fall 2014
A mourner is, perforce, a person with a story. The pity is, how very
rarely it gets told.
–Christian McEwen
In This Issue
1The language of grief
3 Coping with the
holidays
4 How can I comfort
my teen?
5 Adult Support Groups
The language of grief
Loss and grief are so powerful and life-changing they can literally leave us at a
loss for words. As a grief counselor, I often hear from individuals in mourning
who say that people don’t understand them and don’t “speak the same
language.” After a loved one dies, we may find we need new language to
express our unique experience.
Recently a team of researchers (Corless et al, 2014)* considered this dilemma
by asking bereaved individuals how they express their grief. The researchers
identified four distinct modes of expression that a person in mourning may
use as they try to understand their experience and make meaning from it.
Those four modes are called narrative, symbolism, metaphor and analysis.
•Narrative is the story we tell ourselves and others about our loved
one’s death.
•Symbolism is the way we link our loved one with an object that’s significant to us. For instance, we may refer to a loved one’s spirit as a particular animal or as a star in the sky.
•Metaphor is one of the most frequent means of expressing grief. Common
metaphors include grief as a river, a wave, a storm or a labyrinth.
•Analysis refers to the way we identify which ideas or language is helpful
to us. For example, we decide when or if a piece of advice is useful.
Continued on page 2
The language of grief
Depending on someone’s life experience, cultural and/or
spiritual background, he or she will use these modes of
expression in their own unique way. The common thread
is they all represent the natural use of language to process
grief, heal and grow.
Here’s how you can apply this information to
your own grief journey:
Narrative: What do you tell yourself and others about
your loved one’s death? When you are aware of your
unique, individual story, you can begin to make changes
that will help you move along the grief path. For example,
even a slight shift in language from “I can’t live without
him” to “How can I live without him” may create an
opening for new understanding and potential options. In
addition, if you write your story, you can note changes
over time and reinforce your healing and progress.
Symbolism: Consider how you use symbolism to process
your grief. What special object best represents your loved
one? A neighbor of mine found solace in seeing her
mother as a dragonfly.
Metaphor: Close your eyes for a moment, take a deep
breath and focus on some aspect of your grief. Ask
yourself if your grief has a particular shape, color or
sensation? What does it remind you of? Sometimes
it helps to have a piece of paper and crayons, chalk
or pen handy to either write or draw.
Continued from page 1
Analysis: What are some of the comments you’ve heard?
Well-meaning friends may suggest you start dating again
if you lost your spouse or that you move on and put grief
behind you. Even the comment, “I’m sorry for your loss”
may seem insensitive and may close the door on further
communication. How do you feel when people say such
things, and how do you respond?
There aren’t any quick and easy answers in this process
we know as grief. While the challenges you face may be
many, you are learning a new, universal language that
will help you process your grief and live a full and
meaningful life.
If you would like to meet others who are also learning to
speak this new language, you are invited to join our grief
support groups. These groups offer opportunities to share
and learn as well as to give and receive support. Give us a
call. We’d like to help as you learn this new language.
-Barb Digman, grief support services counselor
*Corless, Inge B., et al. Languages of Grief: a model for
understanding the expressions of the bereaved. Health
Psychology and Behavioral Medicine, 2(1), 132-143.
Recommended Readings
“Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working
Through Grief” by Martha Whitmore Hickman
“Don’t Take My Grief Away from Me: How to Walk
Through Grief and Learn to Live Again,” 3rd ed.
by Doug Manning
2
Special Events - Coping with the Holidays
Managing loss and grief during a time of seasonal
celebration can seem overwhelming. Our Coping with
the Holidays workshops offer mutual support and
suggestions to help you gain insight and strength.
There is no charge to attend.
Please let us know if you plan to attend so we
can make sure we have sufficient materials for
the workshop. For more information or to
register, please call 360-493-4667.
Olympia Tuesday, Nov. 11, 6–8 p.m.
Providence SoundHomeCare
and Hospice
3432 South Bay Rd NE, Olympia
Lacey Monday, Nov. 17, 10 a.m. to noon
Lacey Presbyterian Church
3045 Carpenter Road, Lacey
Shelton Date and location is still
to be determined.
For more information, please call
Barb Digman at 360-493-4667.
The 2014 Fall Grief Support Group will meet
Thursdays, 6:15 - 7:45 p.m., Oct. 20 - Dec. 11.
Our regular session topics include:
Week 1:Learning about grief and getting to know
each other
Week 2: Exploring feelings and learning how to cope
with them
Week 3: Sharing our stories
Week 4:Dealing with regret, guilt and unfinished business
Week 5: Identifying and adjusting to changes
Week 6: Keeping memories and staying connected
Group nights begin with pizza and play. The kids, teens
and caregivers then meet in small groups for discussion
and activities designed to explore different aspects of
grief. Each week builds on the concepts, discussions and
activities of the previous week, so attending all six weeks
is recommended.
SoundCareKids is provided at no cost to families in Thurston, Lewis and Mason counties
through funding from Providence St. Peter Foundation.
For more information about counseling or to reserve your place in an upcoming session,
call Providence SoundHomeCare and Hospice at 360-493-5928. Pre-registration is required.
3
S u p p o r t ing yo u r chi l d
How to really help a grieving teen
Many parents and caregivers find adolescents to be a
constant mystery. When a loss occurs, it may be even
more challenging to connect with a teen. As much as
adults want to provide comfort, teens may be unwilling
to talk about their grief. Some teens can’t even verbalize
what they’re feeling, what they are struggling with or
what they need because their grief is so powerful.
Grieving teens commonly experience these
reactions:
»» Changes in behavior
»» Acting like the death didn’t happen
»» Withdrawing from friends and family
»» Sleeping problems or nightmares
»» Concentration trouble
»» Changes in appetite
»» Mood swings
Cognitively, teens understand that death is permanent
and universal. They understand the loss will change
them, but they don’t want to be seen as different. It can
be tricky for parents and caregivers to balance a teen’s
need for independence and autonomy with support and
attention during their time of grief.
Bridget Park, a high school senior in Reno, Nev., was
recently featured in a TEDx talk about teens and grief.
She bravely shared her family’s story of grief and loss
after her older brother’s suicide. Bridget exposed many
of the unhelpful and potentially harmful platitudes
people say to those who are grieving. She eloquently
stated, “The way you comfort someone can make a big
difference in how they feel.”
Bridget went on to describe how our culture’s fear of
death can impede healing for survivors. “Have you ever
noticed that death isn’t talked about often? Death is like
the skeleton in the closet that no one wants to bring
out. It makes us uncomfortable. This is why everyone
is awkward whenever we talk to someone who is
grieving. We just don’t know what to say. It’s our natural
reaction to say, ‘I’m sorry’ because we really do feel
terrible for what happened to them, but like I said, it’s
not comforting. So, this is what I’ve learned. I’ve learned
that what most people said to me when I was grieving
made me feel worse even though they didn’t mean to.”
Another excerpt sums up her feelings beautifully, “Don’t
feel sorry for me and treat me differently … this does not
comfort me.”
Bridget offers these specific ways to comfort
a grieving teen:
»» Take time to share positive memories of the
person who died.
»» Offer support such as, “I’m here to talk if you
need to.”
»» Offer a hug.
»» Acknowledge the death without pity.
»» Validate feelings of loss by saying, “I know you
miss them. I miss them too.”
»» Be honest and talk about feelings of grief.
»» Encourage him or her to engage with friends and
participate in enjoyable activities.
These tactics will help your teen feel supported,
connected and reassured as they grieve, while making
a positive difference in how they feel.
To watch Bridget Park’s presentation, visit
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySeZLAqcnuo.
Recommended Readings
“The Truth About Forever” by Sarah Dessen
4
Adult Support Groups
Everyone has the capacity to heal and grow after the
life-altering experience of a major loss. Our goal is to
help people understand and cope with their grief while
offering support and opportunities to learn and grow.
We help people identify needs and strengths, and we
work with them to develop a plan to address these
needs and strengths. We welcome individuals, families
and groups in the community.
For information about individual counseling or to make
an appointment, call 360-493-4667.
A d u l t S u p p o r t G r o u p s (Ongoing)
Daytime
1st and 3rd Monday of each month
10 - 11:30 a.m.
Lacey Presbyterian Church
3045 Carpenter Road SE, Lacey
Information: 360-493-4667
1st and 3rd Tuesday of each month
1:30 - 3 p.m.
Shelton Health and Rehabilitation Center
153 Johns Court, Shelton
Information: 360-493-4667
Evening
2nd and 4th Tuesday of each month
6 - 7:30 p.m.
Providence SoundHomeCare and Hospice
3432 South Bay Road NE, Olympia
Information: 360-493-4667
Loss of Child Support Group
(The Compassionate Friends)
1st Monday of each month
7 - 8:30 p.m.
Providence St. Peter Hospital (Executive Mtg. Room)
413 Lilly Road NE, Olympia
Information: Allen Roth at 360-402-6711
Coming in January 2015!
A Mindful Approach to Grief (6-week series)
This new grief support group will meet for six
consecutive weeks to explore how the concept of
mindfulness can be an important tool in holding
deep grief.
For additional information, please call Barb Digman
at 360-493-4667.
5
RE14-20155-AM 9-14
Meeting time and place is still to be determined.
Providence SoundHomeCare and Hospice
3432 South Bay Road NE
Olympia, WA 98506
www.providence.org/pshch
NON-PROFIT
ORGANIZATION
U.S. POSTAGE
PAID
OLYMPIA, WA
PERMIT NO. 494
Grief Support for All Ages
Providence SoundHomeCare and Hospice
provides a full range of grief support and
bereavement services for adults and children.
We can help you better understand and cope
with your grief, while offering support and
opportunities to learn and grow.
See INSIDE for more information!
The Trough
There is a trough in waves,
a low spot
where horizon disappears
and only sky
and water are our company.
And there we lose our way
unless
we rest, knowing the wave will bring us
to its crest again.
There we may drown
If we let fear
hold us in its grip and shake us
side to side,
and leave us flailing, torn, disoriented.
But if we rest there
in the trough,
in silence,
being in the low part of the wave,
keeping our energy and
noticing the shape of things,
the flow,
then time alone
will bring us to another
place
where we can see
horizon, see land again,
regain our sense
of where
we are,
and where we need to swim.
– Judy Brown