THE NEWSPAPER (?) OF THE UNIVERSITY OF VICTORIA ENGINEERING STUDENTS’ SOCIETY, STREAM B
Vol. 24, Issue 2
Feb. 20, 2015
ESS TO HOST GAMESTREAM
DREAM TEAM ON TWITCH
GET OUT YOUR SUPREME MEME CRÈME, IT’S ALL FOR CHARITY
ALSO! HEX SUDOKU.
UBC CHALLENGES US —
PG. 2
24 HOUR GAMESTREAM ON TWITCH —
PG. 3
MEET THE NEW EXEC (BELATEDLY) —
PG. 5
YOU’RE GREEN WITH IT! - FOLLOW US FOR MORE NEWS AND STUFF
h ps://www.facebook.com/groups/uvicess/
@UvicESS
‘fishwrap’ (yeah IK)
send all submissions to [email protected]. really, come on now. Don’t be lazy. What would your mama say?
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UVIC VISITS UBC AND IS LOVED BY ALL!
On Friday 7th, 2015 as per ancient tradition, UBC Vancouver invited the University of Victoria
out for a cup run. When a cup run is called, the school called is asked to bring as many people as
they can to the other school to join in festive cheer. However, there is a catch: You only have 6
hours! When called at 2pm UVic made it to UBC Vancouver in just under 5.89 hours! Success!
Your President, Tim Erdmer, took the opportunity to share with UBC all the pride of UVic
through activities such as: Dancing, singing, storytelling, smiling, pointing at things, and most
importantly, by laughing. We were then invited to join the UBC Engineers at their 96th annual
Engineer’s Ball. Delicious dinner was served and the winners of their E-Week were announced.
One of the more notable winners was the first year students in the film festival challenge. Of
course, it isn’t too hard to win when the undeclared first years get a chance to rip on ALL of the
departments and present it in a Game of Thrones style.
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UVIC ENGINEERS BEGIN TO TWITCH
”YES, IT’S UNTREATABLE, BUT IT’S FOR A GOOD CAUSE”, SAYS DIR. CHARITY
This term the UVic Engineering
hope to raise as much money as
Student Society has began new
possible. Anyone (specifically
Stream Schedule
ventures in philanthropy here on you [yes, you!]) is encouraged to
campus. From Friday February
come out and play [see the ESS
20th 6:00pm - February 21th
GameStream page for details],
6:00pm the ESS will be hosting a watch, and hopefully donate.
24 hour Charity Game Stream in Gamers with any range of gamthe ECS 2nd floor lobby. All pro- ing skill are welcome because
ceeds go toward Child's Play - a people are paying good money
charity geared toward improving to see you kick ass - or produce
the lives of hospitalized children some laughs from you being tea
by means of games and toys. In
-bagged in Halo. People coming
the 24 hour duration, Engineer-
out are highly encouraged to
ing students will be playing
bring their own hardware
early 2000's and came out of a
games ranging from Castle
(because we aren't made of PC's
box of Corn Pops).
Crashers to Cards against Hu-
bruh) and unique games (bonus
Please visit our Twitch at http://
manity which will be stream live
points for obscure stuff that
www.twitch.tv/UvicESS and Do-
to an audience of donators in
hasn't been played since the
nate Donate DONATE!
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FRIDAY FEBRUARY 20TH-21ST 6PM-6PM
http://twitch.tv/uvicess
CHECK OUT THE FACEBOOK EVENT FOR SCHEDULE OF GAMES
Here have a poster!
SECOND FLOOR ECS LOBBY AND ECS 250 & 258
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ESS EXEC!
Gosh golly, we’re already some 45-ish days into this term, and we haven’t introduced the various members of
the ESS Executive! So we’re doing that now, look.
[1.] Tim Erdmer, President
Meet Tim Erdmer, pianist, debonaire, corn-bread fanatic, amateur
notary public, and, since his bloodless January coup, our new President. Tim represents the latest in cat-based stem cell technology.
Hailing from the Naval Research Lab in Norfolk, VA, our new president was built with one purpose in mind: business. When he’s not
disarming terrorists with his smile, Tim privately enjoys drinking copious quantities of water, the amount which would cause most people to ask, “why is this happening to me? Why did karma show me
these unholy sights?” You’d think it’s unhealthy, but it’s not.
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[2.] Brandon Hart, Vice-President, Academic
When Brandon was a young boy his father took him to the city and there he
saw a marching band and decided to join the black parade, have you wondered how a USB feels on your scalp? “With another hop and a bound there
came into view a man, or so it seemed. At any rate he was too large and
heavy for a hobbit, if not quite tall enough for one of the Big People, though
he made noise enough for one.” –Mitch Cross, upon meeting Brandon
[3.] Mitchell ‘Crass’ Cross, Vice-President, External
Before he was a young boy, Mitchell Cross, your darling VP External, had to congeal
into being from a vat of primordial essence also known as the grease trap dumpster
behind a McDonalds. In his spare time (JKs, he’s in engineering), he enjoys the exhilarating pursuits of getting uncomfortably turnt up, mobbing the locker rooms of professional sports teams, and the design of the perfect dry rib recipe. He also likes long
walks on the 2nd floor of the library, and watching his own belly button. Mitchell is
always down for an iced lolly or a bag of fizzing whizzbees. Don’t be a stranger!
[4.] Darren Gervais-Harrison, Vice-President, Finance
While Darren Gervais-Harrison has been on this earth for the past quarter century, his
beard has existed since the beginning of 0me. Formed during the big bang, Darren's beard
first floated throughout space free from 0me and all ma er un0l around 5000BC, where it
crashed to earth like some hairy comet, burying itself deep into the ground, possibly lost
forever. From there it was discovered by a simple group of tribesmen, to which it latched
itself onto their faces like that one scene in Alien and formed the nomadic group we know
as the Vikings today. Darren's beard was one of the first true explorers of North America,
giving the Vikings the strength to fight all the sea monsters and I'm sure a bunch of….
[5.] Josh Ewart, Director of Events
...other messed up stuff out on the ocean. Once in Canada, Darren's beard parted itself
from the host and eventually blew wisply on the breeze tumbleweed style for many years
un0l it made it's way over to North Bay Ontario where it latched onto a small child. That
child would be the babe Darren Gervais-Harrison and eventually would go on to grow into
his beard and gain back the strength of the Vikings and probably be able to shoot flames
from his eyes if he concentrated right. Since then, Darren has kept the beard under control
and works as the humble VP of Finance at the ESS, and while his eyes can melt hearts; do
not underes0mate the power that hides beneath his nose. (SORRY JOSH)
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[6.] Graeme Bates, Director of Services
AKA “Mini”: Raised by a pack of wolves in a Chinese forest, Graeme went on to be a
German U-boat captain in WW2. Being a Time Lord, he has the ability to travel
through 0me and went to colonize Mars in the year 2050. Bored with being ruler of
Mars, he decided that he would travel to the now, to blend in with people looking
his age in University. Here to get a degree in SoFware Engineering, he's your current Director of Services. Be er see him quickly before he travels to the future and
helps to colonize a new solar system!
[7.] Michael Funk, Director of Corp. Relations
Michael Funk is not a man, but an idea; an algorithm made by the combined powers of the
Illumina0, Masons, the Friars Club, Kanye West, the NSA, CIA, FBI, Homeland Security, 2Pac
and Biggie. His purpose was originally the systema0c takeover of the First World, but was
quickly re-purposed to make emojis and the term "bruh" popular to an already seemingly
borderline remedial demographic of swaglords and twi er bunnies. A por0on of his life was
spent in French Canada which was ques0onable to say the least. He now carries out his days
in a small society of engineering socialites who spend their 0me complaining about Python
and the exorbitantly high price of alcohol in BC. They put him to work nailing beer-stained tshirts to walls and welding kegs together for the amusement factor alone.
[8./9.] Alex Laing + Colton Hyland, Directors of
Communcations (that’s us)
Colton Hyland, aka “Too-Cool for Skule”, originates
from the cold, hipster city of Yelizovo, a semiautonomous city in Kamchatka, Russia known for its
moonshine, alien abductions and gulags. He was
born into poverty but quickly built up an empire
made of street urchin thugs and took over the majority of the Russian army before making a break for the
west and what some call freedom. Since arriving Colton has worn a lot of scarves, developed a toenail
fetish and had seven hairs cut. He can be heard beAlexander is a swag meister. He grew up in Compton on the streets with 50 cent but then followed his
heart to the engineering world. He spends his days picking flowers making daisy chains and dreaming
of his past thug life. He wishes to pursue a career in basket weaving and horse back riding, but not until
he makes tubes and wires like a boss .
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[10.] Jordan Vlieg, Director of IT
Jordan comes from a long line of bankers going back to the year 1618. In that year
the Nederlaandsche Genootschaap van Nieuuwe Guildijbautens (NGNG), headed by
his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather Henkerhonk Vlieg, conquered
the island of Aceh for King Willem VI of Oranje. Subsequently they found large
quantities of precious memes which the native Aceh tribes had stockpiled over
thousands of years, and became filthy rich. 400 years later, Jordan has broken away
from his family and gone into IT instead, because “the bitcoin game ridiculous”.
[11.] Alex Wadey, Director of Sport
Wadey does sports and goes ham like a mother hubbard. You will recognize
him approaching you by a faint chugging sound and his prized brass whistle,
which he sounds whenever he goes through a doorway, as if he’s a train. He can
go for days without eating anything except salted ham. #porksweats Before he
knew what the ESS was, Wadey was working on a mixtape with Pharrell and the
president of Comcast, but then he realized that you can gain a lot more street
cred by hanging out in ELW 206 and browsing Reddit all day. God bless.
[12.] Eric Power, Director of Student Relations
Then out spake brave Powers, the captain of the frosh:
“To every first-year at this school we must bring drinks and nosh.
And how else shall we welcome them, but sharing frosty beers
With their fellow upperclassmen from the UVic Engineers?”
Eric’s a scholar and a poet. He wrote that poem. About himself.
[13.] Micah Berghuis, Secretary
A talented actor, comedian and writer, Micah has come a long way from doing
stand-up comedy as a teen. He was born in Belarus, to Olga, a social worker, and
Vladimir. He attended a private school in Nepal with the monks. At 18, he went on a
spiritual adventure to the Amazon rainforest where he decided to begin a transformation into a plant. He learned how to photosynthesize and chose to become the
ESS secretary where the main job is watering the plant. This would be the perfect
position to complete his transformation. So next time you see the plant in the ESS
office make sure you say hi to Micah!
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[14./15.] Leigh Borrett + Jason Syrotuck, Charity
Co-Ordinators
Leigh brings a variety of charity skills to the table. Having been raised
by great white sharks in the frosty tundra of the Siberian wilderness,
she is fluent in the languages of wolves, polar bears, moose, and of
course honeybadgers. After defeating the alpha male and starting her
own pack at the age of 3, she went on to become the youngest person
ever to hunt a grizzly using only her teeth, taking down 42 of Putin’s
elite squad of security bears. Despite her rough upbringing Leigh
dreams of one day becoming the chief of propaganda for the US government and settling down with a family. Leigh can usually be found
sobbing in the corner of the ESS office having been put on a time out
by Tim Erdmer.
Jason likes the Seahawks. We wish him well.
Unsolved Questions: Why did our Dir. Corp order 500 business cards for the
ESS, and put his name on the back of every one?
FYI: HOW TO TAKE MIDTERMS, IF YOU ARE UNSURE
Unsure of what to do when taking a test/midterm/
final? Here's a list of suggested activities!
not like there's anything important going on anyways.
- Since you're going to be leaving, you might as well
- Do keep your phone ringer at max volume. Everyone sit in the middle of the row. Interrupt AS MANY PEOwants to hear your alarms and notifications! You're
PLE AS POSSIBLE. You don't know what you're doing,
important, let everyone know.
so why should anyone else be allowed to think?
- Do sniffle. Don't bring kleenex. It's not like anyone is - Eat loud food. People love hearing someone chew
trying to pay attention anyway.
chips and carrots!
- Talk. It's a great way to let the invigilator know
- Tap/make noises. You're thinking, let other people
you're not cheating!
know!
- Stare at other students' papers. Nobody wants to
Oh and of course, keep doing these no matter what
know how you understand material right? It's just the
other students or invigilators say. You're getting the
answer that matters. Screw the future people. Every-
best mark, no matter what right? The curve only gets
one else that studied their asses off won't mind you
better if EVERYONE does poorly!
looking at their papers!
- Anonymous
- Leave the room randomly. Don't ask, just leave. It's
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SNAPCHAT CONTEST, PART IV: A FRESH HOPE
The snap contest is always on. The game this week is WEAK. Prove us better @ ‘fishwrap’.
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hexadecimal sudoku
I’m constantly pushing for new records on how fast I can finish
this damn paper. Today, I’m aiming to be done by 10 PM. Then,
I’ll go home and eat sausages in the style of my ancestors. If
you can finish this by next week, we have slushies for you.
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THE LAST PAGE
QUOTES FROM AROUND ENGINEERING
“You want to use bigger and bigger coins, so a dime,
then a quarter, then a loonie, then, you know, the
bear.” - Min Tsao, STAT 260
“What can we put in Graeme’s mouth?” - Micah
Berghuis
“Oh yeah, my dad had that.”
“Autism?” -Anon., talking about herpes
Unsolved Questions: Why don’t our Charity Co-ordinators want to be in the
“Meet the Exec” section? They’re beautiful people.
ESS PRESIDENT SIGHS FOR SIGHENCE ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Can you help us diagnose our President’s condition? He seems to sigh all the time. We think
he misses his cat. All research and visualizations courtesy of Parampaul Nahal, thanks Paul <3
Disclaimer:TheviewsexpressedinthispaperarebynomeanstheviewsoftheUVicESSoranymemberoftheUVicEngineeringdepartment,andthereforeshouldbetakensolelyasopinionratherthanpolicy.ERTW!