Front Page
Vol. LVI
1
The Mallet Assembly, University of Alabama
April 4th, 2016
eHarmony Takes Advantage of Zootopia’s Popularity, Launches New Site
Written by Katharine Conaway
In the weeks following the release of the universally lauded
film Zootopia, the online dating website eHarmony has designed and
launched a new website called aHarmony, a dating service for pets.
“Woof! Woof! Woof!” yipped a terrier mix when our reporter
ben over to greet him. “Woof,” he yipped once more, giving our reporter a friendly lick on the face before bouncing over to the lady he
had met on the website, a feline with long black hair that probably
gets on everything. The feline in question looked very unbothered, if
not outright bored, by the dog’s raucous nature. Her eyes blinked
slowly, in the manner of one who is sleepy but content not to fall
Meet Jack the Koala
asleep, her serenity undisturbed by the dog. When questioned about
her experience using aHarmony, her only response was to yawn and start cleaning herself.
The pet owners, both young women, had a little more to say about the actual website. The dog’s owner,
Ashley, said “Oscar was very excited about the whole thing. He actually sat still in my lap while I filled out
the profile for him, him barking all of his answers for me to type in.”
The car owner said of her pet, “Sylvia’s main contribution to the process was to walk over the keyboard while we were filling in her profile. I think Oscar liked those responses. Ashley certainly did. All in all,
everyone is very happy to have met each other.”
aHarmony can already boast many such successes, although a few pet owners have criticized the website for not having option for non-mammalian pets. aHarmony has said they will rectify that and other problems in the next version of the site, due to be released in a couple of months.
M
Main Stories– pg. 2-3
allet Assembly
CONTENT:
Picture Funtime— pg. 4-5
Announcements— pg. 6-7
Main Stories
2
Written by Katharine Conaway
“I see you have managed to find my hideout. It took you long enough.”
I looked up and saw a thinly built man rising from the box in the corner of the room by the piano. He
was tall but looked as if he could have been easily blown over by the wind, with long hair that had several
strands of white it in. “Long enough?” I asked. “Have you been waiting for us?”
“I’ve been watching you for awhile, but I’m not about to give you my whole life story. Instead, I’m
going to kill you.” He whistled and I heard the rush of air as a projectile knife once more sailed towards me
and The Violinist. I prepared to duck again, but the Violinist was ahead of me and had already pulled out her
whip. Gracefully, she struck the knife out of the air and began a new gesture, presumably to go after the projector.
I tightened my grip and leapt towards the Purse Snatcher, but several projectiles, all of the sharp variety, came flying at me from different corners of the ceiling, distracting me long enough for him to jump out o
his box and start crossing the room. I saw where he was going and beat him to it, planting myself securely in
front of the door that led to the rest of Moody. He shrugged, then backtracked and jumped down into the tunnel.
I was about to follow him when a high pitched tune floated up from the tunnel and the lid to the top of
the piano opened and dozens of pointy utensils and smaller objects such as sewing needles rose out of the piano and rotated to point towards me. I froze; there were way too many to dodge.
“Don’t worry about them,” The Violinist said, starting to sweep her whip around. “I can handle all of
them.” I nodded and dropped down into the tunnel.
It was pitch, but I could hear his running footsteps despite the soft earthen floor. I sprinted after him,
making no attempt to sneak up on him. His whistling, which had fallen silent, rose up again, and, instinctively,
I ducked, the moving object passing over my head. I heard him catch the object firmly in his hand and, now
knowing his exact location, brought my baton down only to have something else block it.
Quickly, I disengaged and attacked again and again, landing several blows and (embarrassingly) receiving a few myself, until, with one fateful kick, I swept his feet out from under him. He landed with a thud. I
pinned him down to the ground and covered his mouth with my hand while I used the other to tear a piece of
my shirt off to gag him with.
The Violinist rejoined me shortly. Together, we towed him outside and tied him to a tree, double and
triple checking that he could not speak or make any other noises with his mouth. We called the police and
waited in the bushes as they came and took him away.
You can read the rest of our newsletter at
http://www.mallet-assembly.org/index.php?title=The_Return_of_the_Avenging_Crusader
Main Stories
3
Brian Kraus
Dear S., Brian and A.,
I caught your show briefly with A. on March 1. I liked it. I called and talked to A. I asked her if she encountered Creekwater"
yet. No. So I tasked her with a "search" and said I'd try to "reach" her later.
That was before I looked up your show.
Well, I now see you spinners traveling the cloisters of the Emerald City aren't making it easy to trace the source of your
waves, but I haven't given up.
There is a reason why Mark calls himself "Creekwater".
There is a reason why he spent the blizzard beneath at piece of plastic only a few hundred yards from Fine Hall and came out
to shovel snow for cash.
There is no explanation for how or why I started up a chat with him on his first day in Princeton January 3, 2015 in the Princeton Public Library after which he said he "walked from Arizona".
There is a good probability he was telling the truth that he spent the night before where Stony Brook meets "The Kings Highway". Where, as I informed him was very close to the spot and time of year when Mercer was shot and so began the great battle at the grounds of the IAS more than two centuries ago.
I need your help. Since that day the story gets longer and longer and now I'm so far caught up in it I would like to pass on
some of this to you.
Please, please put him on your show.
Now I see WPRB makes the claim that they make GREAT RADIO.
I've been on the planet long enough to have heard such claims of "positive thinking", Like Steven Holl saying the Arts and
Transit Hub is his "best work ever" and Wim Wenders claiming "Paris, Texas" is his "best work ever". I have a different opinion about all that. But I did like what i heard on March 1st. It made a "connection". And I do remember the studio when they
played all the music you couldn't hear on the radio before it got to Woodstock.
I'll make it easy for you if you need clarification about the man I am talking about and maybe you will see why I've composed
this message and if you are at all curious about the person you may have seen recycling garbage on campus and dumpster diving at his favorite spot the PU store on Alexander. He has another side to him.
He's got a great talent with a piece of chalk.
https://vimeo.com/He is leaving for Ithaca soon. Get him while you can. It's easy, give him a day or two notice for anything to look forward to.
HE WILL BE THERE.
Worked for his encounter with Freeman Dyson last week.
Now if all of this is TMI, that's ok. I won't give up.
Best,
RV Winkle,
IAS Without Walls
609 ### ####
Picture Funtime
4
This Week’s Funtime: Living Legacy Panel
Pictures from Jessi Simmons
Blurb by Katharine Conaway
On March 24th, Mallet held the Living Legacy Panel on the subject of diversity in SGA. Our panelists, all notable, include d Cleo Thomas, Elliot Spillers, Shelby Norman, Fred Horn, and Steven Becton. It was an incredibly interesting panel. Thank you to everyone who came out.
From left to right: Shelby Norman, Steven Becton, Fred
Horn, Elliot Spillers, and Cleo Thomas.
Elliot Spillers
Cleo Thomas, first black SGA president at UA
Moderator Jack Bernardi and panelist Shelby Norman
Picture Funtime
5
This Week’s Funtime Pat 2: Mallet Open Mic Night
Pictures from Jessi Simmons
Blurb by Katharine Conaway
Friday, March 26th was Mallet’s Open Mic night. Joined by Creative Campus, it was primarily a night of music.
Please join us on April 15th for the last Open Mic of the semester.
Alexis Unger, spellbinding us with guitaring and singing
Theo Monk, reading Daredevil fanfiction written in the hour
before his performance
Brandon Izor and Creative Campus member recounting their
Gothic experience of UA Campus
A really wonderful duet that I danced to backstage
GOT SOMETHING TO SAY?
Submit it. Submit it. Submit it. Whether it’s a scramble of words you call poetry, a spirited defense of
E.L. James’s word vomit, a diary entry of your Pretentious Trip to Europe, photos of Mallet events, or visual
art. As I am a faultily generous god, chances are your piece will make the cut.
If you’ve got something to say, please, send to: [email protected]
Announcements
6
ANNOUNCEMENTS
Mallet Speaker Series
ELI Dinner
We will be having our third Speaker Series
Tuesday April 5th at 7pm in the Highlands Community Center. Dr. Sarah Steinbock-Pratt will discuss her
overall research interests in American colonial education in the Philippines and how it is relevant today.
Mallet and students in the ELI are going to
hang out together Thursday April 7th from 6:30-8:30
pm at the Highlands Community Center. Please bring
a dish from your culture and come eat good food and
have good conversation.
MalletCon
Dorm Meeting
Malletcon is happening the weekend of April
8th. On Friday afternoon, there will be a cookout from
3-6pm at Snow Hinton, followed by a State of the Assembly Meeting at the Ferg. There will be an alumni
meeting Saturday morning. Saturday evening there
will be a formal event at Smith Hall that will double
as a faculty mixer.
We will be having a dorm meeting Thursday,
February 11th at 10 pm in the Highlands Community
Center. We will be voting on an amendments and will
be having nominations for next semester’s executive
officers so please come!
Mallet Speaker Series
Mallet Open Mic Night
We will be having our fourth Speaker Series
Mallet’s last open mic night of the semester
Thursday April 14th at 7pm in the Highlands Commu- will be Friday April 15th at 7pm at the Riverside
nity Center. Come listen to Dr. Susan Fant speak on
Community Center. Please come and enjoy The Arts.
Foresight and Millenial Impressions of Year 2025.
New Ads to the Assembly
We’ve had an influx of ads in the past two weeks! Hurrah!

Emily Knowles: She will sing A V ery Potter M usical at you until you cr umble down to the gr ound
and admit defeat.

Michael Smith: He will become an or eo supplier to all futur e events.

Alec Riffe: He may not have been at the last battle of Ruusan, but he can tell you about it.

Sean McCracken: He has a habit of car r ying ar ound bundles of bananas. It is unknown if their
arachnids also accompany him.

Xander Pippin: He isn’t sur e which Malleteer he could take in a fight and is gr ateful the pit is gone
so he doesn’t have to find out.

Kyle Campbell: He can take 2.5 hor ses in a fight while on a hor se while playing chess.
Announcements
7
April 2016
Sunday
3
Monday
4
REACH 6-8pm
@ Lloyd
Tuesday
Wednesday
5
6
Tuesday Tea:
Diversity in
Honor Societies
1pm @ Ferg
Symposium on
Indigenous Education 5 pm @
Shelby 1092
Drag Show
Payment for
retreat due
11
12
Moving from
Diversity to Social Justice Panel 4pm Graves
Auditorium
Tuesday Tea
1pm @ Ferg
13
18
19
20
Mallet Progluck
7pm @ Highlands
Being-Boeing
7:30 pm @ Marian Gallaway
(thru 4/24)
24
25
1
2
7
8
9
ELI dinner @
6:30 pm
Mallet-con
14
15
16
22
23
Deadlines for
magazine submissions
Tuesday Tea on
sexual assault
awareness @
1pm
Arboretum
cleanup @ 11am
Saturday
Speaker Series
@ 7pm
Arcadia 7:30 @
Allan Bales Theatre (thru 4/17)
17
Friday
Dorm Meeting
@ Highlands
Speaker Series
@ 7pm
10
Thursday
26
21
REACH 6-8 pm
@ Lloyd
Dance collection Spring Retreat
Huxford Orches- 5:30 pm @ Mortra 7:30 pm @
gan
Moody
Dorm Meeting
@ Highlands
27
Magazine release date
28
29
30