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Watch those words
Word counts exist for reasons
Lecture 12
Concision & Precision
Conclusion
• Journals’ limited space
• Referees’ limited time
• After university: you must write with limits
• Weed
• Cultivate
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William S. Warner
Editing
More important than writing – makes the difference
Two approaches
Holistic: Listen for the problem areas
What am I trying to say?
Are transitions working logically? Signposts?
Does all evidence relate directly to main claim?
Tip: Quote of 3 lines requires 3 lines of explanation
Does thesis identify main reasons?
Line-by-line: Look for precise meaning
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Thinking slow or fast?
Abstract qualities and ideas require thinking
justice, terrorism, disease, pain, ransom
Concrete experiences and objects stimulate thoughts
prison, AK-47, Ebola, migraine, Somali pirate
Abstract often necessary, concrete generally preferred
The UN addressed the challenges of the future: problems
concerning the environment and world peace.
The UN addressed the challenges of the future: climate change,
food security, and chemical weapons.
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Words
Noun – thought
Abstract qualities and ideas
Concrete experiences and objects
Verb – action
Carries thought
All other parts are attached
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What to emphasize?
1. A vaccine that protects children from a fatal disease
carries a 0.001% risk of a permanent disability.
2. One of the 100,000 vaccinated children will be
permanently disabled.
Ending emphasis
concrete image seen fast: stimulates thought
999,999 safely vaccinated children slowly fade
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Avoid the dull
and imprecise
Probability events
Concrete image
weighted by seeing relative frequency
How often
Abstract decimal
lightened by thinking chances or risk
How likely
 What do you want to emphasize?
It will happen, the question is when?
It might happen, the question is will it?
?
• A career in international relations offers many things.
opportunities, foreign travel, embassy work
abstract
0.001%
William S. Warner
concrete
• Avoid metaconcepts (concepts about concepts)
approach, concept, condition, context, framework, issue,
model, process, paradigm, strategy, tendency, perspective
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Abstract nouns
Individuals with mental health issues
can be dangerous. It is important to
approach this subject from a variety of
strategies, including mental health
assistance but also from a law
enforcement perspective.
thing
area
factor
individual
Prune and Shake
I have serious doubts that trying to
amend the Constitution would work
on an actual level. On the aspirational
level, however, a constitutional
amendment strategy may be more
valuable.
1. Prune the big limbs
Vital - save
Interesting?
2. Shake out the dead leaves
Redundancies
Obvious
Modifiers
Verbosity
People who are mentally ill can be
I doubt that trying to amend the
dangerous. We need to consult mental Constitution would succeed, but it may
health professional, but we also may
be valuable to try.
have to inform the police.
Could you recognize an issue, strategy, perspective, or level
if you met one on the street?
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William S. Warner
Concision
Weed
Salvage logging is an increasingly
common way of harvesting forests
attacked by insect pests. The Maxim
1400-S is the only articulated
machine designed for that purpose.
In salvage logging, dead trees are
selectively harvested. Harvested dead
trees, however, can provide cavities
for nesting birds. The population of
cavity-nesting birds is therefore likely
affected by salvage logging.
William S. Warner
Topic
List
Topic
Stress
Story
Stress
expressing much
in a few words
The point I want to make here is that we can see that American policy in
regard to foreign countries at the State Department in Washington and the
White House have put together and made it public to the world that it has
given material and moral support to too many foreign factions in other
countries that have controlled power and have then had to give up power
to other factions that have defeated them.
US foreign policy has backed too many losers.
Losers? Replace slang with precise words.
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Less is more
75%
1. Compress to fewest clear words
2. Don’t state the obvious
In my personal opinion, we must listen to and think over in a punctilious
manner each and every suggestion that is offered to us.
Opinion can only be personal
Statement is implicitly opinion
Listen to and think over means consider
Punctilious manner means carefully
Each and every is redundant
Suggestion is something offered to someone
We must consider each suggestion carefully.
Simplify structure
Strengthen the verb
The proposal did not make an estimate of costs.
Avoid unnecessary is, are, was and were
The project leader is responsible for monitoring and balancing the budget.
The project leader monitors and balances the budget.
There was another video that explained agro-ecology.
Avoid get: typically paired with another word
get bigger = grow
get better = improve
get closer = approach
get away from = escape
get worse = worsen/deteriorate
get less important = diminish
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William S. Warner
Avoid repetition
3 Sources of Wordiness
Broad issue: a point made several times is okay
Certain words: (1) take the repeated noun, (2) turn it into the
subject of the sentence, and (3) add additional information.
Drones are currently seen as improving access to information. This increased
availability of information does have negative aspects. Smith (2015) notes the
dangers of information access have recently been demonstrated in several
arenas: the legal implications of information access, privacy and freedom of
information, and the information government might have access to.
Information access by drones causes problems. The dangers have been
documented in several arenas: legal, privacy, and government access (Smith,
2015).
William S. Warner
Redundancy Causes Complexity
The sample size was not quite sufficiently large enough.
Low pH values have been observed to occur in areas that have
been determined to have many pine trees.
At this point in time the economic finances are controlled by the
governmental municipality.
Do we need those red words?
William S. Warner
1. Redundant duplication
pairs
modifiers
categories
2. Meaningless words
3. Pompous (self important) diction
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Redundant Pairs
full and complete
true and accurate
hopes and desires
each and every
any and all
various and sundry
basic and fundamental
and so on and so forth
first and foremost
willing and able
Think what you’re writing!
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Redundant Modifiers
One word implies another:
completely finished… various different
each individual… basic fundamentals
true facts… exact same
future plans… planning ahead
consensus of opinion… safe haven
end result… final outcome
the reason why… the reason is because
new innovation… most unique
human person… forest of trees
Added bonus… Free gift!
preposition is redundant:
revolve around… return back
penetrate into… split apart
progress forward… continue on
evacuated out… fast forward ahead
Redundant Categories
It’s free?
The reason why we should not
try to anticipate in advance
those final outcomes is
because past history tells us
that it has been the ultimate
outcome of little events that
has unexpectedly surprised us.
We should not try to anticipate
outcomes because history tells
us that the effect of little
events has most surprised us.
large size
a red color
faster speed
cheapest price
heavy weight
tall height
round shape
uncertain condition
at this point in time
confused state
unusual in nature
The educational process and
athletic activities are the
responsibility of the county
governmental systems.
regulation, education,
administration… are systems
Education and athletics are the
responsibility of the county.
William S. Warner
William S. Warner
Redundant phrases
Avoid expletive construction
in order to = to
• The patient died of a fatal dose
of morphine.
a lot of = many
• Breivik was found guilty and
prior to = before
imprisoned in Halden Prison.
first of all = first, firstly
oBreivik was found guilty and
in addition to = additionally
sent to Halden Prison.
in this particular place = here
oBreivik was found guilty and
a number/variety of = several
imprisoned.
at this moment in time = now
oBreivik was imprisoned.
because of the fact = because
take into consideration = consider
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William S. Warner
Meaningless Words
Meaningful – worthless adjective
His was a meaningful contribution.
His contribution changed our minds?
Interesting – unconvincing word
An interesting point is…
Tell the point without preamble.
 Foreseeable – When?
You will be paid in the foreseeable future.
Factor, feature – add nothing
The sample was an important factor…
A feature of the investigation…
William S. Warner
There is risk of Siberian Tigers becoming extinct.
Siberian Tigers are at risk of becoming extinct.
Extinction threatens Siberian Tigers.
Concise
Topic – Emphasis. . . Bridge to next topic
Siberian Tigers
Extinction
Extinction
Siberian Tigers
Empty Modifiers
Very
Quite
Rather
Kind of
Entire(ly)
Simple(ly)
Certain(ly)
Dramatic(ally)
Substantial(ly)
Steam induces structural and
functional changes to pellet feed.
All types of changes
Steam changes pellet feed.
Specific changes?
Steam increases durability and
digestibility to pellet feed.
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Modifiers
The entire sequence takes less
than one hour to complete.
Heat dramatically increased
protein.
Heat increased protein by a
factor of 12.
The first phase of the reaction
sequence takes one hour.
She smiled happily.
She smiled sadly.
The final result. . .
The preliminary result. . .
William S. Warner
Really Necessary?
really
actually
virtually
basically
generally
definitely
personally
practically
essentially
Essentially, good writing
generally depends on certain
factors that are really more
common sense in kind than
virtually any given grammatical
aspect.
Generally speaking, good
writing depends more on
common sense than grammar.
any given thoughtful notion?
any given emotional feeling?
William S. Warner
“The adverb is not your friend.”
Stephen King, On Writing
“As to the adjective,
when in doubt strike it out.”
Mark Twain
“Write with nouns and verbs, not
with adjectives and adverbs.”
William S. Warner
Signposts
Pompous Diction
French/Latin
utilization
endeavor
termination
cognizant of
facilitate
is desirous
implement
envisage
apprise
eventuate
transpire
prior to
subsequent to
Anglo-Saxon
use
try
end
aware of
help
wants
start, begin
see, think
inform
happen
happen
before
after
Pursuant to the recent promulgation
issued April 16, 2016, because of
temporal exigencies, it is incumbent
upon us all to endeavor to make maximal
utilization of electronic communication
in lieu of unannounced personal
visitation at the institutionalized center
for improved written communication.
As explained April 16, to save time, e-mail
appointments instead of dropping in The
Writing Centre.
William S. Warner
Necessary Signposting?
will
Writing about writing
The rest of this papers is organized as follows. The first subsection introduces
the concept of “metadiscourse,” followed by one of the principle
manifestations, the use of signposting. The second subsection reviews three
issues: the problem of focusing on a description of professional activity rather
than an exposition of subject matter, the overuse of apologetic language, and
the disadvantage of excessive hedging. Following this, the third subsection
explains the issue of pre-specified verbal formulas, the fourth section covers
issues having to do with excessive abstraction, including the overuse of
nominalizations and passives. Finally, I will review the main points of the
preceding discussion.
William S. Warner
More help to the writer than reader
In the next subsection comes the review, which discusses the…
Avoid unnecessary future tense: This essay will…
Signpost sparingly, let logic flow… with a question?
This chapter discusses the factors that cause terrorism.
What causes terrorism?
Writer and reader active partners
The first topic to be discussed is state terrorism.
Let us begin with state terrorism.
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Compress a phrase into a word
Omit the Obvious
Words that supply no information
There is evidence that enzymes influence lipid production (Chu et al. 2008)
Unnecessary Information
The Middle East is an area that is located geographically northeast of Africa.
Snow cover is a characteristic of high alpine ecosystems that is critical in
in
regulating hydrology.
Empty phrases
This point is important for biologists because of the reasons mentioned.
Therefore, this point is important to biologists.
The greatest challenge in dealing with the crisis of a pandemic is that it is
global in scope and so public health responses must operate across national
boundaries.
William S. Warner
because, since, why
if
the reason for
for the reason that
due to the fact that
owing to the fact that
in light of the fact that
on the grounds that
this is why
in the event that
if it should transpire/happen that
despite the fact that
regardless of the fact that
notwithstanding the fact that
The author, a microbiologist…
Which was
Poverty, which was NORAD’s first
priority…
Poverty, NORAD’s first priority
William S. Warner
Words that compress phrases
on the occasion of
in a situation in which
under circumstances in which
about
must, should
may, might, can, could
it is crucial that
it is necessary that
there is a need/necessity for
it is important that
it is incumbent upon
cannot be avoided
it is possible that
there is a chance that
it could happen that
the possibility exists
can
as regards
in reference to
with regard to
concerning the matter of
is able to
is in a position to
has the capacity for
has the ability to
before, after, as
prior to
in anticipation of
subsequent to
following on
at the same time as
simultaneously with
William S. Warner
More Padding
The author, who is a microbiologist…
As you edit, first find nominalizations you can replace with clauses.
when
William S. Warner
Who is
80%
The way to write:
carefully read what you have written
edit
the thing to do before anything else
first
try to see
find
sequences of subjects and verbs
clauses
the same ideas expressed in nouns
rather than verbs
nominalizations
William S. Warner
Words that compress phrases
although, even though
The way we talk:
As you carefully read what you have
written to improve your wording and
catch small errors of spelling,
punctuation, and so on, the thing to
do before anything else is to try to
see where sequences of subjects and
verbs could replace the same ideas
expressed in nouns rather than
verbs.
Warning Words
indicate your thought needs sharpening
Case
In many cases, the samples were…
Many samples were...
Nature/Character
Acts of a hostile nature…
Acts of a hostile character…
Hostile acts…
area
situation
character
structure
conditions
process
system
nature
level
field
case
problem
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Necessary?
It is well known that there are
three types of poverty.
In a previous study, it was
demonstrated that “organic”
was often misunderstood (Ike,
1991).
Flooding has been shown to vary
depending on the time of year.
Flooding varies seasonally.
It was shown/observed that…
It is speculated that…
It has been found that…
It has been reported that…
It has long been known that…
It is reasonable to assume that…
There are many papers stating…
Wordy
Introduction
Metadiscourse – discussing the discussion
1. Author will explain, argue, discuss. . .
2. followed by topic
In this paper, I will discuss NGO’s neglect of gender
issues in Ethiopia.
In Ethiopia, NGOs neglect gender issues.
It is, has, was
There is, was, were
William S. Warner
William S. Warner
Keep the Topic Visible
Avoid Anonymous Claims
Combine Short Sentences
Obama was very ambitious. This led him to
wish to be reelected President of the United
States. His advisors told him this wish would
come true if he had a vision other than
change. The other presidential candidate was
Republican Mitt Romney who talked about the
past. Encouraged by his advisors, Obama
campaigned on the issue of looking forward.
He did so successfully and became President
rather than Romney.
observed, found, seen, noticed, noted,
remarked, been said
Transparency during a crisis has been
found to enhance a company’s
reputation.
Transparency during a crisis enhances a
company’s reputation.
Encouraged by his advisors, Obama achieved
his ambition and beat Romney to the White
House by campaigning to look forward not
backward.
Unless you have a reason to hedge, omit
unspecified observation.
William S. Warner
(−2) × (−3) = 6
Two negatives make a positive.
It is not uncommon = it is common.
It is unlikely, that it will not work = it is likely to work.
Not unreasonably inefficient = ?
reasonably inefficient
unreasonably efficient
William S. Warner
Not the Negative
Don’t write in the negative.
Write in the affirmative.
Make negatives affirmatives:
not many = few
not the same = different
not different = alike
does not have = lacks
not old enough = too young
did not remember = forgot
did not consider = ignored
did not allow = prevented
not possible = impossible
William S. Warner
Multiple
Negatives
Disengagement of the gears is not
possible without unlocking mechanism
release.
o negatives conditional
o combine negatives with passives
o nominalization
Change negatives to the affirmatives
Nominalization to clause
Passive to active
Less Negative
 Reader wants to know
what is
not what is not
Negative other than not
Stronger
Specific
Concise
To disengage the gears, release
the locking mechanism.
More Positive
Not honest = dishonest
Not important = minor, trifling
Did not remember = forgot
Did not pay attention = ignored
Did not have much confidence =
shy?
wary?
distrusted?
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Negative + Positive
Strong
Ask not what your country can do for you –
ask what you can do for your country.
The issue is not correlation, rather, causation.
Censors do not supplement freedom, they supplant it.
The claim is not opinion, but fact;
not feeling, but thinking,
not emotion, but logic.
William S. Warner
Hedges - CYA
Too often: sound uncertain
usually
apparently
often
comparatively
sometimes fairly
almost
so to speak
virtually
somewhat
possibly
relatively
perhaps
to some extent
sort of
to a certain degree
seemingly more or less
I would argue… (to avoid commitment)
Emphatics
To excess: sound arrogant, defensive
very
highly
extremely
obviously
invariably
it is obvious
it is agreed that
it is true that
the fact is
we can plainly see
as everyone knows
it is clear that
Substitute damn every time you’re
inclined to write very; your editor will
delete it and the writing will be just as
it should be.
Mark Twain
William S. Warner
Precision: essence of style
Precise logic
Precise words
Precise structure
very
little
quite
rather
pretty
Administrators hate waste
somewhat
Engineers economize materials and so forth
Artisans prefer elegant work
considerable
Athletes are never sloppy
vast majority
etc.
William S. Warner
Save doubt for real uncertainty
Would
Should
Could
May
Might
Can
If every sentence admits doubt,
your writing will lack authority
Precision Holds Attention
not general but specific
not vague but definite
not abstract but concrete
A period of unfavorable weather set in.
It rained every day.
The results did not seem satisfactory.
False data invalidated the test.
Vague and general
In proportion as the customs of the
nation are cruel and barbarous, the
regulations of its penal code will be
severe.
Vivid and particular
In proportion as Americans defend
corporal punishment they will torture
by water-boarding and execute by
hanging.
William S. Warner
Avoid Doubt
Take a Stand
William S. Warner
Choice
Not Tic
Cut Clichés to the bone
Fashionable in conversation, boring in writing
No originality, impact
Students can enhance their papers by
revealing insight.
Students enhance their papers by revealing
insight.
Precision might be ranked among the most
important qualities of good writing.
Precision is one of the most important
qualities of good writing.
add insult to injury, beef up, against the backdrop, at this point in time, big
business, no uncertain terms, powers that be, stretched too thin, the perfect
storm, war-torn country, financial circles, laid to rest, pushing the envelope,
wake-up call, win-win situation, face the music, sad but true
people - Which ones?
everyday life – Omit or specify
in today's society – Today? Who is "society"?
this day and age – Which age: digital technology, globalization?
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Clichés turn off the visual brain
We needed to think outside the box in search of the holy grail,
but found it was neither a magic bullet nor a slam dunk, so
we rolled with the punches and let the chips fall were they
may while seeing the glass as half-filled – it was a no-brainer!
Mixed metaphors
No one has invented a condom that will knock
people’s socks off.
Imagine the reader is seeing the world
not listening to words
Jargon or Technical Term
Jargon - term reader
Technical term
• does not understand
• reader understands
• can use plain language
• no plain language equivalent
Negative environmental
Do not define technical terms
impacts
Explain in context
air pollution, soil erosion,
global village
water contamination,
corporate social responsibility
contagious diseases
smart agriculture
Negative health outcomes
capacity building
illness, mutilation, disease,
death , epidemic
William S. Warner
Business
Grants that
Financial Times Oct. 23, 2014
dignify nonsense with seriousness
At a national level, the department engaged stakeholders positively. This
helped to improve stakeholder buy-in to agreed changes.
The project is a cross-sector initiative bringing together experts…to enable
multi-tier practitioner-oriented collaboration on resilience and counterterrorism challenges and opportunities.
obscure the truth
These grants will incentivise administrators and educators to apply relevant
metrics to assess achievement in the competencies they seek to develop.
A multi-agency project catering for holistic diversionary provision to young
people for positive action linked to the community safety strategy and the
pupil referral unit.
William S. Warner
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p02pw68l
“Although the strategic rationale of combining our two
companies remains strong, the agreed upon valuation is no
longer supported as a result of the changes to our tax rules.”
Richard Gonzalez, AbbVie’s chief executive
Because of the tax changes, we can no longer justify the price.
“Hewlett-Packard has reignited its innovation pipeline. HP will
deliver innovations that will empower people to create, interact
and inspire like never before.”
Actually, it will sell personal computers and printers.
William S. Warner
Politics
as usual
I would say that’s
a major
accomplishment
“My accomplishments as Secretary of State? Well, I'm glad you
asked. My proudest accomplishment in which I take the most
pride, mostly because of the opposition it faced early on, the
remnants of prior situations and mindsets that were too narrowly
focused in a manner whereby they may have overlooked the
bigger picture and we didn't do that and I'm proud of that. Very
proud. I would say that's a major accomplishment."
Hillary Clinton, 11 March 2014
William S. Warner
William S. Warner
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Rhetorical
Question?
• Figure of speech asked to make a point
Is universal health care good?
• Not acceptable thesis
But can move reader to support thesis
What kind of a country does not ensure its citizens health care?
Is it jargon?
1. Identify your audience
2. First draft – write for yourself
3. Thereafter – write for the reader
 Reader knows subject
But you know more
To disagree the reader must
target author’s assumptions
Universal care is not the only way to ensure citizens’ health.
Or, support an inferior version of the country.
Universal health care is a privilege not a right.
William S. Warner
William S. Warner
Avoid Shortcuts
And/or
Would a new strategy increase credibility and/or transparency?
Would a new strategy increase credibility or transparency or both?
Etc. = “and other things”
Avoid if etc. leaves reader in doubt
Passing the course includes attendance, assignments, etc.
The samples were numbered sequentially, 1, 2, 3, etc.
Do not use etc. if list is introduced by Such as, For example
1. Offers synonyms
2. Look up alternative(s) in dictionary
hypothesis
conjecture
speculation
assumption
premise
Thesaurus
3. Select the appropriate
William S. Warner
Conclusion
Resist temptation to give up
Summary of analysis: Based upon the evidence…
To conclude. . . Unoriginal signpost to end
Avoid restating thesis verbatim
Read conclusions of journal articles
Go beyond recapping key points
“So what?” What does this mean for scholarly discourse?
Pique readers curiosity – Where do we go from here?
May need to defend yourself against critiques
William S. Warner
William S. Warner
Stimulate Curiosity
Negative Consequences
What will happen if reader ignores your argument
Ultimate consequences not the same as ultimatums
Do not detail
No Viable Alternative
Options to this argument are not workable
Does not launch attack on any particular alternative
You set standards: if other can’t match, you win
Positive Consequences
Potential new possibilities will happen
Will not be realized unless argument is accepted
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