On Fitting In
By Matt Green, Head of Upper School
Good morning third formers, members of the Class of 2020, may the clear and discerning
vision that is implicit in your title be your ultimate legacy. We have been busily
preparing for your arrival and, impatiently, we look forward to sharing the school year
with all of you. Whether you have been here since pre-kindergarten or you are beginning
your first academic year at Haverford, whether you have been practicing hard on the field
for the past two weeks or have been savoring your last few days of summer and preparing
for school at home, each of us, in his own particular way, feels a bit new this morning.
Seven years ago my son was new to Haverford, and then four years ago, he was sitting in
one of your seats, new to the Upper School, and as of this morning, he is completing his
sixth day in college. That is to say, there is nothing new about newness; in some ways,
it’s the very soil that nourishes us. But like most worthwhile endeavors, it’s not easy, and
so the focus of today is do what we can to familiarize you with what ultimately become
routine, and to introduce you to many of the values that bind our community together.
Before I turn you over to Mr. Fifer, I’d like to spend about five minutes talking to you
about a pretty simple topic which, for lack of a better term, I will call “fitting in.” We
have all heard the phrase, “I don’t fit in,” or “It just wasn’t the right fit.” Given its
familiarity, I want to offer you my thoughts on what it means and what it does not mean
in the Upper School. Unity and its close cousin community are important here. When
you come to Haverford, you sign on to a set of unifying values and I hope you find that
fitting in at Haverford means nothing more than living by these values. For example, to
fit in at Haverford is to treat others as we hope to be treated, that is with dignity, respect,
honesty, and fairness. Fitting in means pursuing excellence in whatever area, but
particularly in scholarship. Fitting in here means doing your best. You will fit in if you
reject superficiality, materialism and a sense of entitlement, if you avoid cliques,
snobbery and other similar forms of exclusivity, if you seek out and include others at
every opportunity. Fitting in means agreeing that every student is entitled to feel safe in
school, free not only from any kind of bullying or physical threat, but also from verbal
abuse or derision, fitting in here means that you value working and learning along side
people with different perspectives and life experiences and that you live by that the old
Atticus Finch adage, “You never really understand a person until you consider things
from his point of view — until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” It is no
accident that you are so different in culture, race, ethnicity, faith, background, politics,
and interests. Diversity is the catalyst for learning. You are one another’s best resources
and the less his experience has mirrored yours, the more you will learn from him. If you
are fascinated by ideas, if you like to solve problems, if you want to learn, if you take
satisfaction in a job well done, you will fit in here.
Which leads me to my second point, what fitting in does NOT mean at Haverford.
Above all, fitting in does not mean sacrificing your individuality or your principles.
Fitting in is not about trying to figure out what the teacher wants you to say or think and
spitting it back on a test. Fitting in does not mean adopting the popular position as your
own. It’s not about having the same kind of phone, or shoes, or haircut, playing the same
sport or activity, as everyone else. Fitting in is not about remaining silent while others are
being mistreated. Fitting in is not about remaining silent while someone else cheats or
lies or steals. Remaining silent while friends endanger themselves with reckless or selfdestructive behavior. Never compromise your health or safety in the name of fitting in.
I hope that you will not fit in here if you think your victories can only come at the
expense of someone else’s losses or if you seek popularity at the expense of someone
else’s pain. I hope you don’t fit in if you’re a “It’s not my problem” kind of person. I
expect that you’ve heard the story about four people named Everybody, Somebody,
Anybody, and Nobody, which goes like this: “There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but
Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody
wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what
Anybody could have done.” Fitting in at Haverford means taking responsibility for your
school community, not waiting for someone else to fix it.
I’d like to conclude with three pieces of advice for you and not those delivered by one
Homer Simpson, who said, Bart, I want to share with you the three little sentences that
will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: That’s a good idea, Boss!
And Number 3: It was like that when I got here. No, instead, if you have any lingering
questions about what it means to fit in at Haverford, it can boil down to this. The famous
American novelist, Henry James, once gave this advice to his young nephew, Billy:
"There are three things that are important in human life. The first is to be kind. The
second is to be kind. The third is to be kind."