THE
BEST
O F
OGDEN
NASH
Edited by
Linell Nash Smith
IVAN
R . DEE
CHICAGO
Contents
Foreword xxiii
Acknowledgments
xxix
NASHIONAL REFLECTIONS, LIMERICKS, LIMICKS
Pediatric Reflection 5
Reminiscent Reflection 3
Reflection on the Passage of Time, Its Inevitability and
Its Quirks j
Genealogical Reflection 4
Reflection on the Fallibility of Nemesis 4
Reflection on Caution 4
Biological Reflection 4
Theatrical Reflection 4
Reflection on a Wicked World 4
Speculative Reflection
j
Reflection on Nature's Being Sometimes Inscrutable
But Always Wise j
Reflection on Ingenuity 5
Arthur j
Benjamin 5
Carlotta 6
Drusilla 6
fidouard 6
Fragonard 6
Requiem 7
Lather as You Go 7
The Ornithologist 7
First Limick 7
Second Limick 7
Third Limick 8
Untitled Limerick 8
How Pleasant to Ape Mr. Lear
8
FAMILY MATTERS
The Parent 10
To a Small Boy Standing on My Shoes While I Am
Wearing Them 10
The Baby 11
Family Court 11
My Daddy 11
Song to Be Sung by the Father of Infant Female Children iz
Father-in-Law of the Groom 23
Our Child Doesn't Know Anything, or Thank God! J J
Don't Cry, Darling, It's Blood All Right 16
In Which the Poet Is Ashamed But Pleased 17
A Child's Guide to Parents 18
Mr. Ticklefeather 19
Birdies, Don't Make Me Laugh zo
The Tale of Custard the Dragon zi
Thunder over the Nursery 23
Little Feet 24
Judgment Day 25
Children's Party 27
Rainy Day z8
The Facts of Life 251
A Watched Example Never Boils 30
Adventures of Isabel J J
It Is Indeed Spinach 32
The Sniffle 33
I Want a Drink of Water, But Not from the Thermos 34
Water for the Gander 35
Ask Daddy, He Won't Know 35
First Child . . . Second Child 36
Tableau at Twilight 37
Tarkington, Thou Should'st Be Living in this Hour 37
VI
Soliloquy in Circles 39
Untitled 40
Piano Tuner, Untune Me That Tune 40
There's Nothing Like Instinct, Fortunately 41
Lines to Be Embroidered on a Bib, or The Child Is Father of the
Man, But Not for Quite a While 42
A Boy's Will Is the Wind's Will? 42
Fee, Fi, Ho Hum, No Wonder Baby Sucks Her Thumb 43
Daddy's Home, See You Tomorrow 44
Untitled Poem (For the Baptism of a Friend's Daughter) 44
Grandpa Is Ashamed 44
The Gentleman Lady's Maid 44
One Times One Is Eight 45
The Romantic Age 45
HE AND SHE
What Almost Every Woman Knows, Sooner or Later 46
A Lady Thinks She Is Thirty 47
Aside to Husbands 48
Everybody Eats Too Much Anyhow 49
Curl Up and Diet 50
The Evening Out 51
I Never Even Suggested It 52
That Reminds Me 53
To My Valentine 54
Thoughts Thought on an Avenue 55
Summer Serenade J J
I'm Sure She Said Six-Thirty 56
Don't Even Tell Your Wife, Particularly $6
The Trouble with Women Is Men 57
We Don't Need to Leave Yet, Do We?, or Yes We Do 58
Tin Wedding Whistle 59
For Frances 60
I Do, I Will, I Have 61
The Perfect Husband 61
Always Marry an April Girl 6z
Confession to Be Traced on a Birthday Cake 6z
They Won't Believe, on New Year's Eve, That New Year's Day
Will Come What May 63
The Anniversary 64
Vll
Untitled 65
The Nymph and the Shepherd, or She Went That-a-Way 65
My Dream 66
How to Harry a Husband, or Is That Accessory Really
Necessary? 66
There'll Always Be a War Between the Sexes, or A Woman Can Be
Sometimes Pleased, But Never Satisfied 68
Excuse Me Dear, But It Doesn't Go Thisaway, It Goes
Thataway 69
The Spoon Ran Away with the Dish? 70
How Can Echo Answer What Echo Cannot Hear? 71
A Word to Husbands 7Z
The Joyous Malingerer 7Z
The Stilly Night: A Soporific Reflection 73
For Frances, April 12., 1968 74
TRAVELING WITH NASH
Geographical Reflection 75
Song of the Open Road 75
Riding on a Railroad Train 75
A Brief Guide to New York 76
Letter from Omaha 77
The City 78
Dr. Fell and Points West 78
Martha's Vineyard 79
My Trip Daorba 80
I'll Take the High Road Commission 81
Grin and Bear Left 8z
Postcard to Miss Isabel Nash from St. Louis, Missouri 83
2nd Postcard to Miss Linell Nash from Corpus Christi, Texas 83
Postcard to Miss Isabel Nash from New Orleans, Louisiana 84
Postcard to Miss Linell Nash from Des Moines, Iowa 84
Postcard to Miss Linell Nash from Rockford, Illinois 84
Postcard to Miss Linell Nash from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 84
Kipling's Vermont 84
Is It True What They Say About Dixie, or Is It Just the Way They
Say It? 85
Tune for an Ill-Tempered Clavichord 85
The Unwinged Ones 85
Have a Seat Behind the Potted Palm, Sir 86
vui
Manhattan Previews 87
Paradise for Sale 89
The Back of Mine Hand to Mine Host 510
The Redcap 91
London 9Z
Moscow 512
The Azores 512
Madeira 93
Morocco 93
Paris 93
As Gauguin Said to Sadie Thompson, You Pronounce It,
I'll Paint It 94
You Steer and I'll Toot, or All's Slick That Ends Slick 9$
THE SPORTING LIFE
Turns in a Worm's Lane 96
Roulette Us Be Gay 517
The Strange Case of the Ambitious Caddy 98
How Long Has This Been Going On? Oh, Quite Long 100
Slow Down, Mr. Ganderdonk, You're Late 101
Who Taught Caddies to Count? or A Burnt Golfer Fears the
Child
ioz
Line-up for Yesterday 103
The Hunter 106
Mel Allen, Mel Allen, Lend Me Your Cliche 107
Your Lead, Partner, I Hope We've Read the Same Book 108
Untitled Poem (on the 1958 Preakness) 109
You Can't Kill an Oriole 110
My Mind Is Reeling 111
Mr. Judd and His Snail, a Sorry Tale, or Never Underestimate the
Wisdom of a Sage of the Ages
nz
The Armchair Golfer, or Whimpers of a Shortchanged Viewer 114
Coefficients of Expansion (A Guide to the Infant Season) 11 j
From an Antique Land—I 116
From an Antique Land—II 117
THE YEAR IN REVIEW
December—New England Coast
Pretty Halcyon Days
izo
Seaside Serenade
IZI
119
IX
Man Bites Dog-Days J22
A Carol for Children J23
The Boy Who Laughed at Santa Claus J24
One Third of a Calendar
iz6
Put Back Those Whiskers, I Know You J27
It's a Grand Parade It Will Be, Modern Design iz8
September Is Summer, Too, or It's Never Too Late to Be
Uncomfortable 1Z9
Trick or Trek 130
A Word About Winter 130
I Remember Yule 131
I Always Say There's No Place Like New York in the Summer, or
That Cottage Small by a Waterfall Was Snapped Up Last
February 13Z
Scrooge Rides Again, or A Christmas Poem 133
Halloween Hoodlums: Go Home! 136
Christmas Hash 13 8
PERSONS OF INTEREST
Look What You Did, Christopher! 139
Captain John Smith J42
Dragons Are Too Seldom 143
Columbus 144
Two and One Are a Problem 145
Untitled (Place card for a cousin at a dinner party, 1945) 146
Untitled 147
Max Schling, Max Schling, Lend Me Your Green Thumb—
A Travelogue of Flowery Catalogues 147
The Strange Case of the Lovelorn Letter Writer J47
Fables Bulfinch Forgot: The Thirteenth Labor of Hercules 148
Fables Bulfinch Forgot: Medusa and the Mot Juste 149
Fables Bulfinch Forgot: Chloe and the Roue IJO
Leda's Fortunate Gaffe J J J
Ms. Found Under a Serviette in a Lovely Home IJZ
Brief Lives in Not So Brief—I 153
Brief Lives in Not So Brief—II 255
The Entrapment of John Alden, or We Paint the Lily, We Beard Mr.
Longfellow 156
While Homer Nodded: A Footnote to the Iliad J57
The Slipshod Scholar Gets Around to Greece IJ8
Three Little Maids from School 159
But I Could Not Love Thee, Ann, So Much, Loved I Not Honore
More 160
A NASHIONAL MENAGERIE
The Oyster i6z
The Phoenix i6z
The Cobra 163
The Lama 163
The Cow 163
The Fish 163
The Turtle 164
The Pig 164
The Rhinoceros 164
The Stork 164
The Wapiti 164
How to Tell a Quail from a Partridge 16j
The Giraffe 166
The Camel 166
The Turkey 166
The Duck 167
Locust-Lovers, Attention! 167
The Centipede 168
The Ant 169
The Hippopotamus J 6 ^
The Purist 169
The Shrew 169
The Rooster 270
The Sea Gull 170
The Egg 170
The Panther 170
The Kitten 171
The Squirrel J7J
Glossina Morsitans, or The Tsetse 171
The Panda 171
The Porpoise 17Z
Creeps and Crawls J72
Two Dogs Have I J72
Please Pass the Biscuit J74
The Octopus 17J
XI
The Fly J75
The Canary J75
The Termite 175
The Jellyfish 175
The Kangaroo 175
The Eel 176
The Grackle 176
The Skink 176
I Happen to Know 176
The Shark J77
The Mermaid 177
The Gander J77
The Wasp 177
The Frog 178
The Asp 178
The Amoeba J7#
Pastoral 178
The Lion J79
The Guppy 179
The Porcupine 179
For a Good Dog 180
Who Called That Robin a Piccolo Player?
Next! 181
A Caution to Everybody i8z
A Dog's Best Friend Is His Illiteracy i8z
The Caterpillar 183
The Chipmunk r#3
The Platypus 184
The Bat 184
The Squid J # 4
The Squab 185
The Praying Mantis 185
The Manatee ztfj
Up from the Egg: The Confessions of a Nuthatch Avoider - 185
The Snark Was a Boojum Was a Prawn
The Ostrich 187
The Shrimp 187
The Emmet x#7
Capercaillie, Ave Atque Vaillie 188
Xll
The Kipper 188
The Dog 189
Hark, Hark, The Larks Do Bark 189
High, Low the Comedy: A Winter's Tale 190
Complaint to the Management of Cross Keys 190
The Whale 191
To a Foolish Dog 191
The Hyena 19Z
The Python 19Z
The Coelacanth 19Z
The Elk 19Z
Tyrannosaurus Rex 193
WHAT'S IN A WORD?
Very Like a Whale 194
An Enthusiast Is a Devotee Is a Rooter, or Mr. Hemingway,
Meet Mr. Stengel 19j
What Is Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo in Sanskrit? 196
Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is, or A Great Big Wonderful
World It's 197
This Is My Own, My Native Tongue 198
The Club Car 199
Let's Not Play Lotto, Let's Just Talk 199
Good-By Now, or Pardon My Gauntlet 200
Who'll Buy My Lingual, or You Pronounce Pluie, Louie zoi
Oafishness Sells Good, Like an Advertisement Should 201
Do You Plan to Speak Bantu? or Abbreviation Is the Thief of
Sanity 202
Chacun a Son Berlitz 203
Shall We Dance? Being the Confessions of a Balletramus—II Z03
Laments for a Dying Language—III 203
Laments for a Dying Language—IV Z04
A Mint of Phrases, or A Team Is as Strong as Its Bench Z04
Untitled zo$
'
The Sad Case of the Expatriate Socialite, or It's Never in the
Phrase Book zo$
One Man's Opiate zo6
What Do You Want, a Meaningful Dialogue or a Satisfactory
Talk? 207
Xlll
TO YOUR HEALTH
Oh to Be Odd! zo8
Winter Complaint
zo8
The Germ zio
I'm Terribly Sorry for You, But I Can't Help Laughing
zn
The Common Cold ziz
This Is Going to Hurt Just a Little Bit Z13
Complaint to Four Angels Z14
When the Devil Was Sick, Could He Prove It? Z15
A Bulletin Has Just Come In 216
Allergy in a Country Churchyard Z17
Samson Agonistes zi8
Visitors Laugh at Locksmiths, or Hospital Doors Haven't Got
Locks Anyhow zi8
What to Do Until the Doctor Goes, or It's Tomorrow Than You
Think Z19
Cousin Euphemia Knows Best, or Physician, Heal Somebody
Else 220
The Old Dr.'s Valentine to His Only Millionaire zzi
Old Dr. Valentine to His Son 221
Peekaboo, I Almost See You 221
And How Keen Was the Vision of Sir Launfal? zzz
What, No Sheep? 223
Can I Get You a Glass of Water? or Please Close the Glottis
After You 224
Untitled 225
Untitled 225
THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR
Old Men II 22 £
The Party 2Z7
Untitled zz8
Time Marches On zz8
Under the Floor 229
Listen... 230
The Screen with the Face with the Voice
Any Millenniums Today, Lady? 233
The Wendigo Z34
Tweedledee and Tweedledoom 235
xiv
231
The Buses Headed for Scranton 235
How Many Miles to Babylon? Z36
The Bargain Z3 6
A Tale of the Thirteenth Floor Z3 6
The Abominable Snowman 240
The Birthday That Never Was: A February Fantasy 240
The Miraculous Countdown 242
The Solitary Huntsman 245
Notes for the Chart in 306 245
A Dream of Innocent Orgies, or The Most Unforgettable Characters
I Never Met Z47
THIS AMERICAN LIFE: BEHIND THE SCENES
Lines Indited with All the Depravity of Poverty 2451
Invocation zjo
Peekaboo, I See a Red 25X
The Pulpiteers Have Hairy Ears 251
Reflection on the Depression—What's a Depression? 252
Love Under the Republicans (or Democrats) Z53
Birth Comes to the Archbishop ZJ3
Money Is Everything 254
The Terrible People 254
The Beggar Z55
Don't Sell America Short z$6
Yes and No 256
Election Day Is a Holiday Z57
The Very Unclubbable Man 258
Ma, What's a Banker? or Hush, My Child z$9
Goody for Our Side and Your Side Too z6o
I Yield to My Learned Brother or Is There a Candlestick Maker in
the House? 2£2
One from One Leaves Two 263
Let Me Buy This One Z64
Bankers Are Just Like Anybody Else, Except Richer • 265
Prayer at the End of a Rope 266
First Payment Deferred 2^7
A Penny Saved Is Impossible z68
Whittling Joe Z69
The Second Month It's Not Itemized Z70
xv
I Can't Stop Unless You Stop, or Lines Addressed to a Man Making
$5,000 a Year Who Overtips a Man Making $10,000 a Year to
Make Himself Feel He's Making $20,000 a Year 27J
Father, Dear Father, Go Jump in the Lake, or You're Costlier Than
You Think 272
Period Period Z73
Exit, Pursued by a Bear 274
Lines Fraught with Naught But Thought Z74
Is There an Oculist in the House? 275
Little Pretty Penny, Let's Squander Thee Z76
If He Were Alive Today, Mayhap, Mr. Morgan Would Sit on the
Midget's Lap Z77
What's Hecuba to Him? A One-minute Close-up, or Some Noses for
News Are for Tweaking 27$
Untitled Limerick 279
Untitled 275?
The Filibuster 280
Yes-and-No Man 280
Political Reflection z8i
Roadblock z8i
Mini-Jabberwocky 281
The Collector 281
EAT, DRINK, AND BE MERRY
Reflections on Ice-Breaking 2 #2
Parsley for Vice-President! 2 #2
Further Reflection on Parsley 284
A Drink with Something in It 2^4
Home, 99 and 44/100% Sweet Home z8$
The Party Next Door Z87
Assorted Chocolates 288
Celery z88
The Parsnip z88
The People Upstairs 288
Not Even for Brunch 2 #51
The Strange Case of Mr. Palliser's Palate 289
How Do You Say Ha-Ha in French? 2510
Postcard to Miss Isabel Nash from Chicago, Illinois 291
Postcard to Miss Linell Nash from Corpus Christi, Texas Z91
The Private Dining Room Z91
xvi
Snap, Crackle, Pop 25*2
The Invitation Says from Five to Seven Z93
How to Tell a Kitchen from a Cuisine: Take a Quick Look at
Ours 2514
The Pizza Z95
You'll Drink Your Orange Juice and Like It, Comrade 2515
You've Got to Be Mr. Pickwick If You Want to Enjoy a Picnic Z96
Menu Macabre Z97
The Darkest Half-hour, or Too Early Is the Time for All Good
Guests to Come to the Aid of the Party Z98
Taste Buds, En Garde! Z99
Table Talk—No. 1, The Hog Z99
No Trouble at All, It's as Easy as Falling Off a Portable Bar Z99
THE AGES OF MAN
A Bas Ben Adhem 301
More About People 30Z
Old Men 303
The Seven Spiritual Ages of Mrs. Marmaduke Moore 303
The Return 305
It Must Be the Milk 306
Will Consider Situation 307
The Middle 308
Let's Not Climb the Washington Monument Tonight 308
Good Riddance, But Now What? 3051
Eheu! Fugaces, or What a Difference a Lot of Days Make 309
I Didn't Say a Word, or Who Called That Piccolo Player a
Father? 310
You Can Be a Republican, I'm a Gerontocrat 3XJ
The Voluble Wheelchair 3 X2
Birthday on the Beach 3 X3
Crossing the Border 3 J3
Come On In, the Senility Is Fine 3 X4
Eh? 314
The Sunset Years of Samuel Shy 3 x j
The Wrongs of Spring, or No All Fools' Day Like an
All Old Fools'Day 317
A Man Can Complain, Can't He? (A Lament for Those Who Think
Old) 318
Preface to the Past 319
xvn
THE CURTAIN RISES—NASHIONAL PERFORMANCES
Untitled 3Z0
Four Prominent So-and-So's 32X
One Touch of Venus 3Z4
How Much I Love You 3ZJ
I'm a Stranger Here Myself 3Z6
West Wind 3Z7
Foolish Heart 3Z8
The Trouble with Women 32$
Speak Low 330
That's Him 331
Low and Lazy 333
Round About 334
A Little Love, a Little Money 336
Just Like a Man 337
Out of the Clear Blue Sky 339
Haunted Hotspot 340
Fly Now and Pay Later 341
Born Too Late 342
This Lovely World 343
I'm Too Young to Be a Widow 344
"The Mother Goose Suite," or Fairy Tales for Promenades
Between Birthdays and Other Innocent Verses 347
The Carnival of the Animals 350
345
FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION
Common Sense 354
Look for the Silver Lining 354
Lines to a World-famous Poet Who Failed to Complete a
World-famous Poem, or Come Clean, Mr. Guest! 35$
Hearts of Gold, or A Good Excuse Is Worse Than None 356
The Case of Identity 357
Are You a Snodgrass? 359
Grasshoppers Are Very Intelligent 3 60
Kindly Unhitch That Star, Buddy 3^x
Suppose I Darken Your Door 36Z
May I Drive You Home, Mrs. Murgatroyd? 364
A Plea for a League of Sleep 3 6$
Portrait of the Artist as a Prematurely Old Man 3 66
xvni
Good-by, Old Year, You Oaf, or Why Don't They Pay the
Bonus? 367
A Clean Conscience Never Relaxes 3 68
Just Keep Quiet and Nobody Will Notice 3 69
A Stitch Too Late Is My Fate 3 70
Don't Grin, or You'll Have to Bear It 371
Experience to Let 37z
Interoffice Memorandum 373
It's Snug to Be Smug 374
Mr. Barcalow's Breakdown 375
Pipe Dreams 376
How Now, Sirrah? Oh, Anyhow 377
No Wonder Our Fathers Died 378
Nature Knows Best 3 80
Untitled 381
Don't Guess, Let Me Tell You 3 81
Hush, Here They Come 3 8z
Everybody Tells Me Everything 3 83
Don't Look for the Silver Lining, Just Wait for It 3 83
I'll Write Their Number Down When We Get Home 3 84
Suppose He Threw It in Your Face 3 8j
Allow Me, Madam, But It Won't Help 385
Seeing Eye to Eye Is Believing 3 86
You and Me and P. B. Shelley 387
Will You Have Your Tedium Rare or Medium? 387
I Will Arise and Go Now 3 88
Two Goes into Two Once, If You Can Get It There 3 89
What's in a Name? Some Letter I Always Forget 390
I'll Eat My Split-Level Turkey in the Breezeway 391
It Would Have Been Quicker to Walk, or Don't Tell Me We're
There Already 3512
So I Resigned from the Chu Chin Chowder and
Marching Club 393
Never Mind the Overcoat, Button Up That Lip 394
I Spy, or The Depravity of Privacy 39 j
Jack Do-Good-for-Nothing: A Cursory Nursery Tale for
Tot-Baiters 396
Unfortunately, It's the Only Game in Town 397
A Strange Casement of the Poetic Apothecary 398
xix
Boston Robbery 398
O Tempora, Oh-Oh! 399
God Bless the Gideons, or There's Always the King James
Version 400
Just Holmes and Me, and Mnemosyne Makes Three 401
If a Boder Meet a Boder, Need a Boder Cry? Yes 40z
The Ferry 403
Bet You a Nickel My Unhappiness Can Lick Your
Unhappiness 403
Which the Chicken, Which the Egg? 404
He Didn't Dare Look, or The Puzzling Uniqueness of Mr. Saltbody's
Meekness 404
NASH'S WORLD
The Reward 406
Spring Comes to Murray Hill 406
Introspective Reflection 407
Hymn to the Sun and Myself 407
Lines to Be Muttered Through Clenched Teeth and Quite a Lot of
Lather, in the Country 408
No, You Be a Lone Eagle 409
When You Say That, Smile! or All Right, Then, Don't Smile 410
Cat Naps Are Too Good for Cats 4x2
The Wishing Well 413
Splash! 414
Waiting for the Birdie 4x6^
Where There's a Will, There's Velleity 417
Kind of an Ode to Duty 418
Golly, How Truth Will Out! 4x5?
So That's Who I Remind Me Of 420
Untitled 42X
Untitled 42 x
No Doctors Today, Thank You 421
Not George Washington's, Not Abraham Lincoln's, But Mine 422
So Does Everybody Else, Only Not So Much 423
Compliments of a Friend 424
Who Did Which? or Who Indeed? 425
How to Get Along with Yourself, or I Recommend Softening of the
Oughteries 426
Each June I Make a Promise Sober 427
xx
I Can Hardly Wait for the Sandman 428
Ring out the Old, Ring in the New, But Don't Get Caught in
Between 429
Come, Come, Kerouac! My Generation Is Beater Than Yours 431
Untitled 432
The Nonbiography of a Nobody 432
The Quack Frown Sox Lumps Oven the—or, Farewell Phi Beta
Kafka 434
Chant at the End of a Beginningless Summer 435
Never Was I Born to Set Them Right 43 6
The Maverick 437
I Didn't Go to Church Today 43 8
Index of Poems 4351
Index of First Lines
451