CutBank
Volume 1
Issue 78 CutBank 78
Article 37
Spring 2013
Limn
EB Vandiver
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Vandiver, EB (2013) "Limn," CutBank: Vol. 1: Iss. 78, Article 37.
Available at: http://scholarworks.umt.edu/cutbank/vol1/iss78/37
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EB Va
n d i v e r
Li m n
I h ey w e a r t h e s a m e size— t hi s h a d c o m e u p in t h e i n t e r v i e w , w h e n
C a r l y w a s s h i v e r i n g in t h e a i r c o n d i t i o n i n g a n d Al e x i s , w i t h o u t
a w o r d , p i c k e d u p a c a r d i g a n f r o m a c h a i r a n d p u t it a r o u n d h e r
s h o u l d e r s . Like a m o t h e r . C a r l y k n e w t h e n she h ad t h e job. T w o
w e e k s lat er C a r l y was s h e p h e r d i n g T a t u m a n d J ac k in t h e R a n g e
R o v e r t o t h e i r E p i s c o p a l d a y s c h o o l in M a n h a t t a n a n d p l a n n i n g
t he fa mi ly v a c a t i o n to Vi rgi n G o r d a . Brad, t h e h u s b a n d , was re­
l i e v e d ; h e s a i d s h e h a d s a v e d t h e i r l i ves.
vShe w a s n ’t in t h e h o u s e l o n g b e f o r e s h e u n d e r s t o o d a b o u t
the weekly sessions with the m arriage couns elor : every W e d n e s ­
day Brad h o m e early from
hi s l a w f i r m
in t h e c i t y s o h e a n d
Al e x i s c o u l d d r i v e o f f t o g e t h e r at 3 : 0 0 a n d r e t u r n a t 4 : 3 0 , A l e x i s
r e d f a c e d a n d p u f f y in t h e e ye s , B r a d g o i n g o f f t o p o u r a S c o t c h ,
s l a m m i n g t h e s t u d y d o o r s . D i v o r c e w r i t t e n all over .
C a r l y w a n t e d t h e k i d s t o c o m e t h r o u g h it i n t a c t . S h e t r i e d
t o m o t i v a t e . S h e c a l l e d h e r m o m . Y o u ’v e g o t t o b o n d , h e r m o m
said. W h a t d o y ou m e a n , C a r l y asked. H e r m o m said, D o t h i n g s
t o g e t h e r . You u s e d t o b a b y s i t y o u r n e p h e w . You k n o w a b o u t t h i s .
H e w a s six m o n t h s o l d , C a r l y s a i d . H e s l e p t a n d h e p o o p e d . I h e l d
him sometimes.
S h e was h al f w a y t h r o u g h t h e m a k e - y o u r - o w n - s o c k - p u p p e t h o w ­
to f r o m Alexis’
Child
m ag az in e w h e n she noti ced Tatum an d Jack
w' ere n o l o n g e r at t h e k i t c h e n t a b l e .
I h e y w e r e h u d d l i n g in t h e
c o r n e r . “ W h a t ’s w r o n g w i t h y o u g u y s ? '
was from
l a t u m , w h o had on ce tried to m ic ro w a ve her hamster.
“C a n we watch
crafts.
“ Yo u re s c a r i n g u s . ’ T h i s
T V ? ” “ G e t o v e r h e r e , ’’ C a r l y s a i d . “A n d l et ' s d o
I h e n Alexis e m e r g e d
from
her artist's st udi o, a brigh t
w hite s tru cture that had on ce been a carriage house, and strode
a c r o s s t h e l a w n t o w a r d t h e m in h e r c a n v a s s m o c k . C a r l y s c r a p p e d
the w h ol e idea a nd t h r u s t a bag o f ch o c o la t e chips into
w a i t i n g h a n d s . “ C h e e r u p , ” C a r l y said.
T a t u m ’s
Br ad c o m e s h o m e l at er a n d l at er e a c h n i g h t . Al exis f o r m s a b o o k
c l ub. At m e e t i n g s s he serves l i n g e r s a n d w i c h e s a n d cof f ee, a n d b e ­
c a u s e t h e m a i d has w e e k e n d s off, C a r l y has t o c o m e u p f r o m he r
s u b t e r r a n e a n l i vi ng q u a r t e r s at d a w n t o get s t a r t e d o n t h e p r e p
and scrub out the bur r grinder.
“ We n e e d a c a t e r e r , ” Al exis r e m a r k s a f t e r six m o n t h s o f
t his. C a r l y is l a b o r i n g ove r a c h i c k e n c u r r y s a n d w i c h . “ Real l y, ”
Al exis says. “ N o t t h a t y o u ’re n o t b r i l l i a n t . ”
“ I d o n ’t m i n d . ” C a r l y waves he r h a n d .
“ I j ust n e ve r k n o w h o w m a n y are g o i n g t o t u r n u p f r o m
o n e m o n t h t o t h e ne xt . I c o u l d n e ve r p o s s i b l y gi ve a c a t e r e r a
h e a d c o u n t . Ha l f o f t h e m e m b e r s c a nc e l at t h e last m i n u t e for
some random reason.”
“ W h y d o y o u al wa ys e n d u p h o s t i n g ? ” C a r l y asks.
“ I ’m a p u s h o v e r , ” Al exis says, a n d s he smi l es .
T h e g r o u p r eads, a l ways, a m e m o i r or s e l f - h e l p o n t h e t o p ­
ic o f m o t h e r h o o d o r a n x i e t y or i n v i g o r a t i n g t h e m a r r i a g e . In t he
b o o k j ac ke t a u t h o r p h o t o s are w o m e n w h o l o o k like t h e y c o u l d be
p e r c h e d t h e r e o n t h e o t t o m a n ne xt t o Al exi s be s t f r i e n d , S t e p h a ­
ni e E m m o n s , d r o p p i n g f i f t y - c e n t w o r d s w i t h t h a t s a m e k i n d of
earnestness.
The key t e r m in all o f t he s e d i s c u s s i o n s , o n c e t h e y
t u r n f r o m t he a c t u a l b o o k , is b a l a n c e : h o w t o a t t a i n it, h o w to
m a i n t a i n it, h o w t o d e f e n d it. “ Real l y, ” S t e p h a n i e says. “ We owe
it t o our s e l ve s . We are t h e C E O s of t h e h o u s e h o l d . N o o n e q u e s ­
t i o n s J o s h ’s r i ght t o g o l f o n a S a t u r d a y a f t e r n o o n . W h y s h o u l d
a n y o n e q u e s t i o n m y t r i p t o t he c i t y t o hi t B a r n e y ’s?”
Al exis is q u i e t e r t h a n t h e rest, m o r e s o l i c i t o u s . She he l ps
C a r l y b r i n g o u t t h e s a n d w i c h e s a n d t h e n a p k i n s . “Aly,” S t e p h a n i e
says. “ Sit d o w n . Rel ax. T h i s is e xa c t l y t he p r o b l e m . ”
Af t e r t he m e e t i n g S t e p h a n i e c o r n e r s C a r l y a n d
ma k e s
s ma l l tal k. “ You k n o w, a n y t i m e y o u w a n t t o h a n g o u t w i t h us in
t h e r e y o u ’re w e l c o m e to. N o o n e c o n s i d e r s y o u t h e he l p. We re n o t
136 Vandiver
feudal lords.
P e r i o d i c a l l y , t h e t o p i c is a m b i t i o n . “ You re s m a r t ,
C a r l y . H o w m u c h l o n g e r ar c y o u p l a n n i n g t o c h a n g e d i a p e r s a n d
r u n c a r p o o l s ? ’ S t e p h a n i e p r o d u c e s a key, w i e l d s it l i ke a Hag.
“ II y o u e v e r n e e d a p l a c e t o h e a l o n e , w e h a v e a g u e s t h o u s e ; i t ’s
h a r dl y ever used.
C a r l y t r i es t o s m i l e . “ T h a n k s , ’ s h e says. S h e h o p e s s h e
s o u n d s l i ke S t e p h a n i e . B o r e d . D i s m i s s i v e .
O f t h e r o t a t i n g f i f t e e n w h o t u r n u p f or t h e m e e t i n g s , o n l y
Al e xi s h a s w h a t c a n h e c o n s t r u e d as a p r o f e s s i o n , b u t s h e n e v e r
t a l k s a b o u t it. C a r l y is w i l l i n g t o b e t n o t o n e of t h e o t h e r s , n o t
e v e n S t e p h a n i e , h a v e b e e n in t h e s t u d i o , m u c h less k n o w a b o u t
Al e x i s f e l l o w s h i p s a n d M . F . A . C a r l y , w h o is in t h e h a b i t o f v i s i t ­
i n g t h e s t u d i o w h e n t h e f a m i l y is o u t , t o o k J a c k o n c e w h i l e Al e xi s
a n d l a t u m w e r e at a p l a y d a t e f or t h e a f t e r n o o n . W h e n s h e s l i p p e d
t h e k e y i n t h e d e a d b o l t a n d t u r n e d s h e d t a k e n hi s s m a l l h a n d t o
h el p h i m w i t h t he h i g h s t ep up. H e h a d b een late to walk, nearl y
e i g h t e e n m o n t h s , a n d e v e n a f t e r all t h e p h y s i c a l t h e r a p y , w o r e
s h o e i n s e r t s a n d c o u l d n ’t m a n a g e s t a i r s , b u t in Al e x i s
s t u d i o he
h a d n e a r l y r u n f r o m m i r r o r t o m i r r o r , p r e s s i n g hi s n o s e t o t h e
gl ass, l e a v i n g i m p r i n t s in t h e s h a p e o f a s n o u t . D o n ' t , C a r l y s ai d
s h a r p l y , s h e ’ll k n o w y o u ’ve b e e n h e r e .
l iny h a n d p r i n t s s m u d g e d
t h e gl ass. M i r r o r s ! h e s a i d , a n d t h e n m o m m y a n d p o i n t e d , a n d
C. arl y s a w t h e s h a p e o f a w o m a n s k e t c h e d o u t in a c o r n e r o f a
h u g e s t r e t c h of c a n v a s . I h e w o m a n ' s f ace wa s b e n t a w a y b u t s h e
w o r e h e r h a i r t i e d l o w w i t h a s car f , l i ke Al exi s . O v e r t h e n e x t f e w
weeks, w h e n C ar ly r e t u r n e d , the abst ract s gra dual l y d i sa pp ea r ed ,
r e p l a c e d b y s t u d i e s . S h a p e s — n o t h u m a n exa c t l y, b u t t h e b e g i n ­
n i n g s of f aces , a n d l i m b s — a n d t h e c o l o r s d a r k e n i n g t o s o m e t h i n g
m u r k i e r , l i ke t h e c o l o r of t h e p o n d n e a r t h e e d g e of t h e p r o p e r t y
w h e n t h e w a t e r wa s fi l l ed w i t h l eaves . It wa s c o l o r t h a t w a s t h e
b e g i n n i n g of de c a y. “ Thi s is w h a t s h e d o e s , ’ C a r l y s a i d t o J a c k .
“ W h e n I c o m e to get y o u u p f r o m y o u r n a p a n d y o u ask for her
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137
i n s t e a d a n d y o u cry, I w a n t y o u t o r e m e m b e r n e x t t i m e , i n s t e a d o f
c r y i n g — a ll Qf t h e s e p a i n t i n g s a n d h e r p a i n t i n g t h e m . ” H e l o o k e d
at h e r s o l e m n l y . "All r i g h t ?
s h e s a i d , a n d h e s a i d yes.
S a t u r d a y n i g h t s in t h e s u m m e r , w h e n h e r f r i e n d s a r e h o m e f r o m
c o l l e g e , s h e d o e s t h e r o u n d o f p a r t i e s a t t h e l a k e , a n d it is j u s t
l i k e s e n i o r year. O n e n i g h t s h e e n d s u p o n t h e d o c k w i t h A e r i n
a n d C h e l s e a a n d a b o y s h e ’s n e v e r s e e n b e f o r e . T h e h o u s e p u l s a t e s
w i t h m u s ic , s c r e a m i n g , l au g h ter. B e n e a t h t h e m th e lake m u r m ers a t t h e p i l i n g s . C a r l y lays d o w n o n h e r b a c k a n d p u t s h e r fe e t
i n t h e w a t e r , a n d A e r i n s ays , “ S h i t t y m u c h ? ” S h e a n d C h e l s e a
l a u g h . “ T h i s is w h a t y o u feel l i k e , ” C a r l y s ay s, “a f t e r w o r k i n g
e i g h t h o u r s . ” As s o o n as s h e s ays it s h e r e g r e t s it. T h e o t h e r t h r e e
a r e s i l e n t . “ I h a d a n i n t e r n s h i p t h i s f a l l , ” C h e l s e a s ays . “ F u c k i n g
g r u e l i n g . A c c o u n t i n g . I f it w a s n ’t m y u n c l e ’s f i r m I w o u l d h a v e
q u i t t h e f i r s t d a y . ” “ You h a v e n o i d e a w h a t y o u s o u n d l i k e , ” A e r i n
says. “A n d b y t h e wa y, I h a v e w o r k e d e i g h t h o u r s . In a row.
I he
b o y is l i g h t l y r u b b i n g A e r i n ’s s h o u l d e r s , w o r k i n g o u t w a r d in t h e
s h a p e o f w i n g s . H e r h e a d d r o p s f o r w a r d , l o l l i n g s l i g h t l y . “A m a z ­
ing.”
C h e l s e a loo ks d o w n at Carly. “ W h a t k i n d o f w o r k are y o u
d o i n g a n y w a y ? ” s h e as ks .
“ P h o n e s e x , ” C a r l y says.
P eople are e m e r g i n g fr o m th e h o u s e , s c a t t e r i n g over the
l a w n , a n d as t h e f i r s t f e w r e a c h t h e w a t e r ’s e d g e , A e r i n a n d C h e l ­
s ea s t a n d , s t r i p d o w n t o t h e i r b i k i n i s , a n d d i v e t o g e t h e r o f f t h e
edge o f the dock.
“ G o i n , ” C a r l y t el l s t h e hoy.
“ I d o n ’t k n o w h o w t o s w i m , ” h e s ays . H e l o o k s at t h e b o d ­
ies, s i l v e r y as d o l p h i n s in t h e m o o n l i g h t , p l u n g i n g a r o u n d t h e m .
H e l o o k s a t her . “ I ’m R a d a m e s , ” h e says. “ W h o a r e y o u ? ’
" Ar e y o u A e r i n ’s b o y f r i e n d ? ” s h e says.
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“S o m e t h i n g like t hat .
“ I'm Carly,
s h e s ays . “ L e t ’s g o i n s i d e . ’
I h e h o u s e is q u i e t a n d d i m , s t r e w n w i t h t r a s h , a b a n d o n e d s h o e s .
S h e t a k e s R a d a m e s ’ h a n d . In t h e l i g h t f r o m t h e g r e a t r o o m s h e
sees t h a t h e h a s t h e f a c e o f a B o t t i c e l l i . B e a u t i f u l , p a s s i v e , b e n i g n .
T h e y head d o w n the hallway from the kitchen. She open s
d o o r s as s h e g o e s , b u t all t h e b e d r o o m s a r e o c c u p i e d . R a d a m e s ’
p r e s e n c e b e h i n d he r , d o c i l e a n d q u i e t , r e m i n d s h e r o f J a c k , a n d
as t h e y b e g i n u p t h e s t a i r s t o t r y t h e s e c o n d f l o o r , s h e feel s h e r
e n e r g y Hag. S a y s o m e t h i n g , s h e w a n t s t o s a y t o h i m . N o t h i n g is
right.
T h e y e n d u p in t h e t r o p h y r o o m . T h r e e w a l l s o f a n t l e r s
a n d gl a s s e ye s , a n d a p i c t u r e w i n d o w s w a t h e d
in t a u p e vel vet
d r a p e s . R a d a m e s kn e e l s at t h e f i repl ace, a r r a n g i n g k i n d l i n g , s t r i k ­
ing matches.
I h e y ’rc all t h e s a m e , ” h e is s a y i n g . “ T h e s e o c c a s i o n s . G e t
d r u n k , j u m p in t h e l ak e . ’
“ I t ’s a s o u n d r i t u a l , ’ C a r l y says . “ W h a t ’s w r o n g w i t h it?
“Nothing,
“No,
h e s ays . “A r e y o u a n g r y w i t h m e ? ’
s h e says. “ W h y w o u l d I b e a n g r y ? ’
The f i r e b u r s t s h e a r t i l y t o l i fe, s n a p p i n g at t h e c r o w n of
t i n d e r a n d n e w s p a p e r b e f o r e s e t t l i n g i n t o a s t e a d y b u r n . As s h e
l e a n s t o w a r d it, C a r l y f eel s as i f s h e h a s b e e n d i v i d e d in t w o : t h e
h e a t v i v i d in h e r f a c e a n d h a n d s , t h e c o l d l i k e a wa l l at h e r b a c k .
“ H o w c o m e y o u ’re n o t i n s c h o o l ?
“ I d o n ’t k n o w ,
h e says .
s h e says. “ I h a v e n o l i fe p l a n . O b v i o u s l y .
H e s ays , “ You a r e a n g r y w i t h m e . ’”
“ W h y w o u l d I be a n g r y w i t h y o u ? ’
S h e goes t o t h e w i n d o w , ties b a c k t h e d r a p e s w i t h t h e i r
silky cor ds. Bel ow t he lake s tr e t ch e s, b r o a d a n d black. A m i s t i n g
r a i n is s e t t i n g i n. P e o p l e a r e s c u r r y i n g in c i r c l e s , g a t h e r i n g t h e i r
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clothes, t hei r beer bottles f r o m the n a r r o w crescent o f beach.
I he y shi ver , s h o u l d e r s p u l l e d u p a r o u n d t h e i r ears. T h e gl a r e o f
t h e l ire b e h i n d C' arly swel l s, f i l l i ng t h e l o w e r p a n e s o f t h e w i n d o w
w i t h o r a n g e l i ght . S h e p u t s h e r p a l m t o t h e gl ass, a l m o s t e x p e c t ­
i ng t o leel w a r m t h . D o w n s t a i r s s o m e o n e p u t s o n t h e m u s i c a g a i n ,
t h e r e v e r b e r a t i o n o f t h e bass l i ke a t r e m o r in t h e fl oor. In t he
w i n d o w s r e f l e c t i o n s h e sees R a d a m e s f e e d i n g t h e fire, s t i r r i n g it
w i t h a k i n d o f h o o k , a n d h e r o w n a r m i l l u m i n a t e d f r o m wr i s t to
s h o u l d e r , t h e rest of h e r b o d y d a r k i n s i d e a w e a k s i l h o u e t t e . “All
r i g h t , ” R a d a m e s says. “ L e t ’s s t a r t over, ye s ? ” B e n e a t h h e r f i n g e r s
t h e b e a c h is e m p t y . S o m e o n e o p e n s t h e d o o r o f t h e t r o p h y r o o m ,
says o h t h e r e y o u are. R a d a m e s l a u g h s , a n a r r o w l i t t l e l o o p o f a
l a u g h , e d g e d w i t h i r r i t a t i o n . C o m e in, c o m e in. S h e lifts h e r h a n d
f r o m t h e glass.
By t h e t i m e s h e ge t s h o m e t h e s ky is f a d i n g t o grey, a s t r a t a o f
g o l d e n p i n k r i s i n g f r o m t h e east . N o o n e is u p e x c e p t f o r T a t u m ,
in t h e k i t c h e n i n h e r S u p e r g i r l c o s t u m e , w h i s t l i n g s o m e t h i n g t h a t
s o u n d s l i ke B e e t h o v e n , t w i s t i n g t h e legs of h e r Ba r bi e .
\ o u re in t r o u b l e , ” l a t u m says.
C a r l y o p e n s a c o k e a n d d r i n k s it d o w n w i t h o u t s t o p p i n g .
Her head throbs.
“ You we r e s u p p o s e d t o w a t c h us l ast n i g h t . ”
“ It wa s m y n i g h t o f f . ” S h e t h i n k s . “ W a s n ’t i t ? ”
l a t u m s h r u g s . “S h e w o n ’t say a n y t h i n g . ” S h e fills an eye
d r o p p e r w i t h p u r p l e f o o d c o l o r i n g a n d b e g i n s a p p l y i n g it t o t h e
h e a d of t h e Ba r bi e . “ D i d y o u ge t d r u n k ? ”
“O f course n o t . ”
L e t s go t o t h e p a r k t oda y, a f t e r y o u s l e e p it o f f . ”
C.arly t h i n k s of p u s h i n g J a c k o n t h e s w i n g , t h e c r e a k o f
t h e c h a i n s , t h e p o i n t y l i t t l e s c r e a m s of c h i l d r e n d a r t i n g o v e r t h e
p l a y g r o u n d . I he p a i n in h e r s kul l t i g h t e n s . I h e r e is a f a i n t r usVandiver
t ling u ps tai rs , t h e b e g i n n i n g o f m o v e m e n t . T h e s un arcs t h r o u g h
t h e F r e n c h d o o r s in a b r o a d b l a d e o f l i ght.
“ Fantastic,
s h e s ays . “ Yes.
b r a d g o e s t o I. . A. f o r a d e p o s i t i o n a n d A l e x i s s a ys s h e i s n ’t s u r e
w h e n h e ’ll h e h a c k ; t h e s e t h i n g s c o u l d g o f o r a d a y o r f o r w e e k s .
It is a s e r i o u s c a s e — a c o l l a p s e d p l a y a r d , a s t r a n g l e d i n f a n t . T h e r e
w e r e a t l eas t a d o z e n c a s e s b r o u g h t t o t h e c o m p a n y ’s a t t e n t i o n
b e f o r e t h i s o n e , s h e s ays . W e ’ve p r e t t y m u c h g o t t h e m c o r n e r e d .
1 C a r l y t h i n k s , we ? A l e x i s
f a c e is t a u t t h e w a y it a l w a y s is w h e n
B r a d t r a v e l s o n b u s i n e s s . S h e is t a l k i n g t o o fast . S h e is h a n g i n g
cupboards.
T h e ho us e seems q ui et er th an usual with Brad gone. Alex­
is a n d
l a t u m a n d Jack h e a d i n t o t he city for t h e i r S u n d a y m o r n ­
i n g r i t u a l o f s c o n e s a n d c l o t t e d c r e a m at t h e P l a z a .
W h e n C a r l y o p e n s t he d o o r to t he m a s t e r b e d r o o m she
f i n d s it, as ever , d u s t l c s s , s p o t l e s s , t h e b e d p e r f e c t l y m a d e : a v i r ­
t u a l m u s e u m . T h e c l o s e t d o o r is s l i g h t l y a j a r a n d t h e t r a c k l i g h t ­
i n g is o n , a n d as C a r l y m o v e s c l o s e r s h e s ees t h e s h o p p i n g b a g s .
Fl e r f i r st t h o u g h t w h e n s h e p u l l s o u t t h e c l o t h e s is t h a t
t h e r e has b e e n s o m e k i n d o f m i s t a k e . Alexis o f t h e b a b y c a b l e k n i t
sweaters, the peacoats, does not b e l o n g to the bags that, C arl y
s ees, h a v e b e e n s t u f f e d , a n d s e e m i n g l y at r a n d o m , w i t h p y t h o n Ts t r ap M a n o l o B l a h n i k s andals , a pleat skirt in h o t p i n k s h a n t u n g ,
a s h e e r s i l k c h i f f o n b a b y d o l l w' i t h m a t c h i n g p a n t i e s , a p h e a s a n t
f e a t h e r c a p e . H e r e , a p i n a f o r e d r e s s w i t h b a b y b l u e s a t i n s a s h , as
if s h e w o u l d b e Al i c e in W o n d e r l a n d ; s l o u c h y s u e d e b o o t s w' i t h a
k i t t e n h e e l , a B a l e n c i a g a b o l e r o j a c k e t , l e a t h e r c i g a r e t t e p a n t s in
a m i r r o r f i n i s h . C a r l y l ays o u t t h e c l o t h e s o n t h e R a l p h L a u r e n
b e d s p r e a d : t h e y s e e m t o p o s t u r e , as if t h e y h a v e t a k e n o n a l i fe o f
their own.
C a r l v f i nd s h er s el f in h e r u n d e r w e a r , h e r o w n s h o r t s a n d
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ta n k top d i t c h e d on the floor, b u t t o n i n g he r s el f in to a tu ll e- ti er ed
dress th a t billows o u t b e h i n d in a f ab ul ou s trai n, bride -l ike . W h e n
she drags the w h o le e n s e m b l e over to the m i r r o r it is as if she has
never seen h ers elf before, n o t really. T h e o v e r p o w e r in g silence is
like a s e co n d pres ence over her s h ou ld er , ev a l u a ti n g her p l a i n ­
ness. W h a t she has to w o r k w it h , she a d m i t s now to herself, is not
m u c h , even if she does have m or e col or t h a n Alexis on a c c o u n t
o f those a f t e r n o o n s c h as in g T a t u m a r o u n d the pool w hile Alexis
holes up inside c l a im i n g she is allergic to sun; Alexis is all long
legs a n d r az or -b la d e c h e e k b o n e s . At best C ar ly is in the league o f
t h a t D i r t y C o e d s p o r n she c a u g h t Brad c h e c k i n g o u t o n l i n e once
w h e n she walk ed in to his s t u d y to ask a b o u t her pay check. But
as she a b a n d o n s the tulle an d cl im bs in to th e le ath er d i r n d l , she
begins to c o m e a r o u n d , r at h e r as she had in s o p h o m o r e bio logy
lab, d iss ect ing th a t sad-eyed toa d she had selected from the batc h
th a t had c o m e in dr y ice in S ty r o fo am coolers in the sp ring. She
had c o m e to lab s tr a i g h t from A.P. Engl ish, w h er e in the last
weeks o f the se me st er they w o u l d s p e n d the h o u r r ea di ng a n d re­
rea d in g the last pages o f The B ell Ja r an d she had had the sense
o f s o m e t h i n g always on the verge o f n a m i n g itself in her m i n d ,
the t e a c h e r ’s voice g e t t i n g in the way, all those h a n d s go in g up,
arms waving, t h a t k in d o f overeager me me me as if it were fifth
tirade. A n d t h e n there was the shrill s o u n d o f the bell a n d it was
all lost s om eho w . S t a n d i n g over the p i n n e d toa d , the poli she d
lab table, s u r r o u n d e d by rows o f jars of piglet fetuses flo at in g in
f o r m a l d e h y d e , she had w iel ded her blade for the inc ision , a n d it
had nu ll ed t h a t f r u s t r a t i o n , assuaged th a t nam elessness, a n d she
had felt o r d e r again in the universe.
H e r eyes no w feel heavy, her fingers f ati gue d by so m u c h b u t t o n ­
ing, u n b u t t o n i n g , zi p p in g , d i s m a n t l i n g . She looks at the clo thes
cast across the floor. In her skull there is a faint h u m m i n g , not
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altogether ominous.
S h e d e c i d e s t o s p e n d t h e rest o f t h e a f t e r n o o n o n t h e p o o l c h a i s e
wi t h a har d l e m o n a d e a n d w o r k on her tan. T h e
master b e d ­
r o o m h a d b e e n l eft i m m a c u l a t e , s h e is s u r e , b u t as s h e i n f l a t e s t h e
c h a i s e , s h e c a n ' t h e l p l o o k i n g b a c k at t h e w i n d o w as if t o c h e c k
h e r w o r k . B u t t h e d r a p e s a r e d r a w n , as a l wa y s .
T h e chaise drifts past t he row o f zero-gravi ty reclincrs an d
i nt o t h e r a n g e o f t he o s ci l l at i n g m i s t i n g fan, a n d she closes her
eyes, n e a r l y a s l e e p w h e n d i s t a n t l y , a c a r d o o r s l a m s . S h e c o n s i d e r s
g e t t i n g o u t of t h e p o o l b u t t h i s wi l l i n v o l v e e i t h e r s l i p p i n g f r o m
t h e c h a i s e i n t o t h e d e e p e n d w h e r e s h e is n o w c a s t a d r i f t , o r el se,
humiliatingly, lowering herself o n t o her st om ac h on the chaise
an d p a d d l i n g to t h e edge w here she m i g h t edge o f f o n t o t h e stairs
a n d c l i m b t o t h e d e c k . At s o m e p o i n t in w o r k i n g t h i s all o u t in
h e r h e a d s h e r e al i zes Al e xi s is s t a n d i n g at t h e g u t t e r s t a r i n g at h e r
f r om b e h i n d her Wayfarers. C a r l y s q u i n t s i nt o t h e sun. T h e h o u s e
l o o m s b e h i n d Al e xi s , a va s t G o t h i c a b o m i n a t i o n o f a r c h i t e c t u r e .
“ C o m e in t h e s t u d i o ,
Al e x i s says , h e r v o i c e v e r y s ma l l .
“ L e t ’s t a l k . ”
C a r l y s l i ps, f eet f i r st , i n t o t h e b l u e . T he c o l d s w a l l o w s her ,
t e n d r i l s o f h a i r s u c k i n g t o w a r d t h e s u r f a c e as s h e s i n k s . B u b b l e s
ri ppl e past her nose. She curls her toes a ga i ns t t he gri tt y c o n ­
c r e t e f l o o r of t h e p o o l , h e r l u n g s , e m p t y n o w , b e g i n n i n g t o s t r a i n .
W h e n she breaks the surface, her m o u t h ma ke s a hollow’ whistle;
s h e p u l l s d o w n air, t r e a d s , b r e a t h e s a g a i n , a n d sees t h a t Al e xi s
is s m i l i n g . C a r l y f o l d s i n t o t h e fi rst s t r o k e , a s t i t c h in h e r s i d e ,
d i s t u r b e d b y t h a t g l i m p s e , r e a l i z i n g t h a t Al e xi s ' f ace i n a s m i l e
l o o k s u n n a t u r a l , m o r e l i ke a n a n i m a l , a d o g , b a r i n g its t e e t h in
n e r v o u s n e s s , a n a t t e m p t at p l a c a t i o n . C a r l y ’s t e c h n i q u e is p o o r ;
w a t e r s wi r l s b e t w e e n h e r f i n g e r s . S h e s l o g s f i n a l l y t o t h e s i d e o f
t h e p o o l a n d g r i p s t h e g u t t e r , g a s p i n g , p u s h i n g h e r h a i r o u t of h e r
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eyes w i t h h e r wr i s t .
“ W h e r e ar e t h e k i d s ? ” C a r l y asks.
“At a f r i e n d ’s, ” Al exi s says.
I he s t u d i o s me l l s s t r o n g l y , n e a r l y c h e m i c a l , as i f Al exi s
has b e e n b u r n i n g s o m e t h i n g , a n d w h e n s h e hi t s t h e l i g h t s C a r l y
c a n see s h e ’s c h a n g e d t h e f i x t u r e s a r o u n d so t h a t t h e l a m p s are
t r a i n e d e n t i r e l y o n t h e far we s t wa l l , w h e r e a m a s s i v e c a n v a s l ea ns ,
h e r b i g g e s t yet . Its pl a c e in t h e l i g h t s c o n v e y s t h e i m p r e s s i o n o f a
s t age. It s e e m s b l a n k u n t i l C a r l y w a l k s t o it a n d sees t h e p e n c i l e d
s i l h o u e t t e s , t h e v a g u e f l o a t i n g f o r m s t h a t a p p e a r t o be d r o w n i n g
in t hi s w h i t e n e s s , a r m s o u t s t r e t c h e d , f i n g e r s d a n g l i n g w e i g h t l e s s ly as if b u o y e d . H e a d l e s s . I he s k e t c h e s ar e so l i g h t it is as i f t h e y
have been n ot d r a w n b ut traced.
Al exi s r e m o v e s h e r s u n g l a s s e s , d r o p s t h e m o n a d r a f t t a ­
ble. S h e s t a r e s at h e r p a l e t t e , t h e s t a n d o f b r u s h e s s o a k i n g in t u r ­
p e n t i n e , all a r o u n d her, as if s h e ’s n e v e r s e e n a n y o f it.
“ N o n e o f t h e m h a v e f a c e s , ” C a r l y says.
Al exi s p i c k s u p a p e n c i l . “ I m g o i n g t o h a v e t o let y o u g o , ”
s h e says. S h e b e g i n s t o s k e t c h , casua l l y, w i t h t h e ai r of j o t t i n g a
n o t e . B u t C a r l y c a n see t h e s l i g h t e s t q u i v e r in t h e a r c o f t h e l i ne
t h a t is a s h o u l d e r o n t h e p a g e . “ I ’m s u r e y o u u n d e r s t a n d , ” Al exi s
says. “ You we r e c a r e f u l e n o u g h p u t t i n g t h e r o o m b a c k t o g e t h e r
b u t I c o u l d see t h a t y o u ’d b e e n t h r o u g h t h e c l o t h e s . You we r e t r y ­
i ng t h e m o n , w e r e n ’t y o u ? ”
C a r l y says n o t h i n g , t i g h t e n s t h e b e a c h t o we l a r o u n d h e r ­
self. S h e is s t a n d i n g , by n o w, i n a s ma l l p u d d l e o f p o o l w a t e r t h a t
has d r i p p e d f r o m h e r b a t h i n g s u i t o n t o t h e floor.
N o t t o m e n t i o n , ” Al exi s says, “t h a t y o u ’ve b e e n in h e r e ,
m a n y t i me s . J a c k tells me . N o t t h a t I w o u l d h a v e m i n d e d ,
says,
she
h x c e p t y o u n e v e r a s k e d . A n d so I h a v e t o w o n d e r , w h a t
else y o u ’re c a p a b l e o f . ” N o w C a r l y c a n see t h a t s h e is a l m o s t f ul l y
f o r m e d o n t h e pa ge . J u s t a f ew b r i e f s t r o k e s a n d s h e is t h e r e , p e r -
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fectly recogni zabl e. G e n i u s , she t h i n ks , d e s p i t e herself. Alexis sets
d o wn t he pad.
“ You’re right.
“ You mu s t not t h i n k m u c h o f us, ’ Alexis says. “ But even
so wh y w o u l d you bot he r ? Di d you t h i n k I d never noti ce?
“ I don' t know, ' Ca r l y says. She w o n d e r s if Alexis will cry,
like she di d w h e n T a t u m called her a bi t ch. But Alexis o nl y stares
'
at her, as if Ca r l y mu s t be lying, as if s h e ’s had reasons all al ong.
Car l y start s to feel her skin p u c k e r i n g in t he col d. She realizes
s he’s freezing.
“G o ahe a d a n d c h a n g e , ’ Alexis says, “befor e you cat ch
your deat h .
A year later, after Ca r l y gets o f f her shift at t he daycar e, she a n d
R a d a me s will dri ve past t he We be r s on t he i r way to s m o k e pot
in S t e p h a n i e E m m o n s ’ g u e s t h o u s e whi l e t he fami l y s u m m e r s in
Ma i ne . H e drives a n d she rides s h o t g u n , a n d t he y a r gue over wh a t
s t at i on to play on t he radio. S o m e t i m e s she l ooks r ight at t he W e ­
bers h o u s e a nd s o m e t i m e s she doesn' t , a nd ei t h er way it passes
m o r e q ui c kl y t h a n she expects. S o m e t i m e s t h e kids have been
careless, left o u t a hul a h o o p or a bicycle o v e r t u r n e d on t he lawn,
and t he r e has b e e n a di f f e r e n t car in t he dri ve for m a n y m o n t h s
in place o f B r a d ’s Mer cedes .
I nevi t abl y
she
will
say
to
Radames— who
has
never
t h o u g h t to ask h o w she got t he key to t he E m m o n s g u e s t h o u s e ,
w h o drives s t eady a n d slow as a g r a n d m o t h e r — to get on wi t h it
already, a n d t hey will f i nd t hei r wray t h r o u g h t he w o o d s to t he
d a n k g u e s t h o u s e a n d ma k e ou t . In t he d i m n e s s he is all gr a s p i n g
h a n d s , a we i ght on her chest. But a f t e r wa r d, she feels g e n t l e ­
ness. He offers her t he m o u t h o f t he pi pe, pus hes t he l i ght er i nt o
t he bowl , n u r s i n g t he f l ame u n t i l she is d o n e . She w o n d e r s w h a t
b e c a me o f t hat s ket ch, if it ever evol ved to s o m e t h i n g mor e: a
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p o r t r a i t t h a t an a c q u a i n t a n c e m i g h t l o o k at in a gal l e r y a n d say
o f it, Car l y, or if h e r b o d y d r i f t s on in t h a t page, h a l f f i n i s h e d , in
l i m b o like Alexis' b o d y o n t he mu r a l . H e asks w h a t s he is t h i n k ­
i ng a b o u t . She l ooks at h i m , s e a r c h i n g t h e d a r k n e s s for s o m e
r e c o g n i z a b l e l i ne o f his face, a n d c a n n o t t h i n k w h a t t o ans wer .
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