Presents
Connect to Me—How
to Communicate More
Effectively
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
www.arlenetaylor.org
Brain References
Reminder
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Realizations Inc
Generalizations are conclusions from
studies; when presented as a bell curve, they
typically apply to about 2/3 of the population
Exceptions reflect individuality—they do not
invalidate the generalized conclusions
Gender-differences research, for example,
often is portrayed as a bell curve (sometimes
there are more differences displayed within a
gender than between them)
Everyone Communicates!
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Realizations Inc
All communication starts in the brain
Studies estimate that the average
person spends about 80% of his/her
waking hours communicating
It may be closer to 100% if you
include your almost continual
self-talk—a label for what you tell yourself
Sender-Receiver Conundrum
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Realizations Inc
Consider that in any two-party
communication there is at least:
• What I think and what I want to say; what
I think I'm saying and what I actually do say...
• What you think you hear and what you want
to hear; what you think you understand and
what you want to understand…
And all that is before you add the variables of
emotions and feelings
Communication …
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Realizations Inc
What comes to your mind first when you
hear the word ‘communication?’
In large sample studies, the
majority of people said words
That may not reflect reality, however,
especially when the communication is
potentially charged with emotion or may
trigger emotions and feelings …
Communication Tools
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
•
•
•
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•
•
•
•
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•
Realizations Inc
Actual words – speak, write, text, tweet, sign, sing
Amount and rate of speech
Tonality and voice inflection
Self-talk
Nonverbal body language
Facial expressions
Electromagnetic energy
Touch
Silence
?
Multiple Studies
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Realizations Inc
Have shown how the message content
of a person-to-person communication
is conveyed—when the content is
emotionally charged:



Words: 7% - 10%
Voice tonality: 15% - 38%
Body language: 55% - 75%
Caveat - 1
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Realizations Inc
Communication style is typically
learned in your family-of-origin
from role models and expectations
You tend either to replicate that style or
exhibit a style 180 degrees different from it
(dysfunctional is still dysfunctional)
Since you learned your communication style,
it can be relearned at any time
Caveat - 2
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Realizations Inc
You tend to communicate with others in the
style you use to communicate with yourself
•
•
•
Positive or negative?
Shaming or empowering?
Affirming or disaffirming?
Effective communication mirrors an
effective life, with low needs to blame, or be
defensive, or even to be right
Caveat - 3
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
When you overreact in a communication
situation, especially cross-gender, it is
usually related to your past, having little
if anything to do with the present
Something in the present reminds your
brain of the past and it brings all its
unresolved emotional energy to the now
The reason is never the reason …
Caveat - 4
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Four core emotions (joy, anger, fear,
sadness) come with differing gestures, facial
expressions, postures, behavioral patterns,
memories, physiological markers, and
neuropeptides
The more emotion present,
the higher the risk of
miscommunication—
molecules of emotion
impact every cell
in brain and body
Emotions vs Feelings
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Realizations Inc
Emotions and feelings are different and
follow separate pathways in the brain
Emotions are cellular signals designed to:
1. Get your attention
2. Supply you with information
3. Connect subconscious with conscious
4. Provide energy to take appropriate action
Feelings are your own brain’s interpretation of
what the emotions (cellular signals that change
your physiology) mean and their importance
Take 30 Seconds
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Identify a face-to-face communication in
which you communicated in a way you
would prefer not to repeat
• Gender of person?
• Behavior you exhibited?
• Primary core emotion involved?
Challenges - Opportunities
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Every brain on the planet is
unique so there is no one way
to communicate information
effectively with every brain
How you view communication—as a
challenge or as an opportunity—will impact
how successfully you communicate
(especially if the message content is
emotionally charged)
Increase Your Awareness
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
A host of factors can play into the success
or failure of communication
An increased awareness of some of these
factors can help you avoid potential
communication traps
One factor involves gender
differences, for example
Generalized-Lateralized
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Requires more
energy to run
Larger Corpus
Callosum
connects
emotions with
language
Realizations Inc
One section can be
working while another
is “idling” – requires
less energy to run
Less connection
between emotions and
language
Handling Emotions
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Tend to express
emotions verbally
more easily
May go to sadness
when angry or
fearful
Socialized that
tears are okay
Tend to act out
emotions (not
verbalize them)
May go to anger
when sad or fearful
Socialized not to
exhibit tears
Gender and Emotions
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Realizations Inc
Protective emotions are in the right
hemisphere, speech is on the left—
females can express emotions in words
more easily (a larger corpus callosum
bridge allows for greater information
exchange between hemispheres)
It is more difficult for males to
express emotions verbally due
to a smaller corpus callosum
—Anne Moir and David Jessel, Brain Sex
Processing Information
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Tend to process
information most
effectively verbally
and aloud
Arrive at a
conclusion
during the process
of verbalization
Tend to process
information silently
and internally
If pushed to
verbalize, may do
so before they
have reached a
conclusion
Processing Time
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Realizations Inc
The female brain processes more emotive
stimulants, via more senses, and more
completely than does the male and tends to
express emotive information more quickly in
words or tears
Boys can sometimes take hours
to process emotively and manage
the same information as do girls
—Michael Gurian, PhD
Boys and Girls Learn Differently!
Gender and Stressors
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Effective stress-management strategies
are important for every brain—may be
even more critical for female brains
as they are twice as vulnerable as
male brains to many stress-related disorders
Lack of receptor internalization in the female
brain can translate into impaired ability to
cope with high levels of stress hormones
(CRF, cortisol, adrenalin)
Receptors (blue) stay open
to CRF – which helps to
increase stress reactivity
Arrestins (green) help CRF
receptors retreat inside the
cell – which helps to
decrease stress reactivity
(http://www.nimh.nih.gov/science-news/2010/stresshormone-receptors-less-adaptive-in-femalebrain.shtml?WT.mc_id=twitter&sms_ss=email)
Female Brain
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Realizations Inc
The alarm system is more
sensitive to CRF and stress
Lack of receptor internalization in the female
brain could translate into impaired ability to
cope with high levels of CRF—as occurs in
depression and PTSD
Even in the absence of any stress, the female
stress signaling system is more sensitive from
the start
Debra Bangasser, PhD
Gender Brain Wiring
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Enhanced hemispheric
connections wire the
brain for a global
functioning style
Realizations Inc
Reduced hemispheric
connections wire the
brain for a lateralized
functioning style
Enter DTI: Diffusion Tensor
Imaging and Connectomes
(brain wiring maps)
DTI Studies
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Realizations Inc
Diffusion-Tensor-Imaging studies have
established the level of connectivity
between nearly 100 regions of the brain,
creating neural connectome maps
No surprise, they have shown
significant differences in
connectivity patterns between
male and female brains
—Ragini Verma and Rubin Gur
Pennsylvania University
Side-by-side Connectomes
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Realizations Inc
Take 30 Seconds
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Did gender issues impact the communication
event you identified earlier?
If it was a same-gender event,
it may have been minimal
As you review other factors that impact
communication success or failure, keep the
communication event in mind to note if any
of the factors apply
Remember
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Every pathology has an ecology
Every behavior that results in a negative
outcome was triggered by something—it
never arises out of a vacuum
When you get upset at someone else’s
communication, take a deep breath and ask
yourself: “What other factors might be
contributing to this?”
Be Aware of Factors
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
•
Family Script (spoken, unspoken, generational)
•
Personal script (you’re given one at birth)
•
Cellular Memories (protein strands cell nucleus)
•
Family-of-origin upbringing (biological?)
•
Subconsciously absorbed beliefs and
attitudes (usually in place by age 5)
•
Conservative versus liberal outlook
Factors - 2
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
•
Personal vision and priorities
•
Differing goals (collaborate or separate,
harmonize or advance conflict, career, open
to new information, seek attention or not)
•
Self-esteem (have to be ‘right’ to be okay?)
•
Personal injury / abuse (recovering or not)
•
Addictive behaviors (clouds clarity)
•
Victim or survivor mindset
Factors - 3
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
• Immigrants or native to country
• Level of working IQ
• Manage emotions and feelings
• Emotional intelligence (overreact, jump to
conclusions, take things personally . . .)
• Bilingual (sharing in native language / gender?)
• Single, married, divorced, cohabitating. . .
• Sexual orientation
Factors - 4
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
• Level of education
• Religions or politics
• Agnostic or atheist
• Race (one or mixed)
• Culture
• Bilingual (# of languages / gender language)
• Financial level
Factors - 5
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Who I Am
Pyramid
Factors - 6
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Brain Bent
Broca’s area
Directive
communication
Wernicke’s area
Heard, written
and read
communication
Open to change
Gestured
communication
Affective
communication
Reads nonverbals
Sender Step #1
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Does it really need to be told? (Do no harm)
• Your reasons and the likely outcome?
• To make you feel better or shock them
into feeling sad or guilty or impotent?
• Is it likely to create anxiety, fear, or sadness?
• Will it improve your relationship?
If no, let it go
—
If yes, carefully assess
Sender Step #2
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Be clear about who, what, when, where, and
which—in order to do no harm
• Who really needs to know
• What exactly will you disclose
• When do you need to tell them
• Where do you want to accomplish this
• Which circumstances would be best
Sender Step #3
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Keep it short and simple
Fear tends to downshift the brain – then
people recall only 15% of what they heard
• Males may not talk about it right away (but may
get angry, kick the cat, crash the car, get
drunk, isolate)
• Females may begin to process aloud
immediately and often emot (the first thing
they say may not be their real opinion)
• Some may change their opinion later on after
they have thought about it for a while
Sender Step #4
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Give your listener(s) time to
process the information.
Try: I’ve been living with this for (days to
years), and you just heard it; I needed to tell
you although I do not need a response, now
or ever)
• Avoid expecting specific responses
• Avoid overreacting if their responses
are not what you wish they were
Sender Step #5
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Put it out there and avoid repeating
the message . . . You said it!
Avoid blaming—it may help to displace some
of your discomfort in the short term but
rarely helps in the long term
Accept that it is what it is; take responsibility
for your part in the communication and
avoid trying to take responsibility for what is
not your part
Sender Step #6
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Manage your own emotions
and feelings carefully
Protective emotions (anger, fear, and
sadness) may trigger neurons to discharge
negative electromagnetic energy that can
be picked up by the receiver
The Em energy you generate will impact the
entire situation and likely return to you in
spades . . .
Receiver Tips #1
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Many of the same sender steps apply
Listen calmly and be careful about body
language as the sender will likely:
• Sense your Em energy
• Pick up on your voice tonality
• Read your body language
The sender will likely react to
them or jump to conclusions
Receiver Tips #2
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Avoid knee-jerk responses—plan ahead
what to say when you receive information
(especially if it is emotionally charged)
• Be real: I’ll need to digest this for a
while before I’ll know what I think
• Ask: Is there something you want from me
or expect me to do?
• Assure: I’ll keep this confidential since it’s
your information to share or not
Receiver Tips #3
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
Is there something you can and want to do?
If yes, do so as graciously and
appropriately as possible
If no, decide what to do with
the information long term
Either way, live the 20:80 Rule
20:80 Rule
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Realizations Inc
Stressors interact with the
brain in a two-part equation:
The stressor effect
Your perception of the stressor
It’s not so much what happens that matters
as what you think about what happens
—Epictetus, 2nd Century Greek Philosopher
20:80 Rule Impact
Arlene R. Taylor PhD
Realizations Inc
An estimated 20% of the negative
Impact to your brain/body is due
to the information you received
80% is due to your perception of the
information and the weight you give to it
You may not be able to do anything about the
20%, you can almost always do something
about the 80%
You Choose…
Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc
View communicating necessary emotionallycharged information as opportunities
Every brain on the planet is
unique so there is no one way
to communicate emotionallycharged information effectively
with every brain—
Be aware of multiple factors involved and
general principles—then choose wisely