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THE
DRAMA
MAGAZINE
FOR
YOUNG
PEOPLE
MARCH 2015
UPPER GRADES
Pygmalion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Craig Sodaro 2
Granny from Killarney. . . . . . .Anne Coulter Martens 11
DRAMATIZED CLASSICS
(FOR UPPER GRADES)
The Pardoner’s Tale. . . . . . . . . . . . .Geoffrey Chaucer 23
Adapted by Lowell Swortzell
The Open Window. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Saki 29
Adapted by Carol D. Wise
MIDDLE
AND
LOWER GRADES
Prince Roger and the Dastardly Marriage Plot
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Amber Herrick
Stone Soup. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Amy Green
Zadig the Observant. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Margaret Hall
The Singing Bone. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Bruce Berger
PANTOMIME
(FOR ALL GRADES)
33
43
53
57
The Leak. . . . . . . . .Danni Robb and Michael Sturko 62
Terms of Use • Vol. 74, No. 5
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for royalty quotations and permission to copy, reproduce, distribute,
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Magazine for Young People, 897 Washington St., #600160, Newton,
MA 02460.
Publisher: PETER A. DIMOND
Editor: ELIZABETH PRESTON
Editorial Assistant: PAIGE TURNER
Customer Service: LINDA HAND
Shipping: WOODY PALLET
Cover Illustration: CHRIS DEMAREST
897 Washington St., #600160, Newton, MA 02460-0002
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© Sterling Partners, Inc. 2015. Title registered as trademark.
PLAYS, The Drama Magazine for Young People (ISSN 0032-1540,
USPS 473-810) is published seven times a year, monthly except June,
July, August, and September, and bimonthly January/February, by
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Printed in U.S.A.
Plays
March 2015
The drama magazine for young people
What you’ll find in this issue. . .
For upper and middle grades
Pygmalion, by Craig Sodaro
9 actors: 5 female, 4 male; 20 minutes. In this version of “My Fair Lady”—set in
Ancient Greece—foolish sculptor searches in vain for his perfect love while demanding changes in her speech, manners, and personality.
Granny from Killarney, by Anne Coulter Martens
6 actors: 4 female, 2 male; 25 minutes. Perfect for St. Patrick’s Day: Shawn is granted three wishes by his great-great grandmother, who urges him to choose wisely—
which he doesn’t. Could she have been just a figment of his imagination?
The Pardoner’s Tale, adapted from Geoffrey Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales by
Lowell Swortzell
8 actors: 2 male, 1 female, 5 male or female; 20 minutes. A clever tale of greed, thievery, foul deeds, and revenge as we learn once again that money is the root of all evil.
The Open Window, by H. H. Munro (Saki) and adapted by Carol D. Wise
4 actors: 2 male, 2 female; 15 minutes. A friendly young girl with an overactive
imagination terrorizes an anxiety-ridden visitor to her family’s home.
For middle and lower grades
Prince Roger and the Dastardly Marriage Plot, by Amber Herrick
17+ actors: 3 male, 5 female, 2 male/female, 7+ male or female extras; 25 minutes.
A rollicking play featuring one bride, two grooms, a King and Queen who can’t tell
them apart, and a whole kingdom full of kindhearted silliness.
Stone Soup, by Amy Green
8 actors: 4 female, 4 male; 30 minutes. A stranger blows like the tumbleweed into
an unfriendly town in the Old West, with a cooking pot and recipe for stone soup.
Through lies and trickery he manages to encourage the townspeople to share in a
community meal that brings out the friendliness in everyone.
Zadig the Observant, adapted by Margaret Hall from a story by Voltaire
10 actors: 2 male, 1 female, and 7 male/female; 10 minutes. Insightful reasoning
help an ingenious young peasant solve a mystery and win a place in the royal court.
The Singing Bone, a reading play by Bruce Berger
7 actors: 3 male, 1 female, and 3 male/female; 15 minutes. Two brothers accept
King’s challenge to slay a wild boar that is terrorizing the Kingdom, with one brother overcoming family deceit to win the hand of the fair princess.
For all grades
The Leak, by Danni Robb and Michael Sturko
1 male or female actor (in pantomime) and offstage sound effects. Mime tries to read
the newspaper only to end up fighting to plug that darned water leak!
MARCH 2015
1
Upper Grades
Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law.
Only current subscribers may use this
play (www.playsmagazine.com).
Pygmalion
“My Fair Lady” meets Ancient Greek sculptor.
Looking for love in all the wrong places! . . .
by Craig Sodaro
HOMER, the poet
PYGMALION, a sculptor
ADONIA, a young woman
APHRODITE, goddess of love
THEO, a restaurant maitre’d
DAPHNE, a young woman
MEGADATES, her boyfriend
PHOEBE, blind date
GALATEA, a statue
TIME: Long, long ago.
SETTING: Ancient Greece. A few benches
or blocks can be used for seating.
Perhaps a pillar or two to suggest the
Greek mythological setting.
racy. We’ve also got an awful lot of
artists painting and sculpting. I’ve
always wanted to be a sculptor, but my
talent is pretty limited. I whittle nice
little toothpicks and that’s about it.
But I do have a tale about a sculptor,
and it’s very well known. I mean, it’s
even been turned into a movie and a
musical. It’s the story of My Fair Lady,
aka Pygmalion. But Hollywood always
has to go for the big happy ending. Let
me tell you the real story of Pygmalion
and his fair lady. (HOMER sits on one
of the benches. PYGMALION enters
left, followed by ADONIA.)
PYGMALION (Peevishly): You just didn’t follow the directions, Adonia!
ADONIA: But honey, I stuffed the grape
leaves exactly like you told me to.
PYGMALION: They didn’t taste like
AT RISE: HOMER enters right, whit-
Mother’s!
HOMER (To audience): This happens to
quite give you her exact recipe, honey.
tling a piece of wood.
be what historians will call the Golden
Age of Greece. We’re a very creative
bunch and recently have come up with
things like poetry, drama, and democ2
ADONIA (Sweetly): Maybe she didn’t
PYGMALION: Mother would never have
made a mistake.
PLAYS • playsmagazine.com
ADONIA: Maybe you copied it wrong.
APHRODITE (Sighing): We’ve been
either!
PYGMALION: But there’s something
wrong with every girl I meet.
PYGMALION: I don’t make mistakes,
ADONIA: So I guess that leaves me.
PYGMALION: I’m sorry, Adonia, but I
don’t think we should see each other
again.
ADONIA: But we were going to get mar-
ried! You said you’d love me forever
and ever. We’d never be apart and we’d
watch the sun set in our golden years.
PYGMALION: Yeah, well, the sun just
went down. You just don’t stuff a grape
leaf the way I like it stuffed.
ADONIA: Oh, Pygmalion, everybody
told me not to waste my time with you
because you’re soooooo picky. But did I
listen? Oh, no! I thought you just needed a little love and caring. Well, they
were right! You’re a waste of time!
(ADONIA moves right, then turns
back.) Go stuff your own grape leaves!
(ADONIA huffs off right.)
PYGMALION: Well, of all the nerve!
(Calls out) Aphrodite! Aphrodite! Oh,
sweet goddess of love. . .Pygmalion
needs you. Bad. Like right now!
(APHRODITE enters left.)
APHRODITE (Sweetly, but sarcastically):
Why, Pygmalion, one of my biggest
fans.
PYGMALION: You got my last sacrifice?
APHRODITE: The three-legged goat?
PYGMALION: Kinda special, ha?
APHRODITE: It sure had everybody
talking. So, what can I do for you this
time, Pygmalion?
PYGMALION: I want a girlfriend.
MARCH 2015
through this before, Pygmalion.
APHRODITE: Korinna was just lovely.
PYGMALION: She had flat feet.
APHRODITE: How about Hermia?
PYGMALION: Hideous hair.
APHRODITE: Hestra?
PYGMALION: Horrible habits.
APHRODITE: Hippolyta?
PYGMALION: Heinous housekeeper.
APHRODITE: Surely you couldn’t find
fault with Timo! She was Miss Ancient
Greece!
PYGMALION: Exaggerated Ego!
APHRODITE: All right, all right, I’ll try
to set something up. Let’s see. . .O.K.,
how about you show up at the Oracle
Café at nine sharp? The girl of your
dreams will walk in and she’ll be carrying a red rose. Got it?
PYGMALION: Oracle Café, nine o’clock,
red rose. Got it.
APHRODITE: And this gal will be a winner.
PYGMALION: We’ll see. (APHRODITE
rolls her eyes, exits left. PYGMALION
exits right. HOMER stands and moves
downstage.)
HOMER: I guess because he was a
sculptor Pygmalion was hard to please.
I mean, he carved the most beautiful
statues that were famous all over
Greece for their beauty. (THEO enters
right, followed by PYGMALION.)
3
THEO: Let me show you to your table.
(THEO moves to bench where HOMER
had been sitting.)
HOMER: Excuse me, but that table’s
taken.
THEO: Get lost, old timer! This table is
reserved for the sculptor Pygmalion.
He’s the one who sculpted the statues
of Apollo and Artemis in front of the
café.
HOMER: Oh. To be honest, I think
Artemis’s nose is a bit too big.
THEO: Scram, Grandpa! (HOMER races
off left.) Sorry about that, Pygmalion.
PYGMALION (Sitting): There’s a critic
born every minute. I’ll have the stuffed
grape leaves. . .just like Mother used to
make.
THEO: Very good, sir.
DAPHNE: But I’m—
PYGMALION: Do you want dinner or not?
DAPHNE: I don’t quite understand. . .
PYGMALION: She said you’d be a
dream. . .and she wasn’t lying!
DAPHNE: Thanks, but who’s this “she”
you’re talking about?
PYGMALION: Aphrodite.
DAPHNE: Are you some kind of nut?
PYGMALION: Absolutely not. I’m a
famous sculptor. And you are my date
for tonight.
DAPHNE (Offended): I am not! I think
you’re very pushy and rude.
PYGMALION: That’s beside the point.
Do you know how to stuff grape leaves?
PYGMALION: Oh, and what time is it?
DAPHNE: No, but I know just how to get
sun dial and it doesn’t work after dark.
(THEO exits left. PYGMALION looks
around nervously.)
PYGMALION: Oh, really?
THEO: I don’t know. We’ve only got a
PYGMALION: I wonder where she is. It
must be almost time. (DAPHNE enters
right, carrying a rose. PYGMALION
clears his throat.) Ah, over here, my
dear!
DAPHNE: Excuse me?
PYGMALION: I’ve been waiting for you.
DAPHNE (Puzzled): You have?
PYGMALION: Of course. I’m Pygmalion.
DAPHNE: Uh—O.K. My name is
Daphne.
PYGMALION: Well, don’t stand on ceremony. Sit down.
4
creeps like you off my back!
DAPHNE:
Megadates! Megadates!
Where are you? (MEGADATES, a big,
powerful man, enters right.)
MEGADATES: Sorry about that, sweetheart. I had trouble finding a parking
place for the chariot.
PYGMALION: Sweetheart? Hey, what
gives?
DAPHNE: This creep’s hitting on me.
MEGADATES (Menacingly): Oh, yeah?
PYGMALION: Just a second! Aphrodite
told me to be here to meet this rather
rude young lady at nine o’clock. After
all, she’s got a red rose.
MEGADATES: And you’re gonna have a
PLAYS • playsmagazine.com
red nose! (MEGADATES slugs PYGMALION, who crashes to the floor.)
DAPHNE: The nerve of some people!
MEGADATES: I knew I shoulda got you
a yellow rose.
DAPHNE: Oh, Meggy, you’re too sweet
for words! (DAPHNE and MEGADATES exit left as PHOEBE, carrying
a red rose, enters right with THEO.)
THEO (To PHOEBE): Pygmalion? Why,
he’s sitting right here. (THEO notices
PYGMALION on the floor, holding his
nose.) Oh, dear! What happened?
PYGMALION: Hey! You’ve got a red
rose! You must be my date. Give me a
hand and help me up. (PHOEBE hesitates.) Well, c’mon! We don’t have all
night! (PHOEBE helps PYGMALION
up. He scratches himself on the rose.)
Ouch! That thing’s got thorns!
PHOEBE: Well, well—so do you! Here,
you can keep it! (PHOEBE tosses rose
on PYGMALION and runs off right.)
And then he painted the statue so it
would be as lifelike as possible. He
poured his every desire into the statue,
and finally, one day. . .it was finished.
He even named the statue Galatea.
(PYGMALION wheels out statue of
GALATEA. GALATEA sits on chair
with an expression of complete adoration on her face. The actress playing
this part should sit in a position that is
comfortable enough to hold for several
minutes. At this moment the statue is
covered with a sheet.)
PYGMALION: Oh, my dear, dear
Galatea—the most beautiful girlfriend
in the entire world!
HOMER: Let us all see her!
PYGMALION: I’ve put everything I want
in a girlfriend into her spirit.
HOMER: She’s beautiful?
PYGMALION: Gorgeous!
HOMER: She can keep a clean house?
PYGMALION: Better than Martha
PYGMALION (Grabbing rose): Ouch!
Stewart.
lose some. You mostly lose some.
(THEO exits right. PYGMALION rises,
calls out as he exits right.)
PYGMALION: Like a talk show host.
THEO (Sighing): You win some, you
PYGMALION: Aphrodite! Aphrodite! It’s
all your fault! I’m cutting you out of my
life! You’re one lousy matchmaker!
(PYGMALION is gone. HOMER enters
left.)
HOMER: Poor Pygmalion. Desperately
unhappy and quite willing to blame
everyone else for his own faults, he
threw himself into his work. He decided to create a statue of his ideal girlfriend. He worked for months and
months selecting the marble, cutting
the marble, carving the marble, then
polishing the marble to a high gloss.
MARCH 2015
HOMER: She can converse?
HOMER: But can she cook?
PYGMALION: Just like Mother!
HOMER: Well, then, let me help you!
(HOMER and PYGMALION remove
the sheet.)
PYGMALION: Galatea! My beautiful
Galatea!
HOMER (Walking around appraisingly): She certainly adores you.
PYGMALION: That was number one on
my list.
5
HOMER: Well, I suppose that’s fine and
dandy—but she’s only a statue, after
all. (HOMER exits right.)
PYGMALION: You don’t have to remind
me. Oh, Galatea, if only you’d just
come to life! If only you’d take a breath
with your lips, gaze upon me with your
eyes, hear the sound of my voice.
Aphrodite! Aphrodite! Come to
Pygmalion! (APHRODITE enters left.)
APHRODITE: What’s wrong now? I
thought you were through with me
after that fiasco at the Oracle Café.
PYGMALION: Well, I’ve matured a bit
since then.
APHRODITE: You better have matured a
lot!
PYGMALION: Look at my new creation.
I call her Galatea.
APHRODITE: You did this?
PYGMALION: With my own two little
hands.
APHRODITE: All by yourself?
PYGMALION: Duh!
APHRODITE: She’s a looker, all right.
PYGMALION: You gods and goddesses
can do anything you like.
APHRODITE: Look, I don’t do marble.
PYGMALION: Awww, c’mon, Aphrodite,
please? Please? Pretty please?
APHRODITE: I thought you said you
matured.
PYGMALION: I did. All right, let’s do it
this way. The adult way.
APHRODITE: Go on.
PYGMALION: You bring Galatea to life
and I’ll never bother you again.
APHRODITE: Never? Ever? Cross your
heart and hope one of Zeus’s thunderbolts strikes you dead if you go back on
the deal?
PYGMALION: Now who’s being immature?
APHRODITE: I just want to make sure
I’m getting this straight.
PYGMALION: Do this one thing for me,
and I’ll never bother you again.
APHRODITE: I don’t have a clue why I
should trust you.
PYGMALION: And she’s a great house-
PYGMALION: Because I’ve created my
APHRODITE: She’s a chunk of marble,
Pygmalion. She can’t do anything!
APHRODITE: And you’ll never call on me
goddess like you can. . .
like a—a—
PYGMALION: Bring inanimate objects
PYGMALION: Gross! But—O.K.
keeper, she can carry on a conversation, and she can cook like Mother.
PYGMALION: Well, I’ve heard tell that a
APHRODITE: Can what?
to life.
APHRODITE: Sorry, P. Urban legend.
6
perfect love. A girlfriend I’ll treasure
forever and ever!
again?
PYGMALION: You’ll be rid of me just
APHRODITE: Case of psoriasis?
APHRODITE: Scout’s honor?
PLAYS • playsmagazine.com
PYGMALION: Sure, whatever that
means!
APHRODITE: Stand back.
PYGMALION: How far?
APHRODITE: How about to Cleveland?
PYGMALON: Where’s that?
APHRODITE: Just. . .just over there.
(APHRODITE now moves around the
statue as if casting a spell.)
Galatea, Galatea. . .come into life.
Come and make Pygmalion a wife!
Open your ears, open your eyes.
Taste the bounty of burgers and fries!
Galatea, Galatea. . .here stands your
man.
Good luck, Galatea—I’ve done what I
can!
(Loud crash of cymbals. APHRODITE
and PYGMALION grimace.)
PYGMALION: Wow! When you cast a
spell, you cast a spell!
APHRODITE: I guess I don’t know my
own strength! (GALATEA takes a
breath, then stretches.)
PYGMALION: Aphrodite, it worked!
She’s alive! My darling Galatea’s alive!
APHRODITE: Yeah...she’s all yours. And
remember our deal. Never, ever call
me again. You do and Zeus will fix your
wagon.
PYGMALION: I’ll never need to call you
again. I’ve got my Galatea!
APHRODITE (To GALATEA): Good luck,
kid! (APHRODITE exits right.)
PYGMALION: Well, Galatea. Welcome
to your home. (GALATEA rises from
the chair and stretches a bit. She then
does a few knee bends, torso twists, and
other annoying exercises.) What are
you doing? (GALATEA stops exercising
MARCH 2015
and looks at PYGMALION.) Galatea,
please, say something. Don’t you know
how to talk?
GALATEA (In a humorous Brooklyn or
other accent): ’Course I talk!
PYGMALION (Shocked): Well, my
dear—would you like me to show you
the kitchen?
GALATEA: Not just yet, Piggy-Poo.
PYGMALION: Piggy-Poo?
GALATEA: Cute, ha? I had a Chihuahua
once named Piggy-Poo. I loved that little guy. Now I name all my pets PiggyPoo.
PYGMALION: My name is Pygmalion.
GALATEA: I couldn’t spell that in a million years, Piggy-Poo.
PYGMALION: Stop calling me that. And
can’t you talk with a bit more. . .
finesse?
GALATEA: Look, I’ve been hangin’
around you for a long time, PiggyPoo—and I picked up on a couple of
things.
PYGMALION: Just a second, Galatea!
GALATEA: Hey, and while we’re on the
subject of names—
PYGMALION: We’re not on the subject
of names!
GALATEA: I don’t like Galatea. It
makes me sound like a continent. And
I may got strong legs, but I ain’t no
continent!
PYGMALION: What would you like to be
called?
GALATEA: Eliza.
7
PYGMALION: What kind of name is
that?
GALATEA: It’s cute. And it’s kinda got a
strong vibe to it.
PYGMALION: Oh, dear.
GALATEA: Whatsa matter, Piggy-Poo?
me: The rain in Spain stays mainly in
the plain.
GALATEA (In an even thicker accent):
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the
plain.
PYGMALION: No! Get the words out
your mouth, not your nose. Air comes
from here! (Touches his stomach area)
You come sit down right here.
(GALATEA leads PYGMALION to the
chair she’d sat in. He sits. She begins to
massage his shoulders.) That’s right.
Oh, my, but you are awfully tense. You
just relax a bit, Piggy-Poo. Let Eliza’s
fingers do the walking.
GALATEA: That’s where the food goes.
Speakin’ of which, I’m starved! I’ve
been stuck in that chair for months
and I could eat a horse! You got a spare
horse?
me! Stop it!
ride them.
PYGMALION (Giggling): You’re tickling
GALATEA: It’s good to laugh a bit, Piggy.
PYGMALION: Stop it! (PYGMALION
jumps out of the chair.)
GALATEA: What a grouch!
PYGMALION: Look, I think it would be
helpful if I taught you how to pronounce words correctly, don’t you?
GALATEA: What’s wrong with the way I
say ’em?
PYGMALION: Well, everything seems to
be coming out of your nose.
GALATEA: Where are they supposed to
come out?
PYGMALION: Your mouth, propelled by
force from your diaphragm.
GALATEA: I don’t got no dial gram.
PYGMALION: Diaphragm. And everybody has one.
GALATEA: I’m a chunk of marble, for
crying out loud.
PYGMALION: Look, just repeat after
8
PYGMALION: We don’t eat horses. We
GALATEA: Sounds like fun. Let’s do
that. Right after I eat. What do you
eat, anyway?
PYGMALION: Stuffed grape leaves.
GALATEA: Yuck! (GALATEA moves
right.)
PYGMALION: Where are you going?
GALATEA: Ain’t the kitchen this way?
PYGMALION (Indicating left): This way.
GALATEA: You sure messed up on my
sense of direction! (GALATEA exits
left. PYGMALION tries to sneak off
right, but HOMER enters.)
HOMER: Tut, tut, tut! She’s all yours,
Piggy-Poo.
PYGMALION: I thought I created a
thing of beauty!
HOMER: So did Dr. Frankenstein.
GALATEA (Calling from off left): Hey,
Piggy-Poo, where’s the cilantro? I want
to make a burrito!
PLAYS • playsmagazine.com
PYGMALION: What’s a burrito?
HOMER: Something Mother used to
make! (PYGMALION exits left.
HOMER addresses audience.) To be
perfectly honest, Galatea was as sweet
as honey and as clever as a fox. She
was also as patient as dear Penelope
waiting for Ulysses to return to Ithaca.
She was very happy to live with
Pygmalion’s sister Efimia until the day
that was going to be the happiest of
their lives. Almost. (GALATEA, on her
phone, enters left as HOMER exits
right.)
GALATEA: I thought I got Piggy-Poo the
right sandals, Efimia. He likes the
ones made of sheep’s leather, right?
(After a pause) Wrong? . . .The ones
made of goat leather? I didn’t even
know goats made leather. . . .I know
the wedding’s tonight! Where can I
find goat leather sandals? . . .Right.
O.K., thanks, kiddo! (PYGMALION
enters left, holding a pair of sandals.)
PYGMALION: I can’t wear these,
Galatea.
GALATEA: Eliza. I keep telling you, call
me Eliza. That’s what’s going to be on
the marriage license.
PYGMALION: Licenses haven’t been
invented yet.
GALATEA: Well, I’d want it to say Eliza
anyhow.
PYGMALION: I don’t know why you didn’t get the right kind of sandals.
GALATEA: I’m working on that right
now. How’d you like the honey cake I
baked?
PYGMALION: Too sweet.
GALATEA: What about the grape com-
pote?
MARCH 2015
PYGMALION: Too sour.
GALATEA: Did you like the dates?
PYGMALION: Too chewy.
GALATEA: Well, go complain to the
tree! All I did was pick the little buggers!
PYGMALION: Are you raising your voice
to me?
GALATEA (Challenging him): What if I
am?
PYGMALION: Your voice is especially
grating when it’s raised.
GALATEA: Oh, yeah?
PYGMALION: Don’t say “yeah.”
GALATEA (Angrily): Yeah, yeah, yeah!
PYGMALION: Oh, Galatea. . .
GALATEA: Eliza!
PYGMALION: Oh, Eliza, what happened
to that beautiful creature I created?
GALATEA: She’s standing right here.
Right in front of you.
PYGMALION: I don’t see her.
GALATEA: That’s because you don’t
want to see her.
PYGMALION: Don’t be foolish.
GALATEA: You know, Piggy-Poo? You
gave me a lot, and I’m really grateful.
You gave me looks, you gave me
smarts, you gave me a big heart.
PYGMALION: I don’t know about that.
GALATEA: It’s big enough to have tried
to love you.
9
PYGMALION: If you tried to love me,
you’d do everything I say.
GALATEA: No, Piggy-Poo, I wouldn’t.
’Cause when you love somebody, you
love ’em for who they are, not what you
want ’em to do. You made me out of a
block of marble. And you gave me
everything you thought you’d want in
your perfect girlfriend. But it wasn’t
enough, was it?
PYGMALION: Almost! You’re just a bit—
well, rough around the edges.
GALATEA: You know something? So are
you. (GALATEA takes out her phone
and punches in a number.)
PYGMALION: What are you doing?
GALATEA (Into phone): Atlas Taxi
Service? Would you send a chariot to
Pygmalion’s place? . . .There’s one on
the corner? Great! Thanks. (Hangs up)
PYGMALION: Galatea, where are you
going?
GALATEA: Anywhere but here, Piggy-
Poo.
PYGMALION: You can’t! We’re getting
married tonight.
GALATEA: I don’t think so.
PYGMALION: Why not?
GALATEA: I don’t think I’m good enough.
PYGMALION: We can work on that.
GALATEA: You chiseled me enough
already, Piggy-Poo. I know there’s
somebody out there who’ll like me just
the way I am. (MEGADATES enters
right.)
MEGADATES (In the same accent as
GALATEA): You call for a chariot,
ma’am?
10
GALATEA: I sure did!
PYGMALION: You again!
MEGADATES: He bothering you, lady?
GALATEA: Nah...I think we got everything worked out, right, Piggy-Poo?
MEGADATES: Then let’s go. The meter’s
running. See you around, Piggy-Poo.
(MEGADATES exits right.)
GALATEA: Bye, Piggy-Poo. And I couldn’t leave without sending you a nice big
thank you.
PYGMALION: For what?
GALATEA: For making me what I am
today. Even if I’m not up to your standards, I’m pretty happy with the way
things turned out. So, anyhow, in a little while Omar the marble cutter is
going to stop by with a nice, big hunk
of marble.
PYGMALION: What for?
GALATEA: So you can carve out your
perfect girlfriend. After all, if you don’t
succeed the first time, try, try again!
(GALATEA exits right.)
PYGMALION (In fury): Aphrodite!
Aphrodite! (PYGMALION rushes off
left as HOMER enters right.)
HOMER: Oh, poor Pygmalion. He ran
up to his rooftop, and wouldn’t you
know, at just that moment a bolt of
lightning shot out of the sky, and,
(Sound of thunder, if desired) well, that
was the end of poor Piggy-Poo. I suppose it was best in the long run
because Pygmalion didn’t have the
sense to see that he was his own worst
enemy. He let so many chances for love
slip through his fingers. May none of
us be so foolish! Good night! (Curtain)
(Production Notes on page 64 )
THE END
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Upper & Middle Grades
Granny from Killarney
Perfect for St. Patrick’s Day: High school boy is
granted three wishes by his great-great grandmother.
Or was it all a disturbing hallucination? . . .
Characters
by Anne Coulter Martens
MRS. O’DELL
ABBY, her 15-year-old daughter
SHAWN, her 17-year-old son
HALEY, Shawn’s girlfriend
JOSH, Shawn’s classmate
GRANNY, a visitor
TIME: Late afternoon on St. Patrick’s
Day.
SETTING: O’Dell living room. Desk,
chair, and telephone are up center. Sofa
and coffee table are left of center, and
high-backed chair is down right. Front
door is up left, and door to rest of house
is at right.
AT RISE: ABBY is at desk, doing home-
work. Phone rings; she answers quickly.
ABBY (Into phone): Hello. . . .Oh, hi,
Haley. . . .No, he isn’t home yet. I
thought you two were at the gym decorating for the dance. . . .(MRS. O’DELL
enters, carrying coat over her arm.) No,
I don’t think I’ll go. It’s not really my
thing. . . .O.K., I’ll give him the message.
(Hangs up; turns to MRS. O’DELL)
MARCH 2015
Haley’s coming over in a little while to
make some extra decorations.
MRS. O'DELL: I was surprised to hear
you say you’re not going to the dance?
ABBY (Defensively): Mother, what
makes you think I would want to go to
the dance?
MRS. O’DELL (Shrugging): I just
thought you’d have fun, that’s all. (She
starts to put on her coat. SHAWN rushes in, carrying large box, which he puts
on coffee table.)
SHAWN: Hey, guys.
MRS. O’DELL: What’s in the box?
SHAWN: Green crepe paper and some
shamrocks. (To ABBY) Do you feel like
helping me and Haley make some decorations? (Throws jacket on sofa)
ABBY: Sorry. I’m in the middle of
homework. Oh, and Haley just called
to say she’ll be a little late. (SHAWN
starts to take decorations from box.)
SHAWN (Eagerly): Hey, Mom, did I get
any mail today?
MRS. O’DELL: You mean from Albion?
11
(SHAWN nods.) No, not yet.
ABBY: I’ll have you know that I have
glad or sorry. At least I can keep on
hoping they’ll accept me.
SHAWN: Who’s the right guy?
SHAWN: I don’t know if I should be
ABBY: Why does it have to be Albion?
There are lots of other good colleges.
SHAWN: Because Albion has the best
environmental sciences department.
(As he takes large paper shamrock from
box) Maybe this shamrock will bring
me the luck of the Irish.
ABBY (Sarcastically): Yeah, right.
MRS. O’DELL (Musing): Shamrocks and
leprechauns. I wish your father were
here right now. He enjoys St. Patrick’s
Day so much. When he gets home, you
should ask him about “Granny from
Killarney.”
ABBY: Can’t you tell us, Mom?
MRS. O’DELL: If I tell you now, I’ll never
been asked! (After a pause, sighs) But
not by the right guy.
ABBY: No comment.
SHAWN: None needed. You mean Josh
Stearns.
ABBY: Yeah, well, he only has eyes for
Haley anyway.
SHAWN (Surprised): What? But Josh
knows Haley’s my girlfriend.
ABBY: I heard that he’s going to the
dance solo, in hopes Haley changes her
mind about going with you.
SHAWN: Why would she do that?
That’s ridiculous.
ABBY (Matter-of-factly): Couples have
been known to break up, Shawn.
get to the store. And besides, I’d hate to
spoil your dad’s fun. O.K., I’m off. See
you later.
SHAWN (Adamantly): Not Haley and
See you later. (Etc. MRS. O’DELL
exits.)
SHAWN (Annoyed): Abby, do you mind?
(Angrily) Josh and I are going to have
to have a little talk! (Knock on door is
heard. SHAWN opens door, and
HALEY enters.)
SHAWN and ABBY (Ad lib): Bye, Mom.
ABBY (Thinking aloud): Granny from
Killarney. I wonder who that is. . . .
(She returns to her work, turns page of
book and writes something down.)
SHAWN (Going to desk and reading
over ABBY’s shoulder): Abby, are you
using your homework as an excuse
because nobody’s asked you to the
dance?
me. Never!
ABBY: Never’s a long time.
HALEY: Hey, guys.
ABBY and SHAWN: Hi, Haley. (SHAWN
takes HALEY’s coat, puts it on chair.)
ABBY: So—I hear you’ve been painting
leprechauns.
ABBY (Indignantly): Shawn!
HALEY: Yes, with bright green suits
you know. Why don’t you come with
Haley and me?
ABBY (Teasing): With Shawn’s pointed
SHAWN: You don’t have to have a date,
12
and pink, pointy ears.
ears, he could have been your model!
PLAYS • playsmagazine.com
SHAWN (As he rubs his ear, laughing):
I come from a long line of men with
pointed ears.
SHAWN: An invitation to the dance
from the right guy.
ears): Now that you mention it, those
leprechauns do look like Shawn.
SHAWN: Haley, you are going to the
HALEY (Looking closely at SHAWN’s
HALEY: I hope she gets it.
dance with me, aren’t you?
ABBY (Rising and going to box): I guess
I can take a break and help you with
the decorations. (She takes a paper
favor from box.)
HALEY (Confused): What kind of question is that? Of course I am.
from Albion yet?
yours to work while I see if Abby can
find another pair of scissors. (She exits.
SHAWN sits on sofa, picks up scissors
and paper, and tries to fashion a shamrock. Knock on front door is heard.
SHAWN opens it to GRANNY, a little
old lady who wears a dark coat, and
green shawl over her head. She speaks
with an Irish brogue.)
HALEY (To SHAWN): Did you hear
SHAWN: Nope.
HALEY: Well, there’s still time. (Looks
in box) Oh, no, the little safety pins
aren’t here.
SHAWN (To ABBY): Do we have any?
ABBY: There might be some in the
desk. (She rummages in desk drawer.)
SHAWN (To HALEY): Any decision on
the art contest yet?
HALEY: Not yet.
SHAWN: How long does it take those
judges to make up their minds? (To
ABBY) Haley entered one of her paintings.
ABBY: Really? It would be so awesome
if you won, Haley!
HALEY: What I wouldn’t give for first
prize! But I’d even settle for an honorable mention.
ABBY: It’s funny, isn’t it? No matter
how much you want something, sometimes all you can do is wait. (As she
exits right) Maybe there are some pins
in the kitchen drawer. (Exits)
HALEY: What is it that Abby wants so
badly?
MARCH 2015
SHAWN (Shrugging): Just asking.
HALEY: Listen, put those fingers of
GRANNY: Shawn O’Dell?
SHAWN: That’s right.
GRANNY: Son of Michael O’Dell?
SHAWN: Uh—yes, that’s right.
GRANNY: Grandson of Seamus O’Dell?
SHAWN (Puzzled): What can I do for
you, ma’am?
GRANNY: It’s me can do for you, lad.
(She enters. SHAWN closes door.) Have
you no idea who I am?
SHAWN: I’m afraid not. Are you a
friend of my mother’s?
GRANNY: You might call me a friend of
hers, though I’ve never met her. And of
your father’s, too. But I came to see you.
SHAWN (Puzzled): Me?
GRANNY: Today is St. Patrick’s Day, is
it not?
13
SHAWN: Yes.
SHAWN: Oh, no, no, I certainly don’t
were, day before yesterday.
GRANNY: ’Tis a long story, but I’ll make
GRANNY: And seventeen years old you
SHAWN (Surprised): Yes, but how did
you know?
GRANNY: Can’t you guess who I am?
(Gives a little cackling laugh)
SHAWN: I haven’t got a clue.
GRANNY: Why, I’m your great-greatgranny from Ireland!
SHAWN (Surprised): My great-greatgrandmother!
GRANNY:
just like
you, and
too. And
them.
A fine-looking lad you are,
your father Michael before
your grandfather Seamus,
Kevin and Timothy before
SHAWN (Pleased): You came all the
way from Ireland to see us? This is terrific! Please sit down, Mrs. . . .
GRANNY: Just call me Granny.
think that. (Sits)
it short. Years ago when your greatgreat-grandfather Timothy was walking in the lake region of Ireland, he did
a favor for a leprechaun.
SHAWN (Startled): What! (Annoyed)
You’re not giving me some dumb story
about three wishes, are you?
GRANNY: Aye, that and more. Timothy
was awarded the highest honor that
can be given to mortals. He was made
a member of the Leprechaun League,
Killarney Chapter; he was the firstborn son of the O’Dells, time without
end.
SHAWN (Uneasily): Wait a minute,
time out. This is getting a little weird.
GRANNY: A leprechaun, as everyone in
Ireland knows, has the power of three
wishes every St. Patrick’s Day, to use
however he pleases.
SHAWN (Incredulous): I don’t believe
this!
(Indicating
high-backed
chair): Sit down over here, Granny.
(Helps her to chair) Well, um—can I
get you something to drink?
GRANNY: Then good it is that I came to
convince you.
till I’ve told you the spell of the O’Dells.
GRANNY: ’Tis silly of you to deny it, you
SHAWN
GRANNY: Nothing will I drink or eat
SHAWN (Puzzled): The spell of the
SHAWN: That’s impossible! (Rises)
being one yourself.
O’Dells? I’ve never heard of it.
SHAWN: Me? A leprechaun?
first-born son of the O’Dells after his
seventeenth birthday, on the seventeenth of March. That’s today!
SHAWN: What are you talking about?
Leprechauns are little elves.
GRANNY: There’s a power come to the
SHAWN: I’m sorry, I’m confused.
GRANNY (Rising): Sit down, lad, and
don’t look as if you think me crazy.
14
GRANNY: You, Shawn O’Dell.
GRANNY: Not when they’re in mortal
form.
SHAWN: And they have pointed ears. .
. .(Touches his ears, half wondering)
PLAYS • playsmagazine.com
GRANNY: Over the years it happens.
SHAWN: No!
GRANNY: Now that you’re seventeen,
the power of three wishes is in you.
SHAWN (Amazed): I have the power to
make three wishes, and they’ll come
true? Seriously?
GRANNY: Of course. You can use them
for yourself, or for anyone you choose.
Think well before you speak, lad, for
you’ll not have the power again until
next St. Patrick’s Day.
SHAWN: This is completely unbelievable.
GRANNY: Think about it. (Laughs as
she goes toward front door) I’ll be back
again in a wee bit.
SHAWN: Wait! (Follows her) At least
stay till my mother comes home. (He
reaches for her as she moves away and
catches her shawl instead. It comes off
in his hand, and he stands staring at
her. Her hair is pulled back, revealing
large, pointed ears.)
GRANNY: Why do you stare at me, lad?
(Suddenly aware, she puts her hand to
her ear.) Oh, it’s my ears you’re looking
at.
SHAWN: But you said it was Timothy,
my great-great-grandfather. . . .
GRANNY: Lad, I was with your great-
great-grandfather the day he got the
power from the leprechauns. (Touches
her ears) Yes, I’m a leprechaun, too.
SHAWN: This is weirding me out. I . . .
don’t know. . . if I’m hearing right.
GRANNY: Why else do you think I came
all the way from Ireland just now,
except to tell you of the power that is
yours today?
MARCH 2015
SHAWN (Unbelieving): Just now? Um,
I don’t mean to be nosy or anything,
but. . .how did you get here?
GRANNY (Scornfully): I wished myself
here, of course. (She puts shawl over her
head again.) Use your wishes wisely,
and well. I must be on my way now, but
don’t worry—I’ll be back! (She exits.)
SHAWN (Staring after her): So that’s
Granny from Killarney. . . . (HALEY
and ABBY return with safety pins and
scissors.) I must be dreaming.
HALEY: We found plenty of pins. (The
girls sit on sofa and begin making
shamrocks.)
SHAWN: Haley. . .Abby, maybe I’ve
flipped, but a little old lady was just
here claiming to be our great-greatgrandmother from Ireland.
HALEY: I didn’t know your great-greatgrandmother was still living!
ABBY: Neither did I.
SHAWN: She says she wished herself
over here from Ireland to tell me that
I’m a fifth-generation leprechaun, and
since I’m seventeen, I now have the
power of three wishes.
HALEY: Leprechaun . . . you? (Giggling)
Come on!
ABBY (Laughing):
Dream on, bro.
Three
wishes?
SHAWN: The funny thing is, her ears
were pointed at the top.
HALEY: You’re kidding!
ABBY: Or else the dear little old lady
was playing a joke on you. (Girls laugh
again.)
SHAWN: But why? Who would do a
thing like that?
15
ABBY: Hey, you know, a new family
just moved in down the street, the
Brennans. And their grandmother
lives with them. Could be she’s practicing some Irish magic on you, Shawn.
SHAWN: But Abby, she seemed to
know a lot about us. She even knew
Dad’s first name.
HALEY: Well, anyone could find that
out, Shawn. (Looks at SHAWN questioningly) You really don’t believe in
any of this, do you?
SHAWN: Oh, no, of course not. It all
gives me a funny feeling, though.
(Touches his ears)
ABBY (Teasing): Are you wondering
about the shape of your ears again?
HALEY: They really do look a little
pointed. (Laughs)
ABBY (As she giggles): Shawn, make a
wish and we’ll see if it comes true.
SHAWN (Annoyed): Oh, come on, you
guys! (After a pause) Of course I know
all this is crazy. But just suppose you
could have three wishes, what would
you wish for?
HALEY (Lightly): A million dollars, a
scholarship to the Sorbonne, and a little red sports car. Actually, what I
most want right now is some Scotch
tape. (To ABBY) Do you have any?
ABBY (Rising): I think there’s some in
the kitchen.
HALEY (Rising): Stay here, I’ll go look.
(HALEY exits. ABBY sits again.)
SHAWN: Let’s hear what you’d wish
madly in love with me. And finally, I’d
wish that he’d call me right now.
SHAWN: Gosh, Abby, to stop all your
mooning around, I wish he would call.
(Offstage, musical “Bong!” is heard.
SHAWN and ABBY are startled.)
What was that?
ABBY: I don’t know. (ABBY’s cell phone
rings. They react with surprise, staring
at phone as it continues to ring.) It
can’t be. (Answers phone) Hello. . . .
Josh! (Looks at SHAWN, stunned) Yes,
I’m still here. . . . Sure, if you want to.
. . . See you then. (Hangs up; in disbelief) He’s coming over!
SHAWN: Get the stars out of your eyes.
He just happened to call . . . now. (After
a pause) Though I did make a wish,
and it came true.
ABBY: Where’s my brush? (She goes to
desk, starts rummaging through
purse.) What an idiot I am, fixing
myself up so he can look at Haley!
(HALEY returns with tape.)
HALEY: Who’s going to look at me?
ABBY: Josh Stearns is coming over.
HALEY: Good. Maybe he can help us.
ABBY (Vaguely): Help with what? (With
a cry of frustration) Oh! Where is my
brush? (Hurries out)
HALEY: What’s up with her? (Sits on
sofa and begins making more shamrocks, as does SHAWN)
SHAWN: Oh, who knows. Haley . . . if a
person really had the power of three
wishes . . .
(Matter-of-factly):
nobody has . . .
Which
for, Abby.
HALEY
most gorgeous creature on earth. Then
I’d wish that a certain boy would fall
SHAWN: But just suppose. And let’s
say he used one without thinking and
ABBY: Well, first I’d wish that I was the
16
PLAYS • playsmagazine.com
had two left. What do you think he
ought to wish for?
HALEY: Whatever he wants most.
SHAWN (Thoughtfully): What you
want most is to win that art prize.
HALEY (Seriously): That’s the truth.
SHAWN: And what I want is to get into
Albion.
HALEY: You will, Shawn. At least, I
hope so.
SHAWN: But I could wish it, and make
it happen.
HALEY: Because then I’d never know if
I won because my painting was really
the very best one, or it if was some sort
of magic.
SHAWN: But you do want to win.
HALEY: Only if my entry is good
enough. (With feeling) Oh, Shawn,
don’t you understand?
SHAWN: No, I honestly don’t.
HALEY: Would you want to be accepted
to Albion because of a magic wish and
not because you’ve worked so hard and
done so well in school?
HALEY (Looking up): You are serious
SHAWN: I wouldn’t care why they accepted me, just as long as they did.
SHAWN: Haley, I could use my second
wish to get you that art prize.
SHAWN: Lots of things in this world
aren’t fair.
about this! I had no idea you were so
superstitious.
HALEY: If you have a second wish.
SHAWN (Earnestly): And I could use
my third wish to get into Albion.
HALEY (Soberly): You mean that, don’t
you? (Rises)
SHAWN (Rising): I can’t lose anything
by trying.
HALEY (After a pause): Yes, you can.
SHAWN: What do you mean?
HALEY: I don’t quite know how to put
this, but suppose you made a wish that
I’d win the art contest, and then, I did
win it?
SHAWN: That’s the whole idea.
HALEY: I wouldn’t want to win that way.
SHAWN: But why not?
MARCH 2015
HALEY: But that wouldn’t be fair.
HALEY: I wouldn’t want to win something I hadn’t earned.
SHAWN: What’s the difference, if you
get it?
HALEY (Upset): There’s a big differ-
ence—and quite frankly, I don’t like to
hear you talk this way.
SHAWN: Then you don’t have to listen.
(HALEY tosses her head angrily and
exits right, as ABBY enters.)
ABBY: What’s she upset about?
SHAWN: Me.
ABBY: You’re not still harping on that
ridiculous
Granny-from-Killarney
business, are you?
SHAWN: Haley doesn’t believe in it,
either.
ABBY: And you do? (SHAWN doesn’t
17
answer.) Shawn, maybe you did see an
old woman, but so what? Why don’t
you just forget the whole thing? (Knock
on front door is heard.) That must be
Josh! (Starts to run, then slows down,
and walks sedately to door, opens it to
JOSH. She greets him casually.) Hi!
SHAWN (Crossing to sofa): Are you
going to the dance tonight?
SHAWN: Hi, Josh.
SHAWN: I don’t call it nothing.
the kitchen. (ABBY sits near box and
starts to work on shamrock.)
talking about.
JOSH: Hi, Abby! Hey, Shawn. (Enters)
ABBY: Haley’s here, too. She’s out in
JOSH (As he takes off jacket): Yeah, she
did say something about coming over.
SHAWN (Annoyed): Is that why you
came?
JOSH (Taken aback): I just thought I’d
stop by.
SHAWN: For how long?
JOSH (Defensively): Hey, what’s with
you?
SHAWN: I can put two and two together.
JOSH: About what? (To ABBY) Abby, I
waited for you after school, but you
dashed off.
ABBY (Nonchalantly): Really? Sorry. I
JOSH: What business is it of yours?
SHAWN: I might make it my business.
ABBY (Upset): Will you two stop arguing over nothing?
JOSH: And I don’t know what you’re
SHAWN: Not much, you don’t!
ABBY: Please! Stop fighting!
JOSH: He started it.
SHAWN: I did?
JOSH (Puzzled): And I used to think
you were a friend of mine! (Rising)
Why don’t you just cool it?
SHAWN: Why don’t you fall flat on your
face? I just wish you would! (Offstage
“Bong!” is heard. JOSH suddenly seems
to trip over something, loses his balance
and falls to floor, flat on his face. ABBY
cries out in alarm, going to him.)
ABBY: Shawn, you tripped him!
SHAWN (Awed and a little frightened):
No, I didn’t—really. (Steps back)
didn’t see you. Sit down, Josh, and
ignore Oscar the Grouch here. (JOSH
sits on sofa.)
JOSH: Something funny’s going on
here. (Sits up and rubs his nose) Ouch!
JOSH: You are, jumping down my
on, I’ll get you some ice. (To SHAWN)
What’s wrong with you?
SHAWN (Testily): Who’s a grouch?
throat the minute I came in the door.
SHAWN: Looks to me as if you’re asking for trouble.
JOSH: If anyone’s asking for trouble,
it’s you.
18
ABBY (Helping JOSH to his feet): Come
SHAWN: Honest, I didn’t do a thing.
JOSH (Sarcastically): I suppose I
tripped over the table leg, or over my
own big feet.
PLAYS • playsmagazine.com
SHAWN: I don’t know what to think.
JOSH (Annoyed): Man, the way you act,
I’m beginning to wonder if you have
the stuff to think with! (Exits right
with ABBY)
SHAWN (Aloud, bewildered): I wished
it. I wished that he’d fall on his face!
(Puts his hands to his head) What’s
happening to me? (HALEY enters.)
HALEY: What’s going on in here? What
did you do to Josh?
SHAWN: I made another wish without
thinking.
HALEY: Oh, no—not that again!
SHAWN: It’s true.
HALEY: I can’t believe how superstitious you are!
HALEY: And leave me wondering all my
life if my painting really deserved the
prize?
SHAWN: If you don’t want it, I can use
the wish for myself.
HALEY (Disgusted): You’ve really lost
it, Shawn.
SHAWN: Do you have your eye on
somebody else?
HALEY (Indignantly): Did I say that?
SHAWN (Taunting her): Josh, maybe?
HALEY: You’re insane!
SHAWN: Then it is Josh!
HALEY: If that’s what you think, I’m
not going to the dance with you!
SHAWN: I’ve been expecting you to say
SHAWN: Two perfectly good wishes
that.
HALEY: Shawn O’Dell, if you don’t stop
again!
SHAWN: Granny warned me to be care-
And I wish you’d never speak to me
again! (Offstage “Bong!” sound.
HALEY looks startled, then she picks
up her coat and crosses to front door.)
Haley, come back! I didn’t mean it!
(She turns and looks at him, saying
nothing.) Say you’re not mad at me.
(Waits) Say something! (She turns and
exits. SHAWN paces, pounding his fist
into his hand.) Oh, I’m an idiot. . .a
complete idiot! (MRS. O’DELL enters,
carrying grocery bags.)
wasted. Now I have only one left.
this insanity, I’m going home.
ful how I used my wishes.
HALEY: And I’m warning you that I’ve
had enough of this. (Turns away from
him)
SHAWN (Catching her arm): Haley, I
can use that last wish to help you win
that art prize.
HALEY (Pulling away): Don’t you dare
do that!
SHAWN: Then you more than half
believe in this, too?
HALEY: No! (Upset) Oh, I don’t know
what I believe.
SHAWN: Then let me make that wish.
MARCH 2015
HALEY: And don’t ever speak to me
SHAWN (Angrily): I don’t intend to.
MRS. O’DELL (Brightly): Did you finish
the decorations? I just saw Haley
leave.
SHAWN (Anxiously): Mom, do I really
have a great-great-grandmother living
in Ireland?
19
MRS. O’DELL (Puzzled): I can’t imagine
why you would ask all of a sudden. But
no, you don’t. Not any more.
SHAWN: You’re sure?
MRS. O’DELL: All these shamrocks
must have gone to your head. Or
maybe you’re thinking of the family
legend.
SHAWN: What do you mean?
MRS. O’DELL: That’s what I was telling
you about before—Granny from
Killarney. (She starts to exit.) And
don’t forget to ask your father when he
comes home. (Exits)
SHAWN (Holding head): I’m getting a
giant headache from this Grannyfrom-Killarney business! (Front door
opens. GRANNY enters. SHAWN
groans.) Oh, no! Not you!
GRANNY (Cheerfully): I told you I’d be
back.
SHAWN (Upset): Go away! I don’t have
a great-great-grandmother in Ireland.
GRANNY: Of course not. I’m here.
SHAWN: You’re just a hallucination.
GRANNY: Did you ever have hallucinations before?
SHAWN (Testily): No! Not until you
charged into my life!
GRANNY: Ah! So the wishes haven’t
gone too well? (She steps up on highbacked chair and perches on back of it,
her feet on seat.)
SHAWN: You can say that again.
GRANNY: I warned you the power is
dangerous.
SHAWN: My sister’s mad at me, I’ve
20
lost a good friend, and my girlfriend
won’t speak to me.
GRANNY (Impatiently): ’Tis simple you
are, to be sure. A body would think this
was April Fool’s Day.
SHAWN: You’re so right.
GRANNY (Sadly): And me coming all
this way, only meaning to help.
SHAWN: It was all my own fault.
GRANNY: Too bad I have only one of my
own wishes left. I used my second wish
for a little bunch of Irish shamrocks.
(Indicates a few shamrocks pinned to
her coat)
SHAWN: You still have one wish left?
(Desperately) Then you’ve got to help
me!
GRANNY: So, you believe in me now, do
you? (Laughs)
SHAWN: To tell the truth, I’m still not
sure.
GRANNY: I’ve one wish left, and I need
it to wish myself back to Ireland.
SHAWN: I made such stupid wishes. If
only I could take even one of them
back!
GRANNY: Which one?
SHAWN: That Haley would never
speak to me again. I can’t believe I said
such a crazy thing.
GRANNY (Musing): Let me think. We
have just one wish between the two of
us. How best can we use it? (Puts finger to her head) I know! (Then hesitating) Ah, ’tis foolish even to consider it.
SHAWN: Tell me!
GRANNY: I could wish your third wish
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canceled, and then you’d have it back.
SHAWN: Oh, that would be great!
GRANNY: But where does that leave
me? Stranded in a strange country
without a single wish left to my name.
SHAWN (Sighing): No, I can’t ask you
to do that. (Suddenly) But if you used
your last wish to cancel mine, then I’d
still have one left!
HALEY: Shawn, I just had to come back.
SHAWN: Haley! You spoke to me!
(Going to her) I’m sorry I was so mean.
HALEY: Me, too. Because I’m sure you
know as well as I do that there are no
leprechauns. (GRANNY’s head pops up
from behind chair, and SHAWN turns
HALEY away quickly to keep her from
noticing. GRANNY waves at him and
ducks down again. SHAWN laughs.)
GRANNY: That you would, lad, to use
SHAWN: So you will go to the dance
SHAWN: Not for college admission, or
HALEY: I never thought of going with
anyone else. (ABBY and JOSH enter.
ABBY wears sweater.)
any way you wanted. And how might
that be?
the art contest. Haley was right; we
shouldn’t wish for things that we ought
to earn.
GRANNY: Would you promise to use it
to help me?
SHAWN: If I could.
GRANNY: All you’d have to do is wish
me safe home again.
SHAWN: Oh, sure, I’d do that. Of
course I would.
GRANNY: Is it a bargain, then? (Hops
down from chair)
SHAWN: A bargain. (They shake
hands.)
GRANNY: Then here goes. I wish
Shawn’s third wish canceled, so that
he has it back again! (Offstage “Bong!”
is heard.)
SHAWN: That’s it?
GRANNY (Nodding): Canceled. You
have your last wish back. (There is a
knock on front door, and GRANNY
steps quickly behind high-backed chair
so she is hidden. HALEY enters.)
MARCH 2015
with me?
ABBY (Happily): Josh just asked me to
the dance! (JOSH picks up his jacket
and puts it on.) We’re going out for an
ice cream. Want to come with us?
HALEY: Just a minute.
JOSH (Smiling at ABBY): Abby
thought I had another girl in mind. No
hard feelings, Shawn?
SHAWN (Smiling, offering his hand to
JOSH): Of course not. (They shake
hands.)
JOSH (Turning to ABBY; smiling):
Let’s go, gorgeous! (He takes her hand,
and they go to the front door.)
ABBY (Beaming, dreamily): Yeah, let’s
go. (They exit.)
SHAWN: That’s funny. Abby made
three wishes—that Josh would think
she’s gorgeous, that he’d like her, and
that he’d telephone her. And they all
came true.
HALEY: Without any magic at all. So
you see how foolish you were?
SHAWN (Standing to right of high21
backed chair): Yeah. And I feel better
now when I think about college. Just
the same, I wish—(From behind chair,
GRANNY’s hand reaches out and
tweaks his ear hard. HALEY does not
see this.) Ouch! (He rubs his ear.)
HALEY (Turning): What’s the matter?
SHAWN (Quickly): My ear itches.
HALEY: Ready to go?
SHAWN (Standing to left of chair): I’m
sure you’ll do well in that art contest,
Haley. I certainly wish—(GRANNY’s
hand reaches out and tweaks his other
ear.) O-ow!
HALEY (Turning back): What?
SHAWN: My other ear itches. (Rubs it,
then puts on his jacket) There’s something I have to do before we leave.
(Goes back toward chair)
HALEY: The paper shamrock? (Looks in
box) We’ll still have time to finish them.
SHAWN: The job would be all done if I
hadn’t goofed off. I wish—(GRANNY’s
foot comes out and kicks him in the
shin. He jumps.) Stop it! I wish you’d
go back to where you came from!
(Rubbing his leg, not realizing what he
has said, he joins HALEY at coffee
table. “Bong!” is heard offstage.)
HALEY (Staring at SHAWN): Am I supposed to go back to where I came from?
SHAWN: Oh, no, no! (GRANNY comes
quickly from behind chair and goes to
front door. She waves and blows
SHAWN a kiss, as he looks toward her.
Then she drops shamrock and exits,
leaving door partly open.)
HALEY: Let’s go for that ice cream.
(Goes to front door) Hey—weird that
the door’s open. (Shrugs; looks down)
Oh, look! (Picks up shamrock) There’s
a clover leaf on the floor. (Gives it to
SHAWN as he joins her)
SHAWN: It looks more like a real shamrock to me.
HALEY: Then where did it come from?
(Quickly) Let’s not start any of that
again. Come on! (She exits. SHAWN
picks up shamrock and smiles. He puts
it on coffee table and exits. Curtain)
THE END
Granny from Killarney
PRODUCTION NOTES
CHARACTERS: 2 male, 4 female.
PLAYING TIME: 25 minutes.
COSTUMES: Granny wears an old dark
coat and a bright green shawl over her
head. (When the shawl is pulled off,
her large, slightly pointed ears are
revealed.) On her second appearance,
Granny has a bunch of real shamrocks
pinned to her coat. Others wear appropriate modern dress and outdoor clothing. On their final appearance, Josh
wears band-aid on his nose, Abby
wears a sweater.
PROPERTIES: Large box with green
22
crepe paper, paper shamrocks, and
scissors in it; textbook, pencil, paper;
small packets of safety pins; purse
with brush in it; Scotch tape; grocery
bags.
SETTING: The O’Dell living room. A
desk, chair, and telephone are up center. Sofa and coffee table are left of center, and high-backed chair is down
right. Front door is up left, and door to
rest of house is at right.
LIGHTING: No special effects.
SOUND: Telephone rings, knocks on
door, offstage “Bong!” sound.
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Dramatized Classic (Upper Grades)
The Pardoner’s Tale
Three greedy thieves learn the hard way that money
is the root of all evil. . . .
Adapted from Geoffrey Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales
Characters
by Lowell Swortzell
GEOFFREY CHAUCER
PARDONER
THREE THIEVES
TAVERN MAID
OLD MAN
APOTHECARY
TIME: Long ago, in the 1300’s.
SETTING: A large tree stands center,
with three baskets under it. Three stools
and a small table are left. There is a
bench down right. Exits are right, left
and up center.
RISE: GEOFFREY CHAUCER
enters and speaks to the audience.
AT
CHAUCER: My name is Geoffrey
Chaucer and I am on my way to the
town of Canterbury to visit the great
cathedral. And also to see the shrine of
Saint Thomas à Becket. I left London,
MARCH 2015
where I live, this morning, and have
journeyed all day. But now I am stopping overnight at the Tabard Inn. I
hope you decide to stay, too. There is a
group of travelers here whose company I heartily commend. Twenty-nine
in number they are, and, like myself,
on a pilgrimage to Canterbury. You’ll
find among them every pattern and
variety of people in England. Come
with me; I’ll introduce you. (Starts left,
as PARDONER enters left.) Here is the
Pardoner.
PARDONER (Greeting audience): Hello!
Would any of you like to buy a pardon?
(Holds out scrolls)
CHAUCER: Tell us what a pardoner
does, my friend.
PARDONER: It is my profession to sell
people pardons for their sins. (Slyly)
And because many people have many
sins, I sell many pardons. (To audience) If any of you needs to be pardoned for anything you’ve done, or not
done, I’ll be happy to help you.
CHAUCER (Interrupting): No, no, no.
You will not transact business here.
23
Talk of something else. These people
are not here to hear a sales pitch.
PARDONER: Whenever I speak, it is
upon one subject: that money is the
root of all evil.
CHAUCER (Amused): We all know that
to be true, whether we abide by it or
not.
PARDONER: But when I speak on this
subject, I do it so persuasively that
people often give me all their money.
(Greedily rubbing hands together) And
I love money better than anything else
in the world.
CHAUCER (Wryly): That’s too bad.
PARDONER: I have an idea. Let me try
my persuasive speech on you. (To audience) And you.
CHAUCER: Tell it if you like, but I will
not give you a penny.
PARDONER: You haven’t heard my
1ST THIEF (To MAID): Hey, there!
Bring us more to eat and drink.
TAVERN MAID (In unfriendly tone): You
shall have it, if only to keep you quiet.
2ND THIEF (Looking around): Where
has everyone gone?
TAVERN MAID: Why, home, of course.
Do you not see the sun coming up?
(Sound of bell ringing is heard offstage.)
3RD THIEF: Is that why the church bells
toll?
TAVERN MAID: No, they ring for a
friend of yours.
1ST THIEF: What are you talking
about?
TAVERN MAID: Why, the man who was
sitting with you last night. (Points left)
He was stabbed just outside that door,
by a stranger.
story yet. Listen, and then we’ll see
what the result is. (PARDONER and
CHAUCER cross right as he speaks.)
Some years ago in Flanders lived three
thieves much given to wickedness.
They were greedy and lazy. They
laughed loudly at everyone who scolded them and refused to improve themselves. (THREE THIEVES enter left,
laughing and slapping each other on
their backs. They sit on stools. PARDONER and CHAUCER take seats on
bench, right, and watch.)
3RD THIEF: What stranger?
maid! Come here!
him.
1ST THIEF (Calling offstage): Tavern
2ND THIEF (Impatiently): Where is she?
3RD THIEF: Asleep, probably. We’re the
only ones left. We’ve been here the
whole night. (TAVERN MAID enters,
rubbing eyes.)
24
1ST THIEF: I saw no stranger here last
night.
TAVERN MAID: No on sees him, but he
kills many in this country. During the
last plague he slew a thousand.
2ND THIEF: What a cruel villain!
TAVERN MAID: Always be ready to
meet him, my mother taught me.
3RD THIEF: I don’t want to encounter
1ST THIEF: Yet I wonder where he lives,
this deadly thief?
TAVERN MAID: In the next village
where all were killed, I am told.
1ST THIEF: Listen. I have an idea that
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may protect us and work revenge upon
this stranger.
2ND THIEF: Tell us your plan.
1ST THIEF: We will find this false fel-
low. Then he who has slain so many
himself shall be slain.
2ND THIEF: An excellent idea!
3RD THIEF: We three will band together to murder this man, is that what
you mean?
2ND THIEF: Yes, and he shall pay dear-
ly for stabbing our friend.
3RD THIEF: I will help you.
1ST THIEF (To 2ND THIEF): And you?
2ND THIEF: Of course.
1ST THIEF: Then it is
(THIEVES shake hands.)
agreed.
TAVERN MAID: You are brave to go
after this man, but foolish, too, I fear.
1ST THIEF: We are thieves ourselves;
away, as they were about to climb over
a fence, the thieves met an old man.
(THIEVES reenter, left, as OLD MAN
enters, right.)
OLD MAN (In a squeaky voice): Good
luck to you, my fine lords.
1ST THIEF (Rudely): Bad luck to you,
old fellow.
3RD THIEF: Why have you lived so long
and grown so old?
OLD MAN: Because no young man is
willing to exchange his youth for my
old age. I have looked the world over;
even the ground will not receive me
there. So, I keep walking, but I find no
rest.
1ST THIEF (Slyly): We know of one who
would gladly give you rest. (Broadly
nudges others)
2ND THIEF: The man we seek would
end your walking.
3RD THIEF: Perhaps you know him. He
lives near here.
we know the tricks of such a man.
1ST THIEF: Have you seen anyone go by?
against one; surely, we can overpower
him.
You will find him up this path and
under an oak. (He points to tree center.)
his strength.
let’s be on our way.
2ND THIEF: Besides, we are three
TAVERN MAID: Do not underestimate
3RD THIEF (To other THIEVES): Are
we ready?
1ST THIEF: Let’s be off to find him.
(THIEVES exit left, each carrying off a
stool.)
TAVERN MAID (Waving after them):
Goodbye, poor thieves. Goodbye.
(Exits, taking table)
PARDONER: Not more than half a mile
MARCH 2015
OLD MAN: I know the man you seek.
2ND THIEF (To other THIEVES): Come,
3RD THIEF: Should we not rob this old
man before we leave?
1ST THIEF: Do not waste time on him.
2ND THIEF: He is penniless, I vow.
1ST THIEF (To OLD MAN): Be gone, old
man, you are disgusting.
3RD THIEF: We wish to forget your ugly
face.
25
OLD MAN: Go meet the stranger you
seek. Perhaps you will find him more
pleasant to look upon. (He exits right.)
1ST THIEF (Walking toward tree): I see
something under that tree ahead.
(Others join him.)
2ND THIEF: Baskets, I believe.
3RD THIEF: Filled with something. But
what? (They approach the baskets cautiously.)
1ST THIEF: Be careful, my friends. This
could be a trick of the stranger we
seek.
2ND THIEF: I will uncover the baskets.
(Snatches the covers off)
3RD THIEF: Gold coins! Gold coins!
1ST THIEF: Hundreds of them!
3RD THIEF: Are they real?
2ND THIEF: Yes, just run your hands
1ST THIEF: Fortune has given us this
treasure, and we will spend it as easily
as we came upon it. We must make
plans.
2ND THIEF: Why, let’s be off to the tavern and buy a glorious supper.
1ST THIEF: You are stupid, my friend.
We cannot move this money during the
day. Only at night. If anyone saw us
with this money, they would know that
we had stolen it and hang us.
3RD THIEF: What do you propose to do,
then?
1ST THIEF: We will move the money
this evening. For now, one of us must
go into town and fetch a cold meal
while the other two guard the treasure
here.
3RD THIEF: I will go. Since I am the
youngest, I can run the fastest.
1ST THIEF: Then, be on your way.
through them! (He picks up several
coins.)
2ND THIEF: Yes, for I am already hungry and thirsty.
wonder?
and drink. (Exits left)
3RD THIEF: Whom do they belong to, I
1ST THIEF: To us, of course.
2ND THIEF: Perhaps they belong to the
stranger we seek.
1ST THIEF: Forget the stranger. With
this money, we will be the richest men
in the world.
3RD THIEF: Nevertheless, we should
revenge the death of our friend.
1ST THIEF: Not now. I can think only of
these beautiful coins.
2ND THIEF: I’ve never seen so many!
(He runs his hands through coins.)
26
3RD THIEF: I will bring all you can eat
1ST THIEF (To 2ND THIEF; craftily):
You have heard only part of my plan.
Now that our friend has left, I will tell
you the rest.
2ND THIEF: Oho! I thought you were up
to something!
1ST THIEF: Why should we divide the
gold among three of us, when we can
divide it just between the two of us
instead?
2ND THIEF: He knows about the gold,
though, and if we do not give him his
share, he will tell someone that we
have stolen it.
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1ST THIEF: I have thought of that, too.
When he returns, we will fight with
him. Use your dagger, and he will tell
nothing. Then, all the gold, good
friend, will belong to you and me!
2ND THIEF: Very well, I will go along
with your plan. We shall be rid of him.
(They walk off, right, still talking. 3RD
THIEF reenters left.)
3RD THIEF (To himself): As I walk to
town, one thought turns over and over
in my head. I would like to have all the
gold for myself! (He stops suddenly.) I
have an idea. (Looking off, calling)
Good Apothecary, I wish to buy something from you. Come here. (APOTHECARY enters right.)
APOTHECARY: What is it you need?
3RD THIEF: My house is overrun with
rats. Please sell me the most powerful
poison so I may be rid of them.
APOTHECARY: This will take care of
them. (He holds up small cloth bag.)
3RD THIEF: Is it strong enough for pole-
cats, too?
APOTHECARY: No, not that strong.
3RD THIEF: Then you must give me
something for the polecats that live in
my yard. I can’t bear them any longer.
APOTHECARY (Holding up another
bag): Here is the poison.
3RD THIEF: I hear vermin that prowl at
night. Will this silence them?
APOTHECARY: You must have still
another. (He brings forth another small
bag.)
3RD THIEF: Thank you, Apothecary, for
selling me this poison. (Hands coins to
APOTHECARY) Here you are.
MARCH 2015
APOTHECARY: Rid yourself of every
pest that annoys you.
3RD THIEF: I intend to, good Apothecary. I intend to. Farewell. (APOTHECARY exits right.) I will pour all the
poison into two bottles of water, and
then take the water to my friends.
When they have swallowed it, I shall
have all the gold for myself. (He exits
left.)
2ND THIEF (Reentering with 1ST
THIEF): I wonder why he is taking so
long.
1ST THIEF: No doubt he stopped at the
tavern before starting back.
2ND THIEF: My thirst is so great that I
can barely swallow.
1ST THIEF: Do not forget our plan. I will
trip him and you will do the rest.
2ND THIEF: I am ready. (He pats his
dagger.)
1ST THIEF: Draw your dagger, for I
hear him coming. (3RD THIEF reenters left, carrying bottles and humming
merrily.)
3RD THIEF: Hello! I have brought you
something to eat and drink.
1ST THIEF: Good! We have a surprise
for you.
3RD THIEF: What is it?
1ST THIEF: Come here, and we will
show you. (3RD THIEF approaches
and is knocked to the ground by 1ST
THIEF. Bottles fall. 2ND THIEF
jumps on 3RD THIEF and quickly
“stabs” him. 3RD THIEF lies motionless.)
2ND THIEF: He was so surprised it was
very easy. (He rises and puts away
dagger.)
27
1ST THIEF: You have done well, my
friend. He didn’t make a sound.
2ND THIEF: Now, let us celebrate.
1ST THIEF: Indeed, we will. We deserve
a drink for this deed. (They pick up bottles and pantomime drinking deeply.)
2ND THIEF: This is strange-tasting
water our friend has brought.
1ST THIEF: It tastes too bitter for my
liking.
2ND THIEF (Dropping bottle and staggering): I am dizzy.
1ST THIEF (Rubbing eyes with hands): I
cannot see.
2ND THIEF: What’s wrong? I feel weak!
(He falls. Looks at bottles) We have
been tricked!
1ST THIEF (Gasping): We have been
poisoned! (They fall to the ground and
lie motionless. After a slight pause,
OLD MAN enters, up center, behind
tree.)
OLD MAN (Looking at THIEVES):
Now, my young friends, you have
found the stranger you sought. (He
smiles sinisterly, bows to each THIEF,
and exits behind tree. Curtain closes.)
PARDONER (Rising with CHAUCER
and crossing center in front of curtain):
You see, money is the root of all evil. It
is the heart of most sins. But, friend,
do not worry about your sins, however
wicked. You will not drink poison, you
will not be murdered by your best
friend. Not if you buy pardons from
me. (Proclaiming) Step up, one and all!
If you have no money, exchange your
28
woolens for pardons! (To CHAUCER)
Chaucer, won’t you buy the first?
CHAUCER: Truly, Pardoner, you have
told a good story, but I will not buy a
pardon from you. Why, you are after
our money just as much as those
thieves we saw, you rascal.
PARDONER (Offended): Rascal, am I?
Never will I speak to you again.
CHAUCER: Come, now, we must all
remain friends. Shake hands, and
make up.
PARDONER: Very well, I agree. (They
shake hands.) And if ever you need my
services, I will be happy to sell you a
pardon.
CHAUCER: That won’t be necessary, for
whenever I am tempted to sin, I will
think of your story, and I know I will
not get into trouble.
PARDONER: Than I shall go penniless.
CHAUCER: It is your own fault, dear
man. Your story has put you out of
business. It is too good for your own
good.
PARDONER: Alas! I am ruined. The Old
Man under the tree has tricked me,
just as he did those thieves.
CHAUCER: Perhaps, but we appreciate
the lesson your story has taught us,
and to show our gratitude, we will pardon you with our applause. (He leads
the audience in applause, as PARDONER, joined by the rest of the cast, bows.
Curtain)
(Production Notes on page 64)
THE END
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Dramatized Classic (Upper & Middle Grades)
The Open Window
Mischievous young girl terrorizes a visitor to her
family’s home with sinister tales from her overactive
imagination. . . .
Adapted from the story by H.H. Munro (Saki) by Carol D. Wise
Characters
FRAMTON NUTTEL
VERA, precocious 15-year-old
MRS. SAPPLETON, Vera’s aunt
MR. SAPPLETON
TIME: Victorian England.
SETTING: A country house. A large open
French window looking out onto a lawn
is up center. A sofa is left and a chair
right. The door to outside is right.
AT RISE: VERA is sitting on sofa, read-
ing a book. There is a knock at the door.
She rises to open it to FRAMTON NUTTEL.
FRAMTON NUTTEL: Hello, young lady.
My name is Framton Nuttel, and I
have a letter of introduction from my
sister for Mrs. Sappleton. I believe she
is expecting me.
VERA: Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Nuttel!
My name is Vera. Mrs. Sappleton is my
aunt. We did hear that you were moving here to the country.
MARCH 2015
NUTTEL: Yes. . .for a while. (Looks
around, nervously)
VERA: Oh? Are you ill, Mr. Nuttel?
NUTTEL: Ill? No. . .not ill. I—well, I
suppose I tend to be rather nervous. I
came to the country for some rest and
an opportunity to cure my nerves.
VERA (Smiling): Ah, I see! Well, the
country is just the place for that! My
aunt will be down presently, Mr.
Nuttel; in the meantime you must try
and put up with me.
NUTTEL: Well, I’m sure that will be a...
pleasant task. You appear to be quite
amiable.
VERA: Amiable? Oh, of course! I am
exceedingly amiable. Everyone says
so. (Long pause) Tell me, Mr. Nuttel,
do you know many of the people ’round
here?
NUTTEL (Nervously): Er. . .hardly a
soul. My sister was staying here at the
rectory, you know, some four years
ago, and she gave me letters of introduction to some of the people here.
29
VERA: Then you know practically nothing about my aunt?
NUTTEL: Only her name and address.
VERA: You haven’t heard about my
aunt’s great tragedy?
NUTTEL (Shocked): Her great tragedy?
Why, no. My sister said nothing about
a tragedy.
VERA (In a somber tone): It happened
just three years ago. That would be
since your sister’s time.
NUTTEL: Ah, yes. . .I am so sorry to hear
about a tragedy. (Looking around)
Somehow in this restful country spot,
tragedies seem so out of place.
VERA: Oh, Mr. Nuttel, tragedies hap-
pen in the country as well as in the
city.
NUTTEL (Sighing): I suppose you are
VERA (Shaking her head): Oh—it was
quite terrible! (Pauses; solicitously)
Are you sure that your nerves are able
to handle this?
NUTTEL: My nerves? Oh, well. . .as you
say, I should learn this story if I am to
live in the neighborhood. Do go on.
VERA (Leading him closer to the win-
dow): In crossing the moor to their
favorite snipe-shooting ground, they
were all three engulfed in a treacherous piece of bog. It had been that
dreadful wet summer, you know, and
places that were safe in other years
gave way suddenly without warning.
NUTTEL (Gasping): Oh, do you mean
that they—
VERA (Nodding significantly): Disap-
peared completely. Their bodies were
never recovered. That was the dreadful
part of it.
right.
NUTTEL (Shaking his head): Oh, your
that window wide open on an October
afternoon. (Indicates window)
VERA (Sniffing): She’s never been the
same since it happened.
of the year, but does that window have
anything to do with the tragedy?
VERA: Poor aunt always thinks that
VERA: You may wonder why we keep
NUTTEL: It is quite warm for this time
VERA (Firmly): Oh, indeed, it does.
NUTTEL: Pardon me. I do not mean to
pry. Your aunt’s private affairs are
none of my business.
VERA: Oh, you will hear about it soon-
er or later if you are going to stay in
the neighborhood. (Leans closer and
lowers her voice) Out through that window (Gesturing), three years ago to the
day, my uncle and my aunt’s two
younger brothers went off for their
day’s shooting. . .and never came back.
NUTTEL: How tragic! What happened?
30
poor aunt! What a nightmare for her!
NUTTEL: I should imagine not.
they will come back someday.
NUTTEL (Surprised): Come back here?
VERA: Indeed. She believes that my
uncles—and the little brown spaniel
that was lost with them—will walk in
that window just as they used to do.
That is why the window is kept open
every evening till it is quite dusk.
NUTTEL: Poor woman! Can nothing be
done to help her?
VERA: The doctors have despaired of a
cure. Poor dear aunt, she can talk of
nothing else. She has often told me
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how they went out, her husband with
his white waterproof coat over his arm,
and Ronnie, her youngest brother,
singing “Bertie, why do you bound?” as
he always did to tease her, because she
said it got on her nerves.
NUTTEL (Shaking head): Such a tragedy!
VERA (Leaning closer as though in con-
fidence): Do you know, sometimes on
still, quiet evenings like this, I almost
get a creepy feeling that they will all
walk in through that window. Oh, but
of course it’s utterly ridiculous, and I
know that, but my aunt. . .sadly she
continues to wait—and hope. (Looks
left) But—here she comes now... (MRS.
SAPPLETON enters left.)
MRS. SAPPLETON: Mr. Nuttel, please
forgive me for being late.
NUTTEL: Oh, Mrs. Sappleton! That is
quite all right, I assure you.
MRS. SAPPLETON (Gesturing to the
chair): Please sit down. (NUTTEL sits
on the chair and MRS. SAPPLETON
and VERA sit on the sofa.)
MRS. SAPPLETON: I hope Vera has been
amusing you? (NUTTEL and VERA
exchange looks.)
NUTTEL: Oh, yes, indeed, she has been
very interesting.
MRS. SAPPLETON (Gesturing toward
the open window): I hope you don’t
mind the open window.
(Looking significantly
VERA): Oh, no, of course not.
NUTTEL
at
MRS. SAPPLETON: My husband and
brothers will be home directly from
shooting, and they always come in this
way. (NUTTEL looks at VERA, who
shakes her head.)
NUTTEL: Ah, I see.
MARCH 2015
MRS. SAPPLETON: They’ve been out for
snipe in the marshes today, so they’ll
make a fine mess over my poor carpets.
So like you menfolk, isn’t it? But I tolerate it, you know. My husband just
loves to shoot, and he loves to take my
younger brothers with him—even
though there is a scarcity of birds. Of
course, they always get duck in the
winter. . . .
NUTTEL (Looking around): Er, Mrs.
Sappleton, what a lovely home you
have! Georgian, I suppose?
MRS. SAPPLETON (Quickly): Oh yes, of
course. (Turns back to window) I always
worry about them when they are out
hunting. One never knows about guns.
But that’s what men love to do here in
the country. Do you hunt, Mr. Nuttel?
NUTTEL: Ah, no! Not at all. Not good for
the nerves. . . .(Looking at the rug) I
don’t believe I ever seen a carpet as
lovely as this one. Persian, I presume?
MRS. SAPPLETON (Glancing at rug):
Oh, yes, it is. My husband always says
that he hunts to enjoy the beauty of
nature as well as the thrill of the
chase.
NUTTEL (Clearing his throat): Perhaps
I have come at a bad time. . .
MRS. SAPPLETON: Oh, of course not.
They should be back at any minute,
and I would love for you to meet them.
NUTTEL (Glancing at his watch): You
know, Mrs. Sappleton, I probably
should be going. It’s been lovely visiting with you, but I have to take it easy
for a while. My nerves, you know. The
doctors agree in ordering me complete
rest, an absence of mental excitement,
and avoidance of anything in the
nature of violent physical exercise.
MRS. SAPPLETON: Oh, I see. (Looking
out the window) I do wish they’d hurry.
31
NUTTEL: On the matter of diet they are
not so much in agreement. Some doctors say more meat, and others say
more green vegetables.
MRS. SAPPLETON: One never knows
how to eat these days. Everything’s
bad for you! (Continues looking out the
window and suddenly brightens) Ah!
Here they are at last!
NUTTEL (Horrified): I beg your pardon?
MRS. SAPPLETON: Just in time for tea,
and don’t they look as if they were
muddy up to the eyes!
NUTTEL (Sympathetically): Mrs. Sappleton, you might want to rest for a
while. . .
VERA (Jumping up and going to the
window): Mr. Nuttel! Look! They are
coming! My uncle, the boys, and even
the little brown cocker spaniel! (NUTTEL leaps to his feet and peers out the
window as voice in the background
says, “Bertie, why do you bound?”)
NUTTEL (Frantic): I’m leaving! At once!
VERA: Mr. Nuttel!
MRS. SAPPLETON: Can’t you stay to
meet my husband and brothers?
(NUTTEL rushes off right.) What an
odd man!
MR. SAPPLETON (As he enters through
the window): Here I am, my dear, fairly muddy, but most of it’s dry. I sent
the boys around to the garage to clean
up. Who was that who bolted out as we
arrived?
MRS. SAPPLETON: A most extraordinary man, a Mr. Nuttel. Poor dear—he
could only talk about his illnesses, and
dashed off without a word of goodbye
or apology when you arrived. One
would think he had seen a ghost.
MR. SAPPLETON: Poor man. I will have
to pay him a visit tomorrow.
VERA: I expect it was the spaniel; he
told me he had a horror of dogs. He was
once hunted into a cemetery somewhere on the banks of the Ganges by a
pack of pariah dogs, and had to spend
the night in a newly dug grave with
the creatures snarling and grinning
and foaming just above him. Enough to
make anyone lose their nerve.
MR. SAPPLETON: Vera, you have the
most incredible imagination! You
make up the most bizarre stories!
MRS. SAPPLETON: Indeed she does! I
don’t know what the child will think of
next! (VERA smiles serenely at audience as curtain closes.)
THE END
The Open Window
PRODUCTION NOTES
CHARACTERS: 2 male, 2 female; offstage male voice.
PLAYING TIME: 20 minutes.
COSTUMES: Early 1900s upper-clas
English dress. Mr. Nuttel wears a
watch. Mr. Sappleton is in hunting
clothes.
32
SETTING: A country house. A large open
French window looking out onto a lawn
is up center. A sofa is left and a chair
right. The door to outside is right.
PROPERTIES: Book.
LIGHTING and SOUND: No special
effects.
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Middle Grades
Prince Roger and the
Dastardly Marriage Plot
A large-cast play featuring one bride, two grooms, and
a kingdom full of silliness. . .
by Amber Herrick
Characters
PRINCE ROGER
LADY AGATHA, Roger’s intended
bride
THE KING
THE QUEEN
LORD ARCHIBALD RATTIGAN,
aka “Roger”
GRANNY BETTY (DUCHESS BATTINA)
GRANNY WILLIE (DUCHESS
WILHELMINA)
MRS. HONEYCUTT, of Posie
Corner Cottage
ROYAL BAKERS
ROYAL FLORISTS
ROYAL DRESSMAKERS
MOOSE TAMER
HOUSEWIVES OF MOSSGROVE
JUDGE
LORDS AND LADIES OF THE
ROYAL COURT
MARCH 2015
SCENE 1
TIME: Long ago, far away, as the dawn
is breaking.
SETTING: Lady Agatha’s bedchamber.
At center sits a four-poster bed.
AT RISE: LADY AGATHA sleeps sound-
ly, gently snoring, eye mask and nightcap on. ROGER tiptoes in left, carrying
a mound of fluffy pillows, which he gently places to the side of the bed, below
AGATHA’s head and facing audience.
He slowly backs up, then bolts forward
and jumps on the end of the bed.
ROGER: Guess what!
AGATHA (Slipping out of bed and onto
pillow pile): Gack! (Pulls off mask)
Prince Roger! What are you doing in
my room?
ROGER: Relating the most thrilling of
news, naturally, my most beloved
Pudding Face.
AGATHA (Standing and crossing arms):
Let me guess. You found a unicorn.
ROGER: No.
33
AGATHA: A mermaid?
ROGER: After breakfast. I wanted to
AGATHA: You’re going on a golden egg
hunt and won’t be back for a year?
AGATHA (Stunned): Today?
ROGER: No, but close.
ROGER: Closer.
AGATHA: You woke up this morning
missing your head and need me to help
you look for it.
ROGER: Warmer!
AGATHA: You discovered eating puree
of newt makes you shrink to the size of
a thimble and you want me to keep a
lookout while you explore the world of
the miniature
ROGER:
Nothing
so
mundane.
(Dramatic pause) I’m getting married!
AGATHA (Shocked): What do you mean,
you’re getting
engaged to me!
married?
You’re
ROGER (Kindly): I know that. Don’t you
think I remember asking you under
the elms the night I couldn’t remember
how many arms I had? Don’t you
remember holding open all the doors
for me?
AGATHA: Of course I remember. And so
I repeat, how could you be getting married?
ROGER: Well, that’s what engaged people do, don’t they?
AGATHA (Slowly): Roger, are you
telling me that we are getting married?
ROGER: Of course. You think I would
marry someone I wasn’t engaged to?
AGATHA: I can’t have these kinds of
discussions when I’m half-asleep. I
hope you will condescend to inform me
when we are getting married.
34
make sure your little tummy was full
before you had to face so great an
honor as marrying your Prince.
ROGER (Flinging his arms open wide
and facing left): Come on in, everyone!
She’s up! (A parade of people enters:
DRESSMAKERS holding yards of fabric, BAKERS holding a cake, ROYAL
FLORISTS holding large bouquets,
MOOSE TAMER, in a dress uniform,
holding a bull whip.) Let’s get these
pesky details ironed out! We have a
wedding to throw before lunch!
AGATHA (As DRESSMAKERS hold fabric up to her neck): This is outrageous!
ROGER: What’s outrageous is the
stinginess of this fabric. (He tosses fabric aside.) It’s a wedding gown, not a
bathing suit! Twice as much, at least.
AGATHA (With carefully controlled tem-
per): Roger, I have lived at Mossgrove
castle for ten years. When my father
sent me here he informed me you
were—how shall I put this—a “raving
loony bird,” and that you would probably do something insane five minutes
after my arrival and if you did to come
straight home and that would be the
end of our family’s obligation to your
family. Do you remember what you did
four minutes and fifty nine seconds
after my arrival?
ROGER (Tasting the cake frosting): I
believe I tried to recruit your help in
beheading a mountain of beets I needed for my medicinal beet casserole.
AGATHA: You were dripping from head
to toe in beet juice, holding an armful
of mangled beets, and yelling for a
knife. But I did not go home to my
father. Instead I wrote him that
reports of your eccentricity were exaggerated.
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ROGER: Very sensible. (To baker) Do
you think we can work some beet juice
into this frosting? Just enough to make
it a frightful red.
AGATHA: It didn’t help that you insisted on sending my letter by badger, and
that my father was bitten trying to
open it.
ROGER (Patting her head affectionately): In the splendid years since your
blessed arrival, you have endeared
yourself to the people of Mossgrove by
your thoughtful attentions to the
needy and your heartfelt kindness to
everyone you meet. They heartily
approve of their future Queen, and will
even more so when you arrive at the
Great Hall sporting this on your
adorable coconut! (He holds up a giant
pink bow. AGATHA quietly picks up a
large pillow.)
AGATHA (With controlled anger): I have
just one more question for you, my
prince. Who in the world is that? (She
points to MOOSE TAMER.)
ROGER: The moose tamer, naturally.
We can’t have you ride into the hall on
an untamed moose. Your bow might
fall off. (AGATHA holds up the pillow
in a threatening manner and ROGER
begins to back up slowly.) No more
time for chitchat, I’m off to inspect the
chocolate fountain. (AGATHA throws
the pillow, which ROGER neatly
dodges.) Until after breakfast, my love!
AGATHA: I mean it, and I’ll show it. I
shall refuse to marry him. That’s what
I’ll do! (All in room stop what they are
doing to stare in surprise. AGATHA
continues with increasing determination.) After all, what would life be like
married to a prince who won’t bother to
ask my opinion before adopting a tribe
of wild men? Or moving me and the
royal family to the Great Icy North, to
play with snow bears the rest of our
days? He must learn to show consideration for the feelings of others and he
will start this day. He will start now!
Stand aside! (Others make way as she
dramatically exits left.)
MOOSE TAMER: You don’t suppose she’ll
really refuse to marry the Prince of the
Realm, do you? Who ever heard of such
a shocking thing?
ROYAL FLORISTS: She couldn’t! She
wouldn’t!
BAKER: Of course she won’t. (Pause) But
I’ll start collecting rutabagas for the
Prince’s Medicinal Brokenheart pie,
just in case. (All exit as curtain closes.)
** *
SCENE 2
TIME: A few minutes later.
SETTING: Great Hall of Mossgrove
Castle. Tapestries hang on the walls.
Three thrones stand center.
AT RISE: Sitting on two of the thrones
are the KING and QUEEN. A third
person stands to their left, his back to
the audience. AGATHA enters, angry
and ready for battle.
AGATHA (Throwing off the fabric the
DRESSMAKERS have hung on her):
How dare Roger do this to me? How
dare he plan my wedding without me?
This time he has gone too far! (She
stomps and pounds her fist into her
hand.)
AGATHA: Good, you’re all here. I must
has been ten years in the making. (The
others start to giggle but come to a sudden halt at AGATHA’s black look.)
QUEEN: Ah, here is your lovely bride to
DRESSMAKER (To others): That remark
MARCH 2015
speak with Your Majesties at once. I—
(She stops cold as the third person
turns around to face her. It’s “ROGER,”
in a slightly different tunic and with a
goatee. A long sword hangs at his hip.)
be! Lady Agatha, you are all aglow on
35
your wedding day. Roger was just
sharing his final plans with us. The
wedding will be so scrumptious!
(AGATHA says nothing as she stares at
“ROGER.”)
KING: Invitations have been going out
for months, and visitors are streaming
in from all corners of the Kingdom. Such
a wedding Mossgrove will never forget.
A chocolate fountain and everything!
(AGATHA is still silent and staring.)
“ROGER”: Is anything wrong, my lady?
(His voice is cool and low, with none of
ROGER’s playfulness.)
AGATHA (Slowly): Why, no, my prince.
I was thinking perhaps you might wish
to inspect the cake the bakers have
been preparing. They are in the
kitchens now. I wouldn’t dream of
approving it without you.
“ROGER”: Of course! And if your
majesties will excuse me, there are one
or two tasks I must complete before the
ceremony. My lady. (He bows gracefully to AGATHA, who curtsies in return,
and then he exits left.)
QUEEN (Worriedly): Are you sure
you’re all right, dear? You—(She stops
as AGATHA’s hand shoots up, motioning for silence.)
AGATHA: No, I am not all right.
Something is very, very wrong.
KING: Agatha, perhaps we should call
Roger back, you seem in distress.
AGATHA: I’d love nothing better, except
for one problem: The man who just left
us is not Roger.
QUEEN (Astonished): Of course it’s
Roger! Whatever do you mean?
AGATHA (In an intense whisper): Please,
we must be quiet! I tell you it isn’t.
36
QUEEN: Don’t you think we know our
son? We’ll call him back at once—
AGATHA: No. I don’t know who that
was, and I agree he is an absolute
match for Roger, but it isn’t him. That
man had a goatee.
KING (Kindly): Roger has a goatee,
dear. Remember he said it made him
look smarter? And you said it made
him look like a bandit?
AGATHA: He didn’t have it when he
woke me up a few minutes ago. He
must have shaved it off last night. But
that man had a goatee. And another
thing: That man kept calling me “My
Lady.” Roger always calls me something like “My Pearl” or “My Dove” or
“My Little Stinking Onion.” Not once in
ten years has he called me “My Lady.”
QUEEN: There may be a perfectly logical
explanation for all this. There is hardly
need for such alarm. Your nerves are no
doubt taxed from all the excitement.
AGATHA (Firmly): My nerves are as
steady as a clock. And even if Roger
managed to grow a goatee in five minutes, as you suggest, that doesn’t
explain the sword. Since when does
Roger wear a sword? He hates sharp
objects. He says no man should be a
danger to himself.
KING (Wonderingly): You’re right, he is
wearing a sword. Just a moment, I’ll
fetch a servant. (He goes left, calls off
loudly.) Winifred? Will you tell my son
to bring his mother her scepter? She
left it in the breakfast room. He’s in the
kitchens. (He quickly walks back to the
other two.) We’ll soon settle this. No
use getting panicked over nothing. The
real Roger will know exactly where the
scepter is, especially since he’s the one
who dropped it in Crocodile Lagoon
wrestling that alligator.
QUEEN: Yes, of course he will. No one
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could forget that, especially since he
lost, two matches to three. (Suddenly
“ROGER” enters left, startling the
group, who stare at him nervously.)
SETTING: Mrs. Honeycutt’s parlor at
QUEEN: Oh. Yes. Actually, it’s in the
Jewel Room. Will you fetch it for me?
AT RISE: The parlor is packed: GRAN-
“ROGER”: Your bridal cake is too exquisite, my lady. So very red. I cannot
wait for the bridal supper. Mother, the
maid says you left your scepter in the
breakfast room?
“ROGER” (Smiling): Of course, Mother.
I shall be right back. (He exits.)
QUEEN (Horrified): You’re
Agatha. That’s not Roger!
right,
KING: Whoever it is, his smile is ghast-
ly. And I’m afraid he looks as if he
knows how to use that sword.
QUEEN: What shall we do?
AGATHA: Fight back, naturally.
KING: How? We can’t risk any sort of
armed conflict. We’d lose.
QUEEN: And what has happened to our
son? We can’t endanger Roger’s life by
confronting this imposter until Roger
has been found!
AGATHA (Thoughtfully): You say your
relatives have streamed in from all
over the kingdom? (The other two nod.)
Good. We’ll invite the most trustworthy and clever to a council of war in the
village, to formulate a plan of attack.
QUEEN (Hopefully): With a garrison
you’ve hidden down there?
KING: Or at least with a band of burly
village men?
AGATHA: No, Your Majesties. With the
housewives. (Smiles as curtain closes)
** *
MARCH 2015
SCENE 3
TIME: One hour later.
Posie Corner Cottage. There are sweet
pictures on the walls and several cozy
chairs. At center is a parlor table; a
vase sits on top with berry-bush
branches spilling over onto the table.
There are also branches peeking out of
various objects throughout the room.
NY BETTY and GRANNY WILLIE sit
in chairs, each holding a rolling pin.
GRANNY WILLIE, very ancient, has a
rusty tiara on her head and alternates
between pounding the rolling pin in her
hand and periodically falling asleep,
snoring loudly. AGATHA sits on edge
of table, plucking at the berries, deep in
thought. HOUSEWIVES and MRS.
HONEYCUTT stand behind chairs.
KING and QUEEN pace.
GRANNY WILLIE: Trust my greatnephew to get himself kidnapped on
his wedding day! And he promised me
a dip in the chocolate fountain, too.
GRANNY BETTY: Willie, hush. We’ve got
bigger problems than your sweet tooth.
QUEEN: Oh, what have they done with
my precious little lambykins?
KING: And who is the man pretending
to be Roger?
AGATHA: That’s the key to the whole
mystery. Who is he, and what does he
want?
MRS. HONEYCUTT: Your majesties, I
must say I’m surprised he let the three
of you out of sight.
AGATHA: Barely. We have to hurry or
he’ll get suspicious. I’m not sure all is
going according to plan with him, anyway. When we left he was on the castle
green, staring up a tree. He’s definite37
ly looking for something.
GRANNY BETTY: Hurray! Roger’s given
’im the slip, you can bet on it.
AGATHA: Yes, but how? And can we
find him before the stranger does? And
how do we get this imposter out of the
picture safely? And—Granny Willie, do
you mind? You’re dripping berry juice
all over poor Mrs. Honeycutt’s lovely
chair. (AGATHA pulls a branch out of
WILLIE’s hands. WILLIE takes a
swipe at her and misses.)
MRS. HONEYCUTT: That’s my fault,
Lady Agatha. I lost my mind this past
winter and planted my entire vegetable
garden over with winterberry bushes,
and now I got thirty barrels of the stuff,
and it’s a’ going bad on me, and flocks of
ravens circle my cottage day and night,
and the Prince himself sent me a cease
and desist notice last week on account
of he said the ravens stare at him
funny, so I got them out of the garden
by stuffing berries into every receptacle
in this house, and I’m going to throw a
berry eating party, and—
AGATHA (Holding up her hand for
silence): Wait a minute. Party. That’s
where I’ve heard that odious Princewannabe’s voice before. Long, long ago.
At a party. . .(Snaps her fingers) Of
course! I know who that is!
ALL: Who?
AGATHA: It’s Archibald Rattigan!
AGATHA: What?!
QUEEN: He was knighted five years ago.
AGATHA: Archibald Rattigan? The
mean-spirited little sneak who once
cut off my pigtails with scissors and
blamed it on the servants—
KING: Yes.
AGATHA: Who used to steal anything
and everything, including our roof
tiles, and blame it on the servants—
KING: Um, yes.
AGATHA: Who used to beat the ser-
vants and blame even that on the servants—
KING: Yes!
AGATHA: Who ate an entire barrel of
candied apples all by himself while we
were distracted by the weeping servants—
KING: Yes, yes and yes!
AGATHA: Who on earth made that
thieving cheating creeping eel a Lord?
KING (Thoughtfully): In hindsight, it
was a mistake.
QUEEN: But we certainly didn’t invite
him to your wedding, and he lives a
hundred miles off, in the North Deserts.
(There is a stunned pause.)
GRANNY WILLIE (Snorting herself
may be right. I haven’t seen him since
he was a child, but even then. . .
AGATHA: Have a berry, Granny Willie.
(To others) Well, someone must have
invited him. He’s here.
QUEEN: Great heavens, I think you
GRANNY BETTY: He always did look
like Roger. Once I thought he was
Roger and I tried to give him a candy,
and the greedy little blighter bit me!
KING: Well, he’s Lord Rattigan now.
38
awake): Who has dessert?
GRANNY BETTY (Thoughtfully): In
hindsight, it was a mistake. (Everyone
stares at her. GRANNY WILLIE glares
at her sister for a moment, then falls
back asleep.) Well, at least I didn’t
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invite Grammy Mimi. (All except
AGATHA shudder in horror.)
AGATHA: Who’s Grammy Mimi?
KING: Archibald’s great-grandmother
on his father’s side. We try not to speak
of her.
GRANNY BETTY (To AGATHA): She’s as
tall as a man and thin as a fishbone,
with long knobby fingers and burning
red eyes. I wish she was here. She’d fix
Ratty for sure. (During the next line,
AGATHA, deep in thought, starts snapping her fingers.) She hates him, ever
since he told her her face could curdle
an egg, and she tried to throw him off
the castle turret, and it took six of us
to—(Annoyed, to AGATHA) what is it,
young’un?
AGATHA: That’s it! Ladies! Go get the
iron chest from the village smithy!
Mrs. Honeycutt! Send your grandson
to the castle kitchen to fetch Roger’s
Recipe Book! Granny Betty, Granny
Willie! (GRANNY WILLIE shakes herself awake.) Get the berries together!
Big problems demand bold action.
(Dramatic pause) We’re going to make
an entire treasure chest full of Roger’s
Winterberry Muffins. (All stare at her,
puzzled.)
QUEEN: Won’t that be rather fattening?
AGATHA: It will be rather tempting. We
may not be able to bring Grammy
Mimi here, but I know of something
just as good, if not better. To the
kitchens! (Curtain closes.)
***
SCENE 4
TIME: Late afternoon, dusk.
SETTING: The Great Hall, decorated for a
wedding. Flowers hang from walls and
adorn thrones. Large vases scattered
across stage are bursting with flowers.
AT RISE: AGATHA, KING and QUEEN
MARCH 2015
stand before thrones with RATTIGAN.
AGATHA wears wedding gown and
giant pink bow on her head. GRANNY
BETTY, GRANNY WILLIE, MRS.
HONEYCUTT stand to right and left.
Behind them are LORDS and LADIES.
Imposing JUDGE stands a bit off to the
left, holding huge, official-looking book.
JUDGE: And now, if there is to be no
further interruption from that moose,
we shall begin the ceremony.
AGATHA (Pretending to be shocked):
Wait! Roger and I haven’t eaten the
wedding muffins!
RATTIGAN: Wedding muffins? In the
middle of a
marriage ceremony?
(AGATHA whistles, and HOUSEWIVES roll in an enormous chest. They
wheel it center so it faces audience. Two
more HOUSEWIVES enter holding platters of muffins.)
AGATHA: Our lives cannot become one
until we have shared a ceremonial
Winterberry-LightningcherryCrabapple-Nutmeg-PinkPepper
Muffin, the official muffin of Mossgrove.
’Tis your own recipe, my dearest prince.
Now, have a bite. (She begins to feed
him muffin as he protests.)
RATTIGAN (Between bites): Stop that at
once. I’m not eating any muffins. We’re
getting married!
AGATHA (Stopping): Oh, did you want
me to send back the chest, then? The
villagers will be most offended; it’s
their wedding gift, after all.
RATTIGAN (Sneering): Trust Mossgrove
to give muffins to their future king on
his wedding day. There’s going to be
some changes around here, believe me.
AGATHA: So you don’t want them.
RATTIGAN (Adamantly): No!
39
AGATHA: Even though they’re gold-
QUEEN: How will he breathe?
RATTIGAN: Not even though they’re—
back. (She goes behind the chest and
speaks into the back.) We’re sending
you to Grammy Mimi, Ratty! (There’s a
pause, then the banging starts up twice
as frantic.) And he has plenty of
muffins inside to eat along the way.
dusted?
(Suddenly) wait, they’re what?
AGATHA: Gold dusted. Well, the ones in
the chest are, anyway. But if you don’t
want them—(She motions to HOUSEWIVES, who make as if to wheel the
chest away. RATTIGAN throws his
arms over the chest to stop them.)
RATTIGAN: I command you to halt! (To
AGATHA) And I command you to open
this chest at once.
AGATHA: Certainly, my Prince. (She
takes keys hanging from a braid
around her waist and opens the top of
chest very slowly. RATTIGAN leans
over the edge to peer in. AGATHA turns
to HOUSEWIVES.) Now! (All HOUSEWIVES rush RATTIGAN and push
him into the chest. AGATHA slams the
top shut and locks it, to a great cheer.)
KING: You’ve done it!
GRANNY BETTY: That’ll teach him to
usurp a throne. And crash our parties!
AGATHA: Ladies, his mailing label, if
you please. (HOUSEWIVES produce a
scroll, which AGATHA unwinds and
sticks across the front of the chest, facing audience.)
GRANNY BETTY (Reading): “Baroness
Mimi Von Rattigan, Tremordan Castle,
Black Ash Ravine, North Deserts.”
GRANNY WILLIE (Clinging to JUDGE):
The castle is hewn out of ancient black
rock, with vultures circling day and
night, and no living soul dares to
approach its terrifying, skull-studded
gates!
AGATHA: Well Ratty’s going there right
now, via ox-cart. (From inside the chest
RATTIGAN is banging to be let out.)
40
AGATHA: There’s a little panel in the
GRANNY BETTY: I wrote Mimi a note
about what a naughty boy Ratty’s
been. She’ll be furious!
GRANNY WILLIE: Mostly because he
didn’t include her!
AGATHA (Into back of chest): Now
remember, if you should ever be so
foolish as to come back, we will be
ready for you. And no matter who
sends you what, you are NOT invited
to any more family get-togethers. Mrs.
Honeycutt, open the Great Hall doors.
(MRS. HONEYCUTT obeys as
HOUSEWIVES wheel chest out, the
banging still going on inside.)
Goodbye, Lord Rattigan! And good riddance! (A great cheer goes up from all
in attendance, but they are silenced as
AGATHA raises her hand.) And now
we must find Roger! We’ll rouse the
entire Kingdom if necessary. We shall
leave no stone unturned, no corner
unchecked, until we find my beloved
Prince. Oh, why did I ever let my darling out of my sight? How scared he
must be, and without even his cookie
jar to console him!
KING: Agatha, did you see this? (KING
pulls note off muffin platter being held
by HOUSEWIFE, and QUEEN and
AGATHA crowd around to read it.)
AGATHA (Reading): Dearest, Most
Adored Agatha, My Peal and Dove and
Beloved Onion,
I write this from the cold comfort of
the ice box. I caught the Royal Baker in
the act of making my medicinal
Heartbreak Pie, rutabagas piled higher
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than my head. Soon he told me the
whole horrible truth: You intend to
refuse my hand and my heart, on
account of my wedding plans and not
telling you and the Moose Tamer.
Blame not the moose! I shall never forgive myself for hurting my Beautiful
Kumquat. I deserve no pardon, but
please do forgive on account of it’s cold
in here and I will not make such a mistake again as long as we live, hopefully
together. I attach this note to a platter
some village matron is carrying out of
the kitchens, her face dark and troubled
as my soul. Do what you will, I shall
remain—Your Prince, Roger
P.S. Someone invited Cousin Ratty to
our most blessed day, and it wasn’t me.
He tied me to my own suit of armor but
as soon as he left the armory I got into
my armor and marched out. Do not let
him near the chocolate fountain, he’s
greedy. (AGATHA finishes and all three
look up in astonishment.)
KING: Quick, the ice box!
AGATHA: Let me! Oh, my dearest dar-
ling, how his teeth must be chattering.
(Rushes out left)
JUDGE: As always at Prince Roger’s
parties, I am confused. Are we actually
having a wedding, or was I invited to
observe the foiling of a plot?
GRANNY BETTY: Both. This is a
Mossgrove wedding, after all.
MRS. HONEYCUTT: I’m worried about
that chocolate fountain. It’s a fudge
fountain by now. (PRINCE ROGER
enters, with AGATHA in tow.)
PRINCE ROGER: All the better, my good
woman. Makes the most delightful
squishy noises!
ALL: Roger! (QUEEN embraces him,
KING heartily shakes one hand while
MARCH 2015
JUDGE shakes the other, GRANNIES
and HOUSEWIVES join hands and
dance around him.)
MRS. HONEYCUTT: You gave us such a
fright, Your Highness!
QUEEN: Poor Agatha nearly had to
marry Archibald Rattigan.
ROGER (Outraged): My precious Banana
Nut marry that nefarious scoundrel,
that goateed imposter, that odious,
badly dressed, granny-biting pretender!
KING: That’s the one.
ROGER: Never! Clever women shouldn’t marry scoundrels. Clever women
should marry me! (Softly) That is, if it
pleases them.
AGATHA (With a radiant smile): It
pleases me.
ROGER: Then let us waste no more time.
As fun as it is to be tied up for hours, we
mustn’t delay the most glorious wedding in the annals of Mossgrove.
GRANNY WILLIE (Waking with a start):
What circus animals? What’d I miss?
GRANNY BETTY: Nothing, Willie, just a
happily ever after. (In a loud whisper)
Let’s go find the fudge fountain.
ROGER (In an equally loud whisper):
Save some for me! (To AGATHA)
Nothing works up an appetite like
marrying the perfect woman.
AGATHA: Well said, my Prince.
(GRANNY WILLIE and GRANNY
BETTY sneak off, as ROGER and
AGATHA kneel before JUDGE and all
others gather around them as curtain
closes.)
(Production Notes on next page)
THE END
41
Prince Roger and the Dastardly Marriage Plot
(Play on pages 33-41)
PRODUCTION NOTES
CHARACTERS: 3 male, 5 female, 2 male
or female for Judge and Moose Tamer;
as many male and female as needed for
Housewives of Mossgrove, Bakers,
Dressmakers, Florists and Lords and
Ladies of Royal Court. Lords and
Ladies of Court may be omitted to simplify production.
PLAYING TIME: 25 minutes.
COSTUMES: Fairytale dress. Queen
wears regal, flowing dress, as does
Agatha in Scenes 2 and 3. King, Lord
Rattigan, and Prince Roger wear
ornate tunics. Rattigan wears sword at
his hip throughout. Mrs. Honeycutt
wears homey peasant dress, as do
Housewives. Bakers and Florists wear
white tunics, and Bakers have chef
hats. Judge wears long black robe.
Lords and Ladies wear appropriate
fairytale dress. Moose Tamer wears
hunting-style uniform. Agatha wears
eye-mask, nightcap and nightgown in
Scene 1, and wedding dress and pink
bow in Scene 4. King and Queen wear
crowns, Granny Willie wears very
beat-up tiara. If production permits,
Roger can wear suit of armor in Scene
4.
SETTING: Mossgrove castle. Scene 1:
Agatha’s richly decorated bedroom,
with bed at center. Scene 2: Great
Hall, with three thrones at center.
Scene 3: Mrs. Honeycutt’s cottage parlor, with two chairs and a table at center. Large vase with berry branches in
on table, with other receptacles holding berries around room. Scene 4:
Same as Scene 2, but with thrones
removed and hall decorated for a wedding. Many vases with flowers around
the hall.
PROPERTIES: Large pillows, yards of
dress fabric, large cake, huge pink
bow, rolling pins, rusty tiara, branches
studded with berries, vases, flowers,
cart with wheels, Roger’s note, and
scroll with address of Baroness Mimi
written across front. Moose Tamer carries bullwhip; a riding crop or another
suitable prop can be substituted. Large
chest big enough for Ratttigan to fit
inside.
LIGHTING and SOUND: No special lighting or sound effects.
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this play (www.playsmagazine.com).
Stone Soup
Middle Grades
Stranger’s recipe brings townspeople together, in this
fun Western retelling of an old tale. . . .
Characters
by Amy Green
TUMBLEWEED PETE, clever drifter
BANJO, cheerful cowboy
SUSANNA, his painfully shy love
interest
LORAINE, sour townsperson
SHERIFF, uptight lawkeeper
HENRIETTA, crabby old lady
HENRY, her husband, mostly deaf
OLIVIA JANE, reformed card shark
BANJO: Well, howdy there, stranger!
(PETE jumps, startled.) Welcome to
Cactus Junction.
PETE: Why thank you. I’m Pete, but
most call me Tumbleweed Pete.
BANJO: Name’s Banjo. (Shakes his
hand) So, where’re you from?
PETE: Oh, round about Kansas. I’m
headed out to visit my uncle. He started a logging business out in California.
I think he hopes he’ll convince me to
take over once he dies.
SCENE 1
SETTING: Main Street, the Wild West.
BANJO: Well, glad you stopped by. If
you’re looking for a good meal, the
Greasy Spoon Café down the road a
piece serves up a fine vegetable surprise.
AT RISE: PETE is emptying rocks out of
pot)
PETE: It’s been a long day. It’d take
big pot. What’re you planning to do
with it, drown a cow?
There is a water pump left.
his boot. A large black pot and a battered suitcase are next to him.
months to scrub all the layers of dust
off of me. Too bad I have to spend the
night in this rundown town. They probably count the chickens in the population number I saw on the sign.
(BANJO enters, holding what else but a
banjo.)
MARCH 2015
PETE: No thanks. I’ve got this. (Taps
BANJO (Whistling): That sure is one
PETE: No, no. This is my stone soup
pot.
BANJO: Stone soup? What’s that?
PETE: Secret family recipe. All you
43
need is a good stone and a pot of boiling water.
SUSANNA: I have to go. (She exits, and
BANJO stares after her, sighing.)
BANJO: Gee, I never heard of anything
like that.
PETE: You know, where I come from,
eling companion. (Pats it lovingly) It’s
cooked up many a community meal.
Nothing brings people together like
food.
BANJO: Huh? Really?
PETE: Yes, sir, this pot is my one trav-
BANJO: You may be right, Mr. Tumbleweed, sir, but you shouldn’t try that
around here.
PETE: Why not?
BANJO: People here hate each other.
Some kinda curse on the town that a
crazy old woman put on us when a
mine collapsed and killed her husband
some years back. No one can hardly
even talk to each other.
PETE: Well, you seem nice enough.
BANJO: Oh, sure. I’m the friendliest
cowhand you’ll ever meet. It’s just that
no one actually likes me. They think I
talk too much.
PETE: Hm-m. Interesting. (SUSANNA
enters left, holding a few packages
wrapped in brown paper and constantly looking at the ground.)
they say that a woman loves a man
who can cook.
PETE: A good strong man who can go
hunting one minute and then cook up
what he caught the next—yes sir,
that’s the way to a woman’s heart.
BANJO: That stone soup you were talk-
ing about making. . .do you think it
would taste different if it had a little
bit of roast rabbit in it?
PETE: Oh, I don’t know. But I’d consid-
er putting it in just as a favor to you.
I’d make sure Miss Susanna gets the
first taste, of course.
BANJO: Wahoo! You got yourself a deal,
mister! (Runs off, as LORAINE enters)
LORAINE: What was he so excited
about?
PETE: Oh, he’s just going to catch a rab-
bit for dinner. What’s your name,
friend?
LORAINE: My name is Loraine, and I’m
not your friend.
BANJO (Tipping hat): Good evening,
PETE: Well, Loraine, any chance you’d
SUSANNA: I said, no, thank you.
LORAINE: Any chance you’d let me go in
peace if I don’t?
Miss Susanna. Would you be needing
help with those parcels? (SUSANNA
mutters something.) What’s that?
BANJO: But they must be awfully
heavy. What’s in them, anyway?
SUSANNA: Spices.
BANJO: Oh, spices. Isn’t that nice? Like
salt and pepper and all that?
44
help a stranger fill up this old kettle
with water?
PETE: Not much.
LORAINE: Fine. But don’t drop that
monstrosity on my foot. (Starts lugging
it over to the pump) So what’s this for,
anyway?
PETE: Oh, just making some stone soup
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to share with the town.
PETE: I see. Well, you can feel free to
PETE: No, it’s the best thing you’d ever
LORAINE: Fine. Well, there’s your
water. Probably won’t boil for a couple
hours. By then, the soup won’t be
worth eating.
LORAINE: Stone soup? Sounds terrible.
taste. I should know. I used to be a chef
in a fancy restaurant back East.
LORAINE: What’re you doing out here,
then?
PETE: Oh, just looking for something
new. Thinking of starting a ranch out
here, maybe. There were too many people in New England. All of them greeting you on the street, reviewing your
restaurant in their fancy newspapers,
wanting you to come to the opera and
all that.
LORAINE: Sounds awful. You know this
town is cursed, right?
PETE: So I hear. Well, I said I needed a
change. (Starts to fill pot from pump)
LORAINE: So, you’re just. . .making free
food for the town. No charge?
PETE: Sure. Figure, if I’m going to settle out here, can’t hurt to build some
goodwill.
LORAINE: Well, your stone soup can’t
possibly be as good as my mother’s
cornbread.
PETE: Cornbread, huh? All golden and
crusty on top, I bet.
LORAINE: That’s right. Perfect with a
little melted butter.
PETE: Well, it just so happens that
cornbread goes pretty good with stone
soup. Distracts a little bit from the
soup’s natural flavor, but it fills people
up more.
LORAINE: Aw, I’ve never made more
than one tiny loaf at a time. No one ever
visits me. I wouldn’t want them to.
MARCH 2015
come to dinner tonight, with or without
bread, y’hear?
PETE: You’re the cheerful sort, aren’t
you?
LORAINE: I just say things like they
are. (SHERIFF enters.)
SHERIFF: Hold on, hold on. What’s
going on here?
LORAINE: We’re just getting some
water, Sheriff. Water’s still free, last I
checked. No point in stealing it.
What’re you going to do, bottle it up
and try to sell it to people?
SHERIFF: As if that’ll ever happen.
PETE: My name’s Tumbleweed Pete.
Pleasure to meet you.
SHERIFF (Not as pleased): You have a
nose like a bank robber I arrested once.
LORAINE: You mean the kid who took a
few quarters from the clerk’s desk
when he wasn’t looking?
SHERIFF: Quiet, you.
LORAINE: Look, Sheriff, a desperado!
SHERIFF (Drawing a gun, turning):
Where?
LORAINE (Laughing): See what I
mean? He thinks he’s big time, but all
he’s got to brag about is the number of
crossword puzzles he gets done in a
day.
SHERIFF: Get out of here. No loitering
on my streets! (To PETE) And what’s
that pot for, anyway?
45
LORAINE (Exiting): It’s for a human
sacrifice. He’s going to boil someone
alive.
SHERIFF: Don’t know where you came
from, Tumbleweed, but around here,
that’s illegal.
PETE: I think it was supposed to be a
joke.
SHERIFF: Well, what are you doing with
the pot, then?
PETE: I was planning on making some
dinner and sharing it with the rest of
the town.
SHERIFF: Why?
PETE: Well, I used to lead a company of
cattle drivers. Every night, we’d all
share a pot of stew, talking and telling
wild tall tales. Guess I just filled the
whole pot out of habit.
SHERIFF: Hm-m. Well, carry on, I sup-
pose. But I’ll be watching you,
Tumbleweed. (He exits.)
HENRIETTA: And just who are you, anyway?
PETE: Tumbleweed Pete. Just a travel-
er heading north to visit my sister’s
family.
HENRIETTA: Well, if you’re traveling,
you should come on down to the
Greasy Spoon. I’m Henrietta, and my
husband and I own the place.
PETE: I’m afraid I’m a little low on
money, ma’am. Spent it all on a train
ticket to get out here from my farm in
Indiana. My sister’s husband died last
month, see, and she needs a man
around to chop wood and fight off bears
this winter. Seven kids. That’s why I
brought this big old pot. Figured they’d
eat a lot of my famous stone soup.
HENRIETTA: Stone soup? What in the
name of the Ozarks is that?
PETE: It’s my favorite recipe. I’ve got
the water all ready, but I’ll be needing
a fire. (HENRY runs in. He yells
almost everything he says.)
PETE: Didn’t even get a chance to get
any food out of him. Might be a thin
soup night for me. (HENRIETTA
enters, carrying an armful of vegetables.) Or maybe not.
HENRY: Fire! Did someone say fire?
come from my garden, I’d say that
Banjo just tried to steal some of my
prize-winning carrots. He was running
out of town faster than a rabbit.
How’re we going to make soup if all the
chickens get fried? (He stops, laughs.)
Huh. Might not be that bad after all.
Blackened chicken.
HENRIETTA: I swear, if I hadn’t just
PETE: Actually, I think he was going to
go catch a rabbit.
HENRIETTA: That boy? Why, he never
did a day of work in his life. He’s the
laziest guitar-strumming bum this
side of the Rockies.
PETE: People change, you know. Don’t
judge too quickly.
46
HENRIETTA: Oh, now you’ve done it.
(Loudly) Henry, there’s no fire. This
man’s just trying to make soup.
HENRY: A fire in the chicken coop!
PETE: You know, good people, I could
help make soup for your fine dining
establishment.
HENRIETTA: Well, if you can get Henry
to agree to it, why I’ll chop up all these
vegetables and add them to your soup.
It’s that curse, I tell you—all he does is
give orders, and he never appreciates
anything I do. Nag, nag, nag.
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HENRY: Did I hear you say something
about dragging? Because the laundry
line is dragging in the dirt. My shirts
are probably ruined by now.
HENRIETTA: See? He’s hopeless. Absolutely hopeless. And crazy as a loon,
too. No sense in trying to talk to him.
(Flounces off)
HENRY: Who’re you calling a buffoon?
PETE (Loudly): Good evening, sir.
Might I offer to cook for your café
tonight? I got lots of experience in the
kitchen when I was a scout in the
army.
HENRY: What was that? Didn’t hear a
word you said.
PETE (Even louder): I said, I was a
scout. In the war.
HENRY: Oh, I see. Catching trout,
shooting boar. A real man’s man. Good
for you, sonny. What’s a hunter like
you doing with that pot?
PETE: Making soup.
HENRY: Never heard of any cure for the
croup that involved a cooking, but
whatever you say.
PETE: No, SOUP!
HENRY: Ah, soup. That’s my favorite
dish, you know. The Greasy Spoon’s
specialty. Our secret—shh, I’ve got to
whisper it. (PETE leans in, HENRY
keeps yelling.) Our secret ingredient is
goat cheese.
PETE: I see. Well, my stone soup is good
on its own. The best in the West, they
say.
HENRY: Well, I have a notion to prove
you wrong, sonny. You let me take that
kettle back to the Greasy Spoon, and
I’ll show you how soup is made.
MARCH 2015
PETE: I’ll take you up on that dare.
HENRY: Yes, I suppose a hare would go
well. But that fool boy Banjo won’t get
any rabbits, not a chance. He’s too loud
for ’em. Probably out there strumming
his guitar.
PETE (Helping him pick up the pot):
Isn’t it a banjo, like his name?
HENRY: No, I’m not in any pain. I may
be old, but I can still lift a cooking pot.
It’s good to feel useful for a change. My
wife Henrietta never lets me do a
blasted thing. Ever since that curse,
she thinks I’m crazy, if you can believe
it. (OLIVIA JANE enters.)
OLIVIA JANE: No, Henry, none of us
could ever believe that.
HENRY: You! Now, you just make sure
and stay away from our café, young
lady. We don’t want your type around.
(He exits.)
PETE: I apologize on his behalf. I’m
Tumbleweed Pete.
OLIVIA JANE: Olivia Jane. Local card
player who happened to make most of
her money by, well, cheating. But I’m
reformed, honest!
PETE: Could you be reformed dishon-
est?
OLIVIA JANE: Huh?
PETE: Never mind. Nice to meet you.
Yeah, I know a thing or two about
being given the cold shoulder. I came
here, actually, to get away from that.
See, in my other town, I was hated by
everyone. Well, all the men, at least.
OLIVIA JANE: Really? Why?
PETE: I just couldn’t help it. See, if any-
one ever insulted a lady—made a snide
remark about her, spit tobacco in her
47
direction, winked at her in church—I’d
challenge them to a duel. And I won
every one.
OLIVIA JANE (Smitten): Really?
PETE: That’s right. Soon, I had a bit of
a reputation for myself. But, all that’s
behind me now.
OLIVIA JANE: This is Cactus Junction.
No one listens to reason. I’m sure you
know about the curse.
PETE: Yes, I’ve been told.
OLIVIA JANE: If I were you, I’d get out
of this town just as soon as I could.
Before you’re trapped here. . .like me.
OLIVIA JANE: So, are you staying in
PETE: What’s keeping you here?
PETE: Wasn’t planning on it.
else to go. Besides, I’ve got a job cleaning the mayor’s house. It’s not much,
but it pays. And my parents live here,
and, you know, family comes first.
Cactus Junction a while, Pete?
OLIVIA JANE: Oh. (PETE begins search-
ing the ground.) What’re you looking
for?
PETE: A stone. For my stone soup. It’s
the secret ingredient, you know.
OLIVIA JANE: What are the other ingredients?
PETE: Oh, it varies. But the stone is
what really gives it flavor.
OLIVIA JANE: Here, I’ll help you.
OLIVIA JANE: I wouldn’t know where
PETE: But if you don’t like a place, you
have to move on. That’s what freedom
is all about.
OLIVIA JANE: No. Sometimes freedom
is loving someone enough to stay.
(SHERIFF enters.)
SHERIFF: Oh, talking to the local cheat,
I see, huh, Tumbleweed?
(Begins to look too)
PETE: Her name’s Olivia Jane, Sheriff.
not too dirty.
SHERIFF: That’s where you’re wrong.
People don’t change. Not around here,
anyway. (SHERIFF exits, as BANJO
walks in, whistling, holding a pan with
meat in it.)
PETE: It has to be a decent size, smooth,
OLIVIA JANE: Here! I’ve got one. (Holds
it up) That’s funny. It’s shaped kinda
like a heart.
PETE: Looks more pear-shaped to me.
It’ll do. Thanks, Olivia Jane.
OLIVIA JANE: My pleasure. (Sighs, then
turns to leave) Well, goodnight, Pete.
PETE: Wait, aren’t you coming to dinner?
OLIVIA JANE: Oh, I couldn’t do that.
Henry and Henrietta would never let
me.
PETE: I’m sure they’ll listen to reason.
48
And she’s changed.
BANJO: Well, look at me! Caught two
rabbits right off, and cleaned and fried
’em up myself. Which way to the soup
pot, Tumbleweed?
PETE: Right now, it’s at the inn, but—
(HENRY stumbles out with the pot in
one hand and a basket held between his
teeth. He tries to say something, but
mumbles.)
BANJO: What’s that?
HENRY (Setting down the pot and basPLAYS • playsmagazine.com
ket): I said, got your pot all nice and
boiled, and here’s the cheese. What,
are you all deaf?
HENRIETTA: Did you think I was doing
(Bows) If I may? (OLIVIA JANE giggles and hands him the stone, which he
drops into the pot.) Now we just let it
set.
HENRIETTA: Oh, never mind. Well, why
are you all standing there? Get that
music back. I want to dance too. (She
and HENRY dance. LORAINE enters,
holding a pan of cornbread.)
PETE: Well, stone soup needs a stone.
HENRY: And add cheese! (Puts it in)
You’ll see, sonny. You’ll have one taste
and be forced to admit that I’m right.
BANJO: Here’s the rabbit meat. (Puts it
in, looks anxiously around) Gee,
Tumbleweed, do you think Susanna’s
coming?
PETE: Once she smells this soup, she
won’t be able to stay away. Now, how
about a little music?
BANJO (Holding up banjo): Oh, I don’t
play this anymore.
PETE: Why not?
BANJO: Well, people don’t like it. And I
always try to keep everyone happy.
PETE: Nonsense. Every good stew
needs some good music. Just like back
at home when I. . .er—(Glances
around, trying to keep his stories
straight) Never mind. Play us a song!
(BANJO starts to play a jaunty tune.)
HENRY: Well, if this doesn’t remind me
of my younger days. I was nimble then.
Light on my feet—like this! (Begins to
dance. HENRIETTA enters after a
beat.)
HENRIETTA: Well, I never! Dancing
away, leaving me to do all the work of
chopping vegetables. What do you have
to say for yourself, Henry?
HENRY: This is the first time in years
you’ve talked to me without mumbling.
I knew you’d talk to me eventually.
MARCH 2015
that on purpose?
HENRY: Say what?
PETE: Loraine! Good to have you join us.
LORAINE: Well, if you all would just
keep quiet, I could enjoy my dinner in
peace, you know.
OLIVIA JANE: Ooh, cornbread! Why,
that’s my favorite. (She reaches in and
breaks off a bit.)
LORAINE (Grumbling): Sure, just go on
and take a piece without asking.
OLIVIA JANE: Delicious. And it’s still
warm.
LORAINE: Well. . .thanks, I guess.
(SUSANNA edges in, holding a few
small containers. She looks nervously
around, until BANJO notices her and
hands his banjo to LORAINE.)
BANJO: Here, Loraine, you take over.
Didn’t you used to play harmonica
back when we went to school together?
LORAINE: I didn’t think you’d remember.
BANJO: Sure I do. You were mighty
good, too. So you’ve got music in your
blood.
LORAINE: I guess I could give it a try.
It’ll probably sound terrible. (Resumes
playing. BANJO walks over to
SUSANNA.)
BANJO: Hello, Susanna.
SUSANNA: Hello.
49
BANJO: What’cha got there?
SUSANNA: Spices. For. . .for the soup.
BANJO: Well, that’s right kind of you.
I’ll bring them over to Mr. Pete. (Calls)
Say, Mr. Pete! We’ve got some fancy
spices here. Or will those drown out
the flavor of that rock of yours?
PETE: Banjo, I can promise you, it’ll
only make the taste better. (Takes
spices)
BANJO: Well, now that your hands are
free. . .want to dance?
SUSANNA: Oh, no. I couldn’t. I mean, I
can’t. I don’t know how.
BANJO: Aw, no one cares. We’re all
friends here.
SUSANNA: No we’re not. The curse,
remember?
BANJO: You know, I’ve just about had
enough of letting that so-called curse
ruin my life. I say, we learn to get
along with each other, curse or no.
And. . .that means I oughta tell you
that you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever
seen, and the sweetest too. So,
Susanna, won’t you dance with me?
SUSANNA (Taking a deep breath, nod-
ding): All right. I’ll try.
BANJO: Wahoo! (Spins SUSANNA
around) Come on, before the soup’s
done and we have to stop. (They begin
dancing.)
OLIVIA JANE: Well, it looks like everyone else has a partner.
PETE (Stirring the soup): So they do.
OLIVIA JANE: So. . .I guess I’ll just add
the vegetables, then.
PETE:
50
Thanks.
I
appreciate
it.
(LORAINE finishes the song.)
BANJO: Nice work, Loraine. You’ve got
a real musical gift. (Stuffs a piece of
cornbread in his mouth, speaks
through the crumbs) And a gift for
cooking, too.
PETE: Can I try? (Eats a piece) This is
the best cornbread I’ve ever tasted.
LORAINE: Well, that’s nothing com-
pared to the fine dancing of our lovely
couples. Henry and Henrietta, how
long have you been married?
HENRIETTA: 49 years.
HENRY: The 49ers? What’s the gold
rush got to do with anything?
SUSANNA: That was actually. . .fun. I
can’t remember the last time I had fun.
BANJO: It’ll be the first time of many, I
hope. (To PETE) How’s that stone soup
coming?
PETE: Almost done!
HENRIETTA (Shouting in excitement):
I’ll get the bowls!
HENRY: No, no, that’s no job for a
woman. Those things are heavy. Let
me do it.
HENRIETTA: Why, Henry! Thank you.
(HENRY exits, as SHERIFF runs in.)
SHERIFF: There he is! Don’t you move,
you lying scoundrel!
HENRIETTA: Sheriff? What’s going on?
LORAINE: Is he some kind of criminal
or something?
SHERIFF: No, worse. I checked his
records, found his name on file. No,
he’s not a criminal. He’s. . .a telegraph
operator.
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BANJO (After pause): And that’s. . .bad?
OLIVIA JANE: Sounds lonely.
told me he was the boss of a group of
cattle drivers.
that, folks? He was lying to you this
whole time. (HENRY enters.)
SHERIFF: Don’t you understand? He
SHERIFF: Sounds criminal. You hear
HENRIETTA: But I thought he was a
HENRY: Well, what’re we waiting for?
BANJO: You’re wrong. It’s his uncle
he’s visiting, to take over his logging
business.
SHERIFF: But—
farmer visiting his widowed sister.
LORAINE: He told me he was a cook
back East. Olivia Jane, what he’d say
to you?
OLIVIA JANE (With an accusatory
glare): That he was a hero and a man
of honor. I don’t know how I believed
that one for one second.
PETE: Now, listen, I can explain. . . .
SHERIFF: Explain why you lied to every
person in this town? And swindled
them out of their food, from what it
looks like.
BANJO: Oh, no, Sheriff, this is stone
soup. Pete made it for all of us.
SHERIFF: And what did he bring to this
little gathering?
BANJO: Um. . .the pot. . .water. . .a
stone. . .hm-m.
SHERIFF: My point exactly. He’s a
swindler and a fraud. Tumbleweed,
what’ve you got to say for yourself?
PETE: All right, I admit it. I lied. I’m
just a drifter, that’s all. Both my parents died when I was young. Worked
as a trapper in the mountains as a
teenager. I lived alone, worked the
telegraph for a while. Now I just move
from town to town, getting odd jobs
where I can. That’s why they call me
Tumbleweed Pete. I go wherever the
wind takes me.
MARCH 2015
The soup’s going to get cold.
HENRY: Oh, quit your complaining,
Sheriff. The jaywalkers can wait till
after dinner. (Fills a bowl and shoves it
at him) Now, try the soup.
SHERIFF (Taking a sip): This is—
incredible. Mind you, you still have
some explaining to do. . .after we eat.
(HENRY dishes out soup for everyone.
All make similar comments.)
OLIVIA JANE: Don’t you want some,
Pete?
PETE: Suddenly, I’m not very hungry.
SHERIFF: And it’s only right. You should
be ashamed of yourself. What have you
done for this town, except hoodwinked
us into making our own soup?
SUSANNA: He did more than that,
Sheriff. He brought us all together.
Gave us a chance. Talked to us like
real people. He’s the best thing to happen to Cactus Junction in years.
Maybe ever. (She goes back to looking
at the ground.)
BANJO: That’s my girl, Susanna!
SHERIFF: Susanna can talk?
HENRIETTA: She’s right, you know.
Why, until he showed up, Henry and I
could do nothing but fight, and we didn’t even know why.
LORAINE: And he said he was glad I
joined the party. Before he even ate
any of my cornbread.
51
BANJO: And he helped me get enough
courage to talk to Susanna.
HENRY: And treated me like I wasn’t
crazy.
OLIVIA JANE: And believed that people
can change.
SHERIFF: Well, I. . .but what about the
curse? You’re making this sound like
we can just choose to be friends with
each other.
BANJO: That’s right. We can. And don’t
you go and take that away from us,
Sheriff.
OLIVIA JANE: Except Pete’s moving on.
Wouldn’t want to stay in some podunk,
cursed little outpost in the middle of
nowhere.
PETE: I was.
LORAINE: Meaning. . .you changed your
on the back) Do us all a favor—do
something mildly criminal every now
and then just to keep him on his toes.
(LORAINE exits.)
HENRY: Well, Henrietta and I have
dishes to do. Thanks for dinner—and
give us the recipe, would you? (HENRY
and HENRIETTA exit, carrying the
empty bowls.)
BANJO: What do you say, Susanna?
Want to get some dessert at the Greasy
Spoon?
SUSANNA: I’d love to. (They exit.)
OLIVIA JANE: Well, it’s just us, then.
PETE: Uh. . .thanks for defending me. I
didn’t really deserve it.
OLIVIA JANE: Nope. You sure didn’t.
(Looks at the pot) Stone soup, huh? I
take it that was a lie too.
I don’t get arrested.
PETE: Not much of one. People always
make the best out of what they have.
That’s how you make stone soup. And
there is a secret ingredient.
now. But I’ll be keeping an eye on you.
(He exits.)
PETE (Pulling out the stone): Love. It’s
mind?
PETE (Looking at SHERIFF): Provided
SHERIFF: Well, I guess I’ll hold off for
LORAINE: Maybe that’ll be enough to
keep him from pacing up and down
Main Street all the time. (Slaps PETE
OLIVIA JANE: What’s that?
what brings people together. And
sometimes, it’s what makes them stay.
(Curtain)
THE END
Stone Soup
PRODUCTION NOTES
CHARACTERS: 4 male, 4 female.
PLAYING TIME: 30 minutes.
COSTUMES: Traditional Western dress.
The Sheriff has a holster with a gun.
PROPERTIES: Large pot, old suitcase,
banjo, small packages wrapped in
brown paper, vegetables (including
52
carrots), heart-shaped stone, pan with
meat in it, pan of cornbread, bottles of
spices, bowls, ladle.
SETTING: Main Street, the Wild West.
There is a water pump at left.
LIGHTING: No special effects.
SOUND: Banjo music.
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Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law.
Only current subscribers may use
this play (www.playsmagazine.com).
Middle Grades
Zadig the Observant
Keen observations and insightful reasoning help a
young peasant win a place in the royal court.
Adapted from a story by Voltaire by Margaret Hall
Characters
ZADIG, a young man
KING MOABDAR
QUEEN
TWO SERVANTS
CHIEF HUNTER
ASSISTANT HUNTER
PAGES
MESSENGER
SCENE 1
TIME: Centuries ago.
SETTING: Babylon; a forest clearing.
AT RISE: ZADIG enters, crosses stage.
TWO SERVANTS enter right and walk
rapidly up and down as if looking for
something.
1ST SERVANT: Do you think it went
that way?
2ND SERVANT: Let’s try looking over
here. (ZADIG looks on with interest.)
1ST SERVANT: Why don’t we search in
the woods again?
MARCH 2015
2ND SERVANT: We’ll have to find it, or
Her Majesty will have us by the hair.
1ST SERVANT: She will be sure to pun-
ish us.
ZADIG (Approaching SERVANTS):
Excuse me. You are obviously searching for some object of great value. Can
I be of any assistance?
2ND SERVANT: We are servants of the
king and queen. The queen’s dog is
missing, and we are looking for it.
Have you seen it?
ZADIG: The queen has lost her dog, you
say? Well, is the dog a small spaniel?
2ND SERVANT (Eagerly): Yes!
ZADIG: And does this dog limp a little
with the left forefoot, and does it have
very long ears?
1ST SERVANT: Why, yes, that is an
exact description of the dog. (Eagerly)
Then you have seen him. Tell us where
you found him.
ZADIG: No, sir, I have not seen him at
all. I did not even know that our good
queen had a dog. I’m sorry it is lost.
53
1ST SERVANT: Didn’t see him? Then
how do you know what he looks like?
(Clumping sound is heard offstage,
and CHIEF HUNTER enters right, followed by ASSISTANT HUNTER.)
CHIEF: Why are you all out here in the
forest? You should be out on the plains
of Babylon, looking for the king’s
horse.
2ND SERVANT: The king’s horse? Has
that also run away from the palace
yards?
CHIEF: Yes, it has, and it is most seri-
ous. The finest horse in the royal stable
escaped from his keeper and galloped
away across the plains.
ASSISTANT: All the officers have run off
in search of him, but he cannot be
located. We must find him or lose our
positions. The king will be so angry if
we are unsuccessful.
CHIEF (To ZADIG): You are not from
the palace, but you must live nearby.
Did you see the king’s horse pass this
way?
ZADIG: Is this horse the swiftest one in
the royal stable?
CHIEF: Yes, it is the very fastest one we
have. You must have seen him running
past.
ZADIG: Is he about five feet high, and
are his hoofs very small?
ASSISTANT: Yes! Exactly right.
CHIEF: That is Akbar. Is he far away?
ZADIG: Let me make sure about anoth-
er point. Are his shoes made of silver,
and are the rings of the bit made from
pure gold?
CHIEF: That is all true. Which way did
he go?
54
ZADIG (Shrugging): I confess I have no
idea where he went. I have not seen
him. And to tell the perfect truth, I
never heard of the king’s horse before.
I am sure the king must own many
horses, but I had not heard that one of
them was missing.
ASSISTANT (Puzzled): Then how did
you know how to describe him?
CHIEF: I understand what happened.
This young man has stolen the horse
and wants to keep it for himself.
1ST SERVANT: I can believe that. He
must have taken the queen’s dog also,
for he told every detail about him.
2ND SERVANT: Of course that is what
happened. He saw both runaways and
knew what fine specimens they were.
Naturally he stole both of the animals
for his own use.
ASSISTANT: Or else he may want to
hold them for ransom, hoping the king
or queen will offer rich rewards to
return them.
ZADIG (Indignantly): That is not true! I
did not steal anything, and I never saw
either one of the beasts.
CHIEF: You are the guilty one! We are
putting you under arrest and you will
have to go to prison.
ZADIG: But I am innocent! (With mut-
terings and accusation, CHIEF,
ASSISTANT, and SERVANTS lay
hands on ZADIG. CHIEF takes off belt
and starts to tie ZADIG’s hands together. Trumpet blare is heard, surprising
all on stage.)
ASSISTANT: Hark! That trumpet call
announces the coming of the king!
CHIEF (Rushing right and peering off):
It is the king and queen! They have left
their horses and are heading this way!
PLAYS • playsmagazine.com
2ND SERVANT (To ZADIG): Well,
young man, now you can explain to the
king and queen how you happen to
know so much about the horse and dog.
(KING MOABDAR and QUEEN enter
right, followed by PAGES. Others kneel
before them.)
KING: We heard a good many quarrel-
ing voices over here as we were riding
by. We should like to know what all the
disturbance is about.
QUEEN: We heard people calling out,
“You are guilty!” and “I am innocent!”
Let us find out where true justice lies.
CHIEF: Your Majesties, this man claims
that he did not see your missing dog
and runaway horse. But he can tell us
everything about them. And if he has
not stolen them, why can’t we find
them? We have been searching for
hours.
QUEEN: He looks like an honest young
man. Perhaps he really is innocent.
KING: I am interested to learn how he
managed to identify the animals. Will
you explain what happened, young fellow? I don’t know your name, but I
shall permit you to speak. (ZADIG
bows before KING and QUEEN.)
ZADIG: I am called Zadig, and the truth
of the matter is as follows. I have never
seen the queen’s fine spaniel, nor the
king’s sacred swift horse. But before I
met the queen’s servants, I was walking in a sandy place. On the sand I
noticed the tracks of an animal and
saw at once that they were made by a
little dog.
KING: You are well acquainted with
animal tracks and prints, I assume.
ZADIG: Yes, sire, I have studied them.
On either side of the track were light
lines, where the sand had been softly
brushed. This showed that the dog
MARCH 2015
must have long ears which touched the
sand.
QUEEN: That is true. My little Yussuf
does have long ears. What else did you
notice, Zadig?
ZADIG: Well, the prints made by one of
his paws were lighter than the other
three tracks. This told me at once that
our noble queen’s spaniel was a bit
lame in one of his front paws.
QUEEN (Surprised): You noticed all
that? Yes, poor Yussuf does have a sore
paw at present, but it will soon be well.
KING: You are clever, Zadig. But I still
want to know how you could identify
Akbar.
ZADIG: With regard to the horse, Your
Majesty, you will be glad to know that
I saw the marks of a horse’s shoes
while walking in the lanes of this
wood. The marks were all the same
distance apart. So it was obviously a
horse that trots fast and evenly.
KING: That is true. Akbar is our
swiftest horse. But what else did you
notice? This is becoming fascinating.
ZADIG: As to the bit he wore, he had
rubbed its edges against a stone while
eating grass beside the path. I saw
that it was a mark of pure gold metal.
And I knew his shoes must have been
made of silver, for a bit of the bright
silver was rubbed off where they
touched the rough stones on the path.
QUEEN: I am astonished! Your descriptions are quite perfect, though you
never actually saw Akbar. You show a
sharp wit as well as great learning.
ZADIG (Humbly): When a man is poor,
my lady, he must develop what wits he
has, to keep himself alive. And any
learning I have comes from my own
observation of the small things I see.
55
Much can be learned merely by studying plants and grains of sand and other
simple things all around us.
KING: The wisest men of all the ages
have discovered this truth, Zadig. But
I do not wish you to continue as a poor
boy. I want you to come to my court for
a few days, and you shall be presented
with rich gifts before you leave. (MESSENGER runs in right.)
MESSENGER (Panting): Oh, Your
Majesties, I am sent to tell you that the
dog and the horse have just returned to
the palace. They were found by the
keeper of the kennels.
QUEEN: Oh, joy! Moabdar, my dear,
they have been found!
KING (Happily): Let us return at once.
And you servants of mine, try to develop your powers of observation as well
as Zadig has, and make no more accusations against honest men. (Quick
curtain)
THE END
Zadig the Observant
CHARACTERS: 2 male; 1 female; 6 male
or female.
PLAYING TIME: 10 minutes.
COSTUMES: King and Queen, royal
attire. Servants and Hunters, roomy
short-sleeved shirts, baggy trousers,
sandals. They wear turbans or fezzes.
Pages and Messenger, traditional
medieval garb and small hats with
long feathers. Zadig, simple tunic,
trousers with wide belt, and sandals.
PROPERTIES: Scepter for King.
SETTING: Small forest glade with background of trees, if desired.
LIGHTING: No special effects.
SOUND: Clumping noises; trumpet call.
PRODUCTION NOTES
56
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may use this play
(www.playsmagazine.com).
Radio Play (Middle Grades)
The Singing Bone
Brothers battle a wild boar to win the
hand of a princess. . . .
by Bruce Berger
Characters
LANCE: The beastly brute has struck
NARRATOR
again.
KING NEWTON
LANCE: It hit the southern slopes of fig
trees and leveled all livestock in its
path of destruction.
ARTEMIS
ANDY
LANCE, the Captain of the Guard
HOMER HORNSMAN
PRINCESS PRISSY MARIE
NARRATOR: Once upon a time, a peace-
ful land was thrown into the deepest
depths of despair by a wicked woolly
wild boar. With reckless disregard, the
enormous beast attacked workers in
the field, crushed cattle, and shredded
sheep with its terrible tusks. The desperate King of the country pledged rich
rewards to any stalwart soul who
would rid his kingdom of the calamity.
LANCE: King Newton.
KING NEWTON: Yes, my Captain of the
guard?
MARCH 2015
KING: Oh no! Where this time?
KING: Blast that beast! We need that
crop of figs for our cookie production.
Lance, can no one stop it?
LANCE: Your Highness, we pursued it
to the edge of the Woesome Woods, but
none of my guard would venture into
that fearful forest.
KING: Hasn’t anyone come forth from
the masses to accept my promised
prize of fame and fortune for the wild
boar bounty?
LANCE: Not a soul, sire. That brazen
boar fans the flame of fear in their
hearts, leaving them trembling in terror.
KING: Then I must up the ante! We
need to offer something on a grander
scale. Where is my darling daughter?
57
LANCE: I shall summon her, Your
Majesty. (Calling off) Bring Princess
Prissy Marie to the King’s Chambers.
PRISSY MARIE: Here I am, Father.
KING: Ah, my pretty Prissy! My dear,
something awful has happened. A
wicked wild boar has invaded our land.
PRISSY: Uncle Walter has come to visit
again? His tedious tales really bore me
to tears.
KING: No, not that kind of a bore. This
is a ferocious beastly boar attacking
our crops, livestock, and poor peasants.
PRISSY: Oh, my! Is there no hope in
sight?
KING: I have offered a hefty bounty for
a brave soul to slay the beast, but no
prize seems to attract a wanted warrior.
PRISSY: Oh, Father, maybe if you
offered a grander gift.
KING: My darling, you read my mind. I
was contemplating an offer of heir to
the kingdom (Pause) and the hand of
the most precious prize we possess.
PRISSY (Reluctantly): The castle cook?
KING: I was thinking of a more delicate
hand.
PRISSY (Weakly): Mine?
KING: Yes, my child. No hand is finer.
PRISSY: I’d better wash it, then.
KING: Thank you, sweet Prissy. You
are the heart and sovereign soul of our
kingdom. Your mother would have
been very proud of your devotion.
NARRATOR: A proclamation was issued
throughout the land announcing the
58
promise of pretty Prissy Marie as a
bride and heir to the throne for defeating the wicked wild boar. Hordes of
hopeful hunters filed past, seeking the
approval of King Newton and his
daughter. In the final analysis, two
brave brothers rose from the ranks,
receiving the nod to tackle the task.
KING: What are your names, my lads?
ARTEMIS: I am Artemis, an expert in
all weapons of war. Never beaten in
battle! Would you like to see my countless medals and badges of courage?
PRISSY: No, thanks. We’ll take your
word for it. Who’s your cute companion?
ARTEMIS: Oh, this is my brother, Andy.
ANDY: Hello, fair Princess. It is an
honor to meet you.
KING: And what are your qualifications
to succeed in this daring deed?
ANDY: Well, Your Sireship, I was never
no great shakes in knight school like
my brother, but I know the forest real
good. There’s no leaf I don’t got a good
handle on.
PRISSY: Shakes? Good handle on
leaves? I don’t quite understand.
ANDY: I mean I weren’t too smart in
learning lessons, but I grew up respecting all the trees, bushes, and plants in
the woods. Lots of leaves are right
tasty and have healing help if you’re
ailing.
KING: Well, I’d say you two comple-
ment each other quite well. I grant you
the commission of conquering our
calamity. Good luck, my fine fellows.
ARTEMIS: Rest assured, Your Majesty,
I shall bag the beast by dawn!
ANDY: I’ll do my best, my kind King.
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PRISSY: Take care, guys!
NARRATOR: On the advice of the
Captain of the Guard, the two brave
boys entered the Woesome Woods from
different sides. Coming from the north,
the vain and conceited Artemis soon
found a friendly festival and joined in
the merriment. The cautious and conscientious Andy carefully crept into the
Woods from the south and came upon
an odd little man doubled over in pain.
ANDY: Hey, little guy, are you all right?
HORNSMAN (Moaning in agony): Oh,
my stomach! I was practicing playing
my horn and took a break to eat some
of these sweet strawberries.
ANDY: I’m sorry to spoil your day,
ty Princess Prissy Marie.
HORNSMAN: Well then, I will play my
horn at your wedding, good lad. But let
me give you some advice. Don’t confront
the brazen boar when you encounter it,
and brandish no sword or spear. Let the
crafty creature charge at you.
ANDY: That sounds a little risky.
HORNSMAN: Not at all. The boar feeds
on fear. If you hold fast this sturdy
staff, the arrogant assassin will impale
itself upon the bold branch.
ANDY: Thank you, my good man. When
next we meet, I hope to hear your
heartfelt horn at my wedding.
ANDY: Here. Chew on this leaf. It will
NARRATOR: With staff in hand, the
adventurous Andy entered the frightening forest. Searching the shrubs
granted him no success. Wearily he sat
on a stump to grab some rest.
Suddenly, a ferocious figure came
crashing through the brush. (Frightful
screeching sound is heard.)
HORNSMAN (Chewing): Mm-m! Minty.
monster!
friend, but those weren’t strawberries.
They’re scarlet snakeburners.
HORNSMAN: Never heard of them.
Oooo! That pain is so sharp.
soothe your stinging stomach.
ANDY: Keep chewing and roll it around
your mouth awhile. What’s your name?
HORNSMAN: I’m Homer Hornsman,
official soloist for the social events of
King Newton.
ANDY: Feeling better?
HORNSMAN: Why, yes! Those leaves
calmed my stormy stomach. Thank
you, my fine fellow. What are you
doing in this neck of the woods? Don’t
you know there is a terrifying tyrannical wild boar afoot?
ANDY: I am aware of its presence. I’m
fixin’ to cause its absence. I’ll slay that
savage beast, bring it back to King
Newton, and marry the perfectly pretMARCH 2015
ANDY: Holy moly, it’s the menacing
NARRATOR: Thrusting itself at the anx-
ious Andy, the snarling savage beast
sought to tear him to pieces with its
terrible tusks. The lanky lad extended
the staff and held it steadfast, to the
doom of the demon. (Howling is heard)
ANDY: I did it! If only my friends could
see me now! I gotta show Artemis and
tell him I bagged the beast.
NARRATOR: The elated lad hoisted the
boar on his back and hurried to find his
brother. The sounds of merriment
drew Andy to an open glen, where
Artemis was engaged in a hardy stage
of party. (Sound of laughter)
ANDY: Artemis, what are you doing
here? Is this another family gathering
59
where I was left off the guest list?
ARTEMIS: Oh, no no, little brother. Just
stopping for directions. What’s that
you have there?
ANDY: Artemis, I have beaten the boar!
ARTEMIS: No way! Hey, wait a minute.
Are you sure this is the bonafide boar?
It looks more like a shrimp in short
shorts.
ANDY: Shrimp? Looks pretty sizable to
me.
ARTEMIS: Hold your horses right there.
These friendly folks have directed me
to the genuine article. Follow me. It’s
trapped in a dried-up well.
ANDY: Way over there? That’s not even
part of the Woesome Woods!
ARTEMIS (From a distance): Andy,
come over here and take a gander at
this critter stuck in the dried-up well. I
believe you’ll find the real deal.
ANDY: Down there? I don’t see nothing.
ARTEMIS: Why not take a closer look!
ANDY: Ah-h-h-h-h!
ARTEMIS: How’s the weather down
there, Andrew! (Laughs nastily)
ANDY: Hey, there ain’t no boar in here!
Get me outa here!
ARTEMIS: I think you’ll be a fine fit
there while I take the wild boar back
and collect the grand prize.
ANDY: Dirty pool!
NARRATOR: After the dastardly deed
was done, the deceitful Artemis
returned to the castle with the woolly
wild boar to collect the reward.
60
LANCE: Announcing the return of
Artemis, Your Majesty.
KING: So you’ve saved our kingdom, my
courageous fellow. What a mammoth
monster! How did you manage the mission?
ARTEMIS: I don’t like to brag. (PRISSY
snorts.) Let’s just say this beast put up
a frightful row before I wrestled him
down. With terrible tearing tusks and
snarling fangs—
PRISSY (Interrupting): I thought you didn’t want to brag. Is your brother safe?
ARTEMIS: Andy? He’s long gone. He left
for a leaf convention in Lansing! He
has little stomach for struggles.
KING: We must celebrate your victory
with a feast—a Feast of the Beast! A
boar barbeque would be best. And then
tomorrow you shall have the hand of
my precious Princess Prissy Marie!
PRISSY (Sarcastically): Yippee.
HORNSMAN: King Newton, may I have
the boar’s tusks? I could forge them
into fine horns to play at the party.
KING: Help yourself, Homer. Your mar-
velous music shall truly top off the day.
NARRATOR: The castle cook outdid herself in preparing a savory supper as
Homer the Hornsman molded incredible instruments from the two tusks.
The polished pieces brought praise
from all at the boar banquet.
KING: Those are handsome horns,
Homer. Will you favor us with a sweet
serenade?
HORNSMAN: I’d be honored, Your
Highness.
NARRATOR: But as the horn was
brought to Homer’s lips to blow, no
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tune was turned. Instead, with wonder
and amazement, a song was delivered.
HORN’S SONG:
Oh, sad is the song I bring to you all
Treachery and deception caused the
fall.
Andy was the true hero of the day
Artemis tried to sweep his brother
away.
The boar was downed by Andy’s hand
And now trapped is he in a waterless
land.
KING: What is that we hear? Have you
lied to us?
ARTEMIS: Hey, hornblower. Play the
other horn.
HORN’S SONG:
It is he that deserves all rewards you sell
Rescue poor Andy at the bottom of the
well.
PRISSY: But where’s the well?
HORN’S SONG:
Just out of the woods between the river
and dell.
KING: Call out the guard and save the
lad. And put his brother in a cell.
NARRATOR: Andrew was rescued and
brought back before the King and
Princess just in time for dessert.
KING: And for your backstabbing
brother, a slow painful execution.
ARTEMIS: Ouch!
ANDY: Wait, good King, I beg you to
pardon him.
PRISSY: I beg your pardon?
ANDY: No, beg his. I don’t want his
death to haunt our honeymoon.
PRISSY (Shyly): Oh, Andrew.
ANDY: Besides, blood is thicker than
water.
ARTEMIS: And I’d like to keep mine!
KING: But Artemis must be punished
for his boarish behavior and betrayal.
PRISSY: I have a suggestion, Father.
Why not send him to Uncle Walter?
KING: Uncle Walter?
PRISSY: Yes, he always wanted a scribe
for recording all his tedious timeless
travel tales. Listening to them would
be a fate worse than death!
KING: So let it be written...so let it be
done! Captain Lance, take the guard
and escort the prisoner to King
Walter’s Castle.
KING: So it was you who defeated the
ARTEMIS: No!
ANDY: Yes, Your Majesty.
PRISSY: Yea!
tackle yet another bore. He served as
scribe for many years and was bored to
many tears. Princess Prissy Marie and
Prince Andrew were wed and lived in
pure happiness beyond compare. King
Newton’s Kingdom flourished in peace
and prosperity, never to be bothered by
a boar again.
MARCH 2015
61
beast?
KING: Then it is you who will be the
heir to my throne and have earned the
hand of Princess Prissy Marie.
Welcome, my son!
NARRATOR: Artemis was sent to try to
THE END
Pantomime (All Grades)
Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law.
Only current subscribers may use
this play (www.playsmagazine.com).
The Leak
An inventive one-person play in which mime works to
plug that darned water leak. . . .
by Danni Robb and Michael Sturko
This is a pantomime with only one
character, wearing a black T-shirt and
black pants. “He” is used throughout,
though of course the part may be played
by a female. The setting consists of a
bare stage, and all properties mentioned
are imaginary. The variety of sound
effects throughout are handled by the
production crew offstage.
MIME enters, carrying an unseen
newspaper under one arm. He sits
cross-legged on the floor and pulls newspaper out from under his arm. He pantomimes unfolding the newspaper, then
reading it. After a few moments, the
sound of water dripping is heard. It is
quiet at first, but eventually it increases in volume. MIME looks up from his
paper, then turns the page and tries to
concentrate on it. After a few seconds,
he angrily slams the paper together,
folds it, and puts it on the floor. He
starts to rise. The dripping stops. MIME
stays in position for a second, sheepishly looks around, then sits again, picks
up the paper, and opens it.
The dripping begins again. MIME
stares straight ahead as he slowly lowers the paper. He puts the paper on the
62
floor, and starts to rise again, when the
dripping stops. He strokes chin as if in
thought, then gets up and walks to the
side of stage from which dripping was
heard. He takes a cautious look around,
then shrugs his shoulders and starts to
return to his paper. After taking a couple of steps, he reacts, startled, as if a
large drop of water has landed on his
head and, at the same time, a resounding plop is heard. He looks up and
reacts as another drop of water lands in
his eye. Disgusted, he steps back and
looks up. He sees the leak. The dripping
continues at a steady rate. MIME looks
at the floor and again at the ceiling,
thoughtfully.
Confidently, he places one cupped
hand under the drip. Within a few seconds, however, a worried look crosses
his face. He cups both hands together
beneath the leak. For a moment he
appears satisfied, then he looks around
as if searching for something. His
expression becomes desperate. Then he
appears to have a sudden inspiration,
and drinks the water in his hands, and
cups them once again beneath the leak.
Soon, he is forced to do this again. The
speed of the dripping increases, and he
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begins to cup his hands and drink more
and more rapidly. When he can’t drink
another drop, he tosses the last handful
over his shoulder. The sound of the
dripping slows down to its original slow
pace. MIME appears exasperated.
Suddenly he brightens and, as if
struck by an idea, places his index finger in the air and exits left. The noise of
heavy objects being moved is heard offstage, then MIME reenters, carrying an
unseen pail. He looks smugly at the
leak and places the imaginary pail
directly beneath it. The sound changes
to that of water hitting metal. Satisfied, MIME starts toward his paper. As
he does, the rate of the dripping begins
to increase so that within a few seconds
it sounds like a steady stream of water.
MIME rushes back and stares at the
pail in disbelief. He picks it up and
turns to walk away in order to empty it.
Almost immediately the speed of the
water is reduced to a slow drip. MIME
stops in his tracks and slowly looks
back at the leak, then at his pail. He
quietly tiptoes back and puts the pail
under the leak. Immediately, the sound
of a steady stream of water is heard. He
draws back quickly. The slow drip
resumes. MIME repeats the action,
with the same results. He tries once
more, only this time he passes the pail
quickly under the leak from one side to
the other. The water rushes for a
moment as the pail passes beneath. He
sighs heavily. He gives the leak a disgusted look out of the corner of his eye.
He stares at it for a second. Then, he
begins to smile. With a sly expression,
he exits, carrying the pail. Crashing
and banging are heard offstage. He reenters a few moments later, carrying an
imaginary stepladder. With a great
deal of difficult juggling, fumbling and
loss of balance, he places the imaginary
stepladder next to the leak. He pantomimes climbing several rungs, and,
resting against the stepladder, pulls an
imaginary piece of gum from his pocket,
unwraps it and nonchalantly pops it
MARCH 2015
into his mouth. With a debonair gesture, he tucks the wrapper into his shirt
pocket. He chews gum slowly, thoroughly enjoying every bite.
After a few moments he pulls an end
of it out of his mouth. Unsatisfied, he
returns gum to his mouth and chews it
a few times more. With an innocent
look, he takes the gum from his mouth,
begins to whistle, and, without any
warning, presses the gum up into the
leak. The dripping stops. Smiling,
MIME climbs back down the stepladder, looks once more at the leak, and,
silently chuckling to himself, picks up
the stepladder, puts it under his arm,
and starts to exit. He is nearly offstage
when a very quiet pop is heard, followed
by the sound of the drip. MIME jumps
and drops the stepladder on his foot. A
clattering noise is heard. He hops
around, holding the injured foot in one
hand and clenching the other in a fist,
which he shakes at the leak.
Filled with determination, he picks
up the stepladder, puts it in the previous position, and stalks offstage. Again
the sound of objects being dragged is
heard. MIME reenters, carrying an
imaginary bottle in one hand, which he
shakes vigorously at the leak. He then
grabs the bottle with his other hand
and makes a twisting motion, attempting to remove the cork from the bottle.
The cork does not budge. He braces the
bottle between his legs. As the cork
loosens, a squeak is heard, followed by
a popping sound.
Without a second look, MIME tosses
the bottle away. A crash is heard offstage. With a frenzied look, MIME pantomimes racing up the stepladder. Then
he smiles evilly, and begins to twist the
cork into the leak, which stops. He
appears triumphant. Popping sound is
heard almost immediately and the dripping resumes. MIME pulls at his hair in
rage and leaps off stepladder, staggering backwards a few steps to recover
63
from the fall. He finds the cork, clenches it in his teeth, climbs the stepladder
quickly, and jams the cork into place.
He begins to pound it with his fist. Then
he starts using both fists. Soon he is
banging indiscriminately at the ceiling.
A creaking sound is heard.
MIME disregards this and continues
to pound. The creaking increases, then
the sound of a loud crack is heard.
MIME falls onto floor. There is a loud
rumble and then a crash as the ceiling
falls. The sound of rushing water is
heard. Then there is silence. MIME sits
up with difficulty. He dusts off the rubble that has landed on him. He rubs his
head. It is quiet for a few moments.
Then.... drip....drip....drip. MIME falls
back, fainting. (Curtain)
THE END
Pygmalion
(Play on pages 2-10)
PRODUCTION NOTES
CHARACTERS: 5 female, 4 male.
PLAYING TIME: 20 minutes.
COSTUMES: Ancient Greek chitons
(belted tunics—short for male, long for
female) and sandals for all. Himations
(like togas) can be worn to add color to
both male and female characters.
Aphrodite should be the only character
in pure white with gold trimming.
PROPERTIES: Whittling knife and piece
of wood; 2 single roses on stems; small
platform on wheels with chair or stool
on top; sheet large enough to cover
Galatea; cell phone; pair of sandals.
SETTING: Ancient Greece. A few benches here and there and perhaps a pillar
or two to suggest the location.
LIGHTING: No special effects.
SOUND: Cymbals crashing; thunder, as
indicated in script.
The Pardoner’s Tale
(Play on pages 23-28)
CHARACTERS: 2 male, 1 female, 5 male
or female.
PLAYING TIME: 20 minutes.
COSTUMES: Late medieval dress. A long
robe for Chaucer. Apothecary wears
long-sleeved, flowing shirt, and his legs
are wrapped in burlap rags. Thieves
wear patched pants, worn shirts, and
ragged coats, jackets, and vests; 2nd
Thief carries dagger. Tavern Maid
wears long dress with large white
apron. Old Man resembles Father
Time—he is bent, dressed in long robes,
with beard and long hair hanging
64
almost to his waist.
PROPERTIES: Sheets of paper on which
pardons are written, rolled up into
scrolls and tied; three bags of poison;
several coins, two plastic bottles.
SETTING: The stage is empty except for
a cardboard cut-out of a gnarled old tree
which stands back, center, with three
baskets under it, and a bench down
right. Tavern is suggested by three rustic stools and a small table.
LIGHTING: No special effects.
SOUND: Tolling of church bell, as indicated in text.
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