How not to write like a barbarian
Most Ombudsman investigations culminate in a piece of writing,
so it’s important that the readers can easily make sense of it. In the
second of a series of three articles, Martin Cutts, research director
of Plain Language Commission (www.clearest.co.uk) looks at some
common pitfalls and how to avoid them.
S
cientists once thought the
dividing line between humans
and the rest of the animal
kingdom was our ability to use tools.
Now, humans have learned that
chimpanzees can use and modify
tools to extract tasty termites from a
mound, that crows can make a hook
from a piece of wire to solve a puzzle,
and that rats can chew The Green
Book into a nasty pulp and fashion it
into successful expenses claims.
So where is the dividing line
nowadays? Perhaps it’s the ability
of humans to create artwork,
contemplate their own death or –
like the White Queen in Through
the Looking-Glass – ‘to believe as
many as six impossible things before
breakfast’.
Those who worry about written
English, which should include
everyone who writes for an
ombudsman, often have a similar
dividing line between what they
regard as civilized text and the savage
utterances of knuckle-dragging
barbarians.
This article is about a few of
the things that are on the wrong
side of my dividing line. This is
because either they impede clear
communication or they distract
readers who care about how English
is written.
1Using run-on sentences
Run-on sentences are increasingly
common, even among degree-toting
professionals like schoolteachers
and social workers. Yet they are
rare in edited work because most
publishers regard them as a gross
error of punctuation. In a run-on
sentence, the author fails to use a
clear sentence-end marker such as a
full stop, causing the rushing reader
to miscue. Here are three examples:
n You will need to change your
employee’s tax codes before
the start of the tax year, the
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The Ombudsman Issue 38
instructions on form P9X tell you
how to. (HMRC, 2008)
n Luggage can be carried on our
trains, however we ask that you
bring no more than you can
comfortably carry. (Virgin Trains,
2008)
n The gang are believed to have
compiled 19 songs which were put
on to the sites, some are thought to
have attracted attention from music
bosses. (The Times, 2009)
In each case, the comma should be a
full stop or semicolon because at that
point another full sentence, with its
own main verb, begins.
for a word of high praise, then
‘special’, ‘astounding’ and ‘remarkable’
may do. For peerless people or
animals, ‘nonpareil’ deserves to be
more popular. Resist, though, the
Latin charms of ‘sui generis’.
5Writing ‘please find enclosed’
This phrase was beloved of servile
Victorian clerks who would also
sidle up to ‘beg the favour of your
esteemed perusal’. These days few
envelopes are so big that people
have to go a-hunting to ‘find’ things
in them. It’s the same with ‘please
find attached’. If the damn thing’s
attached, why will I have to wake my
trusty bloodhound to find it? So use
‘I enclose’ or ‘I attach’ instead.
6Using useless headings
The most useless heading in all
creation must be ‘Please note’, closely
followed by ‘Notice’. I have a leaflet
2Using ‘advise’ when you
in front of me from a private eye
mean ‘inform’
clinic. (No, quick reader, not a clinic
This crime is rife in business English
for detectives – that would be a
and further spread by train announcers private-eye clinic. Nor even a place
(or DJs, as some prefer to style
for Ian Hislop to get his bald pate
themselves): ‘Customers are advised
treated – that would be a Private Eye
that this train is 12 minutes late.’ Keep clinic.) The leaflet, which has print
‘advise’ for when you are giving advice so small it can only be read by people
to someone. Otherwise tell them,
with good eyesight, has numerous
inform them, or let them know.
predictive headings like ‘Glaucoma’
and ‘Cataracts’, so the skimming,
3Using ‘refute’ when you
scanning reader can find and study
mean ‘deny’
the bits they want. But among the
Refute means to disprove by giving
headings is the dreaded ‘Please
evidence. Deny means just saying
note’. The text beneath says: ‘At your
something’s not true. ‘Robin Smith,
consultation it may be necessary for
Yorkshire’s chairman, refuted the
you to have eye drops which mean
allegations.’ (Daily Telegraph, 2005)
that you will be unable to drive and
Not so, as he gave no evidence to
therefore you will need to arrange for
support his opinion.
transportation home following your
examination.’ So a more predictive
4Qualifying ‘unique’
heading would perhaps be ‘Warning:
‘Club Med is a totally unique holiday don’t drive yourself home’. And while
experience’, claims a brochure.
we’re about it, we could do a free
Though ‘almost unique’ is just about
translation of that 35-word sentence
possible, every schoolchild knows (or and split it up: ‘The doctor may put
used to) that unique is an absolute
drops in your eyes, which will affect
and needs no qualifying. So ‘each
your vision. So please don’t try to
child is unique’ is true even when
drive yourself home afterwards –
your buggy holds identical twins. If
arrange other transport instead.’
Roger Federer wins a sixteenth grand
Well, those are some of my
slam tournament, his achievement
principles and, as Groucho Marx
will be unique and not, for example,
said, ‘If you don’t like them, I have
really or very unique. If you’re groping others.’