Lisa Squared Part One
By
Graham Dawson
For the reader:
During the script, there will be several
occasions when someone’s name is prefixed with a
P. or an F. P. means Past and F. means Future.
Cast List:
This is just here to give a little background to
the thing, and so I don't have to describe the
characters later on.
Future time (or the present depending on your
point of view):
Lisa Simpson-Carter:
Age = 31. In this setting, Lisa has roughly
shoulder length hair.
Matthew Carter:
Lisa’s hubby. Looks suspiciously like a certain
actor from “Friends.” BING!
Jane Simpson-Carter:
Lisa’s eldest daughter, she is a cross of Lisa’s
and Bart’s personalities. Doesn’t sound like
Lisa, though. Age = 11. (And yes, she is named
after a certain sister... read on).
Bart Simpson-Carter JR:
A lot like Lisa in character (intelligent etc.),
but with some of Bart’s worse traits. (Bart JR,
BJ) Age = 8
Bart Simpson:
Guess who. Age = 33 ish. (F. Bart during
narratives)
Jessie Simpson:
AKA Jessica Lovejoy. She and Bart were married
soon after Lisa’s wedding (or the time frame
therein). Age = Similar to Bart.
Maggie Simpson:
The eternally silent kid sister. Age = 23 (ish)
The past/present cast from the future/present’s
past. (Non regular cast members only):
Susanna Jane Simpson:
Lisa’s long lost twin sister. She has longer
hair than Lisa does, sort of like Lisa’s Wedding,
only not quite so long. Generally a more laid
back version of Lisa.
Doctor Olbermann:
Slightly maniacal research employed by Mr Burns.
As I haven’t seen every episode of the Simpsons,
I’m not sure if he appears outside (the official)
Simpsons Comics, but here he is anyway.
Günther:
Olbermann's assistant.
ACT ONE:
EXTERIOR- SOUTH YEARDLEY DRIVE- DAY
Caption “Capital City 2028”. It is early
afternoon. A sign in the background reads Otto
cab co, Capital City division. A red Chevy pulls
into the driveway of a particularly large house.
Cut to:
INTERIOR- LARGE HOUSE- AT THAT MOMENT
A phone rings in the background. The view pans
across A Nobel Prize, Several Pulitzers, an OBE,
some musical trophies, a “Capital City Academy of
Music – Lecturer of the month” award, dated
April, May and June 2023, a large fireplace and
several Simpson Family pictures. The door
slams.
LISA
(OS) MATT, can you get that?
MATT
(OS, MUFFLED) I’m kinda busy right
now.
LISA
(OS yells) Dammit, MATT!
Footsteps can be heard moving through the house.
The camera pans across the room and zooms through
a doorway, revealing a spacious kitchen. A
vidphone sits on the worktop, ringing. LISA,
looking a lot older, comes through the opposite
door and runs for the phone. She picks up the
receiver.
LISA
Hello? Oh hi Maggie. How’s London?
Uh-huh and how are you? – Yes the
kids are fine – Yes and Matt. – Uhhuh. You are? Honey that’s great.
Who’s the lucky man then.
Lisa’s two children, JANE aged 9 and BART JR (BJ)
aged 7, enter from the same door as Lisa. Jane
vaguely resembles Lisa, except with pale blue
hair. As for Bart JR... well. Lisa cups her
hand over the mouthpiece
LISA
Hey kids, come say hello to your Aunt
Maggie.
Lisa turns the vidscreen on and points it at the
kids.
JANE/BJ
Hi Aunt Maggie.
Onscreen, MAGGIE waves. She tries to speak but
there is no sound.
LISA
(To Maggie) Oh sorry Maggie, I’ve
been meaning to get that fixed. (To
kids) You two run along now. Oh and
Jane? I want a word with you later.
BJ
(Just like the other Bart) Sounds
like some-ones in trouble.
JANE
Quit it Brat!
BJ
MOM she called me Brat again!
LISA
Jane, will you stop teasing your
little brother!
JANE
Well sor-ry!
BJ
(Running from the room) I’ve got the
computer first!
JANE
What – no WAY!
Jane chases BJ from the room.
LISA
(To Maggie) Now where were we...?
Before Lisa can continue, MATT interrupts her.
MATT
(OS, yells) LISA! Have you seen the
towels?
LISA
(Annoyed, Yells) They’re in the
linen closet. (To MAGGIE) Look, I’m
sorry Maggie, I’ll have to go – Yeah
sure you can come over. – Oh I don’t
know... Tonight?!? But you’re... oh
by shuttle. – Bart? – I suppose he
could come. – Yes. You... Uh-huh,
you too. See you tonight then. –
Ye... No I don’t think so. – Bye
Maggie. Yes. – Bye.
Lisa replaces the receiver, turns and shudders.
LISA
Ooh, she never stops talking!
Cut to:
INTERIOR- FIRE ROOM- LATER.
It is evening. LISA, MATT and MAGGIE are in the
room talking. Matt is by the fireplace holding a
beer. Lisa and Maggie are sat opposite facing
each other in easy chairs. The discussion
centres around Maggie’s Fiancé.
MATT
A Hells Angel, huh? Any idea what
Marge would say about that?
Maggie moves to speak, but the doorbell
interrupts her.
LISA
I’ll get that.
Cut to:
HALLWAY
MATT
(OS, with echo) So when are they
letting Marge out anyway?
Lisa opens the door to find Bart, holding a photo
album.
LISA
BART, You made it!
BART
Hey, hey, calm down Lis. Springfield
isn’t that far from Capital City. So
how’s Matt and the kids?
Bart and Lisa move back towards the fire-room.
LISA
They’re fine, the kids are over at
Michelle’s. But how are you? We’ve
barely spoken since you started law
school.
BART
Not so good really. My wife left me.
LISA
Again? That must be, what, five
times now.
BART
Seven. (Lisa stares at him) Hey,
these things happen.
Cut To:
FIRE ROOM
LISA and BART enter the room. MAGGIE is toying
with a Rubicks Cube. MATT is nowhere to be seen.
BART
Hey Maggie, how’s life at the worst
college this side of the equator.
Maggie opens her mouth in shock and reaches under
her jacket.
LISA
(Nervous laugh) Maggie, have you seen
Matt anywhere?
Maggie points to the kitchen, looks defiantly at
Bart and sits down.
BART
So who’s this Michelle again?
LISA
She’s my old secretary, from the
academy. Surely you remember her?
BART
Oh yeah, The robot babe. She’s a
fox!
LISA
(SOTTO) And you wonder why Jessie
keeps leaving.
BART
What?
LISA
Nothing. (To Maggie) What exactly is
he doing in there?
Maggie shrugs and returns to her cube. Her hands
blur as she completes it in about two seconds
then tosses onto the table.
MATT
(OS) I’m just getting some more
drinks. What does... (Matt’s head
pops around the door) What does Bart
want? Beer?
BART
No. Orange juice, thanks Matt. (To
Lisa and Maggie) You know, we should
get together more often.
Matt disappears for a moment, then returns with
the drinks. Bart spreads out on the couch,
placing the Photo album on the table. Matt picks
it up.
MATT
(To Bart) What’s this?
BART
It’s an old family album. I found it
in the attic at home.
Bart sips his drink as Matt begins flipping
through the book.
BART
(To Lisa) You should take a look in
there Lis.
Lisa moves over to Matt’s side. Matt flips some
pages, then stops.
MATT
Hey who’s this?
Cut To:
Looking at the album over MATT and LISA’S
shoulders. Matt points to a picture of the SUZY
and P. LISA, aged eight. Suzy is wearing a
baseball shirt and cap. Lisa takes the photo
from the book.
MATT
She looks just like you.
LISA
That... That is, or was, my twin
sister Suzy.
Cut To:
The view changes back to show all of them.
MATT
I didn’t know you had a twin sister.
LISA
I don’t like to talk about her much.
Maggie puts down her drink and looks
questioningly at Bart. He leans forwards.
BART
(To Maggie) Didn’t you know about
Suzy?
Maggie shakes her head.
BART
(Surprised) You mean no one told you?
MATT
(To Lisa) You wanna tell us the
story then?
BART
Yeah come on Lis. Maggie here wants
to know too.
LISA
Well, I guess I could. Might as well
sit down first.
Lisa sits next to Bart on the couch. Matt takes
one of the chairs.
LISA
I guess it must have been nearly
thirty years ago now. It actually
starts right back when I was born.
DREAM SEQUENCE FADE TO:
EXTERIOR- KWIK E MART- DAY
It is about midday. MARGE’S car pulls into the
car park and MARGE steps out.
LISA
(OS) Suzy was taken from mom soon
after birth, and I guess mom thought
she was dead. Of course she found
out different about eight years
later.
Cut To:
INTERIOR- KWIK E MART- AT THAT MOMENT
APU is wiping down the counter when MARGE enters.
He stops as he sees her.
MARGE
Morning Apu.
APU
Ah good morning Mrs Simpson. Have
you come here to find your daughter?
Marge stops in her tracks.
MARGE
Bart isn’t... Wait. Did you say
daughter? Lisa’s here?
APU
Yes I did. I think I last saw her
reading comics behind isle three.
Apu points to the isle, which is empty.
APU
At least, she was a moment ago.
MARGE
Are you sure it was Lisa? It’s not
like her at all.
APU
(Indignant) Of course I am sure. I
never forget a face.
MARGE
Well if it was Lisa, She’s in big
trouble.
Marge storms out of the building, slamming the
door on the way out.
APU
What if, it was definitely her. Oh
now I am talking to myself.
The door bangs and Marge storms back in again.
She walks past Apu into the store. Apu cringes
at several loud crashing noises. He watches in
shocked silence as Marge walks back to the
counter, pays and leaves.
APU
Umm, thank-you, I think.
Cut To:
HIGH STREET- LATER
>From inside her car, MARGE sees SUSANNA, (She is
wearing grey pants and a pale blue T-shirt)
entering the music store.
MARGE
(Confused) Lisa?
Marge pulls over to the curb, half a block down.
Cut To:
INTERIOR- SPORTS STORE- AT THAT MOMENT
SUZY wanders around the store, fascinated by
everything she sees. She stops in front of a
baseball display. An ASSISTANT appears as if
from nowhere.
ASSISTANT
Hiya little lady. You interested in
baseball?
SUZY
(Lisa) I suppose so.
ASSISTANT
Ever played?
SUZY
No.
ASSISTANT
Well, come here. I’ll show you how.
The Assistant grabs a glove and ball, and guides
Suzy to the back of the store, where a practice
court has been set-up.
ASSISTANT
Okay. Do you know the rules? (Suzy
shakes her head) Well basically you
have to hit this little ball as hard
as you can towards the pitcher. Now
you just grab a bat, and I’ll be the
pitcher, okay?
SUZY
Okay.
Suzy gets a bat from a pile of to one side. The
ASSISTANT stands on his mound and gets ready.
ASSISTANT
Ready? Cos here it comes.
The Assistant pitches under-arm to Suzy, who
whacks it straight back at him, hitting him on
the head. He falls over.
ASSISTANT
Oww! (Rubs his head) Okay, maybe I
should have said OVER the pitcher.
He gets up and pitches again. Suzy hits the ball
into the rear wall. It hits with a loud bang.
The Assistant goes to get the ball as MARGE
appears.
ASSISTANT
(OS) Hey, that’s quite a dent.
You’re pretty strong for a second
grader.
The Assistant comes back and sees Marge
ASSISTANT
(To Marge) Can I help you?
MARGE
No, thanks. (TO SUZY- annoyed) Lisa
you’re coming with me
Before SUZY can speak, MARGE grabs her hand and
drags her from the store.
Cut To:
Close up on the storefront. The door opens,
revealing MARGE and SUZY. Suzy struggles against
Marge’s grip as she is dragged down the steps.
MARGE
Now, young lady. You have a lot of
explaining to do. I want to know why
you’re not in school, what you’re
doing here and why you’re such a
mess.
Marge folds her arms and glowers at Suzy.
SUZY
(Puzzled) Who are you?
MARGE
Don’t play with me Lisa. I want
answers.
SUZY
But my name’s not Lisa, its Susanna.
MARGE
This isn’t funny Lisa.
SUZY
But I’m not...
MARGE
NO. I don’t want to hear it. Get in
the car, we’re going straight to
Principal Skinner.
SUZY
(Scared) No please, not the
Principal.
MARGE
In the car NOW!
Reluctantly, Suzy gets in the car, followed by
Marge. A man wearing dark glasses exits the
store as Marge and Suzy drive off.
MATT
(OS) I don’t understand why she was
so scared of Principal Skinner.
Cut to:
FIRE ROOM- NIGHT
MATT and LISA are sat on the couch; BART is sat
on a chair opposite. MAGGIE comes in from the
kitchen, carrying a tray of drinks, which she
sets down on the coffee table.
LISA
(To Bart) Another orange juice? Are
you feeling okay?
BART
Oh yeah. Apart from a swollen liver,
I’m perfectly fine.
LISA
Swollen liver?
BART
Yup. The doctor said I couldn’t
drink any alcohol for three months.
Only five days to go now, and I can
drink like a hog.
LISA
SO it wasn’t because you were
driving?
BART
Well... there is that too, yes.
LISA
Heh, well anyway. It turns out she
spent her whole life in this place
called the institute...
Cut To:
THE CAR- AT THAT MOMENT
MARGE is staring straight ahead, frowning but
also slightly confused. She occasionally gives
SUZY a sideways glance. Suzy is sat in the
passenger seat looking around, scared.
LISA
(OS) The one constant in her life had
been fear of the institute’s owner,
known only as the Principal.
Marge becomes increasingly annoyed by Suzy’s
fidgeting.
MARGE
Will you stop that! What’s with you
anyway?
SUZY
(Sullen) Like you don’t know.
MARGE
Humour me.
SUZY
Look lady, the once I'm in the
Principal’s office, I probably wont
come out alive.
MARGE
Lisa please don’t exaggerate. I know
Principal Skinner is strict but...
SUZY
Skinner?
MARGE
Principal Skinner... At the school?
SUZY
School?
They arrive at Springfield elementary.
MARGE
The Elementary school. Oh never
mind, we’re here now.
Cut To:
Outside the school, MARGE steps from the car just
as the recess bell rings.
MARGE
(To Suzy) Come on. We’re going ins-
She spots LISA on the playing field.
MARGE
(Confused) Lisa (looks at Suzy)
But... Suzy?
SUZY
Are you all right? (Spots Lisa)
Hey, she looks just like me.
Marge turns to Suzy, tears in her eyes.
MARGE
Oh Lord Suzy, it’s true.
She hugs Suzy tightly and chokes back her tears.
MARGE
My baby, I thought I’d lost you
SUZY
You mean you’re my mom?
MARGE
Yes. I – I thought you were dead.
I’m so sorry.
Suzy looks over Marge’s shoulder and points at
Lisa.
SUZY
Who’s that?
MARGE
What? (Turns to look) Oh. That’s
your sister, Lisa.
SUZY
(Awe struck) Wow, I have a sister?
Is THAT why you called me Lisa?
MARGE
We’d better go inside, I’ll explain
it there.
Cut To:
SKINNERS OFFICE- LATER.
PRINCIPAL SKINNER is reading reports at his desk.
There is a knock at the door.
SKINNER
Come in.
Skinner stands as MARGE enters.
SKINNER
Ah, Mrs Simpson. Please, sit. (Both
sit) Now, is there anything I can do
for you?
MARGE
Uh, yes. Could you call Lisa and
Bart up here, please?
SKINNER
Yes of course. (Reaches for the
mike) Is anything wrong?
MARGE
No, I just want to speak to them,
that’s all.
SKINNER
Very well (activates the mike). Lisa
Simpson and Bart Simpson please
report to my office immediately.
Cut to:
FOURTH GRADE CLASSROOM- AT THAT MOMENT
BART and the rest of the children stare at the PA
speaker in the corner of the room. MRS KRABAPPEL
looks up from her book at BART.
KRABAPPEL
Well Bart. What are you waiting for?
BART
Besides the fact that I didn’t do
anything yet, (Looks at his watch)
he’s at least an hour early.
KRABAPPEL
(Sarcastic) Well congratulations
Bart. You’ve just set a new record.
Bart gets up from his chair and leaves the room.
Krabappel continues teaching.
Cut To:
OUTSIDE SKINNERS OFFICE
LISA is stood nervously outside the office as
BART walks up. He frowns when he sees Lisa.
BART
Hey Lis. What are you doing here?
LISA
I wish I knew. It can’t be pleasant
if it involves you though.
A mobile phone rings. Lisa and Bart stand,
staring at each other, as it rings a few more
times.
LISA
Bart?
BART
Yo.
LISA
Your phone?
BART
(Realising) Oh yeah.
Cut To:
FIRE ROOM- AT THAT MOMENT
Everyone is in pretty much the same position.
MAGGIE is halfway through building the Taj –
Mahal from a deck of cards. BART fishes his
cellphone from his pocket and flips it open.
BART
Y’ello. Oh hi Jessie. Yeah I’m at
Lisa’s. Uh-huh.
MATT
(SOTTO to Lisa) Jessie?
LISA
(SOTTO) His wife, remember?
MATT
Oh, yeah. (Frowns) Which one?
BART
(To Jessie) Where are you anyway? –
Where? – What are you doing in a bus
depot? – No, I only have enough gas
to get home. – Yes. Look Jessie – I
know, but couldn’t you get a bus? –
Uh-huh. Okay, I’ll come and get you.
I’ll just have to see if I can get
some on the way down.
Maggie begins to take off her jacket. Lisa looks
at her inquiringly.
LISA
Is that a gun you’re wearing?
Maggie quickly puts her jacket back on and
fastens the zipper.
LISA
That’s what I thought.
BART
Just a second. (To LISA) Lis?
(Pause) Lisa!
LISA
Huh?
BART
Is it okay if I bring Jessie here for
the night? She doesn’t want to come
home just yet, but she ran out of
cash.
LISA
I dunno. Matt?
MATT
Wha... oh. Yeah, why not. Hell,
someone’s got to drink that twelvepack I laid in for.
BART
Thanks Matt. (To Jessie) Okay,
Jessie? Yeah I’m coming right over.
– No, you can stay with Lis. – Yeah.
Bye now. I love you too. (BART
closes the phone and stands up)
Well, looks like I’ve gotta go. I’ll
probably be about an hour.
MATT
Hey, no problem. Dinners gonna take
that long anyway.
BART
Well I guess I’ll see you in an hour
then (To Lisa, who stands). Don’t
worry, I can find my own way out
fine.
LISA
Actually, Bart, I was going to the
kitchen to start dinner.
Lisa walks out of the room.
BART
(Sarcastic) Oh, I’m so sorry Senator
Carter. May I never wrong you again.
(To Matt) See you later Matt.
LISA
(OS, Good humoured) Get out of here
Bart.
MATT
Later.
Bart leaves the room. The front door slams a
moment later.
LISA
(OS) Hey Maggie, wanna come and give
me a hand?
The model collapses under Maggie’s hands. She
throws down the two cards she is holding and
joins Lisa in the kitchen.
Cut To:
END PART A (not act one, since this is a comic.)
PART B:
DINING ROOM – NIGHT
It is early evening. BART, JESSIE, MAGGIE and
LISA are sat around the table. Matt stands
behind Lisa, cuddling her. Everyone is laughing,
except Maggie, who merely smirks and plays with
her fork.
MATT
(To Maggie) Man, you mean that fella
actually thought he was swimming?
Maggie nods and grins
BART
Unbelievable!
Lisa looks up at Matt.
LISA
Now Matt, shouldn’t you be watching
the dinner?
MATT
Yeah the dinner – The DINNER!
Matt bolts from the room. Bart sniffs the air as
the door opens.
BART
Damn that smells good. I haven’t had
a decent home cook meal since...
Hell, I can’t even remember!
Jessie looks at Bart, aghast.
JESSIE
Are you saying you don’t like my
cooking?
BART
That microwave soy slop we have at
home isn’t cooking, it’s barely worth
calling it food!
JESSIE
Well if that’s how you feel then I’m
leaving.
BART
You already did, remember?
JESSIE
But I... D’OH!
Lisa clears her throat, and looks threateningly
at Bart and Jessie. The doorbell rings.
MATT
(OS) I got it!
BART
Sorry Lis. I guess I just get
carried away sometimes.
LISA
(Frustrated) Well just, (waves her
hands) just drop it. Okay? (To
Jessie) BOTH of you. You do know
that all soy products were banned
last month.
BART/JESSIE
Really?
BART
Why?
LISA
I dunno. I would imagine it was some
sort of health scare-
BART
Heh, mad bean disease.
LISA
-BUT, those self-serving morons in
the senate waited for my day off
before passing the bill.
BART
Don't forget Lis, for five days of
the week you *are* one of those selfserving morons.
LISA
(MARGE) Hrrmmm.
JESSIE
So what will you be eating then?
(Wry) I mean you can’t be giving up
vegetarianism, can you?
LISA
No. (Dubious) Matt said he found me
the perfect substitute. It’s called
Oat Meat or something...
Jane and BJ walk into the room. They run
forwards when they see Bart
BJ/JANE
Uncle Bart!
BART
Hey, how’s my favourite nephew?
Bart stands up.
BJ
I’m your only nephew sir.
BART
I knew that, (To Jane) and Jane.
You’re so... big!
JANE
Yeah whatever... Is that beef I can
smell?
LISA
Uh... yes. Don’t worry though, Dad
stocked up on your favourite pizza’s
last week.
JANE
Well if it’s all the same, I’d rather
go to my room until after dinner.
LISA
Fine with me, but don’t go using the
(Jane bolts from the room) ... phone.
BART
She’s just like you were at that age.
LISA
She is not! I never used the phone
without asking first!
BART
Whatever you say Lis. (To BJ) We know
what the real story is, huh BJ?
LISA
Bart, what have you been telling him?
BJ stifles a laugh and runs from the room.
BART
Nothing at all Lis.
JESSIE
Don't worry Lisa, I’ve got stuff on
Bart that you wouldn’t believe!
Matt comes back into the room, carrying a large,
covered platter. Jessie and Bart sniff
appreciatively.
MATT
Hey hey hey! Dinner is served.
Matt lays the platter on the table and removes
the lid.
MATT
You know it took me five hours to
find a store that sold real meat.
Not that I mind eating that soya
stuff but...
LISA
Aren’t you forgetting someone Matt?
MATT
What? Oh, yeah. I’ll be right back.
Matt runs from the room, returning a moment later
with a smaller platter.
MATT
Enjoy your oat-meat.
Matt sits down next to Lisa, whilst everyone else
grabs a rib. Lisa tries a forkful of her “OatMeat”. She chews a few times, screwing her face
up, and swallows.
LISA
Could you pass the salad please
Jessica? And the pepper.
Jessie passes the items to Lisa, who proceeds to
shake the entire contents of the pepper pot onto
her meal.
MATT
(Mouth full) So Lis. (Swallows) When
are you gonna quit holdin out on us.
Lisa tries another forkful of her meal.
LISA
(SOTTO) I’m gonna start eating fish.
(Normal) What?
MATT
The story, man!
LISA
Oh, yeah. Where was I up to?
BART
We were just about to go inside
Principle Skinners office.
LISA
That’s right.
DREAM SEQUENCE FADE TO:
OUTSIDE SKINNERS OFFICE
It is the past again. Lisa and Bart are stood
outside the door to Principle Skinners office.
F. LISA
(OS) You’d better switch your phone
off Bart.
F. BART
(OS) Gotcha. Gee’s, do I remember
this part!
A small beep emanates from somewhere off screen.
LISA
(To Bart) So now what do we do?
BART
Well we sure as hell don’t stand
around out here all day.
Bart opens the door and walks in. Lisa watches
as the door closes behind him.
BART
(O.S. Yells.) AYE CARAMBA!
MARGE
(OS) No Bart, WAIT!
Bart comes rushing out of the room, terrified.
He sees Lisa and runs down the hall, screaming.
LISA
(Worried) Bart? What’s the matter?
PRINCIPAL SKINNER walks through the door.
SKINNER
Bart Simpson get back here this
instant. I... (Spots LISA) Good
Lord, an impostor! (Yells) They’ve
infiltrated the base. Sound the
alarm.
Skinner turns and dives into a ventilation shaft,
just as MARGE comes to the office door. She
watches him disappear.
SKINNER
(OS from vent. Determined). Must...
reach... command centre.
MARGE
(SOTTO, Shaking her head) This isn’t
quite how it was meant to happen. (To
Lisa, sighs) Lisa, there’s someone
I’d like you to meet.
Marge walks back into the room, returning a
moment later with Suzy.
LISA
(Gasps)
MARGE
This is your sister, Susanna.
SUZY
Hi.
LISA
Sister? But she... I... we...
(Frustrated) Moom!
MARGE
(Sighs) It’s a long story Lisa.
LISA
(Neutral) I’ve got plenty of time.
MARGE
Well, we’d better find Bart first.
Marge, Lisa and Suzy walk off down the hall.
Cut To:
SIMPSON CAR- LATER
In the back of the car, BART and LISA are staring
at SUZY, who looks out of the window. There is a
large gab between Suzy and B/L. After a while
she turns to look at them.
MARGE
So, uh, Suzy. Do you know where
you’ve been all this time?
SUZY
Well I don’t really... Bart stop it!
BART
Stop what?
SUZY
You’re staring at me.
BART
I wasn’t staring (looks at Lisa) were
you staring Lis?
Lisa turns her head without taking her eyes off
Suzy.
LISA
Oh no I wasn’t... I wouldn’t be... be
staring. (To Bart) Would you?
BART
No, of course not.
LISA
No.
Bart and Lisa continue to stare at Suzy. She
stares back for a while before folding her arms
and looking out of the window.
SUZY
(MARGE) Hrrmmmm!
There is silence for a while.
LISA
(To Marge) Mom, why don’t you tell us
how Suzy disappeared.
MARGE
Well, I don’t really like to think
about it but... okay (Pause) It came
as a bit of a surprise to find I was
expecting twins, and I wasn’t sure
how your father would cope. He
seemed to accept it though.
BART
I don’t remember anything about
twins.
MARGE
Well you were only two at the time.
Anyway, I gave birth to you two,
identical in every way. The only way
I could tell you apart was the blue
streak in Suzy’s hair. Doctor
Hibbert said it was a genetic thing.
LISA
Ooh, can I have a look?
SUZY
No!
MARGE
(Clears her throat) Are you even
listening?
Bart, Lisa and Suzy snap round to face her.
MARGE
Good. About a month after you were
born Suzy became ill. I don’t recall
what it was exactly, but to be safe
we took you both into the hospital
for checks.
HOSPITAL ROOM – BW SILENT
MARGE fusses over Lisa and Suzy in a cot.
MARGE
(OS) They kept you in overnight for
observation and I stayed as well. In
the middle of the night, this German
doctor burst into the room and took
Suzy.
HOSPITAL ROOM - NIGHT
OLBERMANN and GÜNTHER burst into the room, waking
Marge. Günther holds down Marge whilst Olbermann
picks up Suzy. Both run from the room.
MARGE
I tried to stop them, to get some
help but no one came.
THE PRESENT
MARGE
The next morning I was told that
she’d died... I didn’t know what to
do.
LISA
Oh Mom, that’s awful.
F.MATT
(OS) Yeah Lis, that’s awful. How did
she cope?
F. LISA
(OS) The same way she always coped.
F. MATT
(OS) Oh.
F.LISA
Although it was strange at first, we
soon got used to having Suzy around.
Cut To:
INTERIOR- TV ROOM- DAY
Caption “ Three months later”. It is early
afternoon. LISA and SUZY are lying in front of
the TV. Suzy is wearing a baseball cap and
shirt. A bat and Lisa’s Sax are resting on the
couch. The door slams.
F. LISA
(OS) At least, most of us did.
HOMER comes into the room.
LISA/SUZY
(W.O. looking up) Hi dad.
Homer screams and hides behind the doorframe. He
looks around the frame nervously.
HOMER
Will you two stop doing that!
LISA/SUZY
Doing what?
HOMER
Oooh! You’re doing it again!
Bart walks into the room.
BART
Hey chill-out Homer. It’s not as if
they’re Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma.
Lisa leans over to Suzy and whispers something to
her. Suzy nods and they both giggle.
HOMER
Hey you’re right.
BART
So Lis. You wanna go...
Bart’s words fade away as he sees Lisa and Suzy
staring at him a-la Patty/Selma
BART
Umm, Homer? (He tugs Homer’s sleeve)
HOMER
What.
BART
(Worried) Dad?
HOMER
(Annoyed) What!
Homer turns and shudders when he sees L and S.
LISA/SUZY
(Patty/Selma) Humph!
Bart and Homer grab each other and scream. S and
L roll around the floor, laughing uncontrollably
as MARGE runs in from the kitchen. She stops
short when she sees what’s happening.
MARGE
(SOTTO) What the... (To Homer)
Homer, I forgot to tell you, but
Patty and Selma are coming over for
dinner.
HOMER
(Worried) Oh no, that means there’ll
be four of them. What’ll I do?
BART
Well I have two suggestions. A, run
and B, hide.
HOMER
Good thinking boy.
Homer and Bart run from the room.
MARGE
What’s gotten into them? (To L and
S) All-right you two, I want this
house tidy for when your aunts get
here.
Suzy leaps up and runs for the door. She grabs
her bat on the way.
SUZY
Well-gotta-go-batting-practice-seey’all-later (door slams)
MARGE
What? (Lisa stands to leave) And
where are you going young lady?
LISA
Well... I guess I... umm (SOTTO) Come
on brain. There has to be something
you can do. What would Bart say in a
situation like this? (BRAIN) How
should I know, YOU never listen to
him (SOTTO) Oh, I... Aha! (Speaking)
Jazz club!
MARGE
Excuse me?
LISA
Yeah, yeah that’s it. I’m going to
an after school Jazz club.
MARGE
On a Saturday afternoon? In the
middle of summer no less!
LISA
(Nervous) He-he-he, yeah. (Pause) I
have to go now.
Lisa heads for the door. MATCH: View from the
hall. Marge stands behind Lisa. She lifts up
Lisa’s Sax.
MARGE
Aren’t we forgetting something.
Lisa cringes.
LISA
Yeah I... wouldn’t want to forget
that for my Jazz club. (Quieter)
Jazz...
Marge watches in silence as Lisa takes the sax
from her, then leaves the room. The door slams a
moment later.
Cut To:
EXTERIOR- EVERGREEN TERRACE- AT THAT MOMENT
SUZY is stood near the end of the drive, swinging
her bat around. LISA comes running out of the
house.
SUZY
Oh come on Lis, the sports hall
closes at three.
LISA
What?
Suzy runs of down the road, followed by Lisa, who
nearly trips on her strap.
Cut To:
SPORTS HALL- LATER
The reception to the sports hall leads opens up
onto the gym, where Rainier Wolfcastle and
Drederick Tatum can be seen sparring in the
background. Lisa and Suzy come in through the
door. MATCH: Close up of the desk. The
RECEPTIONIST turns as Lisa and Suzy approach.
RECEPTIONIST
May I help you children? Oh Susanna,
its you. I suppose you want your
usual cage.
SUZY
Thanks.
RECEPTIONIST
I’ll just get the key.
The Receptionist hands a receipt to Suzy. MATCH:
Looking into the Reception/Gym, over L and S’s
shoulders. Tatum is pummelling Wolfcastle
repeatedly.
LISA
I thought batting practice was just
an excuse.
SUZY
It was at first. But since I’ve got
my bat with me, I might as well hit
something.
LISA
Sounds reasonable.
Cut To:
Close up of reception desk. The Receptionist is
busy in the background. Suzy swings her bat
around her wrist.
RECEPTIONIST
Here we are. Cubicle six, you’ve got
half an hour.
The Receptionist hands over a key to Suzy.
MATCH: Looking into the Reception/gym.
Wolfcastle is spinning Tatum over his head,
yawning. Lisa and Suzy walk past, oblivious.
Cut To:
BATTING CAGE- LATER
A man wearing dark glasses (Olbermann) can be
seen in the background. Nearby, another man
(Günther) picks up a bat and loiters around the
entrance to the cage. LISA watches as SUZY
smashes ball after ball into the rear wall,
making several large dents. The machine pauses
for a second.
LISA
You’re pretty strong for an eightyear-old.
SUZY
Come again?
LISA
Those dents you’ve made in the far
wall.
SUZY
I hadn’t actually thought about it.
And I don’t want to either.
LISA
But surely you...
SUZY
(Final) No. (Hits another ball) So
what’s with the horn?
LISA
Huh? (Looks down at her Sax) Oh, I
told mom I was going to a Jazz club
or... something.
Suzy stops her batting and faces Lisa.
SUZY
Mind if I have a go?
LISA
Sure, go ahead. I’m not gonna use
it.
Suzy walks out from the cage and picks up Lisa’s
Sax. She holds it uncertainly for a moment, then
looks at Lisa.
LISA
Okay I’ll show you. (Grabs Suzy’s
hands) You put your hands like this.
Now put the reed into your mouth and
push up against it with your tongue.
SUZY
(Mouth full) Like this?
LISA
Yes, now blow.
Suzy blows bum note.
SUZY
Ewwww!
LISA
(Giggles) It takes a little practice.
Why don’t you try again?
Suzy begins to play a tune. She quickly begins
to add more complicated riffs and melodies. Lisa
watches in amazement as she plays faster and
faster.
F. LISA
(OS) I couldn’t believe it. She
played beautifully. It had taken me
four years of practice to get where I
was, and she outplayed me after five
minutes. And then there was the
little matter of her swing. I knew
she wouldn’t react well to an open
question about it, so I had to try
and coax it out.
Suzy stops playing.
LISA
You uh, sure you’ve never played one
before?
SUZY
Never. We weren’t allowed any kind
of entertainment in... I... (Drifts
off)
LISA
Suzy? In where? What’s the matter?
Suzy breaks down crying. Lisa moves to comfort
her but is pushed away by Suzy.
LISA
Suzy please. You can tell me.
SUZY
(Crying) You wouldn’t understand.
There’s no way you could possibly
know what I’ve been through.
LISA
Well... tell me anyway. Sometimes it
helps to just talk.
SUZY
(Sniff) Well I guess... (Wipes her
eyes) I don’t really know where to
start.
LISA
You can start by telling me where
you’ve been for the past eight years.
SUZY
For as long as I can remember, I’ve
lived in a place called the
Institute. I can only clearly recall
a few things about it; the rest is
either vague or totally blank.
(Chokes)
LISA
Suzy?
SUZY
(Looks away) I’m alright... It’s
just so many bad memories...
LISA
Such as?
SUZY
Well, the guards for one thing.
There were one or two who were
friendly enough, but to most of them
we were just trouble.
LISA
You said we... there were others
there?
SUZY
Oh yeah. About 40, not including the
guards, split into two sections of
about 20 each. My section was mostly
involved in espionage, uh, stealing
information for the Principal. We
were left to wander around business
conferences and science fairs,
finding out as much as we could.
LISA
Wait a minute. How could you steal
information from these people?
You’re just a kid.
SUZY
Well that’s the beauty of it, you
see. No one suspects a child and all
I had to do was walk around and touch
people.
LISA
Touch them? You learn things by
touching people? (Suzy nods) I don’t
believe that that’s possible.
SUZY
How do you think I learned the Sax so
quickly?
LISA
Well I thought it was—
SUZY
You put your hands on mine, didn’t
you?
LISA
I... I suppose I did. (Pause) You
mean you could learn anything from
me, just by holding my hand? And you
didn’t tell me? I feel so, so
violated.
SUZY
If it makes you feel any better, you
were right about Ralph and Janey.
LISA
(Whinging) Suzy!
SUZY
(Defensive) I can’t help it! I’ve
only been doing it my entire life!
LISA
God help me for asking but how did
you escape?
SUZY
I was doing a trade fair in Capital
City and somehow managed to contact
the security team I was with. I
learned just enough to disable the
tracking device they had on me, and
then I lost myself in the crowd. By
the time they realised what had
happened I was safely on my way to
Springfield. They probably still
don’t know what happened.
MATCH: Close-up Olbermann. He takes out a small
device and starts fiddling with it. It beeps
twice.
MATCH: Suzy/Lisa.
LISA
Did you hear that?
SUZY
Hear what?
LISA
It sounded like a (Suzy begins to act
strangely) Suzy? Are you alright?
SUZY
No... I – Aaaahh!
Suzy grabs her head and collapses. Olbermann
runs up to her. One or two other people gather
around, including Günther.
LISA
Suzy? (Gets up and starts shaking
Suzy) Suzy wake up. (Aggravated)
Suzy! Come on, don’t do this to me!
OLBERMANN
(Germanic) Stand back, I’m a doctor.
(Leans over Suzy) Hmmm...
LISA
Hmm what do you mean hmm?
OLBERMANN
Subject appears to be suffering a
swelling of the cerebral cortex,
(Turns Suzy’s head sideways) very
serious. (He checks her pulse) Her
heart’s stopped (To Günther) You!
Call an ambulance immediately.
Günther runs out of the room.
LISA
(SOTTO, fast) She’s gonna die she’s
gonna die she’s gonna die she’s gonna
die she’s gonna die she’s gonna—
OLBERMANN
Be quiet! Nobody is going to die.
LISA
But you said it was –
OLBERMANN
(Agitated) No I didn’t! Now be
quiet!
Lisa stares at Olbermann momentarily, before
sitting down meekly. Moments later, an ambulance
can be heard arriving.
LISA
That was quick.
OLBERMANN
No it wasn’t.
Cut To:
EXTERIOR- SPORTS HALL- LATER
A small crowd has gathered as two medics wheel
SUZY to a waiting ambulance. OLBERMANN and LISA
follow them to the doors. Lisa watches for a
short while, then turns to leave.
OLBERMANN
Where are you going?
LISA
I’m going to phone my mom.
OLBERMANN
No!
LISA
But –
OLBERMANN
Gotten Himmel! You can phone her
from the hospital. Now stop wasting
my time and get in the ambulance.
Olbermann turns away and starts talking to one of
the medics. Lisa stares at him as she gets into
the ambulance.
MEDIC
(Harsh whisper) Wer das ist! (German,
subtitled) There was only supposed to
be one!
OLBERMANN
(German, Subtitled) Well evidently
she has a sister!
MEDIC
(German, sub; Warning tone) The
Principal won't like this.
OLBERMANN
(German, Sub) Actually, I think he
will... Get moving
F.LISA
(OS) I knew that there was something
wrong about them, but when I realised
that they were speaking German, it
was too late.
Cut to:
AMBULANCE
Olbermann gets into the ambulance with Lisa and
closes the door. The ambulance sets off with a
bump. Lisa watches Olbermann as he attaches
electrodes to Suzy’s chest and head.
LISA
What are you doing?
Olbermann ignores her and takes out the same
small device. He points it at Suzy and pushes
some buttons. She shudders and her eyes open
momentarily. The heart monitor begins beeping
rhythmically. Olbermann unplugs the monitor and
takes a syringe down from a shelf.
LISA
Why was that medic speaking German?
OLBERMANN
There’s no need to worry about that
now. Please, stay calm and you won’t
be hurt.
Olbermann removes the syringe cover and squirts
out some of the liquid.
LISA
What’s that for?
OLBERMANN
This? This is a sedative. It works
extremely fast.
LISA
But Suzy doesn’t need sedating.
OLBERMANN
No. But you do.
LISA
Wha–
Olbermann jabs the needle into her arm. She
immediately collapses, unconscious.
Cut To:
CLOSEUP LISA
LISA is slouched in an office chair, tied down by
her arms and legs. She begins to stir, then
awakens suddenly.
LISA
Suzy!
BURNS
(OS) Ah, it looks like our “guest” is
awake.
Lisa sits bolt upright up and looks around.
MATCH: BURNS OFFICE. BURNS, SMITHERS and
OLBERMANN gather around Lisa.
LISA
Mr Burns? What – (Gasps) you’re the
Principal!
BURNS
Smithers did you hear that? Is her
whole family this intelligent?
SMITHER
Uhh...
OLBERMANN
She does seem to possess a remarkable
mind but if she is to be of any use I
must start my tests immediately!
BURNS
Oh come now Doctor, I’m sure a little
chat wouldn’t hurt. (To Lisa) Your
sister is quite the little spy. I’ve
never had any of my assets out in the
field this long before, and the
information she’s providing is quite,
uh... informative.
LISA
Assets? What are you talking about?
BURNS
Oh it’s quite simple my dear. (He
begins pacing in front of the
monitors) All the things I own are
called assets. I own this power
plant, which makes it an asset. I
own the institute, which makes it an
asset. I own everything in the
institute, including your sister and
that makes her an asset. (Burns
turns and faces Lisa) And now I own
you.
LISA
WHAT! You can’t own me, or my
sister. We’re human beings, not some
commodity to be bought and sold.
Besides, my parents will come looking
for me.
BURNS
Oh your parents. I’d completely
forgotten about them. I'm sure a
suitable distraction can be arranged
for them, Smithers? If you would
deal with that please.
SMITHERS
Yes sir. (Turns to leave)
BURNS
Oh and Smithers? When you’ve
finished, send the family a bouquet
of flowers, with my personal
commiseration’s.
Burns walks behind his desk and presses a button.
A panel in the wall slides away and a GUARD walks
into the room.
BURNS
Now Miss Simpson, I had no intention
of selling you. There’s no market
for children these days. No I recall
that Doctor Olbermann had requested
to perform certain, experiments, on
your sister that I didn’t allow at
the time. I had other needs for her,
you see.
LISA
E-experiments?
BURNS
Hmm yes, it’s all very technical
something to do with (seems to
struggle) nano-technology. (To
Olbermann) Doctor, would you care to
explain?
OLBERMANN
If you insist, Mien Herr.
Olbermann approaches Lisa, who stares back
defiantly.
OLBERMANN
I believe that your “sister”
explained something of what she is,
ja?
LISA
Why are you doing this?
OLBERMANN
Answer my question!
LISA
Yes she did, now you answer mine.
OLBERMANN
Very well. I’m sure you know what a
nano-machine is? Microscopic robots
that can re-arrange matter at it’s
most basic level.
Olbermann begins pacing.
OLBERMANN
(Animated) I have been researching
this field for almost fifteen years.
With this technology, I can
manipulate the DNA of any individual,
alter their genetic code to produce
whatever I wanted.
LISA
If you can do all of this, then why
didn’t you use it to cu-?
OLBERMANN
You must be joking. I’d be putting
thousands of doctors out of business.
Besides, it’s boring. I wanted to
produce the ultimate spy, and with
the funding of Herr Burns I was able
to do so.
LISA
You do know that this is illegal.
BURNS
I’m beginning to tire of your
incessant prattling. (To guard) Have
her prepared and taken to a cell.
Then await further instructions.
The guard unties Lisa and pulls her from the
chair. They begin walking to where the panel
opened up earlier, the guard holding Lisa's arm
tightly. The panel opens.
LISA
You can’t do this to me.
BURNS
Oh? I thought I already had.
Goodbye Lisa, or should I say... 42.
(Begins to laugh maniacally)
BLACKNESS
Burns laughter fades away. There is a loud
buzzing noise and a door opens, faintly
illuminating a sterile cell. In the doorway, a
guard (ALEXI, Russian) holds LISA, who is wearing
a grey uniform. Behind Alexi is stood GÜNTHER,
holding a small gun. Alexi roughly throws Lisa
into the cell, where she lands badly and
whimpers.
ALEXI
Hey Günther, we have not used cell
for many years. Why now?
GÜNTHER
The doctor has this one on Section
two.
ALEXI
Ah! (To Lisa) Hear that little girl?
Doc has you for special project da?
Enjoy life while you still have it.
GÜNTHER
(Almost pleading) Alexi, she has
enough to worry about without your
sadist comments
Günther activates the door control, then both
guards turn and walk away.
ALEXI
You are new here, da?
GÜNTHER
So?
Lisa runs up to the door as it slams shut. The
cell is plunged into semi-darkness.
ALEXI
You learn soon enough, she is only
subject, after all.
The lights come on. Lisa crawls into the corner
of the cell and curls up. She begins to cry
softly.
<TO BE CONTINUED... >
Notes:
Well having now read the script, you may have
noticed one or two things. First and foremost,
although it is intended to be a comic, It is in
fact written as a screenplay... sort of. This is
how I originally envisioned Lisa^2 being
published, but I soon realised that this would
not be so. Of course, I had already started
writing the thing, so I couldn’t really change
the format without confusing myself.
Finally, I’d like to say thank-you to a few
people.
Steven Scott - for his excellent script, Lisa the
Telepath, and for letting me use said script in a
comic, and also for his input into this script...
Adam Pulver, of the Simpsons Fanscripts Central,
in advance of him posting this script...
Christina Nordlander – For her comments on the
script.
My brother, David, for not forcing me off the
computer in the evenings...
And finally, everyone who has written to
NetComix, telling me how much they like/hate me,
my ideas, want to kill my family etc.
Part two will come soon.