Lesson 14:
Detached but Dedicated
hat if I would give you one principle, or better said one keystone that can
change for the better your current relationship or any relationship that you
will ever have? A principle that will not only inspire faithfulness in your
partner, but also keep her attracted to you, and on top of that, a principle
that will save you countless worries and turn you into a mature man?
I wish I learned this principle much earlier in my life, yet very grateful to
have learned it in the past few years, which has changed me ever since.
This principle is what I call becoming a Pragmatic Lover.
I have talked about this concept in my 3 Deadly Mistakes eBook, where I
touched one aspect of being a pragmatic lover which is not promising
eternal love, or as we’ve previously discussed in this course not making long
term plans.
However right now, in this lesson I want to talk about the keystone of being
a pragmatic lover, which is Detachment.
Detachment is one of those live changing ideas that nobody will teach you
unless you become a Buddhist monk, or you discover it yourself through
painful experiences, loses and disappointments and intense reflection up
on them.
But you’re a lucky guy because you don’t have to go through neither one of
those, yet still get this idea given to you on a silver plate because you’re
studying this material right now. The only problem could be though, that
you don’t see the incredible potential of this concept because you might
not have the experience to support it. That’s why I encourage you to have
an open mind and let the wisdom come in.
This concept is not something that I’ve invented, which makes me think
that is so amazing. It’s a truth, a reality of life and a life changing idea that
people come to realize at one point in their lives, unfortunately most of the
times too late down the road when they’ve suffered too much.
For me personally, understanding this idea early on in my development has
saved me from getting my heart broken ever since. It has preserved my
power in relationships, made my girlfriends attracted to me, and
successfully prevented infidelity.
So, What Does Detachment Mean?
It can mean a lot of different things, but the one meaning that we care
about in this lesson is the following:
Detachment means one’s ability to accept
the worst and strive for the best.
In a relationship, the worst things that can happen is losing your partner.
Therefore detachment in a relationship means being ready to lose your
partner anytime, but at the same time striving for the best of the
relationship.
It means doing everything in your power to make the relationship work,
without idealizing your partner and thinking that you cannot live without
her.
It means sincerely accepting the worst outcome, which is losing her, and
then taking as many steps as possible to further yourself from it, but at the
same time being ready to let her go if the circumstances require so.
Which means that you have NOTHING TO LOSE, as long as you’ve accepted
the worst outcome, you can only win by every single day, month or year
you’re being together, investing your time and energy into making the
relationship work.
Detached but Dedicated
Detached does NOT mean indifferent, half in love or egoistic. It means
being emotionally independent, wanting her in your life but not needing
her desperately in your life.
And because you want her in your life, because you love her with all your
heart, you are dedicated to invest in the relationship and make it a happy
one, make it the best relationship ever, so that she’d love to be your
girlfriend/spouse.
As Gandhi said:
“Only the person that is fully detached but utterly dedicated is free to enjoy
life.”
In our case we can say:
Only the man that is truly ready to lose his partner, but utterly dedicated to
keep her happy along his side is free to enjoy LOVE.
Therefore, detachment should not be mistaken with indifference or
noninvolvement in the relationship. Its purpose is to prevent idealistic
hopes and expectations, based on a realistic understanding that love is a
perishable fruit, which can get rotten if the conditions are not favorable.
Even though in the midst of lust and emotion it can feel like it will last
forever.
This way you are not lying to yourself nor to your girlfriend that love is
eternal, and that nothing can destroy your love, because it can be
destroyed and unfortunately easier than we’d like to think.
Love is a team game, where both players have to be mind and body in the
game; otherwise it will go the route of destruction. It’s a two people job, so
don’t promise eternal love and express your commitment to her forever,
because when she stops being interested in the relationship, doing
something wrong (cheating, lying, disrespecting) and ignoring your needs
(which by the way, usually happens when you promise eternal love) you’ll
be the first one to run.
Promising eternal love is making love more perishable.
Instead keep it real, give all you can give, but if she’s not giving enough, be
ready to let her go, instead of being extremely attached to what you gave
and making things only worse. Remember that you are not your
investments; you are an independent person who wants a fulfilling
relationship.
And NO, you are not coming in the relationship with the expectation that it
won’t work, which then would tend to turn into a self fulfilling prophecy,
you are coming with a realistic idea that love is perishable, but also with a
strong motivation to make it last.
In this aspect Love is similar to Life.
From an early age we find out that life is not eternal, and that if we don’t
make sure to preserve it, we may die at any moment. And because we want
to live, we are motivated to preserve life, but only if we accept death as a
part of life and we’re not paranoid about it, we can actually enjoy life to the
fullest.
Therefore we are detached (accepting death as a part of life, and not being
paranoid about it) but also dedicated to preserve it for as long as possible.
Detachment is Healthy
Now that we’ve agreed on the idea that detachment involves dedication,
let’s take a look at what are the remarkable effects of detachment on your
relationship, on your girlfriend and on yourself.
First of all, being detached gives YOU peace of mind. You are not the
insecure guy that is scared of losing his girlfriend anymore. You are not
worried of what she might think of you if you open up and be yourself.
You’re not constantly worried about what she’s doing during the day. You
are not afraid that much of being cheated on (you might even hope that
she does it, so that you can leave her now, before you’ve gotten too
involved with her), thus you are more relaxed overall.
Second of all, it keeps HER attracted. Women want men to be completely
attached to them and dependent on their love, they highly desire that
because that’s what gives them a sense of security and it makes them feel
truly valued. They get their ultimate validation from a dependent man.
The problem, however, is that when a man is fully dependent, even though
they feel great, they also lose attraction for that man. And the reason is
that he stops being a challenge. They already got him by the balls and are
not motivated to work for him anymore. He gave them the moon from the
sky all at once, and without her working much for it.
Now, detachment however, adds a little uncertainty to the relationship. As
long as a guy is dedicated to make the relationship work, but at the same
time ready to end the relationship if she doesn’t make him happy, it firstly
makes her satisfied of being in that relationship, and secondly a little
insecure of losing him anytime. So she’s always challenged and motivated
to keep him happy.
Women are attracted to men that they cannot fully control. A detached
man is a mature man, a man that knows his value and who does not solely
depend on his girlfriend to make him happy. Therefore he does not give all
his power away to his girlfriend, but has principles, preferences and
boundaries.
And third of all, it sustains THE RELATIONSHIP. Detachment is healthy and
both partners should be detached for a relationship to work properly.
As you’ve seen, detachment gives you peace of mind and makes you more
relaxed overall, which then reflects on your behavior. You’re in a better
mood, there’s less fights, less jealousy, more trust, and more freedom in
the relationship.
Then it also builds attraction. When you can’t have your partner fully, it
motivates both of you to work for each other. Thus if you are detached
she’s stimulated to continue seducing you, and if she’s detached you are
stimulated to seduce her. As a result detachment motivates both of you to
make the relationship work.
Detachment also prevents cheating, and it does it on so many levels that
it’s just amazingly effective. First of all it builds attraction, and if there is
attraction a girl would never cheat; then it gives her freedom of choice, thus
it’s not forcing her to stay faithful and at the same time eliminating the
forbidden fruit temptation; it shows trust in her, thus reinforcing the law of
expectations; and last but not least it brings up the fear of losing you, which
lowers her temptation to cheat.
Then detachment also preserves each other’s power in the relationship.
You see, if one partner is detached and the other isn’t, the power is in the
hands of the detached partner, as he or she’s not afraid of breaking up if
need would be. In this case the other partner might feel suppressed and
scared of asking for what he/she wants in the relationship, and this may
lead to his/her unhappiness. However when both partners are detached
then there is a balance of power in the relationship and both partners have
boundaries, ask for what they want and expect to get it.
The absence of detachment, however, does nothing but harm the
relationship. When not detached, you are extremely reactive to your
girlfriend’s behavior, anything she does or says gets you angry or jealous;
you are vulnerable to being manipulated because you’re afraid of upsetting
her; you are dependent on her validation to feel good about yourself; you
become insecure and frustrated with the relationship easily; and all of this
makes you an extremely UNATTRACTIVE partner to be in a relationship
with. Just think about it, who’d like to be in relationship with a constantly
needy, overly jealous, soft, weak and immature boy?
Therefore as you can see, being detached has a major positive influence on
a relationship. It makes you more relaxed, keeps your girlfriend attracted,
prevents cheating and overall makes the relationship healthier.
Now, let’s see how you can develop detachment.
How to Detach?
The way it has worked for me to develop a healthy sense of detachment in
my relationships involves the following 4 steps.
Step 1 – Accept the worst
The first step in becoming detached starts with accepting the idea of losing
your girlfriend.
As Dale Carnegie said:
” If you have a problem, do these three things: 1. Ask yourself: “What is the
worst that can possibly happen?” 2. Prepare to accept it if you have to. 3.
Them calmly proceed to improve on the worst.”
You have to be able to truly feel like it would be okay to lose her. You need
to be able to tell yourself:
“I know I will suffer a lot. It could be a month, two, three or maybe even
more, but I can take it. I know it’s going to be hard like hell, but I can take it.
I will cry in the darkness of my room listening to our favorite songs and
rewinding our memories tape in my head over and over again. I may even
be much worse than I might expect right now. It’s going to be hard letting
go of our memories together. It’s going to be hard letting go of our future
plans and dreams, and it’s going to be fucking hard filling that huge void in
my life and my heart. I know that life will seem pointless without her,
colorless - just black and white…BUT I will recover, I will rise up again and I
will bring color back to my life.”
So, accepting the worst means being ready to break up at any moment, and
knowing that you can deal with the pain and suffering that would come as a
result.
And as long as you’ve already accepted the idea of losing her, now you can
dedicate yourself to preventing this outcome…you meet her needs, you
build attraction you use the ideas from this course to prevent infidelity, and
you do everything in your power to keep her happy in the relationship with
you, BUT if she cheats anyways, or if she loses interest in the relationship
anyways, or if she constantly lies to you, or if she doesn’t care about
making your happy, or she doesn’t respect you anymore, you can always
put an end to the relationship.
And the beautiful thing about it is that you have nothing to lose. You are
already OKAY with the idea of losing her, so it wouldn’t be that big of a deal
breaking up.
I have to admit that this step is the hardest one. It really requires a lot of
maturity. And one idea that has tremendously helped me to be detached in
relationships is, first of all, accepting the WORST OUTCOME IN LIFE, which
is death, and then when compared to death, losing your partner seems like
just another trivial life issue.
When you know that you’ll die someday and you’re not afraid of it, life
becomes your playground.
So, as a long as I know that one day I will die, it could be tomorrow or in 60
years, and I can totally accept this idea, without being afraid of death, then
I have this gut feeling that “As long as I am alive, there is still hope, and
everything is fine” and nothing else can be feared… losing my girlfriend,
losing my job, house, money and so on.
Step 2 – Overcome your fears
The next step is dealing with your fears related to losing the girl you love.
And these are the 3 most common fears and how I deal with them.
 Afraid of never finding such a good girl.
I know one simple thing: When guys fall in love, get to know a girl and
invest a few months or years in a relationship, they get always afraid of
never finding such a great girl anymore. And what this truth tells me is
that if most guys fear losing their great girlfriends, then most of the girls
are great girls, when they are in love and when you get to know them.
So while in love with a girl I may have the illusion that this one girl is the
only amazing girl on this planet, just like all the other guys have the
same illusion, when in fact she’s just another girl, and there are probably
many other girls better for me than this one.
 Afraid of being single for too long.
For some guys finding a new girlfriend isn’t easy. I have friends that have
been single for years just because they can’t find a new girlfriend.
Me however, I don’t have this problem anymore, and that’s because I’ve
been educating myself in this field for years now. There is a ton of
information online on how to pick up, seduce and start a relationship
with a girl; you just need to want to learn.
But, as long as you’re an outgoing guy, you groom yourself and dress
well, you’re sociable and communicative, you have some confidence and
you’re kinda funny, you shouldn’t have many problems getting a new
girlfriend. The idea is that the more girls you meet and talk to, the
higher the chances that you can find yourself a new girlfriend.
But if you ever want to start learning about seducing women this is the
course you should start with: Girlfriend Activation System
 Afraid of breaking her heart.
This one can be really hard and can make you feel really guilty. But if you
love her and you still get into the situation where you have to end the
relationship, then it means that she’s done something wrong, and she
has to take responsibility for it. You are not responsible for her; she has
to take care of her own decisions as an individual human being.
Therefore, these are the 3 most common fears men tend to have when it
comes to ending a relationship. And being able to deal with these fears and
overcome them prior to anything bad happening can help you feel more
relaxed and detached.
One universal principle that helps me deal with my fears in life in general,
but especially the ones mentioned above, is REPLACING FEAR WITH
CURIOSITY.
I cannot stress enough the impact that this short expression has had over
me and my confidence: Replace fear with curiosity!
Now when any fear comes up I replace it with curiosity. If I fear losing my
girlfriend I then become curious “What would happen if I were single
again? How would I deal with a break up? How would things turn out in my
life? What would the next girl be like? “ and so on.
Fear worries and intimidates me, while curiosity empowers and relaxes me,
so I chose to be relaxed and empowered rather than worried and
intimidated. And that is exactly what you can do as well. Replace fear with
curiosity (except in extreme life threatening situations).
Step 3 – Love yourself
Now, when you’ve accepted the worst, you also overcame your fears, the
next thing is loving yourself and being able to feel good in your own
company.
Loving yourself makes you a strong, confident and independent man.
You’re not the insecure guy that looks for validation from other people
anymore. While it’s totally normal to feel a little insecure from time to time
and rely on other people to assure you of your self-worth, becoming
dependent on external validation, however, is something that can really
hurt your life and your relationship.
As Freud said: All our actions are motivated primarily by two powerful
desires: sex and approval.
So, we all need others to appreciate us.
But it turns out that seeking external validation is not the best way to go in
life. First of all you depend on other people to make you feel good, and
when they don’t appreciate you, you feel frustrated; and when they
criticize you, you get too stressed out.
We all look for validation, but the problem is, we look for it in the wrong
place….it’s not outside but inside we have to look, and only then we’ll find
peace and confidence, and only then we can truly love ourselves!
So, the only sure way to go through life is by being internally validated,
meaning that you build a strong belief of self worth – you are awesome
and you know it!
External validation comes and goes, while true long lasting validation can
only come from inside.
You want to feel good with yourself and feel good being single.
You don’t need a girl to feel happy, and to appreciate yourself. A girl may
look like a trophy; unfortunately she only looks like one, when in reality
she’s just another human being who wants a trophy herself.
What I want you to understand is that:
You don’t need a trophy to feel like a winner and to love yourself.
And the reality is that in relationships you need to love yourself BEFORE
you can get & enjoy the trophy.
We tend to go through life thinking that we are the light bulbs and we need
women to give us some electricity. Well, breaking news my friend:
You are not the light bulb, you are the electricity.
Here are few pointers that can help you love yourself more:
 Know and asses yourself. Think of the great things you’ve already
achieved in life, your accomplishments, your achieved goals, your
realized dreams. If you’ve already lived over 18-20 years on this
planet, I doubt that you have nothing to look back and be proud of
yourself for doing. You just have to look back and remember those
things, because nobody else will do that for you.
Think of the great qualities you have, your skills and your abilities
that make you a special person; figure out your weaknesses, so that
you are fully aware of your value and your potential and you know
what you have to work on; thus becoming a more self-assured and
self-reliant person.
 Take care of yourself. Drink more water, exercise, eat healthy, get
enough sleep, GROOM, wear stylish clothes, and take care of your
weight.
 Accept your physical appearance. Physical appearance is a major
source of insecurity us for humans. If we don’t fit in the “model”
standards, we feel extremely insecure about ourselves.
If you are not completely satisfied with your body and if you have the
power to change that “one thing that bothers you” then CHANGE IT!
However if you can’t change it, then dude you just have to ACCEPT
IT! (This means, stop whining about your height, hair loss, penis size,
nose size or any other stuff.)
What REALLY matters in terms of physical appearance, is grooming.
You might not look like Brad Pitt naturally, but if you wash your body,
shave, cut your hair nicely, put some nice clothes and accessories on,
then you’re not that far from Brad Pitt.
 Follow your passions. Passions are highly related to a person’s
quality of life. If one follows his passions, thus spends his time doing
what he loves, and doing it well, then there’s no doubt he’ll be
satisfied with himself and his life, he’ll believe in himself and his selfesteem will be stronger.
 Be a little egoistic. You want to meet your needs first, which will give
you enough power and love to give to others. When you are empty
you have nothing to give. When you look for love outside of yourself,
while you’re empty, you’re only asking for love, and not giving love.
You want to get the trophy but you’re not giving her your trophy.
When you love yourself, and you don’t need your girlfriend to feel good
about yourself, only then you can be truly detached. As weird and
counterintuitive as it is, only then she’ll want to be at your side.
When you finally learn not to want her so badly, then she wants to be with
you.
Or as Zan Perrion says: “Women want to be part of the adventure, not the
adventure itself.”
Step 4 – Have a recovery plan
And here comes the 4-th and final step – having a recovery plan. This is the
step that will give you the peace of mind that you need in order to be truly
detached. It’s the step that will prepare you for the worst.
And I have dedicated a special lesson covering only this issue later on in this
course, and I can’t wait for you to get your hands on it, as it will greatly
contribute to your ability to detach, and become a true pragmatic lover.
The beauty of having a recovery plan is that it takes the stress and the fear
of unknown away. It allows you to focus on the present, on making the
relationship work, instead of worrying about what would happen and how
would you deal with a break up in case it ever happens.
Together with the other 3 steps, when you’re able to accept the worst
outcome, you managed to deal with your fears and you love yourself,
having a recovery plan is the ultimate element that makes you ready to
face the pain of a potential break up, thus adding the last brick to your
ability to be DETACHED in a relationship.
Last Thoughts
For detachment to really work and make its positive effects seen in a
relationship, it has to be authentic and sincere. This is not just another
technique to keep a woman faithful, this is a mature attitude that you want
to develop.
And when successfully implemented in your own belief system and in your
behavior, it will amplify and sustain the effects of many of the other
techniques that we’ve discussed before in this course. Being truly detached
would make Freedom of Choice one of the most powerful ways to prevent
infidelity. Being detached would motivate her to invest more in the
relationship as it would amplify the challenge and hence build more
attraction. Therefore when fully developed, a sense of detachment can take
your relationship to the next level, and it can give you the key to your
woman’s sacred lock (read: vagina). And not just that, but to her heart as
well.
That’s why my advice to you is to re-read the 4 step process of becoming
more detached and seriously work on your ability to detach yourself
emotionally from the outcome of keeping her at your side, while at the
same time dedicating yourself to making the relationship work like a charm,
and that is when faithfulness will come as a much desired side effect.
Lesson 14 Summary
I believe that for relationships to function properly men and women should be
pragmatic lovers, and the keystone of being a pragmatic lover is the idea of being
detached.
What detachment means is being able to accept the worst and strive for the best.
In the context of a relationship it means accepting the idea of losing your partner
and not being afraid of losing her, BUT at the same time being dedicated to make
the relationship work.
Detachment does not imply disinterest in the relationship; on the contrary,
detachment implies dedication to meeting your partner’s needs and making her
happy in the relationship with you. Being detached means putting your heart and
soul in the relationship, caring for you your girlfriend and doing everything in
your power to keep love alive and spirits happy; but all of it without idealistic
hopes and expectation of an eternal future together. It means understanding that
love is perishable and can only work as long as both partners are dedicated to
make it work.
The impact detachment can have in a relationship is amazing. First of all it gives
you peace of mind, saving you a lot of unnecessary worries; then it maintains
your partner’s attraction for you, adding a drop of uncertainty to the relationship;
and overall it smoothly sustains the relationship – motivating investment,
preventing infidelity and balancing the power in the relationship. Thus
detachment can be a priceless attitude that can greatly benefit a relationship.
In order to properly develop an attitude of detachment, I found that a man
should go through a four step process addressing the four main aspects of this
attitude. First of all, it all starts with being able to accept the fact that you may
lose your girlfriend and not be afraid of it, based on a realistic knowledge that
love can vanish away if not properly sustained. Secondly you want to overcome
the main fears that hold back detachment, fears like being afraid of never finding
such a great girl again, being afraid of being single for too long, and feeling guilty
for breaking her hearth. Third of all, comes the idea of loving yourself and feeling
good in your own company. It means not needing a girlfriend to make you feel
good about yourself, but getting your feeling of self-worth from inside you. And
lastly, the forth step involves having a recovery plan which would prepare you to
face the huge pain of a potential breakup.
Given the fact that Detachment is not a simple technique, but an actual attitude,
it has to be authentic and taken seriously in order to have the right impact on a
relationship, as it can literally amplify the effectiveness of some of the other
techniques, discussed before, like freedom of choice and relationship investment.