Wellbeing Information Sheet
When you are concerned about a friend
When a friend or someone else you care about is causing you concern it’s natural to want to
help and sometimes to feel anxious or unsure what to do or say.
Here are some of the many situations students can find themselves in:
A friend…
• has asked you to keep a secret but you feel it is too much to cope with
• has changed a lot recently in appearance, behaviour or personality
• has stopped going out or talking about themselves or attending lectures
• seems to be on a self-destruct mission
• has told you they do not want to live anymore, or
• is causing you concern in some other way.
This information sheet offers some suggestions to help you to respond appropriately and to
manage your own anxiety about the situation.
Approaching your friend
Sometimes it is difficult to know what to do or say to a friend you are concerned about. You
might worry about the consequences: for example, you might fear that talking about your
concerns will make the situation worse (although this is very unlikely), or that your friend will
think you are interfering or nagging, or become angry with you.
Choose a time when you are on your own with your friend, preferably in a quiet, private
place. Somewhere where you feel comfortable. People can feel most comfortable on their
own territory so a time when you are together in your friend’s room might offer a suitable
opportunity. Try to make sure that you are not disturbed, and don’t forget to put your mobile
in silent mode.
Gently tell them that you are concerned about them and explain what it is you are worried
about. If it is something you find difficult or sensitive to talk about or you fear how your friend
may react, let them know this:
“I don’t quite know how to talk to you about this, and I don’t want you to think I am having
a go or anything, but I care about you and am really worried about you.”
If your friend wants to talk
Try to make sure your friend has your full attention and listen carefully to what he or she is
saying. It’s really easy to interrupt someone because you want to offer reassurance and make
them feel better, but try to hold back and focus completely on what they are saying.
Sharing similar feelings or experiences can help your friend not to feel alone, but try to avoid
saying “I know how you feel” (as you probably don’t), or “the same thing happened to me” (no
experience can be exactly the same for different people), or going into long stories of how
your situation mirrors theirs. This can leave someone feeling silenced or less important as it
can seem as if your experience is as or more important than theirs.
You could let your friend know how you feel about what they are telling you:
“I feel sad/frustrated/annoyed by what is happening/what has happened to you.”
This lets him or her know that you have been listening to what they have been saying.
Ask your friend what they think would be helpful or what they think they need. It’s important
that they keep as much control over their life as they can, so try to avoid making decisions for
them based on what you think they need. Try not to tell your friend what you would do in
their situation.
You could remind your friend that there is professional help available and you could give him
or her information on the support services available (see the Resource List). You might then
wait a few days before you ask them how they are feeling and if they have talked to anyone
about their problems or concerns. If they haven’t, you could explore with them any reasons
that might be holding them back. You could also offer to go with your friend to a first
appointment for moral support.
Offering support yourself
Stay calm
Try to keep as calm as possible. Appearing anxious can sometimes increase the anxiety of the
person you’re with.
Avoid feeling responsible
Remember too that you are not responsible for another’s actions, thoughts, feelings or beliefs
even when that person is very close to you; what you are responsible for is your own actions,
thoughts, feelings and beliefs. None of us really have the power to make other people think,
feel or act in a particular way.
Set limits
You need to think about, and then decide, how much time, energy and attention you are able
to give. This is not a reflection of how much you care - it is about making sure that you look
after your own needs too. It won’t help your friend or you if you take on too much and then
find you can’t cope or that you begin to feel resentful.
Many people in distress worry about overburdening others. If you set boundaries and limits
and stick to them, this may actually help your friend believe he or she isn’t being a burden to
you or taking up too much of your time. For example, if your friend calls and you are just
about to go out, let him or her know you can only talk for, say, 5 minutes, but then arrange
another time when you will be free to talk or meet for longer.
Say when you feel uncomfortable
If your friend does something that makes you feel uncomfortable, for example, sends you
distressing texts and then doesn’t answer when you return their call, explain calmly the effect
this has on you: for example, increasing your concern, or making you panic or feel frustrated.
Always try to take ownership of your own feelings by saying “I feel…” rather than “You make
me feel…” This latter might make your friend feel that you blame them for how you feel.
You have a choice
You have a choice about the level of support or help your offer to a friend. Before you offer to
be a key source of support for a friend in difficulties reflect on whether you really do have the
skills, experience, personal resources and time to do this. It can be more damaging to offer a
level of support that you cannot sustain than never to have offered it at all. You are still being
a good friend if you show that you really care, and say that you don’t have the experience and
knowledge to help them in the way that you feel that they need to be helped. You can offer
what you know you can provide – for example going to see them or going out with them – but
suggest that more professional advice would be appropriate too.
Looking after yourself
If you decide that you do want to provide significant ongoing support for your friend, make
sure you continue to look after yourself, both physically and emotionally. Take time out for
yourself to do the stuff you enjoy, either on your own or with other friends. Try not to feel
guilty about having a good time when your friend is unhappy: you are still entitled to have
fun. Keep up with the activities and relationships that are important to you.
If you can, involve others so that your friend has a support team and is not just relying on you.
If your friend insists on keeping things a secret between the two of you, try to explain the
effect this is having on you:
“I know that you find it difficult to trust people, but I am finding it quite stressful being the
only person who knows, and I wonder if there is at least one of our other friends we could
tell?”
If helping your friend makes you feel anxious and upset, don’t hesitate to seek professional
advice and support.
If your friend doesn’t want to talk
If your friend really doesn’t want to talk when you raise your concerns, let them know that
you are there for them if they do want to talk at another time. You could ask if there is
anything else you can do to help apart from listening or talking, such as spending time
studying, socialising, or doing something practical with or for them. You could ask if there is
someone else they might find it easier to talk to, such as another friend, a family member,
their Advisor, a GP, or someone in the Dean of Students’ Office.
Remind them of the range of services available to all students at UEA – the Resources section
at the end of this leaflet outlines the key provision. If you remain very concerned but don’t
know what else to do, seek help and advice for yourself from one of these services.
Confidentiality
Trust is a very important part of friendship, and no-one would willingly betray that trust in
normal circumstances. If you feel that you do need to talk to someone else about your
concerns, it is often possible to discuss them without revealing your friend’s name or personal
details.
However, if it becomes necessary to give personal details to move forward, you might feel
able to ask your friend for his or her permission first. If they refuse you may need to make it
clear that you are so concerned about them that you feel that you must speak to someone
else, if only to help you manage your own feelings. In the end you need to trust your own
judgment on this, and do what you think is best. It may help you to talk over your concerns
with someone in the Dean of Students’ Office. If you do this, you can be sure that DOS staff
will not pass on any information you give them, or contact your friend, unless they believe
there is a serious risk of harm to the student concerned or others, and they would always
endeavor to discuss this with you first.
Responding to emergencies
If you’re not sure how serious something of a mental health or physical health nature is the
NHS 111 telephone line might be a useful resource. A trained medical adviser will be able to
offer guidance.
If you become concerned about your friend’s immediate safety, or the safety of others or
yourself, you should contact their GP, or call for an ambulance and/or the police, even if you
do not have your friend’s permission to do so.
If your friend has taken an overdose of tablets, or harmed themselves in another serious
manner, you should make sure that they get straight to the Accident and Emergency
Department. If you are in any doubt call 999 for an ambulance. If you are on the University
campus, call Security on 2222, tell them where you and your friend are, and ask them to call
an ambulance for you – they will be able to direct the ambulance to the right part of the
campus.
Summary
This leaflet has provided a brief outline of some of the key issues and responses for students
who are concerned about the wellbeing of their fellow students. It has suggested ways in
which you might be able to offer advice and support to your friend, and also outlined some of
the key sources of support and advice available. It has also emphasised the importance of
making sure that when you are offering support to a friend in difficulty you remember to look
after yourself at the same time.
If you would like to talk to someone in more detail about the issues raised, contact one of the
advisers in the Dean of Students’ Office (contact details below).
Resource List
UEA Services
The Dean of Students’ Office (DOS) provides wide-ranging confidential advice and guidance to any student
experiencing difficulties of any kind. Telephone: 01603 592761; email: [email protected]; website
www.uea.ac.uk/students
DOS General Advisers offer confidential advice to students experiencing a wide range of difficulties
and to their friends. Telephone: 01603 592761 email: [email protected]
DOS Counsellors and Mental Health Advisers offer confidential counselling and advice to help
students resolve issues and/or find ways of coping more effectively. Telephone: 01603 592761 email:
[email protected]
DOS Senior Residents in University Accommodation – are available evenings and weekends for help
and advice and referral to specialist advisers. Contact details are available in kitchens in residences and
on the DOS website (follow the links from Life in Residences).
University Medical Services (UMS) operate both booked appointments and a system to access a doctor
urgently during working hours. In an emergency they should be able to offer advice and/or an appointment on
the same day. Students who contact them in the evenings or at weekends will be put through to an out-ofhours service. Telephone: 01603 251600;
email: [email protected]; web site: https://portal.uea.ac.uk/dos/wellbeing/uea-medical-and-dental-practice
Nightline is a confidential listening service for students, run by students every night during semesters.
Telephone: 01603 503504
External organizations and resources
The NHS 111 Service offers free non-emergency healthcare advice 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Trained
advisers will ask a series of questions to assess symptoms and immediately direct the caller to the best medical
care. Telephone 111; website:
http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/Emergencyandurgentcareservices/Pages/NHS-111.aspx
The Samaritans’ confidential helpline, email and web resources are available for those with emotional
problems or concerns about others 24hrs a day, 365 days a year. Telephone: 08457909090; email:
[email protected] ; website: www.samaritans
Saneline is a national help line for out of hours advice and information (6pm to 11pm every day of the year)
The website includes useful information about mental illness. Telephone: 0300 304 7000;
website: www.sane.org.uk/what_we_do/support/helpline
Emergency numbers
Emergency Services (police, ambulance, fire): 999
UEA Security: 01603 592352 (non-emergency) 01603 592222 (emergency)
DOS May 2015