a n d s o u n d s like a w h e e z i n g p a r r o t . P r i m e e q u i p -
162 Schuyler
ment.
F o r us, n o t h i n g b u t t h e b e s t . I p u n c h
my pillows i nt o
s h a p e . “ You w a n t m e t o tell y o u a s t o r y ? ’
H e rol l s hi s eyes. “ I ’m n o t g o n n a beg. '
“O K t h e n . C o m i n g right up.
1 l o o k d o w n at t h e fl oor ,
w h e r e a s i n g l e c r a c k s pl i t s t h e s u r f a c e f r o m t h e c o r n e r of m y b e d
1
t o t h e far wa l l . I b r e a t h e i n, a n d t h e c r a c k s e e m s t o b r e a t h e t o o ,
t o w i d e n a n d i n v i t e m e in. 1 h e n I b r e a t h e o u t in a r u s h a n d t h e
’
c r a c k s l i ms u p , c l o s i n g m e off. “ Ye a h , ” 1 b a r k . “ I g u e s s I ’ve g o t
n o t h i n g b e t t e r t o do . '
A n d 1 s t a r t t a l k i n g . I tell h i m a b o u t G i g i . A b o u t M i r a n d a
a n d J a n i c e . A b o u t Ms . M o o r e a n d M s . Hi l l . A b o u t t o w e l - c o v e r e d
m i r r o r s a n d pi gs o n p l a t t e r s a n d f l e s h - e a t i n g gi rl s. E v e n a b o u t
h o p e - f i l l e d I V b a gs , a n d a b o u t I V b a g s fi l l ed w i t h n o t h i n g at all.
E v e n t u a l l y C h a d falls a s l e e p in t h e c h a i r , hi s s h i r t s c r u n c h e d u p
t o reveal a sl i ce o f f l a b b y bel l y. T h e n u r s e c o m e s a n d w a k e s h i m
u p a n d says v i s i t i n g h o u r s a r e over . H e s t u m b l e s o u t . I h e n u r s e
l o o k s b a c k at m e o v e r h e r s h o u l d e r b e f o r e s h u t t i n g t h e d o o r , t h e
s i de o f h e r n e c k t r i p l i n g i n t o s o f t d i a g o n a l f ol ds .
A n d m e , I j u s t k e e p o n t a l k i n g . T o mys e l f . T o t h e c r a c k in
t h e fl oor. T o t h e r a i n t a p p i n g o n t h e w i n d o w . M a y b e t h e s e s t o r i e s
ar e t h e r e a s o n I ’m still h e r e . I ’m n o t e m p t y yet . T h e w o r d s k e e p
welling up and spilling out, my own bleating rhy th m , ne ve r-e nd­
i ng, l i ke wa v e s u n b u r d e n i n g a g a i n s t t h e s a n d . I c h a n t . I m u m b l e .
I h u m . M a y b e m y y o - y o is w h i r l i n g u p . O r m a y b e i t ’s s p i n n i n g
d o w n . U p o r d o w n . I t ’s a l wa y s a l i t t l e h a r d t o tell.
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