CUZ
I AM S
P O EM S
and PA P ER S
"
w
"
w
B
:
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/
5
g
.
O USI N S
E D I T O R O F T H E S O UT
P
H ERN
H AR M AC EUT I CAL J O UR NAL
DALLAS, T E "AS
A RT
H UR
S M AT
.
HIS
,
Pu
b li h
s
er
Co p y r i g h t D e c e m
By Ar t h u r S M a t h i s
.
P R I N T ED I N
T H E D A LLA S
b
an d
e r,
W
TH E U
.
PR ESS,
H
.
8
Co u s i n s
.
.
I NC
.
b
i
b
k
I h e re y d e d cat e t h i s
oo
to
J o h n A We e s o f Ba l l i n g e r , T e x a s ,
a n d E rn e s t Be r g e r o f T a m p a , F la
T h e y a r e t h e t wo p a l s wh o h av e
o f t h e i n s p rat o n
u rn i s h e d mu c h
fo r i t s c o nt e n t s
.
k
.
f
i
.
i
PREFA CE
When M r Cous ins wrote I
a Smi le he p ro d uc e d
H e lives the p hil o s
a gem and wrote h i s o wn biogra p hy
o p h y th e rein ex p re s sed
”
“
A s he is o n e who H aint bank eri n fu r the limelight
”
“
it was
Th e Cha p That L ive s Next Door
a s he s ays in
n o t easy to induce him t o give his cons ent to the p ub lica
tion of this b ook H e fina l ly consented as a result o f my
arg ument that the world is full of p a pular b ooks devoid o f
”
“
ei t her humor o r horse sense an d there is certa i nly room
for o n e containing b oth
“
.
”
m
a
.
.
’
,
,
.
,
.
D u ring my twenty four years in t h e bo o k trade sea rch
ing f or good sell ers that were worth sel li ng the r e ap
e
re
m
a
d
n
o
ly
occasionally
a
volu
e that a ppe aled to me as
p
s omething original an d worth while
T here i s in M r
C ousins writing a distinct o ri g inali t y an d a p ec u li a r
c harm combining humor satire and ph iloso p hy
-
,
.
.
’
,
.
O ne thing that is le ft out o f mo s t b o o k s is i n f ormatio n
c on cerning t h e author s life
It see ms to me that when
r eading a boo k the reader woul d a pp reciate a brie f sket c h
o f the author
M r Co u sins is a p roduc t o f the grea t
S outhwes t—o f the nat u ral and unadult er ated va r iety
In his own words the facts are :
’
.
.
.
.
Bo
rn
near Wa o
c
,
T exas ,
Au g u st
1 8, 1 87 9
.
in t h e s chool of ex p erienc e
F irst j ob ( not p osition ) with F M M ort o n
and Joe L ee F ergu son o n the M N Ranch
Combination bron k b uster an d horse wrang
ler
L ater p ro moted to trail co ok f or t h e
M N s moving her d s to O klahoma
E du c ated
.
.
.
.
.
-
.
-
.
’
.
.
.
a
Carried
a
“
“
Pharmaco p oeia
”
Pra ctice o f Pharmacy and
United S t at es
R e nu n g t o n
’
s
”
,
,
1
‘
a copy of Roget s Thesauru s o f E n g lish
”
Words in the chuck box b ehind the flour
sack Joe L ee F erguson swears that to this
d ay he has indigestion f rom eati ng sour
d ough b iscuits that I made in 1 899 Wa s a
valet to T exas steers unti l 1 90 0
“
’
-
.
.
.
L ater f ors oo k a princely sal ary of $3 0 a
month "climbed o f? of a cow p ony learn e d
t o wear a collar and ro ll compound cathartic
pills in T errell s D rug Store at H a s k ell
Pass e d
T exas sixty miles from a railroa d
an examination bef ore a district b oard o f
pharmacy com p osed of F red Gr ayu m o f
S nyder T exas "Caleb L T errell o f H askell
T exas and I P Collier o f Aspermont T exas
June 24 1 90 2
Started Cousins D rug S tore at M u nday
Texas fi fty miles f rom the terminus of the
Wichita Valley an alleged railroad T h e
principal items of merchandise in the stoc k
of this store was strychnine sulphate i n
pound tins and carbon disulphide in iron
barre ls The former was f or wolves and the
latter for p rairie do gs
Bought the Palace Drug S tore at Wichita
F alls Texas in 1 9 1 5
L ater sold the store
a t M unday t o Clarence A E iland i t s p resent
o wner
S old the Palace Drug Store in 1 9 1 5
B ought
Th e
Ph a r ma c eu ti ca l
S ou t h e rn
Was elected secre
J ou r na l April 1 5 1 9 1 5
t ary treasurer of the Texas Pharmaceutical
Association in 1 9 1 5 Was elected pres i dent
o f the National Association o f Retail D rug
gists in Cleveland in 1 9 1 8
,
’
,
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,
,
,
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,
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,
,
,
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~
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,
-
.
.
the material in this volum e has b een taken
from Th e S ou th ern Ph ar ma ceu ti ca l J ou r ua l with out
change or modification in any way
ART H U R S M AT H I S
Dallas T exas
M ost
of
.
.
,
.
.
IN DE"
Across the Counter
Awa k ening of E mory ( T h e )
Business Ne e ds o f Pharmacy ( The )
Camouflage ( T h e )
Chap T hat L ives Next Door ( T h e )
Christmas Greeting ( A )
Danger of Alcoholic M e d i c me ( The )
D ouble Nu i sance Tax ( T h e )
D rama of L ife ( The )
D ruggist ( The )
Druggist and H i s T roubles ( The )
D ruggists and Vacations
Druggist the Goat ( The )
D ruggist to H i s Wi f e ( A )
D rug Store Romance ( A )
E ditorial C ob Pi p e ( The )
F able o f Sp a rt i c u s Jawsmith M D ( The )
F ishing
G enerally S p eaking
,
.
.
1 33
1 13
155
81
60
69
1 84
1 89
79
1 47
1 80
1 79
80
1 72
95
1 69
1 07
1 37
G reat
D ecrease in Drinkers
H ec k Rogers
1 81
181
I AM
Alcohol
Ambition
America
American L iberty L oan Bond ( an )
American Red Cross Nurse ( the )
Ar i sto cracy of Brains ( the )
Automobile ( the )
Boy in the Trenches ( the )
Chemist ( the )
n
u
63
44
45
47
22
35
46
31
I
AM
Cigarette ( the )
Country D oc tor ( t h e )
Credit
Customer ( the )
Democ racy
E mpress Nicotine
E xperience
F aith
F lap p er ( the )
G ra f ter ( the )
H unch ( the )
I n e fi i ci e n cy
'
Jellybean ( the )
John Barleycorn
Kais e r ( the )
M o rp hine
N A R D ( th e )
N e w O rlean s
Newsie ( a )
New Year ( the )
N ickel Cigar ( the )
Peace
Perseverance
Precedent
Print e d Page ( the )
Procrastination
S ales M anager ( the )
S a n Antonio
S choo l o f E xperience ( a )
S lacker ( a )
S mile ( a )
Spring
S teel
S ystem
T elephone ( the )
Texas
Texas S tate F air ( the )
T ime
T oday
Traveling M an ( the )
U S A ( the )
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I
AM
War
Your Business
Your Druggist
Your O il Stock
Your Printer
Jobber (T h e )
John Barleycorn L eaving T exas
L etter o f Advice on Running a News p a p er
M e n o f the O ld West
M o d ern Pha rmacy Questions
M other and the G irls
Nerve
New Us e for an O ld Chemical ( A )
O klahoma Round Up ( T h e )
O ne for the Irish
O ne Woman ( T h e )
O riginal Cost ( The )
Passing o f Jack L ondon ( T h e )
Price of S uccess ( T h e )
Round Up in New Awl e a n s ( A )
S ervice and the H igh Cost of L iving
Som e F acts About the Doct o r
S ome G ra f ters I H ave Kno wn
Some Im p ressions o f the Journey
S ome Retail Drug Store E xperiences
S ome S pecialty Crook s I H ave M e t
S tate B oard Questions
T ake M e Back
T ennessee H ero ( A )
T e r ba c k e r S moke
T exas
T hat M ea n L etter
T hat Round U p in M em p his
T hink er ( T h e )
T hings T hat Come in a D r ug S tore
T ile and T ill
T oast to the Kaiser
-
-
"
-
T o M y So n
T o t h e Bride
T o the C V D A
T raveling S alesman ( T h e )
T ri ute ( A )
Uni versal Peace
What Are You G oing to D o ?
.
.
.
.
b
When a
M an
s a M an
Work or F ight
’
I AM S
13
a bou q uet that may be p laced i n
hands of the l ivi ng but not on the
b i er of the dead
AM
th e
.
—I dri ve anger from the face of the
fighti ng man fear from the l i p s of a
ch i ld and arrest the des p ondent thrust
of self destruct i on
,
-
.
—I am the emblem of un iv ers al fri end
shi p a token of love and the greatest
asset of the bus i ness world
I have averted murder p revented su i
ci de and brought h O p e to the slough
o f des p ond
—I hav e change d po v erty to O p ulence
gloom to gladness an d turned r i ght
about the courses o f those whose feet
had taken hol d on hell
—I l i ghten the burden of the struggler
temp er the day o f to i l and i llum i nate
life s darkest hours
— I am that w i th wh i ch a beggar has
,
.
-
,
.
,
.
,
’
.
bought a crust of bread the traveler
a draught of water and the enchant
r es s the throne of a k i ng
,
.
I AM A SM I L E
14
I AM S
th e foun d ati on o f accom p li sh
ment the moth er o f ho p e and t h e
tan to wh i c h i s moored succ e ss i n
l if e
AM
,
.
am the d ri vi ng p ower behi n d th e h i s
tory mak ers o f the world
I
-
.
—I steel th e wear y trav eler to another
m i le on the u ph ill roa d and ma ke hi m
forget h i s crushi n g bur d en an d ble e d
i ng f ee t
—I hav e brough t back th e p ro di gal s o n
from the to i ls o f cri me an d shame
—I hav e rescue d mot h er s waywar d
daug h ter from the p r imrose p ath ere
her f eet took h ol d on Hell
—I have sp read ho pe i n t h e slough of
desp ond and cheated the menac i ng
hand of self destru ct i on
I hav e ra i sed the human wreck from
degradat i on s de p ths and turned hi s
face toward hop e and God
— I am a s ha ft of l i ght from the great
beyond wi thout wh i ch all day i n all
l iv es would be of blackest n i ght
— I am that for wh i ch martyrs o f the
ages have g i ven thei r l i ves
I A M F AI T H
.
.
’
.
-
.
’
.
.
.
I AM S
‘
th e ho pe o f amb i t i on t h e p ri ce o f
p rogres s an d th e ch i ef re qu i si te o f
success
AM
,
.
—I am that restless unseen force th at
oads
men
on
to
t
h
e
accom
p
l
i
shment
g
o f the seem i ngly i mp oss i ble T oday
I rear stately stru ctures i n t h e ashes
of y esterday s ru i ns
—I urge and cheer to further act i on th e
t i red hands of th e to i ler wh o but for
.
’
.
me would succumb
.
—M y work b egan at creati on s dawn "
’
my wage i s the accumulate d p rogress
o f th e ages
.
—I hav e con q uered th e sea the earth
,
and the a i r T hose br i ll i ant a cc o mp
l i s h me n t s that are the wonders o f the
p ast the marvels o f the p resent and a
challenge to the future are my hand i
work
.
,
.
— I hav e bu il ded a monument to mysel f
on the sol i d rock o f ex p er i ence
—I have added cub i ts to the mental
stature of man and a cont i nent to the
map of the world
.
.
I AM
P E R S E VE R A NC E
15
16
I AM S
the mot i ve p ower of human
act i on the ma i nsp r i ng of p rog
ress and the heart throb i n the
men who make h i story
AM
,
,
.
— I have brought bread to the s t a r v
i ng educat i on to the unlearned
and fame to the obscure
— T o grat i fy me P er i cles bu i lt
A thens "Homer made a nat i on a
language and a rel i g i on "and N a
l
n
o
e
o
la
i
d
waste
to
a
cont
i
nent
p
,
,
.
,
,
.
have con q uered the w i ld forests
and turned them i nto fields of
golden gra i n that feed the m i ll i on
I
.
I
have unleashed the dogs of war
that have left p est i lence p overty
and death i n the i r wake
,
.
— O n one I have left the mark of
honor "on another the brand of
shame
.
— T o one I am heaven s bless i ng "to
’
another the curse of hell
,
I AM AMBI
.
TI O N
I AMS
17
the M other of E ff i c i enc y the r e
ward o f work and the tutor o f the
world s greatest teachers
AM
,
’
.
— I am the mark that d i sti ngu i shes the
ex p ert from the nov i ce
.
—I am the g i ft of the years the fo u n d a
,
t i on of achi evement and the
success
p ri ce o f
.
—
I am the br i ghtest gem that flashes
from the casket o f man s endowment
I am worth whate v er man i s able t o
p ay even to the last wage p enny of a
l i fe of to i l
I have charted the seas of l i fe on wh i ch
I am the M aster Pi lot
— I am that th i ng w i thout whi ch the r e
sult of human acti on would be th e
w i ldest gamble
—I am the chal i ce from wh i ch all must
dr i nk and from wh i ch no two draughts
’
.
-
.
.
.
shall be the same
.
—I strengthen the hearts of oak stea dy
,
the nerves o f steel and p low deep con
volut i ons i n the brai n of man
—
I am th e trac i ngs on the sei smogra p h
of l i fe
.
.
— I am for the sc i on and the slav e the
,
ph i losop her and th e fool
—I am the v o i ce of th e y ears th at h av e
.
flo wn
.
—I am the y esterd ay b y wh i ch th e mor
row mus t be measure d
.
I A M E "P E R I E NC E
18
I A MS
the wee small vo i ce half
heard and almost u n i n t e l l i g
i ble
AM
.
am the germ of an i dea that
med i tat i on must nurse i nto l i fe
I
.
—I am the w i reless from nowhere
the fleet i ng i mage half seen
through a glass darkly I grow
first i nto an i mp ulse then i nto
act i on
,
.
,
.
have led men on to con q uer
the world and no man ever
reached success W i thout me
I
,
.
melt away the dece p t i ve m i r
age and reveal the hard rocks of
real i ty
I
.
am p oss i b i l i ty touch i ng the
arm of consc i ousness to i ntro
duce o ppo rtun i ty
I
.
am a dream cour i er from out
the darkness softly wh i s p er i ng
”
“
Y ou can do i t
I
,
.
— Heed my call and
prom p t i ngs
I AM T H E
p onder
.
HUNCH
my
I AMS
20
A M the brake on the wheels of p rogress
I am the cause of all the lost mot i on an d
.
m i sd i recte d power i n th e world
.
—
I am the h al f mi lled bear in g th e leaky
v alve the bent eccentri c that d i verts p ower
f rom pro d uct i on to waste and help s a
great eng i ne p ound i tsel f i nto junk
I stand between man an d success crushi ng
h im i nto f a i lure
—I am a barri er o v er whi ch none may p ass
—I am the d i ff erence be t ween med i ocri ty
an d p erfect i on i n th e ser vi ce a man ren d ers
-
,
,
,
.
-
,
.
.
to the world
.
—I l imi t the usefulness and lessen the wage
of my vi ct ims
.
—I am the flaw that mars the bri ll i ance an d
renders i m p erfect the gems o f the human
race M y record i n t h e world o f bus i ness
i s one o f bankru p tcy ru i n shame and s ui
cid e
.
,
,
.
am the fault i n the foundat i on on whi c h
statel y structures are erected only to col
la p se Bu t for me every worker woul d
ach i ev e success and man s serv i ce to h i s
f ellows would app roach p er f ect i on
-
I
.
’
,
.
—
I am a deadly germ i n the t i ssues o f bus i
n
e s s an d a m i llstone about the neck of i n
d u s tr y
.
I A M I N E FFI C I E NCY
I AMS
the p ri celess treasure fo r
wh i c h h oar d s o f gold hav e been
sp ent and oceans of blood she d
AM
.
—I am an i deal wh i ch the centuri es
hav e brought nearer each succeed
i ng y ear across battle fields th i ck
1y strewn wi th martyre d d ead
.
—From seed once so wn i n anc i ent
Greece I have sp read from shore
to shore w i th th e p ass i ng o f the
years
,
.
hav e made a serf th e i dol o f the
race "I hav e crumbled the throne
o f the des p ot "
I
-
—I hav e unmanacled the slav e an d
,
th i s age shall see me sweep from
th e f ace o f the earth the last rem
nant o f that h ell i s h p aras i te the
ty rant
,
.
— I am the earne d wage p a i d b y a
just Go d
.
-
am com i ng to all t h e world and
m y re i gn sh all end w i th the finale
o f t ime
I
.
I AM
D EM O C RACY
21
22
I AM S
a fratern i ty as exclus i ve as
the gods yet w i thout creed or
const i tut i on M y laws are u n
wr i tten unex p ounded and u n
broken
AM
,
.
,
.
— I am a caste dat i ng from the
sunr i se of t i me wh i ch no boast
ed democracy can ev er obl i te
rate or des t roy
— I am a nob i l i ty at whose shr i ne
the world must bow the knee
and whose mandates mank i nd
had best obey
—I am an unrelent i ng monarch
wh o must d i ctate i n every age
and land and cl i me
,
.
.
.
—I am the su p er i or of an al i en
world that gro p es i n darkness
w i thout my sacred realm a
forum i n wh i ch the wealth of
C roesus could not buy a p lace
to ra i se a v o i ce
,
.
I AM
THE
A R I S T O C R A CY
O F BR A I N S
I AMS
23
the p late i n the sei smogra p h of l i f e
on wh i ch the hand of Ti me has traced the
h i story of a world
AM
,
.
am the graven record of the thoughts and
act i ons of man from the dawn of t i me to
the p assi ng moment
I
.
am the p erfect footp r i nts of flyl n g years
and a s i gnboard to the p ass i ng m i ll i on on
the blazed tra i l that leads from creat i on t o
etern i ty
I
.
— I am a chart of the ages an i nventory of
the years
,
.
— I am a b i ogra p hy of the un i verse
.
Through
me the man of today i nterv i ews the oracles
of ant iq u i ty and consults the sages of yes
t e ry e a r s
.
— I am a monument to the worl d s workers:
more endur i ng than marble shafts and
more i m p ress i ve than the p a i nted canvas
of the art i st s dream
’
.
,
’
.
— I am the storehouse i nto wh i ch great m i nd s
have p oured golden thoughts before they
were st i lled by the gr i m reap er and p assed
to the realms of the myst i c beyond
— I am the h i story of today left for the gu i d
ance of tomorrow
.
,
.
I AM
T H E P RI N T E D PA GE
-u
24
I A MS
t h e boon for
worl d has wa i te d
t c h e d an d p ray e d
,
.
—M y com i ng shall
to p
th e marchi ng hor d es
seal the cannon s mouth
an d end t h e rei gn o f
death
—Al l s words shall now to
p lowshares turn a n d
lbat t l e fie l d s be sown t o
gra i n i nstea d o f bl o o d
and tear s
s
,
’
,
.
,
.
-
am that whi c h w i th
ood
w
i
ll
to
men
C
h
r
i
st
g
wi she d to all th e worl d
I
-
,
.
I AM
P EA C E
I AMS
A M a l i n k i n the cha i n of the
ages a chap ter i n the h i story
o f the worl d a m i lestone on
the sa nds o f t ime
,
,
.
— I am one lap i n the race o f l i fe
a step toward the great d i v i de
a turn o f th e sand glass that
measures to man h i s three score
y ears and ten
,
,
.
—I am an o p en p age i n wh i ch the
ph i loso pher may record the de
d u c t i o n s t h e to i ler h i s tr i umph s
and th e fool h i s f olly
M y dawn i s a call to t h e fields
m y noonday a scene o f to i l that
my eveni ng may be a well
earned harvest o f the r i c h f ru i ts
,
.
-
,
of e ffort
.
— I am th e tablet o f s t one on
wh i ch man wri tes h i s own rec
or d
.
I AM
T H E N E W Y E AR
25
'
I AMS
26
A M an oas i s i n the desert of the years
I am the s unny morn i ng of t i me , when
.
nature s p reads her broad warm smi le o v er
the den iz ens of earth
.
-
am the awaken i ng t i me of the flower the
leaf and the songb i rd M y com i ng i s a n
n o u n c e d by the blush i ng v i olet on the
wooded h i lls and by nature s grand O p era
stars s i ng i ng i n the trees
I
,
.
,
’
,
.
am that gladsome season that br i ngs
the ma t i ng of the b i rds the burst i ng of the
buds and fills the balmy a i r w i th a thou
sand sweet p erfumes from the laboratory
of God
—I make man understand the myst i c lan
guage of nature as s p oken by the babbl i ng
brooklet t h e rugged "
mounta i n and the
rush i ng r i ver that i s hurry i ng onward to
the sea
I
,
,
.
,
.
—I have s e en once flowery fields torn b y
cannon shot and drenched wi th heroes
blood
’
.
— I have heard the songb i rd s tr i ll drowned
by the dy i ng groans of mothers sons
but I come today to bless a world at p eace
and to p our the balm of nature i nto heart
wounds made by the demon war
’
’
,
.
I AM S
P RI N G
28
I AM S
your d is t in gu i shed vi s i tor Y o u never be
held my face be fore an d soon I go my way
nev er to return Y este r d ay I was h o pe to
morrow I am hi story
—
I come once twi x t t h e b i r t h of t im e an d t h e
end of etern i ty
—I am the ev ent o f greatest moment i n the l iv es
o f men who do and dare I f you use me I w i ll
bless your future l i fe "i f y ou waste me I w ill
curse y ou to the end o f your ex i stence be i t one
day or a thousand y ears
I unlock a treasure c h est that wi th m y go i ng
wi ll be closed f orev er and w i th me shall d i e th e
unused o p p ortuni t i es th at I br i ng
—M y comi ng was p red i cte d b y wi se men wh en
th e worl d was y oung I t i s announce d b y the
d awn wi th shafts o f l i ght from the great lum i
nary that l i gh ts a sy s tem o f worlds Y et i n a
few hours my re q u i em i s tr il led b y the so ng
b i rds o f n i ght "m y death shroud i s the d arkness
and my tomb t h e tras h h eap o f th i ngs th at
AM
.
.
,
.
’
.
.
,
,
,
.
-
'
.
.
.
were
—M y p age i n the worl d s hi story i s a wri tten
.
’
record o f the ach i ev ements o f the man o f dee d s
an d not a chron i cl i ng o f the i nsipi d vapo ri zi n g s
of th e i dle d reamer
.
—I bec kon to effort and p lea d f or act i on
.
Y ears
th at hav e gone gl i mmer i ng i nto the p ast mean
noth i ng to me but a trouble d wak i ng dream o f
i ll i mp ro v e d o pp ortuni ti es
.
—T o me the future i s nev er
N O W i s th e only
word i n the world s lex i cons that I un d erstan d
—I record the p ass i ng o f y esterday but dare not
pledge the comi ng o f tomorrow
I A M T O D AY
”
“
.
’
.
.
I AM S
29
AM a th i e f more to be drea d e d th a n
the buccaneer o f the h i gh seas the
gunman of the slums or the h i ghway
man o f the plai ns
,
.
—I
from my v i ct ims that wh i ch i s
more p rec i ous than gems and gold
fil c h
.
—I am a barr i er i n the p ath o f p rogress
,
an obstacle i n the way o f success and
a v am pi re that draws the l ife blood
from the heart o f amb i t i on
,
-
.
—I su pplant strength wi th weakness
,
determ i nat i on w i th i ndec i s i on and
burn at noon d ay the candle o f l i fe at
both ends
,
.
—T he r i ver o f years i s th i ckly strewn
w i th the wreckage of crafts on wh i c h
I was the pi lot
.
T he slough of desp ond i s al iv e wi th
vi cti ms whose courses I have d i rected
toward the letharg y of obl iv i on
—The gold o f O ph i r the wealth o f C roe
sus are no tem p tat i on to me
—I rob al i ke the ri ch and p oor o f gems
more p rec i ous than these —I am the
th i e f o f d ay s
I A M P R O C R A ST I N A T I O N
-
.
,
.
.
30
I AM S
the foundat i on u p on wh i ch
the stately structures of bus i ness
are bu i lt
AM
.
am the p owerful eng i ne that
dr i ves the sh ip of commerce over
the breakers of p an i c a n d makes
p ossi ble the trade of the world
I
,
.
— W i thout me
i ndustry the ch i ld
of labor and ca pi tal must langu i sh
and d i e T he gold of O p h i r and
the gr i ll i ng to i l of the m i ll i on
ava i l noth i ng w i thout me
I rule w i th an i ron hand from the
modest sho p of the countrys i de
v i llage to the seeth i ng t rade marts
of the m i ll i on
— N urture me and I br i ng my r e
ward i n gold destroy me and the
world retrogrades to ant iq u i ty
— I am the ma i nstay of commerc i al
p rogress and the sheet anchor of
bus i ness success
I A M C RE DI T
,
,
.
.
.
,
.
,
.
I A MS
the plans and s p ec i ficat i ons
of success
AM
.
am the blue p ri nt i n the hands
of the master bu i lder W i thout
me accom p l i shment i s acc i dental
p rogress a lottery and bus i ness a
worse gamble than the horses or
the cards
I
-
.
,
.
— I am a crystal i zat i on of the ex
i
r
n
e
e
e
of
centur
i
es
a
glean
i
ng
c
s
p
of the best from the methods of
the world s h i story makers
,
’
.
am as much an elemental const i
tuent of successful bus i ness as
ca p i tal e q u ipment or ex p eri ence
I
,
.
— I am an essent i al i n every l i ne of
human endeavor and the t ime
table of every well ordered l i fe
-
.
I A M S Y S T EM
31
‘
32
I AM S
A M the f ounta i n head o f w i s d om,
the mecca of learn i ng and the
ahn a mater of the w i zards o f the
world
.
—M y matri culates come from every
walk o f l i fe and none but fools
forget the lessons I teach
—T he master of the seas who sn i ffs
the storm afar "the veteran who
beats the gamblers o f the street s
and laugh i ngl y takes the i r gold
and he who stol i dly res i sts the
p urp le woman s smi le are honor
men o f m i ne
— N o dyi ng day e er p asses i nt o
n i ght that does not on my roster
wr i te truths nev er taugh t before
— N o g i lded sunr i se flecks the ski es
but that finds new tutors i n m y
realm
.
,
,
,
,
’
,
.
’
.
.
—I am a school from wh i ch no tru
ant plays wi th unlearned lesso n
p asse d
,
.
I A M A S C H OO L O F
E "P E R I E NC E
I AM S
your su pp ort your m i ss i on
your l i fe yet I br i ng the wr i nkles
of years to your brow and the
s i lver of age to your locks
AM
,
,
,
,
.
— I p lace burdens heavi er and h e av
i er on your weakeni ng shoulders
as your ag i ng form totters on the
u p h i ll road Y our l i fe s maddest
battles are fought for me
— I g i ve you a myr i ad of cares and
comfor t s tr i bulat i ons and tr i
um phs
— I take your wak i ng hours an d
haunt your dreams w i th both p a i n
and p leasure
— I am your world i nto wh i ch you
were born i n whi ch you l i ve and
from wh i ch a cortege w i ll bear
your dust back to earth from
whence i t came
,
’
.
.
,
.
.
,
,
.
—I am your l i fe s burden yet swe p t
from your shoulders I leave you
aged of body broken of s pi r i t and
troubled of m i nd
’
,
,
.
I AM
Y O U R B U S I N E SS
33
34
I AM S
A M the ri ght arm of
the A tlas of p rogress ,
i ndustry
,
a wonder
of the age and a bless i ng to the
world
.
—M y bands b i nd the earth to
gether and fleck the sea w i th
sh ip s to all the world
.
—I g iv e to man both th e sword
and the p lowshare the sur
geon s needle and the man o f
war
—I am the s inew that holds to
gether pi les o f cemen t an d
stone whose roo fs p i erce the
clouds
,
’
.
.
—I sp an turbulent rivers bottom
less chasms and bri ng the ends
of t h e earth close together
—T he s p r i ng i n the chronometer
th at marks the p ass i ng o f t i me
and the sturdy br i dge gi rder
that su pports the worl d s tra f
fic are both m i ne
—W i thout me the world woul d
return to the woo d en wheel the
raw h i de thong the q u i ll p en
and c i v i l i zat i on would retro
grade a thousand years i n o n e
,
.
,
’
.
,
-
day
,
.
I A M ST EE L
36
I AMS
all that s left of the h onored cra f t
of Frankl i n s day I am a rel i c of the
age of the men who made p oss i ble the
far flung p r i nted p age
AM
’
’
,
.
am of the vocati on of the craftsman
i nto whose every l i ne went h i s art an d
h i s heart and whose comp os i t i on was
the work of sk i lled hands
I
.
—I draw the curses of the w i zards of
p ubl i c i ty who p ose as ex perts but wh o
know not whether an c m i s a stage of
d i sease or a m i xture of l iq uors
I w i thstand the onslaught of the co p y
scrambler who th i nks that C helten
ham comes from the p ack i ng house
— I stand on ach i ng feet and note a
p en ny a l i ner ex pla i n i ng that small
pi ca i s a chap who won t bet over a
dollar that the sun r i ses
—I am the sheet anchor of the p r i nt i ng
game I am as s q uare a guy as ever
p oured p owder i n a safe I am well
.
.
-
“
-
”
’
.
,
,
er
I AM
Y O U R P RI N T E R
,
,
I AM S
37
the fa i th ful slave who answers
your calls i n the morn in g the eve
n i ng or at the noont i de of the n i ght
AM
,
.
,
— I am the world s ut i l i ty man "my o ffi ce
hours are any hour of any day i n the
year
’
.
M y m i ss i on i s one of serv i ce to human
i ty M y work i s a ski lled one on
wh i ch the well be i ng of the a ffl i cted
must dep end and i n wh i ch there i s no
p lace for a drowsy bra i n or a bungl i ng
hand lest they take a human l i fe
.
-
,
.
,
-
feel the we i ght of resp ons i b i l i ty and
note that age i s cree pi ng u p on me
ahead of my years but when I have
answered your last call and the long
v i g i l i s over meth i nks I shall hear the
“
wee small vo i ce say i ng He hel p ed
”
the world by h i s serv i ce to mank i nd
and th i s shall be my reward
I
,
,
,
,
.
am your sk i lled servant your fr i end
i n t i me of need a n d a l i nk i n the
S p rocket cha i n that dr i ves the machi n
c ry of the un i verse
I
-
,
,
.
I AM
Y O U R D R U GGI ST
38
I AMS
a wi zard more wonderful th an
the creatures o f fic t i o n s w i ldest
ms
AM
’
.
—I hav e harnessed nature s forces and
’
made them obey the beck and call of
man
.
M y ach i evements are cornerstones
u pon whi ch rests the p rogress of the
world
.
-
W i th cruc i ble and retort I have delved
i nto nature s secrets and learned her
myster i es
’
.
— L ook around you at the wonders that
are for man s well be i ng the cumula
t i ve ach i evement of a thousan d years
of h i story yet but for me these could
not have been
’
-
,
,
.
—T oday I labor wi th a p ot i on that p er
chance may save a l i fe "tomorrow I
may draw a cruc i ble w i th i n whose
l i m pi d dep ths lurks death that mur
ders men by thousands
,
,
,
.
—I brought f rom the jumbled mass o f
nature the sooth i ng o pi ate that cools
the fevered brow and lulls to slee p the
tortured frame
.
made the hell i sh gas that burns
men s bra i ns and bursts the i r lungs
I
’
.
-
To
one I br i ng the sweet sa i ntly rest
of the sanc t uary "to the other the hell
o f the battlefield
,
,
.
I AM
T H E C H EM I ST
I AMS
39
an ambassador o f ho p e a messenger
o f mercy and a bless i ng to manki nd My
face has felt the bl i ster i ng heat of summer
suns and the b i t i ng cold of wi nter snows
AM
,
.
.
have trudged the hard road of ex p er i ence
and am old beyond my years I nto the
hovels of p overty have I gone s i ngle han d
ed and alone to combat the comb i ne d
forces of filth i gnorance and d i sease
I
.
.
,
have stood at the m i dni ght hour an d
watched a was ti ng form from wh i ch a
s pi r i t threatened to take i ts fl i ght
I
.
—W i th the hel p of
Alm i ghty
God and a
knowledge born of ex p er i ence i n wh i ch
books theor i es and p recedents were
thrown to the w i nds for the teach i ngs of
the gri m tutor I have won
,
,
.
battles w i th death no sa i ntly wh i te clad
nurse or fr i endly brother of my craft i s
there deft handed and strong shouldered
to take a p art of the crush i ng load that
falls on me
In
,
.
-
When my nerves cry out from p un i shment
and the talons of slee p tug at my t i red
frame I must awaken my fagg ing bra i n
and steady my trembl i ng hand p ray i ng
to Checkmate the gr i m reap er i n a game
whose table stake i s a human l i fe
,
,
‘
.
—T he wage of my ceaseless to i l i s not gem s
and gold the p r i ce of my accumulated
w i sdom o f years i s not fame but my goal
i s the sweet sati sfact i on that I hav e don e
m y best
,
,
.
I AM
T H E C O UNT R Y D O CT O R
.
40
I AM S
the human p ower plant from
wh i ch rad i ates the force that dr i ves
the mach i nery of the world s com
merce
AM
-
’
.
— I am the unknown and unseen dyna
mo yet my resi stless current i s felt i n
the babble of the metro p ol i tan marts
and i n the q u i et of the rural hamlet
,
.
— I have dare d to leave the beaten p ath
and to teach m e n t h e i ne ff i c i ency of
the commerc i al methods of yesterday
.
— I have we i gh e d i n the balance of ex
i
r
n
e
c
trad
i
t
i
on
and
p
recedent
and
e
e
p
they have been found want i ng
—I n the eternal gr i n d of a world that
moves I have learned that methods do
but to
n o t a pp ly to days and dates
cond i t i ons and that a pi ece of mer
c h a n d i s e i s ne i ther an asset nor a
fi n i shed p roduct unt i l i t i s sold
,
.
,
,
.
— I am the gr i m exact i ng
sh ip of trade
pi lot
on the
.
— I am the founda t i on hewn from the
sol i d rock of ex p er i ence on wh i ch the
commerc i al world stands
.
I AM
TH E
SA L E S M A N A G E R
I AM S
41
a sage of the c i ty street a ph i l o s o
p her of the modern day and an a d
v a n c e d student i n the school of ex
AM
,
,
e
r
i
n
e
e
c
p
.
— I know the sh i n i ng thoroughfares
where the ease and comfort of wealth
abound
— I am ac q ua i nted w i th the s q ual i d
a i sles of traffi c where p overty and
cr i me jo i n hands
— I behold and face unstartled i n each
succeed i ng day th i ngs new to the
world w i thout sur p r i se or comment
.
.
.
,
— I have met the p ri nce i n gr i me and
“
”
overalls who sa i d kee p the change
.
— I have bartered my wares to the d i a
mond bedecked C roesus who wa i ted
wh i le my numb fingers sought a worn
p ocket for the p enny wh i ch was h i s
.
have been deluged i n the gush of the
s i mp er i ng soc i ety dame who left me
”
“
w i th a God bless you hungr i er than
I was before
I
.
— Though young i n y ears I am a sea
s o n e d veteran i n the game o f l i f e able
to hold my own w i th the rabble and
take care of myself i n the mob
,
.
N o w i ser merchant no shrewder bar
,
ga i ner can be found i n the mar t s of
trade than I
.
I AM A
N E W SI E
42
I AMS
the tyrant of the bus i ness world "
I am the desp ot wh o rules i t w i th an
i ron hand "I am the goad of p rogress
a n d the one source of p rofit
AM
.
— I have demanded every ste p of a d
vancement that has been made "I have
sent yesterday s methods to the scra p
hea p and i nstalled those that meet the
re q u i rements of today
’
.
— I demand at the hands of tradesmen
only one th i ng "yet that th i ng i s every
“
”
th i ng : S erv i ce
.
O nce I journeyed through jungles and
over w i nd i ng mounta i n p aths to br i ng
to my abode the merchand i se for
wh i ch I had need "today I demand
that th i s merchand i se be placed i n my
dom i c i le i n orderly array i n the fewest
p oss i ble moments
.
—I am a greater s p ender today than
I
have ever been i n the h i story of bus i
ness I n add i t i on to the S hekel I sp ent
for wares I now sp end another for
serv i ce and the wi se merchant i s p ock
e t i n g a p rofit on both
.
,
.
— I love the luxury o f serv i ce the de p en
d a bi l i t y of merchand i se and am wi ll
i ng to p ay the p ri ce
,
,
.
I AM
T H E CU ST O ME R
44
I A MS
the home of free d om the
stronghold of democracy and
the cradle of l i berty
AM
,
,
.
have filled wi th gold the co ffers
of the world s o pp ressed
I
’
.
— I have fl e c ke d the sea w i th sh i p s
and filled the a i r and fields w i th
warr i ors who w i ll p ay L afayette s
debt and make Barthold i s dream
come true
— Well may the bloody handed de
s p ot tremble when h i s lash dr i ven
vassals meet my Sp artan sons
who w i ll leave a wake of broken
scep ters tram p led crowns and
crumbled thrones
’
’
.
-
-
,
.
g i ve my gold my sons my all
that bleed i ng France and mar
tyred Belg i um go not unavenged
and that the unborn may l i v e i n
peace i n all the world
I
,
,
.
I A M A ME R I C A
,
I AM S
AM the reassur i ng vo i ce of M oth
er Amer i ca to her noble S ons l n
the Gethsemane of war
.
am the heart throb of a nat i on s
sent i ment when Hell i s p a i nted
on the sky
I
’
-
.
—I am the echo of the answered
p rayer
of Wash i ngton at Valley
Forge the awakened spi r i t of
L ex i ngton and C oncord
,
.
— I am the golden shekels of o p u
lence and the meager sav i ngs of
p overty burned together on the
altar of r i ghteousness from wh i ch
shall r i se Li berty to re i gn s u
p reme throughout a world of
p eace
—I am bullets and bread for a p ha
lanx of O cc i dental Sp artans be
fore whom the last desp ot i s m of
earth shall fall to r i se no more
,
.
.
I A M A N A ME R I C A N L I B E R TY
L O A N B ON D
45
46
I AMS
a M other s So n I am the p r i de o f
a fami ly and p art of a home
I love m y l i fe as you love yours
I
am a y outh i n years and ex p er i ence of
l i fe y et I am a gambler bett i ng th e
h i ghest stakes th at man c an wager
my l i fe
AM
’
,
.
.
,
.
—I f
wi n you w i n if I lose I hav e lost
all "th e loss i s m i ne not yours and
th ere i s a gri eved mo t her a saddened
fam i ly and a broken home to wh i ch I
can nev er return
I
,
,
,
,
.
—I ask only for the Godsp eed and su p
port of my nati on i n return for lay i ng
up on the altar my all
For my brav ery and blood w i ll y ou
furni sh bullets and bread ? W i ll you
p awn your shekels where I p awn my
sel f ? W i ll y ou bet y our gold whi le I
bet m y blood ?
—
W i ll you hazard your wealth wh ere I
ri sk my l ife ? I am the flower o f a na
t i on s man hood the glory o f a noble
race and a t i the to the monster war
«
.
-
’
,
.
I AM
T H E B O Y I N TH E
T R E NC H E S
I AM S
47
an angel o f mercy wi th courage
to m i n i ster or to d i e as fall the cards
of fate
AM
,
.
— N o mart i al mus i c lauds my sacr i fice
no gl i t ter i ng gold rewards the work
of my t i red hands bathed i n hero s
blood as I strip the gory khak i from
the trembl i ng dy i ng forms of M oth
ers S ons
,
’
,
,
,
,
’
.
—Branded w i th a cri mson cross that
marks me from the world a p art a
woman wi th gentle hands and a heart
o f oak a mother of the battlefields
,
,
.
wh i sp er a p rayer as I hold the hand
o f a first born man ch i ld as he p asses
through that dark and solemn vale
beyond wh i ch no man has b een al
lowed to look
I
.
-
hear the shr i ek i ng curse o f p ai n an d
the gurgl i ng groan o f death y et no
cr i ng i ng cowards hav e I seen w i th i n
th i s awful place
I
,
.
—D y i ng l i ke they l ived and fought for
,
,
democrac y an d Go d that H e l l i an s
m i ght not rule the earth beneath th e i r
i ron heels
,
.
-
Among the ma i med and dy i ng
fresh
,
f rom the crush i ng j aws of Hell do I
p ay my ti the to God an d my tri bute to
the land that gav e me b i rth
,
.
In
memory of Gethsemane and the
s pi r i t of 7 6 I lay my l if e m y all on
the altar o f my race
’
,
,
,
.
I AM
T H E A ME R I C A N R E D C R O SS
NU R SE
48
I A MS
AM a husky p eace lov i ng young g i ant
tryi ng to settle a s q uabble among the
I ha v e begged and p er
s u a d e d and been b i ffed i n the back for
my p a i ns
.
— Wh i le entreat i ng one not to tear down
the p layhouse of the other he has
k i cked my own to atoms
.
—Wh i le p ett i ng the yel pi ng can i ne of
one the other has k i cked my dog
around wh i le sooth i ng the sk i nned
nose of a bell i gerent another has
whacked my stone bru i se an d tram pled
on my sore toe
,
.
Wh i le try i ng to sto p a fight a rock has
been sh i ed i nto my back
-
.
—Wh i le p lead i ng for p eace between two
,
one of th em has tr i ed to p ersuade two
of my fr i ends to soak me from the
dark
.
— P at i ence has ceased to be a vi rtue and
i s now a fault and dr i ven from the
role of p eacemaker then I must make
war come u p to the i deals o f our i m
mortal Sherman
,
.
I AM
TH E U
.
S A
.
.
I AM S
the wi de stretch o f earth
from the A rkansas to the turh u
lent R i o Grande
AM
.
— I am the far flu n g realm of the
great L one S tar
— I am a sunny Southern land
-
.
.
— I was bought w i th blood at the
A lamo where val i ant heroes fell
fight i ng l i ke demons mad w i th
p a i n a story too sacred to tell
,
.
,
—From Li berty s cradle the A lamo
O ld Glory p roudly waves wh i le
the si res wh o gave t h e i r l i ves for
me are slee pi ng i n unmarked
graves
— Thei r sons are on the fir i ng l i ne
i n the th i ck of bloody fray "these
worthy sons o f noble s i res are
mak i ng hell for the Huns today
— I come l i ke a Roman mother to
ra i se my eyes and p ray as I lay
my sons and shekels on the altar
o f the U S A
’
,
,
.
.
,
.
.
I AM
.
T E "AS
49
I AM S
50
the cradle of T exas l i berty w i th i n m y
sacred confines p eacefully rep ose the ashes
of the heroes of a great commonwealth
AM
,
.
am the rest i ng p lace of Bonham Bow i e
T rav i s and C rockett who to T exas gave
thei r all
I
,
,
.
— W i th i n my doma i n the A lamo ra i ses her
sullen walls around wh i ch cluster memo t
i es that are sacred to every T exan s heart
stol i dly announc i ng that her p ortals hav e
been drenched w i th martyr s blood
'
’
,
’
.
am the hallowed s p ot on wh i ch T exas
noble sons bu i lded an altar u p on wh i ch
they la i d the i r l i ves
’
I
.
— I am a fr i endly c i ty from whose gates none
need to turn not even the cosmo pol i te for
here he wi ll find one from whatsoever
country or cl i me he may come
—G i ant oaks to stately he i ghts have grown
s i nce hardy pi oneers u p on th i s h i ll set h i gh
my c i tadel and bade welco me fr i ends from
all the world
,
,
.
,
.
— I am a c i ty of w i nd i ng r i vers sh i mmeri ng
lakes fragrant flowers and s p read i ng
p alms
T was here i n days now long agone
T hat val i ant T exans fell
F i ghti ng l i ke demons mad wi th p a i n
A t the very gates of Hell
,
,
.
’
.
I A M SAN A N
TO NI O
I AMS
52
playground of a commonwealth "
the O lym pi an season of a modern A thens
and the cornuco pi a of an em pi re
— I am the beacon l i ght of p rogress the sei s
m o g r ap h of success and the sho p w i ndow
of that almost boundless doma i n who se
symbol and synonym i s the great L one
AM the
.
,
-
S tar
.
am the tower i ng O ak p lanted and nur
t u r e d b y the lovi ng hands of that modest
P er i cles of T exas noblest mun i c ip al i ty
whose memory stands i n graven bronze
and on th e hearts of men
I
’
.
— I am a
P hoen i x r i sen from the ashes of
Bonham Bow i e T rav i s and C rockett I
am the fru i ts of a freedom bought w i th
,
blood
.
,
.
— I am the i ndustr i al San J ac i nto of
h i story
T exas
.
— I am the laurel wreath for the brows o f
glad i ators who have fought w i th p low
shares i n arenas of golden gra i n and on
fields of cotton blooms and wav i ng corn
— I am a jub i lee under the har v est moon the
gladsome season of a ha pp y p eo p le
.
,
.
I AM
T H E T E "A S ST AT E
FAI R
I A MS
a wh i mp er i ng shr i nk i ng
coward a curse to my race and
d i sgrace to my fellow men
AM
,
,
.
noble i m p ulse ever thr i lled my
pi ti ful soul or awakened a r e s po n
s ive throb wi th i n my breast
— No
.
—M y heart knows ne i ther char i ty
nor sacr i fice and my handwork
i s for self alone
,
.
h i rk duty when my country
calls "I gr ip the sh i n i ng shek e l s
that are needed to staunch the
blood flow of my fellows who
stand at t h e cannon s mouth a n d
g i ve back p rom p tly blow for blow
where gr i m death re i gns su p reme
I
S
’
.
am a l i v i ng monument to
n e s s greed and a v a r l c e
—I
,
-
s e l fis h
.
am an al i en from God and a tra i
tor to the land that gave me b i rth
I
I A M A S LA C KE R
.
53
54
I AMS
a g i lded p u pp e t clad i n p ur ple
and fine l i nen p osi ng as p o s s es s
i ng a d iv i ne r i ght w i th God yet
s eek i ng an o pp ortun i ty to murder
a ch i ld cruc i fy a woman r i fle a
caravan or steal a cont i nent
AM
,
,
,
,
.
N o cla i m to d i v i n i ty i s too h i gh
for my ly i ng tongue and no cr i me
too l o w for my bloody hands
.
— I am the slave dr i ver of a nat i on
whose i nher i tance i s my accursed
rule and murderous sword
.
have enslaved p easants for gold
w i th wh i ch to turn the world i nto
a hell and murder them by thou
sands to grat i fy my wh i ms
— M y wrongs to the weak have
made the nat i ons of earth fly at
my throat
— I am a hunted beast stand i ng
alone save for the totter i ng weak
l i ngs at my s i de who are not
fr i ends but vassals
I
.
.
.
— S oon I must rea p the wage of s i n
,
am the adv ersary of r i ght
e o u s n e s s the enemy of truth and
a curse to the world
for
I
,
.
I AM
THE
K AI S E R
I AM S
55
a ghoul i sh vulture that has hovered
over every land and cl i me "my cursed
hand h as la i n a bl i ght on the ages M y
rec o rd have I wr i tten wi th man s blood and
woman s tears
AM
.
’
’
.
— I hav e turn e d the laugh of happ y ch i ld
hood i nto mo a n s of gr i ef and p a i n
.
— I have left the fragments of fam i l i es to
wander am i d the gl o om of de s ola t i on and
death A t M arathon T h e rmo p yl a e an d
Gettysburg where thou s ands l i e i n u n
marked graves
.
,
,
.
— I made men fight and d i e l i ke demons mad
w i th p a i n at the very gates of Hell
— I have never brought comfort to the heart
broken remed i es to the a ffl i cted or food
to the starv i ng
.
,
,
.
have never turned a forest i nto a field o f
golden gra i n I have never s hown mercy
for the defenseless succor for the weak or
hel p for the struggl i ng
I
.
,
.
— M y po i soned talons have ever grasp ed at
the throat of man and sweeter to me than
the p url in g of the brooklet or the vo i ce o f
the songb i rd i s the boom of the cannon
and the groan of the dy i ng
— I hate the p eace whose p r i nce i n G e t h s e
mane atoned for mank i nd
.
.
— I am the enemy of happi ness p rosp eri ty
and plenty I am the champi on of the
curses of destruct i on ru i n and death
,
.
,
I AM
WAR
.
56
I AM S
the g i ft of the red man to
h i s wh i te brother a s pi r i t
from the dream world
AM
,
.
— I am the i ncense of p eace
.
— I br i ng the chuckle of s a t i s fac
t i on to the p oorest worker i n
h i s humble cot and p leasant
rever i es to the nabob i n h i s
g i lded p lace
.
am the good fa i ry from the
golden leaf of sunny fields
I
.
—I am the s pi r i t med i um through
wh i ch man woos at the shr i ne
of the muses
.
—I am the w i n gs of M or p heus
fann i ng i nto s i l e n ce all the d i s
c ords of a t i red m i nd
.
thr i ll the n e rve s ease the
troubled bra i n and steady the
trembl i ng hand
I
,
.
I AM
EM P R E S S N I C O T I N E
I AM S
57
a child o f the modern day M y lineage extends
neither to the G recian battlefields nor the Roman
AM
.
I am but a f ew years from my birth yet I am the sub
j c e t o f more printed pages than the F rench revolution
M y missions o n earth are as numberless as the sands
of the sea
— I have met the m o b and listened to the rabble M an is
as close t o earth s furthest clime as he i s to me
,
.
.
"
.
’
.
— I bring help to the distressed physicians
,
comfo rt to the heartbroken
to
the sick and
.
I aid in the crime o f the world
— I help
to
.
plan robberies blackmail and murder
,
.
— I
lend a listenin g ear al i ke to the philosophy o f the
sage and the pi ffle o f the fo o l
I hear and transmit the h oneyed sentences o f the lover
and the caloric curses o f the knave
.
—
.
—I am the p eg
wh i ch Percy D oolittle may hang him
self fo r long periods o f time whil e h e wh i sp ers sweet
n othings into the ear o f M iss G els e mine L a u h i n
g
g g as
on
.
I transmit the goose g i ggles and c h e w i ng g u m gyra
tions o f the feminine specimen known t o t h e wizards
o f human class i ficat i on a s the Bo u v e l a r d Pest
Into
my face is blown the breath o f rare perfumes t h e odor
“
”
of garlic and the aroma o f F orty r o d barrel house
.
,
.
My
ear i s pelted with the v e r nacular o f the Pr i es t from
the Temple and the wreck from the gutter with the
sterilized words o f the great professor and with pigeon
gibberish that reeks with sp a ghett i
,
.
—I
hear with stol i d indi fference accounts o f the wo r ld s
most horr i ble holocausts i t s greatest d i scoveries and i t s
wonderful progress
—I listen t o alleged jokes that were outlawed by the
G rassville M instrels in eighteen and sixty
—I am the fr i end o f the deadbeat the tool o f the crook
and a Godsend t o the modern world
’
,
.
.
,
,
.
I
AM T H E
T E LE P H O N E
I AMS
58
A M t h e fem i n i ne i dler of a busy age
I a m a s i lk ber i bboned p e r fumed s oake d
bu n d l e of noth i ng
A lthough of the s ame
.
-
,
.
and k i n d as those who s e ha n d s have
rock e d the cradle and ruled the world I
am l i ke them a s a broken ree d i s l i ke a
mounta i n oak
s ex
,
.
— I am a trave s ty on the womanhood of
E d i th C avell a s lu r o n the name of J ose
p hi ne wi fe of N ap oleon and a d i sgrace to
M ary M other of C hr i st
,
,
,
,
.
am as devo i d of bra i n as a th i ef i s of
truth yet I brought Henry the E i ghth h i s
shame a n d N ap oleon h i s Waterloo I t was
my typ e and k i nd that flocked as fl i es
around the ulcer that festered i n the heart
of Rome before i ts awful fall
I
,
.
.
W i th shortened tresses c a r m i n e d l ip s and
sha p ely form I stand i n the market p lace
seek i ng h i m of whom I may make a fool
and be he a man we i ghted w i th the w i sdom
of years or an i nex p er i enced youth matters
not to me
—
I am an i nd i cator on the trend of mank i nd
I am of the sex that must p reserve or de
stroy the home wh i ch i s the foundat i on
u p on wh i ch our c i v i l i za t i on must stand or
fall
-
,
,
.
.
.
I AM
T H E F L A PP E R
60
I AM S
a human p aras i te a blood suck i ng
vampi re and a curse of the age
I am an un p un i shable cr i m i nal
AM
,
.
.
every walk of l i fe from the
beggar on the commons to the banker
i n h i s castle
I
i nvade
.
-
Forsak i ng the gun an d the bludgeon
for fine manners and gu i le I have d i s
t a n c e d my fathers as a dayl i ght burg
lar i n the marts of trade
.
W i th sh i mmer i ng tr i nkets I take the
p enny of the ch i ld "clad i n p urp le and
fine l i nen I made C roesus a w i ll i ng
v i ct i m of a robbery at h i gh noon
.
— I to i l not ne i ther do I s pi n "the world
i s worki ng for me W i th o i ly tongue
and words p leasant to hear I garner
the meager shekels of the w i dow and
the gold of the modern shylock
— I nurse the gambl i ng i nst i nct of the
p o pulace and capi tal i ze the frenzy of
the mob A fabled factory a gush i ng
well a r i ch m i ne "the s e are tool s w i th
wh i ch I m i ne p ure gold from the ex
che q uer of the fool
— I hoard not my gold i t i s too easy to
get
— I am a p leasant com p an i on a lav i sh
s pender and wi thal a good fellow
,
.
.
.
,
,
.
,
.
,
.
I AM
THE
GR A F T E R
I AM S
61
o
r
f
your
source
f
ond
dreams
your
foundation
o
f
AM
air castles that p i e rce the blue dome of H eaven and
the greatest disa pp ointment that ever came i nto your
life
I am the well s p ri ng o f fabled wealth from whose
limpid depths yo u drew a s t re am o f dream gold that
belittled the fortunes of Croesus and a ff orded yo u a
dream life o f ease and pleasure far beyond Cleopatra s
wildest fancy
I am that for which the scrub woman hazards the last
wag e p enny o f her life o f toil "I am that for which
f ather m o rtgaged the home and for wh i ch mother
p awned her wedding ring
,
,
.
-
’
.
-
,
.
have dethroned the reas o n of hardened money chang
ers i n the temples o f finance and stolen the accumulated
savings o f years
I have made nabo b s o f beggars tramps o f millionaires "
I have made the card s the p onies and the wheat pi t
seem tame and childish
—I was brought int o the wor ld by the true p ersoni fi cation
”
Gentle G rafter who believed i t a crime
o f O H enry s
to rifle a caravan and an honor to steal a continent
—I am one of your lif e s lessons taught by a finished
tutor in the school of experience f or which you paid in
cash and though valueless in the marts o f tr ade I am
worth whatever y o u p aid for me in impressing on you
“
the truth o f the a g e old axiom : All i s n o t gold that
”
glitters
—T hrough half clos ed eyes I have brought you dreams
o f the primrose p ath on which you were a curled d arl
ing o f fortune s ca pri cious hand
-
I
.
,
,
.
’
“
,
.
.
’
,
,
,
-
.
’
.
—I have mas queraded as a p assport to the realms
of
o p ulence and lux ury o nl y to pro ve a counter f eit ban k
no te when you needed me most
.
—I am the financial joke o f the age With a face value o f
.
a million American dollars you could not cash me fo r
a thin dime in t h e most unsusp ec ting three ball i n s t i t u
ti on b etween Ska g way and Ca p e H orn
-
.
I
AM
Y O UR
O I L ST O C K
62
I AM S
a wrecker of l i ves a thi ef of souls
and the curse of the ages
I have p laced a crown of shame on
the brow of i nnocence
AM
,
,
.
.
have dulled the w i ts of gen i us weak
ened the arm of the husbandman and
led my ca p t i ves shackled to d i sgrace
and to death
I
,
,
,
,
.
W i th i n me lurks the p otent p o i son
that sets men s bra i n on fire and goads
them on to deeds and words of su p er
men only i n the end to dr i ve them on
to the madhouse where a thousand
mock i ng demons w i th fiery j avel i ns
p i erce thei r ach ing souls
’
,
.
am the subtle con q ueror of honesty
the relentless foe of r i ghteousness and
the enemy of the home
I
,
.
— W i th i n my l i m pi d de p ths there l i ves
the ser p ent whose po i son fangs have
pi erced the flesh of the men of every
age "but I am dyi ng slowly dy i ng "
outlawed by the Western World I see
the beg i nn i ng of my end
,
,
.
I AM
A
O
H
N
B
R
L
E
YC
O
R
N
J
I AM S
63
a curse as old as t i me I have made
honest men th i eves noble women courte
sans and snatched the last crumb of bread
from the l ip s of a hungry ch i ld
AM
.
,
.
— N ot only i s death the wage of h i m wh o
dares to q ua ff my burn i ng draughts but I
be q ueath my cursed her i tage to those who
come after me I ta i nt the blood and steal
the bra i n from three generat i ons
,
.
.
—I am the po i son flower on the p r imrose
p ath
where feet take hold on Hell and
death I S welcome to h i m from whose l i fe I
have taken toll
.
— I am the g i lded cha i n w i th wh i ch mother s
baby g i rl was led to the brothel and to
shame I am the beckon i ng demon that
lures her son to where a self i n fli c t e d bullet
ends i t all
’
.
-
.
— I exact my p ound of flesh from p oor and
r i ch al i ke I take home and fr i ends nor do
I leave m y v i ct i m unt i l w i th i n my sl i my
clutch I hold h i s soul
— M y p athway leads away from H i m wh o i n
Gethsemane p a i d the greatest debt that
mank i nd ever owed
— I throttle gen i us curse r i ghteousness and
drown vi rtue i n her own blood Free the
world ? When I am classed w i th po tent
p o i sons locked l n I ron v aults and babes
wi th i n the cradle taught that man s worst
curse i s me "
— I am a useless p aras i te a blood suck i ng
v am pi re a cancerous plague eat i ng at the
vi tals of manhood
.
,
.
.
,
.
,
’
-
,
,
.
I A M A LC O H O L
64
I A MS
the enemy of p a i n a p anacea for the
i lls of l i fe and a curse to the human race
lull to sweet sleep the t i red bra i n q uell
the turbulent nerves of unrest and steal
the souls of men
AM
,
.
,
.
— I am the p ri ce a demon p ays for the v i rtue
of woman and the honor of man
— W i th me the wh i te clad nurse at m i dn i ght
hour cools a fevered brow and turns an
awful wak i ng n i ghtmare i nto a sweet
dream of p eace
— I keep l i fe i n a tortured frame for weary
weeks only to drag honor from her h i gh
p edestal and reason from her throne
— I a i d to v i ctory the tra i ned p hys i c i an i n
battles w i th death yet l i fe s p athway i s
th i ckly dotted w i th p lodd i ng wrecks from
whose l i ves I have taken toll
.
.
.
’
,
.
M y v i ct i ms range from the p r i est i n h i s
tem p le to the felon i n h i s cell "from the
d i zzy he i ghts of fame to degradat i on s
dep ths
’
.
—I h the annals o f cr i me my h i story i s wr i t
ten i n i nnocent blood S trong men an d
noble women have bartered the i r souls for
the one hour of p eace that I br i ng
—I am God s bless i ng to the su fferer and
hell s p r i ce of a soul
.
.
’
’
.
I AM M O R P H I N E
I AM S
only a memory an emp ty dream
a has been a th i ng that was
I am a j i tney s worth of comfort
cheer and solace that has gone gl i m
mer i ng i nto the p ast
AM
,
65
,
-
,
.
’
,
,
.
—O nce
rep osed comfortably i n the
p ocket of the nabob and i n the blouse
of the to i ler
I
.
— I brought keen p leasure to the cryi ng
nerves of mascul i n i ty i n ev ery country
and cl i me
.
Am i d
the sweet i ncense that arose
from my burn i ng came p oems and
best sellers scenar i os and short stor i es
song h i ts and chem i cal formulas
,
,
.
— I took man to the land of dreams I
bur i ed h i m i n p leas i ng rever i es and set
at rest the cark i ng rebell i ous nerves
that threatened to wreck h i m on the
rocks of desp ond
,
,
.
—I am the anaestheti c that took the
p ai n out of the
p a p er the rot
ten ball game and p ut p e p i nto the
p unk p aragrap hs of the p enny a l i ner
— T he thoughts of me have kep t the dea
con awake through the doctr i nal ser
mon and made h i m unbelt at the p ass
i ng of the plate
S unday
,
-
-
.
.
— For a hundred years I softened the lot
of mere man but I am gone I am i n
the scra p pi le of th i ngs that were
,
,
.
— I am one of the fallen i n the grea t
world war
I AM
.
TH E
NI CKE L
C I GA R
I AMS
66
a b i t of golden weed a roll of s i lken
p archment I came from the land of the
A ztecs beyond the R i o Grande
AM
,
.
.
— I am the favor i te theme of the w i nd jam
m i ng reformer the i nexhaust i ble text of
the p enny a l i ner who to eat must fill h i s
p age
-
,
-
-
,
,
.
—I am the w i nd m i lls to the modern D on
u
i
xote
and
the
ca
p
stan
around
wh
i
ch
are
"
co i led the cords of hell i sh accusat i on by
the mann i sh s p ec i men of fem i n i n i ty who
has no ch i ckens or ch i ldren of her own
—W i th my alleged ev i ls the h i ghbrow busy
body can bolster a p ul pi t p ack a house or
enrage a mob and get a meal t i cket for h i s
p ai ns
— When the blatant l e a t h e rl u n g e r has worn
“
”
“
threadbare
the modern dance
the
”
stage and the dangers of the alcohol i n
butterm i lk I am the card i nal s i n to wh i ch
he may return and agai n comfort the s i m
p eri ng alarm i sts who are begg i ng for a
chance to weep o v er a ru i ned world
-
,
.
,
.
,
,
,
‘
.
have cheered the hard r i d i ng p lai nsman
as both food and dr i nk steeled h i m to urge
the fagg i ng steed another m i le
I
-
.
—I have brought a tran q u i l hour to the d esk
slave and a moment of enjoyment to the
worker i n the welter i ng heat and st i ng i ng
cold
,
.
—I have nerv ed the hand of the fight i ng man
’
at the cannon s mouth brought comfort to
h i s blood drenched frame and eased h im
“
over the Great D i vi de when he went
”
West
,
-
,
.
I AM
T H E C I G A R E TT E
P OEM S
A C H RI ST M A S
G R E E T IN G
69
.
Another milestone is passin us
As the long hard trail we ride
Y o u an me s g i t t e n c loser c l Pardner
T o the r i mrock u v the great divide
’
.
’
’
’
,
.
Where the hoof print s p int one way
With no returning tracks
Where the herds are d ri ft i n o n
But none are comin bac k
,
,
’
,
’
.
Me
an you hain t nigh so coltish
An g u n h an d y as we uster be "
Age i s c r e e pi n slowly
But s h or e l y p on yo u an me
’
’
’
’
’
’
.
My
gun hand s g itt an wobbly
And my temper s coolin down "
The Prince u v Peace has s h o re l y got me
F e r I smile i n s t i d u v f rown
’
’
’
,
.
s a cheer f er your Christmas morning
And a hope that the years to cum
D eal your hand frum the t o p my good f riend
T i l y our work on this range is done
H ere
’
,
,
,
’
.
An when G o d goes to c u t t i n the cattle
M ay he herd you o ff t o the right
T o a range u v eternal sunshine
In a land where ther haint no night
’
’
.
,
,
,
’
.
C H AP T H A T L IV E S N E "T D O O R
THE
I don t crave fame ner riches ner purple raiment fi ne
H ain t never been a her o "j es plain Bill Smith fer mine
Ain t b ankerin fer the lime light j es t ryi n to make shore
T hat I deserve the fri endshi p o f the c ha p that lives nex t
door
’
,
’
’
.
’
’
’
’
,
.
I mout win great distinction in parts that s fur away
An d maybe git right chesty at ni ce things strangers say
But deep down in my nat e r th at ll stick fe r e v e rmo r e
A cre vin t o be nabers with t h e chap that lives next door
’
,
’
’
.
the guy that knows me "he sees me every day
knows my joys and sorrows an he s the man to say
I f I m good e r ba d er indi fferent at the surface or the core
I hain t afraid i f I stand right with the chap that lives
next d oor
He
i He
’
s
.
’
’
,
’
.
‘
’
.
P OE M S
7O
When the tongue o f slander falls
fi ckle youth
me f rom age
on
,
I know that chap is standin pat and tellin
’
I don t amount to
roar
’
er
a
whisper in the world s
’
uv
th e
ma d
r
’
tr uth
.
ush and
,
Bu t
may Go d hel p me to deserve the cha p that lives next
do or
.
MY
BOY
There s a tawny headed urchin
Who s a s gentle as a mule "
The enemy o f soap and water
O f salts and S und ay S chool
’
,
’
,
.
H e leads a haughty bull dog
M ost everywhere he goes
,
A br i ndle pelted rascal
With wrinkles o n his nose
.
Th i s la d is stron g for football
And weak o n r i t h m e t i c
Readin gets h i s nanny G oat
And wr i t i n makes h i m sick
,
’
’
,
’
.
H i s voice i s l i ke a boiler shop
H i s face is free from care
H e walks like a her d o f b e e f steers
,
.
When c oming down
sta i rs
th e
.
Th i s lad i s worth a mill i on "
H e s full o f grief and cheer
And all the pent u p wisdom
O f eleven passing years
’
,
-
.
Dad is standing steady
B e he grief o r j o y
H i s Dad is sticking w i th him
Go d bless him h e s my boy
H is
,
,
.
’
.
,
THE O NE
T here
W O M AN
s a portly dimpled ma tron
Whose sm i le keeps haunting me
E very t i me I close my eyes
H e r W insome face I see
’
.
,
P O E MS
hair l i ke ripening chestnuts "
eye s a sombre grey
With the grey of those wild prairie s
That I knew in bygone days "
Her
Her
,
When s h e a slender stripling
Along the Braz o s shift i ng sands "
No steed too swi ft no way too rough
F o r this maid o f the cattle lands
’
,
.
hair is just as brown today
eyes are just as grey
”
smile i s just as fetching
And her heart is just as gay
Her
Her
Her
,
,
“
.
The hand that held the brid l e rein
And urged the pony on
Is the hand that steals along my arm
When the weary day is done
The t i ny crow feet round the eyes
T hat fill my heart with cheer
Are the marks o f rambling baby hand s
And the scars o f flying years
.
’
.
B ut what s the use o f soaring high
Atop such lofty peaks
I w i sh she d catch a fast train home
G osh she s been gone a week
’
.
’
,
’
,
.
TA KE M E BAC K
( A ft e r a D a y o n B o d way )
r
a
Take me back to Sunny Texas
Neath the L one S tar s silvery rays "
Where the songbirds tr i ll the gladness
O f the golden autumn days "
,
’
’
Where the cotton fields are browning
And the Bobwhite calls his mate "
Where the ze phyrs and the moonlight
Are a part of man s estate "
’
Where stal k the dauntless spirits
O f the heroes o f the S outh
S ainted martyrs o f the Alamo
Who died at the cannon s mouth
,
,
’
.
T ake
me back to S unny Texas
Neath the peaceful harvest moon
T here bes i d e t h e sh i mmering Brazos
W i th i t s rocks and sandy dunes "
,
’
,
72
P OE M S
Where once there glowed the cam p fi res
O f the tra i l herds going North
Where youth with pr i deful manhood
Into life was setting forth
,
.
L et me live my life in Texas
In the land where heroes stood
Not bought with gold and silver "
Paid f or with S partan blood
,
,
.
L et me gaze o n t hose wide prairies
Where the stillness is o f Go d
When the fi nal call is sounded
L et me slee p beneath its s o d
.
.
THE
D RA M A
T hey
OF
LIF E
.
say that life s a drama
And all the world s a stage "
That the cast i s the moving million
And each act a passing age
’
’
,
.
When we face life s footlights
And fight and strive gainst odds
We must do the best that s in us
F o r our critics are the gods
’
’
,
’
.
W ill we all star ? No n o never
We must work though we stand a fa r
A little glint in the fi rmament
F rom o u t which there shines a star
,
,
.
A property man o n the stage o f life
M a y make success o r mar
F o r without the work o f lesser lights
There can surely be no star
.
,
.
Li fe gives us what we pay for
In work and toil and tea rs
The star that gleams from the firma me n t
I s the slave o f yester years
,
,
,
.
who thrills a thousand h e arts
W i th word o r note or step
I s the slave who toiled through night s noo ntid e
While the plodding million sle p t
Sh e
,
,
’
.
.
P O E MS
who holds the rabble bound
With the mastery of his art
Is the slave who p aid t h e p rice o f
And earned life s leading part
73
He
,
th e
‘
gods
’
.
M ay
we each be true in the part assigned
And hear the censor s call
Without regret in retrospect
As life s last curtain falls
,
’
’
.
IRI S H
O N E F OR T HE
.
In a bar three Jews were drinkin g
M aking merry with much glee
Pat was broke but longed to join th em
In their mellow gladsome s p ree
,
.
,
.
Another round o f drinks was ordered
Ami d the flo w of H ebrew lore
Pat sa i d : T here s a thousand Jews where I
”
And I wish ther wuz a thousand more
,
.
“
’
.
”
a drink Pat ? said Ikey
”
Thra fingers o f S cotch a f ya pl aze
“
”
A n d they drank to the health o f o l d O i rl an d
And were loud in E rin s praise
“
“
H ave
.
,
,
’
.
Another fo r Pat said L ooey
”
Three fingers o r make it f o ur
Pat said : There s a thousan d Jews where I wurruk
”
And I wish there wu z a thousand more
”
“
,
,
“
.
,
“
’
.
Jacob signaled the barma n
To fill the glasses again
They drank to Pat and the Shamrock "
S weetest o f flowers a n d greatest o f men
.
.
Vere do you vu r k ? sa id L ooey "
”
Pray tell us ver it s at
“
In the Jewish s i me t ar y
”
Is where I wurruk said Pat
”
“
“
’
.
.
,
M EN O F T HE
OL D WE ST
As I sit here dreamin
S mo ki n with the twilight d r awi n near
I am t h i n ki n of the f ellers
D own the trail o f by gone years
’
,
’
’
’
-
.
,
,
74
P O E MS
I m t h i n ki n o f the pardners
That I used to know and love
S ome that s i n the earthly round
And some that s gone above
’
’
,
’
-
’
u p,
.
In them days back i n the eighties
The cattle country s pride
”
Was four square men square shooters
W h o done the right or d ie d
,
’
,
“
,
,
.
bust i n but G o d f e a r i n
Was the chap s I used to know
In the high grass cattle c o u ntr y
In them days o f long ago
H ell
’
’
,
.
H ard
ridin wind tanned Gri n g o e s
Who knowed and done the r i ght
And wh o never come out second
In any kin d o f fight
‘
,
,
.
They bel i eved that G o d was up there
A look i n d own o n earth
And c r e d i t i n each feller
A c c o r d i n to h i s worth
,
’
,
’
’
.
There warn t n o cr i me waves them days
They was look i n fo r the scamps
With a bale o f rope and two days o ff
They straighten o u t the camp
’
,
’
.
When a rustler got to burn i n brands
O r s t i c k i n up the stage
F ore long they found him han gin high
Way o u t among the sage
’
,
’
,
’
’
.
Where d we get this breed o f cowards
Who ve everything but sand
Who go robbin helpless women
And k i d s throughout the land ?
’
,
’
,
’
Are these H e l l i a n s native cattle ?
Do they b long in this here range ?
Where d they g i t the i r streak o f yal l e r ?
Where d they git their coat o f mange ?
’
’
’
Where s the modern Vigilantes ?
Do they ever comb the range
With a brace o f talkin hog legs
T o brin g about a chan g e ?
’
,
’
,
76
P OEMS
S M O KE
T E R BA C K E R
H eck
Roge rs was a F l o s i fe r
In the ranges l on g ago
H e allus smoked a corn cob p i p e
A fore he d say ye s o r no
,
’
,
any q uestion thet cum u p
F e r deci d i u which wuz right
And H eck wu z plumb correct
In a p e a c e fe s t er a f ight
Bout
’
,
.
uster say You m i ght git shot
While s mo ki n u v the weed
Bu t I take a chanst u v a whi ff er two
A fore I draw a b ead
“
He
,
’
.
game u v life we re pl ayi n hard
Is l i ke a p ig t h e t s in a poke
An ther h a in t no e r e c t decisions made
Without t e r ba c k e r smoke
Th e
’
’
’
’
.
allus smok e d the o l cob p ip e
An gazed in re tros p ect
Afore he tied a hangman s knot
E r ro u n d a rustler s neck
He
’
’
,
’
’
.
H eck
wus a serious feller
Who mostly never joked
Ner cum to no conclusions
N o t until he hed smoked
,
.
O ne day a rustler drilled him
A thirty thirty hole
We seed h i m p itch an reel
Then o ff h i s b o s s he rolled
-
,
’
.
We raised him f rum a pool u v b lood
And ast him wuz he hurt
H e p i n t e d t o the o l cob pipe
In the pocket u v h i s shirt
,
’
.
We loaded her wi th b urley lea f
An ast him could he ride
H e smoked the p i pe to the last hot whif f
Then laid it down and d i ed
’
.
.
POEM S
TO MY
SO N
77
.
I love you my lad my fair haired b oy
In s p ite o f your noise and your din
I love the so i led hand that holds on to Dad
And the f ace that s unsullied by sin
-
,
,
,
.
’
.
I know that the years must soon bring care
And pa i n and trouble to yo u
M a y you stand like a S partan staunch at you r p o s t
E ver daring your duty to do
.
,
.
I cannot teach you life my S on
F rom experiences o f my own
F o r yo u must l e arn to sail life s seas
At the wheel o f a shi p of your own
,
,
,
’
.
I f youth could learn f rom a g e
The lessons age ha s learned
Then experience would n o t keep school
And trouble to joy woul d turn
,
,
.
must stand at the helm of a shi p
O n the treacherous sea o f life "
And weather the gales and pilot your ship
Amid the winds o f storm and strife
S oon yo u
,
.
world don t care a rap o r a pin
the storms yo u had or the sort
The question they ask and an answer they want
Did you bring your shi p int o p ort ?
Th e
F or
’
.
I dare n o t pray that yo u won t have storms
O r wish yo u a life of ease
F o r n o t a shi p is plowing the main
T hat ha sn t struggled in heavy seas
’
,
,
’
.
I dare n o t ho p e that there won t be rocks
O ff the coast o f shores untro d "
But man your shi p like a sailor true
And leave the rest t o Go d
’
.
B e loyal my boy to the pal at yo ur side
And laugh at the gale s mad snort
It s helmsman that s true to his cra ft and his crew
That brings a ship into port
,
,
’
.
’
’
.
,
TO
B RI D E
THE
s to the br i d e o f t h e roseate d ream
O f a cru i se d own the r i ver o f years
In a flower la d en boat o e r sh i mmer i ng waves
With never a doubt o r a fear
H ere
’
’
,
.
B on voyage young bri de of the roseate dream
M a y the helmsman o f your craft be true
As the steel to the magnet as the c ompass t o the po le
M ay your helmsman be to yo u
,
,
,
.
Not alone a pilot through the sunshiny day
When life is a gladsome song
B ut who stands at the wheel when the storm s fury
breaks
With a heart of o a k through the wild night long
,
,
’
,
.
M a y yo u
lash your hearts together as
And laugh at the gale s wi ld snort
It s the crew that s loyal each to each
T h at brings a ship to port
on e
’
,
’
’
.
As you sail this sea be it stormy o r fair
M a y you never do less than your best
T i l the shi p heaves into that haven o f peace
In the land locked harbor o f res t
,
,
’
,
-
.
T OA ST
H ere
TO
T H E K AI S E R
s to the crafty head
O f the H ohenzollern realm
Who would steer the world o n the sea o f tim e
F rom the H ohenz ollern helm
’
.
M ay
his life b e spared fo r ages
And filled with mortal dread
U ntil all the curses he h a s earn ed
Are hea p ed upo n his head
,
.
M ay
he lean upon a bed o f thorns
That s wet with B elgian tears "
T hat white plague bugs may bore his lungs
F o r just o n e thousand years
’
.
M ay
in troubled dreams his fiendish deeds
Come trooping back to him "
M ay the cry o f starving B elgian babes
Remind him o f his whims
,
.
,
P OE M S
the sea g i ve u p i t s martyred dead
solemn death bells toll
each i nto a demon turn
To torture his qua king soul
M ay
M ay
M ay
79
,
,
.
M ay
from the spirit world
Come the white clad murd ered nurse
T o flaunt in his shameful face
Th e Red Cross and her curse
,
.
M ay
his vict i ms dance i n fiendish glee
And curse hi s hateful nam e
While a T B strangling choking cough
Rac ks his fevered frame
,
,
.
.
,
.
M ay
no physic i an of k i ndly fac e
N o r nurse that s deft o f ha nd
E e r come anear this huma n wreck
T o lend a help i ng hand
,
’
,
’
.
M ay
the bugs gnaw o n fo r the thousand years
F o r once o r twice or thrice "
F o r he i s worse ten thousand times
T han the mob that murdered Christ
,
,
.
T HE
D R U GG I S T
In the field o f pharmaceutics
The p i l l i s t labors n i g ht and day
Rendering service t o the mi ll i ons
As they pass on life s highway "
H e s the Nat i on s burden bearer
F aithful valet to the m o b
And his wage fo r ceaseless service
Is great honor and a j o b
,
,
,
’
’
’
,
.
O n the wall the gilded parchment
Tells h o w Druggist W i lliam Shaw
Is a graduate in ph a rmi c s
And a keeper o f the law
T o the ornate m y stic L atin
Alma M ater s signed her name
Attesting William s fitness
F or the pill and p owder game
.
’
’
.
Near it hangs a shee p skin
By William much a d ored
A gold stamped b i t of record
It s his clearance from the Board
,
,
,
’
,
P OE MS
80
Tha t permits aforesaid W i lliam
To toil from early morn till late
S ell i ng stamps and runni ng errands
Anywhere within the State
.
In his human su ffering parlor
Y o u may use his telephone
Borrow his hammer and p liers
O r anything else he owns
“
”
N o use to even s a y Thank You
H e s the martyr o f the age
And loves such impositions
As make other merchants rage
,
,
.
’
,
.
Will the druggist ever wake up
And make the rabble pay
F o r the service they fil c h f rom him
As they pass on life s highway ?
Will he ever get his mind o n the dollar
T hat he ll need for declining years
“
”
O r will the half heart ed Thank You
B e the pay o f his p eers ?
’
’
-
M ay
M ay
the money bug st ing him in the bonnet
he sit up stra i ght and take note
T hat at least for a thousand years
T h e druggist has been the goat
.
A D R U G ST O R E R O M ANC E
Sh e was a q ueen o f the modern day
Sh e t hrilled the p assers by
H e r shap e brought men straight to her side
H e r form caught every eye
,
,
,
.
was a lad o f stolid build
Whose s mile wa s l i ke a song
H e fondled her t r a pp i ngs and squeezed her
T hroughout the whole day long
He
,
ar
m
.
T ogether they stood through the
T h i s lad and h i s wonderful lass ,
S m i l i ng and heckling and fl i rting
With the
mo b
summer days
that was surging past
.
Not jealous was he n o t j ealous was s h e
O f t h e rabble to the left and right
H e stuck by her side through the long h o t day
And often half of the night
,
,
,
,
.
,
P O E MS
81
When autumn came with falling leaves
And winds that s i gh and whine
Th i s l a d went awa y to t h e college town
And le f t her f ar behind
,
.
wrestle with pharmic pro blems dee p
With chem i cs and materia med
Sh e d i d not sigh one single time
Nor wi s h that she was dead
To
,
-
.
did not write n or phone n o r wire
T o her whom he left behind
S uch doing s would have been f oolish
F o r she was deaf and dumb and b lind
He
,
,
,
L et me ex p lain dear reader to you
B efore yo u take the count
H e was just a soda s q uirt
And she a soda fount
,
,
.
,
,
.
CA M O UF L A G E
We spy a poem nowadays
O f E p ic mark and brand
T hat lauds a hero to the skies
As through the line s we scan
THE
,
,
,
.
T hrough F eudal
T h e author leads
halls o e r Cactus Plains
us o n
In forests deep o n mou ntain heights
H e pours h i s soul in song
’
,
.
,
,
.
We love his hero with a heart
That dares and bant e rs fate
U nt i l we find that we ve been worked
By an advertising fake
,
’
.
He
plays the gamut o f our lives
But makes us sore and ill
When he says the only thing to take
Is Pu g l e y s Purgative P i ll
,
’
.
A D R UGGI S T T O
HIS
WI F E
s to a face like the sunshi ne
s to eyes like the dew "
s to my sweetheart girl o f my dreams "
D ear heart here s to you
H ere
H ere
H ere
’
,
’
’
,
’
,
.
,
PO E M S
82
is the smile that comes to me n o w
Adown the r i ver o f years
F rom a sweet girl i s h fac e that haunts me always
And blesses me with com fort and cheer
S weet
,
,
,
.
H ere
s to the enchantres s who holds in her hands
The chain s that make me a slave "
H ere s to the woman who fights by my side
And helps me life s battle s to brave
’
’
,
’
.
Not a queen o f p ink teas f rom the social stam p ede
Not a beauty o er whom the world raves
B ut a q ueen o f creation whom Go d ma de to be
F irst at the cradle and last at the grave
,
’
,
.
While I toil long hours through the noo ntide of ni gh t
A s the ni ght birds tril l and wee p
L ike an eagle she watches over two tousled head s
And four childish hands that slee p
,
,
,
.
While I toil through the night in th e still silent room
T o cool some fever scorched brow
H e r spirit is with me her hand o n my arm
H e r face I can s e e even now
,
-
,
,
,
.
rocks a cradl e and makes a home
F a r f rom the maddening whirl
And the hand that rock s that cradle thank
I s the hand that rul es my world
Sh e
,
,
,
Go d ,
.
s t o the girl o f the years that have flo wn
T o the woman who gladdens my li f e
H ere s t o the queen o f home s domain
M y mistress my sweetheart my wife
H ere
’
,
,
’
’
,
.
,
,
A
T RIB U T E
k
( T o A rt h u r S i l l e rn )
Called from the fields at mid day
Called i n the prime o f life "
Called t o the re alms o f the great b eyond
Called from toil and strife
-
,
.
i s the brain of a genius
is the hand o f a friend
i s the great throbbing heart
That beat fo r all manner of men
S tilled
S tille d
S t i lled
,
,
.
,
,
84
P OE M S
T H AT
R O U ND
-
IN
UP
M E M P H I S T E NN E S SE E
,
I ve seed a lot
round ups
An they re noth i n new to me
B ut the liveliest o n e I ve been to
Wuz in M emphis T ennessee "
’
uv
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’
’
’
,
’
,
Where pill rustlers frum three ranges
G anged around in gladsome glee
An tied t h e ir pintos to the hitch rack
In M emphis Tennessee
,
’
.
,
T har
beside the Dad u v Waters
We d a happy bone dry spree
An I m d o fl i n u v my Stetson
T o M emp h is Tennessee
’
’
’
’
.
,
f
fr
m M ississi pp i
an me
An a b u nch u v home ranch thorough b re d s
T hat lived in Tennes s ee "
T har wuz olks
F ru m Arkansas
u
,
’
,
,
’
T hey
throwed u s in the big corral
An it wu z a sight to see
Us rompin round the Chisca
In M emphis Te n nessee
’
’
’
,
.
We talked u v range conditions
O f war o n land and sea
And the price u v pills an p owders
In M emph i s Tennessee
,
,
’
,
.
E ver
feller jest said H owdy
An n o w how do you be ?
Never seed sich a fri endly burg
As M emphis Tennessee
”
“
,
’
,
.
lad i es wuz jest c h armin "
And s m il i n hully gee "
I know I never will fe r g i t
That M emphis Tennessee
Th e
’
’
,
,
.
I m fe e l i n kinder l o n e s u m
I m s a d and blue today
But when I cash i n I h op e I go
T o M emphis Tennessee
’
’
,
’
,
.
.
P O E MS
A R O U ND
-
UP
85
N E W AWL E A N S
IN
T h e big round u p i s com i n
’
S oon you an me aga i n
’
.
W i ll m i x up w i th the big herd
Bes i de the Ponchartrain
Dope hustlers from pill pastures
O n S eptember day s i xteen
Will be millin around the G runewald
Down in New A wl e an s
.
’
.
b esi de
T har
the Dad u v Waters
In th i s sunny S outhern range
Wil l be the g r i n g o e s from M o n t an y
”
F i ll em up and keep the change
Say i n
Thar s t h e cha p from M i n n e s o t y
With his gun mit o n h i s bean
”
Shaking han s a n d say i ng H owdy
Down in New A wl e a n s
,
,
“
’
’
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’
,
,
“
’
.
They ll be thar from Ci n c i n n a t t y
F rum Clevelan d an from Ch i
They ll h i t the tra i l from F r i sco
Across the d esert d r y
A brace o f han s from Boston
W i ll b i d farewell t o beans
An graze awh i le o n lobsters
Down i n New A wl e an s
’
,
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be long horns thar frum Texas
Thet once wa s p o w fu l d amp
Who ll pass up the so d y founta i ns
L ike a pay tra i n l e aves a tramp
T h a r l l be fellers thar from K ansas
An North D a ko t y w i ll be seen
An 0 1 fren Al frum Iowa
Will be in New Awl e an s
T h ar l l
’
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,
’
.
’
,
’
,
’
’
,
.
Cu n n e l S aux ,
of the G runewald
Won t hev much to s ay
”
H ere s yer chuc k and co ff ee
C e pt i n
T hree times every day
T h a r l l be v i ands p o w fu l fit t i n
An co ffee t h at s a dream
L oosen up yo belt and wa i st band
Afore yo u start to New Awl e an s
uv
,
’
’
“
’
’
.
’
’
’
’
’
.
’
.
be bevies u v fair ladies
like a newborn day
M others sweethearts sisters
T h ar l l
’
Sm i l i n
’
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,
,
86
POEMS
Uv t h e g r e at
N A R D
Come an git ac q ua i nted
With Col um b i a s qu eens
T hey ll be p o w fu l glad to see
Down in New Awl e an s
.
.
.
.
’
’
’
’
o
u
y
.
be busine s s in the sessions
An yarns at night an noon
As a burr head bell h 0 p p asses
Pagin M r H uhn
G e t o u t yo s wal l e r tailed regalia
Com and brush yo bean
F o r that s goin to be some p arty
Down in New Awl e an s
T h ar l l
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,
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.
’
,
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’
’
.
I f you hear the b a nds a tootin
L ike pl ayi n fo r their lives
Don t go and git excited
It s just Arkansaw arrived
I f you hear the rebel yell
L ong an loud an mean
T hat s H arry M ayer f rom M em p his
Bringin T ennessee to New Awl e a n s
’
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,
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,
’
T H E O KL A H O M A
.
R O U ND U P
-
T here s goin to be a r o un d u p
O f the p ill hounds o f the state
In O klahoma City
Now don t fo r g i t the date
’
’
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,
’
.
O n the l e v e n t h day o f A p ril
In nineteen twenty two
Pill hustlers f rom the ranges
Will be lookin round fo r you
’
,
-
’
,
’
.
Don t b e a p e sky p iker
Come on an let em see
T hat you re among the big mob
A millin round the Lee
’
,
’
’
’
’
’
.
T here
s goin t o be tall d o i n s
Roun d the H uckins fer three days
Joe s bo a rd i n house will b e fu ll
Grab o ff your b un k t oday
’
’
’
’
’
’
.
,
P O E MS
I t s goin to be some p arty ,
F rom nuts plumb back to soup ,
’
H igh Sp eed Caldwell s range os s
’
’
b
And he swings a wicked loo p
.
in among the cattle
And l isten to these chaps
H ell s broke loose in
Sayin
”
And Durant s o n the ma p
Gi t
“
’
E nid
’
,
’
.
H ear Shack
the noisy rascal
G i t an earf ul o f his jaw
T h e wild ma n from Wynnewood
Beside the Washita
,
,
,
,
.
And t h at s that M ister Pullen
F rom M uskogee in the hills
H ead gunman o f the outfit
T hat s rollin O kl ah o my s pills
’
,
’
’
’
be ladi e s po wf ul purty
Jest modest like and sweet
F e r O kl ah omy has em
T hat the world can t beat
T h ar l
.
’
,
,
’
’
.
We will trip the light fantastic
With O klahoma ladies fair
When the nervous wail i n fiddle
Comes a c re e p i n through the air
,
’
’
.
way we l toddle to the trombone
Will be a po wfu l sight
We ll be s t e ppi n the j a zza r s
T hro ugh the noontide o f night
Th e
’
,
’
’
.
Close up the joint and b eat it
Whatever else you do
O n the l e v e n t h day o f A p ril
N ineteen twenty two
,
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.
87
THE PR ICE O F S UCCESS
V E RY des i rable ach i evement has i t s p rice E very
step forward costs e ffort The chap who said
”
There i s n o excellence without gre at labor was
not an amateur in the game o f l i fe T h e man who said
”
had cut the
E ternal v i gilance i s t h e price o f success
cards i n the great game unt i l he knew whereof he spoke
for verily n o man wa s ever born w i th th i s much w i s d om
S uch p h i l o c o p h y comes only from those who have had the
tutors h i p o f necess i ty t h at grim teacher wh o is dean o f
the school o f exper i ence in wh i ch not only fools but even
th e wise must learn the hard lessons o f life In fact
we are mostly fools unt i l we go through the har d sh i ps
that are th i ckly strewn along the road to success S u c
cess i s n o t a stat i onary atta i nment "i t i s forev e r m o v
ing away from i t s pursuers a n d i t s lur i ng call o f work
work c omes w i th every wak i ng moment and i n d reams
The amass i ng o f a m i ll i on d ollars may n o t mean success
The m i ll i on t h at means success i s t h e earne d m i l l i on th at
e
ame
l
i
ttle
at
a
time
through
unc
as i ng vi g i lance and
c
hard work a n d not the m i ll i on t h at came accid e ntally
when fate wa s loafing o n t h e j o b
E ternal v i gilance and har d work w i l l put the poorest
business o n th i s cont i nent i nt o pay d i rt a s a prof i t mak e r
T h er e a r e many b e tter
E ternal v i g i lance i s head work
pitch i ng arms i n the big leagues than t h e t wi rl i ng w i ng
o f Christy M athewson but gr e at e r hea d s th e r e are n o ne
S uccess i n bus i ness i s a b i g game that works head a n d
hands to full capacity H an d s cannot w i n without h ead
work H ead w i ll never score work i ng alone Br i ll i ant
i deas are born only t o d i e i n an unsystematized bus i ness
that needs a rranging from the curb t o the alley The
store that looks like first money i n a clean u p contest will
never get anywhere if the want book and the advertising
are overloo ked E very bus i ness that is approach i ng suc
cess must have at least o n e man whose judgment is
supreme H e is a kind o f a court o f last resort H e has
observed worked and toiled No deta i l has escaped his
eagle eye o r his lightning powers of discernment H e
has seen things happ en and things that have hap p ened
once do not have to hap p en again to r emind him of the
e ff ect that comes from a cert ain cause O nce in a great
.
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89
PRI CE
THE
90
f actory
OF S UCCE S S
whos e p ay roll were tho u sands o f me n with
many ex pe rts and each supp osed to possess all the i n fo r
mation th at went with his job and to be able to co pe with
any situation that mi ght arise it hap p ened that the belt
on a big machine wa s slip p ing and the o p erator o f the
machine did everything he knew to do to no avail Th e
master mechanic of the p lant was called and exhausted
his collection of tricks o f the trade including the pouring
of sticky belt dressin g o n the belt t o make it hold the
pul leys but it continued to s l ip Af ter all had given u p
i n despair they went to the pri vate o ff ice o f the O ld
”
M a n who had established the factory more than thirty
years ago T h e problem that had ba ff led the exper t was
laid before him a n d he solved it in two minutes "in three
”
wor ds he said t i ghten the belt
It matters not how
small the business nor h o w large there must be an old
”
man ( o r a young o n e ) who knows things and holds him
self personally re sponsible fo r everyth i ng that ha p pe ns
and never makes an excuse when things go wrong o r
takes credit when they g o right No busines s ever suc
H o w many
c e e d e d where nobody carried resp onsibility
successful business men could yo u find in the whole
world who would buy a busi ness em p loy enough clerks
to operate it and go away and leave i t expecting t o suc
ce e d ?
S uccess depends mainly o n the man
S ome men
would arrive at success in sp i te o f a l l the obstacles that
can be piled into their paths The man who succeeds
must pay the p ri ce H e must play the game for blood
H e must not mu ff the grounders bee f at the um p ire o r
play to the gran dstand Anytime he takes his gun eye
o ff o f the works a long fly will slip out o f his mit and
”
old Compe t across the street puts one by for a home
“
”
run In etern al vigilance eternal means what it says
Not semi weekly or every now and then but every
m i nute The chap who thinks he has b o ught success
and the goods are not delivered did not p ay for it Th e
money was not o n the mahogany H e mi sto ok eternal
for occasionally H e loafed at the plate until the ump i r e
called two and swi p ed at the third one and missed it
seven feet I call to mind a hot house confection who
smokes swears and wears men s clothes who thought
he had a hal f Nelson on success H e blew up recently
and when the smoke had cleared away it was fo u nd that
he owed variou s fi rms scattered along from Augusta to
G alveston a matter o f
for drug store mer
c h a n d i s e that a burglar would not have
moved bac k
i nto the store if he found them on the curb
T his
lad was n o t allowed to succeed H e was sandbagged by
on
,
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.
THE
92
PR I CE
OF S UCCE S S
W i ll i e just two years t o erase h i s John H enry from Brad
st re et s book o f batting averages and give the creditors
Willi e did not intend
t h e sandbag square o n the bean
t o do it but he coul d have steered an oc ean liner across
the Atlantic just as easily as he could pilot the big store
with the big expense account toward success In paying
for success money i s n o t a legal tender G rilling e x pe ri
ence bloody p erspiration and slee pless nights are some
o f the th i ngs exacted o f the man who would burn his
John H enry into the exclusive scroll
Really successful pharmacists in most cases began
with a s i nk full o f unclean vials in the ten d er years o f
ch i ldh ood and by putting every moment that can be
spared from sleep to the task o f getting information on
t h e game finally in the afternoon o f life are able to retire
from the t i le and spatula and spend t h e gloam i ng fin d i ng
o u t what h a s happened in the world during their exile
They know the great Remington but never heard T olstoi
They are familiar with Wilhelm B odemann but n o t wise
t o E lbert H ubbard The sweet faced bride o f former years
n o w a gray ha i red matron o n a S unday morn i ng in spring
leads h i m into a church where a kindly faced min i ster
extols the joys o f the great beyond and the beauty o f
the golden c i ty "and i n the daze he is catching himsel f
won d er i ng what rent the best corners w i ll bring and if
the c i garette tax i s the sam e in heaven a s i n S an Antonio
’
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,
.
Alfred H enry L ewis told the whole story when he
“
”
made h i s O ld Cattleman s a y : Success i n l i fe ha i n t in
”
h o l d i n a goo d hand but p l a yi n a poor o n e well
I have
seen more wrecks that were attributable t o bad buying
than t o any other o n e cause M any a l i ttle d ru g store
woul d be a m i n i ature m i nt if the propr i etor coul d be s a t
i s fie d with h i s o wn profit instead o f try i ng to get the
j obber s p ro fit also by buying more goods than he needs
t o save a small discount
A small retailer is beginning
t o get i n the game when he learn s to buy a gross o f
S a l H e p at i c a fo r e i ght dollars instead o f paying ninety
“
’
’
’
,
.
.
’
.
fo r i t
o
.
This wonderf ul feat is accomplished by buying each
dozen with the same eight dollars with which he bought
the first dozen A jobber s t wo per cent each month
beats a manufacturer s five once a year O f cours e there
are several thousand other things t o d o in the retail drug
business besides the buying Any man in the business is
entitled t o pull a bonehead occasionally but must not
pull the same o n e twice There is no primrose path that
leads t o success Primrose paths lead elsewhere "espe
c i a l l y i s th i s true o f the retail pill game
S uccess never
’
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TH E
P RI C E
OF S UC CE S S
93
fluctuates in the market F ate is a square dealer and sells
it to all of us at the same price S ometimes it leaves us
with fl i g h t y heads and nervou s hands but when we win
there is a sweet sat i sfaction in knowing that we b eat the
game E very man in the game has more brain than he
uses more ability than he shows and is capable o f more
e ff o r t than he s p end s
E very successfu l man must study
his business if he is to kno w it H e may know it today
but he must keep his eye on the signals o r wo n t know
it tomorr ow E very bit o f power both mental and p hysi
cal that the hum an dynamo wi l I generate an d ap p ly i s
T H E PRIC E O F S U CC E S S
.
.
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THE FABLE O F SPA RTIC US
J AW S M ITH M D
l
b d f m h A
(S m b i g
y f h w
k wl d g w k p
by h
p p l
ti l h
.
,
a
e n
e
t or
a s
a
o
o
u
.
ro
t
e s cu a
e
e
ac e u n
o
u
o
r
n
t
e
e
s
u
t
o
e
n
i
o
e
an
p
a r s o f th e p r o
c o u l d g r o w t h e r e g u l a i on h r s u t e h an d l e
f e s s i o n a n d s a e u p e n o u g h o f t h e fil t h y l u c r e t o p a y fo r
’
o o l s fo r j i m my i n g t h e d ia g
u r g l ar s
a firs t c l a s s k i t o f
r e a i n g in t o t h e h u m an c a ca s s
and
n o s c t i me l o c
Wh i l e h i s p e d i g re e an d ra c r e c o r d a s a p rac ti t o n e r wa s
li e a l l y s p ri n l e d wi t h u n e r al s h e s a t s t e a d y i n t h e o at ,
e qu e n
u n i n d po e s a t t h e
s t r o e d t h e whi s e r s , t o o
Gre a Am e ri c an F r au d a n d a l way s g o t awa y wi t h t h e
m o n e y e ca u s e h e e l o n g e d )
t
v
k
ti
b
b
k
r
k
t
t
b k
t k
f
k fr
k
b
b
b
i
r
i
k
t
.
b
k
.
O nce o u t in a tank munic i pality where the loc al
sto p s t o kick o u t a couple o f mail sacks filled with the
S emi Weekly Cabbage L eaf and gets the eggs there lived
in marital p eace two simple yokels with glittering fore
heads and passions fo r good eating tobacco T h is well
broken matrimon ial team lived together to kee p from
mussing up two perfectly good houses and t o rear a c
cording to orthodox Presbyterian usage a s on Spar t i cu s
”
T h e posterity was christened Sp art i c u s just because
and then from a glimpse at t h e youngster it did not l o ok
like it would make much di fference what he was called
T h e parental duet who registered in the Yap Division
every time they said a word did not know whether
S p art i c u s wa s the tough S crapper wh o kept the br i dge in
the brave days of old o r the latest addition to the
catalogue o f the International H arvester Company T hey
were inclined to think the latter was the case and som e
times feared that the o ff spring might be con fused with
the newest style o f gasoline engine
When Spa r t i c u s o f the plebe i an parentage was eigh
teen summers from the nursery he could r epeat the m ul
t i pl i c a t i o n table backward and had teased h i s hair into
laying down the wrong way the humble progenitors
were sore perp lexed as they wanted S o n to cut a large
”
gash in life either as a barr i ster p u l p i t e e r o r d a wkt e r
As t o whipsawing the juries they decided he would never
be able to deliver the goods "as a preach er he d i d not
look the part owing to the fact that h i s eyebrows were
t oo close to h i s eyes
They finally conspired together in
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95
o
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F A BLE OF S PAR TI C US J A:WS M I TH , M
96
.
D
.
packing h i s th i ngs into one of those rural war bag s that
fastens with a stra p across each end They hied him
away to the city where he matriculated in the Gangrene
College o f Physicians and S urgeons
-
.
,
.
was an apt student "that is he was apt to f all
asleep in the middle of a lec ture even when the big wind
o f the knowledge brewery was s p illing his most sulphur
”
O ld Spart as
o u s tirade anent disrep u table nostrum s
he was dubbed waded along through the mystic lore for
four years and still thought that we were under obliga
tions to G eneral G oethals for the alimentary canal but
was licensed to burn M D at th e end of his John H enry
as part o f his regular signature afte r the mortar board
cap and b lack kimona seance
He
,
“
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,
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Armed with a lambskin and a l o t o f nerve he r e
t u rned to the gem o f the H ubbard S q uash Circuit where
he had first seen t h e light rented a suite over the Rhu
barb Ph armacy and hung out a neat black and gol d sign
attesting to the willingness o f S Jawsmith Physician
and S urgeon to have peo p le come and give him the i r
money
,
,
,
.
,
,
.
had qui te a b it o f inf orma ti o n on the mild chloride
o f mercury was wise to quinine an d re duced iron and
knew about all that was known about several good propri
e t a ri e s
H e was tickl ed into ecstasy to take a dollar o ff a
hick for sending him downstairs wi th a prescri ption
He
,
.
.
H owever
he noted that there were other worlds to
con q uer and when the gr een apple season came o n he
discovered that h e was n o t getting h i s H e discerned that
t h e fat of the R i c i n i s Communis was knock i ng h i s i n
come into a cocked hat because the Rubes bought a
d i me s worth and he did not get his d o llar but he saw h i s
chance H e grew facial vines o f the professional type and
s o aked h i s savings fo r a kit o f j i mmies fo r breaking into
p e ople Common Colly Wobbles and H ors e Colic o c
c a s i o n e d by mixing t o o much cold slaw on i ons a n d home
made ice cream immediately became appendicitis— that
o l d reliable standby that has kept many an M
D out of
the hay fields
,
,
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’
,
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.
.
When he was called to some youngster wh o had ex
c e e d e d his stomachic capacity with green groceries fresh
from the gard en he put the etern al kibosh t o the home
remed i es by declaring against the historic castor o i l and
the venerable musta rd plaster H e would unho ok a f ew
links o f ancient lingo popular d u ring th e days o f H omer
stroke the vines and s a y nothing but a laparotomy wo uld
,
.
,
,
F A BLE OF S PAR TI C US J A WS M I TH ,
D
97
.
save the boy s life all of which would knock the breath
o u t of the agr i c u lturalists because it h i t them below the
’
,
After his first operation which was a howling s u c
cess although the patient died p romptly he found that
h e was shy a rubber glove and a pair of artery f orce p s
which to this day have not be e n found although the
cemetery h a s not been searched H owever Sp a r t i c u s did
not m o urn the loss o f his tools because h e took more
long green o ff o f the fam i ly fo r sewing them up i ns i de the
patient than he could have separated them from in years
givin g them medicine
,
,
,
,
,
.
,
.
d e veloped into a real ra z ma t a z surgeo n
from lame bac k
a n d operated fo r eve r y kno wn d i sease
to d i sappointed a ff ection s H e was strong for the moth
ers clubs H e could climb int o his low neck e d he a d
wa i ter upholste ry w i th a large white chr ysanthe mum in
the buttonhole spill a fe w choice technical terms and t h e
dames we re rea d y to fo l low h i m around H e butted in t o
the schoo l s addressed the ladies aid societies i n wh i ch
he paraded long lists of dead babies drunken mothers
and frequent funerals due to use o f patent medic i ne
Sp a r t i c u s
-
-
,
,
.
’
-
.
,
.
’
,
,
,
.
did not know whether p atent medi c i ne wa s
good bad or ind i ff erent but he did know that i t was bad
business to perm i t a mutt to get relie f from a twenty fiv e
cent bottle of some disre p utable nos t rum wh e n there wa s
a chance to slice h i m up and stick t h e family o r the l i fe
insurance com p any for a few hundred good Amer ican
dollars
S p art i c u s
,
,
-
.
had the ancient lightning r o d man backed
into a siding t o wait for sanitari um treatment fo r loss o f
speech when it came t o talk i ng th em into hav i ng a part
of the anatomy re moved All that interrupted the career
o f the great surgeon was tha t the price o f cemetery lot s
rose like patent yeast and in the percentage column o f the
k i llings and cures the former had the best o f i t
Spa r t i c u s
.
,
,
.
O n a sunny spring morning he received an urgen t
call to the bedsid e o f o n e James Partridge who owned
the north half of t h e county and everything in the v i llage
except the p osto ff ice Sp a r t i c u s could s e e some ve ry
p i nk nice pleasant business ahead o f him "in fact long
before he arrived in sight o f the Partridge home he had
figured that he could do it for three thousand dollars
as Partridge was l i kely to survive the operation having
been k i cked by mules run over by tractors and struck by
lightning w i thout making a dent in his general health
,
,
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,
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F A BL E OF S PAR TI C US J A WS M I TH , M
98
.
D
.
went through the usual tactics of feeling the
pul se pok i ng the p a tient i n the r i bs and squeez i ng a
stethoscop e against h i s breast presumably to s e e if he
could find a knock in his eng i ne but really Sp ar t i c u s
wa s n o t count i ng the pulse o r l i sten i ng to t h e heart beats
he wa s try i ng to figure o u t h o w t o break the news t o the
pat i ent i n a way t h at would make the three thousand a
c i nch It wa s n o t a matter o f phys i ology but a matter
When he had fin i shed h i s once over he
o f phys i ognomy
reg i stered pain and sympathy in a way that wo ul d make
M ary Pickford green with envy H e told M r Partridge
that h e m i ght survive this attack but that the next one
would get his angora
Sp a rt i c u s
,
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veteran p ork shipper buck ed like a brindle steer
“
and told the doctor where to go The doctor said All
”
right do as yo u like but before he le f t he tipped the
wife and daughters that father Wa s in a bad way H e
told them that the family meal ticket was the vict i m o f
infla mmation o f the vermi form ap p endix T h e family
threw a swee p stake fit right o ff the reel landed o n
”
Pa w with tears and a s usual they com p ro mised by
having it like mother and the girls wan ted it
Th e
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was bun dl ed o ff to the Jawsmith human re p air
where he was p romptly opened and searched f or
s ho p
trouble H e recovered rapidly in spite o f all the doctor
could do and was back among t h e Poland Chinas in
less than t wo weeks but had a pain in the region o f the
incision T h e pain grew worse and worse until the old
m an was sick fo r f a i r and had to be r e opened M other
stood hard by this time in spite o f the p erky nurses who
trie d to get h er o u t o f the room and she noticed the
needles and the ball of t wine that the doc tor removed
and thought they were out of p lace ins i de a human
b eing
F ather
,
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,
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When father recovered the second butcher ing and r e
”
“
turne d to his beloved H awg s mother told him about
the nee d les and twine and he did not do a thing but s u e
the doctor for malpractice When the case was tried it
was found that the site of justice was full o f strange
whiskered individuals with dinky littl e cha i ns re aching
from the second story windows o f their vests to little
gold safety pin fastenings When father s lawyer saw
”
these he said Well it s all o ff
.
’
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,
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’
,
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Dr Jawsmith proved by the vandykes that it was
sometimes necessary to leave a few things i nside the
pat i ent F ather cursed the experts quietly grinned and
pa i d the costs and the three thousand
.
,
.
.
S O ME GRAFTERS I HAV E
KN O W N
with a great degree o f pardonable p ride that I
r y day
to
my
pro
f
ound
knowledge
o
what
the
eve
m
f
o
t
p
American is p leased to denominate a grafter owing o f
co u rse t o the f act that I have bought ex p er i ence in
q uan tity lots
T IS
,
.
I am not exaggerating when I say that I have met
them all from the youthful specimen from the home o f
fice in Iowa C i ty who has a line of toilet s p ecialties an d
p erf umes with a show c ase free a deal tha t has put more
retail druggists in John D Rocke f eller s class than boo ze
ever put in jail up to the fatherly old gentleman who is
doing a p h i lanthro p ic stunt with old Dr J ag g e rm an s o l d
family r e m e dies with an advertising
r eliable line of
scheme t h at would abso lutely f orce customers into your
p lac e and likewise coin into y our p ocket
,
,
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’
.
,
’
.
.
the star b edecked fi elds o f reminiscence comes
a varied and elegant assort ment o f grafters that in the
matter o f numbers make s t h e sands o f the s e a pale with
i n s i g n ific an c e and the stars o f the gr e at blue dome loo k
as s eldom as o l d maids at a mot hers congress
.
F rom
’
.
Nineteen hundred years after the advent o f our Sa
vior into this vale of tears yours truly embarked in a very
sm all boat on the choppy sea o f p harmacy and it seemed
that in twenty four hours afterward every ex p erience
factory o n the North American continent had gotten a
li ne of inf ormation on me and sent a man o n the fi rst
t rain to make me an el egant s p iel embellished wi t h the
choicest adjectives sla p me o n the shoulder an d show
me where to sign In this gang o f artistic commer cial
p orch climbers were some o f the most thorough best
e duca ted high grade gen t lemen c u t t hroats tha t ever car
ri ed a sample case in T ex as
-
,
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,
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During the palmy days yours respect ful ly was p ass
ing through that i n noc e nt age o f youth when I stoo d ever
ready to give two tens for a five to loan money to tram ps
and could pull more b adgers in a given time than any
amateur in the State
,
.
1 01
,
O
R
S M E G AF TE
1 02
RS
I HA
VE
KN
O WN
I have met the man with the mining stock that paid
f our sixty per cent d i vidends annually and bought enough
stock to paper my room I have been up against the
man w i th the exclusive deal o n a line o f d ope that
worked the cash register overtime I have formed the
ac q uaintance o f the guy who let me in o n the ground
fl oor o f a scheme and I awoke in the fourteenth story
wi th no elevator I have m e t the lad who owns a gold
br i ck p lant with a capacity o f 1 0 0 cars daily and bought
t h e output o f the f actory fo r a year but as I gaze down
t h e well trodden aisles o f the long past meth i nks I can
see the intelligent face o f that king o f grafters the real
artist the finished product the only man living who
could r o b a National cash register with the propriet or
r
h
ooking
at
him
o
whipsaw
a
B
urroughs
a
d
ding
mac
ine
l
i nto telling a lie about a total
H e was master o f his
craft and i f he had been allowed to run at large for two
years would have been the possessor o f a roll o f the
fi lthy lucre t h at would have made August B elmont look
like a sl i ck dime rolling around a bunch o f U nited
A s well as I can remember this whole
S tates bonds
sale short change artist was an elegant looking young
specimen wearing about t wo hundred dollars worth o f
clothes with a sh i ner i n h i s sh i rt front that looked like
an arc light o n the dark o f the moon H e wore a rim
less glass front and talked well I should sm i le a n d smirk
to tw i tter In the matter o f a l i ngu i st i c eluc i dat i on he
had that ancient and time honored purveyor o f l i ghtning
r ods backed into a sid i ng t o wait nine weeks fo r s a n i t o r
ium treatment for loss of speech H e mad e Ananias loo k
l i ke a white sided Texas steer at a Boston banquet
.
,
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H e wa s
discoursing elaborately o n re ason number
sixty four when I began to succumb a rose colored
cloud floated before my eyes a summer home in Atlantic
City a nd to Palm B each when the nort h ers came chased
themselves through my fleeting mind I dreamed o f a
bank roll a s b i g as a Coca Cola barrel and o f doing free
library stunts and being the owner o f a flock o f gasol i ne
carts
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It seemed from the trend o f the pol i she d narrative
that he handed me that he had always felt it was his
duty decreed from the foundation o f the world to come
to Texas and f ree the retail druggists o f the great L one
S tar State from the gall i ng cha i ns o f the j ewelry trust
It was here that I burned my John H en r y into the bot
t o m line o f a sheet o f pink parch m ent conta i ning whereas
and wh yfo r e s H anding me a yellow duplicate he gave
my hand a gentle squeeze and hoped that I could s t and
,
,
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:
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,
O
R
S M E G AF TE
1 04
RS
I HA
VE
KNO WN
the astounding discovery as an investment s p e c i alist I
a m about the most consummate bluff since the p assing o f
D o n Q u ixote
I h ave fed en oug h o f the ban k lithogra p hs into the
mi ll o f experience to p ay the National debt and my c o l
l ect i on o f gold br i cks would make the G alveston s ea
wall green wi th envy I have bought well advertised
atents
i
n
car
lots
to
get
two
per
cent
and
six
months
p
d at i ng only to find t h at they were e ntirely unkn o wn
save to the peo p le who made them I have purchased
expensive space in news p ap ers g uaranteed p r i nted i n
s ix d i fferent languages an d to reach every q uarter Of the
e arth and afterwards f ound that yo u coul d walk o u t O f
the i r circulation in t wo hours o n crutches
.
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,
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And cigars the drug man s nightmare the short ro p e
wrapped in the guise of leaf Queen Of Porto Rico I have
bought them in large juicy bunches supp osed to be the
very s u nshine o f the sm oker s life and later discovered
that they were fi lled w i th rubber comb teeth and wrap p ed
in a painted rag and to smoke o n e o n the street was con
s i d e r e d a m i sdemean or by connoisseur s o f the weed
’
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And stock f ood— my last general inventory sho ws
q uantity lots O f forty three di ff erent brands an d to O ff er
a dollar p ackage as a prize with a ten cent p urchase is
c onsidered a joke by the man with the h oe
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,
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And the well ridden hobby my own pre p arations
”
guaranteed to
I remember well Cousins Aqua Vitae
c ure every disease f rom E czema to disa ppointed a ff e c
I had a customer on it An O l d lady took two
ti on s
b o ttles o f it and had to send f or the doctor
”
“
,
“
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’
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t
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.
.
Casting a retrospective glance over my c areer as r e
c e p t i o n committee for T exas to the gra f ters it seem s to
me that the bunch o f business buccaneers I hav e met
have M ayor S chm i dt O f San F rancisco beat to a ba t ter
and they make Sam Bass and Jesse James look like ama
te n t s I learned long ago that a Spanish dagger in the
h and of a masked highwayman is as harmle s s as a white
winged butterfly compared wi t h a fountain pen in the
ha nd Of a modern business promoter You may th ink
o
f
n
are
the
wise
guy
all
creation
but
your
hook
is
o
o
u
y
the bottom when you ar e fostering any such erroneous
ideas Remember your knowledge i s general but the
man who drags a grip p acked wi th phony samples O f an
ex p erience factory is a specialist And any time yo u
win from o n e of these collectors O f cuti c le you will be
ret ired from service on full p ay with a p ension
Now fo r a s ho rt line o f a dvice to my f raternal b rothers
,
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.
O
R
S M E G A F TE
RS
I HA
VE
K N O WN
1 05
assembled today in the I s land City T ake my advice and
thereby get wi se to the commercial dermatologist and
hand him the comp liments O f the citrus union Remember
that his system of business has sup planted the me t hods o f
the O ld t i me T exas holdup who sto pp ed the stage and
examined the color O f your eyes through the s i ghts o f a
horse p istol wh ile h i s p al turned you u p side down and
counted what f ell o u t never taking more than you had
O n the other hand the daylight burglar takes all you
have and y our note for the balanc e
.
.
,
.
,
.
not think fo r a moment that I mean to dis p ute the
time honored adage that ex p erience is worth whatever
o
p
ay
for
it
but
merely
wish
to
enlighten
you
to
the
u
y
e ff ect that it is my unchangeable belief that if you bull
the experience market you will overstock and believe me
the poor farms are inhabited with would have been m i l
l i o n a i r e s who g o t short o n coin getting long on e x p e ri
ence
DO
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,
,
,
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.
And as I stand before you today the mo st gra fted
grafter ever gra fted I wish to say to you that o f all
grafts ever permitted in T exas barring the New York
L i f e Insurance Com p any and the L ouisiana lottery
the j ewe lry man has them al l wh i pp e d t oa wh i mp e r Y o u
can toy with cotton futures burn holes in the race track
f eed your cash sa les into July wheat you may go down
to the bo o zo l o g i s t and wade waist dee p in that gently
f oaming amber colored li quid that grows wild in M i l
waukee you may get on the outside O f barrels O f cracked
ice soaked in the vintage O f seventeen hundred an d forty
two then go out and b uc k every game from p ing p ong to
p arlor p oker in the p ar k and your assets will grow and
thrive com p ared with the result O f o n e interview with
the j ewelry man
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GE NE
1 08
R AL L Y
S PE A KI N G
Back i n the days when T o m Coulson was in the jelly
bean class and Co a k e y E vans was fill i ng up the hole upon
which they afterwards built Jewett "if a ninety pound
was p y wa i sted gum chewi ng flapper had breezed into a
p i ll emp orium and asked for a l i p stick of barn roo f red
the p harmacist o f that day would have fainted and f allen
r ight down among his own whisker s
-
,
-
-
-
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,
.
Recently F lak e W i ll i ams was o u t West checking u p
a bunch o f salesmen and had O ccasion to use a small
q uantity of F ehling s S olution H e entered a dru g store
and asked for four ounces o f F ehli n g s Solution H e was
told by the proprietor that the soda f ountain had bee n
closed for the winter
’
.
’
.
.
it f o r ty yea rs ago the world must have
b een in a p iti ful state At that time there was no T exas
Board O f Pharma cy Imagine i f you can the world
trying to p lod along without Wilford H arrison and Wal
ter Whisenant At that time Bill C ollins was doing r e
sear ch work on teething rings while Adelaide Richardson
and Clarence E iland were both in the future tense The
longest headed p rophet of that day little dreamed that t h e
Texas B oard o f Pha r macy would be selling T exas cer
t i fic a t e s for
a p iece with a hal f gross o f H arri
son s Red H ead Capsules f ree with each certificate
T hink
Of
,
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,
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’
.
In those days Walter Jarr e tt was as s q u are a guy a s
eve r p ounded p owder in a safe and was earning an honest
living f rom a h yg e a n u rsing bottle never dreaming that
he would eventually be closing up O klahoma drug stores
that sold jake without having a registered p harmacist in
charge Of the bar F orty years ago T o m Roach was not
an old man "he had just passed through that im p udent
age o f red S pats pink neckties and believed that the
honor Of being the greatest living American lay between
Jesse James and Li llian Russell At t hat time T o m had
never tried to unscramble a pint o f Warburg s tincture
or ana lyze a batch o f chili con ca m e
,
.
,
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’
.
sedate pharmacist o f f orty years ago was con
fronted with the momentous question O f whether com
p ound jalap p owder b el onged in the chemical section o r
among the botanicals H e now has a son who cannot
dec i de whether inner tub es b elong in the rubber tube case
o r in the mon k ey wrench d e ar t rmmt
h
old
man
dis
T
e
p
charged a clerk for c onfusi ng s odium bromide with
p otassium bromide " the s on hung the tinware o n a
luncheon e tte j ellybean for getting blue O i ntment in the
crab salad
Th e
.
.
.
GE NE
RAL L Y
S PE A KI N G
1 09
The Old man used to spend hours trying to make
camphor spiri t with awfully little cam p hor T h e young
man is now tryin g to produc e a h o g l e s s ham san d w i ch
make macaroni out of rubber tubing that had gone bad
and whip cream from glucose and cor n starch B oth O f
them were wonders in their day
.
,
.
.
Not only has there been a great change in the phar
ma c i s t s in the last forty years but there has als o been a
“
change in that shapeless mob commonly known as cus
”
tomers
Suppose one O f those v i n e c l a d old heroes of the
game duri ng the days when blue mass and cinchona bark
were specifics for eve rythin g fro m dysentery to d i s ap
p ointed a ffections should be called to the hurricane deck
O f o n e of the roaring pharmaceutical volcanoes o f t o day
Imagine him i f you can as he picks h i s way around
among the sheav e s of magazines stacks o f bathing suits
mountains of 1 0 cent nutme g graters past piles O f plyers
p inch bars and pineapple p ie G lim p se his f acial registra
tion when he n o s e s around f or the smell o f mace and is
h i t in the middle o f olfactory economy with a bre eze
f rom a gu rgling pot o f o n i at e d beef stew
,
.
,
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,
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,
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,
,
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.
”
him as he takes a slant at M ame the ni neteen
twenty three model Venu s o f M ilo who can reg i ster n i ne
teen h u ndred cash sales in eight hours without neglect
ing her nose paint or missing a s i ngle stroke on the
c h i c kl e
and at the same time peddle a thousand 2 0 cent
H avana s to ginks who ex p ected to buy three fo r a dollar
and get 90 cents in ch ange ba c k M ethinks I can see the
O l d chap wrap h i s whiskers ab ou t his shambling form
”
“
and beat it for the desert as M ame gurgles M ust be
”
M ethuselah s grandfather
T here is certainly a di ff er
ence in the typ e of cattle that stam p ede through the cor
ner drug store today and those who browsed around in
the aroma of assafoetida and ammonia valerianate back
in the days when sun dr i es did not include camisoles c o rn
shellers st r a p hinges and c o fl e e
“
Ge t
,
-
,
-
,
-
-
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“
,
’
.
,
’
,
.
When the belle O f 1 8 8 0 hitched O l d Dobbin at the
r ack in front Of T imothy T eeter s Prescri pt i on Phar
macy s h e carr i ed a handbag that looked like a hardware
salesman s sample case in o n e hand while with the other
s h e struggled with an awful load of skirt
Sh e wa s ever
mindful O f the chagrin s h e would experience if M r Teet
ers should s e e the toes Of her shoes although she went
shamelessly about the street with both her ears in pla i n
view Of everyb od y T iptoeing in order to see Over a
concrete collar rei n f orced with whalebone she in a very
reticent manner made known her wants to M r T eeters
’
,
’
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,
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.
GE NE
110
RAL L Y
S PE A KI N G
bought a small square bo x o f p i nk pre pared chalk a
dime s worth Of powdered carmine and a bottle o f F lor i da
water H e r b i ll wa s forty fiv e cents
Contrast th is eighteen and e i ghty model with the t wo
cyl i n d er runabout wh o stops a sl i m nosed l o w hung
man k i lling l i mous i ne w i th two wheels on the sidewalk
and falls in at the front door writh i ng to the teas i ng jazz
from the balcony at S wift Cunningham s M etropol i tan
Pharma cy Polish i ng her nose and tak i ng a poke o r two
at her L ord F auntleroy tresses of W heaten hue s h e says
L ittle serv i ce please and make it snappy "g i mme two
bottles o f that fancy F rench e mbal rn i n flui d yo u was
?
ravin bout yesterday H u h ? What does it sn i ff like
H e y fe l e r I don t care fo r this "smells l i ke a barber shop
wit h an onion patch in the rear G imme Coty s L emme
have four boxes of face dust and a powder pu ff biggest
i
o
f
o
got
nail
files
two
boxes
polish
and
a
pa
i
r
s
f
u
x
o
"
y
bu ffers Go t any str i ped rouge ? G imme two sticks o f
k i sser paint turkey red Nope no hair nets "my m o p
”
leaks o u t through em
Sh e lays d o wn a twenty case
yellow bo y Of which S wift Cunn i ngham s trusted under
study cops nineteen dollars and fifteen cents
F orty years have made a marked change in the stores
B ack when Christy M athewson was learn ing to fling an
eighteen inch curve an d make i t split the plate and
Remington wa s wondering if there was anybody o n earth
o r elsewhere who knew for sure whether o r n o t there
was a single v i rt u r e to sarsaparilla the store known as
ap othecary shops looked more like the sample room o f a
glass factory There wa s a huge array Of f ancy g i lt
labeled bottles and squatty wide mouthed jars with q ueer
names written in O ld E nglish lettering What is now
known as fixtures was then denom i nated shelves and
show cases The shelves were usually the hand i wor k Of
the carpenter who built the build i ng and the showcases
were mounted on huge w
ooden counters Th i s it seems
was done t o keep the men o f average stature from seeing
what was inside Of them The show windows were filled
with huge globes filled with water in which var i ous
an i line products had been d i ssolved Recently I men
t i o n e d aniline t o a d r ug clerk and he thoug h t I was
talking about a movie actress
Back o f the scenes was the laboratory with its exhibit
percolators retorts suppository moulds
o f h l t e n stan d s
etc where the apothecary made fluid extracts elixirs in
fact pract i cally everyth i ng used i n the prescription de
Of
h
e
n
a
m
t
T
i
s
space
i
s
now
occup
i
ed
by
a
battery
r
t
p
ranges
presided
over
by
wh
i
te
ca
p
ped
che
f
s
of
a
s
g
Sh e
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GE NE
1 12
RALL Y S PE A KI NG
the adult dose of hair tonic when taken with
ginger ale What percentage o f hair tonic is used o n the
hair ? What chem i cal e ff ect does the Odor O f onion have
o n s p ark plugs and tire wrenches ?
9
G ive
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the b est method for p utting u p O ne s hand s
when a yeggman slip s a gatling g u n i mmediately under
“
”
one s nose with directions to Stick em up
Which i s
the most unjust Of the twenty eight se p arate taxes a drug
?
gist has to pay ? What is a dose o f rep ublican p ros p erity
10
.
G ive
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THE AW AKEN I N G O F EM O RY
( Sa m e b e in g a s t o ry o f a sa l e s m an wh o o u tl ive d hi s
lin e
H e u s e d t o s p li t t h e pl a t e s o fa s t t h a t n o b o d y c o u l d
g e t t o fir s t b a s e bu t a l m o s t S h o r t c i r c u i t e d i n t h e s e v e n t h
,
.
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i n n i n g an d wh o , bu t fo r t h e c o a c hi n g O f a wi s e o n e ,
wo u l d h a e g o n e t o t h e d s c ar d a l o wn -u p d e l e g a t e )
b
i
v
M O RY
U ND E RW O O D
.
in addit i on t o being
we i ghted down from b i rth w i th a name that would
queer h i m in fast company had a l o t of thin g s the
matter with h i m bes i des what a i led h i m H e started out
in the r ace o f life between t wo gr i ps and lo o ked like a
pennant winner until the seventh when h i s th i nker water
logged and he began t o h i t the bat ten i nches from the
end every other peg O n e o f the arm we i ghts wa s packed
with samples from the house while the other was all
bloate d up with a safety razor and a sheet iron mosquito
proof n i ghtsh i rt o f passionate hue H e was known i n the
S orghum Belt where he let the natives have stacks of
stu ff as the unclassified S pecimen and wa s fam o us fo r
being the owner Of the wa r mest comeback ever exhibited
‘
by a commercial tourist between Ka ff ir Corn Junct i on
and T urn i p Center
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m i ss i on o n earth wa s to inveigle the drug trade
into burning i ts John H enry into t h e lower l i ne o f a s h eet
Of p i nk parchment o n wh i ch were enumerated v a r i ous a n d
sundry tin fo i l manicure i mplements packed in d i nkey
boxes from the cellulose group H i s spec i alty wa s ped
d l i n g a larg e p i ne b o x covered w i th green plush and deco
rate d with i mported ivory made in Chicago hav i ng
”
WIT H LO V E wr i tten in bus i ness college script across
the t o p a n d filled w i th tools essent i al to beauty culture
none o f wh i ch could be used except to look at H e also
had a line of fam i ly photograph albums with windows
in the leaves from o u t o f wh i ch all the relatives who had
faced the cam e ra coul d gaze at whoever chose t o turn
the pages Tak i ng it all the way round E m s l i ne wa s a
humd i nger in e i gh teen hundred and eighty Somehow
o u r hero could n o t get it thro ugh h i s mental condenser
that the M auri nes and Tessies wh o tear around the boule
v ard s
in low hung long n osed man eat i ng limousines
w i th imported speed demons standing o n the a c c e l l e r a
Em
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THE A WA KE NI N G OF E M
1 14
OR Y
tors and lett i ng a p e d e str i an escape every now and then
were somewh at d i f e r e nt i n t h e i r tastes and d e s i res from
t h e M arys and H anna h s Of some yea rs a g o who wore
the i r collars up t o their lower teeth and drove o l d Dob
b i n t o the s h ay at a pace that barely kept t h e walk i ng
public from runn i ng over th e m H e could n o t get he p
to the fact that a modern Cleopatra do i ng her e i ghteenth
h ole o n l i fe s green could n o t find a p i ec e o f h i s line i n her
boudo i r w i th a search wa rr ant and c o uld n o t s e e h erself
wanting a photograph album with a long distance tele
scope
,
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When E m dropped into Ca r v i n s o n M a i n street
where he used t o total h i s orders o n an add i ng machine
and sh i p the stuff by Red Ball the gentleman wi th the
marble t o p and the peroxide f ringe wh o looks after ex
changing the house s money fo r merchandise handed him
a cake O f i ce that would cool L ake M i chigan in August
M r E mory U nde r wood gracefully adjusted his cu ff s s o
that the E lks L od ge buttons would show swallowed a
lump about the size o f a two for a quarter grape fruit
that had crawled u p in his throat and sputtered some
t h i ng about the line being stronger than ever H e o f the
Auru m tresses and the smooth shiny dome who had been
in the game S ince long before the spit ball was d i s c o v
ered s o long in fact that he couldn t tell a moto r cycle
from a gira ffe unless he was look i ng across plate glass
said Yes strongest line I ever saw "g o t a wire cable
whipped to a whisper been trying to break a dozen for
over a year but there are still twelve of them o n the to p
S helf G e t a line the mob wants to buy if yo u are figuring
o n leaving any o f it he r e
we cut o u t keepsakes during
t h e S panish American war
G o t any gol d vanity boxes
with platinu m lids fo r F riday sales at fift y two eighty
nine ? H o w about some c i garette holders to reta i l f or
”
n i ne ninety ?
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framed up an awful come back fo r the guy O f the
wheaten pl u m age but forgot t o spill i t unt i l he g o t to
U n i on Stat i on where h e p oured it all over a red head
f o r O ffering to ca rr y his grips
As he traveled down the
road he continued to get refrigerat i on from the guys who
used t o hand h i m ord ers already s i gned and beg him to
make them o u t fo r whatever he said wa s right H e begun
t o rubber in the m i rro r he had to go o u t and s h y a rock
to s e e which wa s his right hand and pinched himself to
s e e if he were the same party who used to make the ter
r i t o ry
H e d ecided h i s liver was on the blink and swigged
all k i nds of hepatic ton i cs "it never having occurred t o
him that h i s l i ne was ab out a s live as a mummy having
been outlawed by society s keen ones right after the bat
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TH E A WA K E NI N G OF E M
1 16
OR Y
yourself Old head you are sl i pping "your line
f or the cemetery with a military funeral but yo u don t
have t o go w i t h it unless you want t o M y grandfather
was some speedy gazook when he hit the tra i l with a
l i ne Of hoop sk i rts and sp i nn i ng wheels but you have not
detected yours humbly trying to vend any Gr a mp u s
wo o den ware have yo u ? H ave yo u met anybody trying
to peddle plans for l o g school houses o r a s h hoppers w i th
wh i ch to buck the Potash Trust ? Don t k i d yourself s o
brutally because t i me passes the world moves and things
change O f course I must adm i t that you are o u t in t h e
rain with a straw when yo u are trying to st ri ng the
trade with a l i ne o f photograph albums but you look to
me l i ke yo u are strong enough to come in out Of it An
u p to the minute p i l l i s t would n o t buy photograph albums
from yo u o n a be t "he does not want a seance w i th the
lunacy board Shave O ff your mustache paste your ha i r
down the wr ong way and try a line that the nabobs are
willing to t r ade good money for A sticker and a staple
are just as similar as a canary bird and a buzzard The
fam i ly mug bo ok was a staple when the late M r Sher
man was touring G eorg i a as a pedestrian but i s a sticker
at the present moment Your line can t come back any
more than M r Sherman can ret r ace his steps and yo u
don t have t o come back because yo u have n o t gone any
where "get a half Nelson o n yourself and go on from
”
where yo u are
The wreck began to come around and dec i ded that the
wisest spec i men that i s loose in the world today i s the
chap who wears out h i s vest bend i ng over the marble
“
”
slab and ruins his voice yelling front who g i ves up a
m i lli o n dollars worth o f information every year o n wh i ch
there i s n o charge E m made a quick tri p around t o the
telegraph desk and tipped the house that he would be in
their employ fo r only two weeks more
“
G rab
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He
wa s seen a month later and the smile wa s work i ng
overtime h i s face was w i der than it had been long t o t
tering under sample cases Of real merchandise wi th buy
ers t r y i ng t o beat the war advance with prosperity leak
ing from every pore E mory was giv i ng a correct im i ta
tion Of a man with a mission o n earth
I N A N U T S H E LL : LO O K O V E R Y O U R L IN E
B E F O R E Y O U TA K E P O I S O N AND W H E N IN
D O UB T A S K T H E H O T E L C L E R K
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TH I NGS THAT CO ME I N
A DRU G S TORE
have always maintai ned th a t the unclassi fi e d
spec i mens that frequent a drug store p ut it all
over any aggregation O f freaks to be f ound o u t
side O f th e nuttery
If a druggist had the vocabulary
Of Alfre d H enry L ewis and the power O f descript i o n o f
Irvi n g Cobb there would be forthcoming some literature
th at would astonish the lay world
The phys i cian
thi nks h e is a student o f human nature an d does dabble
around the edge O f it "he is a good s p ort and does the
best he can w i th the small assortment of material he
has to work o n
You will hear ministers boast Of the
knowledge they have O f the p assing hum an strea m and
they are honest in the thought that they have seen e m
”
all when they have just made the side, show while th e
menagerie and the main tent they have never so much
as given the once over
A druggist t o meet the rabble
must have an automatic temperament a p oker f ac e and
the p atience o f J o b T h e doctor meets o n e class the
minister another class the p hotogra pher sees a class
“
”
the toddy tos se r in the bucket of blood glims a certain
element b ut he o f the p ills p astilles p russic acid pe r
f ume phonogra phs and phenacetine is the real trail
H e knows that General
cutter o n the huma n herd
Sherman had no right to monopoli ze the word in h i s
de finition O f war and excuses him on the grounds that
M ost o f the author s O f
he never owned a drug store
n a tural history would rent a mule an d have themselves
kicked by the hour at union scale i f they kne w what
passes the p ortals O f a p ill sho p every day Naturalists
have braved the wilds o f the tro pics fo r rare s p ecimens
O f whiskered bugs when the corner dru g store could have
saved them an ocean voyage and delivered more b ug s in
o n e day than they coul d corral in a year on the River
o f Doubt
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instanc e a h ighly de veloped s pe cimen o f nu t
”
culture is at once a pp arent in the youth ful masculine
specimen with a frog hair fringe on its u pp er li p p assion
ate hosiery a loud shirt noisy nec kwear and a canary
“
F or
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1 17
CO M E
THI N GS TH A T
1 18
IN A
D R UG
ST
ORE
bird mentality that takes up space around the telephone
that costs a d ollar a square foot hang i ng o n by the hour
l i sp i ng sweet frothy noth i ngs i nto th e ear o f M i ss
This spec i men i s just a s pl e as
G elsem i ne G i g g l e wo r s e
ing to the drugg i st as a fly w i t h St Vitus dance i s to
a man w i th a bald head
Li kewi se the sweet young
”
thing w i th Dolly Dimples stenc i led all over i t in letters
a foot long a hunk of chicle that would throttle a cow
and a ser i es Of g i ggles that leads o n e to bel i eve that
su i c i de i n certa i n cases i s to be commende d and e n
Th i s specimen i s harmless nevertheless a
c o u r ag e d
p est It wants a fl i vver s worth o f stamps out o f the
m i ddle of the sheet two orangewood st i cks and please
”
send them o u t
O ut is right her family occup i es a
”
section Of human sh e lv i ng i n t h e F o u r fl u s h apartments
o u t among the sunflow e rs
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There i s the conno i sseur o f c i gars wh o gets a sidehold
“
on the p late glass a n d unwinds a seven reeler o n H e r
H e looks l i ke
vanner fillers and Sm a t t ry wrappers
an exper i enced smoker ( o f hame ) and g i ves the drugg i st
to understand that he h a s all the manufacturers in the
country down o n the i r knees begging fo r c i gar informa
H e i s just as interest i ng as yesterday s paper and
tion
i s right at O l d Atlas s s i de in case he wants help
After
he has used up the druggist s time and pat i e nce he qu i et
l y l i ghts a c o b p i pe of the model o f 1 8 4 5 and struts o u t
o n the sidewalk to s e t at rest any uneas i ness anent i n
t e r n a t i o n a l a ff airs among the i nnocent bystanders w ho
have a large advanta g e Of the druggi st i n that they can
take either end Of the s treet a n d avoid t h e nausea
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There is proba b ly no unclass i fi e d specimen more
famil i ar t o veteran plate glass acrobats than the bottle
fed man child eighteen summers from the ma i tum lact i s
who has spotted himself as a traveler and i s sincere in
the bel i ef that he i s the ma i n shaft Of the commercial
H e is fresh from the high school hot
power house
house in Saint L ooey where he le f t O ff kn i ckerbockers
decimal fract i ons and cube root to put the d ru g g ame
w i se t o a st a mp machine that b i ds fair to r e volut i on i ze
the practice o f pharmacy o r a paper cl i p which if
M ethuselah had used would have saved enough t i me that
the world s Old man would have been livin g yet Th e
long suffering universal g oat l i sten s to the k i n d ergarten
prattle of the commerc i al trundle bedder and thinks h o w
much time and patience it would save the craft i f he
could slip twenty grains o f potassium cyan i de into its
H owever he da re n o t do i t a s th i s i s o n e
root beer
o f the penalt i es tha t he k n o ws he must pay fo r the n u
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S O ME S PECIALTY CROO KS
I H AV E KN OW N
P E A K IN G o f crooks ( and I bel i eve I have met
th em all unless a new model has been launched
s i nce I left my O ff ice to come here ) I have never
met a crook who was not a: s p ecialist Th i s is neces s ary
if the human cork screws are to succeed in gett i ng the
easy marks to come loose from the coin
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A sa f e blower is ignorant of the ru dimentary p rin
”
A classy jimmy artist may
c i pl e s of porch climb i ng
be able to unbutton the most obstinate time lo ck ever
set f or 9 O clock a m at
a m and yet know noth
ing of the p ossib i lities that attach to the use o f a bar
”
“
”
ivory and a bowl O f sou p The fli m flam ex p ert
Of
who sells Jason Jawsmith editor O f the Weekly T urni p
L eaf the city hall on the installment p lan on his first tri p
to the metropolis would b ungle a job O f check raising s o
badly that it would fail to get the veri est hic k b anker
even though his money barn were located so far out in
the sticks tha t he charges interest on f unds in transit
T hus it will be seen that each collector o f cuticle has a
little method all his o wn and is as ignorant as a new
b orn bab e o f all other modes O f getting to the sleeve with
the ace T a k e f or instance the boiler plate c o pys m i t h
whose ready to wear editorials are the greatest since H e
r o d o t u s le f t the city des k o f the E gyp tian E ve n i ng Pre
v a r i c at o r in Cairo some years ago may get the publish
ers seve n dollars and S ixty cents and his note for the
rest yet if he were sent out t o do gunless hold u p s with
a subscri ption graft he would p rove a melancholy fluke
and fail to q ualify for a meal ticket and a room k ey the
first week ou t
Th e f ascination o f studying the crooks who in f es t
print sho p s and publ i shing o ff ice s has caused the writer
to make a life study o f the ingenious daylight b urglar
who comes in the f ront way t akes the coin out o f your
hand in p re ference to working o u t the combination o f
your new M osler by flashlight We cannot hel p having
a sneaking respect f or the gentleman crook who d oes his
rob b ing with the consent and advic e o f the victim H e
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1 21
O
CROO KS
S ME
1 22
I HA
VE
KN
O WN
kn ows h i s line o f chocolate coated conversation w i ll get
the money and save h i m the chance o f wear i ng o u t a
classy kit o f burglar s to ols break i ng i nto an emp ty r e
The wo p Of the Waterman who tells yo u
fr i g e r a t o r
where t o s i gn w i ll get more o f your filthy lucre than the
rough neck who gets a slant o n your complexion t h rough
the s i ghts o f a Colt Automat i c S ome o f these chaps are
s o w i se they make S olomon s puny little accumulat i on Of
i nformat i on look a s sel d om a s an o l d ma i d at a M other s
Congress B etween the masked brute armed w i th a
pocket e d ition o f the latest in art i llery and the Yale
gra d uate armed w i t h a fountain pen and a sheet Of p i nk
paper I choose t o be held up by the former s i nce he w i ll
take only wh a t I have whereas the latter gets that and
ta k e s my note fo r whatever he th i nks my income w i ll
amount to fo r a few years t o come
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N o w,
gentlemen I hop e you properly appreciate
the treat I am giv i ng you today Th i s rare array Of i n
—
a
o
t
format i on w s n
given to me I bought i t I have
bulled the experience market from early ch i ldhood N o t
a s i ngle graft h a s crossed the M ason and D i xon l i ne that
I d i d n o t help pay fo r It m i ght i nterest yo u t o know
that I have bought a ch i cken farm and afterward f ound
that it wa s locat e d s i x miles seaward from l o w t i de in the
I have a collection o f gold br i ck that
Gul f Of M ex i co
makes the s e a wall o f this good c i ty pale w i th i n s i g n i fi
cance I hav e enough m i n i ng stock pr i nted o n parch
ment vellum to paper every room i n the G alvez H otel
These gl i nting gems Of experi ence have been withheld
from yo u because I have never been sure that the editor
o f a pill magaz i ne with h i s odor Of assafoetid a and his
jumbled vocabulary O f chemical nomenclature would b e
welcome among the angels Of the fourth estate yet to
day I feel at home among you s i nce Sa m H arben h a s as
sured me that the Texas Press Assoc i ation would stand
fo r anyth i ng up and including manslaughter
I f eel that
o
u
won t cast me from the temple a s a money ch a nger
y
“
”
and a n o n p r o fe s h a s long as yo u permit L ee Rountree
and Jim L owery t o associate w i th you because I have
consulted a musty volume from my compend i um o f
crooks and find that both o f them have sold l i ghtning
rods and I can but believe that peddling po t metal c ork
screws to f armers is almost as bad as spreading ed it orial
flower gardens extolling the curative powers O f phenyl
di methyl a S O pyr a zal i n
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As I wander in retr o spect through the fields of mem
ory and remin i scence there floats before my vision an ar
ray O f gra fters as numberless a s the sands of the sea but
,
O
CROOKS
S ME
1 24
I HA
KNO WN
VE
seance and breathed a great heart throb o f sympathy for
the p o or unfortunates o f my c raft who would have to
amble along through l i fe w i thout the E ncyclo pe dia Gi
u
i
in
sixty
vol
mes
I
b
reathed
a
sigh
of
relie
f
as
I
n
t
a
c
g
b u rned my John H enry into th e bottom l i ne o f a p ink
sheet o f ex p ens i ve p archment thank the L ord they were
to b e mine I was afraid h e wo u ld change his mi nd and
de c ide not to let me have the books I sat for hours
with both hands full of my face anticipating my s ky
rocket rise i n the world o f literature I could see my s el f
withering Boston with a loo k O f scorn thus ma king a
”
storm center o f Cu l c h aw loo k as coarse as a cam p O f
S ioux Indians who were just eating a m i ssiona ry
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I was so bewildered by the torrents O f convincing
conversation that I did not ask the price I later f ound
that sixty volumes at fifteen p er amounted to nine hun
dred Ameri can iron men I was given n inety sho rt days
to li q uidate the obligation or go to the courthouse I
am told that the crook has s i nce grown a beard and is
now peddling stock in the Remorse Co pp er M ines
which are located on the twenty second floor o f a Chi
cago skyscraper
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Now friends you will note I am to discuss some
all O f them A p a p er
O f th e crooks I have met not
covering all O f them if set in six p oint would look l i ke
a birthday edition o f the G alveston News
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next rare s p ecimen o f the crooks that I have
met that comes to my mind was almost an exac t p roto
ty p e o i Will H M ayes exce p t that he had whiskers like
G eneral G rant and the demeanor o f a sweet girl grad
H e opened his sess i on with me by unw i nding an
uate
oral film on bacteriology that would have done honor
to the s p irit O f Koch or Pasteur
Bacteriol o gy b eing
my so ft spot I soon detected that in the matter o f the
He
science o f bugs this chap was p resent and voting
had chased the microbes O f diphtheria rheumat i sm and
ty phoid f ever to their lairs and forced th em to confess
H e could call bacteria b y their first
the i r identity
names and had science stenciled all over him in thirty
two p oint type
Th e
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I fell for it and as usual wa s sorr y f or the pharma
c e u t i c a l editors who had n o t b een S O f ortunate as I in
meeting this giant o f scienti fic research
Among other
things he told me how he had s p ent his life in s c i e n
he was n o w
t i fi c invest i gation with the result that
coming be fore the world with a sovereign remedy that
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S
O M E CROO KS
KNO WN
VE
I HA
1 25
sent tuberculosis bacilli out O f the back window when
i t was brought in at the f ront door H e was a s p ec i al i st
i n the diseases o f men women and ch i ldren and h a d a
s tring o f degrees that looked like the chem i cal formula
and listened like the
o f a G erman headache p owder
titles o f a p r i ze cal f at a state fair H e assured me that
he was anxious to add his wonderf ul d i scovery t o the
list o f eth i cal preparat i ons to be f ound in the advert i s
”
H e had
ing columns o f the Great M oral M onthly
been talking science but was now talking sense
I
was tempted to c all the young man who pres i des over
my advertising department into the ed i torial rooms and
turn the man over to him but I revolted at the idea o f
leavi ng the great scientist to the mercy o f this cold
calculating comm e rcial i st who measures success wi th
no standard save the American dollar
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Just at this point I felt that in view O f what this
man had done for the therapeut i c progress o f the world
I really ought t o take his Copy and run it without
remuneration o r pay h i m something for the privilege
”
but he said no i n a trembl i ng voice such a s M argaret
Ill i ngton uses just before s h e shoots herself with a pistol
loaded with talcum powder avenging hersel f o n her
lover by exp i r i ng aga i nst a blue tree at the foot Of a
paper mountain H e sa i d I will shi p you enough o f
this precious discovery to pay fo r the space many times
”
over
I could clos e my eyes and s e e myself develop
ing the lungers camp into prize fighters
I would wi p e
tuberculosis from the map Of Texas and hereafter be
known among my fellows a s the chap wh o wh i psa wed
the white plague and put t h e Rockefeller Inst i tut i on o u t
o f a job
We ran the ad and the goods came but some
h o w t h e succ e ss I had contemplate d su d d e nly became
null and vo i d
I went t o a close fr i e nd in the retail
t rade and told him that if I were properly approach e d
I would sell him th i s wonderful r e m e dy at wholesale
pr i ce H e suppressed a sn i g ger that burst the sleeve
O f h i s silk sh i rt and sa i d We h a v e b e e n tryin g t o g ive
a wa v a d ollar bottle o f that sw i ll w i th each t e n ce n t
”
purch a s e and t h e v won t tak e i t
I finally sold it
to a g entl e man o f H e brew l i n e a g e wh o bu y s tombsto n es
o n wh i ch the proof r e aders hav e ov e rl o o ke d t h e sp e ll i n g
a n d who also d eal s in s econd h an d hab i l i ments
I s old
it t o h i m o n the installm e nt plan fo r which I rec e iv e d
o n e i nst a llm e nt a n d the plan
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I re member m y fir s t s i ttin g with a spec i m e n
i n v d e d m v bo u d o i r wi th a Pav p e r i n o u i r v frame
H i s p ol i c y and ru g g ed honest y resembled j u st
Well
wh o
up
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do
a
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S OM E
1 26
CROO KS
I HA
KNO WN
VE
like a snake resembles a stra i g ht edge
I sold h i m
nearly al l the sp a ce I h a d because o f a copywriter H e
who h a d turn e d o u t such fasc i nating ad copy that i t wa s
likely t h e S atur d ay E ven i ng Post would soo n g i v e S a m
Blyt h e s S pace t o h i m i n wh i ch t o make monkeys o f
K i pl i ng a n d Carlisle w i th spreads o f d eep stuff anent
a certa i n bran d o f rat po i son
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and time forb i d that I go further with spec i fi c
cases i n wh i ch the p urveyors o f pr i nter s i nk and h i s
money have h e ld a kiss i ng bee i n the presence o f the
gentleman crook to whose p resence the separat i on wa s
chargeable
I want to say however that Of all fl i m
flam art i sts wh o have trod the macadam s i nce the
farmers g o t w i se t o the shells the book agent has
all Of them n i ne m i les down the speedway w i th a bent
H i s game i s o n e in wh i ch you
axle and a dead engine
slough the filthy lucre w i th more system and less noise
than in any other in the world When yo u come o u t Of
the trance yo u f i nd that he h a s made your peace o f mind
as tranquil as a Juarez bull ri ng o n S unday even i ng and
you feel that y o u should seek o u t a g i lded palace o f sin
hang your left foot o n the rail your wish bone o n the
mahogany and fasten your system t o a continued in our
next number jap
You have proven to be such a fool
when you are sober that yo u feel l i ke staying pickled
to the eye brows fo r the rest o f your ink bespattered
career
S pace
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You may buck cotton f utures until yo u are black in
the f ace play party o f the second part in a game o f
heads I w i n ta i ls and you lose and S it up nights tempt
ing twenty dollar bank notes into the till o f the gentle
man o f the scream i n g neckwear a n d the no i sy vest but
you have not started in the direction o f the po or f arm
unt i l y o u have m e t the art i st wh o i s l e tt i n g a f e w s e lect
ed publishers have a complete s e t o f the de luxe ed i t i on
”
Of the E ncyclopedia G i g antica i n sixty volumes
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1 28
S
OM E
I MP
R E S SI O NS
OF TH E J
O URNE Y
I hastily consulted my better half who calmly r e
marked th at i f I would put o n some clothes it would
help some
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Another i mpression wh i ch comes ( back ) to me eve ry
time I get five hundred miles north o f D enison T exas
is that the Off i c i als Of the Pullman Company have about
as much to do with the goodness o r badness o f the s e r
v i ce as a pra i r i e dog has t o do with the government o f
The keystone and king p i n Of Pullman
M adagascar
comfort o r suffering i s the gentleman o f E thiop i an line
age wh o can make yo u exclaim w i th pleasure o r curse
w i th rage as suits his f ancy
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O n the fi rst lap o f the journey to San F rancisco the
service was calculated to put the e ff iciency expert in the
army Of the unemploy ed The coffe e colored lad wh o held
the comfort Of the car in the hollow o f his hand wa s a
”
real honest to goodness Nigger
bawn in New A w
”
”
leans who could s ay Ya s Sah Boss and make a
S outherner f eel l i ke h e does when the b and plays D i xi e
G eorge was as black as a cyclone cloud w i th a kinky
head l i ps like bologna sausage and mouth that could n o t
have been wider without moving h i s ears back to make
room H e could pat a pillow so i t would take all the i n
s o m n i a out o f your head and mix a mint j u lep that would
make the world look d ifferent "but we lost him in D e n
ver from whence he made his return tri p
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The second morning o u t I sli pped into the smokin g
room w i th the
to curl a brown paper nerve
sedative where I met D r F Ross C o ffman H ealth O f
fic e r O f the City o f D enver
and Professor Washburn
Dean Of the Pharmacy Department Of the Univers i ty o f
Colorado Both Of thes e gentlemen impressed me as be
ing men fo r whom no j o b in their respective l i nes would
be t oo big In the course O f o u r conversation Dr Coff
man pleade d gu i lty to once having been a pi l l r o l l e r I
arr i ved i n Denver about n i ne hour s late miss i ng my
train t o S alt L ake and I am under Obl i gat i ons to Dr
Co ff man fo r courtesies extended while getting things
straightened fo r a continuation Of the j ourney
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L eav i ng De nver I soon had my firs t view O f Royal
G orge
Th i s awf ul sca r in the phys i ognomy o f the
earth ma d e me nervous and I was i n favor o f w i ring the
railroad Off i c i als t h at it wa s my privat e Opin i on that o p
e r a t i o n s sho u l d b e stopped o n t h i s road
a s i t seemed
that the earth wa s c om i ng in two at this point and that
the two halves were just hang i ng by a thread M y i m
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S
OM E
R E S S I O NS
I MP
OF TH E J
O UR NE Y
1 29
press i on w i th i t wa s that i f it had a roof on it i t would
have hel d quite a b i t of corn Kansas farmers will do
well to investigate
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At T h i stle Junct i on an abbreviated mun i cipality
where the gri zzl i es poke fun at the Civic L eague and
timber wolves chase each other up and d o wn M ai n
street we spent n i ne hours n o t because we were s o
”
gosh bent o n seeing Th i stle Junct i on or intervi ew i ng
the po p u l a n c e o f that bailiwick that will never ruin Chi
cag o as a commercial center but rather because S ection
Number Si x o f tra i n Number Nineteen had fo r some
cause turne d o ff to the left and gone rig h t o u t in the
woods as a result o f which i t wa s scattered aroun d t h e
landscape S i x Pullman cars were calmly lying on their
sides across the track Nobody was seriously hurt we
were told by the natives who witnessed the crash There
was quite a s p rinkl i ng of A Ph A delegates among t h e
passengers who took an optical slant at Th i stle Junc
t i on It was the op i nion o f Prof Arledge o f O maha that
a civ i c mistake had been made in trying to fit a town o f
th i s size into a canyon b i g enough t o fit O maha H e
worried no little over the mun i cipal misfit unt i l he spied
a weed that he had n o t met before H e fusse d with the
weed unt i l the train started when he cut out botanizing
”
and invited us all to S to p o ff at O maha
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O n arriving at S alt L ake I ran i nt o a k i nd o f a mo
bi l i zat i o n o f all the A Ph A delegat e s from east o f the
Rocky M ounta i ns H ere I discovered my fell o w town s
man Dr E berle i n company with th e b i g ch i ef Of the
Cherokees from S t L ouis Dr Whelpley These two
mental g i ants were n o t worrying over the poss i bil i ty o f
mercurials o r the future o f serum therapy but at th i s
particular moment were draw i ng great slugs Of nervous
unrest from a rumor that the d i n i ng car wa s t o be cut o u t
Of the i r sect i on Of the train
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The next th i n g that engaged my attention was what
I took t o be a har d e n e d theatr i cal manager try i n g to
make up a Pink Cana ry Company o f choru s g i rl s o n the
street Th i s han d some chap certa i nly surrounded h i m
self w i th a covey Of theatrical poultry O n a closer i n
v e s t i g a t i o n I foun d that I was wrong a s it was Caswell
A M ayo Of New York talking t o a few friends
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About this t i me a daylight burglar Wm B Day
Of Ch i cago touched m e fo r a handful of s i lver fo r an
A Ph A badge wh ich I p i nned t o the le f t fork Of my
pulley bone and at once passed from the mutt divis i on
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O
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1 30
O NS
OF TH E J
O UR NE Y
and became a regular guy Up to this time most O f the
aggregation thought I wa s a tra i n robber o n a vacation
”
o r was
shov i ng the queer touting green goods o r ped
Afte r I fastened myself to the badg e
d l i n g gol d br i cks
they all seemed to take it fo r granted th a t I wa s per
f e c t l y eligible and as s quare a guy as ever jimmied a time
l o ck
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I was much impressed with the tabern acl e in S alt
L ake o n account o f i ts wonderful acoust i c properties
though I am glad it is located in S al t L ake instead o f
Dallas as I believe with its acoust i cs it wo ul d be i mpo s
s ible to slee p through a doctrin a l sermo n in it
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Crossing Salt L ake one O f the coaches t h reatened to
t o p ple over
The situation listened like a broken s p ring
but o n investigat i on it wa s f ound that Dr Anderson o f
B rooklyn and M r Godding of Boston were riding o n
t h e same side o f the car which made it ru n lopsided
Dr
Anderson moved to the other side which balanced it
a n d all was lovely
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We pass ed into the desert I can imagine no more
excruciating p urgatory than f or the lost soul t o be sent
to the desert to mourn throughout eternity in the lone
lin oss and dried up dust o f the American S ahara
S peaking o f lonel i ness th i s is the source O f the world s
sup p ly There is m o re of it here to the square inch than
any p lace I have ever seen It is simply hanging around
i n hunks
I f I were looking for loneliness I would never
p ass u p this country It i s characterized by a disgusting
sameness E ach new mile looks exactly like the last o n e
covered T here is not even a Blue Jay Corn Plaster sign
to b reak the eternal monotony An explorer o f virgin
territory and a con q ueror O f new worlds has about
reached the ideal spot when h e gets into a domain that
is s o far from the beaten p aths o f civilization that h e i s
beyond th e v i sion o f those Weary Willies o f the road
whose m i ss i on is promoting the sale O f the little cotton
rings that make your shoe s fi t and your feet ha p py I f
the late Christopher Columbus could have seen some O f
the country that has been distributed along the West
ern Pacific it would have taken a lot o f k i ck o u t O f his
report to the friendly Spanish S enora who s o aked her
sparklers and ankle watch in order that he mi ght tear
transportation o u t O f her book
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After leaving the desert we found that considerable
O f the route was underground through a well assort e d
flock o f tunnels O f vary in g len g th T unnel s are n o t O h
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1 32
O
R
S ME I M P E S S I
ON S
OF TH E J
O UR NE Y
a perfectly good penny expecting to get in return a p age
or t wo o f recently made h istory only to find that yo u
have been made a victim o f the heartless newspaper trust
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ACROSS THE CO UNTER
sir I am a drug clerk I have a p ure whi te
lamb sk i n the emblem of torture and the badge
Of a p i l l i s t that was g i ven me on graduat i on n i ght
for getting away w i th all the informat i on a t the knowl
edge works I have a clearanc e from the State Board
I made that bunch o f p oliticians l o ok like a covey O f O l d
maids at a moth er s congress when they began sounding
my noodle on scientific pharmacy Y es I can g i ve the
formula O f a compound cathart i c p ill and make anything
Warburg suggested without the book T incture o f I O
d i ne ? F ive hundred and ten grains to the p int and
don t forget the Ki unless you re look i ng for trouble with
the act Of June 3 0 t h nineteen hundred and six I was
rubbed into condit i on in o n e o f the oldest colleges Of
pharmacy in the U S A but was princ ip ally educated o n
th i s corner I have been do i ng time i n this human suf
fe t ing p arlor e i ght years the first day Of next month
What are my duties ? E veryth i ng from mo p ping the til
ing to making a trial balance from man handling a husky
coke sni ff er t o squar i ng the house with a mad customer
I am a kind O f main shaft around here I can always tell
where the b ox opener is and I can tell how much s u l p hur
there is in the basement without looki ng I do eve r y
thing from landing the b est trade to hunting the b os s
hat Yes sir I can fix a leaky car b ona tor without cuss
ing and remember all ab out the prescript i on M r s
T rou b le had fi lled last T hursday
I do what ever there is
to do All kinds O f p eo p le come in this store T h e mo b
that surges in here p ut it all over th e circus when it
comes to variety D o I study human nature ? Say
friend I am sorry f or the cha p wh o has a better line o n
”
“
the rabble th an yours truly
I have Sherlock H olmes
backed into a siding and screaming f or help when it
“
”
comes t o giving the po pul ace the Once over and calling
their numbers I don t thin k anyb ody o n earth or else
where has a better line o f O pti cal slant s across the pl ate
glass than I have though none O f us are a hundred per
cent efficient on the Sherlock H olmes stuff It don t r e
duce your batting average to pull a b onehead o cc asi on
ally but when you b at two flies to the same fi elder in
succession the mana ger kn ows tha t you hav e sand in
your gear b ox and it is time to take a brush at the cob
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RO S S
AC
1 34
C O UN TE R
TH E
web s When a large rotund lady f ro m Dollar down addi
”
tion with a terra c otta comp lex i o n an d f eatures that
loo k like they were mad at each other carrying a thirty
six inch fi sh net s ho pp ing bag c ontaining three mous e
tra p s a p ackage o f Cream Of Wheat and a carp et
S tretcher s i dles up to the p erfume case a knowledge O f
human nature is worth a thousand dollars a minute
Regulat i on methods o f attack are very uncerta i n with
th i s spec i men M y p r i vate system is to a pproach cau
A clerk should fix his face the same as when he
t i ou s ly
holds four aces H e should let a f aint smil e of r e c o g n i
t i on play over his features and make a kind O f a fo r
ward pass saying good morning M r s — E r and let his
voice s i mmer down into a k i nd o f a hap py p urr Thi s
makes the la d y th i nk that p oss i bly t h e clerk remembers
her a s the lea d ing lady i n an attack o f Presbyteri an
Vaudev i lle staged by fl o ck o u t o n Rural Avenue last
S ummer where s h e made G eral d in e F arrar look like a
crippled Coman che squaw and g o t away with a bouquet
o f sunflowers a s large a s a S hock Of wheat a s an i nter
preter o f the role o f Jul i et H aving progressed this f ar
toward getting her to decorate the cashier s desk i t is
time t o beg i n negot i at i ons loo king toward ascerta i n i ng
what s h e wants t o add t o the shopping bag Y o u m i ght
th i nk S he wa s i n quest o f corn plasters a package o f sage
but i t is a ten to o n e bet that s h e is look i ng for some
thing t o make her more beautiful a n d a i d i n be i ng i f p o s
s i ble a greater p et at t h e tea battles w i th soc i ety s d e v
ot o e s o u t o n the interurban The sales t alk must be
chocolate coa ted c onversation o f the h i ghest grade It
should beg i n something l i ke th i s
M r s — E r— e r
o
y u
have a beautiful skin and yo u should never tamper w i th
chea p face powders yo u are fortunate nature h a s been
k i nd t o yo u I know Prima Donnas wh o would give a
”
year s salary fo r your complexion
It i s then time to
slip her the little red bo x that is three dollars a throw
and s h e will brighten up and s a y : H ain t it a s i ght to
goodness how these here toilet things cost but I want
”
the best
At this p oint the situation ju s tifies saying
this wonderful powder is made in Ch i cago by a per fumer
who was chased o u t O f Paris fo r mak i ng the best face
powder in the F rench Cap i tal But do not think for a
moment that this i s a universal system When it comes
to lay i ng the tape o n human nature no two sp e cimens
measure the same E verybody in the store gets a di f
fe r e n t slant o n a stranger
F o r instance only the other
day a handsome well kept specimen Of the mascul i ne
gender steered himsel f against th e smoke department and
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RO S S
AC
1 36
TH E C
O UN TE R
wa s an info rmation bureau down in the U nion
S tat i on
.
T h e y ra i se d my salary and gave me an upholstered sna p
W i t h p u sh buttons
All I h a d to do was sit on a hig h
s t o ol f rom e i ght until six and tell the H icks which train
to climb o n to go to Pu n kv i ll e The j ob did not furnish
i
d
d
an
thrills
I
not
meet
anybody
that
appealed
me
t
o
y
I g o t sore at myself and felt like a loa f er work i ng eight
h ours a day
The lure o f the crowds the whir of the
f ans the cl i nk o f the glasses and the tang Of the Old game
were eternally call i ng me I dreamed Of capsul es and
powders and co p ied telephone p rescri p tions in my slee p
An i ndescr i bable longing was eating the heart out o f
me O ne day the boss told me that things were going
to the bow wows p retty fast around the store since I le ft
I almost hugged him as I said : M r S mith if yo u want
”
m e to come back all you have to d o i s say the word then
I thought he was going to embrace me a s he said : I
want you to come back and t o S how yo u that my heart
”
The
i s i n the right place I will ra i se your salary
p ro d igal wh o returned to his F ather s house d i d n o t have
anything o n me when I landed back i n my Old p lace so
far as being full O f joy was concerned DO I expect to
always be a drug clerk ? Not that you can discern
When I cleared for action here eight years ago I swore
barring sickness to p ut five hundred dollars a year in the
s avings bank and that is o n e rul e O f my life I have lived
u p to and the little account has grown f rom an humble
b eginning to nearly five thousand dollars and just be
t ween u s — not for the megaphone there is a little girl
hammering a ty p ewriter fo r the Reputable L i fe I n s u r
a nce Company down in the Anderson Building who has
two thousand dollars O n next New
s aved nearly
Y ear s morn we are coming in here to gether and lay
down seven th o usand fi ve hundred doll ars in cash and
hundred and ask M r
o u r note f or two thousand fi ve
S mith if he will take it and wal k o u t leaving the p lace
clear o f debt I f h e agree s to do it we will go to t h e mi n
ister around the corner and have him p ut us b oth o n the
s ame meal tic k e t
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GET THE HOOK
N the O ctober issue O f the O klahoma Pharmacists
Bulletin edited by Tom Roach o n e Of the wisest r e
ta i l druggists in the Southern S tates and managed by
Walter Jarrett who r i des her d o n the p i ll hustlers O f O k
lahoma we note that o n e Wm T G o ff takes an unk i nd
poke at drug store workers
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N ow
if T o m Roach had wri t t n the article in ques
t i on we m i ght stand hitched think i ng p ossibly T o m had
come down to the store on a br i ght Sunday morning and
found the soda fountain coils frozen a n d bursted w i th
nice carbonated water run ning out at the front door
two motorcycles in the shop and o n e messenger bo y in
M ake e r jump the L ee
t h e hospital from trying to
”
H uckins H otel
but this unwarranted p unch don t
listen l i ke a peeved p i l l i s t but has the ear marks Of a
holler from a swivel chair ph i losopher who seems to
know just about as much about a drug clerk as a union
plumber knows about tuning a baby grand
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If this jolt had come from the abbreviated p isto l
pocket penc i l o f Walter Jarrett we might stand for it on
the grounds that the grocery st o re cha p s down in
Washita country were trying to beat the board out o f the
permit fees or Walte r had left h i s F ord hal f way to E l
Reno with a bent axle and a dead eng i ne from trying to
d i tch a gravel wagon Any O f th e above p redicaments
m i ght move either o f these good natured f ellows to say
things about dru g clerks and when thus p eeved we could
forgive them right or wrong but when a chap from with
out the sacred realm thinks he can pour tobasco into the
bleeding scal p O f the dru g store hired man without get
ting his hand called his batting average in a guessing
contest would be next to noth i ng A part o f the G o ff
article rambles along as follows :
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Who knows why ? Just why average callers at
d rug store emporiums should be subjected to indi f ference
and near impertinence by clerks instea d o f interest and
courtesy is a tale yet to be told maybe Still I believe
the case may be help fully anal yzed In thei r p lace s
clerks are what they are very largely b ecause em p loyers
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1 37
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GE T TH E H
1 38
OOK
are but little if any better Both are f re q uently fro m
fifty to o n e hundred per cent ignorant O f the rules o f the
game T hey d o n o t understand the pr i nciples involved
in so serving the buying publ i c a s to accompl i sh the item
O f bus iness bui lding T h e idea ord i narily i s that the
way to p rogress is to mix the tobacco business with the
soft drink bus i ness and these with the calling o f the r e s
t a u r a n t e u r throwing the whole lot and as many other
things as poss i ble i nto the bag and fl au n t i n g it all be
—
fore the publ i c as a busines s Of chemistry a Drug S tore
and proceed to ladle it o u t while pound i ng the cash reg
Well that doesn t measure up with rig h t bus i ness
i ster
Business getting is only a prel i minary t o c o m
i deals
me r c i a l success F o r p ermanency busines s bu i lding
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m ust be one s ultimate goal The goal Of repeaters
making every buyer f eel like coming again and aga i n
N o w how many o f yo u ( understand that this publicat i on
i s semi pr i vate in character ) consciously work to that
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end ? Th i nk i t over and be honest about it
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The writer having run the gamut o f d ru g d o m f rom
mopp i ng the l i noleum to count i ng the coin is ready to
adm i t that there are some drug clerks wh o are just as
pleasant as a bone felon o n one s trigger finger who
look upon c ustomers as a necessary ev i l and th i nk that
they should apologize fo r being o n e arth The same
thing however may b e said o f grocery clerks or the
clerks in any other l i ne o f business
Just why average
callers at drug store emporiums should be treated w i th
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ind i ff erence and near impertinence will ever remain a
tale untold because they are not those treated by drug
clerks as a class as this article leaves o n e to infer
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F ollowing
this fling at the clerk s is o n e equally critical
o f the proprietors in which he says both are frequently
f rom fifty to o n e hundred p er cent ignorant o f t h e rules
of the game Wonderful wonderful — that M r Go ff i s s o
wise to the rules o f the game while the chaps who are in
it three hundred and sixty fiv e days i n the year should
be so ignorant Of it I t must be irksome to be so wise
thereby noting what f ools other people are T h e boiler
plate c o pys m i t h s O f the country are eternally harping o n
salesmanship and business bu i l d ing " we have known
some who could write a forty page thes i s o n salesman
sh i p who coul d not sell umbrellas in a Galveston storm
We have Often wondered why some of the long ha i red
wide spectacled bri gade don t build some business fo r
themselves They seem will i ng enough to exchange i n
fall i ble ru les fo r anything O f value
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S O M E RET AI L DRU G S TORE
E"PER I ENCES
story is n o t written because the crowned heads
across the p ond have demanded it I have not been
begged by every re t ail druggist f rom Powder River
to the Brazos to turn S tate s evidence o n myself in order
that others may go and do as I have done It i s not writ
ten with a view to showing others the royal road to
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f ortune I have not even had Numerous requests to
add my trac k record to the statistics of p harmaceutical
history In early youth my associates were princi p ally
cows though I can not remember when a drug store did
not appeal to me E ven as a half wild pra i rie urch i n
p erf ectly at home in the high grass but scared Of town
and town folks I would muster courage enough t o ven
ture up and peep in at the bewhiskered o l d apothecary
who a lways seemed busy mi xing ointments spreading
p lasters and maki ng pills The bug ke p t biting o n me
until my prowess with a b randing i ron and my ability
to cut a neat swallow fork j i nglebob o r underbit in a
calf s ears ceased to furnish any thrills I n o longer took
any p ride in sitting o n a bucket wh i le he pawed up an
acre o r two o f grass M y loss o f interest in the great
game in the cattle country wa s not i ceable a n d the oracle
of the outfit said S u t h i n s a i lin u v thet bo y si d es what s
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the matter w i th him "s u m t h i n s c atin o n h i m
O ne day
I asked the Old apothecary h o w t o g e t wise t o the game
H e said it wa s a long route with not h i ng at the end o f it
H e sa id the game wa s o n e in wh i ch i t took four aces t o
get a d i me I suspicioned that the o l d pra i r i e d o g wa s
bluffing and did n o t want anybo d y t o know h o w to make
pills I hit h i m fo r a j o b ( n o w c alled a pos i tion ) and
at the e n d o f the negotiations I wa s put o n the payroll
and g o t my four dollars just as regular as S aturday n i ght
came aro und It wa s here that I cl i mbe d O ff Of a pony
learned to wear a collar and handle my feed w i th a fork
The Old gentleman had qu i te a l i ttle laboratory a s h i s
store wa s fifty miles from the railroad
HI S
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the first few weeks I wa s busy trying t o han d l e
my feet a n d hands I sp i ll e d everything that wo u ld sp i ll
and everyth i ng I touched turned over I fell throu g h
F or
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1 41
1 42
S
OM E
D R UG
OR E
E "PE
ST
R IE NCE S
the p late glass front while a pp lying the chamois into a
win d ow d i splay Of holiday china I pounded cork in an
iron mortar smelled the ammo n ia and did all those
th i ngs that go i n the freshmen end o f an apprenticeshi p
When I started to wa i t o n a lady I invariably f ell down
over someth i ng o r tried to sell her a bunion pad when
M y greatest trouble
s h e asked to see the teething rings
and most grilling task was trying to look the part Cus
t o m e r s sidled O ff from me and seemed to think I was a
low brow that had been called in to move some O f the
f urniture never dreaming that the o l d man would allow
such a hick to stick around all through business hours
M y packages looked l i ke large badly made tamales and
many O f them leaked Su ch art i cles as tooth brushes pe n
sta ff s and p aper weights I almost lost hope O f ever be
ing referred to as a pharmacist the first t i me I tri ed to
wrap o n e o f those long handled hand m i rrors that the
ladies u s e when taking a slant at the buttons b etween
their shoulders I used nearly a roll Of wra p ping p a p er
and when it was a finished package most casual O b s e rv
ers not thoroughly conversant with my system o f wra p
ping would have taken it f or a peck of turnips or a
bundle of fruit trees In due time I was led into the small
cranny known as the Office and shown the books
Th e
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b ooks c onsisted o f a d i scouraged looking copy of Rem
i n g t o n s Practice o f Pharmacy that was in fatigue uni
f orm having lost its covers a copy O f the United S tates
Dispensatory several volumes O f various works ranging
in importance from Peck s Bad Boy to F ar a d y s Prin
c i p l e s O f Physics
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I s hall never forget o n e calm Sunday morn ing wh ich
is a p art o f my career as p ill heaver to the million A fter
I had had several mon t hs experience and co u ld turn O ff
the lights and walk around the store without breaking
the furniture I was le ft in complete charge O f the p lant
on a S unday morning O n this p a r t i c l a r S unday morn
ing I was bustling aroun d chesty and sel f important a c
c e p t i n g willing half o f the responsibil i ty Of Atlas job and
wondering what would become o f the world if it were
not fo r me As I swaggered before a full length mirror
admiring a complete array o f happy raiment which i n
clude d a tie after the manner and color Of Joseph s fa
mous coat that was calculated t o wake people fo r severa l
blocks aroun d there crossed the threshold of the em
—
a
m
i
an
antiquated
chunk
f
human
driftwood
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S liver o f human debris commonly known in pill vern ac
ular as a dust head or coke sni ffer H e was one o f those
noble animated wr e c k s a s h ambl i n g m a g n i fi c en t ruin and
the B eau B rummel o f a thousand snow parties H e loo k
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S
1 44
OM E D R U G
ORE
E "PE
ST
R I E N CE S
my hair showed n o signs o f the e ff ect o f the military
brushes that h a d been worke d over t i me o n it for weeks
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sa i d : Don t get chesty with an Old t i mer I was
acting in self defense "yo u were trying to murder me
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I have to have the flakes to live
I trembl i ngly hande d
him a new ounce v i al— a n unbroken package fresh from
the manufacturers H e pried the cork poure d o u t a
palm full o f the life giving alkalo i d and w i th o n e long
heavenly inhalation it disappeared up into h i s nostr i ls
H e at once became happy and was profuse in h i s thanks
for my kindness and promised to hand me the pri ce i n
a day o r two H e walked with q uick firm step o u t
through the back room and I breathed a sigh o f r e l i ef
that he was gone and the experience over "but n o t s o
fast the experi ence was not over An hour o r two l a t e r
I had occas i on to go to the back room where I foun d my
friend sprawled on a couch and f rom a l l outwar d a p
n
a
e
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e
s
a
H
dead
a
mackerel
ere I could see mys e lf
s
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m ak i ng a last talk from the sca ff old b e fore the black cap
was drawn and the trigger s p rung Convicted o f mur
der o n circ umstantial evidence I flew to the telep h o n e
called doctor after doctor only to b e told that they w e r e
o u t o f town making calls in the country
I su ff e r e d
all the tortures O f a murderer This was a fine th i stl e
to grow up right at the beg i nning Of my pathway a s a
pharmacist and made me wish I was astride a cay u s e
and s o far o u t in the grass that it would take two do l l a r s
to send me a postal card I contemplated the town t a l k
that the O l d long legged kid down at Terrell s d rug
store had p oisoned a man There rang i n my ear s s u c h
remarks a s That ignorant hick ough t t o be h e r d i ng
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sheep instead Of tampering with poison
I coul d s e e t h e
business ru i ned because o f my rash act and my j o b fad
ing like a pay tra i n from the view o f a tramp I finally
connected w i th o n e Of the physicians wh o wa s ten m i l e s
in the country and told h i m to come at once a s a m an
was dying i n the store Taking me at my word he w o re
his wh i p t o a frazzle and d rove his team almost t o d e a t h
And never will I forget the express i on that cam e to h i s
face a s he g o t a slant o n the supposedly d ying man H e
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turne d t o me and sa i d : O f course if yo u d i d n o t know
any better i t is all right "but i f yo u think this i s a joke
then I d i ff er with yo u t o the extent that I w i ll dust o u t
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the place w i th yo u
H owever he could tell from my
scared look and the unstableness Of my knees that I wa s
in dead earnest and d i d n o t p rocee d w i th hostilities
S inc e that day I have met many O f the devotees Of the
fl a k e y drug in the various stages o f the i r process O f u n
Amon g the i r number were m e n and women from
d oin g
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O
S ME
D R UG
ORE
ST
E "PE
RI E NCES
1 45
very wal k O f li f e I have listened t o their s t orie s when
I had time shooe d them o u t o f the store when I did not
an d always ke p t a go o d natured c lu b c onvenient in ca s e
O f emergency
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THE
1 48
DR U GGI S T
RO UBLE S
AN D HI S T
til e H e leave s a good j o b wher e he o n ly h as t o wor k i n
d aytime for o n e i n which he i s allowed t o slee p a littl e
whil e o n the f ar end o f each night a n d one in which he i s
ex p ecte d to give t e n cen t s worth o f mercha ndi s e a n d
nine t y c en ts wo rth o f s ervice fo r a dim e When Alex
a nder the G reat went do wn to the edge o f the s ea an d
we p t h i s r e d ba nd ana full of b ri n ies a s big as base b al l s
for more world s to con q uer we b elieve he overloo k ed a
b et—h e would h ave been b us y yet if he had dried u p h i s
tears an d started a d rug s t ore
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I cannot remember any troub le that came my way
be fore I climbed O ff a cow p ony learned to wear a collar
and roll compound cathartic p ills O ut in the high gra ss
c ountry thirty fiv e miles f rom the railroad I est ab l i shed
my fi rs t trou b le incubator su pp osing that Americ an
Pharmacy would rear u p o n its hind f eet and rejoice
t h at I had entered its ranks "I wanted eve ry b ody to loo k
at me and b e ha pp y I f elt that I would b e as k ed to
O K the next issue o f the U S P an d t h at t h e Nati onal
bodies would c on s ult me about every move t h e y made
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I wa s c onsul ted b ut n ot b y t h e National b odies
Among my fi rst consultations was o n e with a ch a p wh o
wa s lugging an order b oo k and a f ountain pe n b ecause he
did n o t h ave nerv e enough to crac k a sa fe o r rob a train
T hi s youngster was
an d wa s t o o f at to climb porches
in s u lated in ab out f our hun dred dollars worth O f glad
rag s that fi tt ed with a b lue steel shiner in his shirt f ront
a b out the size o f a p a p er shell p ecan tha t loo k ed like the
headlight on the mogul H e swam into my b usines s bo u
d o i r abou t
p m When I got an o p ti cal s la nt
I
o n this human con f ection I was dizzy and trembling
was sure that he was a f or eign di plomat who h ad
dro p ped O ff the Deadwood Stage to consult me a b out t h e
coming meeting o f the Op ium Conf erence at t h e H a g u e
“
I flo u n d e r e d and gurgled and fi n ally said Goo d mo rn
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ing
A fter he had p layed his fi rst record with a fib er
n eedle I became aware that he was G rand Potentate of
the Con fi dence Per fume Com p an y L imited O f L ondo n
Paris and New Yor k D etroit and Squ e e d u n k H e wa s
traveling over the country on a mission o f huma n i t y t ry
ing to free the retail druggists O f the U S A from t h e
galling c hains of the perfumery trust It was p lainl y
vi sible that a drug store could not live lon g without thi s
line and then there was a solid mahogany S how case fr e e
with the initial order Under the s pe ll o f a line o f choc
olate c overed conversatio n that had the o l d time bo o k
agent down in the dust begging f or mercy I f elt mys elf
sli p ping It was a f eeling such a s yo u have while the
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D R UGGI S T
THE
RO UBLES
AN D HI S T
wh i t e c l a d nurse is drop p ing the last dro p s
1 49
ether into
you r s nout just b efore the eminent spec i alist in the dis
e ase o f men women and children begins taking yo u to
p ieces to see how you are p ut together
Of
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Although my business was princi p ally selling st ock
f ood and prairie dog p oison he showed me where to
I burned my John H enry into the bottom line o f
s ign
the p ink sh e et f ul ly satisfied that I would s oon b e ab l e
to take over the hold i ngs O f both L iggett and the O wl
Drug Com pany A duplicate wa s n o t necessary when
doing business with the main breeze o f the Confidence
Perf um e Com p any When the invoice came I was sur
p rised kn owing f ull well that I had n o t drank anything
but water fo r weeks and this invoice due at once looked
like th e bill for the O p ening stock o f a wholesale house
It amounted to four hundred six dollars and f orty t wo
cents I a fterwards learned that the six dollars and forty
two c ents were to p ay f or the goods T h e mahogany
show case was made o f p ine and the p late glass was the
kind used b y farmers in tenant houses and the goods
looked like the p il e o f toilet junk you see in the wi ndows
O f Ikey Wi s e n s t e i n s kike store down on the bank o f the
river at the foot o f T ough S treet It was a fi ne line o f
I o p en
s tuff—you could do anything with it but sell it
e d a bottle o f S arah H arden Perf ume and the O ld f amiliar
b reath o f wood alcohol s t ole through like the O dor O f a
ma d wasp T h e f ac e cream seemed t o b e p rinci pally o f
p laster o f p aris—a lady using it woul d have to kee p a
cold chisel o n her dressin g table with which to g e t it o u t
Of the jar O n e day I wa s feeling generous in s p ite o f
my trou b le s an d when a cou pl e o f good lady cu s tomer s
I gave each o f them a b o t tle O f that s u p er b
ca me in
Joan O f Arc T oil et Wa t er and they were both pro fuse in
H o wever e a ch o f them
t h eir p rai s e o f my g e nerosity
p hone d the n e xt d a y t o s ay that i f giving them these
fan cy b ottle s o f o n i on j u ic e was a jo k e it was a rough
o n e b ut was al l r igh t
H owever i f I though they us ed
s uch vi l e s t u ff they would n ever come in my s tore again
a n d woul d s end to H o n o l ul u f or f ace p owder be f ore they
would b uy it fro m me
It mat t er s n ot how man y trouble s you have had yo u
a re n o t even a good s t udent o f trouble until you have a
t e n years p ost gradua te co u rse in a human su ff e ring p ar
l o r meetin g the millions and c atering to their want s
T heir wants reach from a teet hing ring f or t h e b aby to
crutch tips for grand fa ther A druggist is aske d to do
everythi n g from the turkey trot to murder in the fi rs t
degree I f th ey are a f raid to as k the chie f o f p olice and
ashamed to as k the mi nist er they as k the d ruggist H e
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THE
150
D R UGGI S T
RO UBL E S
A N D HI S T
is su pp osed to know everything from when their train
leaves for Pu n kvi l l e to the tax rate in Y o ka h o ma
.
all the troubles o f the cra f t o f p harmacy
are n o t heaped upon it by others M any O f the troubles
that c ome upon druggists are of the i r own mak i ng
There i s and alway s has b een a lac k O f c o o p eration
among the kn i ghts o f the mortar and pestle It seems
that they pre f er to be hung se p arately than hang together
I believe that the man who keep s the drug bus i ne s s from
be i ng ideal who makes it a li f e O f sl avery is nobody but
the dru ggist by himsel f
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Back in bygone years when I broke into the game the
S tate assoc i at i ons were in their infancy and as I look
around over the same associations today I find that they
are still tugging at the nursing bottle though they are
Old enough to vote Understand I am n o t trying to heap
abuse upon the other f ellow "I am merely trying to del i u
e a t e truthfully the status Of the most wonderful a g g r e
i
o
a
t
n
Of
p
i
kers
be
found
n
earth
r
elsewhere
Of
o
t
o
o
g
wh i ch I consider myself E xhib i t A and entitled t o t h e
grand prize Of the mutt division
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We drugg i sts seem to u s e o u r heads merely t o keep
We can t seem to soak
o u r collars from slipping O fl
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up the intell i gence that i n un i on there i s strength "
the philosophy O f the bundle o f st i cks goes far above o u r
heads We fail t o profit by the example o f the horse
shoers un i on o r the S lop H aulers G uild
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An uneducated mass o f men threatened t o tie up every
railroad train in the United States if they were not given
an e i ght hour day T hey g o t the e i gh t —hour day o n a
silver platter with a blue ribbon around it Don t think
for a moment that I endorse this I merely O ff er i t as an
example Of what the educated body Of men that compose
pharmacy o f th i s country could do i f only they all stood
together fo r the good of the common cause The drug
”
gist s dry a s dust slogan i s I don t have t i me
Drug
gists have repeated this sentence unt i l they bel i eve i t
themselves Did yo u know that the girl and babies are
going to gather round somet i me wh i le the d o ctor looks
at you grimly and says There s noth i ng t o d o O l d fel
low but go You have h i t the ball t o o hard a n d yo u are
”
a worn out machine
Then yo u will have t i me A
little t i me fo r c o O perat i on and a few days fo r your State
association will cut down your troubles and i t won t
break y o u If it w i ll then you are broke any way This
i s the way t o get r i d Of some Of the troubles that beset
us
A blot o n the escutcheon o f o u r honora ble calling is
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DR U GGI S T
THE
1 52
RO UBLE S
AN D HI S T
drug that nob ody knows b ut you I f yo u s hould do thi s
o
u
owe
it
to
yoursel
f
and
your
f
ellows
to
donate
th
i
s
y
d i scovery to them in the hope that it may lessen thei r
troubles You may have discovered a bette r process for
m aking solution o f ma g ne s ium citrate than can b e f o u n d
in the books Pro b a b ly yo u kn ow all a bo ut t h e c are
O f cigars and can ma k e a Pitts b urg s t ogy taste like p u re
H avana by p ro p er moisture and tem p erature I f so give
your information t o the c learing house f or the elimi n a
tion of drug store trouble s
.
.
.
,
.
,
-
.
When a c ommercia l p orch clim b er with a gri p fu ll O f
p hony sam p les comes into your p lace and sells yo u a
F r an k e n h e i me r s thera p eutic hair p in s
c a r load o f Dr
gu aran teed to cure every disease f rom p i p to pe t ro mo rt i s
with a p iano free you should go to your State Associa
t ion take thirty grains o f po tassium bromide and tell the
b un ch all about it with a vi ew to kee p ing the others fro m
having t h e s am e trou b le
’
.
,
,
,
.
It has b een s aid that the Irish r ul e in every country o n
e arth except Ireland
Sometimes I think the drug g i s t
l oo k s a f ter every b ody s interests but his own "he i s good
but himsel f Instead o f lo c king t h e
to
e very bo dy
t r ou b les in his o wn heart he should tell others o f his o wn
I s p ent fifteen years in the b u s iness and
c ra f t and kind
al l th at time I wa s wondering why tincture o f iodi n e
was s o hard t o g e t in to a b ottle O ne day a little f ellow
wh o own ed a drug s t ore s o f ar o u t in the coun t ry t hat
t h e o wls po k ed fu n at the town c ouncil in a to wn o f s e v
e n t y fiv e p eo p l e i f t hey h a d al l b een at home told me to
moi s ten the li p s o f bo t h bo tt le s an d I woul d h a ve n o
t r ou b le
.
’
.
,
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,
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,
-
,
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I have s p o k en o f s o me o f t h e troub le s of t h e d ru g
b u s iness a n d there are millio ns more th an I h ave n ot
m entioned bu t with al l her fau l t s I love her s til l I wi l l
n ever live to see the day wh en t h e f um e s of c arb on d i s ul
l
n o t cast a s p el l over m e
assa
f
oetida
and
a
ol
ill
h
i
d
s
w
e
p
a n d carry me b ac k t o the trou b le s ome d ay s O f p ill m a s s
a n d the s ix teen hour day t h at I
u r oth e l su ppo s itorie s
u s ed to s tay o n the j o b
An E nglish man a Sc otchman and a G erman are s a i d
t o have been tal k in g whe n t h e s u b j ect O f na tionalitie s wa s
“
b rought u p T h e E nglishm an said D on t you know
though i f I was n ot
O l d t o p I am gla d I am H e n g l i s h
”
T hey
a n H e n g l i s h ma n I woul d l ike to b e an Irishman
if you were not an Irishm an whot would yo u
as ked Pat
“
b e Pat sa id : F aith ”i f O i wu z n ot an Irishman I wou l d
b e a s hamed o f meseli and tod ay i f I w ere n o t a d ru g
,
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THE
DR U GGI S T
AND HI S TRO UBLE S
b
a sh ame d o f mys e l f
i
I
d
o
u
l
e
w
t
s
g
c alling on Go d s e art h t h an t h e o n e
.
’
e
d
An
a
d
r
s
s
(
c eu t i c al A ss o c i at i o n )
.
T h e re i s
o
y u
k
no n
153
o bler
n
t
e
m
n
e
l
e
g
ar e
t h e O l ah o ma Ph arma
THE B US I NE S S
156
k
fini
NE E DS
PHARMA C Y
OF
young man as a ma tr i c u l at e i n ph ar
H e s i ze s h i m u p f ro m e ve ry
s hing s ch ool
ma cy s
a n d with fi g u r e s tha t d o n o t l i e
s how s h i s r e al
an g l e
worth t o a mode rn p il l e m po rium i s le s s than the youn g
ma n co u ld live o n T h e e du c atio n o f a p harmacist ma y
lear ning that h as t o i t s
s tart in a no b le i nsti t u tio n o f
c redit nearly a h u ndred years o f u s e f u ln e s s bu t until the
curri c ulum is ch an ged it mu st have its fi nish i n a hum an
s u ff ering p arlor where the dollar is a p art O f the goa l
H e l oo
’
on
s
th e
.
,
,
.
,
,
.
pharmacy school s O f the co u n t ry do not meri t all
the b lame o f the existing b usines s n eed s o f p h armacy A
p art o f this b lame may b e p laced at the door s o f t h e jour
n al i s t s O f the craft who have evaded co mmercial p har
macy with a reticence akin t o s ilence T h e editorial
p ages O f o u r greatest p ublications are p rone to discus s
elaborate l y everything that p ertain s t o ph armacy ex
c e pt i n g that o n e thin g that i s s o need f ul i f we are t o s t ay
in the gam e—p rovidi ng f or the g irl an d t h e b a b ie s an d
t
t
c
d
arner
a
f
ew
shekels
f
or
the
rainy
day
Con
ribu
ing
g
i t ors f rom the ranks send h an d e m b ellished ort hog r a p h
ical dreams about how t o p ac k a p ercolator when really
t h e howling need o f th e cra f t i s a thesis on how to melt
the b earings o u t o f a cash register T h e f o rmul a p age i s
ma king eve ryth ing but a dollar
r i f e with methods fo r
We s e e m s o fa s c inate d wi th th e wor k t hat we f o r g e t t h e
wa g e
Th e
.
.
,
.
-
.
.
.
ful p o p i t or h v come t l ook
ollege
t
aduate
b
ein
a
m
a
p
ble
b
ing
duc
ted
f
a
g
g
degree t h t he will fi n lly b a b le to te
tor lear
f t h b reaker to u ce
ollege have ent
S f ar t h
k f t a h ing
u f inished p r d u t
d g iv
th t
t hem t h b usine
f p h rm y
T h wri t
do
ot wi h to b e m i u der too d b y
h vi n g
h
i
f
er
t
at w d
hi g h
t b eliev i
th
y
t t
dard f p o f es i
l ph m cy W woul d t
f
t h worl d lower t h pl n
ienti f i p harma y
f
Su cc es s
r
r e
r
n c
as
e
us
n
o
e
a
or
er
an
ss
es
one
s an
a
ac
n
er a s
s on a
e
a
e o
as
e
e c
s
o
e
c
.
s
r
o a
s
e c
en u s
e
e
i le
,
a
e
s
O
.
n
s o
e
o
e
c s an
ss o
e
es
c
s
s
on a c
o
a
a
a
o
a e
s
s
o no
ar
sc
n
e
a
s
n
e
e
.
c
no
c
,
on e
inc e s e ve nt y five p e r c ent o f t h e
j
b u si ne s s o f a modern dru g s tore co me s from i n front of
t h e p r e s c ri p tion pa rtiti on the busin e s s n eeds O f p ha r
ma cy are at l east a s im p o rt an t as t h e s c ient i f ic o r p ro
fes s i o n al needs though they h a ve n ever b een recogn i zed
a s s uch
A kn owledge o f t h e b usines s e n d of pharmacy
do es n o t detr act f rom th e p ro fessional ab ility o f a p h ar
macist B ecau se a man i s a b le t o call th e al kaloids b y t heir
c hemical initials and is versed in the technical p ro c ess
o f ph armacy
should in n o way hinder him f rom b eing
thoroughly conversant with th e legitimate dollar g et tin g
ot or
t tt
Bu t
.
-
s
,
,
.
.
,
THE B USIN
m eth o ds
ESS
N E EDS OF PHA R
MAC Y
1 57
modern b usi n ess T h e m an wh o is t o come
u p to the s tand a rd of t h e p harmacy o f today s ho u l d be
ab l e to make a trial bala nc e a nd a u ri n e analysi s with
equ a l deftness Hi s inability to d o so s hows th at h e i s
o n ly h a lf equ i pp ed S ome o f t h e be s t pharma c ists o f th i s
c o untry a rg u e tha t t h e b u sine s s o r c o mmerc i al e n d o f
p h a rmacy c an no t be ta u ght s uc c e s sful ly i n th e scho o l s
whic h we think is a n erro r because not so many year s
a g o many o f the p ro p r i etors were prej u diced against t h e
co llege ma n i n favor o f the man who got ev e n his tech
n i c al know l edge o f p h a rma c y i n a dru g store
We h a ve
a ll seen thi s theory smashed i nto s mithereens We
kn o w that so far as the scie nt i fi c side o f p harmacy is c o n
c ern ed th e co ll ege men o f t od ay are well n igh faul tl e s s
O u r State B o ards meet men wh o a re w onder s o f sc ie ntifi c
kno wl e dge I f t h e gre a t te ac hers ar e ab l e to g rad ua t e
men who b o rder o n scie ntific p er fect i on we k n ow t ha t
me n m a y be f oun d wh o c an te a c h b us i n e ss
of
.
.
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,
,
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-
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,
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O nc e t h e h ig h est p ri c ed man o n the p a y ro ll o f t h e grea t
fac t o ries wa s t h e c he mi s t who worked a n d lo ve d into e x
i s t e n c e the p r oc es s by w h ic h t h e p ro d uc t s were made
This is not s o today T h e wi zard who s et s h is o wn sa l
a ry t h e ma n w h o i s o f gre a te s t im p o rt a n c e a n d wh o is
—
s
worth whatever he c o t s is no t th e c h emist h e i s t h e
ma n who is doing fo r t h e g reat m a n u fac turing p la n t s
what somebody s h o ul d d o f o r pha rm a cy H e i s the effi
c i e n c y e xpe rt wh o conserve s the co m p an y s interests by
husbanding it s do l l ars and te a chi n g it s e mpl oye s b us i
n es s
.
,
.
’
.
Th e n eed s o f pharm a c y a re no t c onfined t o a thorou gh
kn owledge o f i t as a scie nc e T hat p a r t has bee n we l l
cared for A p harm a cist who is unab l e to g o furt h er than
t h e p re p arat i o n a n d dis p ensing o f medi c i nal products c an
pla y but a s ma ll p art in what we are p l eased to d e n o mi
n ate pharmacy t o day
A ve ry smal l p e rcentage o f t h e
d ru g s tore s i n Ameri c a ca n be d i vided i n t o dep a rtme nt s
i n wh ic h the w orker i s re qu i red to do o nly t h e w o rk of
h is dep artme nt T he idea l pharmacist is th e m an wh o
can do wh atever th ere is to do We do n ot be l ieve that
sc ie n tific ach ievement has b een chea p ened be c a us e ou r
a
oun
g
p
ha
rm
cists h ave no t bee n equi p ped t o meet t h e
y
b us i n e s s n eed s o f pha rm ac y The vocati on o f a phar
ma c i s t i s tw e n ty fiv e p e r cent a busi n e s s
So m e o f us
a re loa t h t o a dmit t h i s bu t it is t ru e j u st t h e s a m e
T o eq ui p a man fo r t h e s c ienti f i c e n d o f ph a rmac y
alone is very m uch like tea ch in g a p hys icia n anatomy
and send ing h im ou t in t o th e wo rl d as a g e ne ral p rac
.
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TH E B USI N E S S N E E DS OF PHA R
158
MA C Y
H e can not succeed H e i s not a master o f h is
craft H e i s only part i ally equi pped for the work that i s
demanded o f h i m A pharmac i s t sho u l d be able t o c o n
duct a pharmacy When he i s g i ven a diploma he is a
fin i shed product and should meet every deman d o f his
call i ng When a graduate o f the eng i neer i ng de part
men t rece i ves the O K o f t h e faculty he i s ready to d i g
a tu nn el construct a skyscraper o r b u i ld a ra i lroad
When a student finishes the sc hoo l o f law he i s able
t o take care o f h i mself and his cl i ent in any court in the
land but when James Brown Ph
w i nner o f the hon
i s p laced
o r s o f the graduat i ng class of n i neteen fif t een
in charge o f a busy store o n M a i n Street and t old to m ake
an i nventory and render a sworn statement t o B rads t reet
o f th e exact financ i al cond i t i on o f the bus i ness he feels
l i ke ma i l i ng t he sheep sk i n back to the facul t y w i th a
request t o please cancel the h onors H e is up aga i nst the
task o f adm i tt i ng h i s gross i ne ff i c i ency H e must tel l
h i s employer t hat he can t do i t H e must make a con
f e s s i o n that is the most hum i l i at i ng o n e that a n y crafts
man ever had to make H e must s a y I don t know
”
h ow
H e must acknowledge that the j ob i s too b i g fo r
him Th i s i s enough to k i ll p rogress and crush every b i t
o f punch and fight i ng sp i r i t o u t of h i m I s i t any won
der that the pathway o f American pharmacy is th i ckly
strewn wi t h financial wrecks ? Ca n yo u marvel at the
fact that a large per cent o f the drug stores o f t h i s coun
try are i nsolvent and don t know i t ? There are stores
th at have been op erated fo r years that have never been
so l vent T here has been no t i me since their es t abl i sh
ment that they could have been so l d for enough money
to l i qu i date the i r debts yet the propr i etor th i nks he i s
gett i n g al ong fa i rl y wel l and has never dreamed that h e
has been broke fo r years S ome drugg i sts at the end o f
each year wonder why they have n o money t o show fo r
a year o f hard work but they do n o t kn ow how to fi nd
O ur educators and the pharmaceut i cal press are t o o
ou t
prone t o stand aloof from simple commonplace bus i ness
T o o man y o f us delight to delve i n t o science and d i scuss
the rare products that mean l i tt l e o r nothing to t he
drugg i st W e are servants o f the craft and t o s a y t h at
s o far we h ave served i t poorly i s put t ing i t m i ldly We
do no t mean by th i s that i t i s poss i ble to make a fin an
We do
c i al success o f every man that enters t he game
n o t expect t he craft to g e t in the cla s s o f the steel trust
bu t we d o th i nk t hat a full fledged pharmacist should be
able to c onduc t t he average d r ug store w i thout hanging
o u t a d i stress s i g na l when a bus i ness problem comes up
fo r cons i derat i on
t i t io n er
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LETTER O F A DV ICE O N
RU N N IN G A N EW SPA PER
E AR BO B : As your t utor i n t he sc i ence o f jour
mal i sm I mus t pro t es t aga i ns t t he s t i ll n e s s o f your
ed i tor i al pol i cy anen t t he unpleasan t ne s s o n the
other s i de o f the pond Throughou t t h i s en t i re war I d o
n o t remember t hat yo u have ever unpacked o r pol i shed
up your i nvec t i ves a s i ngle t i me I canno t remember
that yo u have exh i b i t ed a s i ngle column o f figh t p r o
v o k i n g conversa t i on s i nce the K a i ser announced t hat he
and Go d would accept t he respons i b i lity o f runn i ng the
universe
I f yo u dec i de t o be neutral i n t hat yo u don t care who
kills the K a i ser I prom i se t o s e e t ha t n o breach w i dens
between you and Joe Albus I f ove r a ste i n o f foam i ng
P i lsner you should dec i de that the all i es are wrong on
account o f the nat i onal i t y o f o u r o wn Peter Loran I
sha l l stand sponsor to Pe t er for whatever you do But
please do not d i sappo i nt me i n your ed i tor i al e fforts by
keep i ng your fert i le brain s o hot w i th grape ju i ce t hat
you w i ll long to follow i n t he footsteps o f h i m who woul d
stand pat and tell the murderers o f America n citizens
where to go
U nderstand I do not expect yo u to declare and start
a war in K nox Coun t y but Bo b look what an o pp o r
t u n i t y you have to drai n your system o f"
all that ed i t or i a l
bra i n storm that has accumulated s i nce y o u quit the F ri
day n i ght debat i ng soc i ety a t Corn H i l l School House
back when Dabney Jawsmith p i t t ed the i ntellects w i th
you on the quest i on Resolved That Art i s M ore B eau
tiful Than Na t ure when yo u fa i rly boiled over with ar
g u m e n t s to t he e ff e ct t hat na t ure had art n i n e m i les down
the speedway w i th a bent ax le and a dead engine When
yo u cited the fact that were i t poss i ble to cal l from the
realms o f the dead the spooks o f Mi chael Angelo and
Raphael the y could not p r o t ra y upon canvas the l i keness
of the beaut i ful daint i ly petaled wild rose a s i t i s pa i nted
among t h e crags and rocks by the master hand o f the
great art i st from whom all insp i rat i on must come
.
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’
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1 61
L E TTER
1 62
O f course , a
t h u s i a s m o f you
OF
AD VI CE
t th i s t i me y were fired w i th th e
t h and possessed t he superb vernacular
ou
,
en
of
Alfred H enry Lew i s t h e eloquence o f a Grady and that
mys t i c power t hat a i ded S hakespeare i n seek i ng o u t an d
p ortray i ng i n readable and fasc i na t i ng colors the work
i ngs o f t he human hear t Y o u had carefully meandered
t hrough t he mys t eri es o f Al i ce i n Wonderland and a h
sorbed t he ph i losophy o f Huckleberry F i nn But my
dear M r Ragsdale why grow o l d ? N o w that you have
a chance to vend a refined grade o f the bov i ne derivat i ve
to real folks why don t yo u pull yourself toge ther and
Y o u know n o w that all t he t rousers
s tart some t h i ng ?
w i th worn knees were n o t made s o pray i ng M any o f
the wear i ngs o n the knees o f that garment that i s know n
throughout the Christ i an world and a part of K ansas as
a mark o f mascul i n i t y rece i ved the knee scars from
kneel i ng i n front o f the refr i gerator to see i f there was
amber
a nother long necked v i al o f that gen t ly foam i ng
c o lored l i qu i d that grows w i ld i n Mi lwaukee
,
.
.
.
,
’
,
.
,
.
In
case yo u are averse to burn i ng up the warr i ng na
t ions o f cont i nental E urope I would suggest that you
j um p on the Democrat i c p arty about t he fl o o ds i n
W i ch i ta Falls or charg e the present adm i n i strat i on w i t h
your recent ha i lstorm I f none o f these suit your k i t of
E ngl i sh then there are cigarettes and women s c l othes
that have been relega t ed to the tw i light sleep t o be
awakened at any t i me they would help an ed i torial de
m
n
a
r
e
t
t p ack a house o r bolster u p a pulp i t
p
,
.
’
,
.
In c ase
none o f these should strike the keynote o f
your mentality then as a last resort there is meat f or
breakfast and modern danc i ng to wh i ch you can h i t c h
a str i ng o f i nvect i ves as long as the moral law These
are subjects that have p u lled ed i tors o u t o f the hole s i nce
H erodotus o f E gypt i an fame s a t at a roll top desk a s c i ty
editor o f the Ca i ro E vening Prevaricator
,
.
.
M y honest o pinion is that the best way t o p ut a week
”
“
O f course
1y newspaper o n the map is to s a y th i ngs
i t may take a te n ton truck t o haul t he rocks st i cks and
bombs from around your off i ce and attempts may be
made to burn you at the stake but yo u can always have
the sweet comfort o f know i ng that you made the na t i ves
s i t u p and take not i ce o f the fact that yo u were o n earth
,
.
-
,
,
.
yourself c l ear o f suffragettes and p rohibition as
t h ese are t he only questions that are l i able to send a
yo u t h ful editor to the p otter s field The c hi ef object i on
to l ett i ng M innie and Bla nche i n o n the vo ting game i s
S teer
’
.
,
MI S CE LLAN E O US
1 64
S OM E
FA CT S AB O U T T H E D O C T O R
H E D O C T O R i s t he first person we meet when we
come i n t o t h i s world and unless we g o o u t by acc i
den t o r other" unexpe c ted summons he i s the last
w i th u s when we l eave i t S uch devo t i on i s wor thy o f
the h i ghes t pra i se and that i s oft e n about all t he doc t or
gets fo r i t S t i ll h e keeps at i t because pract i ce makes
perfect and a doctor w i t hout pract i ce i sn t wor th much
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Who t he fi rst doctor was i s not known but he must
h ave arr i ved shortly after the devi l broke i n t o the G ar
den because before that there wasn t any need o i h i m I n
other words a doctor i s a matter of necess i ty When
you need h i m o h s a y but yo u do need h i m and i f he
had the nerve to present h i s b i ll just aft er he had pulled
you o u t o f the hole—o n e o f t hose holes you kn o w w i th a
—
marble t o p to i t yo u wo u ld b e glad to pay any amoun t
h e m i ght a s k But later yo u feel some d i fferent and
you cha r ge h i m w i th graft when he charges yo u with a
s u m wh i ch would have seemed small enough whe n y o u
thought yo u were go i ng to lose it all But th i s i s to a
cons i derable extent the doctor s faul t because he sho ul d
n ever let a pat i ent get well enough to feel fri sky l i ke
th a t unt i l the b i ll i s paid T hat is o n e reaso n why d oc
tors s o often need the money and doctors have expenses
to meet just as o t her p eople do though they never have
any doctor s b i ll to pay
T h i s is owing to the fact t h a t the ethics of the p r o fe s
s ion forb i d one d o ctor from charging another fo r pro fe s
R i ght here comes in o n e o f the greatest
s i o n a l serv i ces
temptations a doctor i s cal l ed up on to res i st t o wi t r e
pa i ri ng one until he is as go o d as new and getting noth
ing fo r it when by quietly letting h i s drop o u t he mi ght
n o t only get rid o f a competitor but obta i n much o f his
p ract i ce B ut no instance is o n r ecord o f any doctor
do i ng th i s Really don t you know doctors are not
n early as bad as peop l e in debt t o the m say they are
I t is common talk— very common— that the doctor is
i n leagu e wi t h the undertaker and t hat you mi ght a s
well beg i n t o pack up for the long journey when the doc
tor comes around But plain bus i ness sense controve rt s
”
“
this fallacy
L i ve and let l i ve i s the doctor s motto
D e m o r t u i s n o n p a ya bu s wh i ch be i ng t ra nslated means :
“
”
The dead ones don t pay
True som e o f the l i ve ones
don t but some do and never a dead o n e does A grave
yard may mean someth i ng t o the undertaker but it
d o esn t to a doctor
I n conclusion i t may be stated wi thout fear o f su c
c e s s fu l c ontrad i ct i on that wh i le there has been wonder
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MISCEL LAN EO US
1 65
f ul progress made in all branches o f m e d i ca l sc i ence an d
pract i ce mank i nd goes o n dying about as us u al and if
the dead were as gre edy as t he l iving are i n grasp i ng as
much o f the ear th as t hey can get hold of ther e would n t
be any ro om for the l i ve ones
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A T E NN E S S EE H E R O
T H A S developed th at the grea t est hero f the blood
i est war in h i s t ory i s a you t h from the mounta ins f
.
o
o
Tennessee The most lovable feature o f th i s he ro i s
that he does n o t seem t o know he i s a hero H e does n o t
seem to think t hat clean in g o u t a German mach i ne gun
nes t p i ck i ng o ff more than t wen t y German sold i er s and
br i ng i ng i n more t han a hundred Hun pri soners s i ngle
handed aft er h i s comrades were all k i lled i s anyth i ng o u t
Th i s mounta i n bo y refuses all honors and
o f t he usual
w i ll subm i t t o no l i on i z i ng because o f h i s b ri ll i an t deed
I t i s sa i d tha t when he landed i n New Y ork and t h e
people wanted t o w i ne and d i ne t he great hero he sa i d :
Noth i n do i n "I want t o s e e the subway t hen I want
”
When he returned t o his
t o g o home and s e e mother
home i n t he mou n t a i ns o f Tennessee he promp t ly marr i ed
the s h y moun t a i n g i rl wh o had been h i s swee t heart from
ch i ldhood He wa s marr i ed by the Govern o r o f Tennes
and i t i s sa i d t ha t ne i t he r h i s mother n o r h i s br i de
s ee
had ever r i dden o n a t ra i n o r been i n a c i t y before
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We have of t en wondered h o w t he wr i t er folk bu il ded
s o man y beaut i ful characters i n t he Alps o f Amer i ca but
a s t he y ears
o
by
i
t
ceases
more
and
more
b
e
a
won
t
o
g
der These charac t ers don t have t o be bu i l t among the
s i mple moun t a i nee rs "t hey are already t here "they grow
t here The Tennessee moun t a ineer may be unle tt ered
and unlearned and have n o accompl i shmen t beyond h i s
ab i l i t y t o shoo t the center o u t of a d i me a s far a s he can
s e e it
bu t such c o urag e and such charac t ers a s t hese
p eople possess are n o t t o be found anywhere else o n
earth They could t each t he world great lesson s o f
wh i ch we w i th o u r boas t ed c i v i l i za t i on educat i on and
cul t ure are en t i re l y i gnorant The i mmor t al Bo b Taylor
wa s a product o f these same mounta i ns
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TH E TRA VE LING SAL E SM AN
.
W E W E R E asked today t o designate the mos t i m
port an t l i nk i n t he cha i n commerc i al we w o uld s a y
the t ravel i ng sal esman and if there is anything we
would plead w i th a re t a i l merchan t fo r i t i s t o es t abl i sh
a closer rela t i onsh i p and a better acqua i ntance w i th these
F
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M I S CE LLA N E O US
1 66
commerc i al ambassadors upon whose e ffor t s depends t he
success o f every ven t ure o f t he commerc i al world W i t h
out these men the wheels o f i ndus t ry would cease t o
turn Stop the commerc i al traveler fo r five years and th e
c ivil i zat i on of the world w i l retrograde more than it has
p rogressed i n a hundred years
Travel i ng men are commercia l explorers who bla ze
the tra i l fo r the produc t s o f t he world s fac t or i es "t here is
n o t a good seller o n the market t oday f ro m wh i ch t he
merchants reaps a goodly p rofit t hat was n o t once a
stranger t o the marts o f trad e It had to b e i nt rod uced
”
to u s e a modern express i on i t had to be put over Who
put i t over ? The travel i ng salesman wh o bel i eved i n t he
product and who wa s big enough t o make the me rc hants
bel i eve i n i t
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T he travel i ng man o f today i s not merely a sa l esman
with a pr i ce l i st and an order book "h i s m i ss i on i s n o t
merely to sell 5 0 many gross o f th i s and s o many gross
of that "h i s work covers a far w i der field t han the mere
sell i ng o f goods "he i s a walk i ng compend i um o f i n fo r
mat i on H e i s the greatest educator i n the world He
may be a graduat e o f Y ale o r he may be an undergradua t e
Th i s mat t ers l i tt le because h i s
o f the l o g school house
real education h a s come from t he school o f exper i ence It
i s profitable to a s k salesmen quest i ons "we do not mean
merely quest i ons regard i ng t he goods they sell but about
many other th i ngs such a s store managemen t store a n
rangement and a thousand and o n e o t her t h i ngs t hat
con t r i bute to the success o r fa i lure o f bus i ness Y o u w i l l
find men who have seen the s t ores and stud i ed t h e prob
l ems o f the bus i ness from t he St Lawrence to the Gulf
T hey have seen h o w others have done th i ngs i n other
sect i ons o f the country
F o r i nstance yo u m i ght a s k a seasoned vete ra n o f t he
road t o ou t l i ne the best me t hod of keep i ng a close tab o n
the amount o f stock o n hand and he woul d tell y o u that
J i m F i nneran in Boston does i t th i s way Charley Huhn
o u t in Mi nneap o l i s does i t t hat way Adam W i rth i n New
O rleans another way wh i le B i lly W i llman in B rowns
v i lle h a s s t i ll ano t her way H e i s showi ng yo u h o w some
o f the mos t successful men in the coun t ry handle t he mat
ter H e i s g i v i ng yo u i nformat i on tha t i s rare and hard
t o obta i n and from all o f t he me t hods shown a merchant
should be able to find o n e exac t ly su i t ed to h i s ind i v i dual
business
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cannot live without salesmen E ndowed
with m i ll i ons of cap i tal one m i ght bu i ld the most e ff i
C omme rc e
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MIS CELLA N EO US
1 68
do not mean by this that work with t h e hands is n o t
n e c essary We do n o t mean that a clerk s houl d s i de
step real labor The l abor of the drug store is o f t h e
smalles t i mportan c e Th ere are thousands who are w i l l
ing to work with the i r hands for a smal l wage rather
than work the i r minds The man who ha s nothing
more than the work he can do w i th his hands to r e c o m
mend h i m to the man who s i gns the pay checks h a s a
s lender opportun i ty to get anywhere in th e drug game
today H e i s o n a par wi th th e aut o maton who can toss
mud o u t o f an e i ght foot ditch and get eleven dollars a
week fo r i t H e has a shade the best o f the coa l heaver
in that he does a little"le s s work and get s a l i ttle more
m o n e v fo r i t
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The wooden Indian type o f drug c l erk will always be
p lent i ful and i s no more i n compet i t i on w i th the th i nker
whose head i s work i ng t han J ays m i t h Junct i on i s w i th
C h i cago a s a comm e rc i al center
Hardwood i s valu
able fo r some t h i ngs but a s mater i al fo r human heads it
fa i ls t o qual i fy i n first place A bra i n i s cons i derably
l i ke a p i t ch i ng arm if used i t grows i n streng t h and eff i
ci en cy
i f n o t i t atroph i es The man wh o never t axes
h i s bra i n o r works h i s men t al mach i nery t o capac i t y soon
becom e s merely o n e o f t he world s popula t i o n Jus t a
o
n
f
a
i
n
sand
t
he
beach
t
i
me
Bra
i
n
w
o
rk
the
r
o
f
o
i
s
g
I n t he bus i ness o f
o nly work wor t hy o f the name
pharmacy phys i cal labor i s recreat i on t hat makes t he
worker enjoy h i s meal t i cke t and apprec i ate h i s ro om key
The t i re dest man among the work i ng m i ll i on i s t he man
wh o s i t s i n an arm cha i r all day The ch i ef i ncent i ve t o
work i s remunera t i on H ead work i s t he best pa i d
Joseph P Rem i ng t on could probably ge t t wo dollars a
day for dr i v i ng a dra y o n t he s t ree t s o f Ph i ladelph i a
M r E d i son could l i kely c o mmand four dollars a week as
—
f
n
o
coal
passer
a
man
war D r u g d o m i s a very po or
a
o
market i n wh i ch t o sell bru t e strength most buyers are
Th i nkers are the arch i t ec t s o f the
l ook i ng fo r brains
world s progress U pon t hem depend t he cond i t i ons o f
Th i nkers are wr i t i ng t h e world s h i story
N at i onal l i fe
The drugg i st who th i nks i s t he
e ach day as i t passes
drugg i st wh o w i ll w i n The youngster wh o can t find h i s
o wn ha t o r remember where he pu t t he box opener need
never expect to put t he cha i n stores in bankrup t cy a s a
compet i tor
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FI S H ING
.
TH E R E a word in the E ngl i sh language quite so
”
thri ll i ng as F i sh i ng ? O ne says the keenest pleasure
i n fishing comes from t he an t i cipa t i on wh i le digg i ng
ba i t Be th i s as it may the wr i ter bel i eves that fish i n g
is good for everybody It i s o u r earn est convict i on that
every drugg i st i n th i s coun t ry however busy he may be
should take t i me to go fish i ng Ther e i s s o much to
fish i ng bes i des fis h It does no t ma tt er whe t her o n e gets
a b i te or not "fish i ng l i ke so me med i c i nes i s good for
whatever a i ls yo u When we say fish i ng wo d o not mean
the k i nd that requ i res four hundred dollars W ort h of
equ i pment we do n o t speak o f fish i ng i n t he l i ght t hat i t
i s understoo d by the average pap i er mache c i ty sports
man wh o th i nks he should be dressed fo r the occas i on
from l i ngeri e o u t w i th a change o f hab i l i men t s fo r each
k i nd o f fis h angled fo r When we s ay fish i ng we mean
the k i nd we learned when o u r wardrobe cons i sted o f o n e
comple t e change same be i ng made once each week when
o u r d i scouraged trousers were suppor t ed solely by o n e
l onely gallus and o u r locom o t i on was ser i ously re t arded
The word
by a large ju i cy s t one bru i se o n o u r left heel
”
F i sh i ng i s Greek t o any man wh o d i d n o t learn t he a rt
under d i ff i cul t i es such for i nstance a s t o have mo th er
s e w o u r sh i rt collar hard a n d fast w i t h number e i ght
t hread t o keep us o u t of the creek "t h i s looked e ffec t i ve
t o mother
bu t we soon accumulated a needle and a
spool o f number e i ght o f o u r very o wn When t he best
i s t o be go tt en o u t o f fish i ng o n e sh o uld sl i p o ff from
every body and go alone t o a shady bank wher e t he s i lence
i s seldom broken save by t he quarrel i ng o f a red b i rd o r
the basso profundo o f the bull frog wh o announces i n n o
u nm i stakable t ones t ha t i t i s sundown
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O f all t he men i n t h i s vale o f tears wh o need t h i s
panacea fo r the i lls o f l i fe there i s n o t o n e wh o needs i t
worse t han the drugg i st The cash ou t lay fo r equ i pment
f o r real honest t o goodness fish i ng i nclud i ng a plug o f
good ea t i ng tobacco should n o t exceed a dollar and t h i r
t y fiv e cents
The sneak should be made o u t t he back
way some even i ng t oward t he m i ddle o f t he week when
bus i ness i s dull wi t h a long cane pole and an o l d p o t a s
s i um c i t rate can full o f squ i rmers dug i n t he back yard
F i nd a comfort able place i n t he shade and s t ay unt i l i t i s
too late t o show Up at the s t ore unt i l next morn i ng I f
they are b i t i ng fine i f n o t then y o u are st i ll away ahead
o f the game
Try th i s a few Wednesday aftern oons and
if i t doesn t help you then yo u fo r a b i g sunny room in
t h e southwest corner o f the huma n repair s h 0
wit
h
a
p
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MIS CELLAN EO US
170
c ouple
of trained nurses giving yo u s ome
med i c i ne
of
o wn
your
.
A N EW
USE
F O R AN O LD
C H EM I CAL
.
H O O F U S cannot remember the days long g o ne
when we were the sworn enem i es o f E psom sal t s
back when M other used to make a glass o f per
fe c t l y good water taste l i ke black death by d i ssolv i ng
in i t s l i mp i d depths a few spoonfuls of th i s pe r n i c i ous
d i sturber o f o u r stomachic equ i l i br i um ? O ur i dea o f
supreme punishment fo r o u r b i tterest enemy would hav e
been t o g i ve h i m a s i p o f th i s atroc i ous pot i on Ad l i b i tum
A draught o f t h i s nauseat i ng curse o f y o uth was the
penalty for i ndulg i ng in the unripe watermelon the tann i n
laden young peach and the green apple wh i ch we are
now persuaded was suffi c i ently citrous t o pucker a p u n c
ture i n an automobile tire
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When Sk i nney Slosh Bust e r and Splint met u s in the
v i cin i ty o f t he calf pas t ure and plans were made fo r shak
ing the shackles o f civ i l i zation fo r a short space o f t i me
even the ant i c i pation o f a few hours in h i gh grass Bo
b em i a wa s n o t sweet because from o u r subconscious na
t ure there came t h e hin t o f the p enalty fo r stolen sweets
and there stole along o u r tongues and back to o u r pa l ates
a suggest i on of magnes i um sulphate and sure enough
o n e gr i nd o f our molars o r o n e moan in o u r sleep and
we were awakened to contemp l ate a small ch i na mug
around wh i ch a pa i nter had entwi ned a wreath o f v i olets
and i nto wh i ch M other had poured three ounces o f water
and one ounce of the wh i t e crysta l curs e M ore than once
we have w i shed we were a cr i pp l ed c o w a stray dog o r
an un i dent i fied M exican corpse in a rocky rav i ne when
confronted w i th a flagon o f th i s rura l cathol i con
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We wish t o add here and n o w that o u r v i ews regard
ing personally i mb i bing the stuff have n o t changed i n t h e
least n o r have we had a dose of it s i nce we have been
b i g enough to fight We rejo i ce over a report from the
Rockefeller Inst i t ute t o the e ffect that a 4 per cent so l u
t i on of E pso m sal t h a s been fo und highly e ff i cac i ous i n
t he treatmen t o f tetanus o r lockjaw Here s hop i ng that
some u s e w i ll be found for the rest o f the output n o t r e
qu i red fo r te t anus such a s mak i ng explos i ves o r tak i ng
t he place o f cap i tal pun i shment
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M I S CE LL AN E O US
1 72
TH E E DIT O RIA L
CO B
PIP E
H thou source of edi torial i nsp i rat i on " T ho u odo r
i fe r o u s tool o f the arch i tect o f publ i c o p in i on "
Thou from whose snori ng depths come the bra i n
throbs that shake pr i nc i palit i es demol i sh thrones and
seek to establ i sh the age of Ann and t he ownersh i p o f
the p rescr i pt i on " At thy shr i ne I kneel When fears b e
s e t and doubts assa i l my trembl i ng hand d i gs among the
proof sheets to grasp thy fam i l i ar shape Thy once noble
ste rn o f cherry i s n o w wrapped i n s t i cky tape to s t 0 p t he
leaks at every j o i nt "t h y noble bowl which w i th Show
”
M e has made Mi ssouri famous i s blackened w i th the
smoke o f many brands and the p i th from t hy bottom
long s i nce burn ed through i s stopped w i th an aged cork
“
”
marked Carter s Ink
I n the eyes o f the world tho u
art not much to look at bu t to m e thou has t more
enlighte n ment than Athens more beauty than V en i ce
and more history than Rome True in the female fo r
um where assemble more wr i nkles than roses the fem
i n i ne h i gh bro w hath declared i n grat i ng vo i ce that thou
art t he r i val o f the assafoe t i da t he l i m be r g e r and the
skunk but a s thy martyred champ i on I can but ex
cla i m G o d forg i ve them fo r t hey know n o t what t hey
s ay
Thou art the true compan i on o f a man s man
Thou hast no k i nsh i p i n t he cork t i p p ed st i nk st i ck w i t h
wh i ch i nexper i enced youth t h i nks i t pays tri bu t e at t he
shr i ne o f E mpress N i cot i ne "there i s no s i m i lari t y be
tween t hee and the o i ly black Havana that shedde th
ashes i n t o the i nk jug o r the syrupy plug t hat s t r e a k e t h
t he ch i n and s pa t t e r e t h t he ed i tor i al sh i rt fron t The
g i lded meerschaum and t he pol i shed br i ar are n o t o f thy
t ri be bu t are the pa inted playth i ngs o f the ch i ld i sh ama
t eure O h Jane Gun t er may we n o t l i ve t o s e e t he day
when thou are den i ed u s "
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U NI VE R S AL
P EA CE
H U G O sa i d : A day w i ll come when the
only ba t tlefield w i ll be t he market open t o c o m
merce and t he m i nd open i ng t o new i deas A day
w i ll come when bulle t s and bomb shells wi ll be replaced
by v o tes by t he un i versal su ff rage o f nat i ons by arb i
t ra t i o n o f a sovere i gn sena t e wh i ch w i ll be t o E urope
wh at t he Parl i amen t i s t o E ngland the D i e t to Germany
the Legislat i ve Assembly to France A day w i ll com e
when a cannon ball will be exh i b i ted i n publ i c museums
just a s an i ns t rumen t o f torture i s now and the people
w i ll be as t on i shed h o w such a t h i ng could have been A
day w i ll come when t hese two i mmense groups t h e
I CT O R
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MIS CELLAN EO US
Amer i ca and the U n i ted S t a t es of
E urop e shall be seen ex t end i ng the hand o f fellowsh i p
exchang i ng the i r produc t s the i r i n
a cross the ocean
d u s t r y the i r arts the i r gen i us clearing the ear t h p e o p
l i ng t he desert s i mprov i ng crea t i on under the e ye o f the
C reator and un i t i ng fo r t he g o od o f all these two i rre
—
i
i
l
and
i
nfin
i
te
powers
the fratern i ty o f men and
s
t
b
e
s
”
the power o f G o d
United S ta
t es
1 73
of
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Is it too muc h to hope that th i s great man s predict i on
is to come t rue ? I s t h i s the las t t i me the dogs o f war are
to be unleashed ? Is th i s t he las t re i gn o f t he monster
that i s claw i ng at the v i tals o f cont i nental E urope ?
Would tha t war could be el i m i nated from the world and
the ballot supplant t he bulle t as pred i cted by t he grea t
Frenchman War i s as i ncons i stent as i t i s hell i sh
S c i ence burn s the m i dn i ght o i l to preserve the health and
prolong t he l i fe o f man i n peaceful t i mes yet tha t same
sc i ence i s lashed i nto the work o f dev i s i ng t ools fo r
wholesale murder i n t i mes o f war T he c hem i st the
greatest of the worl d s sc i ent i sts wh o delves i nto the
mysteries of the elements evolving p roducts so useful to
mank i nd must reverse h i s purpose and br i ng forth p ro
ducts capable of t he greatest destruct i on t o human l i fe
The phys i c i an spends a l i fet i me perfect i ng a process o r
study i ng a d i sease w i th the hope that h i s e fforts may save
a few l i ves wh i le war sacri fices t housands o f l i ves in a
day T he bl i ght i ng hand of the monster h a s left its scar s
on the nat i ons of eart h as unera s able as the stars i n the
s ky
War throttles our boasted c i v i l i zat i on and drags us
back to barbar i sm The progress of
years i s repu
d i a t e d and undone i n a day
War is wrong i t i s i n d i re c t
O pposit i o n t o every judgment o f man and every law o f
God
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T H E PA S SING O F JA C K L O ND O N
N the recent death of Jack London th i s country suf
fe r e d the loss of o n e of the greatest wr i ter s o f the
age A character i s t i c of h i s wri t i ngs wa s t h e fact
that h i s books were i nspired by and bas e d upon act u a l
exper i ence Jack London s knowledge of the Alas k a n
wilds and o f the S outh S e a Islands did n o t c ome from
the Sunday p aper H i s characters were fles h and blood
a n d not the ch i l dren of a vague i mag i nat i on H e d e l i n
e a t e d truly the character of the p rimeval ma n far from the
i n fluences o f education and civ i l i zat i on Shakes p eare
p ossessed no more o f the myst i c power o f seeking o u t
and portray i ng in readable and fasc i nating colors the
work i ngs of the h u man heart than did Jack London I n
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MI S CELLA N EO US
1 74
add i t i on t o possess i ng a fert i le bra i n a keen percept i ve
and great power o f descri pt i on he also p ossessed brute
streng t h tha t led h i m to tramp across cont i nen t s study
i ng cond i t i ons and gett i ng i nformat i on fir s t hand Jack
London was a man s man h i s character wa s wi thout
veneer and h i s tales w i thout varn i sh Wh i le he knew
every t ype o f man h i s broad v i ew o f the human race was
occas i oned by h i s assoc i at i on w i t h the men o f the great
doors In addit i on t o know i ng the E sk i mo t he
ou t oi —
S ou t h S e a Islander and the peoples o f the remote parts
o f t he ear th he wa s a student o f sc i ence es p ec i ally t he
sc i ence o f med i cine o f which he possessed a p rofound
knowledge It i s indeed s a d to th i nk t hat there w i ll be
“
”
n o more
John Barleycorns no more
Ca ll o f the
”
”
W i lds and no more S e a Wolfs
Jack London i s dead
but he has bu i lded to h i mself monuments i n h i s works
that t i me can never ob l i terate
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M OT H E R AN D TH E GIRL S
O TH E R and the girls must be catered t o in any
modern bus i ness M other and the girl s s p end at
l e ast seventy fiv e per cent o f the fam i ly bank
roll nowadays The p urchases may b e for Father but
Father i s i n the produc i ng department with nothing to do
but s e e that the fam i ly finances stay o u t o f the red
M other and the girls are expert buyers They get mor e
fo r Fa t her s money than Father co u ld get
I f yo u sold
Father a bo x o f cigars with three broken ones in it
Fa t her would frown when he found them and t hat
would be the l ast o f i t When yo u s el l M other o r Nellie
a bo x with three broken ones M other o r Nell i e will come
lugg i ng them back and Father w i ll get cred i t fo r the
bum panatellas There i s a vast d i fference i n se l ling
goods t o M o t her and the g i rls and sell i ng Father and the
boys Father and th e boys take everyth i n g fo r granted
wh i le M other and the g i rls are from Mi ssouri I n many
fam i l i es M other and the g i rls make buy i ng a business "
they know merchand i se and prices and have a kee n
sense o f values
Th i s should n o t be objec t ionable to the merchant be
cause i f h i s goods are meri tor i ous and his prices r i ght
he should n ot object to the keen i ntelligence of h i s cus
tomer as that i ntell i gence values quali t y wh i c h the i g
n o r an t do n o t apprec i ate
Advert i s i ng n o w a da ys sho uld appea l to the feminine
m i nd be i t for face cream o r men s clothing W i ndow
displays should appeal to women whether t he go ods dis
p l ayed are for woman s use or not Whe n y ou see a
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MI S CELLAN EO US
176
warm air vendors t hat are try i ng t o get Atlas job away
from h i m We have known a pat i en t to pay a phys i c i an
five dollars for a prescr i pt i on t hat called fo r four ounces
o f bor i c ac i d solut i on and t hen pay a pharmac i s t fif t y
cen t s fo r the med i c i ne Th i s pa t i ent pa i d five dollars
and fift y cents fo r less than half an ounce o f boric ac i d
and a t t ha t t i me five dollars and fifty cen t s would h ave
bought t wenty fiv e pounds o f bor i c ac i d The phys i c i an
i n t h i s case was o n e who had spent many years i n the
s t udy o f d i seases o f the eye and the pat i en t g o t m a ny
t i mes t he value o f h i s i nvestment al t hough the t h i ng he
got fo r h i s money cost les s than a half cent It some
h o w does not soak i n o n these would b e sav i ors o f the
country that yo u pay for bra i ns i n every manufac t ured
product yo u buy M ost o f the m have been touched by
the w i zard hand o f the chem i st who brough t i nto ex i st
ence t he pr o cess by wh i ch t he product i s made I g n o r
ance brute strength and awkwardness are chea p com
m o d i t i e s but when you p ropose to become a buyer i n
the bra i n market yo u may as well pre p are to come loose
from some co i n M anhattan Island sold f o r twenty four
dollars once though some head wa i ters i n t h at v i c i n i ty
n o w get that much perm i tt i ng
you to speak to them
Grape ju i ce i s a plebe i an beverage at almost noth i ng a
flagon bu t when i t gets carbonic acid gas i n i t and i s
dragged from a silver basket of crushed ice amid the
stra i ns o f refined Hungarian no i se when t h e com p any
is mellow and the hour t o o early to b e la t e and too la te
to be early we l l i t runs i nto money and nobody k i ck s at
a bone a bubble Nobody has a holler com i ng who gets
what h e asks for at the price printed o n the l abel
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T HAT M E AN L E TT E R
In the course o f bus i ness l i ttl e tiff s and mi s u n d e r
stand i ngs come up A transac t i on o r a l etter makes us
sore "we g o forthwith and wr i te t hos e people just what
we th i nk o f t hem In the language o f t he grandstand
“
”
We bawl em o u t
We make the letter and the lan
guage as mean and hatefu l a s we can poss i bly de v i se
“
We comfort ourselves with t he ever present I l l show
em— wonder what they th i nk I am o r guess they mus t
”
th i nk I belong to em
Th i s letter precludes forever
any chance o f r e estab l ishing the friendsh i p that for
merly ex i sted It makes any future get together i mpo s
s i ble There i s not a bus i ness man i n t he world today
who does not need all the fr i ends he can ge t A man s
enm i ty i s not an asset "i t is a l i ab i l i t y and o n e l i ne o f a
mean letter may put h i m on your deb i t side fo r l i fe
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MISCELLA N EO US
1 77
A bu s iness l etter of inquiry minus t h e br i mstone w i l l
correct n i nety nine per cent o f the tro uble where t h e
scath i ng denunc i at i on w i ll widen the breach to where i t
can never be closed T here have been made and pri nt e d
enough rules t o load an ocean liner to capac ity but there
i s one rule that covers the ground better than a l l others
together same be i ng t he golde n rule However we be
l i eve every man should wr i te mean letter s M ost of us
ar e confiden t that we have a l i ne o f fight p rovok i ng c o n
versa t i on that pu t s all o t hers to shame and that w i l l no
doub t make the rec i p i ent o f t he mean letter get down o n
h i s knees and beg o u r pardon I t i s s o reasonabl e to ex
re
a
fellow
human
be
i
ng
to
do
th
i
s
when
he
has
e
c
t
p
c e i v e d o u r meanest le t ter
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I n writ i ng mean l etters there i
a course o f procedure
that must be followed else the e ffect i s en t i rely lost The
proper modus operand i i s a s follows : Wr i te t he le t ter
qu i ckly fo r f e ar you dec i de n o t to do i t Pol i sh u p your
meanest adject i ves and cal l into play all the v i t upera t i on
i n your system Wr i te all the hateful th i ngs yo u can
about the man or firm and w i nd up by s ay i ng Y o u
know more about yourself than I do hence may c o n
”
sider this tirade a compl i ment
When th i s letter is
n i cely wri tten o n good stat i onery by a perfectly i nn o
cent stenographer lay it o n your desk and read i t tw i ce
a day fo r three days then tea r i t i n small b i ts and p ut
it in the fire Y o u have no i dea how h ateful and s mall
and cheap you w i ll beg i n to appear to yourself along
about the second day T here i s nothing that does a ma n
more good than t o wr i t e mean letters i f the above i n
s t r u c t i o n s are followed religious l y
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TE "A S
E very n o w and then some loquacious l eather lun g ed
”
J i ngo gets h i mself al l het up and attempts to d i s
course w i t h great elaborateness o n the vastness o f the
dom a i n of the Lone Star M ost of t h e c o n sm i ths t h i nk
”
they are o u t west when they get to Pittsbur g and t he i r
idea o f a h e l u v a h unk of doma i n is New Ham p sh i re
wh i ch i s smaller than E l Paso C ounty T exas To g e t
down to brass tacks and tell the tru t h about o u r L i l
”
o l e state
she i s 74 0 miles h i g h and 8 2 5 m i les wide at the
waist line Sh e conta i ns
square m i les o f terr i
tory and spends more for c i garettes than h alf the states
spend for gr oc eries
T u rn T exas around on a pivot at T ex l ine and
Bro w n svi l le wil l st 0 p 6 0 mi l e s n orth o f M i l wa ukee
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MIS CELLAN EO US
178
her around o n a p i vot at W i ch i ta F alls and Louisi
a n a Mi ss i ss i pp i Tennessee
O kl ahoma Mi ssouri K a n
s as
Arkansas Ar i zona and New M ex i co w i ll be w ip ed
from the ma p
S pin
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M eyer i n St Lou i s w i red Fred Burnett in Galves
ton t o go to Amar i llo Burnett w i red back G o there
A s a member o f
yourself yo u are closer than I am
the d i s t ri ct pharmacy board o f the Jumbo D i stri c t the
wr i ter was once called u p on to g o 3 1 5 m i les t o hold an
exam i na t i on
C arl
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Lay ou t T ennessee K entucky a nd Indiana nor t h from
Brownsv i lle and the t hree states won t reach Dalhart
S tack Georg i a S outh Carol i na North Carol i na Vi rg i n i a
D i str i ct o f C olumb i a and Pennsylva n i a west from Tex
a rkana and P i tt sburghers w i ll st i l l have a pass p ort t o get
a bot t le o f M escal If Texas were a Navajo blanket i t
would cover New M ex i co Arizona Colorad o and U tah
a n d st i ll leave room enough o n the edges fo r O klahoma
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N E R VE
Nerve i s to man what re i nforc i ng steel is t o concrete
T h e mammoth p i llars o f t he skyscraper would crumble
a n d fall but fo r t he t w i sted bar s of steel that re i nforce
t hem
M any a man who i s a success today would b e i n
the gutter but for the nerve that i s i n h i m Nerve i s t he
th i ng that enables men to come back i n the very teeth
o f the storms of adversity "it puts fight into them t hat
refuses to be wh i pped o r rather stay wh ip ped It i s n o
table in the student who starves and fights h i s way
through school i n th e merchant who from a small be
g i nning bu i l d s a great b u siness and even i n the pat i ent
wh o fi ghts fo r h is life u nti l the cr i sis is p assed In o ur
o wn professi o n we have no more shi ni ng exam p le o f th i s
manly qua l i ty than o u r o wn Joh n Uri L l oyd the great
scie ntist who s e first ex p erime nts were co n d u cted wit h a
retort made from hi s mother s dish pa n s wit h a t ransfe r
t u be made o f pumpki n stems Th is does n ot l ook a s
t ho ugh M r L l oyd had a gerat o pp o rtun i ty to be co me o n e
H e did n o t
o f the greatest s cientists of h is day a n d age
T h er e
h a ve a great op p o rt un i t y but h e made o n e of it
s h o u l d be s o meth i ng i n this to stimul ate n erve in all o f
Look a roun d yo u and see if yo u a re n ot satisfi e d
us
t hat yo u h ave a far bett er op po rt u n ity t o m a ke a su cce s s
o f y o ur b u s i ne s s than Joh n U ri L lo yd h ad to become a
at
re
a
t
s
c
ientist
None
f
t
h
os
e
a
ro
un
d
us
w
h
o
h
ave
o
g
f ained suc c ess had a s p ecia l di s p e n s a tio n o f pr o vidence
”
“
u st hap p e n
t he i r su cc ess was n ot a c c id e nt al it did n o t
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MI SCELLA N EO US
1 80
D R U GGI S T S AND V A CA T I O N S
.
F N O BO D Y ever made a mista ke wome n wou l d no t
change th e i r mi n ds th ere would b e no ru bbers o n l ead
p enc i ls and there wo u l d not be a crank i n the t oo l kit
o f every self sta rter
At this time when the wel l known Amer i can who i s
an al i en from work
and a stranger to exert i on faces a
”
“
work o r fight edict when dr u g c l erks are about as
plent i fu l as D em o crats in P h iladelp h i a the drugg i st can
take a retrospect i ve squ i nt at the years that have flown
a n d note o n e great m i stake he has made H e can show how
eas i ly he could have taken a vacation severa l years ago
whereas th i s year h e is asking the boards of p harma cy
to provide some way for h i m t o have a mea l occas i onally
that is t o be served outside the p rescription case The
druggist wh o slaves continually wit hou t rest o r recrea
tion i s by no means the mo st successfu l e i ther from a
s cientific o r financial point o f view Th e most su c ces s
ful d m g g i s t s we know in the c ountry are the ones wh o
p l an th i ngs ahead and these p l an s always include a litt l e
rest a n d recre a tio n some t i me during the year
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T here h a s never be en a machine made that woul d ru n
The toughest
o n fo r years w i thout stopping for repa i rs
S pan i sh mule from the M exican cactu s range s cann o t
work all t h e t i me and where the d m g g i s t ge t s the i de a
that he is an iron man and can stay eternally o n the job
and s u cceed is more than we can un derstand
T he busiest physician in the city has his vacation I f
h i s off i ce i s full o f pat i ents he walks o u t and leaves them
with out a fear o f s o me other physician gett i ng them away
from him in his absence merely because he has left them
in the other physician s care whi l e away resting
S ome druggists seem obsessed with the thought that
the worl d would actual l y stop re vo l ving the sun cease t o
shine and business go t o the bow wows i f they were
absent from the i r stores for a couple of weeks Thi s
is not the case th e world will wag right o n the sun wi ll
s h ine and the business will increase from the i ncreased
capacity o f the druggist for work and the optimist i c view
h e takes of things when he comes bac k rested
It is n o t n ec essary to c ro ss the c ontin e n t or to seek
expensive resorts in orde r to give one s mind and b o dy
a rest Go out in the woods o u t of reach of the postma n
a n d o u t of earshot o f a te l ephone It does not cost mu ch
money M o s t dru ggists have a u to m o bi l es a n d c oul d
sn atch s eve ral l itt l e breathi n g s p e lls durin g a s umm e r
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MISC ELLA NE O US
a re sul t f wh i ch th y c ul d th ink cl arer
an d g t mor t f l if T y it
e ou
e
r
e.
o
e
o
e
o
as
HE CK
,
1 81
work b e t ter
.
RO GERS
T h e r e ar e e xc e p ti ons t o all r ul e s H e c k R o dg er s wa s
the h e a d fi e n d a n d ho l din g cor po ratio n of the S p a ghetti
Pha rmac y dow n i n the p la n k walk district where the
h ous e s were n umbered with barn p aint and t h e po pul a ce
wore wh a t it p leased a n d s p at many l i ngoes He c k sold
more p lug chewing tobacco dime an ounc e p e rfume and
He
Bi g Ba d to i let requi s i tes than anybody in the c i ty
had a prescri pt i o n bus i ness that was coveted by bi g
do wn towners The Sp aghett i Pharmacy looked l i ke it
had been arranged by a n earthquake and the goods
p laced with a coa l scoop The place was i nterest i ng from
the v i ewpoint o f geolog i sts and so i l experts The Ital i an
Nat i onal Bank was strong fo r Heck because he brought
h i s deposits i n a j ute epsom salts bag every eve n i ng at 3
o clock and three of the bank s desk cl i mbers were de
ta i led to h e l p h i m count it and make a dupl i cate o f de
pos i t Heck was a rea l business ma n and shaved eve ry
Sat u rday
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H e l oved the lux ury o f a l a rge suc culent h unk o f
guzz l e weed and blew h i msel f for eight dollars worth o f
wearing a p pare l every s p ring and fall Heck d i d a cash
b u si n ess Al l i t took to get goods from Heck wa s the
money on the mahogany He ke p t n o books as he pa i d
the dri vers when they del i vered the go ods and all he
knew abo u t his bus i nes s was that he had a cer t ain num
ber of thousand dollar cred i ts at the bank that he d i d n o t
have l ast year O ne day fate h i t H eck below the belt
and he took the count A n e ffi ciency expert got a s i d e
ho l d o n h i m "they cleaned up the store put in new fix
tures and H eck went broke M ora l : Don t try to pass
the mob angel s food when they wa n t onions
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GR E A T D E CR E A S E IN DRIN KE R S
T is said that a p rohibit i on officia l h a s give n o u t t h e
statement that proh i bit i on has decreased th e numbe r of
consumers of l i quor from twenty m i ll i on to t wo m i l
l i on five hundred thousand T o the casua l observer that
looks as though seventeen mill i on five hundred thousa nd
former guzzlers o f the cup that cheers had climbed o n
the wagon and were s i tting steady However o n second
t hought we are not so sure th a t the edi c t fathered by the
much t outed noble s o n o f M innesot a has p u t th a t ma ny
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MIS CELLA N EO US
1 82
the rusty creak i ng wagon We do n o t believe that
the proh i b i t i on off i c i al took i nto cons i derat i on the fact
that l i kely a large port i on of these m i ss i ng faces from t he
bar room floor are n o w rel i able bootleggers who know
what t he s t u ff i s and are aware t hat i t i s made t o sell
only We do not bel i eve he coun t ed the several mi ll i on
home br we r s who ar now toy i ng w i t h death o n t he i r o wn
hooks i n the i r o wn basements H e has no doubt over
looked the t hrong who never drank the v i le s t u ff unless
somebody else pa i d fo r it There are also a grea t number
o f boudo i r hounds wh o are soak i ng w i f i e s v i ole t j ui ce
attar o f rose and wri nkle erad i cator The Pal m Beach
bunch don t count "they strai n the i r eyes fo r the tramp
steamers from the Baha ma Islands l i kew i se those who
”
g o to Cuba fo r rest
on
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He has no doubt failed to co u nt the prohibit i on e n
forcement agents wh o are part time bootleggers who are
wi se to the stuff and stay o ff o f it as a beverage H e
probably was not aware that there are qu i te a S pr i nkl i ng
o f tramp chem i sts who know h o w t o pack a couple o f
loaves o f common baker s bread int o a glass percolator
p our a quart o f t i ncture o f iodine thro u gh it lea v ing the
iod i ne and the starch of the bread all i n the percolator
as starch i od i de while the c l ear l i mp i d gra i n alcohol
tri ckles through as pure as when it wa s m i xed w i th the
iodine crystals T h i s sw i vel cha i r hero o f s t at i st i cs no
doubt was i gnorant o f the fact that a quart o f spir i t of
n i tre dashed i n t o a shallow pan o f aqua bull i ons gives i ts
ether o ff i nto the a i r wh i le the alcohol m i xes with the
water in about the same percentage as i s contained i n
wel l aged Bourbon back i n the days when l i quor wa s so
co mmon that most peo p le did n o t care fo r i t H e prob
ably was n o t wise to the fact that most of the d e n a t u r
ants of the denaturing formulas can be d i st i lled o u t S uch
s t atements should not be given o u t as it i s n o t poss i ble to
s a y with any degree o f accuracy what t he decrease i n
dri nk i ng has been o r whether o r n o t there has been a
decrease S uch statements can but rem i nd us that
”
“
M arse H enry Watterson once said t here are three
”
grades of prevar i cation l i es ( 1
ned l i es and stat i stics
There are s o many sources o f alcohol on wh i ch p ro h i bi
tion o ff i c i als cannot get a check they range i n impor
tance from the wonderful corn land that i s reputed t o
produce as much as t wo hundred gallons per acre to the
kraut barrel which has been t i pped o ff recen t ly by a
Gotham hotel man w i th the in t i mat i on that the p i ckled
c abbage has considerable authority
It is doub t ful if dr i nk i ng has decreased with p r o h i bi
t
ti
Th
t
d t
b e we t i n s
n o w i t seem s
,
.
’
,
.
,
-
.
.
,
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“
.
,
,
,
.
nn
e
c ou n
u s e
o
o
s
"
MIS CELLAN EO US
1 84
m
uxur
ies
T
h
ere
f
r
i
l
wo
e
n
i
n
T
e
x
a
w
ho
wi
ll
l
e
a
v
l
the w a h t u b a nd the iro ning b o ard be caus e J oh n B
l y
is gone and th e ma rit l p art n e r wi ll get home
S at u rday n i ght with a ll of h i p y c he c k Th ere a re b u sy
factorie s in Texas that wi l l o p e n M o n da y mo rn ing with
every m
th e job fi t as a fi dd l e d r ea dy t o w o rk
T h ere is a shade o f sadne ss h wever t o t h e p a ssing
of the sa l oon
Wh a t wi ll bec o me f t h p a ras i tes who
h ve had prohibit i o n a s a po l iti c a l issu e on wh ich they
averaged sav i ng t h e country at l east onc e every two
years s i nce Wash i ngton s monument was a h i tch in g
post ? Wh o ca n t remember the cam paign ranter who
w i th one hand on his heart d th e other
his po c ket
flask f forty d p lead f the yo uth of th e land and
begged the yeomanry f the commonwealth t save the
race by cast i ng its ballot f h i m ? T he veteran politi al
fl i m fl mm
who lay awake a t night try i ng to dec i de
whether it would be best to b e a proh i b i t i on i st or an a nti
i n ow a pitiful fig re in T exa s far more pi t i ful than the
f bus i nes s
l i quor dealer whom the edict h as p ut
t
temporar i ly T he saloon i st may come back with a h ar d
ware store
an eat shop but since there are no p r o
a nti prejud i ces to appeal to h e of the stentori an whee e
a d dra matic gestures is left wit h out a leg to stand o n
T h is dr ou th in T exas i s a natural consequence of the
are
.
a
e
s
s
e
arv
c o rn
a
,
a
s
.
an
a n on
,
.
o
: :
,
o
e
a
’
’
on
an
“
o
ro
”
or
o
o
c
or
-
a
er
u
s
,
ou
o
,
.
or
or
z
,
,
n
.
rend o f the nat i on and only proves that th i s g i ant o f the
f
r
o
outhwest
is
a
regular
fellow
normal
i
n
eve
y
sense
S
It has been several ye ars s i nce the Governor
t h e w o rd
o f North Carol i na has sa i d any t h i ng to the Governor o f
n
ou
t
h
arol
i
na
much
longer
in
fact
that
i
t
had
bee
C
S
when the Governor wa s talk i ng before and no doubt the
conversation on th i s part icular matter i s ended forever
G o od bye John we know you are go i ng to be gone a
l ong t i me Y o u are go ing to be away from us longer
than yo u have been with us "it i s all r i ght though be
cause there are s o many more people in Texa s wh o don t
want you here than there are who do that we c annot
k ee p yo u here and b e democratic
t
,
“
(
‘
,
.
é
,
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-
,
,
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,
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’
,
.
T H E DAN G E R O F AL C O H O LI C M E DI CIN E S
that proh i b i t i on i s spread i ng over the country
rate cer t a i n bo i ler plate copy
much alarmed and are sound i ng
the warn i ng tha t t hose formerly add i cted to the cheeri ng
M art i n i the salubr i ous g i n fizz and the S azerac w1 11
qu i ckly switch t o propr i etary med i c i nes wh ich co nta i n
alcohol
-
,
,
.
MISC ELLA N EO US
1 85
T r ul y
e h ath no te rrors l ike a p e nn y l i ne r wh o
h a s r un o u t of s o mething t o sa y "in th i s won de rf ul di s
c o v e ry Per c y Pi n kp e n c i l h as a made to order p rej u di c e
t o wh i c h h e ma y a p pe al a n d there by s tretc h hi s me al
T h e king space fil l er o n t h e
t i cket ou t considerably
M orn i ng Prevarica tor has di s covered anothe r fl oc k o f
w i ndm i lls aga i nst which to hurl a sul ph urous tirade o f
m i ldewed warmed over adj e ctive s s uch as are commo nly
us ed by the home fan s fo r denou nc i n g the im po rted um
p ire
The pecul i ar th i ng about t h e lur i d acc oun t o f the d e
m i se of the once strong unsoph i st i cated man who t i ppled
himself i nto the fam i ly lot i n a local cemetery w i th sa r
s a pa r i l l a i s that nobody is able t o get a l i ne o f d i rect i n
H e i s a k i nd o f my t h i cal dreadful ex
f ormat i on o n h i m
a m p le that i s handed around from one copy scrambler to
ano t her He frequently d i es i n d i fferent parts o f the
country as a res u lt o f us i ng first o n e k i nd o f package
medic i ne and ano t her H e has been t he subjec t o f more
c l ose atte n tio n by the yellow hammers o f the press tha n
any o f the a lleged million s who have been k i lled because
”
they ref u sed to kick i n to Spar t i cu s Jawsm i th M D
f o r a p rescr ip ti o n
The reaso n package medicine has recently become s o
d angerous o n account of its alcoholic c ontent i s becaus e
proh i b i tio n sent i ment at th i s time is an all consum i ng
fi re i n t h i s country and the wise gazabo t h e wo p of the
Waterman sees h i s c hance
Th e average scribbling grub staker of the fo u rth estate
d oes not know whether proprietary remed i e s are good o r
n o t neither d o s he care "he merely knows he can get in
the m i ddle o f the spot lig h t by rid i ng a popular hobby
while i t i s p op u lar
We b e lieve h owever th at the estate o f th i s myth i ca l
c hap who has k i l led h i msel f in pract i cally every sect i on
o f the country should be remunera t ed in some way for
dy i ng s o often and i n s o many d iff erent places wh i l e
tak i ng a poke at h i s r e h u m at i s m w i thout ge tt i ng perm i s
s i on from the powers that b e and p aying fo r same
,
H ll
-a-
,
.
,
,
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,
,
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W O R K O R FIGHT
M AR S HAL G E N E RAL C R O WD E R
recently announced an amendemen t t o t he S elec t i ve
S erv i ce Regulat i ons wh i ch deals w i th the questio n
o f compell i ng men n o t engaged i n useful occupat i ons to
i mmed i ately engage themselves i n such occupations o r
R O V O ST
MI SCE LLAN EO US
1 86
e nter the army The l i st o f persons a ff ected i ncl ude s
gamblers o f all k i nds employes of bucket shops a n d ra c e
track s fortune t ellers cla i rvoyant s palm i sts etc T hi s
wonderful regulat i on should not end with the war b u t
s h o u ld be made perpetual T h i nk o f t h e supreme pleas
ure there would b e i n watching the mascul i ne s p ecime n
wear i ng the rainbow vest and the qu i ck seven sm i le
chas i ng a M c c orm i ck b i nder around a t housand acre
whea t field fo r three dollars a day Bl i ster i ng the l i ly
wh i t e hands that used t o knick the aces and lead the
bones in order to bri ng a d i vorcement between the fool
and h i s money Race track and bucket shop emp l oyes
are included i n the l i st and fo r the honest man wh o has
alwa ys worked fo r his money th i s gang at work w i l l
present a most pleasing and rare s i ght
.
,
,
,
,
,
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,
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,
.
Fortune tellers cla i rv oyants and palm i st s are also
pla i nly told t o work o r fight Professor F e zzl e wh i s k e r s
o f the pa i nted s pi nach and the or i ental odor w i ll so o n be
juggling spuds i nstead o f peach i ng on fate We may
expect soon to s e e the wonde r ful palm i st d i rect from
Calcu t ta wh o can t ell by the l i nes i n your hand that your
great grandfather had a red complexion and smoked a cob
p i pe dr i ft i ng back to Counc i l Blu ff s Iowa where he
was born i n order t o help w i t h t he corn crop th i s fal l
”
And there i s t he cla i rvoyant wh o i s see i ng th i ngs
w i t hout hav i ng t aken a drop who will soon h ave h i s
wonderful v i s i on concentrated o n a cotton patch that i s
wh i t e fo r the harvest The war h a s i t s horrors but out
o f t he ph i losophy o f giv i ng the dev i l h i s due we shoul d
be t hankful fo r some t h i ngs i t has done fo r u s O ne o f
t hese th i ngs i s the order t hat puts the paras i tes t o earn
i ng a l i v i ng hones t ly n o t that anybody cares whether
they have a l i vi ng or n o t but because the i ndustr i es of
th i s country need labor and mus t have i t and i t save s
the former v i ct i ms from whom they used t o fl i m fl am an
ex i stence
,
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,
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-
.
Th i s order w i ll reach the the gang o f human dr i ftwood
tha t hangs around publ i c pool and b i ll i ard halls s t reet
corner loafers and t he passengers o f side door Pullman
cars Work should be t he m i ss i on o f every man in crea
t i on and he who does n o t work i s a paras i te o n the h u
m an race i t ma tt ers no t whether he be a possessor o f
wealth o r a v i c t i m o f poverty Provost M arsha l General
C rowder deserves decorat i on fo r any man who make s
the i dle work h a s done the world a very great s ervice
,
.
,
,
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MIS CE LLA NE O US
1 88
am s v ral sc ie nc e i nclu ded in t h compre h e n ive
P hy i o g omy Phr nolo g y F mi
f p harm cy
s tu dy
i i ty N a t ural Hi s t ory G r e n G ood s Chri ti a Sc ie nc e
an d Po rc h Cl imb i n g
W ha t i s an o ff icia l p re pa ra ti on ? A p re pa rati on tha t
has been supplanted by a p ro prieta ry f th e sa me fo rm ul
What is t h e p urp s e f a L a ti n o ff c i al tit l e ? M um s
t h e word
Give a n ex a mp l e f a co mb a t an t Wi lh e l m B o de ma nn
What i s th e differe nc e i n ca m phor s p irit s a n d c am ph or
water ? Seventy fi c e nt s a p int
What i s the re l ati o n o f t h e ph arma c i s t t o the ph y s i
sia n ? T he p ha rmac ist s t an ds betwee n th e ph ysician an d
the un de rt a ker
N
e
e
s
e
a
o
n n
s
.
,
n
e
,
e
,
s
e
,
s
,
e
n
.
a.
o
o
’
i
o
.
o
-
.
ve
.
.
.
B O ARD Q U E ST I O N S
S TA T E
HAT i s a pharma c eutic al irritant ? A d i s pe n
s i ng doctor
What is Posology ? A text book for ar
t i s t s mode l
Give a n exam pl e o f a n a morp h u s sa l t Ga l vest on
T exas
Name t wo insects that are o ff i c ial ? T he p reside n t an d
s ecretary of the S ta te Board o f Pharmacy
H ow is s pi rits frume nti o bt ained ? De p ends o n wh ere
yo u a re
?
What is an emetic A fres h man f rom t h e medica l
department
Give an exam p l e o f an e ff erves c ent offi c i a l p re pa ra
t i on Bo b Fr i ck s president i al address
What i s helleb o re ? A p ersistent sa lesman w i t h a l ine
that d i ed in 1 8 60
Where does alcoho l eva p orate wit h greatest rapidity ?
In a dry town
What i s evolution ? A theory that Darwi n used for
mak i ng monkeys out o f al l of us
Name an o ff i c i al bean Charley Huhn s head
What i s auto i ntoxicat i on ? It is the worst k i nd "it s
seriousness depends o n how much the chau ff eur will
stand fo r
What i s pharmacy ? A term formerly appl i ed to a
branch o f the drug business
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MISCELLA N EO US
1 89
T H E D O UB L E N U I SAN C E T A "
E used to think the soda tax was a n uisance
ra i sed to the nth degree In the former soda
tax o u r holler was that the government ma de
ta x co ll ecto rs o f us without remuneration However
the latest atrocity announced by Congress at Wash i ngton
s t i l l p erm i t s us to be tax collectors without remunerat i on
an d we are not allowed t o collect t he t ax o ff o f the
customer but are permitted to pay i t ourselves T hi s
wonderfu l improvement prom i sed and the goods d e l i v
ered bri ngs a groan from the dru g t rade tha t l i stens l i ke
a Republ i can campa i gn prom i se hitt i ng th e t i da l wave
of present prosper i ty
.
,
.
.
,
,
”
“
.
A tax o f t wo cent s a gallon o n st i l l dr i nks Ye gods
what a puzzle " The white aproned angel faced phiz
fondler o f the future w i l l have to know someth i ng be
s i des how to comb h i s ha i r s t ra i ght back H e will have
to be a bookkeeper w i th a head for figures When he
p uts twenty o n e and o n e th i rd s i x ounce plain water
grape phosphates o n the ra i l and has made twenty o n e
and t wo t h i rds entries in h i s book of mystery he will be
ready to pay th e Government the pr i ce of a postage
stamp If the revenue department w i ll now const i tute
itself i nto a leg i sla t i ve body and requ i re that the record
be kep t o n pink paper wi t h violet i nk to be written by
a left handed soda jerker between the hours o f o n e and
two O clock p m o u r happ i ness w i ll be complete i nsofar
as st i ll dri nks are concerned This still dr i nk t ax will
c ost the average soda founta i n owner a dollar fo r eve r y
two cen t s the Government gets o u t o f it All the bone
heads are not in the baseball orchards We bel i eve i t
behooves us dear cons t i tuents t o warn o u r s o cal l ed
servants i n the forum against scratch i ng t he i r heads
th i s o n accoun t o f the danger o f ge tt i ng spl i nt ers under
the i r na i ls It seems that i t m i ght have dawned o n some
o f the S olons that sales t ax o n soda foun t ains would have
b e en somewhat s i mpler in i ts work i ngs than the syrup
tax or the st i ll drink tax F o r i nstance if a drugg i st sells
o n e hundred and twenty e i ght lemonade s i n a month — ten
gal l ons he w i ll have made one hundred and twenty
eight entries used up a bale of paper and several hours
time and t h e Government will get twenty cents
,
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I f a farmer had a horse to sell wo rth o n e hundred and
fifty dollars he would probably quote the horse at one
hundred and fifty dollars flat Just a hundred and fifty
dol l ars worth of horse for o n e h undred and fi fty dollars
b ut if congres s had a horse to sell a c o mm i ttee woul d be
a p p o inted t o devise ways a nd mean s of pricin g th e co n
.
’
,
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M I S CELL A N EO US
1 90
horse The outcome woul d p robab l y b e t o
count the ha i rs i n t he wh i te spot i n the horse s forehead
the commit t ee would l i kely report that t here were three
hundred ha i rs i n the s yo t and recomm end that the p ri ce
o f the horse be arrived at by charg i ng fo r the hors e a n
amoun t equal to the s u m of the ha i rs figured at a half
cent fo r each ha i r H i s p roposit i on i s not a b i t more
rid i culous than t he st i ll dr i nk tax th at has been pr o mu l
gated I n other words Congress does no t seem sat i sfied
w i th i ts alleged labors unless i t h a s fixed i t s o the tax
payer w i ll have the most trouble poss i ble i n arr i v i ng at
the amount o f h i s burden Thi s i s true o f i ncome and ex
cess profi t s tax In addit i on to pay i ng t he tax the aver
age c i tizen must pay an expert to te l l him how mu c h to
g r e s s i o n al
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’
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3
3
1
3
’
WHA T AR E
YOU
G O IN G T O D O ?
N J U L Y 1 1 9 1 9 th i s g rea t co u ntry is to assume a
hum i d i t y l i ke tha t o f S ahara No more wh i rring
fans cl i nk i ng glasses flYi n g cork s and fitt i ng
sm i les after t hat even t ful day in o u r history and the fol
low i ng from t he busy pen of Robert J Fri ck o f the K en
tucky Drugg i st is interesting :
.
.
.
,
,
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“
In pass i ng ( passing m i nd you ) a saloon in the ne i gh
bo rh o o d o f S econd and M arket S treets recent l y we were
attracted by a s i gn hang i ng on the outer do or o f the
establishment wh i ch read as follows : Don t ask us what
—
t
h
we are go i ng o d o What in
l are yo u going to do
after the first o f July
N o t hav i ng heard many
answers t o our quest i on i n the D ecember number we are
incl i ned t o believe that the boy s ar e p ondering over what
they really w i ll do after J u l y 1 1 9 1 9 Don t worry— just
th i nk o f the company yo u wil l have—and nobody wi ll
”
know how dry yo u are
,
,
’
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In the fi rst place we would h ave to have hock ab s o b
ers
i mag i nat i on before t rying to i mag i ne a K e n
tucky gentleman of B o b Frick s bu i ld hap e taste and
p ol i t ics pass i ng a s a l oon think f it " We cha p s in the
a rid desert i n Texas for instance do not call i t a s al oon
w cal l it an o a s is and t h at any man woul d p as
f these by as Bob F rick avers he did i s beyond
powers of unders ta n ding O f c rse it is bare l y p
ible that i t h e l a n d f beautifu l w o men speedy c ol t
and t h e worl d
ri ch e s t and me l lowest bourb o n
ma n w o ul d p as s a s mal l oa s i s in o der t get t
th at
w l arger and th a t had more f those g oo d loo kin g
white clad d i amond b d cked chaps wh o o p e n up a
b un dl e of broad rins with their what s ours ? but w
r
S
on
our
’
,
S
,
o
,
,
,
,
”
“
e
s
o ne
our
o
.
s
os
ou
o
n
’
a
s
r
as
-
,
o
e
o one
-
o
,
-
s
,
,
e
“
’
”
e