couples in making positive, proactive choices that will
assist dating and engaged couples in discerning and
establishing an effective pathway to a marriage that
will bring them long-lasting joy and spiritual growth.
The Wisdom of Church
The Catholic faith calls all people to foster the virtue
of chastity throughout their lives. In practice, this
means developing self-mastery over the expression of
our sexual passions, both inside and outside of marriage.
Because of the natural, intrinsic meaning of sex, marriage
is the only relationship in which sexual intercourse
retains the fullness of its purpose and meaning as a
freely given, total, faithful and fruitful gift of self.
“Sexuality, in which man’s belonging to the bodily
and biological world is expressed, becomes personal
and truly human when it is integrated into the
relationship of one person to another, in the complete
and lifelong mutual gift of a man and a woman.”
(Catechism of the Catholic Church {CCC}, #2337)
In order to enjoy the most fulfilling and sacramentally
effective marriage as possible, dating and engaged couples
are called to refrain from sexual intercourse until they
have made the same commitment in words that the
body speaks in love making, that is, the wedding vows.
“Those who are engaged to marry are called to live
chastity in continence. They should see in this time of
testing a discovery of mutual respect, an apprenticeship
in fidelity, and the hope of receiving one another from
God. They should reserve for marriage the expressions
of affection that belong to married love. They will
help each other grow in chastity.” (CCC, #2350)
It is well understood that human nature and human
relationships are complex and that therefore it will not
always be easy to be chaste, to be faithful and sexually
appropriate to one’s state in life. In such times, strength can
be gained from knowledge of God’s love, understanding and
compassion, together with a prayerful and sacramental life.
Credit
Byron (BSc. Hons, PhD) and
Francine (BSc. Hons, MA) Pirola
are members of the Australian Catholic Marriage and
Family Council. They are also the authors of the SmartLoving
series (www.smartloving.org), and the co-authors
and Australian founders of Celebrate Love (for married
couples) and Embrace (for engaged couples).
Adult Faith Formation Series
Diocese of Broken Bay, 423 Pennant Hills Road,
Pennant Hills, NSW 2120
PO Box 340 Pennant Hills NSW 1715
Phone: (02) 9847 0000
Fax: (02) 9847 0001
www.dbb.org.au
© Catholic Diocese of Broken Bay 2012
Making Sense
of Cohabitation
The Language of Love
Catholic marriage is a freely given, total, unconditional
commitment, faithful and open to children. The wedding
vows express this explicit commitment in words. What
many do not appreciate is that the words of the vows
are expressed and renewed through the body language
of sexual intercourse. Every time a couple make love,
they are literally renewing the vows of their wedding.
It is a sacred body language that powerfully bonds the
couple. Sex says with the body “I freely give myself to
you, totally, completely. I hold nothing back. And I
accept you completely. I want to be one with you, in
body and soul. And our children will be the fruit of our
union, the literal embodiment of our one flesh union”.
This sacred message of sex is the intrinsic language of
the body; it cannot mean one thing today and something
else tomorrow. By its very nature it is the natural and
enduring expression of total self-giving. Just as a smile is
body language that expresses warmth, affection and good
will, if a person uses a smile to mislead or misrepresent
their true feelings, it undermines the power of a smile
to ‘speak’ sincerely of this good will. The smile of that
person becomes untrustworthy. Similarly, the natural
meaning and expression of sex is total, faithful and
fruitful self-giving. When the body language of sex is
used outside of marriage to mean limited, non-exclusive
or unfruitful self-indulgence, its power to bond the
couple in life-giving union is diminished and its message
becomes untrustworthy. Couples who preserve sex for
marriage increase its spiritual and emotional power by
maintaining the sincerity of their body language.
Cohabitation Consequences
While most people generally believe that a period of
cohabitation before marriage is a wise and prudent
decision to ascertain compatibility, the practice actually
increases the likelihood of divorce by around 50%.
Here are some reasons why cohabitation actually
undermines the success of a future marriage.
1. Weakens Partner Choice. Barriers to entry are much
lower for cohabitation than marriage. Couples therefore
tend to be less discriminating in their choice of partner
as, after all, “it’s not as if we’re getting married”.
This may explain why domestic violence, alcohol
abuse and relationship breakdown is higher among
cohabitating couples than in their married equivalents.
2. Defers Making a Decision. Couples who live together,
and therefore establish a domestic, sexual relationship,
tend to delay the decision to marry. As they are already
living a ‘married’ life-style, the urgency to make a
decision about marriage is lessened and many couples
get caught in this transitional state for prolonged
periods. This situation is particularly disadvantageous
to women whose ‘window of opportunity’ to
begin a family is more limited than men.
3. Weakens the Conviction to Marry. As couples become
more involved, their living arrangements become
increasingly entangled. Shared possessions, friends,
pets and memories become the glue that holds them
together. It’s a process called ‘Commitment Creep’
and it reduces the couple’s freedom to make a free
decision to marry. Often, without ever consciously
deciding to make a permanent commitment, they find
themselves reluctant to break-up for the simple reason
that unravelling their shared life is so complicated.
The decision to marry shifts from being a proactive,
positive choice to a negative aversion to the pain
and bother of breaking up. Subsequently, one or
both partners may be ambivalent about the decision
to marry making their commitment fragile.
4. Commitment Discrepancy. There are diverse reasons
for couples choosing to live together. Some are already
engaged to be married. Others are in committed
relationships and see it as a natural progression
of the dating-courtship sequence. Still others are
simply dating partners seeking to save money on
rent. Some have no intention of marrying and view
cohabitation as a permanent alternative to marriage.
As cohabitation has so many different forms and
end points, it is common for there to be differences
in the expectations and level of commitment
of the partners. One partner may see moving in
together as a way of progressing the relationship ‘to
the next level’ while the other sees it as a ‘friends
with benefits’ arrangement while he/she keeps
their options open for a possible better partner.
Such differences may lead to confusion, hurt and
tension, that can persist into the future marriage.
5. The Trial Marriage Myth. By definition,
cohabitation is a limited, conditional commitment.
It is an arrangement which is understood to be
putting the relationship to the test. Partners wisely
enter the arrangement cautiously, withholding
themselves and safeguarding their independence.
They will rightly seek to protect their interests
and to maintain a measure of financial freedom.
Such self-protective behaviours become ‘the
norm’ leading couples to establish permanent
patterns of limited trust and involvement,
rather than the complete trust and total selfgiving of marriage. A wedding some years later is
generally not sufficient to reset these patterns.
Counter Cultural Choices
It is with the best intentions that many enter
cohabitation as a way to ‘divorce proof’ their future
marriage. However, without the full scale lifecommitment that is by definition what marriage is, one
cannot effectively ‘trial’ a marriage without actually
getting married. Couples who sincerely desire to
give their marriage the best possible opportunity for
success will be better served by resisting the cultural
norm of cohabitation and pre-marital sex. There are
many excellent resources and services that support