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DIVORCE: LAMPOONING GOD’S BEAUTIFUL STORY
Jeremiah 3:6-10; Psalm 147:1-6; 1 Corinthians 7:10-16; Matthew 5:31-32
Dan Claire
June 2, 2012
This is a message about divorce, the fifth in a series on love and relationships. There's not a
person I know whose life hasn't been altered in one way or another by divorce. If you aren't
yourself a divorcee, chances are that your parents are divorced, or some other close friend or
relative. Divorce affects all of us, and that's why we all need to know what the Bible says about it.
But divorce is never the end of the story. God has some something beautiful in store.
GOD'S BEAUTIFUL STORY
God hates divorce because it mocks and lampoons his beautiful story, the story told in the Bible, a
story of marriage. The Bible begins with a wedding (Genesis 2:20-25), ends with a wedding
(Revelation 21:2; 22:17), and the entire intervening story is all about marriage, though not
directly about the human institution of marriage.
Human marriage in the Bible is a shadow, a foretaste, of the great marriage yet to come, when
God makes all things new and lives forever with his people. At the end of the Bible (Revelation
19:6-10) is a great wedding feast in which Jesus comes as the groom for his bride, the church.
One of the most wonderful things about this story is that anyone can be included, by becoming a
follower of Jesus. All people, whether single or married or divorced or widowed or gay–all are
invited. Believe in Jesus Christ and you can be there too (Romans 3:22-24).
Not only does God's beautiful story end with a cosmic wedding between Jesus and his followers,
but the whole story leading up to it is about the marriage of God and his people.
•
Marriage. God made a covenant with Abraham, that Abraham's descendants would
belong to the Lord, and the Lord would be their God (Genesis 15). God and his people
got married. •
Infidelity. But when the descendants of Abraham became a great nation living in the
promised land, God's people fell away from faith and into apostasy. In the Old Testament
story, this apostasy was repeatedly described in terms of adultery, or infidelity, of God's
bride (e.g. Ezekiel 16). Israel's turn toward idolatry was described as voluntary
prostitution. God's response was gracious. He sought reconciliation with his spouse. He
tried everything from showering Israel with blessings to tough love. But nothing worked. •
Divorce. God eventually divorced his people (Jeremiah 3). They had to move out of the
promised land and shack up with their lovers, the gods of their conquerors. GATHERING SUNDAYS AT 5 PM AT 801 NORTH CAROLINA AVE. SE, WASHINGTON, DC 20003
2000 P ST NW, SUITE 410 WASHINGTON, DC 20036
REZCHURCH.ORG | [email protected] | 202.573.8586
•
Reconciliation. It was into that world, the world of God's broken marriage, that Jesus
was born (Matthew 1). He came to invite everyone to the great marriage yet to come
(Luke 14:7-24). First the Jews, because God graciously still offers them reconciliation. And
then the Gentiles, because God desires all people–every nation–to join his family. Every
person, regardless of nationality or marital status or sexual history, can profess faith in
Jesus Christ, experience complete cleansing through Jesus' forgiveness of sins, and become
part of God's great family.
•
Finally, God's Great Wedding Feast in the consummation of all things (Revelation
19:6-10).
That's God's Beautiful Story. It’s far better than any fairy tale, because it’s real and true, and
we're all invited to participate. Somehow, we've all been fooled into thinking that if we could just
find our soulmate, then we'd live happily ever after. But the truth is, everyone remains incomplete
and unfulfilled apart from Jesus. The Lord Jesus loves us, and our hearts are restless until they
find their rest in him. 1
LAMPOONING GOD'S BEAUTIFUL STORY Divorce lampoons God's Beautiful Story. Divorce is a heckler in the audience, making rude noises
and shouting obscenities while God sings his incomparable Song of Redemption. God is big enough to take the heckling. Nevertheless, he does want his story told faithfully. That’s
why He calls out divorce here and there throughout the Bible, always identifying it as a mocker,
to keep it from disfiguring the Beautiful Story. Divorce never gets the spotlight because it's an
impostor and not the real thing. Everything God says about divorce can't be found in one chapter of the Bible. The Bible simply
wasn't written that way. Thankfully, it's much more story than encyclopedia, so it takes some work
to cull together what it says on a particular topic. In what remains, we’ll overview what the Bible
says about divorce. Follow up on the references and footnotes if you want to dig deeper.2
DIVORCE SHOULD ALWAYS BE A LAST RESORT
As we’ve seen, God’s Beautiful Story is about the big picture of marriage, between God and his
people. The human institution of marriage is a foretaste of this great marriage. One might think
that God wouldn't care very much about these little copies. But as it turns out, God is heavily
invested in every single one of them.
From God's perspective, marriage is more than just a contract, it's a covenant (Malachi
2:14). That is, marriage is not a two-person agreement between a man and a woman, but a threeway public covenant involving the man, the woman, and God himself. There are usually other
1
Augustine of Hippo. Confessions. I.1.
2
See Dr. David Instone-Brewer’s excellent resource page, www.divorce-remarriage.com.
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witnesses, but God is always the primary witness in a marriage, regardless of whether the
wedding took place in a church or not. The Bible also teaches God's agency in bringing a man and a woman together. Jesus says, "What
God has joined together let no man tear asunder" (Matthew 19:6; Mark 10:9). In other words,
don't mess with marriage, because every marriage belongs to God.
In a lonely world full of foolish romantics, twenty-four hour wedding chapels, and no-fault
divorce, why is God still so heavily invested in every marriage? Because marriage plays such an
important role in our symbolic universe, in pointing us to God's Beautiful Story (Ephesians
5:32). Why shouldn't anyone tear asunder what God has joined together? Because God intends
each and every marriage to be a billboard for the big picture, of his marriage to his people. Before a couple marries, God forbids any kind of sexual intimacy. As soon as the minister
pronounces them husband and wife, however, not only does God permit sexual intimacy, He
requires it. Meanwhile, sex with anyone or anything else is out of the question.
Sex within marriage is a physical demonstration of what God has done in making the two one
flesh. It's a physical demonstration of the very heart of every covenant, namely, faithfulness.
Infidelity, on the other hand, tears the one flesh. One act of infidelity is absolutely devastating to
a marriage covenant. The one flesh of marriage is ripped and bleeding, the marriage covenant
on life support. Repeated infidelity results in the one flesh being torn completely in two, the
covenant being completely broken.
Divorce, then, is a formal acknowledgement that what God once joined together has now been
torn asunder by man. Divorce is the coroner's report on a body that's been hacked to pieces. It's a
public declaration that in this particular case, evil has triumphed over good. Unlike God's
Beautiful Story that does have a happy ending, the story of this particular human marriage has
come to a tragic end. It shouldn't be this way.
Every marriage, no matter how ill-conceived, is precious in God's eyes. He doesn't want any
marriage ripped in half. That's why God says divorce is to be avoided at all costs. It should always
be a last resort. We live in a culture that says otherwise. Divorce is relatively easy, and socially inconsequential.
While God sees every divorce as a catastrophe, our society regards it as more of a misfortune. Christians are aliens and strangers in such a world. We are people who pray for married couples
to overcome estrangement and stick together. We come alongside couples who are struggling and
offer to help. When friends file for divorce, we lovingly ask, "Have you really tried everything to
repair what is broken in your marriage?" Christians who are married must be especially vigilant
to keep divorce off the table. No matter how irritated you are with your spouse, you must never
in your anger utter the “D-word.” Eliminate it from your vocabulary and from your thought life,
because God says divorce should always be a last resort. This is the first and most important of
God's instructions about divorce.
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DIVORCE IS SOMETIMES NECESSARY
Nevertheless, God’s Word teaches that divorce is sometimes necessary. Under certain
circumstances, divorce is not the lesser of two evils, but the righteous and appropriate thing to do. When is divorce necessary? God permits divorce in instances of infidelity of one sort or another,
which I summarize as adultery, abandonment, and abuse:
•
Adultery is any sort of sexual infidelity, through which a couple's physical union is
ripped in two. In Matthew 5:31-32, Jesus mentions sexual infidelity as a legitimate reason
for divorce. Adultery usually involves physical contact with another human being, though
in some instances today it can be total fantasy through the use of pornography. •
Abandonment is infidelity to the marriage covenant, in terms of remaining together
until death us do part. The Apostle Paul mentions this in 1 Corinthians 7:15, where he
writes, "if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister
is not enslaved. God has called you to peace." When the Old Testament was written, the
culture of ancient Israel had a fairly precise understanding of what abandonment
entailed, because the needs of couples were defined as being food, clothing, and sexual
intercourse, and all three of these needs required the participation of both spouses.3 E.g.
Food, the husband might grow it, and the wife cook it. E.g. Clothing, the husband might
shear the sheep, and the wife weave the sweater. In any case, if either partner refused to
contribute or help in one of these areas, it was considered abandonment, and was
grounds for divorce. In our culture, abandonment includes long-term separation, or
developing a deep intimacy with someone else–a kind of surrogate marriage–even if it
lacks any kind of sexual contact.
•
Abuse is infidelity to the marriage covenant, in terms of loving and cherishing one's
spouse. Spouse abuse is not explicitly mentioned as cause for divorce in the Bible, but it's a
pretty obvious inference, both as an extension of the abandonment provision, as well as a
huge biblical theme of God's concern for the weak and vulnerable. Abuse is vandalism
against another image of God--in this case, one's covenant partner.
Adultery, Abandonment, Abuse summarize what God describes as legitimate reasons for divorce,
though usually they do not necessitate divorce. Remember the most important rule is that divorce
should always be a last resort. So in cases of adultery, abandonment or abuse, we need wisdom to
know whether divorce is the righteous and appropriate response.
Yes, if your spouse gets caught up into pornography, then you have entered into the realm in
which divorce is permissible. But just because it's permissible doesn't make it necessary or
beneficial. Pornography is serious. It's infidelity that rips a marriage covenant into two. But
divorce should always be a last resort. Don't even think about divorce until you've exhausted the
alternatives to find healing for your marriage. 3
David Instone-Brewer, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible. Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 2002.
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Some might ask, "But doesn't Jesus say that it's ok?" All of the New Testament teaching on
divorce happened within a culture similar to ours, in which no-fault divorce had become
mainstream. One of the Jewish sects of the day had adopted a liberal reinterpretation of the Old
Testament prohibition against divorce, such that a man could divorce his wife under any
circumstances. So Jesus and the Apostles responded with a consistent message that says "no" to
no-fault divorce, but leaves room for legitimate reasons when divorce is necessary (i.e. the 3 A's).
The overall objective of the New Testament was to reign in a so-called freedom that was
wreaking havoc in first century culture.
The point at which divorce becomes absolutely necessary is whenever a spouse's infidelity is
unrepentant, willful, and unresponsive to correction. The supreme example of this in the Bible is
the relentless apostasy of Israel. After trying to work things out for literally hundreds of years,
God's patience finally expires, and Israel is carted off into exile (Jeremiah 3). Likewise in human
marriage. When after exhausting every alternative there's no other way forward, then divorce
becomes necessary. Why? Again, the ultimate rationale is God's Beautiful Story. When a
marriage is so broken that it fails to serve in any way as a billboard for God's love for his people,
then it's time to put it out of its misery. By the way, there is absolutely nothing "Christlike" in staying in a relationship in which you are
being physically or sexually abused by someone else. This is not part of what it means for you to
pick up your cross and follow Jesus. If your spouse is abusing you in some way, come talk with me
and let me help protect you.
Some might say, "This sounds pretty legalistic. Isn't Christianity all about grace?" Yes. Absolutely.
God graciously welcomes sinners like you and me into his family, no questions asked. And then
he teaches us how to live as Christians, in order that we become more and more like Jesus.
Faithfulness is a fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22) and vitally important for Christians.
Yet even outside the church in the broader culture, we expect and demand fidelity in the
institutions that we value the most. There's no huge public backlash against Robert Hanssen's life
imprisonment for selling classified information to the Russians. People aren't rioting in the streets
that Opera Software is suing its former employee who sold their secrets to Mozilla. The
government and large corporations offer no leniency to traitors because infidelity is tremendously
expensive. The fact that we expect leniency after marital infidelity reveals how little we value
marriage. God hates infidelity in marriage because from his perspective infidelity is so costly; it
mocks and lampoons his Beautiful Story. That's why divorce is sometimes necessary.
GOD SAYS DIVORCE SHOULD ALWAYS HAPPEN IN THE CHURCH
As Christians we believe that it's God, rather than the government, who consecrates a marriage.
That's why we prefer to do weddings in the church rather than the courthouse. That's why our
wedding services look so much like normal worship services, in which in addition to all the other
stuff we usually do, two people also happen to get married. No matter how the government may
redefine marriage in the years to come, we'll keep on doing weddings in the church until Christ
returns and God's Beautiful Story reaches its consummation. 5
But what about divorce? If weddings happen in the church, where should we do divorces? This is
an area in which the church has miserably failed. Divorce should happen in the church, too.
1 Corinthians 7 is a long chapter giving all kinds of instructions related to marriage, divorce,
singleness, sex, etc. And though it’s the longest such chapter, most of the New Testament epistles
include some teaching on this topic, because the early Christians lived in a no-fault divorce
culture, and they needed help constructing a healthy counter-culture. Thus, the New Testament
envisions the church as a community in which ethical problems are sorted out together.
What's happened, though, is that divorce is so ugly and humiliating (especially for those who had
their wedding at the very same church) that divorcees have tended to duck and hide, and the
church doesn’t have the courage to pursue them. Divorcees end up being treated like second class
citizens or worse. It ought not to be this way. Instead, the church ought to be a married couple's
primary resource for exhausting all possible alternatives to divorce. The church ought to be the
place where divorcees come for answers and affection. And the church ought to be the place in
which divorce happens whenever it's clearly the righteous and appropriate thing to do.
In his message on The Pattern of Marriage, Matthew Mason explained what God says about
headship & submission in marriage. Headship and submission only work within a larger
ecosystem of spiritual authority, which is what we try to foster within our church. As a
community of believers, we all speak for the Lord to some degree, and the circle of friends
around a particular couple in the church will have more responsibility for aiding that couple in
working through conflict. But when all else fails, as ordained elders Matthew & I represent God
in marital disputes within our church. Our bishop Steve is over us, and the House of Bishops in
Rwanda is over him. We can neither authorize a divorce nor remarry a divorcee without our
bishop's permission. This is a huge blessing, because it strengthens the resources at our disposal
for working things out. It also means that if our community is involved in a divorce, and as a
community we agree that the divorce is necessary, then there's no room for gossip or secondguessing about what happened. We stay together as a family. And since God’s Word teaches that
a legitimate divorce renders a person free to remarry, the whole church can be supportive in such
circumstances. One final benefit is that whenever we walk through a divorce together as a community, there are
ripple effects throughout the other marriages in the church. Twenty years ago I was involved in
counseling and helping a young couple who were separated and contemplating divorce because
of the husband's infidelity. They had been part of the church, but when their marriage fell apart
they stopped attending. So part of what I tried to do in addition to marriage counseling was to
get them back into regular worship. The Sunday that they came back to worship was a day when
our church finalized another divorce in the congregation. I'd never been part of anything like this
before. It was a nasty situation involving the husband running off with another woman. He was
unrepentant and spewing hatred toward his wife. So after exhausting all other possibilities, the
church leaders publicly declared for the entire congregation their support for the wife proceeding
with the divorce, as well as all the steps they had taken to try to bring the husband to repentance.
They were very gracious, and it was one of those instances in which their kindness towards the
man ended up heaping burning coals on his head, revealing the intensity of his selfishness and
hatred toward his family. 6
When the young couple heard all of this, it was a serious wake-up call, with the result being that
the husband in particular was grieved for his selfishness, and he came back to his wife in genuine
humility and repentance. They were completely reconciled and their marriage was restored. And
who knows how many other marriages were strengthened that same day?
This is why divorce should always happen in the church, among the people of God, who all have
in common the forgiveness of sin and reconciliation with our estranged Heavenly Father. All our
problems, all our difficulties, all the devil's works, all our broken relationships, together we send to
the cross of Christ.
DIVORCE IS NOT THE LAST WORD
Think of all the people you know who’ve been hurt by divorce. Think of all those who are
estranged from God and the church because of it. Our God is understanding beyond measure.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). This promise is for
everyone, but especially for divorcees, because our God is also a divorcee. He suffered the
humiliation of being abandoned and rejected, of being duped again and again through Israel's
half-hearted attempts to work it out. And he eventually had to make the decision to walk away
from his broken marriage, to get a divorce. He knows how it feels.
In the time of the flood, God rescued Noah and wrote his eternal promise of mercy in the colors
of the rainbow across the sky. And again, when God went through divorce, he didn’t abandon
the world to destruction. Through Jesus Christ, he made a way for all people to join his eternal
family and to experience the assurance of his abiding faithfulness. He gave us another sign, the
sign of the cross, to remind us of his faithfulness and love. For God, divorce was not the last
word. Rather, he promises a wedding to literally end all weddings in the consummation, when
Jesus comes again.
Divorce is not the last word for anyone who chooses to believe in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Regardless of your marital status, you don't have to be bitter, and you don't have to be alone. Put
your faith in Jesus, and come take your seat at his table. He welcomes our restless hearts to find
their true home in him.
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