Regret Despondence
Twelfth Tradition wrote: “yet I'm trying to conjure some feelings of regret. I don't have any. I feel
despondent that I don't have any real feelings of regret-I feel humbled ...
I am relieved ...
I am anxious with the certainty that my ego will take back over at some
point (if it already hasn't) and I will be back in the same acting out
cycle again (if not already).”
Take what you want, need or can use and free free to leave, ignore or delete the rest.
I have had my own struggles with recovery thinking and the English language. I like to think of myself
as reasonably intelligent but ... the facts don't always bear that out or support it much. My EGO tends to
tell me some lies. One of the worst ones I had to overcome (not that I actually have overcome it) was
thinking I knew what the words that came out of my mouth and ran around inside my head actually
meant. I find it embarrassing and humiliating to think I have a college degree and don't know what simple
words mean (and Thank God for spell checker).
Regret ...
–verb (used with object)
to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he
1.
regretted it.
2.
to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth.
–noun
3.
a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.
4.
a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc.
5.
regrets, a polite, usually formal refusal of an invitation: I sent her my regrets.
6.
a note expressing regret at one's inability to accept an invitation: I have had four acceptances and
one regret.
Despondence ...
–noun
state of being despondent; depression of spirits from loss of courage or hope; dejection
Humbled ...
–adjective
not proud or arrogant; modest: to be humble although successful.
1.
2.
having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc.: In the presence of so many worldfamous writers I felt very humble.
3.
low in rank, importance, status, quality, etc.; lowly: of humble origin; a humble home.
4.
courteously respectful: In my humble opinion you are wrong.
5.
low in height, level, etc.; small in size: a humble member of the galaxy.
–verb (used with object)
6.
to lower in condition, importance, or dignity; abase.
7.
to destroy the independence, power, or will of.
8.
to make meek: to humble one's heart.
It seems to me, unless of course you really like and enjoy despondence and being humbled, that
having those two feelings might (I could be wrong of course) indicate some regret ... Maybe not the way
your mind tells you you ought to do this whole 'regret' thing. I was an actor ... Supposedly I knew how to
do any emotion ... yeah, right. Maybe it could be possible that the cross association tapes might be
somewhat askew? I know mine were/are. They certainly don't follow the schematic.
Anxious .. Like anxiety maybe?
Fear?
Fear of what?
Maybe some self inflected pain? In particular an association with anticipated pain as a result of
behaviors that are somewhat unhealthy.
Could part of this anxiety be maybe a desire to express a regret to accept any future invitation(s)
to act out again?
I submit for your consideration that you may very well be experiencing some regret. Just maybe
not the way you have defined it for yourself ... When I first stumbled on this idea I had no idea how much
more was going to get revealed ... Tip of iceberg time for me.
Stay sober just for today