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By David Emerald & Donna Zajonc, MCC - November 28, 2014
"No" is a Complete Sentence
Saying "yes" when you really mean "no" will insert you into the Dreaded
Drama Triangle (DDT)™ about as fast as anything you can say or do.
When we find ourselves in the DDT, both of us tend to default to the
Rescuing role because our strategy to deal with insecurity or fear is to
accommodate and try to please others. Our nature is to try to make
everything turn out well and create a smooth path in our relationships.
The dark side of always wanting to be helpful is that we sometimes say
"yes" so often that we forget what we really want because we are
tending to the needs of others before our own. Later we may regret
that we didn't say "no" and end up criticizing and persecuting each
other. Or, we persecute ourselves because we are spending our time
and resources committed to something we didn't really care about.
During the holidays it is really easy to forget that "no" is a complete
sentence. For those of us who are "no challenged," the holidays can
be especially difficult because we want so much to be happy and
make others happy.
"No" is one of the first words all babies learn because it leads to healthy
boundaries and positive self-identity. As we grow-up, it is difficult,
especially for Rescuers, to simply say, "no thank you."
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During the coming week, try this experiment. Attempt to say "no" to
anything you don't want to do, be it requests at home or at work. It is
can be a scary, but amazingly liberating exercise.
Notice your emotional state when you say no. Also notice your
behavior. Are you tempted to keep talking or have to justify your
answer? Do you end up eventually saying yes because you couldn't
stand risking displeasure or disappointing others?
From time-to-time we all say "yes" to things we would rather not do,
either because of the value we put in the relationship or because of a
necessity that may be present. It is when our primary strategy in life is
to put everyone else's needs ahead of our own that we can lose our
sense of self - even our individual identity.
There is a paradox in becoming a Creator. In order to be co-creators
with others, we must first become the Creator of our own life.
This holiday season, practice saying "no" and setting the boundaries
that will support the Creator in you. This is the eternal gift you can give
to your self and in turn, be able to share with others.
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Reader Testimonials
"Empowerment -- is there a word that has been more over used and less informative in recent
memory? (Oh well, probably. But you take my point.)
David Emerald's book redeems the word by presenting an elegant, intelligent alternative to the
well known "Drama Triangle." Emerald does not minimize the challenges of shifting from the
victim/persecutor/rescuer roles to the creator/challenger/coach roles of TED*; however, for those
with the maturity to identify and wrestle with the obstacles along the way, TED* offers a way out.
I'll be giving this book to my clients for a long time to come."
Molly Gordon, MCC
"Isn't it so often the case that powerful and compelling ideas are somehow the simplist? The Power
of TED* is the power of Tao. It identifies an empowerment dialectic that rings true and resonates
with common sense and practicality. I not only find immediate usage with my individual clients, but
find it valuably applicable to larger scale consulting engagements as well. I believe we will be
hearing a lot more from Ted in the time ahead as it increasingly becomes a normative part of our
language. Thank you for this masterpiece David!"
Dr. Bert M. Parlee
The "TED* Works! ™," is an electronic newsletter (e-zine) that focuses on
applying TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) ™ to work and life.
TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) and The Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT)
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™ are models that are Trademarked by the Bainbridge Leadership Center and
The Power of TED*. The DDT is derived, with permission, from the Karpman
Drama Triangle, developed by Dr. Stephen Karpman.
This newsletter is written and edited by David Emerald and Donna Zajonc ©
2014, with all rights reserved. Please feel free to send this newsletter in its
entirety to anyone you think might like it. If you would like to reprint the
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without any editing and attach the copyright notice to our material. This material may not be sold to others.
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