You are invited to attend
THE PARLIAMENT OF TROLLS
“Troll-Thing” or “Ettinmoot”
“The London floods only prove what we all know, that False Guinevere is not mistress
of the elements, much less master, and no Pendragon. The Pendragon must be strong,
like Trolls are strong. Like I am strong!” – King Lot of Orkady
King Lot invites all true-blooded trolls to Bedegraine to contend the
rulership of London, of Albion and of New Camelot and decide who is to
be KING OF ALL THE TROLLS! Bedegraine is an Unseelie Realm, but
stout hearted Seelie Trolls will not tremble to attend!
Your tournament commentators
Korrigan ferch Nud
Redcap Jester
Yorick Brandworthy
Verbena Mage
Three times winner of the Feast of Fools (she ate
the other fools – geddit?!?!?) and scatological
stand-up comic. Korrigan hosts her own webzine
“Fairy My A$$” at mistsmademeforget.fae
Known for his political pamphlets and scathing
oratories, Yorick is the author of Antedulivians,
Fomorians & Capitalist Conspiracy Theories.
He’s a practising druid and part-time werewolf.
The Candidates
King Lot of Orkady
Estranged husband of Morgause of Gorre, father of the Orkady
Brothers (Agravain, Gawain, Gareth, Gaheris)
K: A big dude with a big ‘tude. He called this Thing and he ain’t going home without the throne.
Y: That’s right Korrie: he’s the pookas’ favourite with odds of 5-2. But one thing: he doesn’t need to
go home; he’s on his home turf.
Sir Agravaine of Gorre
Son of Lot and Morgause, loyal to Morgan La Fey of Gorre
Y: Lot’s son, with all the old man’s aggression but a dash of modern sensibility. Might appeal to the
21st century trolls
K: Don’t think they’re that big a demographic Yorick – most trolls like their politics medieval. Horned
helmets and ‘more-ale-wench’ is their style!
Sir Gaheris of Cameliard
Son of Lot and Morgause, loyal to Guinevere of Cameliard
K: A seelie troll, now that’s more like it. Loyal as a lamppost and stout-hearted as a ball of twine.
Basically, Queen Jenny’s yard-dog.
Y: That yard-dog has a bite on him, Korrie. He’s a traditionalist who likes things the way they used to
be – as in, back in the 5th century.
Sir Gareth of Cameliard
Son of Lot and Morgause, loyal to Guinevere of Cameliard
K: More Orkady brothers?!?! How many did Morgause squeeze out?!??! Those satyresses must have
rubber hymens!
Y: That’s *Queen* Morgause, Korrie, and she’s here too. In fact, she’s looking at you right now….
Queen Morgause of Gorre
Sister of Morgan La Fey and estranged wife of King Lot, mother
of the Orkady Brothers, Satyr sorceress
Y: Korrigan’s indisposed right now, but I’ve got the opportunity to share a few words with Her
Highness Queen Morgause Morcades. How would you describe your role at this parliament, Your
Grace?
QM: An onlooker, darling, just an onlooker, like yourself. Of course, I’m supporting all my boys, every
darling one of them.
Y: And King Lot, their father and your former husband?
QM: Lot is fine troll, a fine, upstanding, lusty troll with arms like great knotted… well, ahem, there’s
nothing between us now, but I wish him well.
TBC
Bors of Ganis
Independent troll with a Holding in the Forest of Broceliande
Y: Still no Korrigan, and no Bors of Ganis either. Will the ‘People’s Troll’ make a showing? Tongues
are still talking about the Great Kraken he slew in the Cameliard floods and whether this means his
loyalty is to Guinevere now.
Kay the Tall of Kaer Goch
Independent Ogre of Bedegraine, nominally loyal to King Lot
Y: Ah, Korrigan, back in humanoid form. Did your time as a toad give you an insight into Kay Hir?
K: Bleugh. Kay the Tall, biggest, meanest and badass-est in a room of badasses. If might makes right,
then he’s not going to be in the wrong.
Hengist Jute of House Balor
Sidhe lord of House Balor, loyal to Morgan La Fey of Gorre,
claims overlordship of the trolls through an ancient pact
K: Wow-sa! Tall, dark and broodysexy, you can colour me INFATUATED. Look at the way those dark
robes just hang off him. Yummy! I could EAT him up.
Y: Some are dismissing him as a joke candidate though, Korrie, since he’s not even a troll.
K: Troll schmoll. He’s descended from Fomorians! You can’t BUY that sort of pedigree!
Gawain of Cameliard
Y: Bit of a mystery figure, this one.
K: Yup Yorick, recently switched allegiance to the Seelie Court, rumoured to be half-mad with
Bedlam, widely thought to be as politically relevant as a garden gnome. Nice sword, though.
TBC
King Uriens of Gorre
Husband of Morgan La Fey
Y: Any chance of Morgana’s husband showing?
K: Only if she takes her thumb off his head and lets him out of the bedroom.
TBC
King Carados of Escoce
Independent troll of Listenoise, nominally loyal to King Lot
K: Here’s an interesting one; so where *is* Escoce?
Y: Scotland? Somewhere north of Listenoise anyway. They call this lunk the “King of the Wasteland”
and he supposedly owes Lot big time. Might be a surprise contender.
Enid the Silent
Independent Seelie Troll
K: Speaking of surprise contenders – a LADY TROLL?!?! A troll-ess? Are those pecks or boobs? Or
both?
Y: I’d keep your voice down Korrie – Enid has sworn to speak to no man who cannot beat her in single
combat. I think she’s got something to say to you though….
Redhilda Valkyrie
Unseelie Troll sorceress
Y: Korrie’s had to step out, so I’ll just read from my crib sheet on this one – a troll sorceress of the Old
Religion. Her website calls her a technopagan virtual-valkyrie. Not exactly standard for trolls, but
definitely my kind of girl.
THE FIVE TRIALS OF TROLLS
“Mixing the ancient with the modern, medieval with the new-media, the timehonoured trials re-imagined for a hipper, cooler, more bloody ass-kicking kind of 21st
century troll” – Redhilda Valkyrie
The Tourney – to the First Fall
K: Yay, Hulk Smash! Puny Humans! Trolls doing what trolls do best – breaking skulls.
Y: Still don’t know the details yet, like whether this is duels or grand melee, sole combatants or squires
and entourages…. But it promises to be a fantastic display of jotunic martial arts
The Saga – to the Greatest Tale
K: What’s this? Storytelling? Troll POETRY? Boo! Hiss!
Y: Actually, Korrigan, trolls have a vibrant artistic heritage and a troll ruler is expected to be a bard as
well as a warrior, a man of words as well as weapons, a thinker as well as a… well, you get the idea
The Hunt – to the Finest Quarry
Y: Not sure about this – are we hunting stags through Lewisham?
K: Not stags, Yorick – Glamour! Definitely favours the Unseelie who can ravage without restriction,
and the local trolls who know where the best dreams go down
The Feast – to the Greatest Gift
Y: So, a prize for the best present?
K: Not just any present, it’s a Wassail, a dream-made-real. Trolls will be forging magic swords and
carving runic spells in advance of this and bringing a Dreamer along to make them real.
The Acclaim – to the Majority
Y: Then everybody votes? I like that: grassroots democracy in an organic folk community
K: Votes? Shouts, more like. Most trolls can’t count past their fingers, so the name that gets the loudest
roar carries the day, or that gets the most allies when the post-shouting fight breaks out!