10 Things Grieving Children
Want You to Know
#1 – Grieving children want to be told the truth.
 Tell grieving children the truth with these considerations in mind:
 The age of the child
 The maturity level of the child
 The circumstances surrounding the death
 Answer questions as honestly as you can
#2 – Grieving children want to be reassured that there will always be someone to take care of
them.
 Grieving children spend a lot of time worrying about another person in their life who
might die.
 To help alleviate this fear, it’s important to reassure them that there will always be
someone in their life who will take care of them.
 Enlist the aid of their parent or caregiver to determine a plan for the children. Let the
children know what the plan is.
#3 – Grieving children want you to know that their grief is long lasting.
 Children will grieve the person who died for the rest of their life.
 Grieving kids don’t “just get over it”.
 They will often be bewildered when other people in their life have seemed to move on.
 Their grief changes over time as they grow and change over time.
#4 – Children often cope with grief and loss through play.
 Children grieve through play.
 Typically, they cannot sustain prolonged grief.
 Children use play as a way to cope with their grief and to take a break from the grief.
#5 – Grieving children want you to know that they will always miss the person who died.
 People die, but love doesn’t die.
 Grieving children will miss the person who died for as long as they live.
#6 – Often, grieving children want to share their story and talk about the person who died.
 Having an opportunity to tell his or her story is often beneficial to a child’s healing
process.
 Sharing memories about the person who died is also very important.
 Grieving children don’t want to forget the person who died – they are also worried that
others will forget their person.
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10 Things Grieving Children Want You to Know (continued)
#7 – Every child grieves differently.
 Every child has his or her own grief journey and own way of grieving.
 Some children might be more expressive with their grief.
 Some children might keep it all in.
 Siblings grieve differently.
 Just because children come from the same family doesn’t mean that their grief will be
the same.
 It is important to honor each child’s story, even if it is different than his or her sibling’s
story.
#8 – Grieving children often feel guilty.
 Grieving children will often feel pangs of guilt.
 Even if the guilt is not justified and has no basis in reality.
#9 – Even though I might be acting out, what I’m really feeling is intense emotions of grief.
 Grieving children frequently feel sad, angry, confused, or scared.
 Since they might not know how to express all of these emotions, they often end up
acting out instead.
#10 - If you’re not sure what a grieving child wants, just ask him!
 When in doubt, ask a grieving child how you can help.
 Check in with the child – do they want to talk about the person who died? Maybe not.
 Expect myriad answers.
 Do they want to write about their grief or do some other activity to express their grief?
 What do they need?
You can help grieving children by:
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Listening
Really hearing them when you’re listening
Following their lead
Validating their feelings
Answering their questions
Seeking out additional resources, as needed
Written by: Pamela Gabbay, M.A., FT
Program Director
The Mourning Star Center for
Grieving Children and Teens
Camp Director, Camp Erin
(760) 836-0360
www.mourningstar.org
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