Cast List
Jack Masterson, Private Eye: Jack is new at the trade and uses some very eccentric techniques.
“Doctor” Lisa Connelly: Lisa is a medical school drop out and Jack’s partner.
Miss Lara Lovely: Lara is a “beautiful woman in distress”. A prized family heirloom has been
stolen from her.
Professor D. Veous: Jack’s archenemy, the Professor’s goal is world domination.
Polly: One of Professor Veous’ flunkies. She is not too bright upstairs.
Rolly: Another one of Professor Veous’ flunkies. She isn’t too bright either.
Detective O’Malley: (Irish Accent) An Irish cop. Jack’s rival.
Jimmy the Sandwich: (Mobster Accent) A small time thug.
Tina Malone: (Mobster Accent) A thug in training.
Ivana Kilya: (German/Austrian Type Accent) A nightclub singer and a bad girl.
Miss Sandra Moody: Lara’s neighbor. Sandra thinks she is better than everyone else and she’s
quite moody.
Miguel Sanchez: (Spanish Accent) A Spanish assassin. His hair is perfect at all times.
Yvette the Maid: (French Accent) Lara’s eccentric French maid.
Mrs. Vera Masterson: Jack’s overprotective mother. She doesn’t want her “little Jacky” to get
hurt.
Connie Veous: Professor Veous’ ex-wife and his one weakness.
Kate Benson: A nosy reporter who wants to get her “big story”.
Jerry Shade: Owner and bartender of Club Shady.
Elana Sky: A small time cat burglar.
ACT I, SCENE I
Scene: Jack’s new office. A chair and a desk are all that furnish it. Jack is hanging his new private
detective license/diploma. After it is perfect he sits at his desk and pulls out a tape recorder.
Jack: (Relaxing) Jack Masterson, private eye. (Pushes record) Jack you’ve reached the big time.
Any minute now, beautiful women in distress are gonna come walking through that door.
They’ll need your help Jack and they’ll pay big bucks for it. (A few moments pass) Any
minute now. (A few more moments pass) Any minute. (Lisa enters. Jack jumps up expecting
someone else) Oh, it’s you.
Lisa: Nice to see you too.
Jack: I’m sorry. I was just hoping that you were a beautiful woman in distress.
Lisa: Excuse me?!
Jack: No, no, I didn’t mean that you’re not beautiful, cause you are, I mean, I don’t want you to
think that I think you’re beautiful, cause I don’t, er, uh…can you give me a minute to pull my
foot out of my mouth?
Lisa: No keep going, you’re on a roll, and while you’re at it, why don’t you tell me why my name
isn’t on the door.
Jack: Well, I figured that was fairly obvious. I’m the private eye remember. You’re just the hired
help.
Lisa: Do you actually think before you talk or do you just open your mouth and words come out of
it?
Jack: Of course I think about what I say, I’m just insensitive that’s all.
Lisa: Thanks for clearing that up for me. (Pause) I thought we were supposed to be partners.
Jack: We are partners.
Lisa: Then why does it just say “Jack Masterson, Private Eye” on the door?
Jack: Look, if it really means that much to you, after we finish our first big case, I’ll have your
name put on the door.
Lisa: Promise?
Jack: Cross my heart. (Jack crosses the right side of his chest)
Lisa: Your heart is on the other side.
Jack: No need to get technical. (O’Malley enters)
O’Malley: Noice place you’ve got ‘ere Masterson. Not workin’ out of your parents’ house
anymore eh?
Jack: You’re pretty funny Detective. It’s too bad you’re a better comedian than you are a cop.
O’Malley: Give et up Masterson. You’re jus’ a wannabe and everybody knows et. Whoile you’re
en your fantasy world, real cops loike me are out there solvin’ croimes.
Jack: Well, why don’t you go solve one of those crimes and leave us dreamers to dream.
O’Malley: Oi’ll do that, sence that es the only way you’ll ever get a cloient anyway. (O’Malley
exits)
Jack: I’ll show him.
Lisa: Don’t let him get to you.
Jack: You’re right, I just need to focus on the case.
Lisa: What case?
Jack: You’re ruining my moment here.
Lisa: Sorry. (Lara enters)
Lara: Excuse me. I’m looking for a Jack Masterson.
Jack: That’s me, Jack Masterson, private eye.
Lara: Oh good, I need your help, someoneJack: Don’t tell me. (Jack takes Lara’s hands) Now, Miss…Lovely.
Lara: How did you know my name?
Jack: It’s a gift. (Changing the subject) Now, Miss Lovely, someone is trying to kill you?
Lara: No, not that I know of.
Jack: (Stumped) Huh, I don’t get it, that always works for Sherlock Holmes.
Lisa: Please, tell us what’s troubling you Miss Lovely.
Lara: A prizedJack: Just a second. (Jack sticks his head out the office window) Hey, O’Malley! Four words for
you! Beautiful woman in distress! (Jack comes back inside and sits) I’m sorry, please continue.
Lara: As I was saying, a prized family heirloom has been stolen from my house.
Jack: I see. (Jack stands up) You’ve come to the right place Miss Lovely.
Lara: Do you think you can help me?
Jack: Does a monkey with wings fly? Of course we can. Don’t you worry about a thing, we’ll find
your missing heirloom…just as soon as we talk about what it’ll cost you.
Lara: Money is no problem. I’ll pay whatever you charge if you get my heirloom back.
Lisa: Well, there’s no need to discuss that now. Why don’t we come have a look at your house and
see if we can’t find any clues.
Lara: Thank you. (Lara pulls out a piece of paper) Here is the address. When can I expect you?
Lisa: We’ll be there within the hour.
Lara: Oh good. (O’Malley enters out of breath)
Jack: Ah, O’Malley nice to see you again so soon.
O’Malley: (To Lara) Detective O’Malley at your service Muss. Ef there es anythin’ Oy can help ya
weth, jus’ let me know.
Lara: I’ve already been taken care of, thanks. (To Jack and Lisa) I’ll see you both shortly. (Lara
exits)
Jack: (To O’Malley) Could you pinch me? I must be dreaming because I believe that was a client.
O’Malley: Oy hate you.
Jack: Ditto. (Looks confused. Not sure if he just insulted himself or O’Malley) Now get out of
here so I can get some work done.
O’Malley: Foine, but Oy’ll be havin’ the last laugh when ya mess thes one up. (O’Malley exits)
Jack: Well, are you ready to go solve your first case?
Lisa: Hey, I didn’t drop out of med school for nothing.
Jack: All right, let’s go. (Vera enters with a brown paper lunch bag)
Vera: Oh, I am so proud of you! (Vera gives Jack a big hug)
Jack: Mom!
Vera: My little Jacky has his own business. Your father would be proud.
Jack: I told you not to call me your little Jacky! I’m a big boy now.
Vera: Yes, but you’re still my little Jacky.
Jack: (Sigh) What are you doing here anyway?
Vera: I gave him life and this is how he greets me. Hello Lisa dear.
Lisa: Hello Mrs. Masterson.
Jack: I’m sorry mom, it’s just that I’m really busy right now.
Vera: All right, I’ll let you get back to work, but first…here, I brought you lunch. (Vera gives Jack
the lunch bag) It’s peanut butter and jelly cut in the shape of Mickey Mouse, just the way you like
it.
Jack: (Really embarrassed) Mom!
Vera: Okay, I’m going. I’ll call you later sweety. You be careful out there.
Jack: I will mom.
Vera: Bye now. (Vera exits)
Jack: Not a word. I don’t want to hear it.
Lisa: I wasn’t going to say anything.
Jack: Good.
Lisa: I would never dream of humiliating my little Jacky.
Jack: Shut up. Let’s go. (Blackout)
ACT I, SCENE II
Scene: Miss Lara Lovely’s home. Lara is pacing back and forth. Yvette watches her intently.
Yvette: Mademoiselle, try to relax.
Lara: (Nervously) I am relaxed. I’m perfectly relaxed.
Yvette: So I see.
Lara: Where are they? They said they would be here. (Doorbell rings) Oh good. (Lara answers the
door. Sandra enters left) Oh…hello Sandra.
Sandra: (Barging in) Hello Lara, how are things?
Lara: Actually, now is a bad time.
Sandra: Good to hear. So, what was all the commotion over here last night?
Lara: Someone broke into my house and stoleSandra: (Not really caring) Oh, that is terrible. You know, if you had my security system it would
not have happened.
Yvette: Talkeeng ze burgular to dess I suppose.
Sandra: You really should teach your hired help to be more polite to your guests.
Yvette: Guest? Guests are eenvited.
Lara: That will be all Yvette.
Yvette: Sorry mademoiselle.
Sandra: Well, it’s been fun, actually no it hasn’t, but I should be going. I’m late for a manicure.
Sorry to hear about what happened, but what can I say; at least it didn’t happen to me. Bye now!
(Sandra exits left)
Yvette: Honestly mademoiselle, ‘ow can you put up wiss zat woman?
Lara: Just because she’s rude doesn’t mean I have to be.
Yvette: Zat makes you ze better person?
Lara: Exactly.
Yvette: Well, I’d just as soon not be ze better person and smack ‘air! (Doorbell rings)
Lara: I hope that is the private investigators this time. (Lara answers the door. Jack and Lisa enter
left) Good you’re here!
Jack: (Being suave) Well, it’s nice to see you too.
Lisa: Calm down Romeo.
Jack: (To Lisa) Uh yes, well, why don’t you start your analysis and I will begin the questioning.
Lisa: Sure. (Lisa opens her “doctor” bag and pulls out different mixing vials)
Jack: So, Miss Lovely, when exactly was your heirloom stolen?
Lara: It was late last night.
Jack: Did you see or hear anything?
Lara: I didn’t, but my maid, Yvette, did.
Jack: Good. (To Yvette) Do you mind if I ask you a few questions Yvette?
Yvette: Yes.
Jack: You do mind?
Yvette: Sorry, I meant yes meaning no.
Jack: Right, okay. What is it that you saw or heard?
Yvette: I heard ze eentrudair’s voice.
Jack: And what did this person sound like?
Yvette: Zey ‘ad an accent.
Jack: So they weren’t from America?
Yvette: No, zey weren’t from France.
Jack: I’m sorry, could you please repeat that?
Yvette: Zey deed not sound French.
Jack: So what did they sound like?
Yvette: Do you ‘ear my voice?
Jack: Yeah.
Yvette: Zey deed not sound like me.
Jack: Right, right, that whole French thing. That helps a whole lot. Anything else?
Yvette: Ze seef fell down ze stairs an’ screamed.
Jack: So the thief was a woman?
Yvette: Oui, I seenk so.
Jack: Did you see anything?
Yvette: No, eet was much too dark.
Jack: I see. Well, that’s all. Thank you.
Yvette: My pleasure. May I be excused, mademoiselle?
Lara: Yes Yvette, thank you. (Yvette nods in acknowledgment and exits right) Did that help at all
Mr. Masterson?
Jack: Please, call me Jack, and honestly it’s not much to go on, but every little bit helps.
Lisa: (Finishes mixing) I’ve got it!
Lara: You know who stole my heirloom?
Lisa: No, I’ve prepared a gin and tonic.
Lara: (Disappointed) Oh.
Lisa: Something wrong?
Lara: It’s just that I thought you used some advanced scientific technique to solve the mystery.
Lisa: No way, I’m an ex-med student, not a chemist.
Jack: (Jack drinks gin & tonic) Don’t worry we’re professionals. We know what we are doing.
Lara: Okay.
Jack: (Thinks for a moment) Where was the item stolen from?
Lara: My bedroom.
Jack: Interesting. (Thinks for another moment) Miss Lovely, could my partner and I have a
moment alone to discuss this?
Lara: Sure.
Jack: Thanks. (Lara exits right)
Lisa: What’s up?
Jack: I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but this has the stink of my archnemesis all over it.
Lisa: This is your first case and you have an archnemesis?
Jack: Well yeah, I mean it started out as a high school rivalry and just kinda grew into a deep
seeded hate.
Lisa: Right, and who is this super villain of yours anyway?
Jack: (Real dramatic) Professor Veous, D. Veous.
Lisa: That’s his real name?
Jack: Well actually it used to be Charlie Veous, but he changed it to suit his goal of world
domination.
Lisa: And what makes you think he did this?
Jack: It’s elementary my dear Connelly.
Lisa: What is?
Jack: Nothing, I’ve just always wanted to say that.
Lisa: Stop goofing around. Look, the maid said the intruder sounded like a woman. What makes
you think this D. Veous guy did it?
Jack: Nothing really, but he does have two female flunkies. Maybe they did his handy work for
him. I definitely think it’s worth looking into.
Lisa: You got an address on this guy?
Jack: Of course. Why do you ask?
Lisa: I don’t know, I just figured that most villains have some secret hideout that the “hero” can’t
find.
Jack: No, he works in the basement of the local Happy Hamburger Hut.
Lisa: Oh, then let’s go question him. I’ll let Miss Lovely know that we’ll be back later. (Lisa exits
right)
Jack: (Jack pulls out tape recorder and pushes record) Jack you’re caught in a world of lies with no
obvious clues to the truth and you’re about to match wits with a dark and sinister villain, so don’t
forget…you are one handsome devil. (Blackout)
ACT I, SCENE III
Scene: Professor D. Veous’ underground laboratory. The Professor is writing down his diabolical
plans. Polly and Rolly are playing a game of rock, paper, scissors.
Veous: (After a few moments of not being able to focus) Will you two knock it off?! I’m trying to
think here.
Polly/Rolly: Sorry sir. (Both stop playing. When Veous isn’t looking they stick out their tongues)
Veous: It’s so hard to find decent help these days. Now where was I? Ah yes, world conquest.
(Knock at the door) This is why my plans never succeed. I keep getting interrupted. Who is it?!
(Jack and Lisa enter)
Jack: It’s your favorite person in the whole world.
Veous: Jack. What are you doing here?
Jack: I was just in the neighborhood looking for rats and guess what? Your name came up on my
list.
Veous: Yes of course. (Noticing Lisa) Who is your friend?
Jack: This is my partner, Doctor Lisa Connelly.
Veous: A doctor?
Lisa: Well almost.
Veous: I see.
Lisa: And what exactly are you a professor of Charlie?
Veous: (To Jack) You told her my name was Charlie?
Jack: Yeah, I guess I did.
Veous: I thought we had a deal. You don’t tell anyone about my name and I don’t tell anyone that
you sleep with a stuffed dinosaur named Cubert.
Jack: His name is Hubert and I’ll thank you not to mention that again.
Veous: You started this.
Jack: Yeah and I’m gonna finish it.
Veous: Come on then.
Jack: Oh you’re asking for it.
Veous: That’s it! Polly, Rolly, restrain me before I have to get nasty!
Jack: Oh, it’s on! Hold me back Lisa, hold me back! (Neither Polly, Rolly, or Lisa move to restrain
Jack or Veous. So instead they both look really stupid) If the air between us, down here wasn’t so
thick, you’d be dead right now.
Veous: No, you’d be dead!
Jack: Nerd!
Veous: Bully!
Lisa: Boys, boys, calm down. After all, we wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt.
Jack: She’s right.
Veous: What do you want Jack?!
Jack: Where were you last night?
Veous: I was with my assistants. (All through the following dialogue, Veous is trying to get Polly
and Rolly to shut up)
Polly: Yeah, we were robbing the First National Bank.
Rolly: No, that was last week.
Polly: You sure?
Rolly: Yeah, we did the kidnapping last night.
Polly: No, that’s tomorrow. I think it was the train hijacking.
Rolly: Nope that was Thursday.
Polly: The jewel heist?
Rolly: Monday.
Polly: Hmm…
Rolly: Taking the President hostage?
Polly: No, not until that deal with those terrorists goes through. Maybe it was the credit card scam.
Rolly: No, we decided not to do that remember?
Polly: That’s right, it was too risky. We might have gotten caught.
Veous: Girls! Rehearse your play somewhere else please!
Lisa: What play?
Veous: Oh uh…Death of a Hitman, yeah that’s it.
Lisa: Never heard of it.
Veous: It’s new to the theater scene.
Jack: Enough fooling around D. What do you know about this priceless family heirloom that’s
gone missing?
Veous: I had nothing to do with it.
Lisa: We never said you did. Sounds to me like you have something to hide.
Veous: (Acting shocked) Have you ever?!
Polly/Rolly: Never!
Jack: Knock it off Charlie. We know you know something.
Veous: I don’t know anything, but even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you.
Jack: I’ll give you one chance to take that back.
Veous: Ha! That’s a laugh.
Jack: Have it your way. You’ve forced me to get dirty.
Veous: There is nothing you could do that would make me talk.
Jack: We’ll see about that. Lisa, I need to run back to the office real quick. Why don’t you go
down to Club Shady and see if you can find any leads. I’ll meet you there when I’m done.
Lisa: Okay, see you in a bit.
Jack: Hey, be careful, partner.
Lisa: I will. (Lisa exits)
Jack: I’ll be back Veous and you’re gonna be sorry. (Jack exits)
Veous: Is there something wrong with you two?
Polly: No.
Rolly: We feel fine boss.
Veous: I meant up here. (Veous pokes both of them in the head)
Polly: What do you mean boss?
Veous: You gave away all our plans in front of Jack.
Rolly: No we didn’t.
Veous: What do you mean, no you didn’t?!
Polly: We weren’t looking at Jack.
Rolly: And since we couldn’t see him.
Polly: He couldn’t see us.
Rolly: Hence, he couldn’t hear us.
Veous: (Veous is very frustrated and grabs his head) I’ve got a headache! I need some air. (Veous
exits ad-libbing the whole way)
Polly: What’s wrong with the boss?
Rolly: I think our clever plan shocked him.
Polly: Yeah, I’ll bet he never saw it coming.
Rolly: We’re a pretty good team.
Polly: Uh huh. (Both give each other a thumbs up. Blackout)
ACT I, SCENE IV
Scene: Jack’s office. Jack enters to find Kate Benson sitting at his desk. Jack does a double take to
make sure he is in the right place.
Jack: I’m sorry, I must have the wrong office.
Kate: No, this is your office Mr. Masterson.
Jack: How did you get in?
Kate: The door was unlocked.
Jack: (Jack pulls out his tape recorder and pushes record) Jack you need to start locking the office
door. (Jack pauses and looks at Kate again) On second thought Jack, scratch that idea. (Jack puts
tape recorder away) Well Miss…Benson, since you’ve gone ahead and let yourself in, what can I do
for you?
Kate: How did you know my name?
Jack: I’m just really good at what I do.
Kate: Oh…well, I came here to get a story.
Jack: Ah you’re a reporter.
Kate: That’s right.
Jack: Well, you’re in luck. I am working on a very big case right now. An expensive family
heirloom was stolen from Miss Lara Lovely of Quaker Street, and she came here, in need of my
expertise.
Kate: This sounds like it could be a big story. It might be my big break. Could I follow you around
and record this mystery?
Jack: I don’t know, this is pretty dangerous work.
Kate: Well, I could just see if that Irish cop will show me around the rough streets.
Jack: Okay, you can come with me, but don’t beg, it’s embarrassing. (Jack picks up the phone)
Hello operator, is there a listing for a Connie Veous? (Listens) Great, that’s the one. Yeah, go ahead
and put me through.
Kate: What are you doing?
Jack: We’re about to go question a very dangerous man, I’m just getting some back up.
Kate: Oh. (Kate writes down some notes)
Jack: (Talking into the phone) Hello Connie? It’s Jack, Jack Masterson. Yeah, how are you? Oh,
sorry to hear it. Me? Oh I’m fine. (Annoyed) Yes, Hubert is fine too. Listen, I was just talking to
Charlie and he was saying how much he wanted to see you. Well, I wanted to surprise him, so I
was wondering if you would- You will? Great! I’ll meet you at the Happy Hamburger Hut in
fifteen minutes. Okay, see you there. Bye. (Jack hangs up the phone) Ready to go?
Kate: Yeah, but I have just one question.
Jack: What’s that?
Kate: Who is Hubert?
Jack: I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s go. (Both go to exit. Blackout)