1/15/2015
Overcoming Atelophobia:
Becoming Good Enough in a
Never Good Enough World
Martin Roundy
January 2015
A year ago in November
a friend dropped in
for a visit
• As she was leaving she gave me a
book, Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown.
I hadn’t heard of the book or the
author.
• I put the book on a shelf and
forgot about it.
• Five months passed . . . and then, one
day, out of the corner of my eye I
noticed the book still sitting quietly on
the shelf.
• That voice in my head – the one I’ve
learned to listen to – whispered, “It’s
time to read the book.”
• I read the first two pages. . .
I was hooked!
• My life hasn’t been the same since!
1
1/15/2015
This presentation is about
Atelophobia:
• An abnormal fear
of imperfection
or…
• A fear of not being
good enough
Here is an example of how
one person responds
to atelophobia
How do Christians tend
to view perfectionism
and atelophobia?
2
1/15/2015
T Jesus
In the Bible
taught his followers:
“Be ye therefore
PERFECT
even as your Father
which is in heaven is
perfect.” *
* Matthew 5:48
If Christ challenged
Christians to be flawless,
there must be a huge
benefit for striving to
live at that level.
Turns out, not as much as
we might imagine…
What is the promise of
perfectionism?*
“Perfectionism is a self-destructive
and addictive belief system that fuels
this primary thought: ‘If I look perfect,
and do everything perfectly, I can
avoid or minimize the painful feelings
of shame, judgment, and
blame.’”
* Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Letting Go
of Who You are supposed to Be and Embrace Who
You Are.
3
1/15/2015
The Difference Between
Love and Approval
“Few perfectionist can tell the difference
between love and approval. Perfectionism
is so widespread in this culture that we
actually have invented another word for
love.
‘Unconditional love,’ we say.
Yet, all love is unconditional.
Anything else is just approval.”
Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D., Kitchen Table Wisdom, p. 47.
Approval Seeking
“To seek approval is to have no
resting place, no sanctuary. Like all
judgment, approval encourages a
constant striving. It makes us
uncertain of who we are and of our
true value.
This is as true of the approval
we give ourselves as it is of
the approval we offer others.”
Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D., Kitchen Table Wisdom, p. 35.
Many of us crave
approval, but
perfection is a very
tall and difficult
“ladder” to climb.
I’m wondering how many of us struggle
just to hold on and not look down . . .
4
1/15/2015
In my pre-teen years I
was subjected to
experiences that left
me feeling spiritual
guilt and shame.
Because of what happened to me, I
was certain I had to live perfectly for
the rest of my life, or I would have
no chance of going to heaven after I
died.
Our perfectionism
comes with a nasty
extra “load”.
Brene Brown
“When perfectionism is
driving, shame is always
riding ‘shotgun’.”
In her talks and books,
Brene Brown uses the
metaphor of “Gremlins”*
to represent the shame
messages we hammer
ourselves with.
Here are a few gremlins that many of us hear:
• “You will never get your act together!”
• “One lucky accomplishment will not make up for
hundreds of colossal mistakes you have made.”
• “You are fat.”
• “Face the facts – you are just not very smart, and
everybody knows it – everyone but YOU!”
* From the Steven Spielberg movie, “Gremlins”.
5
1/15/2015
So, what are some other
shame gremlins we
have to deal with?
What would you guess is the
most common shame
gremlin of all?
“You are not
good enough.”
What are some cultural elements
that determine how “good
enough” we are?
• The house and neighborhood
we live in…
• What we do for a living…
• How many “figures” our income
is [must be at least six figures]…
• What country clubs we belong to…
• How “smoking hot” we are…
6
1/15/2015
I see the cultural messaging
everywhere that says that an
ordinary life is a meaningless life.
And I see how kids that grow up on
a steady diet of reality television, celebrity
culture, and unsupervised
social media can absorb
this messaging and develop
a completely skewed sense
of the world:
“I am only as good as the
number of ‘likes’ I get on
Facebook or Instagram.” *
* Brene Brown, Daring Greatly, p. 23.
Girls don’t just simply decide to hate
their bodies; we teach them to.
And, for the men in attendance,
the media has a message
for us as well...
7
1/15/2015
Those of us who suffer from
atelophobia live by a very rigid
measure of success and failure.
According to this cultural
standard, “good enough” is
“Never good enough.”
Perfection is a
destination many of
us are trying very
hard to get to.
But, sadly, no one
has ever arrived!
So how can we begin
overcoming perfectionism
and the shame that
comes with it?
Let’s begin by
looking at the word
“perfect” using
etymology.
8
1/15/2015
What is “etymology”?
• Etymology is the history
of words, their origins,
and how their form and
meaning have changed
over time.
• For example, take the
word “politics”.
The etymology of the word
“perfect” gives us a different
perspective.
Early 15c. alteration of Middle English parfit
(c.1300), from Old French parfit "finished,
completed, ready" (11c.),
from Latin perfectus "completed, excellent,
accomplished, exquisite,"
past participle of perficere
"accomplish, finish,
complete,"
from per- "completely"
Based on theTetymology of
“perfect”, we understand
what Jesus was really
saying was:
“Be ye therefore
complete
even as your Father
which is in heaven is
complete.” *
* Matthew 5:48
9
1/15/2015
It seems like it’s
good to strive for
completion …
…but trying to
measure up to
what others expect
of us is a problem.
There is a clear difference
between “perfectionism”
and “healthy striving”*
 Perfectionism is other-focused:
“What will they think?”
 Healthy striving is self-focused:
“How can I improve?”
* Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Letting Go
of Who You are supposed to Be and Embrace Who
You Are.
Here’s the
good news…
10
1/15/2015
We Can Recover from
Perfectionism
“The pursuit of perfectionism
has become a major addiction
of our time. Fortunately,
perfectionism is learned. No
one is born a perfectionist, which is
why is it possible to recover.”
Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D., Kitchen Table Wisdom, pp. 46-47.
Brene Brown’s research suggests
that our perfectionism is driven
and fueled by what she call
“shame gremlins”.
Thus we need
to find a way to
defeat them.
Shame Gremlin Defeating Skills*
1. Recognize your shame and its
gremlins:
Learn to recognize when you are in
shame and what your gremlins are.
2. Challenge your shame gremlins:
Reality-check the messages of your gremlins, and
challenge any that don’t pass muster.
3. Reach out for empathy from a trusted friend:
Tell a trusted person that you are caught in shame and
ask for help.
4. Shine the “light” on your gremlins:
Talk about how you feel and ask for what you need
when you feel shame.
* Brene Brown calls these the Four steps of “shame resilience”, I Thought
it was Just Me, but it Isn’t, pp. 31-172.
11
1/15/2015
Shame Gremlin Defeating Skills
Martin’s Add-ons
5. Affirm your daring and watch for
additional opportunities to be
vulnerable.*
6. Create, carry and declare your own
personal “mantra” whenever you find
yourself under attack by a
shame gremlin.
* I added these to Brene Brown’s Four steps of “shame resilience”.
As a Greek temple is supported by
pillars, our ability to defeat our
shame gremlins will be strengthened
by the six Gremlin Dissolving
Spiritual Practices that follow:
I.
Empathy & Compassion
II. Love
III. Kindness
IV. Humility
V. Gentleness, and
VI. Patience
Let’s learn a bit more about
these six practices.
“Empathy is the
antidote to Shame.”
Brene Brown
“Self-love is the
opposite of Shame.”
Martin Roundy
12
1/15/2015
Cultivating Love
“We cultivate love when we allow
our most vulnerable and
powerful selves to be deeply
seen and known, and when we
honor the spiritual connection
that grows from that
offering with trust,
respect, kindness and
affection.”
Cultivating Love
“Love is not something we give
or get; it is something that we
nurture and grow, a connection
that can only be cultivated
between two people when it
exists within each one
of them – we can only
love others as much as
we love ourselves.”
13
1/15/2015
Cultivating Love
“Shame, blame, disrespect,
betrayal, and the withholding of
affection damage the roots from
which love grows.
Love can only survive these
injuries if they are acknowledged,
healed and rare.”
From the Apostle
Paul, a Bible
author, we find
the same
message.
Since first reading Daring
Greatly last April, I have been
learning and living the six
Shame Gremlin Defeating
Skills.
I am also embracing and
strengthening the six Gremlin
Dissolving Spiritual Practices.
14
1/15/2015
I’d like to share and declare my
personal anti-atelophobic
mantra…
I am
ENOUGH
as I am.
As you might expect, I still have
a long way to go.
I am very happy to declare,
however, that I have
made progress in
Overcoming my Atelophobia!
I wish to express
my gratitude to
Brene Brown for
delivering her
message in a way
that I could
“hear” it . . .
. . . And I am indebted to UVU for
sponsoring this Symposium and
for allowing me to share my
adventure with you.
15
1/15/2015
An now, in the spirit of ecumenical
inclusion, I will conclude with a
Sanskrit greeting
16