Making Your Marriage: Understanding the Well-Built House
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,
and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24
“If there is one lesson I have learned from my years of research it is that a lasting marriage results from a couple’s
ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship. Many couples tend to equate a low level of
conflict with happiness and believe the claim ‘we never fight’ is a sign of marital health. But I believe we grow in
our relationships by reconciling our differences. That’s how we become more loving people and truly experience the
fruits of marriage... there are three different styles of problem solving into which healthy marriages tend to
settle… validating marriage couples compromise often and calmly work out their problems to mutual satisfaction
as they arise… conflict avoiding marriage couples agree to disagree, rarely confronting their differences headon…in a volatile marriage conflicts erupt often, resulting in passionate disputes… previously many psychologists
might have considered conflict-avoiding and volatile marriages to be pathological… (however) research suggests
that all three styles are equally stable and bode equally well for the marriages future.” John Gottman, Ph.D. Why
Marriages Succeed or Fail… and How You Can Make Yours Last.
WHY?... by
KEEPING THE MARITAL HOUSE SOUND!
• Understanding the Sound Marital House (see handout)
• Building and re-building Love Maps
• Turning towards each other more than turning away
…and keeping the 5:1 RATIO!
The magic ratio is 5 to 1. In other words, as long as there is five times as much positive feeling and interaction
between husband and wife as there is negative, we found the marriage was likely to be stable. It was based on
this ratio that we were able to predict whether couples were likely to divorce: in very unhappy couples, there
tended to be more negative than positive interaction. Dr. Gottman
Negative Emotions: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
Anger only has negative effects in marriage if it is expressed along with criticism or contempt, or if it
is defensive. (Eph. 5:26,27)
Positive Emotions: Show your… interest, affection, care, appreciation, concern, empathy,
acceptance, joking and playful side and joy. (Rom 12:15)
EXERCISES: (below)
• Creating a Love Map of Your Partner’s World
• How to Turn Towards Each Other
CREATING A LOVE MAP OF YOUR PARTNER’S WORLD
Instructions: In this exercise you will be learning about your partner’s world. Place the list of
questions on the following pages between you. Take turns answering each question about your
partner’s world. For example, if question #1 says, “Who are your partner’s best friends?” and
it’s your turn, tell your partner who you think are your partner’s best friends. Your partner may
then agree, or give you updated information that better answers the question. Then it’s your
partner’s turn to answer the next question about each other’s lives in a gentle fashion. Keep
switching turns and answering questions for 30 minutes.
(See pages below)
HOW TO TURN TOWARDS EACH OTHER
Instructions: Work on the Everyday Events Checklist separately. Consider items on the list
that you feel would be important for the two of you to change, items in which you want your
partner to turn toward you more. Ignore those areas you are okay with. For example, if you do
the laundry and that’s fine with you, ignore that item. Choose three items on the list that are the
most important to you. Put a star next to the item in which you want turning towards you the
most. Put circles around your second and third choices.
Next discuss your three choices with your partner and discuss how you can change your
everyday lives so that these activities will occur.
THERE IS A LAW OF TURNING TOWARD: TURNING TOWARD LEADS TO MORE
TURNING TOWARD.
Everyday Events Checklist
1. Reuniting at the end of the day and talking about how the day went.
2. Staying in touch with kin, e.g., calling parents (mom, dad, grandparents) or siblings and
in-laws.
3. Shopping for groceries.
4. Cooking dinner, baking together.
5. Shopping together for presents for a friend (e.g. friend's wedding) together.
6. Going out to breakfast Saturday or Sunday with the family.
7. Reading morning paper together.
8. Planning a dinner party together.
9. Having a dinner party.
10. Calling your spouse during the work day.
11. Thinking about your spouse during the work day.
12. Going out on a date with your spouse (no kids).
13. Having an overnight with spouse at a romantic place.
14. Having breakfast together during work week.
15. Going to a church, mosque, or synagogue together.
16. Doing yard work together.
17. Doing physical work outs together.
18. Having weekend outings (e.g., picnic, drives) together.
19. Spending time together with kids -- bedtimes, baths, homework, together.
20. Traveling together (plane, bus train, car).
21. Taking long drives together.
22. Renting a video and watching it together.
23. Ordering dinner in or take out together.
24. Watching TV together.
25. Double dating with another couple or friends.
26. Watching sports events on TV together.
27. Doing a favorite activity together (e.g., bowling, going to the zoo, amusement park,
bicycling, hiking, horseback riding, camping, canoeing, sailing, boating, water skiing,
swimming).
28. Building a fire at home. Sitting in front of the fire and talking or reading together.
29. Listening to music together.
30. Going to a concert together.
31. Going dancing together.
32. Going to a night club or jazz club together.
33. Going to the theater together.
34. Going out to eat together.
35. Giving kid's birthday party together.
36. Taking kid to lessons together.
37. Attending kid's sporting events together.
38. Going to a kid performance (recital, play, etc.) together.
39. Writing letters or cards together.
40. Going to a community event (e.g., church auction) together.
41. Going to a party together.
42. Driving to or from work together and just talking.
43. Planning vacations together.
44. Taking vacations together.
45. Making plans, dreaming together.
46. Walking the dog together.
47. Reading out loud together.
48. Playing a board game or a card game together.
49. Hobbies: e.g., painting, sculpting, making music together.
50. Talking while drinking (alcohol, coffee or tea) together.
51. Going out to your favorite bar or haunt together.
52. Finding time to just talk together without interruptions.
53. Having a regular time when I know I can have my spouse really listen to me.
54. Playing together.
55. Philosophizing together.
56. Gossiping (talking about other people) together.
57. Telephoning people you know together to catch up with them.
58. Visiting a sick friend together.
59. Doing other things to help other people out together.
65. Setting a time to just talk and cuddle.
66. Setting a time to caress romantically.
67. Making time to make love.
68. Establishing time for some real affection between us.
69. Talking over the events of the day.
Copyright 2001, 2002 the Gottman Institute, Inc. All rights reserved