The Disengaging Essay
In a “normal” family, there are two parents. Each has a clear sphere of
influence, and each has a certain amount of innate authority granted to
them simply for birthing/raising a kid: being there and being present.
In a “normal” family, love and discipline are doled out in equal measure by
each parent. Sometimes Dad loses his patience, other times he helps me
fix up my bike. Sometimes Mom gives me a big hug, other times she sends
me to my room. Everything’s pretty balanced. There are ups and downs,
but kids learn the rhythms. Dancing along to the beat of the moment is no
biggie.
Then comes the upheaval of divorce, which throws every single
established family dynamic straight out the window. There are angry
accusations, hurt feelings, adjustments to a new reality for kids and
parents alike.
Out of all these mixed emotions, though, what divorced parents feel most
of all is guilt. So, they stop parenting in an equitable way. Rules go out the
window, especially in the case of an uneven custody split, where one
parent sees the child far less often. (Who wants to waste time on a bunch
of rules when you only see your kids every other weekend?)
Then, one day, the parent develops a relationship with someone new: the
stepparent.
The Disengaging Essay www.FillingYourNiche.com 2 The stepparent, as an outsider, can see all kinds of parenting gaps in the
lives of these children of divorce—things that the biological parent has long
since glossed over or maybe never realized in the first place. And
stepparents also see all the special gifts our stepkids have, gifts that are
getting lost in or destroyed by these parenting gaps.
Since we stepparents view ourselves as responsible adults, we think
it’s our job to step in and help make things better. After all, we want
our stepkids to grow into the best possible versions of themselves. To this
end, we’re happy to help take over parenting duties the other parent has
missed or forgotten or doesn’t think are important. Little things, like
enforcing table manners or bedtimes. This shouldn’t be a big deal, right?
Except it is.
As stepparents, we lack the bonding with our stepkids that would give us
the authority in their eyes to take over any parenting-type duties. We’re too
new. We’re virtual strangers, even if we’ve already been around a year or
two. We need a recommendation to get into the club—a sponsor.
In a divorced family, the bio parent and the kids form their own team. A
stepparent enters the game as the lone wolf outsider, not belonging
anywhere. Parent, stepparent, and kids all need to realize that the name of
the new game is Blended Family, and everyone plays an equal part.
The only way to become part of the family and be granted authoritarian
status is through an endorsement by the biological parent, our partner. Our
partner needs to demonstrate that we’re an important part of their lives,
worthy of their kids' respect.
The Disengaging Essay www.FillingYourNiche.com 3 When a partner doesn’t give us support in an active way, they’re
giving their kids permission to ignore us, dismiss us, or reject us.
Our partners need to repeatedly and consistently show by speech and
action that we matter, step in each time there’s an issue, and maintain a
united front.
Yet even without this support, our goals as stepparents remain the same:
we want to contribute, we want to help with the kids, we want to give our
partner a break, we want our homes to be less chaotic or look more like
the family we always envisioned. So we keep trying to organize chores,
enforce rules, all those totally non-fun but necessary things that keep a
household running. And the stepkids become more resentful of these
unwelcome changes, especially if our partners aren’t backing us up.
We feel increasingly isolated, overburdened, stressed out, and
disrespected. We complain to our partners. Maybe we get support behind
closed doors, but it’s not followed through in real life. Or maybe we’re
accused of criticizing the stepkids or our partner’s parenting skills. Which,
for the record, really isn’t what we’re saying at all—although we can see
how it could come off like that.
This miscommunication isn’t anyone’s fault. After all, biological parents
never had to back up the other parent every single time in a “normal”
marriage. Having to act differently in a blended family doesn’t even occur
to them. They’re still parenting the same way they always have, and that
always worked just fine before the stepparent came along—so clearly, the
problem is us. We are the wicked stepparents.
The Disengaging Essay www.FillingYourNiche.com 4 The more we talk to our partners about how to make things better at home,
the more convinced they become that we are the worst parent figures ever.
Everything was just hunky dory before we came into the picture. We must
be at fault. We’re overreacting. Our partners defend their kids’ behavior,
further reinforcing an “existing family” vs. “outsider” mentality.
And how do the kids feel in all this? Well, they knew their expected place
pre-divorce, and have adjusted (pretty much) to their new roles postdivorce. A stepparent messes that up completely. While there might be a
honeymoon period when a stepkid thinks a stepparent seems kinda cool,
once everyone’s settled into the everyday business of living life, it’s time for
kids to start testing boundaries.
Totally normal, by the way. Kids test boundaries with their bio parents too.
With a bio parent, though, that love/discipline bond is already fully
developed. Plus, kids want their parent’s approval—a random virtual
stranger, not so much.
Kids have a limited amount of life experience with which to make
decisions. A stepparent is an unknown factor they haven’t run into before.
They don’t know how to handle the situation or how to act toward the
stepparent. So, the kids look to their bio parent for guidance. Can I talk
back to my stepmom, or will Dad get mad? Can I ignore my stepdad, or will
Mom speak up? When the lady my dad is dating brings me stuff, do I have
to say thank you?
Any poor behavior the kids can get away with that’s not immediately
redirected by the bio parent will continue and worsen.
The Disengaging Essay www.FillingYourNiche.com 5 The kids feel they’ve received unspoken permission to defy this new
person in their lives. And the bio parent doesn’t see the problem; they only
see the stepparent complaining about the kids’ behavior. Everyone gets
angrier and more frustrated. Bitterness enters.
The kids end up with way too much power. The stepparent ends up feeling
infuriated at the very presence of these tiny dictators. The bio parent feels
exasperated that this person who was supposed to help create a new
blended family dynamic has instead made everything more difficult.
Meanwhile, we stepparents are still in the daily trenches, whether that’s as
a provider or an at-home parent or something in between. We’re still
buying groceries, helping around the house, chauffeuring kids, supervising
homework and piano practice. Every day, we work hard to fulfill our dream
of what our family should and could be.
And every day, our partners let those dang kids get away with murder. We
feel like we’re getting scraped off the bottom of a shoe by this so-called
family we’re making incredible sacrifices for—a family that still treats us
like unwelcome interlopers.
We’re angry, we feel unappreciated, we wonder what we’re even doing
here. And it’s been like this for years.
Now it’s time to disengage from
your stepkids.
The Disengaging Essay www.FillingYourNiche.com 6 Disengaging from your stepkids means accepting several hard truths:
• Your stepkids aren’t your children.
• You’re not responsible for raising your stepkids.
• You’re not responsible for helping your stepkids overcome their
biological parenting.
• You’re not responsible for the type of adults your stepkids become.
• You need to stop setting expectations.
• You need to stop creating and/or enforcing household rules.
• You need to stop disciplining.
You need to stop parenting your stepkids.
And your partner needs to start parenting them.
All of those responsibilities belong to your partner, who is not going to
parent their kids the way you’d prefer. Your stepkids aren’t going to turn
out as awesome as they would if your partner supported you. And you
have to learn to accept that.
Disengaging from your stepkids means turning over all the parenting
responsibilities to the biological parent, including letting them make
mistakes. Will this make life a little more inconvenient for everyone
involved? Yep. But compare that to the constant friction and mental stress
and stone cold misery you’re going through right now. That the entire
household is going through. Suddenly a little inconvenience doesn’t seem
so bad.
The Disengaging Essay www.FillingYourNiche.com 7 Before you disengage from your stepkids, though, you need to let everyone
know what’s happening. Set up a family meeting. Sit everyone down.
Deliver this speech:
“Everyone is unhappy. Our home is miserable. I’m frustrated and
angry with you and the kids; you and the kids are frustrated and
angry with me. Something needs to change, and I’ve decided it’s
going to be me.
I will no longer [list the things you’re responsible for
currently: packing lunches, childcare, school runs, whatever]. I am
no longer going to do anything that gives anyone the opportunity to
respond with ingratitude or disrespect. In the future, if you kids need
anything, you must ask your parent. I will no longer take
responsibility, because trying to do so has only made everything a
disaster.
My hope in doing this is that we get along better, and the only way I
know how to do that is by letting your parent be the one who parents
you.”
Now. Does this mean you’re giving up your position in the household?
Nope. It means you’re picking your battles, and your battles are now
going to be limited to those things that affect only you.
The Disengaging Essay www.FillingYourNiche.com 8 For example, if one of your issues is the kids not cleaning up after
themselves, you’re well within your rights to say: “From now on, I expect
everyone to take their things to their rooms by bedtime. I’ll no longer ask
you to do this because I don’t want to argue, but anything left out after 9:00
pm is getting given away.” That’s it. No discussion. Just take care of
business. If it’s important to your partner that their kids’ stuff doesn’t get
dropped off at Goodwill, then your partner will have to enforce the rule.
Or: “If you don’t do the dishes on your scheduled dishes night, I won’t set a
place for you at dinner the following night.” That’s it. No discussion. Just
take care of business. Again, if it’s important to your partner that their kids
eat with the rest of the family, they’ll make sure the dishes get washed. Or
maybe they’ll set the place at dinner themselves. Either way, your partner
is the one who has to figure it out.
Because the real problem here isn’t between you and your stepkids. The
real problem is your partner. Disengaging takes your partner off
autopilot, and forces them to make conscious choices that inform the
family dynamic. Your partner needs make a decision every time there’s a
conflict: either support your parenting efforts, or take over parenting
themselves.
By being in a relationship together, you’ve agreed to help parent each
other’s children. Just to repeat for emphasis: you’ve agreed to help parent,
which implies that your partner should already be parenting their children.
The Disengaging Essay www.FillingYourNiche.com 9 You’re not obligated to take on thankless servitude
just because you married your stepkids’ biological
parent. You have a right to have your efforts
appreciated.
By disengaging, your partner will have to ask you for help. By disengaging,
you stop martyring yourself. You will no longer put yourself in the position
of volunteering to take on extra tasks, only to end up criticized,
unappreciated, taken for granted and/or fuming in resentment.
Will your partner support your decision to disengage from your stepkids?
Probably not. But hey, your partner isn’t currently supporting your
attempts to be active and involved, either.
Will your partner feel happy about taking on more responsibilities after you
go on strike? Probably not. They’ll have more to do themselves, and no
one wants that. Including you. Yet that's exactly what you've been doing:
taking on more and more responsibilities.
Your partner has no right to expect more parenting
from you than they are willing to do themselves.
Their kids are their job. If they want to raise great kids, they’ll parent them.
It’s up to your partner to decide whether that's important to them. If raising
tiny humans into well-adjusted adults isn’t on their priority list, why on earth
should you keep it first on yours?
The Disengaging Essay www.FillingYourNiche.com 10 Disengaging from your stepkids forces your partner to pay attention to
parenting. To think about the gobs of work involved in raising the kids. And
to think about—and appreciate—the times you do step in, when and if your
partner asks. You have every right to feel appreciated. You’re in this family
by choice.
This situation is no one’s fault. Blended families are a complex mix of
random circumstance, impact of different parenting styles, divorce
psychology, child psychology, and so many more influences that listing
them all would be impossible.
Blaming your partner or your stepkids for a lack of appreciation isn’t
helpful. They’re only echoing your own behavior back to you. But you need
to quit blaming yourself, too. So, stop accepting crappy leftovers. Stop
responding to getting pushed around by rolling over and showing your belly
one more time.
Instead, show your family that you’re worth more than that. Value
yourself and you will immediately feel better. Be willing to respond to a
backseat smartass remark with “I’m sorry you’ve decided to treat me
disrespectfully” and turn that car right around.
That’s it.
No discussion.
Just take care of business.
Heck, you're already the bad guy. You've got nothing to lose at this point.
The Disengaging Essay www.FillingYourNiche.com 11 Every single stepparenting book tells you about the importance of letting
go, a process that’s much easier said than done. But you have to try.
Because letting go can mean the choice between continuing to sludge
through misery every single day—or, finally doing something about it.
The absolute hardest challenge you will ever face as a
stepparent is giving up the need to change your
stepkids into your idea of what you think they should
or could be.
You are not the glue that’s barely holding the family together. They won’t
collapse if you let go. And while there’s no guarantee that disengaging
from your stepkids will fix your family’s problems, you can at least count on
feeling less angry, less frustrated, less resentful, and less hurt.
They say that trying the same thing over and over again in the same way
and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Disengaging
from your stepkids is a last-ditch effort to stop the crazy dead in its tracks.
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The Disengaging Essay www.FillingYourNiche.com