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Becoming a Narcissist Whisperer
Narrative approaches to working well with
Narcissistic Men and their Families
S. David Hall, Psy.D., LMFT, LPC
The Narrative Institute
www.narrativeinstitute.org
Background of Narrative Therapy
• In the aftermath of World War II,
physicians, psychoanalysts, social
workers, and researchers began looking
more intently at the family unit in regards
to psychological health
• Family systems theory emerged as the
early dominate force in family therapy,
seeing social roles and rules as the
shaping factors of mental health.
Background of Narrative Therapy
Post-Structuralism and Existentialism
• Beginning in the 1980s some theorists and
practitioners began critiquing the cultural
assumptions in many earlier family
therapies.
• Post-structuralism, existentialism, and
postmodernism were some of the driving
forces in these reevaluations
• Post-Structuralism is a philosophical
approach which sees no experienced
structure as constant, independent of its
means of interpretation
• Existentialism sees the beginning of all
knowledge as stemming from the personal
experience of the individual.
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Postmodern Culture and
Narrative Therapy
• Postmodernism rejects the concept of
absolute truth independent of context,
instead suggesting that each person
constructs his or her own reality.
• This approach values diversity and
validates an individual’s experience.
• Meaning making and social constructs
are critical in this view.
Narrative Family Therapy
• Michael White, B.S.W (19482008)
– Australian therapist and postmodern thinker in regards to
understanding family problems
• David Epston, M.A. (1944-)
– New Zealander colleague of
White, co-wrote with White the
major work of Narrative Family
Therapy: Narrative Means to
Therapeutic Ends.
Narrative in Postmodern Therapies
• Starting in the 1980s, some theorists and
therapists began to reject some of the
modernist and firmly structured theoretical
underpinnings which early therapies assumed.
• Their rejection of absolutes independent of
context led these therapists to see the form and
structure of language as even more important
than before.
• How a family formed and expressed its
“narrative” became central in understanding a
family’s problems and creating solutions.
Narrative Family Therapy
• Narrative Family Therapy sees dysfunctional
families as having thin narratives, which a
therapist helps them to thicken and thus see
new solutions.
– i.e. “my father never loved me”
• Narrative Family Therapy sees context as
essential to understanding people and the
importance of their language.
• “A beginning is an artifice, and what
recommends one over another is how much
sense it makes out of what follows.” –Ian McEwan
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Narcissistic Personality Disorder
• Definition
Understanding Narcissism
in Action
• “A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in
fantasy or behavior), need for admiration,
and lack of empathy, beginning by early
adulthood and present in a variety of
contexts” (APA, 2000).
Seeing Narcissism in “Spectrum”
Narcissism in Action
• Mental healthy professionals such and Len
Sperry, M.D., Ph.D. have pushed for an
understanding of disorders of the
personality to be seen more in a
“spectrum.” With a small percentage of
individuals (1%) falling into the category of
diagnosable Narcissistic Personality
Disorder, but with many other individuals
showing less, or less severe, traits
• Presentation: Will often enter
treatment for reasons they see as
external to themselves (conflict with
children, spouse, work, church, legal)
• Will not easily see themselves as part
of the “real” problem, but will
sometimes give lip service to superficial
points (“we don’t communicate well”)
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Narcissism in Action
• Typical Family of Origin: Can have
been overindulged, over-praised, and
over valued by family; but the
attention is shallow in nature and
deeper and healthy affirmation is
withheld
– i.e., Valuing of performance
– i.e., Affirming through money
Narcissism in Action
• Often times individuals with Narcissistic
leanings present as charming, powerful,
and loyal in relationships.
• They will maintain this as long as the
relationship is meeting what they see their
needs to be, and will turn to devaluing
when it does not.
Narcissism in Action
• Defense Mechanisms
– Idealization
• A person or object is all good
– Devaluation
• A person or object is all bad
– Denial
• Insisting on a point of view that maintains their
grandiose view of themselves, actions, and/or
achievements; even when logic and evidence
clearly show otherwise.
Narcissism in Action
• Archetype of the Narcissistic Male
– The Hero- The benevolent center of the story
who will do good, and should be admired and
adored.
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Narcissism and Woman
• Narcissistic Personality Disorder in
Females
– More likely to present with women in
masculine vocations and who interact in male
centered social settings.
– Current studies have focused on traits of
willfulness and unhelp autonomy as hallmarks
of narcissism in females
– Some theorists suggest that Borderline
Personality Disorder can be seen as a
feminine version of Narcissism
Borderline Personality Disorder
• Archetype of the Borderline Female
– The Amazon Woman- Feels wronged by the
world but is resentful of how she has to protect
herself.
Borderline Personality Disorder
• Definition: Intense fluctuation in
mood and interpersonal relationships.
Chronic feelings of emptiness. Recurrent
suicidal thoughts or gestures. Often lack
purpose and direction in long-term goals
Narcissist vs. Antisocial
• 25% of men who meet the criteria for
Narcissist Personality Disorder also meet
the criteria for Antisocial Personality
Disorder.
• Looking at comparative diagnostics
between the two groupings is warranted.
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Antisocial Personality Disorder
• Definition
• Shows a pervasive disregard for, and
violation of, the rights of others. High
impulsivity, deceitfulness, disregard of
safety for others and/or self, and general
failure to abide by social norms or laws.
The Narcissistic Couple
• As a general rule, narcissist leaning men
tend to connect with partners who are also
in the Cluster B leanings of personalities
Antisocial Personality Disorder
• Archetype of the Antisocial Males
– The Anti-Hero- Does necessarily see
themselves as “good,” but as “smart,”
“strong,” and “opportunistic.”
Couples Work—Cluster B Couples
Narcissistic
Idealize/Devalue
Antisocial
victimize, overt power
Histrionic
passive, seductive
Borderline
Idealize/Devalue
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Couples Work—Cluster B Couples
Histrionic
Narcissistic
passive, seductive
Idealize/Devalue
Couples Work—Cluster B Couples
Histrionic
Narcissistic
passive, seductive
Idealize/Devalue
Axis of Popularity
CORE
Empower
Accept
Affirm
Antisocial
victimize, overt power
Borderline
Idealize/Devalue
Histrionic Personality Disorder
• Defined by self -drama, exaggerated
attention seeking behavior. These clients
are manipulative, egocentric, often
sexually seductive and lack genuineness.
Only disorder connected to a persons
physical appearance. (Above average
physical appearance)
Antisocial
victimize, overt power
Borderline
Idealize/Devalue
Histrionic Personality Disorder
• Archetype of the Histrionic Female
– Damsel in Distress-Longs to be Rescued
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Couples Work—Cluster B Couples
Histrionic
Narcissistic
passive, seductive
Idealize/Devalue
Axis of Power
Antisocial
victimize, overt power
Co-Dependent- The Interloper
• Definition: One who enables and supports
the dysfunctional behavior and system of the
Cluster B partner
• Presents as the concerned or exasperated
caregiver
• Often conflict avoidant
Borderline
Idealize/Devalue
Co-Dependent- The Interloper
Couples Work—Cluster B Couples
• Archetype of the Co-Dependent Spouse
– The Martyr/Tragic Hero- Is caught up in how
their sacrifice will save their spouse at some point
Histrionic
Narcissistic
passive, seductive
Idealize/Devalue
Co-Depedents
CORE
Empower
Accept
Affirm
Antisocial
victimize, overt power
Borderline
Idealize/Devalue
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The Therapeutic Process
The Therapeutic Process
• Narcissistic men have been shown to see
therapy as less effective and the therapist
less competent if they feel they are
receiving negative feedback.
• Many therapists can get frustrated and feel
like they are getting into power struggles
with narcissistic clients that tend to
increase therapist resentment and client
resistance
• One of the wonderful things about
Narrative Therapy is that it is focused on
helping the client “develop” there story
without invalidating it.
• The client is left as the expert on their own
story, this place of power in therapy can
help narcissistic men feel less defensive
and be more open to more permissive for
therapeutic guidance.
Thickening a Thin Story
Externalization
• Where a thin story is rigid and simple (i.e.
“My wife is selfish”), a thick story is a
multistory that allows for different
directions to be taken and can incorporate
important subplots
• Narrative therapy challenges the ways clients
make a difficulty a part of their identity. In telling
their story, a client might talk about how they
felt particularly anxious; like when they got
transferred to a different city in their job. A
narrative therapy approach might ask the client
to give a name to this anxious feeling and they
may start calling it, “Pressure.”
• The dysfunction then ceases to be part of the
identity and therefore has less power.
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Unique Outcomes
Therapeutic Audiencing
• “Can you remember a time when Pressure
didn’t have such a strong voice in your life?
When to you think Pressure has been at his
weakest in your story?”
• By finding a point when the outside problem
was weak or not present, the client can then
explore the reasons for this and use the learned
strategies to disempower the problem as they
are experiencing it presently
Narcissistic Considerations
• Determining the severity of the narcissism
shapes how you think of conceptualizing
therapeutic goals.
• Find a continuum point:
• As therapy progresses, the client should ideally
be in a place where they own and are retelling
the positive narrative changes that have taken
place during therapy. In response to these new
retellings, the therapist engages in a technique
called therapeutic audiencing, which involves
the therapist expressing encouragement to the
new ways the client is expressing their
narrative.
Narcissistic Considerations
• Transference/Countertransference:
• Not for the Faint of Heart
• You Know you are sucked in When you
buy into and react to the caricatures
More: management
Less: insight
More Severe
Less Severe
Less: management
More: insight
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Narcissistic Considerations
• Other Factors to Consider
• Length of treatment
• How many Narcissists at a time (self-care)
• Boundaries
• Comfort with conflict
• Contract at beginning to avoid
abrupt/premature termination
• External Support Systems
Resources
• McWilliams, N. (1994) Psychoanalytic
Diagnosis: Understanding Personality structure
in the Clinical Process. New York, NY, Guilford
Press
• Masterson, J. F. (1976) Psychotherapy of the
Borderline Adult: A Developmental Approach,
New York: Brunner/Mazel
• Mueller, W. J. and Aniskiewitz, A. S. (1986)
Psychotherapeutic Intervention in Hysterical
Disorders, northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson
• White, M. & Epston, D. (1990). Narrative means
to therapeutic ends. New York: Norton
Resources
• Beck, A.T., Freeman, A. & Associates (1990) Cognitive
Therapy of Personality Disorders, New York, NY, Guilford
Press.
• Sue, D., Sue, D., Sue, S. (1994) Understanding Abnormal
Behavior, 4th ed., Boston, MA, Houghton Mifflin
• Bartels, N.E., Crotty, T.D. (1992). A systems approach to
treatment: Borderline Personality Disorder skill training
manual.
• Gunderson, J.G. & Ronningstam, E. (2001). Differentiating
narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders. Journal of
Personality Disorders; Apr; 15, 2; pg. 103
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