By Burton Bumgarner
© Copyright 2007, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.
Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every
performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be
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On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear:
1.The full name of the play
2.The full name of the playwright
3.The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado”
BEOWULF: USER-FRIENDLY
By BURTON BUMGARNER
CAST OF CHARACTERS
# of lines
MRS. GULCH.............................demanding literature teacher
JEFF CHAUCER...........................student who plays a newscaster
CHRISTINE MARLOW..................student who plays a reporter
BOBBY BURNS...........................another
GINA.........................................student who plays Dr. Elvira
Gulch, a historian commentator
BEOWULF CHARACTERS PLAYED BY STUDENTS
HROTHGAR................................Danish king
BEOWULF..................................hero warrior
GRENDEL..................................horrible monster who lives in a swamp
MRS. GRENDEL..........................Grendel’s mother, also a horrible
monster
UNFERTH...................................professional taunter
HYGELAC...................................King of Geatland QUEEN......................................Hygelac’s wife
THIEF........................................steals treasure and unleashes dragon
WARRIOR 1................................member of Hrothgar’s army
WARRIOR 2................................another
WARRIOR 3................................another
WARRIOR 4................................another
WARRIOR 5................................ditto
WIGLAF......................................Beowulf’s sidekick COURTIER 1...............................in the court of King Hygelac
COURTIER 2...............................ditto
COURTIER 3...............................ditto
EXTRA STUDENTS......................as DRAGON (at least 3) and WARRIORS
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*See Flexible Casting Note on next page for details about doubling and
gender flexibility.
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FLEXIBLE CASTING
Several smaller roles can be doubled up depending on the size of the
cast. For instance, GRENDEL and MRS. GRENDEL may play QUEEN,
HYGELAC or THIEF in Scene Four. QUEEN, HYGELAC and WARRIOR 5
could also play the COURTIERS.
BOBBY (BOBBI), UNFERTH, THIEF, WIGLAF, WARRIORS, COURTIERS and
DRAGON are all gender flexible.
SETTING
This play requires only a bare stage with a teacher’s desk and students
desks or rectangular tables to represent a high school classroom.
Desks/tables will be pushed together to make one or two banquet
tables (depending on your space) to represent the mead-hall. The
home of Grendel and his mother is depicted FORESTAGE LEFT with
no set pieces required. FORESTAGE RIGHT represents the TV studio,
where JEFF CHAUCER does the newscast.
Due to the “class project” nature of the play anything goes. Scenes
should flow from one location to another seamlessly. Therefore, lighting
cues are optional, and scene breaks are for rehearsal purposes only.
If you wish, set pieces can be brought on to depict the mead-hall—a
fireplace with a deer roasting on a spit, and stuffed animal heads,
swords and a team picture on the walls.
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Beowulf: User-Friendly - Suggested Set Design
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BEOWULF: USER-FRIENDLY
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Scene One
LIGHTS UP: ALL STUDENTS ENTER RIGHT, carrying backpacks or
notebooks, and sit at their desks. Some start reviewing their notes.
Several put their heads down and go to sleep. MRS. GULCH ENTERS
RIGHT. ALL sigh in depressed recognition.
GULCH: Students! Wake up! (ALL sit up straight.) I know I don’t have
the reputation as the easiest instructor in this school…
STUDENTS: No, ma’am!
GULCH: Or the most popular…
STUDENTS: No, ma’am!
GULCH: Some of you may interpret my strictness and my obsession
with details as a lack of care and concern for your personal
happiness, security and future achievements… (STUDENTS lean
forward. Yells.) …and you’re right! (STUDENTS jump back.) My job is
to teach early English Literature! If you learn about it, you pass. If
you don’t… well, then you’ll be with me next year. (JEFF raises his
hand.) What is it, Mr. Chaucer?
JEFF: Aren’t you supposed to retire one of these days? You are getting
pretty old.
GULCH: (To JEFF.) Aren’t you supposed to graduate one of these days,
Mr. Chaucer? You’re getting pretty old yourself! (Addresses class.)
Now, last week not one of you passed the exam on Old English
Literature. The principal doesn’t look kindly on teachers whose
entire classes fail. Therefore, I offered you a chance at redemption.
I’ve taught the story of “Beowulf” for a long time.
CHRISTINE: Maybe you should teach something else, Mrs. Gulch.
GULCH: Maybe you should learn something period, Miss Marlowe!
Now, does anyone else have anything rude they’d like to say before
we continue? (ALL raise their hands.) Forget it! I’m tired of your
behavior, and I’m tired of you showing no respect for the literature
of antiquity. Last week, I issued a challenge. YOU are to teach ME
the story of “Beowulf.” If you cover the characters, the events and
the historical themes, there may be the slightest possibility that
you could pass my course. Have any of you thought about this offer
since last week?
STUDENTS: Yes, ma’am!
GULCH: And did you decide to dismiss it?
STUDENTS: No, ma’am!
BOBBY: We’d rather eat school cafeteria mystery meat than spend
another year in your class.
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GULCH: I’d rather eat school cafeteria mystery meat than have you as
students another year. So, are you ready?
STUDENTS: Yes, ma’am!
GULCH: You are the teachers. I am the student.
STUDENTS: Yes, ma’am!
JEFF: Can we send you to after school detention?
GULCH: No! Jeff Chaucer. (JEFF stands.) Since you give me the most
trouble, you’re in charge.
JEFF: Yes, ma’am! (Salutes, military style.)
GULCH: We’re now going to play a little game called “You’re so smart,
you teach it!” Your version of “Beowulf” had better be accurate,
tasteful and well researched.
STUDENTS: (Stand at attention.) Yes, ma’am! (Salute military style.)
GULCH: I’m going to sit down here. (Takes an empty seat in the first
row of the AUDIENCE.) You have 50 minutes!
JEFF: Ready!
STUDENTS: Ready!
JEFF: Aim!
STUDENTS: Aim!
JEFF: Let’s tell this story! (ALL loudly cheer and throw their backpacks
to the side. They arrange desks into one or two banquet tables. ALL
EXIT RIGHT except BOBBY, BEOWULF, GRENDEL, MRS. GRENDEL,
HIGELAC and QUEEN, who EXIT LEFT. BLACKOUT.)
End of Scene One
Scene Two
LIGHTS UP: JEFF ENTERS FORESTAGE RIGHT with a handheld
microphone. He is now a newscaster “in studio.”
JEFF: (Addresses GULCH and the AUDIENCE.) Good evening. This is Jeff
Chaucer with a special report—“Beowulf: User-Friendly”! I know all
of our viewing public is anxious to find out what happened… well,
some of our viewing public is anxious… well, not really anxious.
Mildly curious, maybe? Anyway, we’re going to do this special
report whether anyone wants to hear about it or not. First, let’s go
to our investigative reporter Christine Marlowe for a perspective on
some recent events. (CHRISTINE ENTERS RIGHT with a handheld
microphone and crosses DOWNSTAGE. She is “on location.”)
Christine, are you there?
CHRISTINE: I’m here, Jeff. And I can tell you these recent events
you’ve referred to are not recent at all.
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JEFF: Perhaps you could give us some insight, Christine.
CHRISTINE: We located an expert on this story at a local museum. May
I present Dr. Elvira Gulch, a true historical artifact. (GINA ENTERS
RIGHT dressed as Mrs. Gulch.) Dr. Gulch, is it true you’re an expert
on Old English Literature?
GINA: (Pretends to be hard of hearing.) Eh? Where’s what?
CHRISTINE: (Loud voice.) Old English Literature! What makes you an
expert?
GINA: Speak up, young lady! I can’t hear you!
CHRISTINE: (Louder voice.) Dr. Gulch! I don’t mean to be a cynic…
GINA: (Loud.) Yes. I know where it is! (Points OFF RIGHT.) You go down
the hallway and turn right!
CHRISTINE: No! I’m not talking about the clinic!
GULCH: (Stands up in the AUDIENCE.) You’re wasting time!
CHRISTINE/GINA/JEFF: (Heads bowed.) Sorry.
CHRISTINE: But it WAS funny. Anyway, give us the scoop, Dr. Gulch.
GINA: Sure thing, Christine. First of all, we’re dealing with a manuscript
that dates back to the year 1000.
JEFF: Whoa! That’s older than that car you drive, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Yes, Jeff. It is. In fact, it’s almost as old as that hairpiece
you’re wearing.
JEFF: (Reaches up and touches his hair. Uncomfortable.) Yes, well. So,
we’re dealing with a thousand-year-old poem.
GINA: Not only that, the actual story takes place some 300 years
earlier.
CHRISTINE: So, how does that work?
GINA: Well, Christine. The poem was believed to have been composed
around the year 700 AD. It was, of course, a story that passed
down through oral tradition until someone wrote it down.
JEFF: If it’s such hot stuff, why didn’t they publish it?
CHRISTINE: You might not believe this, Jeff, but the printing press
wasn’t invented until the early 16th century.
JEFF: Wow. That’s almost interesting, Christine.
CHRISTINE: There’s more, Jeff.
JEFF: I was afraid of that.
CHRISTINE: Please continue, Dr. Gulch.
GINA: “Beowulf” is a long narrative poem written in the Anglo-Saxon
language known as Old English. It has a lot of Germanic influences,
and it’s just plain impossible to read unless you have a translation,
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or you’re an expert on the languages of antiquity… like me. I’m so
old I remember when Old English was New English.
CHRISTINE: What she’s saying, Jeff, is if you can read English, and I’m
not saying you can, you’d have a heck of a time reading “Beowulf”
in its original form.
JEFF: Well, that’s nice to know. Tell us, Dr. Gulch. What’s with that
name? Is “Beowulf” like Wolfman, or some kind of vampire or
something?
GINA: No, Jeff.
JEFF: (Long, uncomfortable pause.) Oh. Well, that’s good to know.
CHRISTINE: Well, Dr. Gulch has to go back to the museum. (To GINA.)
That Stone Age exhibit just isn’t the same without you. Right?
GINA: Actually, I don’t have anywhere to go.
CHRISTINE: Yes, you do. (Shoves GINA OFF RIGHT.)
JEFF: I believe we have some video to show our viewers. This video
was taken in King Hrothgar’s mead-hall. Tell us, Christine, who is
King Hrothgar and what is a mead-hall?
CHRISTINE: Well, Jeff. King Hrothgar is, or I should say was, the King
of the Danes.
JEFF: Large dogs?
CHRISTINE: Not large dogs. People who live in Denmark are called
Danes.
JEFF: I knew that, Christine.
CHRISTINE: Good for you, Jeff. As I was saying, King Hrothgar built a
large mead-hall…
JEFF: Could you tell our viewers what a mead-hall is?
CHRISTINE: Sure thing. A mead-hall is a club where the Danish
warriors could gather to drink mead, play games and listen to each
other’s war stories.
JEFF: So you’re saying it’s a sports bar.
CHRISTINE: Sure, Jeff. Anything you say. Anyway, King Hrothgar gave
his mead-hall a name. He called it “Heorot.”
JEFF: You know, Christine. We have names for places like that in our
century, too.
CHRISTINE: (Not interested, becoming annoyed.) Really, Jeff? Like
what?
JEFF: Hooters (Or other chain restaurant)!
CHRISTINE: (Really annoyed.) Would you let me finish my report?
JEFF: Sure thing, Christine.
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CHRISTINE: The video clip you’re about to see shows the warriors
arriving. King Hrothgar is praising his staff for building the sports
bar… I mean the mead-hall. And they have a big party. (EXITS RIGHT.
JEFF EXITS FORESTAGE RIGHT. HROTHGAR and the WARRIORS
ENTER RIGHT. They carry mugs and cross to the line of desks.
Some sit, some stand. [NOTE: If desired, simple set pieces can be
brought on—such as a fireplace depicting a deer roasting on a spit,
stuffed animal heads for the walls, swords and a team photograph.
Alternatively, these items can be imaginary.] HROTHGAR is CENTER.
ALL talk robustly until HROTHGAR demands their attention.)
HROTHGAR: (Raises his mug.) Ladies and gentlemen! Boys and
girls!… Dogs and cats! (ALL are quiet.) I want to thank you for your
help in building this wonderful mead-hall! (ALL cheer.) We have all
kinds of neat Teutonic stuff here. We’ve got the big roaring fire
place which keeps us warm, and over which we cook the carcasses
of large animals! (ALL cheer.) We have stuffed animal heads and
swords and of course our team picture after our victory at Vinland
hanging on the walls! (ALL cheer.) And we have the greatest leader
in the medieval world—ME! (ALL cheer, but without quite as much
enthusiasm.) I think our mead-hall needs a name. Therefore I’m
going to call it “Heorot”! (WARRIORS mumble, “Heorot? What’s
Heorot?” WARRIORS can have accents à la Monty Python.)
WARRIOR 1: Beg your pardon, sir. What does it mean?
HROTHGAR: It means “hart”!
WARRIOR 2: (Pounds his chest.) Because we have… blood pulsing
around in our insides!
HROTHGAR: No. (Spells.) H-a-r-t. A hart is another name for a deer.
WARRIOR 1: As in somebody you like? For example—my mommy is
such a dear.
HROTHGAR: No! Like the kind of deer we have cooking over the fire!
WARRIOR 2: You got your mum cooking over the fire?
HROTHGAR: Like a deer that runs around in the woods!
WARRIOR 3: Beg your pardon, sir. But some of the fellows was thinking
we could call it Applebee’s (Or other chain restaurant).
HROTHGAR: I believe Heorot will do nicely. After all, it’s MY meadhall!
WARRIOR 3: But we built it.
HROTHGAR: But I’m the king. And I have the power to offer you the
hospitality of this wonderful mead-hall… (To WARRIOR 3.) …or
remove your head and toss it on the fire with the deer carcass!
WARRIOR 3: Heorot sounds good to me.
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WARRIOR 4: Nothing says mead-hall like Heorot. We could put a sign
out front. Offer daily specials. All you can eat elk ribs… groundhog
pie… buzzard wings…
HROTHGAR: (Without sincerity.) Thank you. Now, faithful warriors! I
have gifts for you!
ALL: (Cheer.) Hurray!
HROTHGAR: But you’ll have to wait for your birthdays before you open
them.
ALL: Boo!
HROTHGAR: We have food, we have mead! But before we feast, I have a
special surprise. Outside of Heorot… I like that name, don’t you?
WARRIORS: (Mumble.) Yeah. Love it.
HROTHGAR: I have brought in special entertainment.
WARRIORS: (In unison.) What is it?
HROTHGAR: (Excited.) Pony rides! (ALL are silent.)
WARRIOR 1: Pony rides?
HROTHGAR: That’s right. I hired a man who had all the little ponies.
He does a lot of kids parties and school carnivals. I thought it
would be just the thing to celebrate the opening of our mead-hall.
Whaddaya think?
WARRIOR 2: But sir. We spend all day riding around on horses and
killing people.
HROTHGAR: But these aren’t horses. They’re ponies.
WARRIOR 3: What’s the difference?
HROTHGAR: Ponies are cute. Now, are you refusing the gift of a pony
ride from your king, who has the power to turn you into beef stew?
WARRIORS: NO!
HROTHGAR: Then let’s go outside and ride those ponies! (ALL cheer
and EXIT RIGHT. JEFF ENTERS FORESTAGE RIGHT.)
CHRISTINE: (ENTERS LEFT.) As you can see, there’s quite a bit of
excitement around the mead-hall. All of King Hrothgar’s Warriors
are celebrating, drinking lots of mead and… riding ponies around
in a circle.
JEFF: It’s really something, Christine. I’m almost sorry I missed it.
(CHRISTINE EXITS RIGHT.) And now we go to the swamplands near
Heorot with our foreign correspondent and expert on swamps,
Bobby Burns. Are you there, Bobby?
BOBBY: (ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT with handheld microphone and
moves FORESTAGE CENTER.) Jeff, I’m here in the swamplands
near Heorot. This is a disgusting place with mud, snakes, stagnant
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water and decaying vegetation. I understand you can get a good
Cajun meal if you know where to look. Anyway, living nearby is a
hideous monster named Grendel. He’s centuries old, and he lives
with his mother. Which says a lot about Grendel.
MRS. GRENDEL: (ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT talking on a cell phone.
She wears a housecoat and slippers and her hair is under a net.
Brooklyn accent.) I’m telling ya, Carmela, I got the laziest son in
the world. They’re always looking for ogres for those fairy tales and
urban legends, but would he even consider the idea of getting a job
and helping out? He won’t even bring in the garbage! I’ve not only
got Grendel Junior to contend with, now those obnoxious Danes
had to go and build a stupid mead-hall! They’re so noisy I can’t
hear myself think! And will that son of mine do anything about it?
Go out and pillage a couple of villages and mutilate a Dane or two?
Heck no! He hangs out with those worthless friends of his down at
the monster bar, then drags in here at all hours of the night, eating
bats and drinking muck and expecting me to pay his bills! It’s like
pulling teeth getting him to terrorize people even though he’s so
good at it. Since the Danes just built the mead-hall, he hasn’t done
a thing about it. (Looks OFF FORESTAGE LEFT.) I think the worthless
monster is finally waking up. (GRENDEL ENTERS FORESTAGE LEFT
wearing a bathrobe. He yawns and stretches. Mrs. GRENDEL hands
him her cell phone.) Grendel! Say hello to your Aunt Carmela!
(GRENDEL makes a monster noise, takes the phone and tries to eat
it. She grabs it from him.) Don’t eat it! Talk on it!
GRENDEL: (On phone.) Hello?… Hey there, Aunt Carmela… Fine…
Good… Maybe… Not really… Sometimes… Because… I don’t think
so… Okay. Bye. (Hangs up and hands Mrs. Grendel her phone.)
MRS. GRENDEL: Well? What did she say?
GRENDEL: Nothing.
MRS. GRENDEL: Would it hurt you to give me a straight answer
sometime?
GRENDEL: I gave you a straight answer. She didn’t say nothing.
MRS. GRENDEL: All that “fine, good, maybe, not really” was nothing?
GRENDEL: Yep. Do we have any bats in the fridge? I’m really hungry.
MRS. GRENDEL: Later. I have a little job for you.
GRENDEL: I already have a job. I’m a monster.
MRS. GRENDEL: Then why don’t you go terrorize people like a good
monster should? You haven’t killed a single Dane since they built
that mead-hall! Go out and impale a couple, decapitate one or two.
Make ’em sorry they’d ever been born. Think you can do that for
Mommy?
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GRENDEL: I think so.
MRS. GRENDEL: And bring one back for supper.
GRENDEL: For supper?
MRS. GRENDEL: Yes. I’m making a special sludge casserole and the
recipe calls for a Dane. Don’t get one that’s too big. You might want
to break one open to check his insides first. They can be tough.
GRENDEL: Okay.
MRS. GRENDEL: Hurry back. (GRENDEL EXITS FORESTAGE RIGHT. MRS.
GRENDEL speed dials on her phone.) Hello? Carmela? I got Junior to
get on the Danes again. He’ll probably mess it up. He messes up
everything he does. (As she starts to EXIT FORESTAGE LEFT.) I asked
him, why don’t you go to medical school like your cousin Ralph? Or
be a mechanic like Stella’s boy. (EXITS FORESTAGE LEFT.)
BOBBY: So that’s the way things look in the swamplands, Jeff. Grendel
is on his way to the mead-hall to do some damage.
JEFF: It sounds like things could get tense.
BOBBY: That’s for sure, Jeff. By the way, what is mead? I see these
warriors drinking it in these big mugs.
JEFF: Mead is something warriors drink, Bobby.
BOBBY: Thanks for clearing that up, Jeff. While Grendel makes his way
to the mead-hall, I’ll see if I can get an interview with Mrs. Grendel.
JEFF: Be careful, Bobby. You could end up as a shish kabob.
BOBBY: Thanks, Jeff. I’ll keep that in mind. (EXITS FORESTAGE LEFT.)
JEFF: While Bobby Burns tracks down that interview with the monster’s
mother, let’s go back to the mead-hall with Christine Marlowe and
see if things have started to heat up. Christine? Are you there?
CHRISTINE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) I’m here, Jeff. And so far it’s been a lot
of big scary warriors riding around on cute little ponies. But I think
they’re getting ready to come inside now.
HROTHGAR: (ENTERS RIGHT with UNFERTH and the rest of the
WARRIORS, and crosses to the table.) Am I a great king or what?
WARRIORS: (Loud chant.) GREAT KING! GREAT KING! GREAT KING!
HROTHGAR: That’s what I like to hear. Did everyone get to ride on the
ponies?
WARRIOR 1: (Raises his hand.) I didn’t.
HROTHGAR: Why not?
WARRIOR 1: Those little horses kind of… well… they made me
nervous.
HROTHGAR: Oh. Well, that’s a shame. Did everyone else have a good
time?
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WARRIORS: (Halfheartedly.) Yeah. Sure thing. It was great.
HROTHGAR: I think this calls for another round of mead. (GRENDEL
ENTERS RIGHT. He growls and snorts. The WARRIORS yell and scream
in panic. ALL run around. Some hide under the desks. GRENDEL
finally grabs WARRIOR 5 and starts to drag him OFF RIGHT.)
WARRIOR 5: Help me! Help me! I’m being dragged off to the swamp
lands and I don’t have a thing to wear! (GRENDEL EXITS RIGHT with
WARRIOR 5. The WARRIORS slowly cross CENTER.)
HROTHGAR: I’ve had it with that monster!
WARRIOR 1: I thought with our new mead-hall, he wouldn’t terrorize
us anymore!
WARRIOR 2: It’s been going on for years. Why would it stop now?
WARRIOR 3: Shouldn’t someone stop it?
HROTHGAR: You’re warriors! Why don’t you stop it? (WARRIORS shyly
turn their backs.)
WARRIOR 4: That Grendel’s a tough monster.
HROTHGAR: So, you’re all afraid of Grendel. Is that it?
WARRIORS: That’s it!
CHRISTINE: Things look pretty bleak, Jeff. None of the warriors are
brave enough to face the evil monster. It kind of makes you wonder
what kinds of cowardly, dishonorable, unethical, immature, lilylivered excuses for warriors these warriors are.
WARRIOR 1: (To CHRISTINE.) Excuse me, Miss. That isn’t very nice.
CHRISTINE: (To WARRIOR 1.) Sorry.
HROTHGAR: Isn’t there someone in the medieval world who can take
care of that foul-smelling, Dane-eating creature?
BEOWULF: (ENTERS LEFT and crosses to HROTHGAR.) I believe I can
help you.
CHRISTINE: We may have a break here, Jeff. (EXITS LEFT. JEFF EXITS
FORESTAGE RIGHT.)
HROTHGAR: Who are you?
BEOWULF: The name’s Beowulf. I’m a professional hero. I heard about
this Grendel business from my previous employers. They thought I
might be of service to you. I can provide references. (Shake hands
with HROTHGAR.)
HROTHGAR: A professional hero? (BEOWULF hands HROTHGAR a
business card. HROTHGAR reads.) “Beowulf. Professional Hero.
Maiden rescue, dragon slaying, revenge and monster removal.
Reasonable rates. Bonded.” That sounds like just what we need!
(WARRIORS cheer.) Let’s have a big party. (To BEOWULF.) You see, I
just built this great mead-hall, and I’m looking for any chance I can
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get to throw a big party. Grab your mead mugs! (WARRIORS take
their mugs and offer a toast.) To Beowulf! The man who’ll rid us of
Grendel!
WARRIORS: Beowulf! (They drink. UNFERTH crosses CENTER.)
HROTHGAR: By the way, I know his parents. Good people. I was in
the Kiwanis Club with his dad. The boy is supposed to have the
strength of 30 men. He’s just what we’ll need to take on that nasty
old Grendel.
UNFERTH: (To BEOWULF.) How do we know you’re any good? (To
HROTHGAR.) Have you ever seen him do anything?
HROTHGAR: (To BEOWULF.) You’ll have to excuse Unferth here. He’s a
professional taunter.
BEOWULF: Professional taunter?
HROTHGAR: You know. He follows the crowds around and whenever
somebody says something, he taunts them.
UNFERTH: I also taunt warriors in the heat of battle. I’ll show you. (To
imaginary soldier.) Hey! You fight like my grandmother, you silly man!
Where did you learn battlefield procedures? At the school of ballet?
I’ve seen better soldiers in productions of “The Nutcracker”! Are
you brandishing a sword or swinging a golf club? Are you pillaging
that village or playing with Barbie dolls?
HROTHGAR: Okay, Unferth. We get the point… actually, we don’t get
the point. Why are you here?
UNFERTH: To taunt Beowulf. It’s part of the story. What makes him
such hot stuff? What makes him think he can single-handedly
defeat the monster Grendel?
BEOWULF: (Nervous.) Single-handedly? I thought maybe I could count
on a little help.
UNFERTH: Hah! You are a coward!
BEOWULF: Well, then I guess I’ll fight the monster by myself.
UNFERTH: What experience do you have? Have you ever fought
monsters?
BEOWULF: Let’s see, I have the strength of 30 men. I once fought a
family of giants and destroyed five of them. I took on some water
monsters out of the swamp and ground their bones to bits. And I
worked as a clerk in a convenience store for two whole weeks!
WARRIORS: (In awe.) Wow!
HROTHGAR: That can get rough!
UNFERTH: Hah! You beat up a couple of basketball players, you made
sushi and you sold old ladies lottery tickets and slushies! How
does that make you a warrior?
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BEOWULF: (To HROTHGAR.) This guy’s getting on my nerves.
HROTHGAR: Unferth, put a sock in it!
UNFERTH: But my career depends on taunts.
BEOWULF: Why don’t you join me in my fight against the evil
Grendel?
UNFERTH: I taunt people. I’m not stupid.
BEOWULF: But you are irritating.
HROTHGAR: How do you plan on fighting Grendel?
BEOWULF: I have heard that the monster cares not for weapons.
Therefore, I shall forsake sword and shield and take on the evil one
in hand-to-hand combat.
HROTHGAR: Wow! You’re really brave!
UNFERTH: Or really stupid.
BEOWULF: Should the monster take me, should I die in the pursuit of
peace and security, you need not bury my body. Burn it on a funeral
pyre! I shall go down as a warrior does!
UNFERTH: If Grendel defeats you, you’ll go down his gullet like a
cherry pie at a Fourth of July picnic.
BEOWULF: (To HROTHGAR.) I really don’t like him.
HROTHGAR: Unferth, be gone! You’re depressing us! (UNFERTH slinks
UPSTAGE.) And now, I shall throw a great feast to honor Beowulf!
BEOWULF: Thanks, but my birthday’s not for three more months.
HROTHGAR: We shall celebrate the mighty warrior! We shall shower
him with gifts, and we shall sing songs in his honor! Now, who
would like to start with the gift showering? (No one moves.) Come
on! We have to honor Beowulf in the great tradition of the Danes!
Someone come forward with a gift, or I’ll have his head! (WARRIOR
1 steps forward and hands BEOWULF a coupon card.)
WARRIOR 1: Here. It’s good for one free rental at Blockbuster. (Other
WARRIORS come forward one at a time.)
BEOWULF: Thanks.
WARRIOR 2: (Hands BEOWULF a small container.) Silly Putty. You can
roll it up and it bounces like a ball.
BEOWULF: Cool.
WARRIOR 2: (Holds up a whoopee cushion.) I also got this for you. It’s
a whoopee cushion.
BEOWULF: What does it do?
WARRIOR 2: I’ll show you. (Inflates whoopee cushion and demonstrates.)
It goes over big at the mead-hall. (Hands whoopee cushion to
BEOWULF.) I used it once on the priest. It was really funny… to
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everybody but him. I had to say a lot of contritions, but it was worth
it.
BEOWULF: I’ll remember that.
WARRIOR 3: (Hands BEOWULF a bag from a fast food chain.) Uh…
like… here’s my lunch. I want you to have it.
BEOWULF: (Takes a wrapped burger from the bag. He unwraps the
burger and holds it up. A bite has been taken from the burger.) Uh…
a burger… that someone bit.
WARRIOR 3: Yeah. It’s real good. I wish I could have the rest of it.
BEOWULF: (Hands the burger back to WARRIOR 3.) I couldn’t take this
from you… know what it means and all.
WARRIOR 3: Wow! Thanks! (Eagerly eats the burger.)
WARRIOR 4: (Hands BEOWULF a box. BEOWULF removes a Barbie doll.)
It’s Lady Macbeth Barbie. She makes her husband commit an act
of cold-blooded homicide, and she loses her mind and walks in her
sleep. Look! Her hands are covered with blood spots.
BEOWULF: Well… I don’t know what to say. I’d give it to my little
daughter… if I had a little daughter… and she was psychotic.
HROTHGAR: And from the king, the best gift of all! Go look outside.
(BEOWULF crosses LEFT and looks OFFSTAGE.) Uh… the other
outside. (Points RIGHT.)
BEOWULF: (Crosses RIGHT and looks OFFSTAGE.) I see a horse. A
really tiny horse.
HROTHGAR: A pony!
BEOWULF: (Not impressed.) That’s great. Do I eat it or something?
HROTHGAR: No! You ride it!
BEOWULF: But my feet would drag on the ground. And I’d probably
break its little back.
HROTHGAR: You think it’s cute, don’t you? (ALL of the WARRIORS look
knowingly at BEOWULF.)
BEOWULF: Oh yeah. It’s cute, all right.
HROTHGAR: Now we need a good old-fashioned Danish song of
encouragement.
WARRIOR 3: I know just the song!
(Sings.) A hundred bottles of mead on the wall,
A hundred bottles of mead…
Take one down, pass it around,
Ninety-nine bottles of mead on the wall…
HROTHGAR: (Interrupts.) Let’s not sing that one.
WARRIOR 3: Why not?
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End of Script Sample
PRODUCTION NOTES
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PROPERTIES
ONSTAGE: Teacher’s desk, student desks or tables, optional set
pieces—fireplace, deer on spit, wall decorations (swords, stuffed
animal heads, team picture).
BROUGHT ON, Scene One:
Backpacks (one contains a sandwich), notebooks, etc.
(STUDENTS)
BROUGHT ON, Scene Two:
Handheld microphones (JEFF, CHRISTINE, BOBBY)
Ancient looking mugs (WARRIORS)
Royal looking mug (HROTHGAR)
Cell phone (MRS. GRENDEL)
Business card (BEOWULF)
Coupon card (WARRIOR 1)
Silly Putty, whoopee cushion (WARRIOR 2)
Bag and wrapped burger from a fast food restaurant (WARRIOR 3)
“Lady Macbeth” Barbie in a box (WARRIOR 4)
Fake hand (GRENDEL)
BROUGHT ON, Scene Three:
Handheld microphones (JEFF, CHRISTINE, BOBBY)
Cell phone (MRS. GRENDEL)
Various articles of clothing, shoe, wig (THROWN ONSTAGE)
Cardboard boxes (BEOWULF)
BROUGHT ON, Scene Four:
Handheld microphones (JEFF, CHRISTINE, BOBBY)
Gift-wrapped packages (HROTHGAR)
Business card (WIGLAF)
Lighter [or flashlight] (DRAGON HEAD)
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SOUND EFFECTS
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Fighting sounds, growl
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costuming
MRS. GULCH wears dated clothes, cat eye glasses and a cardigan
sweater.
STUDENTS should wear contemporary kids clothes in Scene One.
Then they are students playing characters, so costumes can be
as authentic or fake as you want, or they could just stay in their
regular street clothes.
GINA, (as MRS. GULCH) should wear as close to the exact same thing
as MRS. GULCH.
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JEFF, CHRISTINE and BOBBY should look like a news team. JEFF’S
clothes should look muddy after he gets lost in the swamp.
WARRIORS, including UNFERTH, should wear Teutonic helmets with
horns, football helmets, motorcycle helmets, beanies, or anything
else they can find in their attics.
HROTHGAR should be the gaudiest of all.
BEOWULF should look a little different than the WARRIORS.
MRS. GRENDEL wears a housecoat, slippers and a hair net.
GRENDEL wears a bathrobe in his first scene and possibly the whole
play, but should look like some sort of a monster.
HYGELAC and QUEEN should dress as royalty.
WIGLAF and THIEF can dress however the director sees fit.
The DRAGON consists of a line of students with hands on the shoulders
of the person in front. They move and speak together.
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P H OTO C O P Y I N G T H I S S C R I P T B R E A K S F E D E RA L C O P Y R I G H T L AW S
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