EDNA THE STOMPER
A Musical in one act
Book and Lyrics by Laura Toffenetti
Music by Janet Jungden
Contact information:
Laura Toffenetti
1116 W. Pratt Unit G
Chicago, IL 60013
773-681-0854
[email protected]
SETTING: Normal, middle class house. Just suggestions of a bedroom, kitchen, outside,
classroom.
ACT I, Scene 1
Edna’s bedroom, lights on, Edna sitting on bed throwing a fit. Tuba music plays
in the background, punctuating the scene.
ENDA
I don’t….! (tosses and turns) I don’t wanna….!(pillow over head) I don’t
wanna….!(crawls under covers til head pops out at the other end) I don’t wanna! I
DON’T WANNA GO TO SLEEP!!!
SONG: I DON’T WANNA GO TO SLEEP (EDNA)
JUST BECAUSE I’M YOUNGER I MUST STAY HERE
LYING IN MY BED WITHOUT A SOUND.
I WOULD RATHER JUMP AND STOMP MY FEET AROUND
AROUND, AROUND, AROUND, AROUND, AROUND.
BUT ME?
I HAVE TO STAY IN BED
AND CLOSE MY EYES
AND REST MY HEAD.
IT’S JUST NOT FAIR!
I DON’T WANNA GO TO SLEEP!
I DON’T WANNA GO TO SLEEP
I DON’T WANNA
I DON’T WANNA
GO TO SLEEP
BUT I GOTTA GO TO SLEEP
BUT I GOTTA GO TO SLEEP
BUT I GOTTA
BUT I GOTTA
GO TO SLEEP
JOSH AND MOM ARE PLAYING THEIR MUSIC.
ELEANOR IS WORKING ON HER BOOK.
DAD IS TRYING OUT HIS NEWEST RE-CIP-ES
CAUSE HIS JOB IS TEACHING OTHERS HOW TO COOK.
AND ME?
I HAVE TO STAY IN BED
AND CLOSE MY EYES
AND REST MY HEAD.
IT’S JUST NOT FAIR!
I DON’T WANNA GO TO SLEEP
I DON’T WANNA GO TO SLEEP
I DON’T WANNA
I DON’T WANNA
GO TO SLEEP
BUT I GOTTA GO TO SLEEP
BUT I GOTTA GO TO SLEEP
BUT I GOTTA
BUT I GOTTA
GO TO SLEEP.
PRETTY SOON THEY’LL ALL COME BARGING IN HERE
TELLING ME TO HUSH UP, GO TO SLEEP.
BUT MY LEGS HAVE GOT THE WIG-GLE-IGLE-IES
AND MY SKIN IS CREEPY, CRAWLIE, CREEPY CREEP.
AND ME?
I HAVE TO STAY IN BED
AND CLOSE MY EYES
AND REST MY HEAD.
IT’S JUST NOT FAIR!
I DON’T WANNA GO TO SLEEP
I DON’T WANNA GO TO SLEEP
I DON’T WANNA
I DON’T WANNA
GO TO SLEEP
BUT I GOTTA GO TO SLEEP
BUT I GOTTA GO TO SLEEP
BUT I GOTTA
BUT I GOTTA
GO TO SLEEP.
I DON’T WANNA GO TO SLEEP
I DON’T WANNA GO TO SLEEP
I DON’T WANNA
I DON’T WANNA
GO TO SLEEP
BUT I GOTTA GO TO SLEEP
BUT I GOTTA GO TO SLEEP
BUT I GOTTA
BUT I GOTTA
GO TO SLEEP.
EDNA
Wahhhhhhhhhahhhhhhhhahhhhhhahhhhhhahhhhhhahhhhhhhahhhhh (stops to take a
breath) wahhhhhahhhhhahhhhhahhhhhahhhhh
FATHER
(opens door) Edna! It’s past your bedtime! Just lay down and go to sleep.
EDNA
Daddy? Could you make me one of your special smoothies? PLEEESE? The one with
papaya and mangoes?
DADDY
(Hesitating) It’s awfully late to be drinking a smoothie.
EDNA
But I’m so hot! And they taste so good! Tangy and sweet and refreshing. I’m sure I’ll be
able to sleep if you make me one.
DADDY
(flattered) How about we split one.
EDNA
(leaping out of bed, sneaking a peek for MONSTERS under her bed) Thanks, Daddy. Can
I help? I could peel that Papaya for you!
DADDY
What are you doing?
ENDA
Nothing.
DAD
You were looking for monsters, weren’t you! Ah, you tipped your hand. There are no
monsters under your bed. No smoothie tonight. We’ll make one tomorrow.
EDNA
But Daddy! You won’t be here tomorrow!
DAD
Ah. Right. Meeting about my new cookbook. Tell you what, I’ll leave the recipe for you
on the table and you can ask your sister to help you in the morning. OK? Now go to
sleep.
MOM
(Peeking head in) What’s going on in here? Why aren’t you asleep?
DADDY
(whispers) Monsters under the bed again.
MOM
Edna! You know better than that. Seven year olds do NOT believe in monsters. You’re
father’s got to get up early tomorrow. (to DAD) it’s OK, Michael. I’ll take care of her.
You need to get ready for tomorrow. (to EDNA) Now lay down and quit being so silly.
DAD
Thanks, hon. (kisses MOM and EDNA goodnight)
EDNA
Sorry, Mom. (MOM moves toward door.) Could you play a song for me? To help me go
to sleep?
Mom
If I play for you will promise no more nonsense?
EDNA
You haven’t played for me in a long time.
MOM
My schedule with the orchestra has been rather hectic lately. I tell what, I’ll play you
ONE sonata and then to sleep.
EDNA
Thanks Mommy.
MOM
Let me get my violin. (MOM exits)
EDNA
(sticking head under bed and sing in a singsong-y way) Mom’s going to play a song for
me! You won’t get to eat me!
(phone rings)
MOTHER
(answering phone off stage) Hello? Oh hi, Mom! Just a minute (calls to Edna) Edna,
honey! Grandma’s on the phone. You go to sleep and I’ll play for you in the morning.
EDNA
No! No! You promised! You promised! I won’t go to sleep! I won’t! Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhh!
Wahhhhhhahhhhhhhahhhhhhhahhhhh (stops to take a breath) Wahhhhhahhhhhhahhhh
ELEANOR
(enters) EDNA! Stop your yelling! Mom’s on the phone and Dad’s trying to sleep!
EDNA
But Mom promised!
ELEANOR
You are way too old to be pulling this stuff.
EDNA
What do you mean?
ELEANOR
This has nothing to do with Mom playing for you and you know it.
EDNA
She promised.
ELEANOR
And then Grandma called. I know why you won’t go to sleep.
EDNA
Monsters. They want to eat me. Josh said.
ELEANOR
You know there aren’t really monsters. Josh loves teasing you because that idiotic brother
of ours thinks it’s fun to you get so upset. If you stopped getting upset he’d stop teasing
you. There’s nothing under your bed but toys and dust bunnies.
EDNA
But Josh said they’d eat my toes.
ELEANOR
He’s your brother! Brothers like to scare their little sisters. Look under your bed. There
are no monsters.
EDNA
He said they’d eat my nose.
ELEANOR
Edna. There are no monsters.
EDNA
He said they’d eat my eyelashes!
ELEANOR
Eyelashes?
EDNA
Dessert.
ELEANOR
Eyelashes. For dessert. They must be on a diet. IF they existed, which they don’t because
there are no monsters.
EDNA
I’m afraid.
ELEANOR
You? Afraid? You’re not afraid to have a fit and disturb the whole house. What are a few
little ol’ monsters to you?
EDNA
You said there weren’t any monsters! You lied! It’s not nice to lie! MOM! ELEANOR
LIED!!!
ELEANOR
I can’t believe this. Go to sleep.
(ELEANOR leaves room and sings)
MY LITTLE SISTER (ELEANOR)
SHE WANTS TO HANG OUT
WITH ME AND MY FRIENDS
AND DO ALL THE THINGS THAT I DO
OF COURSE SHE CAN’T
SHE’S JUST A LITTLE KID
BUT HER SCREAMS HAVE ME FEELING ASKEW!
SHE'S MY LITTLE SISTER
SO I LOVE HER
MY LITTLE SISTER
ELEANOR
SHE’S MY LITTLE SISTER
SO I LOVE HER
JOSH
BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN SHE DOESN’T
DRIVE YOU NUTS
BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN SHE DOESN’T
DRIVE YOU NUTS
LITTLE SISTER
BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN
SHE DOESN’T YOU NUTS
JOSH AND ELEANOR
OUR LITTLE SISTER
EDNA
There’s monsters in here! They’re going to eat me!
ELEANOR
It’s your turn.
JOSH
I need to get back to my tuba.
ELEANOR
You’re the one that convinced her they’re waiting to eat her.
JOSH
(laughing) Oh that!
JOSH
SHE'S MY LITTLE SISTER
SO I TEASE HER
MY LITTLE SISTER
JOSH
SHE’S MY LITTLE SISTER
SO I TEASE HER
ELEANOR
IT’S SO FUNNY CAUSE SHE’S EASY TO FOOL
IT’S SO FUNNY CAUSE SHE’S EASY TO FOOL
IT’S SO FUNNY CAUSE SHE’S EASY TO FOOL
JOSH AND ELEANOUR
OUR LITTLE SISTER
JOSH
SHE BELIEVES WHEN I SAY
THERE’S MONSTERS AROUND
LIVING RIGHT UNDER HER BED
I LOVE IT WHEN SHE SCREAMS
AND THEN
HER EYES BUG RIGHT OUT OF HER HEAD!
SHE'S MY LITTLE SISTER
SO WE LOVE HER
OUR LITTLE SISTER
ELEANOR
SHE’S OUR LITTLE SISTER
LITTLE SISTER
JOSH
THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE SAY WE LOVE
HER SO
THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE SAY WE LOVE
HER SO
THAT DOESN’T MEAN WE SAY WE LOVE
SO
JOSH AND ELEANOR
OUR LITTLE SISTER
ELEANOR
SHE'S GROWING UP FAST
TOO FAST FOR US
SHE THINKS IT’S NOT FAST ENOUGH
JOSH
SHE WANTS TO BE
LIKE ELEANOR
ELEANOR
BUT CRIMINY, WHAT’S THE RUSH?
EDNA
There’s a lot of them! They’re gonna eat my toes!!!!
ELEANOR
(To JOSH) get in there and calm her down.
Tell Edna there really aren’t any monsters living under her bed. I’ve got homework to do.
(exits)
(JOSH enters EDNA’s room)
EDNA
Eleanor said there weren’t any monsters and then she said there were!
JOSH
Don’t listen to her. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Of course there are
monsters under your bed. (Edna whimpers) I should know. This used to be my room.
They like this room. Ah, many a terrified night I spent here, burying my head under the
covers.
ELEANOR
(from off stage) Josh! Quit scaring her!
JOSH
(quieter) It’s nothing to worry about. You trust me, right?
EDNA
THERE’S MONSTERS! YOU SAID!
RIGHT UNDER MY BED!
WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE TRUE?
OH, WHY CAN’T THEY JUST GO AWAY
AND NOT EAT ME BUT EAT YOU?
JOSH
Just keep your feet off the floor and your voice down. You keep yelling like this and
you’ll wake them all up.
EDNA
They’re sleeping?
JOSH
Listen….Can’t you hear them snoring?
EDNA
I thought that was your tuba.
JOSH
Their snoring sounds like my tuba. Shhh. Listen.
EDNA
(listens) Yeah. I can. Make them go away.
JOSH
Can’t. They live here just like you do. Remember, keep your feet off the floor and be
quiet. (he flips off light and shuts door)
EDNA
TURN ON THE LIGHT! TURN ON THE LIGHT! (remembers she might wake them)
TURN ON THE LIGHT! JOSH! TURN ON THE LIGHT!
MOM
(enters) Oh stop, you two. Honestly. (enters EDNA’s room (as Josh and Eleanor exit)
EDNA! That’s enough!
EDNA
Josh turned off the light.
MOM
JOSH! WHY MUST YOU TEASE YOUR SISTER!
EDNA
He said there were monsters sleeping under my bed. They’re snoring!
MOM
Why do you let him scare you like that? You’re old enough to know better.
EDNA
But mom…
MOM
But nothing. You should have been asleep an hour ago. (tucks her in) You need to get
your mind to think about fun things not imaginary monsters.
EDNA
How come you don’t believe in monsters?
MOM
I’ve never seen any, have you?
EDNA
Sometimes. Maybe. I think I have.
MOM
You are a little girl with too much imagination.
EDNA
Too much what?
MOM
Imagination. You’re too good at pretending.
MOM
YOU ARE A CHILD WHO
LOVES TO PRETEND
WHICH IS FINE WHEN THERE’S NOTHING TO DO
BUT YOU’RE SCARING YOURSELF
WITH THESE GOBLINS AND ELVES
THERE ARE NO CREATURES WAITING FOR YOU
YOU’RE MY LITTLE EDNA
LITTLE EDNA
MY LITTLE EDNA
(slowly and lovingly) HUSH CLOSE YOUR EYES NOW IT’S TIME TO
SLEEP
HUSH CLOSE YOUR EYES NOW IT’S TIME TO SLEEP.
HUSH CLOSE YOUR EYES NOW IT’S TIME TO SLEEP
MY LITTLE EDNA.
EDNA
But, Mom!
MOM
Shhhh. Edna, if you try to sleep, I’ll tell you a secret.
EDNA
What?
MOM
Grandma’s coming in two days!
EDNA
Grandma! I can’t wait! Maybe she can scare these monsters away.
MOM
Oh, Edna! Really?
EDNA
But Mom? Josh says they’re real.
MOM
Now what would Grandma think if she heard that her granddaughter was afraid to go to
sleep, a big girl like you. I tell you what. We’ll keep her visit a secret. We won’t tell
anyone she’s coming until dinner.
EDNA
You mean I get to make the big announcement?
MOM
If you go to sleep. I’ll leave the nightlight on. (kiss) Night, pook.
EDNA
Night mom.
(MOM exit. EDNA buries her head under blanket. Toe sticks out. She quickly tests
putting her toe on the floor. Nothing happens. She tries again, slower. Finally she
emerges from the blanket.)
She’s right. I can’t let Grandma think I’m afraid of monsters. I’m gonna make the
monsters be ascared of me!
(Stands on bed and starts marching back and forth.)
Hello, Monsters? I’m sorry if I’m waking you up but I have something to tell you. I’m
not gonna be ascared of you anymore! I’m not afraid of you! So come on out and fight!
Come on! …. Where are you?…. What’s a matter? You guys chicken? Bawk bawk
bawk!
MONSTERS
(giant shadows of the monsters dance on the walls.)
Boo! Grrrr! WE’RE NOT CHICKENS! WE”RE MONSTERS! WE’RE GONNA EAT
YOU UP! WE LOVE THE TASTE OF LITTLE GIRLS’ TOESIES! WE LOVE THE
TASTE OF LITTLE GIRLS’ NOSIES! AND WE LOVE THE TASTE OF
EYELASHES MOST OF ALL!
EDNA
Ah!
(plops on bed and covers head. Then slowly gets out, stands on bed and starts to
march again. Getting braver as she goes)
I’m not afraid of you. I’m not afraid of you. I’m not afraid of you.
MONSTERS (EDNA)
I’M TIRED OF BEING SCARED
WHEN I GO TO BED
AFRAID TO PUT MY FOOT DOWN
AFRAID TO SHOW MY HEAD
OF SLEEPING WITH THE LIGHT ON
AND CALLING MOM AND DAD
OF BEING TOLD I’M CHICKEN
I’M GETTING KIND OF MAD
I’M GONNA STOMP YOU OUT
COME ON OUT AND FIGHT!
I’M GONNA STOMP YOU OUT
STOMP ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT
I’M GONNA STOMP YOU OUT
I’M NOT AFRAID OF YOU!
I’M GONNA STOMP YOU OUT
AND YOU AND YOU AND YOU!
MONSTERS:
WE’RE GONNA EAT YOUR TOES
AND CHEW OFF BOTH YOUR EARS
WE’RE SCARY MONSTERS
THE FACE OF ALL YOUR FEARS
WE HIDE OUT IN THE DAYTIME
AND COME OUT IN THE NIGHT
WE DANCE AROUND YOUR ROOM
AND GIVE YOU QUITE A FRIGHT
EDNA
I’M GONNA STOMP YOU OUT
MONSTERS
HA! YOU’RE SCARED OF US!
EDNA
I’M GONNA STOMP YOU OUT
MONSTERS
WE’RE SURE TO MAKE A FUSS
EDNA
I’M GONNA STOMP YOU OUT
MONSTERS
AROUND YOUR BED WE PROWL!
EDNA
I’M GONNA STOMP YOU OUT
MONSTERS
JUST LISTEN TO US HOWL!
(EDNA jumps off of bed and runs and switches on the lights. Lights come on and
show the MONSTERS for the little guys they are (hand puppets))
EDNA
You’re the monsters???? But you’re so puny!!! You’re just little bitty things! I’m not
ascared of you! Come on! I’m gonna stomp you to smithereens!
MONSTERS
Don’t hurt us! We didn’t mean it! I have a wife and kids! Help!
EDNA
Why you’re just a bunch of babies! I’m ashamed to have you living under my bed.
You’re not scary at all.
MONSTERS
We never said we were scary! That was YOUR idea! You’re the one that believed Josh!
EDNA
But I thought you were REAL!
MONSTERS
We are real…real little…
EDNA
You are such a disappointment.
MONSTERS
You’re not going to…to…stomp us, are you?
EDNA
No. I guess not. If you nibbled on my toes it would probably tickle
MONSTER
Yeah.
EDNA
How did you ever manage to scare Josh?
MONSTER
He used to hide under the covers and shake so much the bed would move! He thought
that was us!
EDNA
Really?
MONSTERS
Well, not very often…Mostly it was when it was windy out and the tree would tap on the
window. (laughing) He thought that was us, too!
EDNA
You guys are pathetic.
MONSTERS
Sorry. We try. It’s not our fault we’re so puny. You should see our cousins!
EDNA
Are they scary?
MONSTERS
No. They’re punier than us. Please don’t make us leave! It’s cold outside! And we like it
here!
EDNA
Really? What do you do?
MONSTERS
We raise dust bunnies!
EDNA
You raise dust bunnies?
MONSTERS
Sure! We have so many under here we could make you slippers!
EDNA
Dust bunny slippers?
MONSTERS
Sure! They’re real warm and soft and they’ll keep your yummy toes all nice and cuddly.
EDNA
“yummy” toes.
MONSTERS
Uh, did we say yummy? Uh…We didn’t mean yummy we meant, uh…what did we
mean? (Whisper with each other) Toasty!
EDN
(suspicious. Toast is a food word) You’re going to toast my toes and eat them!
MONSTER
No! We wouldn’t do that! Eat your toes? Ha ha! Is to laugh! Your toes are too stinky to
eat!
EDNA
Really? So if I promise not to wash my feet you’ll promise not to eat my feet?
MONSTERS
We promise! Do you think you could get us a peanut butter sandwich once in a while?
Like on Tuesdays?
EDNA
Just one?
MONSTERS
We don’t eat very much.
EDNA
And what about the dust bunny slippers?
MONSTERS
We uh…we uh….we kind of just made that up. We don’t know how to make dust bunny
slippers. We don’t know how to do anything except scare little kids.
EDNA
Well, I’m not a little kid so you won’t be scaring me…but… you can stay. I mean if you
want to. If you have no place to go. (Yawns) I’m tired. It’s late. I should have been
asleep an hour ago! I got a busy day tomorrow. Grandma’s coming!
MONSTERS
Grandma! We love Grandma!
EDNA
You know Grandma?
MONSTERS
Sure. We used to scare her when she was little, too!
EDNA
Wait until I tell her how big you really are! (Yawns again and pats them on the head)
Night, fellas!
MONSTERS
Night Edna!, Sleep tight!
EDNA
Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
MONSTERS
Bedbugs? There’s bedbugs? I’m afraid of bedbugs! Bedbugs are scary!
EDNA
Bedbugs aren’t scary! You just STOMP THEM OUT!
MONSTERS
hee, hee! Stomp them out!