Formerly Known as WUnderground
VOLUME 10, ISSUE 7
APRIL 10, 2014
World Accidentally Misplaces Malaysia,
Cannot Find It Anywhere
PRICE: A Scooby Snack
Buried
WUnderground
Studies Show
Thurtene Funnel Cake
Not Usable as Funnel
page i19
Flight 370
General area that once included the nation known as Malaysia.
T
he grueling international search for Malaysian Airline Flight
370 has apparently garnered so
much attention from the world
that nobody can find Malaysia
anymore. The Southeast Asian
country, previously known to
occupy 329,847 square kilometers of the earth’s surface,
is completely lost and unaccounted for. A search and rescue
team has been dispatched in an
effort to locate evidence of Kuala
Lumpur, Putrajaya, or even
Mount Kinabalu, or any debris
which might help piece together
the peculiar events leading to the
nation’s disappearance.
“We are getting a lot of shit
about this slip-up,” explained
Ishak Teuku, the officer leading
the search efforts. “People can’t
seem to understand how we
lost a country. They keep asking
these pestering questions, like,
‘What, did it just disappear off
the GPS?’ or ‘Have you checked
next to Thailand or Indonesia,
where it used to be?‘ or ‘What
about our loved ones?’ Frankly,
as a professional, these sorts
of questions offend me. Obviously, we have scoured the South
China Sea, we have ransacked
lost-and-founds across the globe,
we have scrutinized Google
Earth images… And at the end
of the day, Malaysia is gone. It’s
just not there.”
Conspiracy theories attempting to explain what could
have possibly happened to
Malaysia have started to circulate. While some people have
attributed the disappearance
to consumption by ravenous
squid living in the waters along
Malaysia’s coast, others believe
it probably has to do with Mila
Kunis and Ashton Kutcher’s impending nuptials and
baby on the way. One online
blog suggests the possibility
that all of Malaysia is stuffed
inside the cabin of Flight 370,
while a popular post on Reddit
explains that traditional Malaysian weavers must have finally
replicated Harry’s invisibility
cloak, under which the nation
is currently seeking refuge.
The number of searches
for Malaysia are increasing
without bound. Considering
that ten percent of the population cannot even find their keys
right now and also that only one
in eighteen American eighth
graders actually ever knew
where Malaysia was in the first
place, prospects for recovering
the nation are bleak.
Earth Day 2014 Not Such a Big Deal
on Mars
The annual celebration of
Earth’s greatness is shaping up
to not be such a big deal on Mars
this year. Although Earthlings
will likely celebrate the April
22nd holiday by planting trees,
being outdoors, and reveling in
the glory of the third planet from
the Sun, Earth Day celebrations
are expected to be fairly lackluster on our neighboring planet,
Mars.
Earth Day enthusiasts attribute the poor reception of the
holiday on Mars to jealousy of
our planet’s liquid water content
and biodiversity, not to mention
Earth’s intelligent and sexy life
forms. Consequently, humans
page 5
Graham Chapel Bells to
be Replaced by Guy Who
Screams What Time It Is
page #8
Report: Linus
Backwards is Sunil
page .0001
Todd Talks Fail to
Inspire Public
page 9a
looking for a good time on Earth taking place in highly popuDay are advised to stay within lated urban areas and biothe planet’s borders, with the diverse rainforests.
rowdiest celebrations likely
Students Unanimously
Replace WUnderground
with Stud Life as Official
Campus Source of Humor
page XI
VOLUME 10, ISSUE 7
APRIL 10, 2014
Crimea Crisis to be Resolved by Turning Ukraine
off, then on Again
Diplomats from around the
globe had a breakthrough last week
during talks concerning the crisis in
Crimea when they realized that the
tensions could be resolved if they
simply tried turning Ukraine off,
then on again.
After the Lithuanian president
suggested a treaty which would
simultaneously ensure Ukraine’s
sovereignty and earn him a back
massage from German Chancellor
Angela Merkel, a visibly peeved
Merkel slammed her fist into her
MacBook Pro. The violent gesture
reportedly caused the laptop to
malfunction, prompting suggestions from around the room that she
ought to try turning it off, and then
back on again.
“At that moment, we knew we
had something big. All we had to do
was try turning Crimea off, wait for
at least ten seconds, and then turn it
back on again. It usually works for
MacBooks and other misbehaving
electronic devices, so why not
Crimea too? Problem solved. I can’t
believe we didn’t think of it sooner!
The solution to end the fighting and
the sieges and the deeply entrenched
power struggles between Putin and
The West was right in front of us the
entire time,” explained Merkel.
WUnderground
WUnderground is WashU’s
premier [only] satirical
newspaper and should be
taken about as seriously as
Stud Life’s April Fool’s issue.
However, the news reported by
this paper
is completely fictitious,
at least to our knowledge.
Any resemblance to persons
living, ailing or dead is
entirely intentional.
Chiefs of Staff
Corie Miller
President
“Politics can be complex,”
explained NATO’s supreme allied
commander, Samuel de Pépé.
“Sometimes the situation warrants
trade embargos, or the internment
of minorities, or even the detonation
of atomic bombs. And other times,
as a servant of peace, you have to be
astute enough to ask yourself, ‘why
don’t we just try turning it off, and
then back on again?’”
The diplomats had been locked
in a room discussing conflict resolution proposals for five days straight
before arriving at the practical idea
to power down and reboot Ukraine.
“I mean, will it work? Granted,
the logistics of rebooting a nation of
44 million people may be tricky to
hammer out, but I think it’s certainly
worth a try. It won’t hurt anything.
Plus, we have our defense strategists
figuring out the kinks now. I’ll just be
glad to have this squared away and
behind us,” de Pépé said.
As of press time, the diplomats
were all pretty pleased with their
brilliance, and the Crimean parliament was still joining Russian forces.
Really High Easter Bunny Cannot Remember
Where He Hid the Eggs
of the eggs he is hiding for the Easter
egg hunt. This April, the holiest day
in cannabis culture coincides with
the bunny’s biggest day of the year
as Chief Egg Hider. The commemoration of Jesus’ resurrection has not
fallen on 4/20 since he was hired for
the position, and we met up with the
Easter Bunny to discuss the challenge.
“I just cannot find those damn
Easter nugs. I mean eggs! Shit. Are
my eyes red? If they are -- it’s because
I’m a bunny! Hahaha, just kidding.
Bunnies don’t have red eyes. Or…
do they? Everything’s relative man.
And I’m just a red-eyed bunny…
Hey, have you seen any Easter eggs
lately? I think I lost them,” the bunny
rambled as he scratched his furry
head.
“Am I acting weird to you? It’s
because… I’m stoned! Ahhhh, haha
The Easter Bunny is finding HA, HahhhaAA. Man. Easter, shit. I
himself blazed and confused this need to sit down. NOPE! Not sitting
4/20 since he just cannot keep track down. I’m hopping. Hop, hop, hop.
Wow. You’re pretty. OH MY GOD
WE HAVE TO WATCH ICE AGE
RIGHT NOW! Merrr, blah, zzzz,
AFICIONADO! I meant abracadabra.
Goddammit.”
The bunny promptly sat down on
the grass and started picking at the
weeds.
“Wait a second. I just remembered
that I can’t find the STUPID eggs.
Actually, I could go for an egg right
now. One with a nice and runny yolk.
Mhm. Oh, if only I could find… what
was I looking for… my hat? No I don’t
wear a hat. Hashtag bunny ear problems! Hahaha. Were we about to go
to get Taco Bell? Or am I making that
up? OHHH SWEET BABY JESU----…
I just found an egg in my pocket!”
The Easter bunny proceeded
to pull a very yolk-y hand from his
pocket as he had accidentally sat
on the egg, which he explained by
claiming that he did not remember
placing there.
Whitney Mann
Editor in Chief
Staff
Nate Blecher
Sam Blumkin
Brian Cizek
Thomas Cochran
Callan Coghlan
Jamie Gerber
Anat Gross
Clayton Klein
J.P. Liebenson
Alix Marson
Andrew Miller
Lauren Paley
Brian Ross
Rosie Shanley
Kimball Slade
Jordan Siff
Mac Slone
Ryan Thier
Juliet Zirn
We are always recruiting new
members. If you would like to
write, edit, doodle, spellczech,
or shotgun Orange Fanta, email
us at:
[email protected],
and join our facebook group.
for all the news that ’s fit to print, and then some,
visit our website at
wunderground.wustl.edu
ISSN # 1938-0089
wunderground.wustl.edu
VOLUME 10, ISSUE 7
APRIL 10, 2014
University Will Offer Degrees in Astrology, Homeopathy, and
Sociology
After a nearly 25 year hiatus,
Washington University has officially announced the reinstatement
of the department of Sociology. In
recent years, the University has
expressed that a variety of important disciplines have been absent
from the Wash U curriculum,
and so in addition to a Sociology
department, which will offer
course titles ranging from the
The Sociology of Crêpe Culture to
The Social Origins and Implications of Zoophilia, the University
will be reinstating departments
of Astrology and Homeopathy as
well.
“Washington University is
excited about the addition of these
new areas of study,” explained
Dean Simons. “Today, we recognize
Sociology, Astrology, and Homeopathy as three important modern
sciences which are sorely missing
from many a liberal arts education,
and we believe the integration of
such critical areas of study represents great progress in our academic
community.”
The instruction of Astrology at
Wash U was discontinued in 1930
after the discovery of Pluto created
a schism amongst the professors too
divisive to be reconciled.
“In one class, students would
learn that a conjunction of Pluto and
Jupiter in Libra would mean that
Scorpios would have success in the
near future, while in the next room
over, a class would be taught that
same arrangement spelled certain
doom for all water signs,” Professor
Anne Layborn explained, “It was
a mess. Many didn’t think Pluto
belonged at all. The demotion of
Pluto to a celestial dwarf in 2006
reconciled the long-divided field. It
proved that, once again, Astrology
was right and mainstream science
was wrong.”
Introducing the Homeopathy
Department has also presented
unique
challenges,
including
stark opposition from the Biology
Department who believes the
move to implement homeopathy
courses is an insult to both science
and common sense. Additionally,
certain professors of homeopathy
have expressed concern that the
campus-wide ban on water bottles
will make it difficult to concoct
and distribute certain homeopathic
antidotes and dilutions.
The disbanding of the Sociology
Department in 1991 due to experimental procedures that included
stalking gay men and publishing
information about them without
their consent (“The Tearoom Study”)
is proof that WUSTL had not yet
embraced the new, post-modern
science on which these new departments will be founded. For a long
time, the administration has clung
to the notion that science required
control groups and the scientific
method. Today, the University is open
to accepting new scientific tenets in
which conclusions are drawn from
narrow, immorally achieved data and
feelings. Overall, the University is
optimistic for the future of these three
new departments.
Sex Creates Unrealistic
Expectations of Porn, Study
Suggests
A recent study out of Washington University claims that
people’s experiences having real
live sex can give them unrealistic
expectations of porn.
“A lot of the time, when people
have sex, it can be awkward and
uncomfortable,” said researcher
and Brazzers premium subscriber
Dr. Weinsoff. “Exchanging bodily
fluids and aggressively rubbing
genitals sounds like a great way
to spend 15 minutes at first, but in
practice it often turns out to be an
incredibly unsatisfying encounter.
Our research shows that this can
have a negative effect on people’s
porn viewing habits.”
“83 percent of sexually active
adults surveyed told us that their
experiences led them to believe
that watching porn would be an
uncomfortable and disappointing
experience, rather than the transcendent, beautifully sensual media
that it is.”
The study reports a wide
range of misconceptions about
porn among people who have had
sexual encounters in the past. These
beliefs, which the report suggests
are direct results of sexual experiences, include assertions that female
porn actors never reach climax, that
watching porn may cause pregnancy, and that watching may cause
lifetime feelings of crushing regret
and inadequacy.
At press time, Washington
University scientists were working
on a new study on whether it is
possible to do research while having
a massive erection.
Point
Counter-Point
“Day-uuum, this hook-up is
hawt.”
“I HAVE TO PEE SO
BAD!!!!!”
by Sam Carpenter, Beer Enthusiast
by Jenny Walker, very hydrated
Just look at me go… I am hookingup with this girl right now! Like,
really hooking-up. It’s going well.
She keeps squirming around, so
I can tell she’s into it. I asked if
she wanted a glass of water, and
she said “NO” so vehemently
that I knew she could not wait to
get into bed with me. And then
I asked if she wanted a coffee
or a diet coke, and she slapped
me right across the face! Kinky
shit. I was like “damn, you don’t
want these caffeinated beverages
because you want me, I see what
you’re doing.” She kept jiggling her
legs, but whatever, I think this is
going well.
Ughhhhh, what is happening, thing that is pulsating. I thought
you’re really hot, but I have to I could use your bathroom, but
pee SO BAD!!!!! I’ve had to pee I can’t find it! And things keep
for hours after all those amaretto getting hot and heavy in here. A
sours… and then you bought me minute ago I thought I was going
that Bud Light, so this is partially to pee my pants, but then you
your fault! I didn’t even enjoy that took them off. But I STILL NEED
grody beer. My need to urinate is TO PEE!!!!! I can’t focus at all. You
so powerful that I just can’t even know what, fuck it, I’m just going
focus on hooking up with you to pee in your bed. Wow, yeah,
right now. My bladder is the only that’s better. Where were we?
VOLUME 10, ISSUE 7
APRIL 10, 2014
Eagles Use Jewish Geography To Link
DeSean Jackson To Gang Violence
Last week, the Philadelphia Eagles released
all-pro wide receiver DeSean Jackson due to
reported affiliations with gangsters in Los
Angeles which came to light thanks to a sophisticated web of Jewish-geography.
“It really is a small world,” said Eagles’
CEO Jeffrey Lurie. “While DeSean might deny
these links, the credibility of the Jewish-geography we have used to make these connections is
rock solid.”
The Eagles report that world-renowned yenta,
Joyce Garbovitz, was instrumental in helping
connect the dots between Jackson and top gang
members. Without her keen perceptiveness and
countless Jewish acquaintances, the Eagles believe
they would still be in the dark about DeSean’s
connections.
“Ya see, my lovely hairdresser cuts for the
neighbor of the ex-wife of the owner of Mikey’s
Bagels, which DeSean comes to every Sunday,”
Garbovitz explained. “She tells me that apparently, DeSean always comes in at seven to pick up
six dozen bagels, various shmears, and a pound
of lox, like he’s going to sit Shiva or something -Nobody that young goes to that many Shivas, so I
knew something fishy was going on.”
Garbovitz also explained how her dermatologist, Ethel Klein, also worked for the Eagles. Klein
reported marks on DeSean’s arms that could have
only resulted from being a professional football
player or serious, gang-related drug use.
Despite the damning evidence, Jackson has
succeeded in landing a spot on the Washington
Redskins thanks to a connection he made at his
third cousin’s wedding--it turns out Redskins
owner Dan Snyder’s kids actually went to the
same summer camp as Jackson.
“We’re very excited to have DeSean as a
member of this organization. He’s got really good
hands, for a shvartze” said Snyder, owner of a football team named after a racial slur. “I’m excited
for him to be catching by balls, but I’ll never let
him near my daughter.”
WUnderground’s Game of Thrones
Review
Game of Thrones Season 4 premieres this April.
Here’s what we thought:
WHAT WE LIKED
• Something interesting finally happens with the
cripple’s Bran’s storyline.
• All characters now wear name-tags.
• This season puts a spotlight on eating healthy!
• Theon’s detatched genitals finally find a romantic
interest (but we won’t say who!)
• Merpeople are introduced to the story. Specifically, the show does a great job of showing how
the merpeople are strong contenders for the Iron
Throne despite not being able to walk.
• A strong male character puts Daenerys in her
place.
• Tyrion now puts on sunglasses whenever he
makes a joke.
• Getting to lord these details over all our friends.
WHAT WE DIDN’T LIKE
• The interesting thing that happens with Gimpy’
Bran’s storyline is that he has sex with his wolf.
• HBO tried to up the nudity without watering
down the storyline by surgically adding a second
pair of breasts to most of the actresses. But with the
exception of Arya, it doesn’t really work.
“I’ll bash ur fookin ‘ead in, i swear on me mum/
aunt”
• The shadow-vagina-baby musical number.
• Three major characters get herpes and that’s
all they talk about for the entire season.
• Joffrey has his first nude scene, and he is
disappointingly well-endowed.
• The rest of the Starks die due to various
congenital disorders rather than betrayals.
• The book was better.
Top 10...
Signs that Jack Might
be a Serial Killer
10.
9.
8.
He is literally killing someone
right now.
He has a giant jar with teeth on
his shelf.
He always winks and giggles
when he tells you he doesn’t
kill people.
7.
He will be played by Anthony
Hopkins.
6.
He’s always bugging you to
help him kill people.
5.
He has blood spattered on his
clothes and skin.
4.
He is really good at differential equations.
3.
His garbage bags are always
corpse-shaped.
2.
He orders his steak fleshy.
1.
He hasn’t blinked in four years.
What Do You Think?
Tony La Russa is the 2014 Commencement Speaker: What Do You Think?
Cory Booker
Newark Resident
“Great, another noname commencement
speaker.”
Courtney Moretto
English Major with a Passion for
Metaphors
“It’s like he’s throwing
out the first pitch of
the rest of our lives.”
Nelly
Rapper, Actor, and Founder of Apple
Bottoms
“Fuckin sellout.”
Paul Tucker
Not Ready to Graduate
“Do NOT bring up
commencement to
me.”
George Washington
Expos Fan
“Woop-dee shit. If I hadn’t
been preoccupied founding
a nation, I could have won a
World Series, too.”