Introduction to Verbal Stretching
A free e-book extract of Verbal Aikido Vol. 2
The art of directing verbal attacks to a balanced outcome
Also in this series:
“Verbal Aikido – Green Belt” – ISBN: 978-1478198079
available in French – ISBN: 978-1482652284
“Verbal Aikido – Orange Belt” – ISBN: 978-1500188979
All books in the Verbal Aikido series exist in electronic format on Amazon.
Copyright © 2016 Luke A. Archer ([email protected])
All rights reserved
2
For my Dad.
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Contents
Reviews of Verbal Aikido .............................................................................. 5
Acknowledgements ...................................................................................... 6
Introduction ................................................................................................... 7
Some notes about Verbal Aikido ............................................................... 12
Prologue ...................................................................................................... 14
INTRODUCTION TO VERBAL STRETCHING ......................................... 17
WORDS ARE ALIVE ................................................................................................ 17
STEPPING ONTO THE VERBAL MAT ........................................................................... 22
THE VERBAL MATRIX – A 3D LEARNING EMPORIUM ................................................... 25
ABOUT THE AUTHOR .................................................................................... 32
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Reviews of Verbal Aikido
“After training in Verbal Aikido I was empowered to approach conflictual situations
serenely. During this training I was able to learn concrete techniques to use in daily
life when confronted with verbal attacks, objections and criticisms. Today I am no
longer afraid to -dialogue- with people who attack me verbally. Before I had no idea
how resolve a conflict, but that was before!” Alessia Vonau, CEO at Diléal
“I had a chance to accompany Luke in his venture and was overwhelmed by his
optimism and go-get-it spirit. So, if you dream to work with an inspiring leader or
need an inspiring partner – don’t hesitate to call on Luke!
The theme of his venture is about turning verbal violence into peace (I told you it’s
world changing!) – anybody can use it at home, at work and elsewhere. Wanna try
it – give Luke a call!” Leon Rubinstein, Partner at TBK Consult
“Had my appointment this morning (the one I was so apprehensive about), and…
they guy apologized! We split the cost, and I was happy. We left… on friendly
terms. More than that I was calm and in control during the discussion. THANK YOU
VERBAL AIKIDO!!!” Carol Bausor, Director ILTC
“Verbal Aikido enables us to be more serene in both our professional and personal
lives. It brings well-being, balance and the capacity to be at peace with oneself and
others”. Marie-C. Bellier, Medical Trainer at Pôle Formation Santé
“I have the pleasure to meet Luke in two different situations. First when he was our
‘Management of Innovation’ teacher at IMIS, then during ‘Verbal Aikido’ training. In
both situations, Luke was very inventive and creative in the way how to implement
new ideas, how to come up with solutions. Also, he brings with himself this great
capacity to put you in confidence very quickly. Luke is someone with high human
sensitiveness that inspires a spirit of teamwork!”
Ana Paula de Almeida Aranha, Consultant in Vaccines and Pharmaceuticals
“Always making you use your brain without you knowing it. Excellent speaker, good
writer and talented conflict solver. His out-of-the box teaching skills have not only
improved my language skills, but my personality as well. Can’t get enough of his
teaching.” Romain Breschet, Junior Engineer at BPR / TETRATECH Canada
“I can only recommend Verbal Aikido training, for getting out of delicate situations
without entering into conflict, justifying yourself or taking things to heart.”
Delphine Locussol, Health Training Professional at Pôle Formation Santé
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Acknowledgements
Thanks and glory to God, the Most Merciful.
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Introduction (taken from Verbal Aikido Orange Belt)
It wasn’t long after I began training in physical aikido that I discovered
the philosophy behind it, and asked myself if it really was a martial art.
Of course, without thinking, most people would say that aikido is just
that, and I guess it’s quite understandable that it got put into the
‘martial’ category. But despite the scornful looks and disparaging
remarks that my question met, I still hesitated in accepting it as such.
My interest in words and their origin showed me that a ‘martial’ art
is de facto an art of war – remember ‘Mars’ (root of the word ‘martial’)
the Roman god of war? And sure, I knew the various aspects of aikido
help us deal with the ‘wars’ that people manifest both internally and
externally, but I just couldn’t get it to fit... I couldn’t see how this art,
whose creator proclaimed its intention as being “to unify the world in
love and harmony”, could really be considered as martial?
Indeed, anyone who has gone just a little further than the mat, knows
how much aikido’s founder, Morihei Ueshiba, insisted that “budo1 is
love” and that aikido was “not a technique to fight with or defeat the
enemy. It is a way to reconcile the world and make human beings one
family.” And that was where I got
stuck, because no matter how I
“Those who seek to compete
looked at it, I couldn’t seem to
and better one another are
make the founder’s philosophy
making a terrible mistake. To
stick with the idea of an art of war.
smash, injure, or destroy is
the worst thing a human
being can do. The real Way of
a Warrior is to prevent such
slaughter — it is the Art of
Peace, the power of love.”
“So if it’s not a martial art, what is
it then?” I hear you, I hear you.
Well,
in
this
journey
of
understanding that I had begun,
my first stop was in the opposite
direction. Instead of qualifying this
Morihei Ueshiba
art in relation to a god of war, I
thought that surely we could find some sort of ‘god of love and
harmony’, to be more in line with O-Sensei’s vision of aikido. Still
1
The Japanese term ‘budo’ has often been translated as ‘martial way’ or ‘martial
art’, but the founder redefined this concept, separating it from any idea of war.
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holding a torch for the roman mythological references, it wasn’t long
before I stumbled upon Venus who, just like Mars, before becoming a
planet, started out her life as one of the gods. Indeed, you may find it
curiously significant how, even on an astrological level, this would be
considered as the opposite direction; on the one side of our beautiful
planet we find war (Mars), and on the other side… yep, love.
So Venus was known as the goddess of love, and anything pertaining to
Venus may well be called venusian, and I guess, if I wanted to open a
debate or provoke a storm of contesting views, I would insist that aikido
is much closer to a venusian art than a martial one… but that is not my
intention. However to avoid both confusion and controversy, when
speaking of aikido I will replace the use of the terms ‘martial arts’ and
‘martial way’ by the original term ‘budo’, which can be translated as
‘the way of brave and enlightened activity’. But do let your own sense of
‘budo’ develop alongside your understanding and practice of it.
Even if you still maintain that Aikido is a martial art, you will most likely
uphold that it is so much more than that too, and that the physical
approach simply demonstrates what is possible on so many other levels
– emotional, intellectual, verbal and so on. It demonstrates that, no
matter what we are confronted with in life, we can neutralize or
transform it by accepting, blending with and redirecting the energy,
whatever form it takes.
I discovered aikido in the 90s, and actually stopped going to classes
quite quickly because I couldn’t get the hang of (i.e. had an irrational
fear of) falling. But even so, it was already too late; I had fallen in love
with the philosophy. Years later, after overcoming my fear, I finally
returned to learn the physical aspect of the budo, but I’ve never
considered myself to be an exemplary physical practitioner at all. In fact
I go to my dojo quite sporadically, as I find the learning that I experience
there so rich that it can take me weeks, months or even years to get my
head around how it applies to my life. But that is why I go – to learn to
apply the philosophy of Aikido off the mat.
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Since my journey with aikido has begun, and especially with Verbal
Aikido, there have been far too many touching, exciting and mindopening experiences to note, but the most rewarding has without a
doubt been the work done with Luc Pavan. Luc is a high-school teacher
at the Collège Paul Portier – about 200 miles from where I live. When
he asked me if I could bring Verbal Aikido training to the students and
the teachers of the school, I knew immediately that I was about to
embark on the path of its true vocation in educational development. I
mentioned in the first book that for most people there’s a much higher
chance of getting attacked verbally than physically, and as much as
most adult exchanges remain civilized to a degree, you and I both know
– high-school can be a real jungle!
We worked together for the whole school year, Luc endlessly fine-tuning
the approach to the students as we focused on keeping it a fun-to-learn
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training that everyone could grasp
and use in everyday life. The results
“The purpose of the Art of
went beyond our expectations,
Peace is to fashion sincere
culminating
in
a
‘graduation’
human beings; a sincere
ceremony where the students acted
human being is one who
out the conflictual situations that
has unified body and
they had experienced – first without
spirit, one who is free of
and then with their newly acquired
hesitation or doubt, and
conflict transformation techniques.
one
who understands the
They then showed us how they were
power of words.”
able to avoid engaging in conflict, by
Morihei Ueshiba
spontaneously responding to random
attacks (“you idiot”, “you’re such a
pain in the neck”, “you’re ugly”, etc.)
drawn from our Sacattack bag2 and fired at them. Remaining centred
and using empathy to disarm, every single one of these fourteen and
fifteen year olds managed the attacks skilfully, and earned their Green
Bracelet3 and certificate.
Indeed this was a challenge and an adventure that struck close to my
heart, as I was far from being the most popular kid at my school. I
couldn’t help thinking that if I had only known even a fraction of the
concepts these teenagers had demonstrated, my ‘sick-days’ as a youth
wouldn’t have been so frequent.
I guess it’s also quite reassuring to know that no matter what age you
are, the concepts of the philosophy are readily accessible, and
practicable to you. Although we do train using techniques, Verbal Aikido
is more specifically an attitude training, mostly involving:

your capacity to return to, and act from a centered position
(emotionally) when you get destabilized,
2
The students anonymously wrote the verbal attacks they had heard or received
on cards that we put into a bag, and used for verbal sparring.
3
A symbolic reminder to use The Three Steps and an alternative path in conflict.
More information at www.verbal-aikido.com/how-to-remember-it-every-day
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
using empathy to disarm and defuse an aggressive or negative
attitude,

inserting an intention of harmony rather than domination or
submission in your exchanges.
The objective of this free e-book is to give you one of the means to
make this approach to conflict transformation one that you can
implement easily in your daily life, and sense the benefits rapidly. If you
do consider aikido to be an art of peace and/or love, if you’re ready to
deepen your understanding of yourself and others to develop this art,
then I encourage you, beyond the scope of what you may experience in
this book, to make the world your mat.
Luke Archer, 22 November 2015
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Some notes about Verbal Aikido
Hold on just a minute. Before you jump in, don’t forget your verbal
aikido-gi4! If you haven’t yet read volume 1 or perused the multitude of
free resources on www.verbal-aikido.com, here are a few pointers that
will make your reading experience (and your overall practice of the art)
just a little smoother.
1. DON’T worry if you find yourself getting caught up in a heated
exchange.
2. DO take the necessary time to ‘recenter’ when you realize you’re
not calm.
3. DON’T try to dominate a situation or ‘win’ an exchange.
4. DO insert the intention of harmony (at the very least, innerharmony) before you continue.
5. DON’T take anything anyone says personally… ever.
6. DO consider that whatever is being said could be a reflection, a
transfer or a projection of the speaker himself.
7. DON’T forget to be sincere when you’re trying to understand the
other’s position.
8. DO avoid a sterile exchange by proposing an Ai-ki (energy balance)
as soon as you detect a destabilization.
9. DON’T let the exchange continue further if you have proposed three
consecutive Ai-kis and you still feel attacked.
10. DO use all the exchanges you encounter as opportunities to
practice and develop your art.
4
name for the uniform used in aikido training
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The Three Steps are:
1. Get in touch with your inner stability before acting (Inner Smile),
2. Accompany the attacker with empathy (verbal Irimi) until the
attack diminishes or up to the point of destabilizing them,
3. Propose an energy balance (Ai-ki) when you detect the
destabilization and orient the exchange towards a positive
outcome.
The basic symbols used throughout the books and articles to describe
emotional states in the verbal exchanges are:
[…] Inner Smile – a serene confidence and stable emotional position,
[***] Destabilization – a momentary state of instability/surprise,
[- - -] Ai-ki – a balanced state for both parties involved in an exchange.
You can find an immediate example of how these are used in the
prologue (coming up next).
There’s always a certain amount of jargon and buzz words that arise in
the development of any new domain. Verbal Aikido is no exception, so I
do try to explain the concepts and techniques as clearly as I can
whenever they turn up. To distinguish the language that is specific to
Verbal Aikido for you, you’ll notice that it appears with capitals and is
italicized when it comes up first, just like the terms above. You can find
an extensive glossary at the back of the books where all these terms
are explained clearly. But if you’re really stuck, or if you just want to
check a few things, feel free to contact us at [email protected].
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Prologue (from Orange Belt)
When you came across the Verbal Aikido book series, the concept of a
Green or Orange Belt may have been a new one for you. If it seemed
strange in some way, you won’t be surprised to know that I have
received many ‘questions’ about this notion of belts in relation to
aikido. Here would be a typical exchange:
“Green belt in aikido? Nonsense – we don’t use colored belts in aikido!”
“[…] I’ve also heard that – it’s an interesting concept.”
“It’s true!”
“[…] I can see that you believe it.”
“[***] Well why on earth do you talk about a green belt then?”
“[…] Would you really like to know?”
“[***] Go on then…”
“[…] “Well, among other things, it gives me many opportunities to
understand people’s varying points of view about the concept of belts...
Why don’t you tell me more about what your belt means for you?”
[- - -] “Hmm, let me think…”
You may well be smiling if you recognize this technique as the Meaning
Prod, covered in volume 1, but truly this question – “What does your
belt mean for you?” – is an extremely beneficial starting point when
discussing any such abstract or symbolic concept as belts, degrees,
titles, and so on. When you listen to how each individual expresses the
meaning they put behind these ideas, you’ll find such a wide variety of
answers that may make you wonder if they’re even talking about the
same things at all!
You might even go so far as to start seeing the merits of doing away
with the use of belts entirely. One could even ask: why differentiate
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between green and orange, or even white and black? No matter what
your answer to this question is, it’s rooted (deeply or not) in your belief
system. However common or rare you think your answer is, it’s just the
tip of the iceberg in understanding what your belt actually means to
you.
If you currently have a belt in any discipline, take a second to ask
yourself if:

it implies that you’re better or worse than someone who has a
different color belt than you,

it means you’ve got the same capacities as someone with the
same color belt,

it gives you a sense of pride, doubt, or is linked to your selfesteem in any way.
If you’ve answered ‘yes’ to any of the above statements, then I’m
delighted to share with you the contrasting philosophy behind the
concept of belts in Verbal Aikido. You may already know that the noncompetitive philosophy of aikido greatly emphasizes self-victory rather
than comparison with external references. Consequently, the
significance of the belts can only concern the path that each individual
has chosen to take. If you’re interested in knowing more about the
belt/path system we have developed for Verbal Aikido, check out:
www.verbal-aikido.com/whats-in-a-belt-2/
I remember being told that as soon as you’ve had one class of aikido,
you should start to teach someone else what you’ve learned. Indeed
this is also true of Verbal Aikido, and the very act of sharing any newly
acquired knowledge has the benefit of reinforcing your own
understanding of what you have learned, or at the very least, helping
you see what is missing from your understanding. The specificity of
following a path to White Belt (an instructor’s path) is that there is a
clear intention to accompany an individual, or group of individuals longterm to their goals.
15
It may even be helpful to consider that if you intend to:

use the basic steps effectively,

deepen your internal and external understanding of the
dynamics,

continue to share, accompany and learn through the people you
have the privilege of encountering in your life,
… you might just be on all paths simultaneously, or a motorway, if you
prefer. So whatever your path, however wide or winding it may be, it’s
now time to tighten that knot and get en route to our Verbal Dojo!
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Introduction to Verbal Stretching
“The only thing constant is change.” ~ Buddha
We are in exponential times and the evolution in language is no
exception. Confucius once illustrated this phenomenon of an evolving
language when he asked us to take our definition of what a ‘king’
means, and to compare it with what a king signified a few hundred
years beforehand. Now, some 2500 years later this exercise still
illustrates the same point: the meaning we give to words is in no way
fixed.
Words are alive
It may seem like a no-brainer, but think about it – what is a ‘phone’?
Consider your definition of this word and then ask yourself – does this
everyday word have the same connotations now as it did 30 years ago?
What about a ‘network’ 20 years ago? A ‘social network’ 10 years ago?
Can we even start to imagine what a ‘phone’ will have become 5 years
from now? Things just ain’t what they used to be.
Strangely enough, we freely accept the constant evolution and
redefinition of what ‘stylish’ is in the clothes we wear or the cars we
drive, but we fail to recognize and acknowledge the changes in the very
words we use. Yet, when we look just a little closer, we can observe,
and maybe even embrace, the fashionable aspect of language too. If
you have kids, the chances are you’ll also have noticed the regular
evolution of what ‘cool’ really means.
Why would there be new editions of dictionaries if there wasn’t a need
to get a momentary snapshot of this living, mutating entity that we call
language? As much as some may feel that dictionaries are the ultimate
reference for word definitions, they are simply a picture of our
understanding at a given time, and they will forever be playing catch-up
with the spoken reality of a living language.
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Whether we like it or not, new words are arriving into our daily
vocabulary at an astonishing rate, and if you wanted you could
contribute to this growth too! How? It’s relatively easy: just invent and
name a new service, product or concept, and if it gets popular enough,
you will also have created an evolution in vocabulary. Kleenex and
Hoover quickly became household names, Xerox made it big in the
offices, but how many Twitter-esque words can you count in your
vocabulary nowadays? Neologisms (not sure what this word means?
Google it...) are abundant, and resistance to their usage is as veritably
futile as trying to stop a train with a fishing rod.
Grammar too is also evolving, although at a seemingly slower pace.
Some grammarians remind us that it’s more precise to consider what
we call ‘grammar’ to be a collection of ‘tendencies’ rather than a
veritable set of ‘rules’. Seeing grammar as having this fluidity and
movement greatly facilitates such artistic endeavours as song-writing,
literature, poetry and the like. Indeed, if William Shakespeare, James
Joyce and Eminem had just one thing in common, it might certainly be
the elasticity in their use of the language.
Suspending, even for a moment, a conservative judgment that
something is invalid because it is not yet in ‘the dictionary’ or grammar
books, surely helps us to embrace an evolution in language more
easily. This in turn enables us to encourage an artistic opening in
language learning, development and creativity, without which, well…
this book, and many others may not have come into existence.
However, developing this particular type of opening involves ‘letting go
of being right’, which is generally more difficult than it seems, because
if we’re not right… well then we’re wrong, right?
I was chatting with a colleague recently who was telling me about his
wife who “loves to be right”. I remember wondering “Well, who loves to
be wrong?” Indeed everybody needs to feel right about certain things in
order to construct a life with any degree of stability, but in instances of
conflict transformation, holding on to what we feel to be the only truth
has an annoying way of making matters escalate.
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If you stand in opposition or in resistance to
another person’s point of view, the chances
of reaching any sort of efficient outcome
(balanced or not) are of course greatly
compromised. Compare how long, on
average, a boxing combat takes to the time
most exchanges in aikido take; compare how much effort is used and
how much pain is endured on both sides... Now ask yourself this: do
you stick to your guns and fight your corner when someone’s point of
view differs from yours? Well rest assured, there is something quite
simple that will help take you out of that verbal boxing match and into
an exchange that greatly reduces your time, effort and pain.
In fact, your initial stance plays a greater role than you can imagine
both physically and verbally. In aikido, the physical stance or kamae,
enables you to receive and blend with your attacker. There are different
kamae; kneeling, standing, left-oriented, right-oriented, etc., but
whatever your stance, it is key that you find a centred and balanced
position that gives you enough flexibility to let the energy flow (Ki-no
Nagare5) and manage whatever comes at you.
In Verbal Aikido, we call this kamae Open Attitude. Indeed even in
physical aikido, our kamae pertains to much more than just how one’s
body is positioned; it concerns an overall mind-set too. When dealing
with verbal conflict, you have an edge over any attacker when you begin
from this open-attitude stance, being
able to let go, if only momentarily, of
what you believe to be right or wrong,
“Attachment to views is
and to replace it with a humble and
the greatest impediment
sincere curiosity to discover more, about
to the spiritual path.”
yourself or someone else. Indeed, a
Thích Nhat Hanh
certain naïve openness is required to
learn anything, for the simple reason
that cynicism puts up barriers that prevent us from accepting any new
information. To enable this attitude it is important to create a sort of
5
The verbal Ki-no Nagare technique is demonstrated in chapter 6 of Orange Belt.
19
inner ‘silence’ or emptiness, that in turn enables new information can
be embraced.
A couple of years ago I was walking to the mall with my son and to my
surprise I realized that he hadn’t told me the truth about something. It
was rather insignificant but my parenting role still seemed to dictate
that I warn him of the consequences of lying, so I briefly referred to the
classic story of Peter and the wolf. Now my son Seán, who was 11 at
the time, had already become quite experienced at using Irimi…
“Ok but what is lying?” he asked with a little smile budding on the
corners of his lips. I decided to entertain the question and see where it
would lead us.
“Well, it’s when you decide to mislead someone or to not tell the truth.”
“What is the truth?”
“[***] Good question young padawan. Well, if you know in your heart
that you’re not trying to mislead someone, then you’re on the right
track!”
“Yeah, but how do I know something is really true?”
“An absolute truth?”
For the next 15 minutes I challenged Seán to find something that was
always true. In every case I found an exception. When he said “That’s
easy: 1 + 1 = 2”, I replied “Well, in maths that’s true… but what about if
you put one male and one female together for long enough, your 1 + 1
could become 3… or more!” When he put forward that “Everyone closes
their eyes when they sleep”, I asked “What about the guy who lost his
eyelids when his face was burnt?” Now this did get frustrating, and
sometimes a little gory, but the point was not to prove him wrong, just
to explore the limits of what we believe to be ‘universally true’. Finally
his frustration got the better of him and he blurted out “OK, so you tell
me! What’s true then?” I smiled as I replied “For me, the only real truth
is how we feel in a given moment, and right now, I love you – that’s an
absolute truth. Your truth is how you feel, and no-one can take that
away from you” [- - -]. His wide grin told me that we had found an Ai-ki.
20
As it happened, a short while later, we were watching a science
documentary which explained that right now, the most advanced and
widely accepted theory in astrophysics concerning the content of the
universe is that over two thirds of it is made up of dark energy, more
than a quarter consists of dark matter (the ‘dark’ here meaning simply
that it remains undetected by our senses), and what’s left – less than
5% – is what we can actually perceive. “Wow,” he whispered to me, “we
really know nothing.”
Well, at least we know that we know nothing! So with our greatest
scientists’ humble estimation that we can only fathom one twentieth of
what we think exists – how can we believe that any theory or belief can
give us the full picture? Indeed our understanding and knowledge will
never be complete, all we can hope to do is continue to enjoy
discovering new ideas, techniques and points of view... which is exactly
the sort of opportunity that can arise when one of our ideas about
what’s right or wrong, true or false is challenged – and when we meet it
with that open-attitude kamae.
In fact, it can help and even accelerate our learning potential to see
things without having an attribute of ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, or at least to
suspend this sort of judgment momentarily. Rather, there is only ‘our
evolving reality’, and maybe the only absolute truth is how we feel at a
particular moment. Indeed, on the quest to understand another
person’s truth you may even catch a glimpse of your own...
Yes, the understanding we have of our reality is constantly changing, so
it’s hardly surprising that the way we talk about it is too. Our language,
whichever one it is, has roots, branches, and buds; it has ancestors,
families and newborns. It will continue to evolve and expand, because it
is alive and growing every second of every day. It is with this view of
language that we can start to envisage the internal expansion of our
understanding of it… or, in other words, do some Verbal Stretching.
21
Stepping onto the verbal mat
Why do people warm-up and stretch
before a physical activity? Your
answers to this question will be
remarkably similar to the reasons why
Verbal Stretching is practiced in
Verbal Aikido: elasticity, flexibility and
injury prevention.
Just like physical stretching, Verbal
Stretching enables us to:

feel
more
supple
and
comfortable
with
our
movement and articulation(s),

avoid getting hurt when
pushed or pulled in certain
directions,

fall more gracefully.
“A dojo is a miniature
cosmos where we make
contact with ourselves –
our fears, anxieties,
reactions and habits. It is
an arena of confined
conflict where we confront
an opponent who is not an
opponent but rather a
partner engaged in
helping us understand
ourselves more fully.”
Joe Hyams
Before starting a Verbal Stretching exercise in the Verbal Aikido
workshops, the guidelines (the open-attitude kamae) are explained as
follows:
1. Let go of the need to be right (about your definition of the word
being “stretched”).
2. Search with curiosity to increase one’s global understanding of
the given word or phrase (especially as seen by another
person).
3. Stay open to the perspective that words are always evolving.
There are various fun ways to choose a word to be stretched. For
example, you can get participants to write words on small cards (one
per card) and then pick one randomly, or find inspiration in a couple of
22
the words that come up in the banter when people are arriving at the
Verbal Dojo.
So let’s take the word ‘flexibility’ that appeared at the beginning of this
section and see where it takes us in this transcript of a Verbal
Stretching exercise. Pay special attention to your own feeling about the
responses given hereunder.
A (Stretch Facilitator): “What does the word ‘flexible’ mean for you?”
B (Active Participant): “Emm, adaptable I suppose, like someone who
can go along easily with what other people are doing, without
complaining.”
A: “OK, and for you what is positive about being flexible?”
B: “Positive? Well sure... it’s positive, I mean, you need to be flexible in
life!”
A: “Why is that?”
B: “Because things change, and if you never adapt to the things that
change, you’ll never… you won’t survive. I mean, especially in the
business world.”
A: “What negative aspects can you see in being flexible?”
B: “Negative? I dunno, I suppose if you’re too flexible, people will walk
all over you.”
A: “OK. What would be the opposite of flexible for you?”
B: “Rigid… is the first word that comes to mind.”
A: “Anything else?”
B: “Stuck in their ways, strict, never giving in…”
A: “And what is the opposite of that?”
B: “Always giving in I suppose.”
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A: “What is the connection for you between ‘giving in’ and ‘being
flexible’?”
B: “[***] Ummm, the connection between the two… letting go?”
Can you feel the stretch? In the course of reading this exchange, did
you find yourself thinking “that’s right”, or “I wouldn’t say that” at any
moment? If you did, you lost your kamae. It’s not as easy as it sounds,
and even after leading this sort of
exercise hundreds of times, I still
“Cast off limiting thoughts
have to occasionally stop myself
and return to true
from anticipating a response or
emptiness. Stand in the
displaying facial gestures that may
midst of the great void.”
influence an answer. Quite recently
Morihei Ueshiba
one of the participants suggested a
stretch with the word ‘woman’, and
when I asked for the opposite, I recognized that I had lost my kamae.
Instead of answering with anything masculine, she gave her opposite of
‘woman’ as ‘girl’... There are indeed many possible directions we can go
to find an opposite of a word! If you are facilitating, filtering out
expectations and maintaining your kamae enables you to give the
Active Participant as much freedom and as little influence as possible.
We really start to sense the variety and abundance in the definition of
our words when the same word is stretched by subsequent
participants. After exploring a word, a Stretch Facilitator can validate
their efficiency with the Active Participant by simply asking “Do you feel
understood?” It’s also a good idea to record these stretching exercises,
as many students have found that listening to them again between
classes contributes to multiple aspects of their development.
You may already have started to recognize how the techniques
proposed for stretching can contribute greatly to all involved. Those
who are simply listening (passive participants) have the opportunity to
work on their open-attitude kamae and develop empathy by genuinely
attempting to perceive from another’s perspective. The Stretch
Facilitators get to practice many Irimi techniques such as the Meaning
Prod, and also develop their empathy and their capacity to detect
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destabilization6. Finally, the person being questioned can focus on
stabilizing their Inner Smile in exchanges and developing their verbal
eloquence.
This exercise can last from just a couple of minutes to an extensive 20
minute stretch or more. It is also a practice that can be done as a daily
or regular exercise and with more than one word at a time (i.e. phrases
like “just not good enough” or “a wonderful person”, and so on.
Whenever and however you do it, you may also find great benefit in
stretching one word or term that has a negative connotation and
another that has a positive one.
Even though learners find this activity
enriching in itself, the benefits are
“What you do with aikido
most apparent later on, during verbal
off the mat is really more
sparring, when a word that has come
important
than what you
up in stretching appears. There’s
do with it on the mat.”
almost a sigh of relief as people take
Robert Nadeau
on a word which they are now able to
manage with greater ease and
articulation. Above all, when we have extensively stretched a word with
a negative connation (criticism, insults, etc.) you can truly sense the
verbal flexibility with which the learners respond – preventing injury
from both themselves and their partner.
The Verbal matrix – a 3D learning emporium
I never really got into golfing. Maybe I will someday, but a few years
ago, I did give it a go. Before attempting a ‘first nine’ with a colleague,
we had a professional golf coach accompany us. He explained to us
that, when aiming for the green and needing to avoid a water obstacle,
many beginners automatically seemed to focus on ‘not getting the ball
in the water’. It sounds natural enough, but he told us that by using this
type of focus, about 80% of the shots ended up in the water. However,
6
i.e. if the active participant hesitates with a response.
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for the golfers who had learned to deliberately focus on ‘getting the
shot on the green’, the figures were also close to 80% success.
Isn’t it funny how our brain tends to filter out the ‘negatives’ or
negations from what we give it? For example, if I say to you “Whatever
you do, don’t think about an orange elephant – just don’t let that image
of an orange elephant into your brain!” Well… give it a second... now,
did you find yourself thinking about an orange elephant?
You may have heard the theory that thoughts create, and whether you
believe it or not, it is hard to refute that if you have a project and you
stop thinking about that project, there’s a good chance that it won’t
move forward for you. On a verbal construction level, the stretching
exercises help us explore the very spatial positioning, the verbal
geometry if you will, of various words and ideas.
A basic two-dimensional exercise is the Triangular Stretch, wherein we
take a word, explore around it, make the opposite apparent, then find
the opposite to this opposite. For example, you may say that the
opposite of ‘peace’ is ‘war’, but when asked what the opposite of ‘war’
is, you might suggest ‘diplomacy’. Then, to complete the Triangular
Stretch, you’ll be asked what the connection between ‘diplomacy’ and
‘peace’ is.
Figure 1. Example of a Triangular Stretch
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This style of Verbal Stretching is elaborated in the example given with
the word ‘flexible’. But just like in preparation for physical activities,
there are many types of stretch you can do... The next example we look
at uses the Yin-Yang Stretch, and here are some guidelines on how it is
carried out:
Figure 2. Yin-Yang Stretch guidelines
The previous transcription of a stretch with ‘flexible’ was a participant’s
suggestion for a word with a positive connotation; here is another
example stretch with a suggestion for a ‘negative’ word: obstacle.
A: “What comes to mind when you think of the word ‘obstacle’?”
B: “Problems, difficulties. Things getting in the way of a smooth
operation.”
A: “For example…?”
B: “Well, lack of money can be an obstacle when we’re trying to create
an event.”
A: “OK. What feeling does this idea evoke?”
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B: “Frustration. Emm, yeah mostly frustration.”
A: “Why do obstacles exist?”
B: “Umm, to make my life difficult!”
A: “Continue.”
B: “[***] I really don’t know.”
A: “What different sorts of obstacles are there?”
B: “Temporary and permanent, I suppose…”
A: “And what’s the opposite of an obstacle?”
B: “A solution.”
A: “What other words do you see here?”
B: “A way through, or emm… an idea that works.”
A: “What links these words?”
B: “Obstacle and solution?”
A: “Yes.”
B: “There’s a goal or a project of some sort needed for either to exist.”
A: “What could be a negative aspect about a solution?”
B: “Well, if it’s like a makeshift solution that doesn’t work for long or
doesn’t take into consideration all the needs.”
A: “And what could be a positive aspect about an obstacle?”
B: “Emm, [***] I think it makes us delve into our resourcefulness or
creativity.”
A: “OK, what’s the link between ‘frustration’ and ‘resourcefulness’?”
B: “Wow, jeez, [***] my brain is starting to hurt…”
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If you’re stretching, yours may well hurt a little too! But these sorts of
explorations actually help us momentarily situate each concept in the
brain of the other. Try to see, if you will, each word as one of the 100
billion or so neurons in your brain, connected to many others.
Understanding your own connections or ‘connecting the dots’ about the
words and concepts that exist in your reality enables you to function
more freely as an individual.
When you are able to enter
deeply into another person’s
reality, into the three-dimensional
matrix of their understanding, the
directions you can take to reach
a positive outcome become
instantly more freely available
too.
It can be very beneficial to train with these two exercises as they
particularly enhance your Internal Antonym Finder – an incredibly
useful tool when dealing with negative remarks7. But don’t limit yourself
to these stretching approaches! Below are a few more questions that
may lead you off the beaten track and, if asked appropriately may get
some intriguing and/or astonishing answers.
Is it possible to have [X] and [opposite of X] at the same time?
What color do you associate with [X]?
What is the result/goal/origin of [X]?
What is your earliest/most recent memory of [X]?
What would life be like if [X] didn’t exist?
How does [X] change with time?
How many types of [X] can you think of?
7
See the Reverso technique in chapter 5 of Orange Belt
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Which type of [X] speaks to you most?
How do you feel deep down about [X]?
Who does [X] remind you/make you think of?
And you can of course add “Why?”, “How is that?” or “Go on.” as follow
up questions to these, as you see fit. Don’t worry if answers don’t come
immediately – accept, wait a while, and move on to something or
someone else if your partner is ‘stretched out’… it’s all part of the
exploration.
The greatest thing about these
stretching exercises is that you can
“Empathizing with
practice
quite
naturally
in
someone’s ‘no’ protects us
conversation outside the Verbal
from taking it personally.”
Dojo… and you may be very surprised
Marshall Rosenberg
by what you hear. One of the adult
learners I worked with had done the
stretching exercises in class a few times before she started to
experiment with them at home. She came to class one week explaining
how she had carried out a stretch with her unsuspecting husband and
that, after ten years of frustrating misunderstandings in their marriage,
it was only after using her open-attitude kamae that she could realize
what he really meant.
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In a nutshell…
 Language is a living, growing entity.
 Being able to suppress one’s own judgment of what is ‘right’
and replace it with a curiosity for another person’s reality
enables an open-attitude stance (kamae); this is an ideal
position with which to begin an exchange.
 Verbal Stretching enhances empathy, articulation,
knowledge and the capacity to suspend judgment.
self-
 A ‘stretched’ word makes it easier to apprehend.
 You can explore words and their meaning on a geometric level.
 Stretching that involves asking for opposites helps train our
Internal Antonym Finder.
 Openly explore other directions that can help understand the
other’s connections and associations, and your own too.
Suggested Exercise
Practice your open-attitude kamae with Verbal Stretching:
1. During a natural conversation, ask a speaker what they mean by a
particular word or term
2. Suspend your own opinion about the term for as long as you can
3. Proceed to ‘stretch’ the term with the speaker with the genuine
intention of understanding his or her viewpoint
This free e-book is an extract from “Verbal Aikido: Orange Belt.”
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About the author
Luke Archer is an Irish-born teacher trainer and international public speaker on
communication, conflict management, and pedagogy. He currently resides in Lyon,
France, where after almost twenty years of experience in teaching and learning
management, he founded the Betterfly France teaching institute in 2008.
(photo with thanks to
Martin Charpentier /
TEDxLaRochelle 2013)
Since its development in 2009, Luke has been giving conferences and facilitating
workshops on Verbal Aikido for schools, organizations and individuals around the globe.
He continues to develop and write about the art, and organizes weekly classes in Lyon.
Verbal Aikido is one of the many perspectives on the aikido philosophy taught at the
Aiki Extensions seminars. Aiki Extensions is a non-profit organization dedicated to
applying and promoting the principles and methods of the nonviolent martial art of
aikido in all aspects of life. Find out more at www.aikiextensions.org.
The Aiki Extensions team in 2014
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Feel like a stretch or a bit of verbal sparring? Check out our workshops
and trainings on http://www.verbal-aikido.com/get-trained-up/
…or start your own Practice Group/Verbal Dojo!
Find everything you need on the club site www.verbalaikido.org
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Stay up to date with the latest Verbal Aikido articles and events:
www.verbal-aikido.com (EN) / www.aikidoverbal.com (FR)
Contact us for more information: [email protected]
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