Does your teen’s drug use leave you
feeling like you’re losing your sanity?
OTHER TITLES
Create It
Teaching your children to talk
about their feelings
How can I help my young child
learn to get along with others?
If you’re a parent, you’re a role
model: How to teach your
children by example
Nurture It
How can I teach my young child
to deal with peer pressure?
Teaching your children the truth
about drugs and gambling
How can I help my young child
to be more confident?
YOUR TEEN IS USING alcohol or other drugs in a way that has you really concerned.
You may be scared and worried and you are probably feeling very frustrated, too.
Attempts to talk to your son or daughter
might result in arguments and each of you
saying things you probably wish you hadn’t
said. It can seem like no matter what you
try, it’s not the right thing. Sometimes it’s
like the more you try to help your teen
the worse things seem to get. Often,
the harder you try to make your teen
see the problem, the more they resist.
How to listen actively to
your children
Choose It
How can I help my child if
my partner is addicted?
Helping your teen work
through anger
The truth about popular drugs
How do I know if my teen
is using drugs?
How do I talk to my teenager
about drugs?
Raves and club drugs:
How do I protect my kids?
Get It Back
Helping teens evaluate their
drug use
How bad is my teen’s drinking
or drug use?
Does your teen’s drug use leave
you feeling like you’re losing
your sanity?
How to get through to your teen
Intervening when your teen
is using drugs
Getting help for your son or
daughter who is drinking,
using other drugs or gambling
Support is available
An Alberta Health Services (AHS) addiction
counsellor can talk with you about your
situation and your concerns about your
teen. We are also here for you. Responding
to someone else’s problem is hard work.
When it feels like your life is out of control,
we can help you to get it back. We’ll teach
you how to feel better yourself and we’ll
also help you to learn some ways of getting
through to your son or daughter. There are
no quick and easy answers, but we’ll help
you look at the options and choose the
approach that will work best for you. In a
sense, when it feels like you have reached
the end of your rope, we can help you tie
a knot and hang on! You can talk to us on
the telephone, visit one of our counsellors,
or even attend a program especially for
family members.
This brochure will also give you some ideas
for things to do on your own.
Supporting your son or
daughter in recovery
Some things you can do
If you’ve been dealing with your teen’s
alcohol or drug use for a long time, you
are probably feeling tired. It’s time to take
a step back and learn to sort out the things
you can do from the things that are not
within your power and control. For example,
you can keep talking to your teen, but you
can’t make them stop using if they don’t
want to.
That doesn’t mean you should give up on
your teen. But fight the battles you can
win. Learn everything you can about
the drugs your kid is using. Learn the truth
about alcohol and other drugs—that might
take away some of the fear. Not everyone
who uses drugs gets hooked. Not everybody
who tries drugs continues to use. Learn
how to talk to your teen so they will listen.
Learn how to listen to your teen so they will
continue to talk with you. A counsellor can
help by teaching you how to talk to your
kids about alcohol and other drug use.
People you can talk to
It’s so important to realize that you are
not alone! Other parents have been where
you are and many, many more are in the
same place right now. There is strength in
numbers—you can learn from each other.
Support groups like Al-Anon and Nar-Anon
have helped thousands of people just like
you. They are independent fellowships
of men and women who have a common
problem and meet to help each other recover
from it. Privacy is important to them, too,
and participation is anonymous.
Right now, you might be feeling confused
and overwhelmed with everything that is
going on in your life. When you are ready,
take the time to learn about support groups
and how they work.
If you are interested in attending a support
group, a counsellor can give you more
information or you can look up Al-Anon
or Nar-Anon in your telephone book. Call the number listed
and a member will tell you all about the group and how
to find a meeting in your area.
Your friends and family can also offer support. Keep the lines
of communication open. Often, others know more about your
situation than you think they know. Friends and family can
listen when you need to talk.
Your teen’s use can also affect your family
It’s likely that your family and even your relationship with your
spouse are also being affected by your teen’s use. When your
teen doesn’t come home or comes home drunk or stoned, that
behaviour affects your whole family. Or maybe it’s the extreme
moods that affect everybody else in the house—the blow-ups,
angry outbursts or total withdrawal from the family.
Talk to each other about how you are feeling. Suffering
in silence just leaves every family member feeling confused
and alone.
Start focusing on yourself and your family again. You didn’t
cause your teen’s drinking or drug problem and you can’t
control it either. Sitting at home worrying is not helping
anyone. Start doing the things that you enjoy again. Get out,
spend time with friends and take your life back.
When your teen’s behaviour affects the health and well-being
of other members of the family, you may also want to establish
some boundaries about what you are willing to accept from
your teen and what you are not. When it comes to making
the rules, only you know how much you are willing to put up
with. Nobody else can tell you what feels right for you.
However, talking with others in similar situations can help.
Listening to other ideas helps you to explore options and
alternatives for setting rules that you are comfortable with.
Knowing what doesn’t work
It’s also important to stop doing the things for your son
or daughter that help the use to continue. This is called
enabling. Some examples of enabling behaviour are covering
up for your son or daughter, tolerating their unacceptable
behaviour, bailing them out of the troubles they experience
or simply ignoring the problem. These things are almost always
done with the best of intentions—it’s just that they produce
the wrong results! When you wonder if what you are about to
do is enabling, ask yourself, “Is what I am about to do going
to make the situation worse or better?” If it will make it worse,
try not to do it.
The following examples will explain enabling but it can take a
little time to really understand it. Don’t expect yourself to be
perfect—when you make a mistake, view it as an opportunity
to do it differently next time.
As a parent, it’s natural to want to protect and help your
children. When they make a mistake, you want to help them
put it behind them and move on. When your son or daughter
has an alcohol or other drug problem, you might also feel like
you want to make excuses for them. Making excuses for your
son or daughter just allows the problem to continue. Let them
take responsibility for their own actions and answer for their
own behaviour.
You might also want to downplay the problem, especially
to others. That’s pretty usual, too. Most parents don’t want
to think of their children as being in trouble. Rationalizing
or minimizing your teen’s drug use isn’t helpful either. Saying
things like, “He’s just a normal teenager,” or, “She’s no worse
off than her friends,” is another way of staying stuck for
both you and your teen. Do look at things honestly and
realistically. If there is a problem, acknowledge it so that
you can start dealing with it.
It may even seem important to you to keep the problem
private and to deal with it within the family. Covering up
the problem just helps it to stay hidden. Talk to your spouse,
children, family and others about your teen’s problem when
you want to.
Giving your teen money might seem like it will make one
problem go away. And it might. But it also keeps them from
experiencing the consequences of their behaviour. Until they
have to face the consequences of their actions, it is hard for
them to see the problem. Let them resolve their own money
problems.
If you’ve been providing money with the best of intentions,
don’t judge yourself too harshly. Now that you know providing
money isn’t helpful, you can choose whether or not you
continue to do it.
It can be so hard to accept that your children have a problem.
Sometimes it’s just easier to hope the problem will go away
on its own or that it will work itself out. But ignoring the
problem only helps it to continue. Let your son or daughter
know that you are concerned about them. Continue to express
how you feel as a result of their actions. For example, you
might say, “I feel really worried and concerned when you
don’t come home at night. I’m scared that something has
happened to you.”
There is a fine line, sometimes, between enabling and nonenabling behaviour. If your teen calls from a party because
they or the person they are with is too loaded to drive, make
an exception. Pick them up or make arrangements for them to
get home safely. When you ask yourself, “Is what I am about
to do going to make the situation worse or better?” you can
see that picking up your teen will make it better by removing
an even worse risk. So do it.
For more information
We understand that everyone’s needs are different. Whether
you want to prevent your child from using alcohol, tobacco or
other drugs, or you want to help your child deal with a drug
problem, we can help. Information and prevention programs,
group and family counselling, outpatient and residential
treatment, and the Protection of Children Abusing Drugs
program are offered by Alberta Health Services and its
funded services to help your child and your family.
For more information and to find an addiction services office
near you, please call the 24-hour Helpline at 1-866-332-2322.
Activity Page
Treat yourself kindly
Reduce feelings of guilt
Parents often feel very guilty when they set boundaries or
reduce enabling behaviour. It can feel like they are not doing
all they can for their child. One of the most important things
you can do for yourself is to recognize that you can still love
and support your kids but not support the drinking or other
drug use. Tell your children that you love them. Make it clear
that it’s their behaviour that you can’t support. Let your
teens know that you will support them in getting help and
encourage them to consider accepting it.
Do the things that make you feel better
Become knowledgeable
What you’re going through can feel pretty frightening.
Knowledge reduces fear by increasing understanding. Read
books, watch videos, attend courses. Many AHS offices
have libraries full of materials that you can borrow. Remember
to learn slowly so that you don’t become overwhelmed.
The problem didn’t happen overnight and it won’t resolve
that quickly either.
Take good care of yourself
Consider calling a counsellor to learn more about how you are
being affected by your teen’s use. Awareness is the first step
in changing behaviour that is not working for you. Remember
you can’t control your teen’s use but you can control your
reaction to it. Taking care of yourself might help you to react
more calmly and it will definitely help you feel better.
You know yourself best. When you feel down and troubled,
you are the expert about what helps you to feel better. When
you feel tired and overwhelmed, you know what works to
refresh you. You have dealt successfully with disappointments
and frustrations before. You’ve learned healthy ways of coping
with stress and anxiety. Make a list of all the things that are
helpful to you. Then do them.
Take time for yourself
Loving someone with an alcohol or other drug problem can
be hard—take time out just for you. Do those healthy things
that you enjoy. Go for a walk. Take a hot bath. Read the
paper. See a movie.
Keep talking and stay connected
Sometimes when parents feel powerless to change their
children, they feel ashamed or embarrassed. As a result,
they isolate themselves from others to avoid these feelings.
You didn’t cause your teen’s problem and it’s not your fault.
It’s important to spend time with others and to talk about
your feelings. Friends and family can offer a listening ear,
support and encouragement. They can also help you to enjoy
a much-needed break from the problem.
For more information and to find an addiction services office near you, please call the 24-hour Helpline at 1-866-332-2322.
© AHS 2009
503C
ISBN 0-7785-2765-4