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What is Empathy and What isn’t Empathy?
The foundation of empathy is to know oneself. The more curiosity, humility, and
understanding we have about ourselves the more capable we are of connecting
with, and relating to what others are experiencing. One definition of empathy is to
put ourselves in the shoes of the other and imagine what they may be feeling. When
someone is capable of genuine empathy, the other “feels felt” and “is seen”.
When we feel strong enough in our own sense of self, we are able to focus on
another, remembering that what they are going through is not about us. We are able
to see and connect to the other person without judgement, disagreement, or any
agenda other than being there with them. Practicing giving and receiving empathy
allows us to stay present during difficult times. It helps grow the crucial bridges from
our lower to our higher brain.
Empathy can be verbal or nonverbal.
Empathy simply sees and listens, with curiosity and care.
Here are some examples of empathic connections:
1. Are you feeling frustrated because you were wanting to go with us?
2. I imagine you might be feeling nervous because you really want this to go well?
3. That sounds really hard.
Many times when we are trying to be supportive, or someone is trying to be there
for us, they say things that make us feel worse. Here are some examples of what isn’t
empathy. Imagine you are flooded and someone says these to you. Does it help?
Empathy is not:
1. (Trying to fix it) What will help is...…
2. (Giving advice) You should....!
3. (Explain or excuse) He only said that because...
4. (Educate) You can learn from this...
5. (Commiserate) He did that to you? That was mean!
6. (Sympathize) Oh, I feel so bad for you.
7. (One up) You should hear what happened to me...
8. (Console) It wasn’t your fault.
9. (Correct) That’s not how it went!
10. (Interrogate) How did that happen?
Partially adapted from “Empathetic Language” By Susan Skye
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