LEARNED HELPLESSNESS: ARE YOU DOING TOO MUCH FOR YOUR CHILD?
by Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC
Your teen leaves his dirty clothes all over the house.
Instead of getting into another fight with him or
nagging him to pick them up, you do it for him. It’s
easier, right?
Your daughter with ADHD is having problems
completing her science project. She can’t seem to
focus and complains that it’s boring and too
difficult. After she goes to sleep, you finish it for her.
After all, you don’t want her to fail.
"If a parent's emotional needs are met through their child, essentially they’re
tying their shoes for them every step of the way."
We all “over–function” in our relationships at times, particularly with our kids.
And we often start without even realising it. Let’s say your toddler knows how
to tie her shoes, but you tie them for her anyway, because it’s faster—and it
becomes a habit. Or you run back to school when your 13–year–old son, who
never remembers anything, forgets his homework again. Or your young adult
daughter despairs because she was laid off from her first job and you jump in
with advice and try to “fix” the situation without listening to what she has to
say first. When you get stuck in a role of doing too much, you might find it
hard to give up—and often, those around you might not want you to stop!
It’s easy to get stuck in this role because you feel needed, people rely on you
and are impressed with how much you do. But understand that over–
functioning isn’t just a simple desire to be helpful or an annoying habit to
overcome. Look at it this way: if you’re always focused on everybody else, it’s
a way to not focus on yourself. Over–functioning is the way we’ve learned to
manage our own anxiety by overdoing, just like your under–functioning child
has learned to manage stress by underdoing. This turns into a problem when
it becomes a fixed pattern in your family.
So for example, let’s say your 23–year–old son sleeps all day, parties all night
and won’t look for work, but you let him live under your roof without paying
rent or asking him to leave. You find yourself waiting on him hand and foot.
Maybe you're going along with this because you're avoiding the discomfort
of a confrontation. But the question to ask yourself is, "Is this in my child's best
interests or in mine?" Are you helping your child, or are you teaching your
child to be helpless?
Is My Child an “Under–functioner”?
If you have a child who has been diagnosed with a learning disability or a
behavioural disorder, it gives you even more of a reason to do too much for
them. It may even feel as if it’s expected and natural to over–focus on your
child. But understand that it’s not really doing them any favours in the long
run, because they’re not learning how to do things for themselves. And one
day, your child will need to go out into the world and function as an adult. Of
course, it's important to understand their disability and help them when
appropriate, but try not to let your anxiety compel you to overdo for them
and underdo for yourself. When that happens, you run the risk of ending up
angry, resentful and burned out.
What do adult under–functioners look like? Under–functioners are skilled in
the art of “learned helplessness.” They have quite literally learned to be
helpless, because someone was always there to pick up the pieces for them.
They often act irresponsibly, aren’t able to handle uncomfortable emotions
well, float without goals, become ill a lot, can tend to become addicted to
substances, ask for advice when they need to figure things out for themselves
and get others to always help them. They will often search out a partner who
will take care of their needs and pick up where their parents left off. And
keeping a job is hard for under–functioners, because they’re always looking
for someone to swoop in and rescue them. For many people who were
raised this way, the world is a scary place—and instead of venturing out and
making a life for themselves, they choose to stay home with mom and dad
indefinitely.
Am I Doing Too Much?
If you’re doing too much for your child, you will eventually feel burned out.
You can determine if you are an over-functioner if you tend to move in
quickly with advice, think you know what’s best, not only for yourself but for
others, have a low threshold for your child’s pain and don’t allow them to
struggle with their own problems. You might have difficulty sharing your own
vulnerability and spend more time focusing on others’ goals than your own.
The people around you probably think of you as always reliable and
together.
You might not see it as a problem until you start to burn out. Understand that
over–functioning and under–functioning are a “circular relationship pattern”
because these two roles feed off of each other. You may feel over
responsible for your child, directing their moods, controlling their decisions
and micro–managing their social life. In this way, you unwittingly encourage
your child to be passive in life and become an under–functioner. When this
happens, they begin to rely on you to do all the things they should be doing
for themself. And you think, "They need me. I can't just let them drown."
Are You in Your Child’s “Box”?
I talk a lot about “getting into your child’s box,” and why we should avoid
doing so. This means stepping over your own boundaries or your child’s—or
letting them step over yours. You’re getting into a space that actually
belongs to them and not to you. Why do we do this? The truth is, we get in
there to calm ourselves down, not because it’s in the best interests of our
child. Some typical ways you may invade your child’s boundaries would be
to constantly hover, treat them as if they know less than they do, and have
their success define you. When you get into your child’s box, you’re trying to
rescue, protect, and fix and doing for them what they can already do for
themselves. You tend to believe that without your efforts, they wouldn’t be
able to succeed.
Let’s say you feel your child relies on you too much and you’re concerned
that they’re way too dependent on you. You have been in their box for a
very long time. What should you do?
1) Recognise that you are doing too much, particularly when anxiety is high.
Own it. Stop thinking that over–functioning is a virtue and change your part of
the pattern by not rescuing, fixing, mediating, or lecturing. You have to be an
observer of the pattern. Pay attention to your contribution to the problem
and make a conscious effort to take responsibility for only what belongs to
you.
At this stage, it’s less about pulling back and more about observing the
pattern that you see in your family and thinking about a plan of action. So
the next time your daughter comes to you asking your advice on how to
handle a difficult situation, you change your patterned response of taking
control and telling her what to do. Instead of immediately giving advice, you
might plan to say, “I don’t know, I would have to think about that. What do
you think?” Stop being a “Mr. Fix–it” and hand your child back the
responsibility to struggle to find her own answers and solutions.
2) Don’t let “changeback” derail you. Don’t be surprised to find that when
you do stop your part of the pattern, your children may try to test you and
change you back by making you feel guilty, getting sick and under–
functioning more. This is called “changeback,” and it’s basically your child’s
reaction to the change they see in you. Let’s face it, change is
uncomfortable—and when you stop doing so much for your child, they’ll
have to start doing more for themself. While they will likely test you to see if
they can get you to take on their responsibilities, remember that staying in
your own box is what’s best for both of you in the long run.
3) Expect it to hurt. None of this is easy. You will probably feel the emotional
pain of letting go of your role as an over–functioner and watching your child
flounder for a while. You might even experience feelings of depression,
anxiety and anger because you're getting in touch with your own your
vulnerabilities. Understand that many over–functioners hide a lot of their
insecurities. It’s hard to own up to the fact that we don’t always know things
or that we feel helpless and at a loss at times. Be prepared that these feelings
may come to the surface as you start to do things differently.
4) Don’t hesitate. Just start. How do you get started? Just start. Do one thing
differently. When you’re ready to pull back and start doing less, I think it’s
always better to just begin. Play a different part in the typical role you’ve
played. Begin acting differently: be responsible but don’t rescue. When your
child comes to you for help, just listen and don’t jump in and fix things. You
will have to learn how to soothe yourself while watching them struggle or you
might give in to the temptation of functioning for them. When your child
whines about homework, don’t sit down and do it for them. Help, but don’t
take over. This doesn’t mean that you will detach completely—you’re still
there for your child, but you’re not fixing things for them all the time. One
word of caution: many times, people who are over–functioners try to change
their role by withdrawing. Remember that you want to do this in a way that’s
still loving and connected.
5) Expect Push Back when You Pull Back: It’s important to recognise that
pulling back will initially cause a problem. Realise that when you do this,
you’re changing a system that’s been in place for a long time. Like a
machine, every part of the family system has its function. And when one
person starts to change their part of it, it’s very threatening to the rest
because that means everything has to change. And let’s face it, nobody
wants change.
What pushback can you expect? Your child might get sick, whine or argue
with you more, and act even more helpless at first. It will be very tempting to
slip back into your old role if you’re addicted to being the person that does
everything. But try to resist the urge to DO and do the opposite action, which
is to NOT DO. Remind yourself that you’re not going to do things for your child
that you know he can—and should—do for himself. Just think, “If I do this for
my child now, how will he be able to do it for himself later?”
6) Stay in your own box: How do you know if your child is capable or
competent at a task? Once they know how to do something, like tying their
shoe, then it’s not your box. Once your child has learned something and
you’ve helped them learn it, then it’s their responsibility. That doesn’t mean
you can’t give them guidance or say, “Is there any way I can be helpful to
you here?” But generally, this task is theirs now. You don’t need to be doing
something for them that they can do for themselves.
When you find yourself about to jump in and take charge, stop and ask
yourself, “Does this belong to me or to my child? Am I doing this to calm
myself down because I feel less anxious when I know they’re going to do
well? Do I feel like this is somehow my responsibility? Am I doing this because
it’s in my best interest, or their best interest? Am I in my child’s box?”
Talking to Your Child about Pulling Back
If you want to talk to your child about the fact that you’re stepping back and
letting them take care of themselves more, you can say, “I know you want
me to pick up your dirty clothes around the house like I’ve done in the past,
but it’s no longer my job to do. I want to help you to grow up to be a
responsible kid. Someday, you’re going to have to take care of yourself and
I’m not going to be here to do it.” Then, don’t engage in it. Don’t take it on. If
your child doesn’t do it, let him experience the natural consequences
Another thing you can say to your child to encourage and support them is, “I
know you can do this. I think I’ve been doing too much for you. I’ve seen you
do it before. I have a lot of faith that you’ll figure it out. You’re a good
problem solver; I’m sure you’ll solve this problem, too. I believe in you.”
And as for yourself, this is a time to get focused on your own goals and
development. Your child will benefit as they see you taking good care of the
things that belong in your own box.