On-Level Articles and Cartoons for Satire Assignment
DIRECTIONS.
Please select FIVE of the following items (including no more than ONE image) to read and analyze. You may
work with your group, but each group member is responsible for submitting his/her own paper. For each
article, please create the following chart on a blank sheet of paper and FULLY complete the appropriate
information.
Item Number
Why is it funny/humorous?
(i.e. what techniques are used?)
What is the author’s implied
message/criticism of society?
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
As a review, please consult pages 174-175 in the Level 6 SpringBoard book to help you review the definition
and purpose of satire as well as the corresponding techniques used. After reviewing the articles and your work
tomorrow, you will have a brief formative assessment over these concepts on Thursday.
1
#1 – “School 'Fine,' U.S. Teens Report”
WASHINGTON, DC–According to results of a survey released Monday by the Department Of Education, most
U.S. teenagers characterize their education as "fine."
The survey, conducted by the Office of Educational Research and Improvement (OERI), polled more than 2,000
public-school attendees between the ages of 14 and 18. The students were asked a wide variety of questions
about their educational experience, ranging from the subjects they were studying to their feelings about
homework, to what they had for lunch that day.
To the question, "How was school today?" 68 percent of participants responded "fine," while 18 percent
answered "good" and 10 percent "okay." The remaining 4 percent replied with a shrug.
"This is the highest 'fine' response we've ever gotten since these surveys were first conducted in the 1960s," said
Jeanette Franks, an OERI researcher who supervised the survey. "By comparison, in last year's survey, just 44
percent said school was 'fine' today, while 41 percent said, 'ehh,' and 15 percent said, 'I 'unno.' This year, the 'I
'unnos' didn't even rank."
"The findings of this survey should be heartening to parents and educators nationwide," Education Secretary
Richard Riley said. "Children are our greatest natural resource, and for a majority of them to feel that they are
receiving a fine education is wonderful news."
U.S. students also expressed optimism about their ability to succeed in school. Asked if they expect to do well
on upcoming algebra tests, 87 percent said, "Sure." Asked if they were prepared for English exams, 51 percent
responded "Yeah" and 40 percent "I guess."
Edina, MN, high-school junior Megan Brodhagen, one of the millions of U.S. teens who praise their educational
experience as "good."
Students were even more enthusiastic about America's hard-working educators, with 71 percent characterizing
their social-studies teachers as "incredibly fascinating" and earth-science teachers as "not at all boring." A full
82 percent said that their civics class is "so important, I don't want to miss a second of it."
According to Franks, America's teens have an unusually strong sense of the importance of their education and
the vital role it plays in becoming productive members of society.
"We asked our survey participants if what they were learning in school was helping them become better people
and giving them a sense of values and concern for the community," Franks said. "A whopping 89 percent
answered, 'Sure,' with the remaining 11 percent split among 'Yeah, sure,' 'Sure, I guess,' and, 'Sure. Whatever.'"
Despite the welcome results, the Department Of Education is refusing to rest on its laurels.
"Yes, my department is extremely pleased by the poll's results, but we still have a long way to go," Riley said.
"I, for one, will not rest until every child in America feels that school is 'fine.' In this, the richest and most
powerful nation on the planet, no child should receive an education that is merely 'ehh.' Our kids deserve
better."
Citation
"School 'Fine,' U.S. Teens Report." The Onion - America's Finest News Source. The Onion, 25 Oct. 2000. Web.
17 Feb. 2014.
2
#2 – “Father Marvels At How Quickly Kids Growing Distant”
MANCHESTER, CT—Saying they were becoming closed-off adults right before his very eyes, local father Peter Halfon,
49, described to reporters Wednesday his continued amazement at how quickly his kids are growing distant.
Halfon, who said he is unable to believe how cold his 18-year-old daughter and 16-year-old son have gotten, reluctantly
admitted to reporters that the years when his children spent all day playing, laughing, and acknowledging his existence
seemed to pass in a heartbeat.
“You always hear people talk about how quickly kids grow detached, but you never really understand until you’re actually
a parent,” said Halfon, explaining that he always knew his children would not remain little kids who cared what he had to
say forever, but hardly anticipated the changes happening so abruptly. “One minute you’re listening to them tell you
everything they learned that morning in preschool, and the next you realize you can’t name a single one of their interests
or friends’ names.”
“It seems like they go from being tiny, helpless infants to teenagers who actively wish you weren’t a part of their lives
overnight,” he continued. “You just shake your head and think to yourself: Where did the time and any shred of affection
go?”
Sharing some of his favorite memories, the father of two recalled car rides to day care and Little League with his young
children in the backseat, admitting that it still sometimes shocks him that they are now old enough to drive on their own to
wherever it is that they go. Halfon then quietly laughed before telling reporters that he swore “it was only yesterday” he
was rocking his daughter to sleep in the bedroom he is no longer allowed in.
In addition, Halfon suggested that new parents cherish their children while they are still young, expressing his
astonishment at just how much time has gone by since his son and daughter said their first words or anything at all to him.
“You really notice how much your kids have grown apart during those big milestones,” said Halfon, citing his son’s first
after-school job he was never informed of and his daughter’s senior musical, which he only learned about through
Facebook photos. “My son, Michael, just left to go hang out with his girlfriend whom he has no desire to ever introduce
me to, and I still can’t believe my daughter, Elizabeth, is now searching for colleges without me.”
“I just have to accept that she’s no longer a little girl who speaks and makes eye contact with me,” Halfon added.
Explaining that it is simply a part of life, Halfon told reporters that, before he knows it, his children will be moving out of
the family home that they mentally checked out of years ago. The local father then added that it’s only a matter of time
before he hears that his children have found apartments of their own, started their careers, and settled down with partners,
likely during brief once-per-month conversations when his kids finally decide to return his phone calls.
Additionally, Halfon marveled that the day was not far off when his children would have remote, alienated children of
their own.
“Sometimes I forget that Elizabeth and Michael are practically fully estranged adults now,” said Halfon, looking through
old family photos from when his daughter hadn’t yet learned to walk or ignore him entirely. “You catch yourself
expecting them to call you Daddy instead of resentfully scoffing at your presence, like they’re 5 years old again. But I just
have to remind myself those days are over.”
“At this point,” added Halfon, “I just have to step back and let them go off and do, well—I don’t know—whatever it is
they like doing.”
As of press time, Halfon’s children had completely disregarded their father’s requests for comment.
Citation
"Father Marvels At How Quickly Kids Growing Distant." The Onion - America's Finest News Source. The
Onion, 13 Feb. 2014. Web. 17 Feb. 2014.
3
#3 – "Nation Terrified After Millions Lose Consciousness For 8 Whole Hours Last Night."
WASHINGTON—The nation remained in a state of fear and panic this afternoon, following confirmed reports that
hundreds of millions of Americans—nearly the entire population of the country—had fully and inexplicably lost
consciousness for eight hours last night.
Places of business were shuttered and communication systems overwhelmed as Americans, emerging from disoriented
hazes this morning, stayed huddled in their homes and frantically sought to contact loved ones following the bizarre mass
event. All across the country, unnerved citizens reportedly turned to their friends, neighbors, and even strangers for
comfort as they sought to help each other comprehend and regroup from the perplexing circumstances that left them
debilitated and entirely insensate for roughly a third of a day, while government officials have scrambled to address the
crisis and urge calm among Americans.
“While we are still actively gathering information on the events of last night, we can definitively state that for a period of
between roughly six and nine hours, nearly every U.S. resident was completely immobilized and unconscious,” said
White House press secretary Jay Carney in a hastily called press conference today, noting that even the highest-ranking
members of the government, including President Obama and top officials in Congress and the Pentagon, fell victim to the
perplexing phenomenon. “As a precaution, the president has mobilized FEMA, CDC containment teams, as well as our
armed forces, because for all we know, this could very well happen again.”
“For the time being, we ask Americans to calmly shelter in place,” Carney added. “And if you see any fellow citizen
falling back into this same incapacitated state, we urge you to do whatever you can to revive them.”
Based on thousands of citizens’ reports, the mass debilitation affected people of all ages, races, and genders in every town
and city across the country. Though no definitive explanation for the occurrence has yet been reached, dozens of theories
have been put forward by scientists and civilians alike, ranging from an airborne toxin, to a powerful shift in the earth’s
natural magnetic force, to a terrorist attack, to an act of an angered God.
Regardless of cause, nearly every American interviewed relayed a similar story of the incident’s onset, recalling that at
some point last night, they began to notice an alarming slowing of their mental faculties and a growing sensation of fullbody fatigue. Sources said that as it progressed, the bizarre phenomenon left them struggling to keep their eyes open, even
if they were actively watching a television show or reading a book, until eventually their bodies and minds, in their words,
simply “turned off.”
Most citizens stated that the next thing they were aware of was finding themselves in the same exact location hours later
with absolutely no memory of the preceding interval, with some individuals reporting feelings of sluggishness and
confusion so acute that they momentarily had trouble recognizing their surroundings or recalling what day it was.
Additionally, subsets of those affected described a strange, gritty crust forming around the edges of their eyes or a
mysterious trace of saliva dried on their chin, apparently remnants of the unsettling catatonic state.
According to unsubstantiated reports, certain individuals may even have experienced a similar loss of consciousness later
in the day for a period of up to 30 minutes.
“When I first regained my senses and found myself just lying there in my home, I thought it was something that had only
happened to me,” said Omaha, NE resident Andrew Calhoun, noting that he immediately checked himself to make sure he
was unhurt. “Then I noticed my wife and kids rubbing their eyes and groaning slightly as if they were emerging from a
heavy sedation, too. I’ve never been so terrified.”
“It’s horrifying to think we were all just sprawled on our backs, completely motionless for literally hours,” Calhoun
continued. “We had no sense of sight or hearing, no idea what was going on around us—it’s like we just lost those eight
hours completely. It’s crazy.”
While most citizens reported having no memory whatsoever from the incident, a sizable percentage of the populace
claimed to have been plagued by mysterious visions, with many such individuals recalling strange and sometimes
terrifying scenes in vivid detail.
“I swear, while I was passed out, I had the most unsettling hallucination in which I, my boss, and an old friend from
summer camp were all at my old childhood home—can you believe that?” said Seattle woman Valerie McComb, who
4
appeared visibly shaken as she recounted the details. “And then at one point, and this is the most frightening part, my
teeth just all fell out. How am I supposed to move on after such a horrific vision? Could it be an omen foretelling the
future? Am I supposed to follow its instructions? I don’t know.”
At press time, streets across the U.S. were deserted and American life remained at a standstill, as most citizens were
reportedly huddling at home with their loved ones in fear that the baffling occurrence might strike again. However, at least
a small portion of the populace expressed their openness to experiencing the phenomenon again.
“Of course it was incredibly strange to black out for so long, but as weird as it sounds, I actually kind of enjoyed being in
that vulnerable, incapacitated state,” 33-year-old Jacob Pressentein of Glen Ellyn, IL said. “In a way, I almost felt like I
was in a more peaceful place. I actually thought it felt kind of pleasant.”
“And if I’m being honest,” he added, “I kind of wish I were back in that state right now.”
Citation
"Nation Terrified After Millions Lose Consciousness For 8 Whole Hours Last Night." The Onion - America's
Finest News Source. The Onion, 30 Jan. 2014. Web. 17 Feb. 2014.
#4 – “Study Finds Parenting Style Produces Disturbed, Miserable Adults”
SANTA ROSA, CA—A study released by the California Parenting Institute Tuesday shows that every style of parenting
inevitably causes children to grow into profoundly unhappy adults. "Our research suggests that while overprotective
parenting ultimately produces adults unprepared to contend with life's difficulties, highly permissive parenting leads to
feelings of bitterness and isolation throughout adulthood," lead researcher Daniel Porter said. "And, interestingly, we
found that anything between those two extremes is equally damaging, always resulting in an adult who suffers from some
debilitating combination of unpreparedness and isolation. Despite great variance in parenting styles across populations,
the end product is always the same: a profoundly flawed and joyless human being." The study did find, however, that
adults often achieve temporary happiness when they have children of their own to perpetuate the cycle of human misery.
Citation
"Study Finds Every Style Of Parenting Produces Disturbed, Miserable Adults." The Onion - America's Finest
News Source. The Onion, 26 Oct. 2011. Web. 17 Feb. 2014.
#5 – “Area Woman Said ‘Sorry’ 118 Times Yesterday”
ROCHESTER, MN—Having repeatedly apologized for incidents such as accidentally brushing up against other
people on the train, stepping aside in an elevator, and reaching for the same coffee mug as a colleague at work, local
24-year-old Katie Simpson was overheard saying “sorry” nearly 120 different times yesterday, sources reported.
“Sorry,” Simpson said softly under her breath Wednesday morning while walking past a coworker in the hallway, an
occurrence that would be repeated 17 more times throughout the course of the day. “Sorry, sorry.” Sources also
confirmed Simpson said “sorry” yesterday on at least two occasions while bumping into an inanimate object.
Citation
"Area Woman Said 'Sorry' 118 Times Yesterday." The Onion - America's Finest News Source. The Onion, 30
Jan. 2014. Web. 17 Feb. 2014.
5
#6 – “Child-Safety Experts Call For Restrictions On Childhood Imagination”
WASHINGTON, DC—The Department of Health and Human Services issued a series of guidelines Monday
designed to help parents curtail their children's boundless imaginations, which child-safety advocates say have
the potential to rival motor vehicle accidents and congenital diseases as a leading cause of disability and death
among youths ages 3 to 14.
"Defuse the ticking time-bomb known as your child's imagination before it explodes and destroys her
completely," said child-safety expert Kenneth McMillan, who advised the HHS in composing the guidelines.
"New data shows a disturbing correlation between serious accidents and the ability of children to envision a
world full of exciting possibility."
The guidelines, titled "Boundless Imagination, Boundless Hazards: Ways To Keep Your Kids Safe From A
World Of Wonder," are posted on the HHS website, and will also be available in brochure form in pediatricians'
offices across the country.
According to McMillan, children can suffer broken bones, head trauma, and even fatal injuries from
unsupervised exposure to childlike awe. "If your children are allowed to unlock their imaginations, anything
from a backyard swing set to a child's own bedroom can be transformed into a dangerous undersea castle or
dragon's lair," McMillan said. "But by encouraging your kids to think linearly and literally, and constantly
reminding them they can never be anything but human children with no extraordinary characteristics, you can
better ensure that they will lead prolonged lives."
Although the exact number of child fatalities connected to an active imagination is unknown, experts say the
danger is very real. According to a 2006 estimate, children who regularly engage in imagination are 10 times
more likely to suffer injuries such as skinned knees from mythical quests, or bruises and serious falls from the
peak of Bookcase Mountain.
One of the HHS recommendations emphasizes increased communication between parents and children about
the truths behind outlandish fantasies. "Speak with your children about the absolute impossibility of time travel,
magical powers, and animals and toys that talk when adults are not around," reads one excerpt. "If this fails to
quell their imaginations, encourage them to stare at household objects and think clearly and objectively about
their actual, physical characteristics."
The HHS also discourages aimless playtime activities that lack a rigid, repetitive structure: "Opt instead for safe
activities like untying knots, sticking and unsticking two pieces of Velcro, drawing straight lines of successively
longer lengths, and quietly humming a single note for two to three hours."
But even these relatively safe activities can become imaginative, experts warn, without proper precautions. "Do
not let children know that, for example, sailors and pirates untie knots," McMillan said.
Although no cure has yet been developed for childhood imagination, preventative measures can deter children
from potentially hazardous bouts of make-believe.
"Many of the suggestions are really quite simple, like breaking down cardboard boxes or sewing cushions to
couches so they cannot be converted into forts or playhouses," McMillan said. "Blank pieces of paper, which
can inspire non-reality-based drawings, should be discarded unless they are used in one of our recommended
diagonal folding and unfolding activities. And all loose sticks left lying in the yard should be carefully labeled
'Not a Sword.'"
6
Unfortunately, removing everything from a child's field of view that could stimulate his active young mind is
extremely time-consuming, and infeasible as a long-term solution, McMillan acknowledges. "To truly protect
your children, you must go to great lengths to completely eliminate their curiosity, crush their spirit of
amazement, and eradicate their childlike glee. Watch for the danger signs: faraway expressions, giggle fits, and
a general air of carefree contentment."
Added McMillan: "Remember, if you see a single sparkle of excitement in their eyes, you haven't done
enough."
Citation
"Child-Safety Experts Call For Restrictions On Childhood Imagination." The Onion - America's Finest News
Source. The Onion, 20 Feb. 2007. Web. 17 Feb. 2014.
#7 – "Woman Takes Short Half-Hour Break From Being Feminist To Enjoy TV Show."
PORTLAND, OR—Saying that she just wanted a little time to relax and “not even think about” confining
gender stereotypes, local health care industry consultant Natalie Jenkins reportedly took a 30-minute break from
being a feminist last night to kick back and enjoy a television program.
Jenkins, 29, told reporters that after a long and tiring day at her office, all she wanted to do was return home, sit
down on her couch, turn on an episode of the TLC reality show Say Yes To The Dress, and treat herself to a
brief half hour in which she could look past all the various and near constant ways popular culture undermines
the progress of women.
“Every once in a while, it’s nice to watch a little television without worrying about how frequently the
mainstream media perpetuates traditional gender roles,” Jenkins said before putting her feet up on her coffee
table and tuning in to the popular program that follows women as they shop for wedding gowns. “No mentally
cataloging all the times women are subtly mocked or shamed for not living up to an unrealistic body image, no
examining how women are depicted as superficial and irrationally emotional, and no thinking about how these
shows reinforce the belief that women should simply aspire to find a man and get married—none of that. Not
tonight. I’m just watching an episode of Say Yes To The Dress and enjoying it for what it is.”
“Between 9 and 9:30, I’m not even going to take notice of all the two-dimensional portrayals of women as
fashion- and shopping-obsessed prima donnas,” Jenkins added. “That part of my brain will just be switched
off.”
Jenkins confirmed that she watched contentedly for the entirety of the television program, telling reporters that
she never once allowed herself to grow indignant as the adult, employed, and presumably self-respecting
women on screen repeatedly demanded to be made into “princesses.”
Additionally, Jenkins acknowledged that she witnessed dozens of moments in which the brides-to-be abandoned
the notion that they should be valued for their personalities and intellects and instead seemed to derive their sole
sense of worth from embellishing their appearance. However, she said she was able to consistently remind
herself that this was “Natalie time” and that the feminist movement “could do without [her] for 30 minutes.”
“Normally, I’d be pretty irritated at the thought of millions of people across the country mindlessly watching
such a backward representation of what it means to be a woman in the 21st century, but tonight I’m just
unwinding and not letting it get to me,” Jenkins said. “It’s actually been kind of nice to push all the insinuations
7
that marriage is the one true path for women to achieve happiness and fulfillment to the back of my mind and
just lie back and have a good time.”
“In fact, there was a part where one of the brides threw a tantrum because the dress she wanted was above her
budget and then whined to her father until he finally gave in and bought it for her, and I just let myself laugh out
loud,” added Jenkins, noting that, while she was fully aware that such depictions reinforced the notion of
women as helpless figures who require a man to provide for them, she was “letting all that stuff slide” during
this particular half hour. “This show’s actually pretty fun and entertaining if you ignore how damaging it could
be to our perceptions of gender in society.”
Jenkins also reportedly viewed roughly 10 minutes of advertisements throughout the show, during which time
she reminded herself to actively tune out the numerous instances wherein feminine sexuality was used to sell
products; the number of times advertisements preyed on female insecurity; and the sheer volume of bare female
skin shown on screen.
“Sure, I just watched several commercials that basically reduced women to explicitly sexualized objects whose
sole purpose is to please men, but someone else can worry about that right now because I’m off the clock,” said
Jenkins, following a succession of ads for vodka, shampoo, and the Fiat 500. “Honestly, I don’t even care that
that yogurt commercial showed thin, beautiful women easily balancing home and work lives while eating 60calorie packs of yogurt. Tonight, in my mind, they’re just selling Greek yogurt. That’s all.”
While affirming that she had fully recommitted herself to the cause of gender equality as soon as the show’s
credits ended, Jenkins admitted she was already looking forward to the next time she could let herself disregard
the many ways women are reduced to stale caricatures on national television.
“Honestly, it’s pretty exhausting to call out every sexist stereotype or instance of misogyny in popular culture,
so sometimes I have to just throw my hands up and grant myself a little time off,” Jenkins said. “And given the
state of modern media, momentarily suspending my feminist ideals is the only way to get through a night of TV
without becoming totally livid or discouraged.”
As of press time, Jenkins’ sense of relaxation and contentment had been entirely undone by the first 30 seconds
of 2 Broke Girls.
Citation
"Woman Takes Short Half-Hour Break From Being Feminist To Enjoy TV Show." The Onion - America's
Finest News Source. The Onion, 22 Jan. 2014. Web. 17 Feb. 2014.
8
#8 – “The Saving Grace of Satire”
#9 – Cartoon Special for Ed Notes, Spring 2003
9
#10 – “Higher Education in Sri Lanka”
10