Section 2.2, continued
Writing a Topic Sentence
Example 4:
Off the subject and purpose
Cars are status symbols in the United States
This sentence is not a good topic sentence for the given subject because it does not address the writer’s
favorite car. It might be a good topic sentence for a paragraph about the role that cars play in different
countries, but that’s not what your teacher asked you to address.
Example 5:
I love the Toyota Corolla because it gets good gas mileage.
Too narrow/Gives one detail
This is not a good topic sentence because it is too narrow. This sentence may be a good
reason why the writer’s favorite car is the Toyota Corolla, but how much more can the
writer say about this one idea? This sentence might be a great supporting detail sentence,
but it is too narrow to be a topic sentence unless the writer has a great deal of data about
the Toyota Corolla’s good gas mileage to write an entire paragraph about it.
Note: A common mistake students make when writing a topic sentence is to
include the first detail in the topic sentence. Then they go on to describe other
details. Remember that your topic sentence should not include a single detail unless
the entire paragraph is about that one detail. Be careful using because followed by one
detail in your topic sentence since it makes your topic sentence very narrow.
Let’s look at another topic for a paragraph. You decide to write a single narrative paragraph for the local paper, which
has asked students to write about children getting into mischief. The topic sentence for this prompt should introduce
the paragraph’s subject by introducing the story.
Good Topic Sentences
Example 6: My brother Eddie caused problems for the family and for himself.
This is a good topic sentence because it tells the reader the paragraph’s subject. The sentence is not too
narrow. It gives the writer a wide topic. The writer could go on to write about any experiences where her
brother caused problems.
Example 7:
My brother always seemed to find ways to get hurt.
This is another possible topic sentence. It gives the writer a chance to tell about the specific
incidents of how her brother got hurt. In constructing a good topic sentence, you must have a
single idea that you can combine with a specific purpose you have for the idea. For example,
break down the topic sentence above. The main single idea is “my brother,” and the specific
purpose is to show “how he got hurt.”
Bad Topic Sentences
Example 8: I am going to write about my brother.
No purpose
Example 9:
My brother could be a perfect angel.
Off the subject and purpose
Example 10:
My brother got his head shaved every summer.
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Too narrow/Gives one detail
Section 2.2
Writing a Paragraph
Section 4.1, continued
Writing the Introduction
Writing a Thesis Statement
The last sentence of your introductory paragraph should be your thesis statement. A thesis statement is the
controlling idea for the entire essay. A thesis statement serves the same purpose for an essay as a topic sentence serves
for a paragraph. The thesis statement will tell the reader what the essay will include.
Think of your thesis statement like a road map. If you are traveling to a place you have never
been, you need a road map to help guide you there. Your thesis statement guides your essay, and it
tells the reader where you are going. It should also help keep you on-topic and “on track” as you
write your essay.
Focus:
To write a thesis statement, you first must determine the focus of your essay.
The prompt gives you a general topic, but it will be up to you to determine a
specific focus. The focus narrows the general topic of the prompt into a
specific topic with a definite purpose. You will use your brainstorming ideas
to determine the purpose and topic of your focus.
You may remember that for the expository teaching prompt A, we decided to narrow our ideas to three rules that need
to be changed in the dress code. Notice that the prompt does not tell you to write about rules that need to be changed.
A student could write about why certain rules are important or why some rules are more necessary than others. Any of
these ideas could be the focus of the essay. In the example below, the focus is on rules that need to be changed. In this
example, the student thinks the tardy rule, the book bag rule, and the fifteen-minute rule need to be changed.
Example 13:
We need school rules because they are important. Rules help to keep us safe and promote
responsibility. They should be designed for the good of all students and for helping the school
be a better place to learn. However, some of the rules we have do not fit into either category,
and they need to be changed. If I could change some of the school rules, I would change
the tardy rule, the book bag rule, and the fifteen-minute rule.
Notice that the thesis statement explains the focus of the essay. In this case, the focus is on three rules that
need to be changed. The specific purpose is to change rules. The specific topic gives which rules. The rest of
the essay will discuss each rule and explain why each needs to be changed.
For the narrative teaching prompt B, we narrowed our ideas to one specific memory of playing at our grandparents’
house and three events that occurred in that memory. The prompt gives students freedom to write about any childhood
memory. Since this is a narrative prompt, a student could choose to write a story about a happy childhood memory, a
sad one, an important one, a fun-filled one, or a funny one. In the example below, the focus is on a student’s pleasant
childhood memory of the time she and her brother and sister used cushions to make pretend houses.
Example 14:
I have many pleasant memories of growing up. Most center around
playing at home with my brother and my sister. My favorite memory is
the time we used the sofa and chair cushions to build pretend houses.
Notice that this introductory paragraph is only three sentences long. The thesis
sentence is the last sentence. It introduces the story to follow about the student’s
childhood memory of making houses from cushions. The rest of the essay will tell a
story about this memory.
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Section 4.1
Writing a First Draft
Section 4.2, continued
Writing the Body
Can you pick out all the things that are wrong with these body paragraphs? First, the thesis sentence mentions
three rules that need to be changed, but there are only two body paragraphs. Next, the body paragraphs do not
even discuss the rules given in the thesis statement. The first body paragraph strays by talking about the dress
code, and that is not even in the thesis statement. The second body paragraph just rambles. It is not on the
second rule, the book bag rule. The sentences are off-topic. Finally, neither of these paragraphs follows our
general blueprint. Notice there is no conclusion given for either, and neither seems to have any specific focus.
Next let’s look at examples for the narrative essay.
Example 3:
Introductory Paragraph:
I have many pleasant memories of growing up. Most center around playing at home with
my brother and my sister. My favorite memory is the time we used the sofa and chair cushions
to build pretend houses.
First Body Paragraph:
My brother and I were playing a board game when my sister approached us
with the exciting idea. “Let’s take the cushions off the sofa and build houses,” she
said. We all agreed that this was an excellent idea, so together we proceeded to
remove the cushions. Since it was my sister’s idea, she got to build the first
house. The sofa only had three cushions, so her house was small. That did not
matter to us. We crowded into it and used our imaginations . . .
Second Body Paragraph:
Next was my turn to make a house. I noticed the cushions on the chairs and
decided we could use those as well. My house was much bigger, so we pretended it
was a great castle. . . .
Third Body Paragraph:
My brother got to build his house last, and his idea was probably the most fun of all. He
gathered cushions from all over the house to add to our “building materials.” . . .
The thesis sentence introduces a specific favorite memory. Therefore, each body paragraph should be about
this memory. The body paragraphs include topic sentences and specific details that support the topic sentence.
Notice that the body paragraphs narrate a specific series of events, which are introduced by the topic
sentences. The first body paragraph tells the story about her sister’s house. The second body paragraph
continues the story and tells what happened once it was the writer’s turn to make a house. The third body
paragraph tell what happened next when the brother got his turn. Even though some of the details have been
omitted, you can clearly see the direction this writer is taking.
What if the body was written this way?
Example 4:
Introductory Paragraph:
I have many pleasant memories of growing up. Most center around
playing at home with my brother and my sister. My favorite memory is
the time we used the sofa and chair cushions to build pretend houses.
Body Paragraph:
We took the cushions off the sofa and built a house. We had so much
fun. We tended to get too loud at times, and Mother would warn us. We
just could not seem to help it. Any child would laugh and scream.
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Section 4.2
Writing a First Draft
Section 5.2, continued
Revising for Unity
Practice 1
Read the following narrative essay. Identify the sentence or sentences that are off topic in each body paragraph
by underlining them.
The Mud Bath
Jake seemed to find a way to get into trouble without really trying. He always had to learn the hard way. His main
problem was not doing what he was supposed to. One of the times he left himself open for punishment involved
playing with Tommy, one of our neighbors.
Jake and Tommy were very much alike and loved to play together. Although they both knew the rules, they
sometimes conveniently “forgot” what they were supposed to do. They loved to play in the huge mud puddle that
always formed behind our house after a good rain because the mud in this part of the yard was especially slippery.
This mud puddle was not as large as one across the street. That one could hold three school buses.
They both knew that they were not supposed to get their school clothes dirty, so they pulled off everything except
their underwear. They put their clothes on the wet ground away from the puddle and began playing in the mud and
water. One neighbor watched them as they played. When one of them got some of the red dirt in his eye, he used his
shirt as a towel and forgot that it was part of his school clothes. They slid and splashed and had great fun.
When it started to get dark, they knew they had to plan how to clean up without getting caught. They were so
covered with mud that their eyes were the only partially clean spots on them. Jake suggested that they sneak into his
house through the back door to wash. Then Tommy could dress and go home.
Unfortunately, Mother caught them on the back porch steps. She had been sitting there shelling peas. Since it was
early October, it was cold when the sun went down, but Mother did not let that stop her. She washed them both with
the cold water from the garden hose and ignored their yelps as the cold water splashed over their goose-fleshed skin.
That was punishment that suited the crime, but it didn’t stop them the next time they saw the puddle.
Redundancy and Repetition
A unified essay uses descriptive and meaningful words without being redundant and repetition. Redundancy means
the use of more words than are needed to express an idea. Repetition is saying the same thing more than once. In
writing, you don’t want to repeat what you’ve already said unless there’s a reason.
Here is a chart of redundant phrases. Many are common expressions, but see if you can see why both or all words are
not necessary but redundant.
Redundant Phrases
attach together
basic fundamental
cover up
climb up
continue on
cross over
circle around
ADAW Grade 10
© 2005 Jerald D. Duncan
fall down
final result
first ever
free gift
final destination
in my opinion, I think
mix together
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past history
past experience
plan ahead
repeat over again
refer back
true facts
Section 5.2
Revising for Content and Style
Revising for Content
and Style
Section 5.4
Revising for Word Choice
After you have revised for organization, unity, and sentence variety, you need to revise for word
choice. When writing your essays, you want to choose precise and vivid words that convey
meaning to the reader.
In this section, we will cover the use of better word choice over and above the use of Standard
English, which we reviewed in Section 1.4. (Remember that using appropriate language in your
essays starts with using Standard English rather than slang and colloquial expressions.)
Precise and Vivid Words
•
Avoid vague, overused adjectives, such as nice, good, bad, great, and interesting. These words do not add much to
a sentence.
Example 1:
It was a good story.
All we know from this one sentence is that the writer had positive feelings toward it, but we
don’t get anything else. A better word choice might say the story was entertaining or
suspenseful or realistic or funny.
•
•
Avoid overusing the adverbs very and really. These words are used for emphasis and can be easily used
ineffectively.
Example 2:
I really want to try some of the very delicious pie.
less effective
Example 3:
I am craving some of the luscious chocolate pie.
more effective
Be precise rather than general. Precise words add details that give a clearer picture of what you are describing or
relating.
Example 4:
He was happy.
This is a very general statement. How does the writer know he was happy? How does he
show it? A more precise description might be that he beamed with happiness or grinned or
danced around with joy.
Example 5:
They were nervous.
How did they show they were nervous? Did they sweat or fidget or pace? These would be
more precise descriptions.
Example 6:
The young boy played with the cat.
How young is the boy? Is he a toddler, a first-grader, or a twelve-year-old? How did he play
with the cat? Did he use a cat toy, such as a feather on a stick or a string?
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Section 5.4
Revising for Content and Style