Brainfuse Writing Lab
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Our overview comments, specific recommendations, and a recommended revisions checklist are included in
our tutor response form below. Additional comments are also found in the body of your paper in bold or in
parentheses below our tutor response form. Feel free to re-submit your paper for further review after using our
comments and suggestions to make the recommended changes.
If you have additional questions, you can direct them to [email protected].
Thank you for choosing the Brainfuse Writing Lab and best wishes with your revisions!
SAT Practice Essay Review
Part 1 – Overview
Hello Lee, my name is Paige B, and I reviewed your practice essay for the SATs without haste thanks to your thesis
statement. This is a strong essay, but I want to make sure that you wrote it within the 25-minute time limit. Training
yourself to do this assignment in a short time is key for success on the actual exam.
Below the overview, you will find a rubric that evaluates your performance in five major areas that the essay readers
consider when they grade your work. That rubric is followed by recommendations for revisions and a checklist that you
can use to guide you through the process.
Even though this is strong, make sure to keep practicing. I suggest completing one each week while being timed by
someone or something else (many cell phones now have timers).
All the best on the SAT!
Part 2 – Brainfuse SAT Essay Rubric
The rubric below allows you to see what the SAT writers will be looking for when they grade your essay. Each grader
will assign your essay a score that is between 1 and 6. A “1” needs the most revision while a “6” shows a mastery of
writing skills. The rubric is divided into five elements of strong writing, and I have highlighted in yellow the score that
best reflects your performance in each category. Below this table, you will then see your estimated score on the entire
essay. Please note that this rubric is not endorsed by the College Board®, but it is based on a comparison of scored SAT
essays. The rubric does not indicate the score you would actually earn on the SAT but does show you what you have
already accomplished and what you still need to do in order to improve.
BRAINFUSE SAT ESSAY RUBRIC
1
Does not take a
position on the
issue.
TOPIC
2
The position on
the issue is
vague or
incomplete.
3
States a position
on the issue but
does not stay
focused on it.
4
States a
position on
the issue and
stays focused
on it.
5
Clearly states
a position on
the issue and
stays focused
on it.
6
Shares a thesis that
shows excellent
critical thinking and
develops that idea
throughout the
essay.
(It does not just
restate the question
as a statement; the
writer shows an
understanding of the
issue as a complex
one rather than a
simplistic “I agree”/
“I disagree”
response.)
SUPPORT
The author
does not show
how any of the
examples
support the
thesis.
Few examples
support the
thesis.
Most examples
are too vague;
they do not
include enough
details to
support the
thesis.
The author
includes
relevant
examples
from one’s
personal life,
history, or
literature.
The author
needs to
show how
and why more
examples
support the
thesis.
STRUCTURE
STYLE
Supports that
thesis with
specific
examples
from one’s
personal life,
history, or
literature.
The author
shows how
and why each
example
supports the
thesis.
Supports that thesis
with specific
examples from one’s
personal life,
history, or literature.
The author shows
how and why each
example strongly
supports the thesis.
Not correctly
organized into
paragraphs
that help
develop a main
idea.
The paragraphs
are
underdeveloped
and not
organized in a
logical way.
Most paragraphs
are
underdeveloped.
Includes an
introduction,
body
paragraphs,
and a
conclusion
that relate to
the thesis.
Includes an
introduction,
body
paragraphs,
and a
conclusion
that often
show how the
author’s ideas
progress.
Includes an
introduction, body
paragraphs, and
conclusion that
smoothly show how
the author’s ideas
progress and why
the thesis is
important.
Errors with
word choice
and sentence
structure make
this essay
Does not use a
sophisticated
vocabulary or
does not use
the words
Rarely uses
sophisticated
vocabulary or
rarely uses the
words
Vocabulary is
sometimes
sophisticated
but does not
always
Vocabulary is
frequently
sophisticated
and
accurately
Incorporates
sophisticated
vocabulary that
accurately conveys
meaning and tone.
difficult to
comprehend.
Many errors
make this essay
difficult to
comprehend.
GRAMMAR
&
MECHANICS
accurately.
accurately.
Frequent errors
in sentence
structure.
Some errors in
sentence
structure, and
their structures
are rarely varied.
Many errors
sometimes
interfere with
comprehension.
Many errors, but
they do not
interfere with
comprehension.
accurately
convey
meaning.
Sometimes
varies the way
that
sentences are
structured.
Inconsistent
use of the
rules that
guide spelling,
capitalization,
punctuation,
and sentence
structure.
conveys
meaning.
Often varies
the way that
sentences are
structured.
Few errors in
following the
rules that
guide spelling,
capitalization,
punctuation,
and sentence
structure.
(Add in those SAT
words you’ve been
learning!)
Varies the way
sentences are
structured to convey
meaning and tone.
Almost no errors in
following the rules
that guide spelling,
capitalization,
punctuation, and
sentence structure.
>> POSSIBLE ESSAY SCORE: 5
If you would like to work on any one of these skills with a Brainfuse writing tutor, please log on to
“Live Help” on the Brainfuse homepage.
Part 3 – Topic
To earn a “6,” you need to go beyond stating that you agree or disagree with a quote; instead, you need to elaborate,
explaining what makes that statement true or false. Compare “Quick decisions should never be made” to the sentences
below:
e.g. “Quick decisions should not be made by people without experience in the subject.”
or
“Experts in a field are often capable of making quick decisions due to their experience.”
Part 4 – Support
In some paragraphs, you summarize events in the two literary texts but do not explain how or why they happened.
Instead, you need to work on elaboration by using specific details from the source and explaining how they support your
thesis.
Part 5 – Structure
Your use of transitional phrases helped show readers how your paragraphs and sentences were related throughout the
essay. To earn a 6 in this section, however, you still need to make sure that your conclusion reviews the main points you
have made and states what makes the thesis important.
Part 6 – Style
Make sure to vary the words that you choose and look for chances to incorporate SAT vocabulary words. That will help
you practice for two sections of the exam at once! You can also practice varying the lengths and structures of sentences to
make an emotional impact on the audience and allow your writing to flow. How can you revise these sentences from your
essay?
He hastily thought that Rainsford was gone and did not think much of the game anymore, and had “an exceedingly good
dinner” that evening. With his guard down, he did not realize that Rainsford had gotten into his bedroom by swimming
across the sea to the chateau. Surprised and unprepared for this meeting, Zaroff was killed by Rainsford because of
Zaroff’s haste and carelessness.
Part 7 – Grammar & Mechanics
You show an overall command of punctuation with a few minor errors, like a set of quotations outside of a period in the
first paragraph. The word “underestimation” is also spelled in two different ways.
Part 8 – Recommended Revisions Checklist
To make the suggested revisions above, you can follow this checklist. If you would like to review my notes on any step,
you can also check the section of the form that is cited at the end of each entry. I also encourage you to log on to Live
Help to work on any one of these skills with a Brainfuse writing tutor.
 Instead of making an absolute statement in your thesis,
try to qualify it. (Part 3)
 When adding support, focus on adding specific examples
and explaining how they relate to your thesis. (Part 4)
 Expand your conclusion by reviewing the main points
you have made. (Part 5)
 Look for opportunities to incorporate SAT vocab and
vary the words that you choose. (Part 6)
 Vary the length and structure of your sentences. (Part 6)
 Correct the minor misspelling and punctuation error
(Part 7)
 Time yourself again next week!
Part 9 – Suggested Resources
http://sat.collegeboard.org/scores/sat-essay-scoring-guide
Additional Comments in Blue
I have also added specific comments to your paper. You will find them typed in blue below. In many cases, the word,
phrase, or mark that they refer to is also in blue.
Prompt: Consider the statement and assignment below.
.
Many people value work that is done as quickly as possible and even think that a product made
under a time pressure is better than one completed without a time limit. Others, however,
believe that rushing one’s work ultimately costs a person more time because it leads that person
to make significant mistakes.
Assignment: Do time limits help or hinder people? Please write an essay in response to this
question, and make sure to take a definite position on this issue. You may support that position
with specific details, reasons, and examples from your reading, studies, or personal experience.
“Great Haste Makes Great Waste”
By acting too quickly, people are sure (avoid this word in formal writing) to run into trouble
afterwards (consider revising for clarity and grammar). A wise person once said, “Unreasonable haste
is the direct road to error.” If people rush things unnecessarily, there will be mistakes and the
mistakes will lead to consequences, which can be excellently portrayed in literature (This is a great
spot to vary sentence structure. Make this one long sentence 3 short sentences. This will increase the
readers’ pace.). This quote is valid because readers are made aware that haste, in most cases, leads
right to error. Many literary works show how “unreasonable haste is the direct road to error,”
including Shakespeare’s tragic play Romeo and Juliet and Richard Connell’s short story “The Most
Dangerous Game”. The conflicts experienced by Romeo, Juliet, and General Zaroff in these works
depict how haste ultimately leads to, in these cases, fatal consequences. (This is a very nice
introduction. By the end the reader is aware of the point that you will try to make as well as the
supporting details that you will use.)
Powerful young love is one of the reasons why Romeo and Juliet, in Shakespeare’s Romeo
and Juliet, (unnecessary phrase) make hasty decisions which lead to the tragic double-suicide ending.
“Love is like an hourglass with the heart filling up as the brain empties,” like Jules Renard once said.
This quote explains how the more in love someone is, the less rational that person is, and especially
when the two people are young and they make irresponsible and irrational decisions on their own
(run-on sentence: split the phrases up into individual sentences here to again change the pace for the
reader.). Because they (here you switched back to Romeo and Juliet without giving any indication)
are so in love, they find a way to avoid their parents and marry in secret. But, this was all rushed and
none of the people involved – Romeo, Juliet, or Friar Laurence – were going to stop and think about
the consequences of the hastiness to get married just a few days after they met each other. The chain
reaction of the consequences (rephrase) of hastiness following the meeting of these star-crossed
lovers resulted in the premature death of both Romeo and Juliet.
Similarly, General Zaroff’s underestimation of Rainsford and haste in “The Most Dangerous
Game” also led to his (well-deserved) demise (This sentence should be revised to make it clear that
both the “underestimation of Rainsford” and Zaroff’s “haste” contributed to his demise.). Zaroff
made a game of hunting shipwrecked sailors on his private island, and with Rainsford as his next –
and last – hunting game, Zaroff had under-estimated him and thus put his guard down after Rainsford
seemingly escaped from the island (run-on). He hastily thought that Rainsford was gone and did not
think much of the game anymore, and had “an exceedingly good dinner” that evening. With his guard
down, he did not realize that Rainsford had gotten into his bedroom by swimming across the sea to
the chateau. Surprised and unprepared for this meeting, Zaroff was killed by Rainsford because of
Zaroff’s haste and carelessness.
The plots and conflicts in these two works show how haste almost always leads to the
mistakes and consequences of Romeo, Juliet, and Zaroff. Judgment gets clouded and in the cases of
these characters, haste points to their untimely demises. (Expand on this conclusion. It should be a
review of the points made throughout the paper.)