Scene One
(Light up on DOC at his office.)
DOC
You came to me for help, Stagger. You have talked to the priests, the cognitive
behaviorists, the psychiatrists, so called trained professionals. You sat and talked to them
because they have degrees from prestigious institutions hanging on their walls to remind
them and reassure you of their training. You trusted them. You believed what they had
to say. When they said that what you have is mild depression, you believed them. When
they prescribed you meds, you took them. These trained professionals with prestigious
degrees.
(STAGGER looks around. At walls.)
Don’t worry, Stagger. I have numerous degrees. From prestigious institutions. I can
show them to you if you wish. At a later time, but for now, listen to me: the Zoloft, the
Wellbutrin, the SRI’s, the beta blockers. You don’t need any of them. I am going to
offer you a healthier alternative.
Trained professionals refer to it as a mild depression. I do not believe in such a term. I
think mild, and I think salsa. Ketchup. (Beat.) You are not depressed, Stagger.
(DOC takes out two metal rods.)
STAGGER
What are you going to do with those, Doc?
(DOC starts to warm up the metal rods by rubbing them
together.)
DOC
I’m not promising happiness because that’s impossible. I mean, we all want to be happy
and, ultimately, to remain so. (Beat.) But I can’t alleviate your suffering. I can’t give
you that. But I can maybe help you learn to obtain happiness however fleeing that may
be. I can promise you moments of fleeting happiness, or rather, moments of less
suffering. (Beat.) Do you trust me?
(STAGGER nods.)
You’re lost. And I’m here to be your guide. I’m going to give you a reading. I’m going
to read your past.
(He prepares himself.)
You see, Stagger. One must look at the past to gain a better understanding of one’s
present.
(Starts to rub metal rods together.)
Knowledge of one’s past is healing. It can provide insight, increased awareness, and a
deeper understanding of the nature of self.
(Starts to smack metal rods together.)
Now relax. I’m going to travel.
(Starts smacking metal rods. Looks up at ceiling.)
1
DOC (Cont’d.)
Yes. Now I’m traveling. I’m traveling.
(Smacks rods. Closes eyes.)
Okay. Okay now. I’m seeing.
(SCREEN: Year, 1986.)
(Light up on CARD. He is holding a jar in one hand and a
butterfly net in his other hand. STAGGER joins CARD,
who hands him the net.)
CARD
You know what I want to catch.
STAGGER
What?
CARD
A Praying Mantis.
STAGGER
Mantis Religiosa. Good luck. Not only do they blend in with their surroundings, but
they have incredible eyesight. They can see movement up to sixty feet.
CARD
They are carnivores. They’ll eat other bugs including other praying mantises. They’ll eat
small mice and they’ll go into a bird’s nest and eat the baby birds. They can even
resemble flowers and trick and catch and eat hummingbirds.
STAGGER
You know what the prize is for winning best bug collection?
CARD
My brother says it’s a year supply of Pizza Hut pizza.
STAGGER
Shut up. It is not.
CARD
And a picture in the school yearbook.
STAGGER
That I believe.
(STAGGER sees something. He gets his net ready. He
attacks and catches something.)
2
CARD
What is it?
(SCREEN: Mantis Religiosa.)
STAGGER
You will not believe it.
(CARD bends down to look.)
CARD
The name mantis comes from the Greek word for prophet or soothsayer.
STAGGER
It’s so big and green.
(CARD opens jar.)
CARD
Put it in.
STAGGER
Fuck you.
CARD
It’s in my backyard which means it’s mine.
STAGGER
I saw it first. I caught it. It’s mine.
CARD
Hand it over, Stagger. I want it more than you. You know how much I like pizza.
(CARD pushes STAGGER.)
STAGGER
Knock it off, dick-weed. I like pizza, too. And I’m more photogenic.
(They push and shove each other. DOC smacks metal rods
together with each push and shove. Each smack of rods
gets more intense until CARD finally goes over and stomps
on the mantis.)
CARD
If I can’t have it, neither can you.
3
(STAGGER runs up to CARD, his fist sailing out to
connect with CARD’s face, as he does so DOC smacks the
metal rods. It amplifies. Lights out on CARD. STAGGER
returns to DOC.)
STAGGER
I revisit moments in time that really have no meaning.
DOC
All moments have meaning. Especially to the artist. (Beat.) Your prescription for this
week is two-thousand milligrams of licorice root daily and this:
(Hands STAGGER a book.)
STAGGER
Walt Whitman. Leaves of Grass?
DOC
A poem a night. Right before bed.
Scene Two
(The hallway of STAGGER’s apartment building.
STAGGER is walking and flipping through Whitman’s
Leaves of Grass. A loose piece of paper falls out from the
book. STAGGER bends down to read it.)
STAGGER
(Reads out loud.)
Men’s Party. Our group meets frequently to socialize. You could join a group, pair off
with one other man, or just hang out. There is no pressure to do anything. Arrive
anytime. No reservations are necessary.
(TROUT enters quickly, carrying a basket of dirty laundry.
He collides into STAGGER. The hard collision causes
TROUT’s basket of clothes to go flying. STAGGER helps
TROUT clean up mess.)
TROUT
(Picking up a very loud/gay shirt.)
This is not at all embarrassing.
(Quickly diverts attention away from scattered clothes.)
Hi neighbor. I’m your gay-bor, Trout. I live right down the hall from you.
4
STAGGER
You’re named after a fish.
TROUT
I know. And I’m quite the catch.
STAGGER
My name is Stagger.
TROUT
To walk with uncertain, uneven steps, continually veering in direction.
(STAGGER puzzled.)
Webster’s dictionary definition. (Beat.) Ever since I was a child I’ve been obsessed with
words and definitions. Whenever I found a word I didn’t know I’d ask my parents. They
were always too busy growing, selling, or smoking pot. They’d always say look it up.
(Turns his back on STAGGER to pick up clothes, while he
does so, STAGGER steals a pair of manties, placing it into
his pocket.)
Every word I looked up was stored in my brain and I can give you the definition. I can’t
remember what I ate for breakfast, but I can tell you what aposematic means.
STAGGER
Conspicuous coloration or markings of an insect (such as a butterfly) serving to warn off
predators.
(TROUT impressed.)
I had a fascination with bugs as a child. That’s how I know, really.
TROUT
I like your name. I’ve never met anyone named Stagger.
STAGGER
Can’t say I’ve met anyone named Trout.
TROUT
My hippie parents are to blame for that. I was conceived on Good Friday. You’re to
abstain from sex and eat fish on this day. My parents ate fish. (Beat.) Well it was nice
meeting you.
(Said with a hint of sexual innuendo.)
Perhaps we’ll bump into each other again in the future.
STAGGER
Yeah. Nice to meet you. Bye.
(TROUT exits. STAGGER removes manty from
pocket.)
5
STAGGER
(To Audience:)
What made me do it?
Scene Three
(STAGGER’s apartment. STAGGER is sitting on his bed.
He opens up to a random page of Leaves of Grass. Reads.)
STAGGER
We two boys together clinging,
One the other never leaving,
Up and down the roads going—North and South excursions
Making,
Power enjoying—elbows stretching—fingers clutching,
Arm’d and fearless—eating, drinking, sleeping, loving.
No law less than ourselves owning—sailing, soldiering, thieving,
threatening,
Misers, menials, priests alarming—air breathing, water drinking,
on the turf or the sea-beach dancing,
Cities wrenching, ease scorning, statutes mocking, feebleness chasing,
Fulfilling our foray.
(SCREEN: Year, 1986.)
(Light up on MOM. She is sitting at kitchen table reading
newspaper. CARD enters with black eye.)
CARD
Hot one today.
MOM
Yeah. Say it’s gonna hit 90. What happened to your eye?
CARD
One of my brothers.
MOM
Your poor mother. STAGGER!
STAGGER
Right here. You don’t have to yell.
CARD
Wanna go down to the crick?
6
STAGGER
It’s creek, hillbilly.
CARD
Don’t call me a hillbilly, asshole.
STAGGER
Later, mom. Back in time for dinner.
MOM
Wait a second. You boys aren't going down by the creek.
STAGGER
What, why not?
MOM
Stagger, there have been cases of lyme disease in the area.
STAGGER
North. Up north. Miles away.
MOM
I am reading the news—
STAGGER
The local news? The Harbor Country news? I think my bus driver writes for that paper.
He isn’t a journalist. He’s a bus driver.
MOM
A tick can hop on someone up north and this person can travel south and then that tick
will hop onto someone down here.
STAGGER
That isn't how it works. I mean, if a tick has a host, why would he leave it?
(DAD enters.)
DAD
Anymore beer?
MOM
In the downstairs cooler. Tell your son he is not to go down to the creek.
DAD
Listen to your mother. What happened to your eye?
7
CARD
One of my brothers.
DAD
That’s quite a shiner. (Beat.) Want me to teach you how to fight? To defend yourself?
STAGGER
Mom. We need Gerris Remigis for our bug collections.
DAD
Tried to teach Stagger but he doesn’t want to be taught. Says it is unnecessary.
MOM
Gerris what?
(SCREEN: Gerris Remigis.)
STAGGER
Water striders also known as water skimmers, water skippers, water spiders-DAD
You gotta protect yourself sometimes. Right?
CARD
Yeah. I’d like that.
MOM
The only thing you'll be catching if you go down to the creek is lyme disease.
DAD
Some day this week then.
CARD
Cool.
STAGGER
Dad!
DAD
Listen to your mother!
STAGGER
But—
(DAD exits. MOM goes back to reading newspaper.)
8
CARD
They're gonna be hard to catch, ya know. They move across the water's surface at a rate
of almost 3 1/2 feet per second.
STAGGER
Wow.
CARD
They use a middle set of legs that act as oars. They can book. This will be a challenge.
STAGGER
I’m up for it.
MOM
BOYS! There are plenty of bugs in the back yard for you to catch.
CARD
Like ticks. They're in the back yard, I'm sure.
STAGGER
What if we wore anti-tick garb? I will wear a light-colored long sleeve shirt and long
pants and I will tuck them into boots.
CARD
Are you fucking nuts? It's gonna hit 90 today. A scorcher.
MOM
That won't fully protect you. The safest way is not going down by the creek.
STAGGER
So we have to stay inside until there is no more lyme disease!?
MOM
(Barely keeping it together.)
Fine, Stagger. Go. Get lyme disease. I don't care.
(Losing it.)
Don't come crying to me if you can't feel your arms or legs. That's the last stage of lyme
disease. Numbness in the arms and legs. Arthritis. Neurological disorders.
(Emotional.)
You will be ten but your body will be sixty!
STAGGER
Jeesh, Mom, fine. We'll stay in the back yard.
CARD
There aren't ticks in the backyard?
9
MOM
We keep our grass trim; it is safer. Just avoid sitting on the ground.
STAGGER
Ok.
(STAGGER and CARD go to leave.)
MOM
Stagger, wait, what are you doing?
STAGGER
Going out. Into the backyard.
MOM
In those clothes? Go change. Put on your anti-tick garb.
(STAGGER exits in huff. Lights shift. He walks
over to his nightstand. He picks up a prescription bottle.)
And when you get in, you will remove those clothes and throw them in the dryer for 20
minutes. That will kill any unseen ticks. (Beat.) I really don’t think a tank top is a good
idea, Card.
CARD
I’ll take my chances.
(Lights fade on CARD and MOM. STAGGER uncaps
bottle; he takes out a pill.)
DOC
One thousand milligrams of Passion Flower. This is for the insomnia.
(STAGGER swallows pill. Light out on DOC. STAGGER
lies back on bed. He reaches underneath pillow and pulls
out TROUT’s manties. He examines them in his hand.
This action is pathetic, not creepy. WALT appears in his
window.)
WALT
Spontaneous me!
(STAGGER leaps out of his bed.)
STAGGER
Who the fuck?!
WALT
Walt Whitman, a kosmos, of Manhattan the son.
10
(STAGGER runs over to his prescriptions. Examines
labels.)
STAGGER
I’ve either taken too much or not enough.
WALT
(Taps on window, wanting to be let in.)
Unscrew the locks from the doors!
STAGGER
Shit.
(STAGGER uncaps bottle. Takes out a pill. Light up on
DOC.)
DOC
Twelve hundred milligrams Kava Kava. This will help with the anxiety.
(STAGGER swallows pill. Light out on DOC. WALT
bangs on the window. He wants in.)
WALT
Unscrew the doors themselves from their jambs!
STAGGER
Is this real?
WALT
I accept Reality and dare not question it.
(WALT waits impatiently. STAGGER thinks.)
STAGGER
You’re never to invite a ghost or vampire into your home.
WALT
Evil propels me and reform of evil propels me, I stand indifferent.
(STAGGER walks over to window.)
STAGGER
I’m not letting you in. You can tell me what you need to tell me through the window.
(WALT stands indifferent.)
What is it you want to say to me?
11
WALT
I am not fond of questions—any questions, in short, that require answers.
(WALT reveals a piece of paper. He motions for
STAGGER to open the window. STAGGER cracks the
window. WALT slides paper through crack. STAGGER
grabs the paper but WALT doesn’t let go.)
I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I myself become the wounded person.
(WALT lets go of paper. STAGGER takes paper and
quickly closes the window. He reads piece of paper.)
STAGGER
How did you get this? It fell out of my book.
(WALT gives him a “your book?” look.)
STAGGER
It was my book of your poems to which this piece of paper with directions to a place
where things happen fell out of. (Beat.) You want me to go to this place?
(WALT nods. He does a ‘follow me’ with hand. He exits.)
I’ll use the door, thanks.
(Lights out.)
Scene Four
(The following scene is lit by a bug zapper, preferably one
that works as a black light. DOORMAN stands near bug
zapper, watching as it zaps its victims. The DOORMAN is
played by the same actor who will play CARD. He wears
sunglasses and a doo-rag on his head. It’d be great if the
DOORMAN wore colors that would be pop under the black
light. WALT walks right up to DOORMAN. STAGGER
nervously stands a bit behind.)
DOORMAN
Twenty.
WALT
Mon enfant! I give you my hand!
(Gives hand to DOORMAN.)
I give you my love, more precious than money!
12
(DOORMAN does not move. He does not see WALT.
WALT shrugs. He looks back at STAGGER. He does a
‘follow me’ with hand. He exits. STAGGER pays
DOORMAN, who gives him a one white garbage bag.)
DOORMAN
You put your clothes in here.
(Hands STAGGER marker.)
You put your initials on the bag.
STAGGER
I have to put all of my clothes in here?
DOORMAN
(Very annoyed.)
You put your clothes in the bag. You put your initials on the bag. (Beat.) You’re
holding up the line.
(STAGGER starts to undress. DOORMAN watches.)
STAGGER
Do you have to watch?
DOORMAN
You’re holding up the line.
STAGGER
(Undressing.)
Insect electrocutor light traps are pretty useless, ya know. Most of the insects it attracts
are either harmless or beneficial. So, you’re killing moths, beetles, and non-biting gnats
mostly.
(DOORMAN is bit by mosquito. He smacks and kills it.)
Mosquitos aren’t stupid. They might be attracted to the light, but as soon as they come
nearer and they pick up on your respiration and your skin moisture. So really, the bug
zapper is luring them over to you. Just buy some cintronella candles or something.
(STAGGER is stripped down to his tee shirt and dorky
boxer shorts.)
You like?
DOORMAN
I like it when it keeps its mouth shut.
(STAGGER takes marker and writes initials on bag. He
hands it over to DOORMAN. STAGGER
enters the sex party. The stage should be very dark, or
creepily lit by red lights. There are rooms—or spaces on
13
stage that will open up to STAGGER’s past. These
flashbacks will take STAGGER back to his childhood and
teenage years.)
STAGGER
(To Audience.)
Inside the sound was incredible. Stridulation. The act of stridulating. The act of
producing sounds or musical notes by rubbing together certain hard body parts.
Just a constant hum. The moaning and groaning turned into this buzzing vibration. The
walls and the floor hummed. It was like being inside a beehive.
A drone is a male honeybee. Drones go from hive to hive trying to get laid. After they
successfully mate with a queen, his penis and other abdominal muscles are ripped from
him and he dies.
(Shadowy figures move about.)
Walt?
(Light up on WALT, as he runs into the room, ecstatic with
a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.)
14