Grade 10 Unit 2 EA 1 Writing a Narrative
Score: Exemplary
Hope. Hope is what I need right now; hope that things will turn out okay. But
deep inside, I think I know that it won’t be okay, that it won’t change. I can squirm,
writhe and scream, but it won’t be made just.
I clutched my Star of David in my clammy palm and began to recite a prayer.
“Adonai, have mercy on your people,” I murmured, swaying back and forth in my seat.
We, my family and I, were seized by the Nazis on The Night of Broken Glass. Now, with
our hopes decimated and despair clinging tenaciously to us, we were to be sent to
Buchenwald camp. Soon, I was to brave the furnaces and forced labor; they called it
“cleansing”, I called it hell.
After arriving to the barbed wire fences, we noticed plumes of smoke polluting
the air with their noxious gases; our people. My eyes brimmed with tears, and I turned
my face from the sight. Where was our great God that Rabbi Aapeli spoke of?
We were lined up, my mother and father in the lead, holding the hands of Tzeitel
and Achim. I lingered behind, with my beloved older brother Cephas.
“Don’t be afraid, Cephas. Elohim will deliver, like he promised,” I reassured,
comforting myself with my own words.
“I know he will deliver, Johanna,” he confirmed as he pressed his lips to my
forehead.
“Men to the left, women to the right!” a Nazi announced as we came to a fork in
the pathway. My eyes widened, my grasp tightening on Cephas’ hand. Cephas and I
held still, not daring to move.
“MEN TO THE LEFT, WOMEN TO THE RIGHT!” the Nazi yelled, prying me from
my brother.
“CEPHAS!!” I cried, not wanting to lose him. Cephas resisted the men for some
fleeting seconds before the butt of a gun collided sickeningly with his head. I gasped as
he crumpled to the ground, unconscious. Immediately after I stopped struggling, the
Nazis threw me to the mud. I rose, tears streaming down my face as I ran toward my
mother.
The Nazis then separated us, children and adults, prying my younger siblings
from my protesting mother. After they were successfully taken from her, she stood taller,
and refused to cry for me. Feeling ashamed of my tears, I quickly swiped them away for
my mother’s sake.
The Nazi then told us to undress. My face went up in flames, my ears bright red.
Undress in front of a man?! Most of the women refused to undress, and stood there
until the Nazis pulled out guns and commanded us to undress. In a split second, my
clothing was off, and I was left bare in the middle of the rain. My face remained the
same bright red.
They herded us toward a tile room. When I realized we where we were going, my
heart went into overdrive: showers. Would my life already end?! Is this punishment for
my sins, to be eaten away by acid and toxic gases?
When we began to shuffle into the room, I seized my Star of David, and begged
for forgiveness. “Adonai, forgive me! I have sinned against you, but please, let your
mercy reign; please, deliver your chosen people!” I hushedly prayed, collapsing to the
floor. I heard gasps, screams and cries fill the room. I covered my ears, not wanting to
accept my punishment. I yelped when a stream of warm liquid collided with my back.
Hundreds of others soon joined it beating a soft rhythm against my back. It then dawned
on me: this wasn’t acid, it was water!! I yelled out in joy as other voices joined mine. I
thanked the Lord for my life and for His mercy.
My hopes slightly replenished, I smiled for the first time since I arrived. If God
could save me now, he could save me again. I stood taller, feeling more prepared for
what lay ahead. Just as I emerged from the showers, American planes flew overhead: A
promise.
Score: Exemplary
Annotation:
The engaging opening of this Exemplary narrative brings the reader into the world of the
story by creating a tone of desperation with the words “squirm, writhe and, scream.”
This evocative use of diction is a characteristic of this sophisticated and compelling
narrative about a subject that could have relied on cliché and stereotypical
development. In this case careful pacing, detailed description and brief dialogue all
work together to create a sequence of events that presents a crystalized moment. The
opening clearly orients the reader to the context and the point of view with vivid imagery
and telling details such as “barbed wire fences” and “plumes of smoke” that define the
setting and the tone. The familiar context is further developed by the action of the story,
in which the narrator is dramatically separated from her family and the dialogue is
related directly to that action. The story moves to the next incident, creating a sense of
dreadful expectation that is relieved by an unexpected turn of events. The conclusion
brings the story full circle with a hopeful ending: the promise of delivery. The story
exhibits a mastery of conventions and a special attention to the use of precise and
evocative diction.
Grade 10 Unit 2 EA 1 Writing a Narrative
Score: Proficient
My parents died in a car crash when I was one. They were hit head on by a
drunk driver, driving over 70mph on a stormy night. I have been in an orphanage since
that day. I don’t have a lot of friends at the orphanage, having been known as the shy
quiet type doesn’t really make people want to talk to you. Growing up with at least 100
other orphans doesn’t get a lot of attention. Todays my first day of Middle School. I
know where all my classes are and I have met all my teachers but I’m still nervous
because I'm worried that I won’t fit in and that I won’t belong.
As I straggled into the school at 8:10 and started to walk to my class I walked by
a big group of people. I heard them whisper, “She doesn’t even have a family, how sad
is that!” I kept walking without making eye contact with anyone. I was hearing stuff like
that all day. One person in my math class even said, “Wow there must be something
seriously wrong with her if nobody wants her.” I was so miserable and embarrassed. I
knew what they were saying had to be true. All I wanted to do was crawl up into fetal
position and cry.
At lunch I didn't know where to sit so I waited in the bathroom 5 minutes after
lunch had started. I walked over to an empty table, and as everyones chatter turned into
mush, I started to eat. A group of kids gathered around me and started to tantalize me
saying “What's wrong with you?” “Why didn't your real family want you?” “How much do
you cost I bet you’re only like $10”. I almost started to bawl when a girl who had
overheard came over and said “At least her new family will gets to choose her, your
families are stuck with you.” The group looked at her in awe then she said, “Maybe her
parents had to give her up because they couldn't handle how marvelous she is.”
The pests shuffled away and the girl sat down and introduced herself. “Hi I’m Millie”
Still in shock I managed to reply “Hi I’m Abby, and thanks for doing that.”
She responded with “Hey! No big deal they're just being jerks don't let them get to you.”
“Thanks.” I muttered.
We continued to talk for the rest of lunch and realized that we actually had classes
together.
Later Millie asked “Hey, did you maybe want to hang out after school today?”
“Sure! That will be fun!”
“Great! I think my parents are home, maybe you can meet them!”
I nervously replied “Oh okay, Cool.”
We rode Millies bus home and walked up to a huge gray house with white shutters and
two large pillars by the front door, it looked like a house from a movie. As soon as we
walked in we were greeted by her parents. Millie introduced me to her parents who were
extremely nice. Since that day I went over to Millie's house everyday after school and
stayed for dinner. To this day never would I have thought that my best friend would
become my sister.
]
Score: Proficient
Annotation:
This Proficient exemplar is characterized by a consistent point of view, a well-developed
conflict, and a satisfying resolution. The reader is immediately oriented to the context of
the narrative in the opening paragraph, where we are introduced to and begin to identify
with the main character. The sequence of the story is clear because the dialogue and
transitional phrases move the story forward with ease and interest. The vivid use of
verbs such as “straggled” and “shuffled” that help the reader visualize and understand
the situation facing the main character is especially notable. Dialogue that moves the
action of the story forward is central to the narrative and adds depth and insight to the
action of the story. In general, this exemplar also shows command of conventions,
though more work is indicated in the area of dialogue conventions. The narrative
includes a satisfying variety of sentence structures and appropriate diction for the
cultural context of a middle school student trying to fit into a generally hostile social
milieu.
Grade 10 Unit 2 EA 1 Writing a Narrative
Score: Emerging
In a castle so far way, their once was a girl named Rapunzel. As a chid she was
cursed by a wizard named Leonidas, every night she was turned into a huge creature
with sharp teeth and wings. Her parents had no choice, but to send her across the world
so that they were safe from her. She was locked away in an underground castle in
England. Unfortunately for her the only way she can return to normal was from a kiss
from her true love.
For many years pass by, she was still locked in her underground castle where
she can’t escape from. She prayed every day for her hero to save her. There was a
man named Donta Mars, who digs holes for a living, had a big job that took over 3
months to dig. After all his hard work he finally reached the end and found a huge
cavern that lead to a castle underground. When Donta went up to the door he saw lots
of locks, but also a note that warned what was inside. Donta then used his tools to
break the doors down to go in and check what’s inside.
Rapunzel was upstairs crying her eyes out wishing she could get out of this
torturing place, but then she heard a big loud noise coming from down stairs. She ran
down as fast as she could to check it out and it turned out someone had open the door
to the entrance, she looked at who did it and it was a man. She thought she was
dreaming for a second, but it turns out she wasn’t. She went to go see who he was and
see if he’s the one to lift the curse from her.
After he got done with the door he looked around, but then he stop when he
heard loud thumping noises. He looked around, but then saw a beautiful woman whose
hair was long enough to touch the floor and clothe that was torn up and dirty. They were
both face to face with each other looking at each other like they already met. They both
felt like love at first sight, but they wanted to know each other better. Rapunzel said,’ My
name is Rapunzel what is your name?’ he hesitated for a second and then said, ‘My
name is Donta’. After the introduction they both started to get to know each other and
why she is here.
Just when everything went well she stared to change into a mini version of a
dragon. Still she had some of her features. She cried. Donta was not frighten at all he
just took her hand and looked her in the eyes. He said ‘I love you’ and next thing you
know he kissed her. She felt so much love that it felt like God has bless her and with
that she was changing back to the way she was. It was shocking to her she waited so
long for her hero to show whoever knew it would take this long.
They both left that damn castle for good and they both were going to live their
lives together and live happily ever after, but they didn’t know that someone was
watching them leave. It was the same man who had change her in the first place, it was
Leonidas. He only watch them leave while he was thinking, ‘she doesn’t know what
really cursed her in the first place’. He disappear not leaving a trace and waited for her
to realize what she really was cursed with, but how long before she will realize this one?
Score: Emerging
Annotation:
This Emerging exemplar takes a traditional fairy tale perspective with dragons and
ladies waiting to be saved by true love as its cultural perspective, but without the details
and language to represent it with fidelity or creativity. The characters are barely
developed, relying on stock characters of fairy tale lore. Dialogue is not used to develop
character or move the plot. Description is limited and does little to engage and orient
the reader. The conclusion ends stereotypically except for the tiny twist at the end that
prepares the reader for a sequel. All in all, the events of the story provide little to
create interest. The language of the narrative is inconsistent and shows a lack of
command of diction, formal language, and shows some problems with conventions of
spelling and verb use.
Grade 10 Unit 2 EA 1 Writing a Narrative
Score: Incomplete
Gametime, the game is about to kickoff ea vs. St.amant the biggest game of the
year! Kickoff team, yells coach tj. The kickoff team runs on the field, lets go guys stay in
your lanes and get down field.
The game is underway as ea kicks off, derrion morris on the tackel,’’yells the
announcer. 1st def ball on the 20 yard line strong right, yells malcolm. ‘’new york’’, i
scream as they hike the ball. ‘’rush the hole!’’ ‘’crack’’ chris hagan on the tackel 2nd
down the announcer says.
‘’boston, boston’’ yelled malcolm. Down ste hut the qb drops back attempting to
pass, he see’s a wr down field he passes ‘’interception!’’ block i yelld as rondey was
running down the field. ‘’touchdown’’ the announcer sayed. The field goal team rushing
the field, its’ good.
Halftime is right there we have to hold them guys. Defense get on the field and
they rushed the field. Coach st.peirre yells chris the call is newyork ok coach i
sayed.down, set, hut the ball snaps 2nd down, 3rd down to 4th down. ‘’punt team tj yells
let it role in the inzone ill take it at the 20.
‘’1st down ea, says the announcer. Let’s go hurry the hell up! Down, set, hut the
ball snaps, good run josh get on the ball run it. Down set hut throw the ball touchdown!
Ea scorce the field goal unit lines up on the ball it’s good the kick goes in for the etra
point ea leads it
The 4th quarter is under way it’s very intense as st.amant gets the ball and lines
up on the 20 yard line. The defense looks hungry and angry and takes it to the gators all
the way to 4th down. There going for it denfese hold them, good job as the hold them
strong.
With 2 mins on the clock ea has it at the ten yard line, they have to move it
forward to put the game away. The qb drops back and see his changes to put the game
way and hits his mark which puts it out of reach for st.amant. With 1 min on the clock ea
holds st.amant and gets an overall win.
Score: Incomplete
Annotation:
This Incomplete exemplar is a clear example of a narrative that contains so many errors
that interfere with meaning so that the reader must work too hard to make sense of this
narrative of a football game from a first person point of view. It appears that the cultural
perspective that is being represented is one that has football as its focus. The language
of the perspective is perhaps the best feature of this writing. It is clearly full of the
language and jargon of football announcing and playing, and this is what moves the
narrative forward. Dialogue is present, but not correctly or clearly marked by
punctuation that makes clear who is saying what. The fast-paced action dominates the
narrative with little room for description or character development. With some focused
attention to the basic conventions of writing, this exemplar could easily have moved into
the Emerging and perhaps Proficient band.