CREEK COUNSELING NEWS
Issue
3
33
SPRING NEWSLETTER
Counselors
Jean Sternke (Temporary until 5/4)
th
th
6 grade & A-D 7 grade
[email protected], x7007
M-Th 8-3pm
Helping Girls Cope with
Bullying and Frenemies
What to do when friendship is used
as a weapon
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passiveaggressive-diaries/201501/helping-girls-cope-bullying-andfrenemies
Post published by Signe Whitson L.S.W. on Jan 12,
2015 in Passive Aggressive Diaries
The world of little girls begins as such a lovely place.
Heart and rainbow doodles adorn notebook covers,
best friendships are formed within seconds, and bold,
exuberant voices carry squeals of carefree laughter and
brazen delight. Happiness is worn on a sleeve, and
anger is voiced with authentic candor.
Length-of-stay in this accepting, kindly world is timelimited for many girls, however. Seemingly overnight,
sweet sentiments like, "I love your dress," turn into
thinly-veiled criticisms such as, "Why are you wearing
that dress?" Yesterday's celebratory birthday party
becomes today's tool of exclusion, as guest lists are
used to enforce social hierarchies. Long before most
school programs begin anti-bullying campaigns,
young girls get a full education in social aggression.
What can adults do to help kids cope with inevitable
experiences of friendship conflict and bullying?
To Intervene or Not to Intervene?
Adults often struggle with the question of, "Should I
intervene in a child's friendship problems?" The line
between helicopter and hands-off can get confusing,
as adults waver between wanting to protect young
people from the pain of broken friendships and
believing that bullying is an inevitable rite of passage.
The bottom line is this; no child should have to find
her way through painful conflict alone. Kids need
Karena Doan
th
th
E-Z 7 grade & 8 grade
[email protected], x7005
M-F 8-4
IN THIS ISSUE
Helping Girls Cope with Bullying and
Frenemies – pg. 1 & 2
20 Ways to Support Your Child At School –
pg. 3 & 4
Positive Parenting Your Tween – pg. 5 & 6
adult support and insights when it comes to navigating
the choppy waters of friendship, disguised as a
weapon. Here are some fundamental ways parents can
help:
Teach Her to Know it When She Experiences It
One of the things that makes relational bullying so
insidious is its under-the-radar nature. It is things left
unsaid and invitations not given. It is unexplained cutoffs in friendship. It is silence. This type of bullying is
marked by crimes of omission that make it very hard
for girls to put their finger on what they are
experiencing in their friendships—yet the pain,
humiliation, and isolation are unmistakable.
Adults play a critical role in keeping an open dialogue
with young people and making them aware of the
typical behaviors that mark this cruel form of social
aggression. Knowledge is power; when girls know
what relational bullying looks and feels like, they are
better able to make a conscious choice to move away
from friends who use these behaviors.
Some of the most common bullying behaviors that
adults can make kids aware of include:
1. Excluding girls from parties and play dates
2. Talking about parties and play dates in front of girls
who are not invited
3. Mocking, teasing, and calling girls names
4. Giving girls the "silent treatment"
5. Threatening to take away friendship ("I won't be
your friend anymore if...")
6. Encouraging others to "gang up" on a girl you are
angry with
CREEK COUNSELING NEWS COUNSELING NEWS | Issue
7. Spreading rumors and starting gossip about a girl
8. "Forgetting" to save a seat for a friend or leaving a
girl out by "saving a seat" for someone else
9. Saying something mean and then following it with
"just joking" to try to avoid blame
10. Using cell phones and/or social media to gossip,
start rumors, say mean things, or forward
embarrassing posts and photos
Help Her Make Friends with her Anger
"Do not teach your children never to be angry;
teach them how to be angry." —Lyman Abbott
Anger is a normal, natural, human emotion. In fact, it
is one of the most basic of all human experiences. And
yet many girls, from a very early age, are bombarded
with the message that anger = bad. Young girls face
enormous social pressure to be "good" at all costs, a
standard that makes it difficult for young girls to stop
and say, "Hey. I don't like the way you are treating me
right now. I'm feeling angry about what you just
said/did/pretended not to do, and I'm not going to let
you treat me that way anymore."
Adults who teach their children how to be angry
effectively—by
role
modeling
assertive
communication skills and by accepting anger when it
is respectfully expressed—fortify girls with the
confidence to walk away from toxic friendships.
Encourage Her to Show Strength
As a social worker, I am all about teaching young
people that it is okay to feel sad, or hurt, or angry, and
that it is a good thing to talk about their emotions with
others. Yet, when it comes to facing off with a
frenemy, my best advice to caring adults is to teach
young girls how to show resolute strength. Mind you,
strength should not come in the form of physically or
verbally aggressive responses that up the ante and
escalate hostilities, but rather young people show
strength when they use humor to deflect a situation
and they stand up for themselves whenever their
feelings are disrespected. A simple "Knock it off," or
"Tell me when you get to the funny part" is a simple,
powerful signal that a girl will not allow herself to be
treated poorly.
As for the "talking about their emotions" part, adults
should make themselves available as a sounding board
for kids whenever possible. Kids need to have a safe
2
place to be vulnerable—to vent, to talk about their
friendship frustrations, and even to cry. Parents,
relatives, teachers, counselors, and other caring adults
are ideally suited to provide this safe place.
Teach Her to Know What She is Looking For
For school-aged children, friendships create a
powerful sense of belonging. We want our girls to feel
accepted and embraced by their peers—never to be
used as pawns in someone else's popularity game.
Fostering discussions and careful consideration of the
values involved in making and maintaining healthy
friendships is one of the most important things adults
can do to help girls choose friendships wisely.
Around the dinner table, after class, during carpool, or
anytime the mood is right, strike up a conversation (or,
better yet, a dozen ongoing dialogues) about the values
kids should look for in a real friendship. Make it into a
finish-the-sentence game with a starter like, A Real
Friend is Someone Who... Hopefully, the end of a
young girl's sentence will sound something like:
• Uses kind words
• Takes turns and cooperates
• Shares
• Uses words to tell me how she feels
• Helps me when I need it
• Compliments me
• Includes me
• Is always there for me
• Understands how I feel
• Cares about my opinions and feelings
• Stands up for me
• Is fun to be with
• Has a lot in common with me
When kids understand how a healthy friendship should
look and feel, they are best equipped to extricate
themselves from friendships that are toxic and
damaging.
The friendships that are so easily formed between girls
during their youngest years quickly become
complicated as early as the elementary school years.
Adults play the key role in teaching kids about healthy
friendships and supporting them through the inevitable
pains of toxic ones.
CREEK COUNSELING NEWS
Issue
3
33
20 Ways to Support Your Child and Their School
http://www.lawrencehallofscience.org/parents/20ways.html
Parents often ask how they can support their children's teachers in doing the best
job they can for their students. Here are 20 helpful ways in which you can show
your support.
1. Talk positively about the school experience. Even if your own school
memories were not always pleasant, you can help your child by emphasizing the
positive opportunity that school affords them. Rather than "You have to go to
school today," you might try "You get to go to school today."
2. Talk positively about teachers, education, and homework. Your positive
attitude can help your child develop a optimistic approach to school.
3. Show interest in what your child is learning. By asking questions and letting
your child share, you communicate that learning is important and stimulating.
Again, emphasize the positive. Rather than ask the standard "What did you do in
school today?" try some variations, such as, "What did you do that you really
liked?"; "What did you feel good about?"; "What would you like to learn more
about?"; "What are you reading?"
4. Continue learning. Your child sees you as a model for many things. If you continue to expand your own
knowledge and skills by reading or perhaps even taking a course, your child sees the value in learning.
5. Let your child teach you. As someone once said, "To teach is to learn twice." You can strengthen your child's
learning by letting her explain new concepts to you.
6. Help your child find ways to apply their learning to everyday life. The more practical information seems to
be, the more motivated your child will be to tackle new material.
7. Avoid the grade trap. While grades are useful to assess how much your child is learning, the goal is the
learning, not the grades. Avoid the trap of making grades a competition. Help your child learn to relax and enjoy
learning without the pressure to compete.
8. Avoid comparing your child's grades with others. Such comparisons are almost always counterproductive.
It's much better to compare your child's grades with their own grades from the previous report card. "Where have
you improved?" "Where do you want to improve more?" "How will you accomplish this?" "How can I help?"
9. Develop realistic expectations for your child. Encourage your child to do
the best they can in school, keeping in mind that children will naturally do
better in some areas than in others. Also keep in mind that your child is special
because of who they is, not how they performs.
10. Provide a quiet place and time for homework. Most students do best with
a regular study time on which they've agreed with their parents. Having a
special place for homework, whether it's a quiet desk in their own rooms or at
the kitchen table, helps build a routine and an atmosphere conducive to work.
This can't be accomplished in front of the TV.
11. Go over your child's work with her. Going over homework and the papers
your child brings home, showing an interest in what your child is doing, gives
you an opportunity to encourage her work and to notice if they are having
trouble. It also shows that you value their schooling.
12. Be a homework consultant, not a tutor. Homework is your child's work, not yours. We recommend that you
not sit by your child to make sure everything's answered correctly; mistakes on homework are one way your child's
teacher learns what concepts need more explanation. Instead, act as a consultant, available to offer support and
help when your child asks.
13. Encourage your child to read at home. Reading is the cornerstone of much learning. The more your child
practices this essential skill, the better he'll do in all his subjects. To keep him motivated and enjoying reading, let
CREEK COUNSELING NEWS COUNSELING NEWS | Issue
your child choose what he wants to read. Easy books, magazines or even comic books, as a last resort; anything but
material that's "not for children" should be encouraged.
14. Develop a consistent and effective discipline plan. Using parenting methods that teach your child
responsibility, cooperation, and self-confidence will also help your child do well in the classroom. You can avoid
being too strict or too lax by taking a parent-education course or reading some recommended books.
15. Support the school's discipline plan. A school, like a family, must maintain a certain level of order and
structure so that all our children can feel safe and able to learn. If your child is disciplined at school, please help
your child learn from the experience by backing up the school at home. If you have a problem with the plan, please
bring it up with the administration.
16. Check out disturbing reports. Teachers, like parents and students, are not
perfect. They can make mistakes. However if your child shares with you
something her teacher did that she felt was grossly unfair or unkind, listen
respectfully but don't assume it was as bad as it sounds. Children sometimes
exaggerate when their feelings are hurt. If you're disturbed by the situation, call
the teacher and check it out by expressing concern rather than anger or hostility.
Keep an open mind.
17. Bring a solution as well as a problem. If you have a concern or see a
problem you think needs correcting, and you bring it to the attention of your child's teacher, also bring a supportive
attitude and an idea for a solution. This will help build a cooperative, problem-solving relationship.
18. Be careful about misinformation and gossip. The school "grapevine" can produce a lot of useful information,
but it can also become a version of the old game "telephone," where messages become more and more distorted.
You can show your support by checking out such information with your child's teacher or the administration.
Please call ahead to set up a meeting rather than dropping by for a "quick conference." Your concerns are
important to the school and deserve not to be rushed.
19. Go to class meetings when invited. These meetings not only provide you with important information, but
your attendance communicates to your child that she and the school are important and to the school, that your child
is important to you.
20. Let the school know what's going on at home. When families go through extra stress such as illness, death,
or divorce, it can affect children the most. Please let your child's teacher know about such circumstances. She can
often help. In addition, informing the teacher will alert her to possible changes in your child's behavior.
Parent Night
Tuesday, May 5th at 7pm at
Creekside.
Topic: Supporting Your
Student’s Organization
with Michael Charrier, MFT
4
CREEK COUNSELING NEWS COUNSELING NEWS | Issue
5
Positive Parenting Your Tween
From: http://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/tweens/positive-discipline-preteen
Parenting preteens, or tweens, can be a challenge.
Discipline, school, homework, time with family -everything is renegotiated. Hormones kick in as
puberty approaches, and the pressures of the peer
group magnify. Many moms and dads react to their
tween's moodiness, focus outside the family,
increasing independence and maturing physical body
by distancing somewhat from their child. But tweens
need to feel they have a secure nest as they launch
themselves into the exciting but scary world. Kids who
feel disconnected from their parents lose their anchor
and look for it in their peer group.
The only way to make it through the tween years with
a firm foundation for the teen years to come is to
fiercely maintain a strong bond with your child, even
while you encourage age-appropriate freedom. In fact,
much like the toddler years, parents are the ones who
determine whether the tween years are turbulent or
terrific. How?
1. Stay connected
by having dinner together every night, or as often as
possible. Kids who have dinner with their parents do
better in school, are less likely to use drugs or alcohol,
are less likely to have sex while in high school, and
are less likely to experience depression or anxiety.
Check in with your tween every single day by
spending some private time together; many parents
find that fifteen minutes at bedtime is grounding and
most intimate. But car rides run a close second,
probably because kids feel less threatened when you
aren't looking right at them. Establish a rule of no
ipods or smart phones in the car so you can use that
time to connect with your child. (And of course that
rule applies to you also!)
Schedule regular longer alone-time with each parent,
such as monthly brunch with Dad or weekly walks
with Mom. Don't expect your son or daughter to invite
closeness or volunteer vulnerable emotions at each
interaction, or when you expect it. But if you set up
enough regular opportunities to be together, it will
happen.
2. To reduce rebelliousness, recognize and work
with your tween’s need for independence.
Be aware that as we feel less powerful as parents we
often compensate by becoming overprotective.
Instead of breathing down his neck, agree on and
enforce standards. Set reasonable limits (no phone
calls during dinner and after 9pm, no online chatting
or TV until homework is finished) and be sure to offer
empathy when they hate your limits. It’s their job to
test limits, and yours to set limits based on your
values.
3. Re-think your previous ideas about discipline.
Power-based punishment strategies stop working as
soon as your child gets big enough to say "You can't
make me." Even consequences will only work a short
time longer, because many teens simply refuse them.
You never win a power struggle with your child. The
only leverage we really have with our tweens and
teens is their love for us, which becomes a more
potent motivator over time. That means the best way
to get your tween to follow your rules is to maintain a
strong bond with him.
4. Don’t underestimate hormones.
Your child’s body is changing, creating mood swings,
distractibility, competitiveness, and preoccupation with
the opposite sex. What's more, their brains are
undergoing an extensive re-wiring, which can make
them emotionally volatile. Tweens can even find
themselves in a full-blown tantrum without
understanding how it happened. Kindly tell your
tantrumming preteen that you see how upset they are
and you want to give them time to pull themselves
together before you discuss it. Ask them if they want
you to stay, or to leave the room to let everyone calm
down. Your preteen doesn't understand his or her
moods any more than you do right now. Later, give
them a big hug, and really listen to what they have to
say. Even if you can't agree with their position,
acknowledge your child's perspective, and work to
find a win/win solution.
5. Don't take it personally!
When your tween yells at you to drop dead, don’t
over-react. When they hurt your feelings and you're
tempted to withdraw, take a deep breath and stand
your ground calmly. That doesn't mean you don't
kindly demand civility, and it doesn't mean you can't
use strategic withdrawals as a chance to regroup, but
that you continue to reinforce your love for and
connection to your child. Your best way to get your
tween to act respectfully towards you is to extend
respect to her, and to calmly insist on it in return.
6. The tween years are the perfect time to teach
values
...which is best done not by lecturing, but by asking
questions. To get your child talking, become a brilliant
listener, empathizer, and question asker. Tweens are
CREEK COUNSELING NEWS COUNSELING NEWS | Issue
usually curious about your own early years, those can
be great opportunities to reassure them that even
their parents were insecure, as all tweens are. It’s
also an opportunity to teach; don’t be afraid to share
real life examples of teens who died from drinking and
driving, or became addicted to drugs. It’s best,
though, if stories about your own life set a positive,
rather than negative example, such as having been
insecure but struggled and overcome obstacles -- and
now you're lucky enough to be your child's parent!
7. Be aware that the more popular culture your
child is exposed to, the more risk she runs
...of drug and alcohol use, depression and teen
pregnancy. Tweens want to feel grown up, so
naturally they ape adult popular culture. Yes, they
have to fit in with their friends, but they count on their
parents to keep them safe and let them know what’s
age appropriate. They aren’t ready for the attention
they get when they wear revealing fashions or sing
that inappropriate song at the recital. They need you
to enforce strict rules regarding internet use and what
movies are appropriate. Tweens want and need your
guidance, even if they can’t show it.
8. Tweens are actively shaping their identity.
Support their experimenting and exploring, even when
they’re into a new fad every few weeks. Don’t
comment on their fashions as long as their body
coverage is appropriate, and keep an open mind
about their music. Especially support the deep
passions into which they really pour themselves;
those are protective during the tween and teen years.
9. Stay aware of your tween’s schoolwork
...offering help as necessary in developing time
management skills, insuring that homework gets done
and big projects are worked on over time. Be aware
that how hard your tween works at school will depend
on whether his peers do, and try to have him attend a
school where the kids consider good grades cool.
Maintaining high expectations and insuring that
homework doesn't get neglected in favor of evening
screen and social time is critical.
10. Teach your tween good physical selfmanagement:
at least nine hours of sleep every night, regular
protein and low glycemic snacks, regular exercise.
6
Instilling these habits can take real creativity on the
part of parents, but they greatly reduce moodiness
and you’ll be happy they’re well-established when
your child hits the teen years.
11. Don't be surprised if your preteen son or
daughter develops some anxiety or dependency.
It's not at all unusual for preteens to get scared by all
the changes in their bodies, the peer pressures to
grow up, or the fear of separating from mom and dad.
This is most often expressed as separation or sleep
anxiety, and if you empathize and let them cling to
you a bit, will not last long.
12. Be aware of the special needs of your son or
daughter as they grow into adults in a culture that
perpetuates unhealthy attitudes about men,
women, and sexuality.
Girls will need your help handling media images of
women, cultural expectations about attractiveness,
the pressure to be sexy, her relationship with food,
and her body. Remember that girls naturally fill out
before they shoot up, and be careful not to impose
society's insistence that only thin is attractive. Notice
any issues you have as her body blossoms. Be aware
of the research showing that most tween girls are very
anxious about the bodily changes ahead and the
sense they have from the media that becoming a
woman puts them in danger from men. Girls
particularly need their fathers to continue offering
physical hugs and open admiration for what a
beautiful daughter they have, in an atmosphere of
total safety and appropriate boundaries.
Boys need help integrating their sense of connection,
tenderness and vulnerability -- which are a part of all
human relationships -- with societal images of
manliness. It's normal for boys approaching their teen
years to act cool, indifferent, and invulnerable with
their peers, even when they're actually highly
sensitive kids. A responsible, affectionate father or
uncle can be a critical teacher as a tween boy learns
how to be a good man -- while fitting in with the guys.
And mom needs to keep warmly talking and listening
with her son about his interests and experiences,
while staying aware that he needs to see himself as
competent and independent in solving his own
problems.