SOMEBODY HAS TO DIE
A “Who-Done-It” Absurd Comedy
For Ensemble
CAST
DAVID WIENER – The senior Patriarch of the Wiener family. Wheelchairbound, and wears a baseball cap. Possibly shows signs of senility. Widowed.
Likes to play slap-and-tickle with his nurse.
CHASTITY WIENER – Sister to David. She lives with him as she is penniless. A
spinster.
BRIDGID CALLEZ– Self-absorbed, manipulative daughter who wants to get her
Father institutionalized so she can get his money. Married many times.
CHANCE WIENER – Loser son who owes big money for gambling debts. He is
helping Bridget get their Father put away.
GUNNER FORCE – Psychiatrist called in to assist Bridget and Chance to legally
institutionalize David Wiener.
HONEY DELIGHT – “Nurse” to David Wiener. Sexy. A gold-digger.
SAUC'E TRAVELER – Cook. Creates “new” recipes which are always very outof-the- ordinary and well, just plain questionable. Sister to Shabb'e.
SHABB'E TRAVELER – Housekeeper. An outright thief, things are always
“misplaced” in the mansion. Sister to Sauc'e.
SHIRLEY HOLMES – A pompous homicide detective.
WATSON – Long-suffering assistant to Shirley.
PLOT
This Who-Done-It comedy takes place in the Weiner residence. Mr. Weiner’s two
children need money and they plan to inherit from their wealthy Father – one way
or the other. But his nurse wants to marry into the family fortune, and his
housekeepers need their jobs! This farcical comedy has an ensemble cast of ten –
all with plenty of secrets… and motive.
SETTING
Interior. A simple sitting room or parlor. The dining tables can be quickly set up by
the actors at the front of the stage during Scene 2 and broken down again at the end
of the act by placing them off to one side of the stage.
TIME
Contemporary.
PROPS


















Wheelchair for David Wiener. (APAC has one at the theater.)
Baseball cap for David Wiener.
Scarf for Brigid, Scene 1.
Purse for Brigid, Scene 1.
Briefcase for Gunner, Scene 1.
2 Folding Tables, Scene 2.
Tableware (Plates, glasses, flatware, tablecloth), Scene 2.
Condiment bottles for the table, Scene 2.
Hot dogs and rolls, Scene 2.
Bib for David, Scene 2.
Cell phone for Gunner, Scene 3.
Note pad for Shirley, Scene 7.
Magnifying glass for Shirley, Scene 7.
Rope, Scene 7.
Bottle of Arsenic, Scene 7.
Frying Pan, Scene 7.
Knife, Scene 7.
Hot Dog, Scene 7.
SOUND AND LIGHTS
No sound effects required. Lights up and down for 8 scenes.
Notes to Cast and Director:
The characters in this play are all very self-absorbed. The Weiner family is
completely unaware of how to pronounce the servants’ names (properly
pronounced Shabb-ay and Sauce-ay - not Shabby and Saucy.) And the servants are
“positively surly.”
Every character has a secret - which will be revealed!
Entrances and exits should happen very quickly.
This is a “madcap” comedy… the more over-the-top acting the better. Especially in
the final two scenes.
1 ACT 1
SCENE 1
(Parlor of DAVID WIENER’s mansion. David sits alone in the room
in his wheelchair. He takes his baseball cap off and drops it on the
floor.)
DAVID
(shouting) Honey! (beat) Honey! (beat) NURSE!!!
(No one immediately answers.)
DAVID
Damn it all!
(He struggles to rise from the wheelchair just as nurse HONEY
DELIGHT enters the room. She is dressed very sexily – definitely
NOT like a nurse. David quickly resettles in his seat as she
approaches.)
HONEY
I’m here! What are you fussing about?
DAVID
I’ve dropped my hat.
HONEY
I’m going to tie a rope to that thing. You’re always dropping it.
(She bends to pick it up. David reaches out and pats her on the butt.
She hands the hat to him.)
HONEY
Mr. Wiener!!! You’re a regular little “David Cop-A-Feel,” aren’t you? (She
pinches his cheek.)
2 DAVID
And you are sticky sweet, just like your name. (He pats his lap, indicating she
should sit there. She wags her finger, gesturing “no” to him and as she goes
around to the back of the wheelchair, SHABB’E TRAVELER, the housekeeper,
enters.)
SHABB’E
(In a very bored manner) You have visitors.
DAVID
I don’t want any. (waving imperiously) Send them away!
SHABB’E
(put-out) It’s your son and daughter.
DAVID
I have no… oh. (querulously) Well, why are they here?
SHABB’E
(annoyed) I didn’t ask.
DAVID
Well, they want something. (beat) Shabby, just send them to their rooms. (He
again waves imperiously. Behind him, Honey also waves imperiously.)
SHABB’E
(under her breath) It’s Shabb’e, you old coot! (As she turns to leave, she secretly
makes an intricate hand sign in his direction as if to hex him.)
DAVID
What did you say?
3 SHABB’E
(She turns and walks back toward him.) What?
DAVID
You said something.
SHABB’E
When?
DAVID
When you were leaving.
SHABB’E
I was?
DAVID
I know you said something.
SHABB’E
I don’t think so.
DAVID
Yes, you did, you old bat.
SHABB’E
What?
DAVID
Go on. (dismissive wave of the hand) We’re done with you for now.
(Behind him, Honey mimics his hand waving.)
SHABB’E
(turns to leave) Old goat.
4 (David address Honey.)
DAVID
I’ll see them later, if I must. (Reaches out for Honey.) Now, where were we, my
sticky sweet little goodie? (Smiling, Honey starts to massage David’s sholders.)
(As Shabb’e is almost exited, BRIGID CALLEZ and CHANCE
WIENER breeze into the room.)
BRIGID
Father, dear! We’re here! (She takes off her scarf and puts it with her purse on a
nearby chair and rushes to her Father to embrace him.)
DAVID
Who asked you to come?
BRIGID
You did, you big silly. (She looks knowingly at her brother and twirls her finger
around her head, indicating his mind is slipping. Honey looks at the children
suspiciously.)
DAVID
No, I didn’t. What do you want? Are you getting married again? Or is it divorced
again? I can’t keep them straight.
(ACTION: In the background, unnoticed by the other actors,
Shabb’e picks up the scarf, wraps it around her neck, mugs a smile
for the audience, then exits.)
BRIGID
Oh Daddy, you know I’ve only had 7 husbands. Let’s see - there were 3 divorces, 4
deaths, and that unfortunate polygamy one that was just so sordid. (thoughtfully)
I’m never sure if I should count that one. (ticking them off with her fingers) But
Daddy, I’m surprised you can’t remember… (She winks at Chance.)
5 DAVID
My little Frigid Brigid. Never could keep a man. (sarcastically) You make a Father
so proud.
BRIGID
But I’m still young, beautiful, and rich.
DAVID
You were never any of those things. (beat) And – let me guess - you don’t have
any money left, do you?
(Chance steps forward to greet his Father.)
CHANCE
Hello, Dad.
DAVID
Ah, yes. Chance. What a prophetic name for a worthless gambler of a son. I know
you want money.
CHANCE
Always.
DAVID
You always were direct. I like that about you. But no money.
BRIGID
Daddy, dear! Such a kidder! We came because you asked us, don’t you remember?
DAVID
I did not!
(Brigid looks knowingly at Chance, then leans in toward her Father.)
6 BRIGID
You do remember who we are, don’t you, Daddy?
DAVID
Yes, I do. Sadly.
(CHASTITY WIENER enters, arms outstretched, very excited to see
the “kids.”)
CHASTITY
Oh children! What a surprise! It’s so good to see you! How are you, my darlings!
BRIGID
Hello, Aunt Chastity. (She gives a shallow embrace to her Aunt.)
CHANCE
(indifferent) Hello.
CHASTITY
Why didn’t you call to let us know you were coming? Your rooms are ready, of
course, they’re always ready for you. Would you like something to eat? I’ll ask
Cook Saucy…
BRIGID
No, thanks, we’re fine.
CHANCE
I could eat…
BRIGID
(to Chance in a stage whisper) Not now, Chance! (back to her Aunt) As I said,
we’re fine. There’s no need to make a fuss. You act as if our arrival is the only
bright spot in your whole boring life!
7 CHASTITY
(pouting) I do Yoga. I’m a lot of fun.
BRIGID
Of course you are, Dear. (beat) But… we will need another room. We’re expecting
a friend.
DAVID
There it is! What is it this time, another gold digger for you to marry? Or maybe
Chance has switched teams…
CHASTITY
Oh, David! It’ll be so lovely, having a guest. Give them a break, won’t you?
DAVID
Why should I?
CHASTITY
Well, you never really loved them as children. (thoughtfully) Or as adults.
DAVID
Maybe so, but they always got my money. Over and over again.
BRIGID
Daddy, please, this man who is coming is our friend.
DAVID
Clearly, whoever he is, he has poor taste.
CHASTITY
Brother, Dear! Stop this bad behavior! (to the Wiener children) Of course he’s
welcome. I’ll have Shabby get another room ready.
(Shabb’e enters)
8 SHABB’E
(grumpily) Another visitor.
BRIGID
Excellent! He’s already here! Show him in, Shabby.
SHABB’E
(under her breath) It’s Shabb’e! Stupid cow!(She secretly makes her hand sign
hexing her, too.)
CHASTITY
Oh, and Shabby? We’ll need another room prepared for him. And ask Saucy to
come in, will you?
(Shabb’e stomps out, making hex signs with both hands.)
BRIGID
Honestly, Daddy, I don’t know why you put up with her. She’s positively surly!
DAVID
She’s foreign. Greek, I think.
BRIGID
Don’t you mean Swedish, Daddy?
DAVID
No. I think she’s an Armenian Nomad. And a grumpy one at that. (beat) I’m tired!
Honey, take me out of here! (He waves his arm upward, imperiously.)
CHASTITY
David, shouldn’t you wait to meet the children’s friend?
DAVID
You meet him. I’m not interested. And I’m tired.
9 CHASTITY
Of course, Dear. Then you should go have a nice lie down.
DAVID
Yes, Honey. Let’s go have a nice lie down. (He winks at the nurse lecherously.) Do
you want to sit on my lap? I’ll push…
(Honey smiles and wheels David out. SAUC’E TRAVELER, the cook,
enters.)
SAUC’E
Shabb’e (pronounced correctly) said you wanted to see me.
CHASTITY
Yes, thank you, Saucy. I wanted to tell you that we’ll be having three more for
dinner this evening. Let’s try to have something especially delicious, shall we?
SAUC’E
If anyone’s vegan, I can fix chicken. But I was planning to serve chicken liver
with egg and horseradish, beans, and cabbage.
CHASTITY
Well, as delicious as that sounds, I think something more… traditional… might be
in order.
SAUC’E
This is a traditional meal from my home in France.
CHASTITY
(frowning) I believe that’s Spain, Dear. But we’ll want something traditionally
American, if you please.
SAUC’E
(under her breath) It’s France.
10 (Like her sister, Sauc’e gives an elaborate hex sign behind her back,
then exits. Shabb’e enters, escorting in GUNNER FORCE, who
carries a briefcase. Brigid rushes forward to greet him.)
BRIGID
Dr. Force! Welcome! Thank you so much for coming! May I present my Aunt,
Chastity Wiener. Aunt Chastity, Dr. Force.
(Gunner puts his briefcase down and reaches for Chastity’s hand.)
GUNNER
Mrs. Wiener. (kissing her outstretched hand) An honor.
CHASTITY
Actually, it’s Miss Wiener. This is certainly a pleasure! If I may ask, how do you
know my niece, Dr. Force?
(ACTION - Shabb’e picks up the briefcase and starts to exit.
However, Gunner notices and reaches out to stop her. )
GUNNER
Thank you. I’ll keep that with me.
(Shabb’e stomps out, making a hex sign.)
GUNNER
(back to Chastity) Please, call me Doctor, Ms. Wiener. I know all about your
nephew (beat) and his sister Brigid. We met at a snooker championship. Chance
suspiciously had an extra card at the end of the hand, but his sister claimed it was
hers. Although she was not playing. I believe they had to leave quickly…
CHASTITY
What a wonderful story! (beat) Well, welcome to you, sir. “Dr. Gunner Force.”
Such a strong name! I suppose it serves you well, since you have people’s lives in
your hands?
11 GUNNER
More than you know. (sly smile) It fits my occupation very well, I believe.
CHASTITY
Well, why don’t we see that you’re all settled in your rooms. We can meet later at
dinner.
BRIGID
Thank you, Aunt Chastity. We’ll be along in a moment. Chance, Dr. Force, could
we stay and speak for a moment, please?
(Chastity exits.)
BRIGID
So, Doctor. Thank you so much for agreeing to come. Do you think - that is - will
we be able to get Daddy institutionalized?
GUNNER
Since I haven’t seen him yet, it’s too soon to tell. But I’m here to give an honest
evaluation of his mental state.
BRIGID
And if, according to you, he’s OK?
GUNNER
Then he cannot be institutionalized.
CHANCE
What if we both swear that he’s senile?
GUNNER
Without my recommendation, I’m afraid you’re out of luck.
12 CHANCE
So what does it take?
GUNNER
Take?
CHANCE
Do you want cash?
GUNNER
(disdainfully) Mr. Wiener, I’m not sure what you’re implying. And if I did, I’m
certain you couldn’t afford me.
BRIGID
Dr. Force, I’m sure my brother only has my Father’s best interests at heart. Let’s
join Aunt Chastity, shall we? But I just need a moment with my brother. If you’ll
excuse us?
(Gunner bows slightly. She hollers for Shabb’e.)
BRIGID
Shabby!
SHABB’E
(Offstage) What!
BRIGID
(embarrassed) Honestly, Shabby! (to Gunner) I’m afraid we’ve been too lenient
with the help and they do take advantage of our good nature. (very loud)
SHABBY! Get in here!
(Shabby enters, grouchy.)
13 SHABB’E
(annoyed) What now?
BRIGID
There you are. Shabby, please show Dr. Force to his room.
(As Gunner exits with Shabb’e, Brigid excitedly grabs Chance by the
arm.)
BRIGID
Did you see? He flirted with me shamelessly!
CHANCE
Who did?
BRIGID
Dr. Force, naturally!
CHANCE
No. He didn’t. Dr. Force is someone who actually exists.
BRIGID
He wants me. I know it. What can I do to look more appealing?
CHANCE
Don’t let him ever see you again.
BRIGID
That was very hurtful! I’m absolutely crushed! (pouting) I don’t know if I’ll ever
be able to get over that.
CHANCE
(half-heartedly) I’m sorry.
14 BRIGID
It’s alright. It’s not your fault. I know you have no filter.
CHANCE
But this is what you always do! Can we please just concentrate on dear old Dad?
This scheme has to work, or…
BRIGID
Or what?
CHANCE
Never mind.
BRIGID
Oh, Chance. Don’t tell me you owe money again!
CHANCE
I just wish our Father had the decency to know when to die.
BRIGID
Leave it to me. I know what I’m doing. I watch a lot of TV.
CHANCE
It’d be easier if he would just do the civilized thing and kick the bucket! I mean,
how long does he expect to live? He’s practically a medical experiment already.
BRIGID
Calm down! You’re as high-strung as Aunt Chastity!
CHANCE
It’s just so stressful, coming here.
15 BRIGID
Relax! I’ve already made it look like Daddy doesn’t remember asking us here.
We’ll have other opportunities to make him seem “confused.” But right now, we’d
better find Aunt Chastity before she scares away my next husband.
(Brigid picks up her purse, looks around for a moment for her scarf,
then frowning, she shrugs and gives a small shake of her head. They
exit.)
FADE OUT
SCENE 2
(Shabb’e, Sauc’e, and Honey are setting up a table for dinner.)
SAUC’E
These people! They bring in three, THREE, extra guests with no notice. And
there’s only the two of us to wipe everybody’s asses. Can’t they count?
SHABB’E
And they never pronounce our names right! EVER! (beat) I’ve put hexes on all of
them!
HONEY
(gasps) Hexes! What kind of hexes?
SAUC’E
Oh, nothing dangerous. Things like gout, or bloat, you know - things like that.
SHABB’E
Speak for yourself. I’ve hexed them with pimples, gas, and bad hair.
16 HONEY
But that’s so sneaky.
SAUC’E
But they’re bad Wieners!
SHABB’E
Besides, there are good hexes, too.
HONEY
Good hexes?
SAUC’E
Yes. Like nice hair, good teeth…
SHABB’E
Oh, yes! Those are good ones! And there’s also pretty feet or a good complexion.
HONEY
Well, you both better just make sure you don’t hex Mr. Wiener! With a bad hex, I
mean.
SAUC’E
Why not? He’s a grumpy old sod.
HONEY
Because I’m going to marry him!
SAUC’E AND SHABB’E TOGETHER
Marry him!
HONEY
Yes. The old fart is in lust with me. He can’t refuse me anything!
17 SHABB’E
So, I’ve been curious… can he still do it?
HONEY
No.
SHABB’E
(grins and elbows Sauc’e) Told you! You owe me $5 bucks.
HONEY
When I become Mistress of this house, there’ll be plenty of changes, I can tell you!
SAUC’E
What kind of changes? Don’t even think about getting rid of us! We’re too old to
lose our jobs!!! You wouldn’t dare!
HONEY
(absentmindedly) Oh, sure. Don’t worry.
(Sauc’e and Shabb’e look at each other worriedly. They make a few
hex signs behind Honey.)
HONEY
But I will make everyone go vegan, there’ll be no caffeine, and I’ll fill the house
with modern art. And then he’ll die!
SAUC’E AND SHABB’E TOGETHER
Die!!!
HONEY
Of course die! I mean, just look at him! He’s ancient! He won’t be around long.
And then I’ll get everything! And nothing for his sister or those stupid kids. (loud,
EVIL laugh)
18 SAUC’E
You’d better hope he doesn’t die before you can get your little scheme in motion.
HONEY
It’s already in motion. I told you, he’s crazy about me.
SHABB’E
Well, I don’t care who’s in charge. Just so we don’t lose our jobs.
HONEY
I have to go. I have to wheel his wrinkly old ass in here for dinner.
(Honey exits)
SAUC’E
Horrible thought.
SHABB’E
What?
SAUC’E
She’s seen his ass.
(Chance enters.)
CHANCE
Has anyone seen my watch? I left it on my bed while I showered.
(The ladies shake their heads “no.” A little smile is on Shabb’e’s
face. The other cast members all wander into the room for dinner.)
CHASTITY
Well, now, Saucy. What culinary delight have you prepared for us?
19 SAUC’E
Wieners, beans, and American fries.
CHASTITY
“American” fries?
SAUC’E
You said you wanted American.
(David Wiener overhears this as he is rolled into the room.)
DAVID
Wieners! I pay you a lot of money just to make us some damn hot dogs!
SAUC’E
(ignoring him) I’ve also made things to dress your wiener. There’s chocolate
sauce, horseradish, and marshmallow.
(Gunner and Chance both stifle a laugh.)
DAVID
This is not funny! This is an outrage!
CHANCE
Well, it’s a little funny.
CHASTITY
Let’s all just sit down and have a nice meal together, shall we?
(They all shuffle around and find seats. David is naturally at the head
of the table, but still wearing his ball cap. Everyone begins to serve
themselves and eat. Sauc’e and Shabb’e stand off to one side.)
20 BRIGID
Honestly, Daddy, take your hat off.
DAVID
I like it on.
CHASTITY
David, please.
DAVID
No! Why the Hell should I take it off for any of you people?
CHASTITY
We have guests! There’s a Doctor here, for Heaven’s sake.
CHANCE
Go ahead, Dad, keep it on.
DAVID
See? At least Chance knows how to suck up to me.
HONEY
(seductively) Let’s just take this dirty old thing off for dinner, shall we? Let
everybody see how handsome you are.
(Honey reaches over and carefully removes the hat and places a bib
on him.)
DAVID
(He reaches over and pats her face, smirking.) And Honey knows how to suck up,
too. (He begins to eat, very messily.)
21 CHASTITY
Honestly, David! (turns to Gunner) Doctor, I’m afraid this meal was less than I
had hoped to offer such a distinguished guest. But we simply cannot bring
ourselves to fire the sisters. They’re getting on in years and they are foreign...
Kurdish, I believe. It would be very difficult for them to find other jobs.
SAUC’E AND SHABB’E
“We’re French!” (under their breaths.)
GUNNER
It’s fine. Dinner’s actually very… interesting.
BRIGID
But as a Doctor, you surely can’t approve of eating wieners! They’re so bad for
you.
GUNNER
Lots of things are bad for you. And you’re right, wieners can be especially bad.
(smiles slyly) But no one lives forever.
CHANCE
Quite right! A man after my own heart!
GUNNER
Very possibly. (beat) I did want to mention that I seem to be wearing boxer shorts
now, but when I arrived I’m certain I was wearing briefs. I’m not certain what
happened, but whoever is responsible is very good… (He looks knowingly at
Shabb’e.)
CHASTITY
Oh, I’m so sorry. Things seem to go missing around here constantly. I’ve
personally lost my mink hat, my tennis racket, and my day-of-the week underwear.
(Sauc’e and Shabb’e smile.)
22 DAVID
(angrily) Well, this dinner has certainly been a disaster! I’m going to bed!
Although I probably won’t get a wink of sleep. I’ll have gas all night! Honey, take
me upstairs.
(Honey jumps up from the table and wipes his face and hands.)
BRIGID
Sleep well, Daddy!
DAVID
I can’t get two hours of sleep without having to pee. And every morning I wake up
with some new abomination on my body like barnacles, skin tags, and hammer
toes.
CHANCE
I thought you woke up with Honey.
DAVID
I don’t know what would be preferable at this point - if I woke up dead or you
people did.
(David and Honey exit.)
CHASTITY
(smiling brightly) Well! Would anyone care for an aperitif?
GUNNER
(pushing away from the table) If you would excuse me, I have an important call to
make. Thank you for dinner.
BRIGID
(disappointed) Oh, must you leave us so early? Let us entertain you! We could
play cards!
23 CHANCE
Yeah! I’ve got $50 bucks to spend!
GUNNER
Although I do find you all very entertaining, I’m afraid card games are not one of
my interests.
BRIGID
(smiling coyly) Well, what is?
CHANCE
For God’s sake, Brigid, give it a break!
CHASTITY
Chance is right, Brigid. It’s very rude to disturb attractive people.
CHANCE
Yes, you’ll have to excuse her. She’s insane.
CHASTITY
Maybe we should call it an early evening and all of us retire.
(Making small talk, they all get up from the table and wander offstage.
Shabb’e and Sauc’e are left onstage, cleaning up.)
FADE OUT
SCENE 3
(In a dimly lit room, Gunner is talking on his cell phone.)
24 GUNNER
Yeah, Boss, I got it. Yeah, sure. If he don’t cough up the $20 grand, he’s a gonner.
(beat) How long you wanna give him? (beat) OK. Two days to pay or he’s a dead
man.
(Gunner hangs up his phone and quickly leaves the room. Chastity
steps into the light. Unseen by Gunner, she has heard everything.)
CHASTITY
Oh no you don’t, “Doctor.” You will not harm my son! I’ll see to it that you never
hurt anyone again!
(She exits. Sauc’e and Shabb’e tiptoe in from the opposite side of the
stage.)
SAUC’E
Did you hear that? The Doctor is a hit man! And he’s going to kill Chance!
SHABB’E
Chastity will never let that happen. He’s her son.
SAUC’E
Yes, and Brigid is her daughter. She’ll kill him.
SHABB’E
(beat) Why would Brigid kill Chance?
SAUC’E
Not Chance – Gunner! Chastity will kill Gunner before she lets him hurt her baby
boy.
SHABB’E
Do you think she’ll ask Brigid to help her kill Gunner?
25 SAUC’E
No. Brigid’s an idiot. She probably has her sights on Gunner as her next husband.
SHABB’E
Maybe they should get married. That would be a fate worse than death! (laughs)
SAUC’E
Well, it’s pretty clear, if we wait long enough, somebody has to die.
(Suddenly, Chastity re-enters the room.)
CHASTITY
Oh, good. You’re here. Saucey, I need to borrow a large frying pan from you. A
heavy one. Preferably cast iron.
SAUC’E
Of course. I’ll get it for you.
CHASTITY
Bring it to my room, please. And mind you, not a word about this.
SAUC’E
Certainly.
(Chastity exits. Sauc’e and Shabb’e nod at one another knowingly and
throw in a couple of hex signs.)
FADE OUT
SCENE 4
(Gunner, Chance, and Brigid are in the parlor.)
26 GUNNER
(to Chance) You, my “friend,” are overdue. The boss has sent me here to collect
the $25k you owe.
CHANCE
But it’s only $20 thousand!
GUNNER
And it’s an extra $5k for my trouble. You think I wanna be in this hell-hole with
you stupid people? You have exactly 24 hours to pay up, or you’re a dead man.
BRIGID
I thought you were a nice, available, Doctor!
GUNNER
Look, Sweetheart, if you wanna help your loser brother, you’d better get the dough
from your old man.
CHANCE
He’ll never give us the money! Even to save my life.
BRIGID
He’s right. Daddy won’t pay!
GUNNER
Then I’m afraid it’s lights out.
(Brigid flings herself into Gunner’s arms.)
BRIGID
(in a throaty manner) Isn’t there something I could give you to change your mind?
27 GUNNER
(pushing her away and shaking his head “no.”) No thanks, Doll. I collect money
or I kill somebody. That’s my job. If I don’t do it, then I’m a dead man.
CHANCE
Wait. I have an idea. What if we paid you to kill our Father instead?
GUNNER
I don’t follow.
CHANCE
If he dies, we inherit. Then there’ll be millions. We pay off your boss and we pay
you handsomely for your… effort.
BRIGID
Chance! That’s brilliant!
(ACTION: Unknown to the others, Honey has just approached the
room. She hears them talking, then stops and listens intently,
keeping herself hidden.)
GUNNER
So, I’m gonna kill the old man.
(ACTION: Gasping, Honey races away before hearing more.)
CHANCE
That’s right.
GUNNER
Even if I do that, I still gotta get the cash to the boss right away.
28 CHANCE
Then it has to be done tonight. As soon as he’s dead, we’ll cash some checks and
get the money. You’ll have it by the deadline.
GUNNER
(chuckles) Yeah, it is a deadline. So how much are you gonna pay me? I don’t
come cheap, you know.
CHANCE
Let’s say… $100 thousand.
(Brigid gasps.)
GUNNER
(sly smile) Let’s say… half a million.
CHANCE
(sighs) OK. Deal!
(They shake hands.)
GUNNER
I’ll go call the boss and tell him he’ll be getting his money. By the deadline.
(laughs uproariously) Deadline! I love it!
(Gunner exits, chuckling.)
BRIGID
Half a million! Chance! That’s so much money!
CHANCE
Don’t worry about it. He’s not getting a cent.
BRIGID
What? … How?
29 CHANCE
He’s got to go.
BRIGID
You don’t mean…?
CHANCE
That’s right. We’ve got to kill him. But it has to be after he’s killed Dad.
(She tilts her head in thought, then nods.)
BRIGID
Right. (beat) (she starts yelling for Shabb’e) Shabby, would you come in here,
please?
(Shabb’e enters.)
BRIGID
Shabby, what kind of poison do you have in the house? I’ve just seen a rather large
rat.
CHANCE
And get me a nice sturdy rope, too. I’ll tie up the body and drop it in the lake.
SHABB’E
Body? What body?
CHANCE
The dead rat.
FADE OUT
30 SCENE 5
(Honey, Sauc’e and Shabb’e are in the parlor.)
HONEY
I’m telling you, I heard it! Gunner is going to kill Mr. Wiener!
SAUC’E
But we can’t let that happen…
SHABB’E
I’m not sure any of my hexes are strong enough for this kind of thing.
HONEY
Screw your hexes. This will take a knife! Sauc’e?
SAUC’E
I’ll get you one.
HONEY
Make sure it’s a big one. And maybe you two can help.
SAUC’E
How?
HONEY
If you think your hexes really work, give him something to slow him down. You
know. To weaken him.
SAUC’E
I could give him irritable bowel syndrome.
SHABB’E
Oh, and I can give him narcolepsy.
31 HONEY
That should do it. But it has to be done tonight, before he can get to David.
FADE OUT
SCENE 6
(Gunner, David, and Honey are in the parlor.)
GUNNER
Mr. Wiener, may I speak with you privately for a moment?
(Honey gasps and shakes her head “No.”)
DAVID
All right. (beat) Honey, give us a moment, please.
HONEY
No! I can’t leave you alone with this… this…
DAVID
Honey, I said leave the room!
(Reluctantly, Honey does leave, but waits just outside the door.)
DAVID
Be sure you close the door, please. And no listening outside the door, either! (He
waits a minute for her to comply.) Now, what was it you wanted?
GUNNER
I have a business proposition for you.
DAVID
What business would I have with you?
32 GUNNER
Your loving children want me to kill you so they can inherit.
DAVID
So. What am I worth? How much are they willing to pay you?
GUNNER
Half a million.
DAVID
(nodding) I see. (beat) When is this supposed to happen?
GUNNER
Tonight.
DAVID
(Thinks for a second) Well, I have a counter offer.
GUNNER
I’m listening.
DAVID
I’ll double it. One million dollars. On one condition.
GUNNER
I’m still listening.
DAVID
Tell them it’s done – that you killed me.
GUNNER
And then?
33 DAVID
And then I’ll deal with them later. Let’s see where this goes. Imagine their surprise
when I greet them tomorrow morning.
GUNNER
(chuckling) Yeah, imagine that. So – we have a deal?
(Gunner reaches out his hand, and he and David shake.)
DAVID
Deal.
FADE OUT
SCENE 6
(Lights out. We hear footsteps, stumbling, squeaks, thuds, and yelps
from the entire cast. Then a LOUD crash. Lights up. The body of
Gunner Force lies in a heap on the floor, face-down, at the foot of the
stairs. All the cast members are gathered around the body.)
DAVID
Somebody call the cops.
FADE OUT
ACT 2
SCENE 7
(Gunner’s body is still on the floor. The entire cast is standing nearby
and SHIRLEY HOLMES, a detective, is addressing them. Her
assistant, WATSON, stands next to her, looking around.)
34 SHIRLEY
My name is Detective Shirley Holmes. I’ve been assigned to this case. Watson,
keep everyone back. I must examine the body.
(Watson stands, arms outstretched, keeping people back as she bends
down to look over the body.)
SHIRLEY
Hmmm. (Standing, she gets out her note pad.) Upon first examination, it looks as
if Dr. Force died of a broken neck. (pointing) You can see - at that angle it is
clearly broken.
(She makes notes on a small pad. Watson stands slightly behind her,
peering over her shoulder.) (Improv comments from cast.)
SHIRLEY
It would seem he fell down the stairs, breaking his neck in the fall. It clearly looks
like an accident. (Frowns at the corpse.) However…
(She pulls out a large magnifying glass and peers closely at the
corpse. Watson’s attention is drawn to a bunch of props scattered
around.)
SHIRLEY
There are marks around his neck, as if he had been strangled. The marks look like
they were made with a ..
(Watson picks up a rope.)
WATSON
Rope.
SHIRLEY
(doesn’t notice Watson) Rope. That could imply wrongful death.
35 (She makes more notes, then squats down and stares again at the
corpse. Watson is still picking up things.) (Improv comments from
cast.)
SHIRLEY
(Rising quickly) The back of his head is bashed in! It’s easy to see because he’s
bald. Although what hair he has left looks like he had terrible split ends. Maybe
some kind of chemical effect.
(She makes more notes.) (Improv comments from cast.)
WATSON
(showing a small bottle) Arsenic.
SHIRLEY
Still, it is a very large dent. It could have been made by being struck with a large
object like a…
WATSON
(brandishing a pan) Frying pan.
SHIRLEY
Frying pan. That would clearly NOT be accidental! (looking up the stairs) Unless
he struck the back of his head during his fall… (looks again at the back of the
corpse) But there also appears to be a handprint on the back of his shirt. So
someone could have shoved him down the stairs.
(More notes. ACTION: Watson is comparing his handprint to the
one on Gunner’s back – then the cast starts to do the same thing.
Shirley swats at Watson.) (Improv comments from cast.) (Shirley
bends over the corpse and rolls it over. Watson picks up a knife under
the body.)
WATSON
Knife.
36 SHIRLEY
There’s a knife wound in his chest! MURDER! But - I also see a plate with
remnants of…
(Watson picks up a hot dog.)
WATSON
A wiener.
SHIRLEY
A weiner! So perhaps he went for a late-night snack, stumbled, and fell on the
knife when he tumbled down the stairs, accidentally breaking his neck, and
bashing his head.
(Frantic note taking. Watson shakes his head, doubtful. ) (Improv
comments from cast.)
SHIRLEY
Ah-ha! See here. (pointing) There is a sticky residue on his mouth. Possibly from a
seizure, which could have caused him to fall down the stairs. BUT it could also be
poison!
(Watson taps her on the shoulder, which she ignores.)
WATSON
Arsenic.
(Improv comments from cast.)
(Shirley bends over, pulls his mouth open by the jaw, and peers in.)
SHIRLEY
Ugh! He has very bad breath. Chemicals or maybe poison?
WATSON
(sighing) Arsenic.
37 SHIRLEY
But there’s a bit of hot dog lodged in his throat. He could have choked, which
could have made him fall… (She does some chest compressions on the dead body
and a piece of hot dog is coughed up in a huge arc over everyone’s heads.)
(Improv comments from cast.)
DAVID
A Wiener killed him!
(Ignoring the comment, Shirley looks up at the top of the stairs.)
SHIRLEY
However, I see the rug at the top of the stairs is badly wrinkled. That may be the
reason he tripped in the first place. Just bad housekeeping.
(Improv comments from cast.) (More notes. She turns to address the
cast, raising her hands to silence them.)
(ACTION: As she speaks, Watson is behind her pantomiming the
things that she says.)
SHIRLEY
(consulting her notepad and checking items off her list) So, what do we have? We
have possible death by falling, tripping, or being pushed; (beat) strangling; bashing
his head or smacking it; (beat) deliberate or accidental stabbing; (beat) poison or
seizure or choking; (beat) bad breath, (beat) and bad hair.
(Closing her notepad, she addresses the cast.)
SHIRLEY
My years of experience as a detective tell me that this is probably a wrongful
death. But the injury that actually killed him remains unknown. For all I know, any
one of you may have tried to kill him.
(Improv comments from cast.) (Watson rolls his eyes.)
38 SHIRLEY
Except for you, Mr. Wiener. You are the only person in this house who doesn’t
have the physical capability to do any of these things to Mr. Force. You’re clearly
an innocent man.
(David grins happily.)
DAVID
Of course I’m innocent! Anything else would be preposterous.
SHIRLEY
I need to establish everyone’s possible motive for killing him. You might have all
worked together to kill him. But are any of you smart enough to have coordinated
this?
WATSON
(speaking over Shirley’s shoulder) Alibis.
SHIRLEY
And, of course, we’ll need everyone’s alibi. But it is also possible that his death
was just a huge accident.
(Watson shakes his head “no.”)(Improv comments from cast.)
SHIRLEY
So now, I’m going to have to take every one of you in for questioning. Mr.
Wiener, you may remain behind. I’ll be back later to get your interview. Right now
I need to separate you all and get your statements. This isn’t over. Let’s go!
(Watson escorts everyone off stage, with Shirley following, except
David in his wheelchair, who is left alone on stage.) (ACTION: After
they have all exited, David grabs hold of the arms of his wheelchair
and pulls himself up. He walks over to a table, snags a piece of
candy from a candy dish, and walks offstage.)
39 DAVID
(self-satisfied laughter)
FADE OUT
SCENE 8
(Shirley is speaking to the entire cast, who are seated in the parlor,
including David Wiener in his wheelchair. Watson is also in
attendance, standing by.)
SHIRLEY
I’ve completed my investigation. And, I must say, the results are shocking.
Shocking! Each and every one of you had motive to kill Gunner Force. But before
I go any further, has anyone seen my winning lottery ticket?
(Everyone shakes there head innocently.)
WATSON
I have.
SHIRLEY
Oh, good. Where is it?
WATSON
I have no idea.
SHIRLEY
You just said you’ve seen it!
WATSON
I have seen it, but I have no idea where it is now.
40 SHIRLEY
(back to the house members) So there’s a thief among you, too. Well, I want it
back! I am a detective, you know. I will find out who took it.
(She takes a deep breath, then continues. Behind Shirley, Watson
shakes his head “no.”)
SHIRLEY
Alright, then. As a result of my investigation, a very convoluted scenario was
exposed. First, we have Chance, who owes a $20,000 gambling debt to the mob.
Gunner Force was their hit man.
(Gasps and Improv from the cast)
SHIRLEY
Oh, don’t even bother acting surprised. There’s not one of you who doesn’t already
know that.
(Shrugs, nods, and murmurs from the cast.)
SHIRLEY
So his orders were to either collect the money or knock off Chance. Well! Chance
would obviously defend himself, and his sister Brigid would help. After all, she
has lost a LOT of husbands under suspicious circumstances, hasn’t she?
(Shrugs, nods, and Improv murmurs from the cast.)
BRIGID
That’s not fair! I fall in love easily. Some of them were … sickly. And old.
WATSON
Moving on.
41 SHIRLEY
(dismissively) Yes. THEN… surprisingly, Chastity decided to kill Gunner. And do
you know why?
(Cast shakes heads “no.”)
SHIRLEY
Because she overheard Gunner’s threat to kill Chance and (big reveal!) she is
Chance and Brigid’s real Mother! Her son was in danger and she couldn’t allow
that.
(Oohs from the cast.)
BRIGID
That’s not true! Our Mother died!
CHANCE
(Turns toward Chastity, arms tentatively outspread.) Mom?
CHASTITY
It’s true! (She holds out her arms to them both and they rush in to hug her.) My
darlings!
WATSON
We need to keep moving. (They all quickly return to their seats.)
SHIRLEY
So Chance, Brigid, and Chastity wanted him dead. Which brings us to Miss
Delight. Honey overheard Gunner talking about killing David Wiener. She was
planning to marry him for his money, so obviously, she wanted Gunner dead too.
(Nods from the cast)
42 SHIRLEY
What you don’t know is that Honey’s been tried in three states for the suspicious
death of old men she used to “nurse.” But she was never found guilty – there was
never enough proof. So it would be nothing for her to kill off Gunner. He’d be just
another name on her list.
(Loud gasps from the cast)
SHIRLEY
Ah ha! (smugly) Didn’t know that, did you? But that still leaves us with Sauc’e and
Shabb’e Traveler. You all know that they’re Gypsys.
(Everyone agrees except Chastity, who reacts by looking puzzled and
shaking her head “no.”)
WATSON
They’re French.
SHIRLEY
But they left their home country under suspicious circumstances. Sauc’e may have
“accidentally” poisoned her employer using the wrong mushrooms. Or he might
have “accidentally” died when a vase fell on his head, after Shabb’e had just
dusted the room. So they are either clever murderers or very bad at their jobs.
SHABB’E
Mais non! (pronounced “may noh”)
SAUC’E
Ce n’est pas vrai! (pronounced “sin nay pa vray”)
CHASTITY
(chidingly) We only speak American here.
43 SAUC’E AND SHABB’E
Pardonnez-nous. (pronounced “par doh ney new”)
WATSON
Pas de problem. (pronounced pah dee prahb lem)
SHIRLEY
(to Watson) What on Earth was that?
WATSON
Well, Shabb’e said “But no!” and Sauc’e said “It’s not true!” and then they both
said “Pardon us.” And I said “No problem.” (chidingly) In French.
SHIRLEY
(annoyed) All right, all right. Watson, would you please share the results of the
Coroner’s report?
WATSON
(Ticking items off with his fingers.) Unable to pinpoint the precise cause of death.
Any of his injuries could have killed him. No fingerprints except mine on any of
the murder weapons.
SHIRLEY
Yes, that was wrong of you.
WATSON
My bad.
SHIRLEY
So. (tiredly) Anything else?
WATSON
Alibis.
44 SHIRLEY
Yes. And you have all provided alibis for one another. This is exhausting! Watson,
a synopsis, if you would, please.
WATSON
Chance, Brigid, and Chastity playing cards; Honey with Mr. Wiener; Sauc’e and
Shabb’e cleaning up, blah, blah, blah.
SHIRLEY
(angrily) Well, I, for one, don’t believe a word of it! From anyone! There’s not a
single honest person in this room!
(She takes a deep breath to regain her self-control.)
SHIRLEY
Except for you, Mr. Wiener, of course. Please forgive me for my outburst.
DAVID
(smiling) Certainly.
SHIRLEY
I’m sure at least one of you is a murderer. And I know all of you are guilty of
attempted murder and conspiracy to commit murder. But. We. Can. Not. Prove. It.
CHANCE
So now what?
BRIGID
Yes, are we done here?
SHIRLEY
(defeated) Yes. We’re done. I’m leaving. You all disgust me! (beat) I’m keeping
my eye on all of you. And I want my lottery ticket back, too! (Shouts to Watson.)
Watson! Let’s go!
45 (They exit.)
CHASTITY
Well, thank God that’s finally over! Let’s go break out the bubbly! Saucy, if you
would do the honors?
(Improv comments from cast.) (Everyone is very happy and excited,
dancing around, hugging, and jumping up and down as they exit the
stage.)
SAUC’E
It’s Sauc’e, you old cow.
(She and Shabb’e both stomp out, making hex signs as they exit,
leaving David alone on stage.)
DAVID
(He reaches into his front pocket and pulls out the stolen lottery ticket
for the audience to see, laughing uproariously.)
END