“There’s so
much more
ahead.”
Diversity
“It’s about
accepting
people for
who they
are.”
“Climb over
the rocks
in your way.”
Equality
© 2013 Wells Fargo Bank N.A. All Rights Reserved. ECG 910399
Inclusion
It gets
better
Reflections from
Wells Fargo team members
The It Gets Better Project was created to
provide hope to the LGBT community by
letting them know that it really does get better.
Some of our team members have contributed
their voices to the project, and we found their
stories so moving we decided to share them
with you here. We think you’ll find them
poignant, inspiring, and most of all, hopeful.
2 of 23
Meet the Wells Fargo team members who shared their stories with us. Mouse over each team
member’s photo to see
names and titles, then click
to read their moving stories.
START OVER
3 of 21
Make a career of humanity It’s a great time to be alive. So much has
happened from when I was young to where
we are now. The civil rights movement, the
women’s movement, the equal rights
movement, and now the LGBT movement.
I appreciated diversity before I even knew
what diversity meant. My family is
multi-racial — African American, Native
Wendell Carl Blaylock American, and Caucasian. You can tell that
Senior Human
we’re all related, but people in my family
Resources Advisor
have blue eyes, blonde hair, green eyes,
the list goes on. We’re really diverse.
I started to feel I was different regarding my sexual orientation
in high school. I was different from a racial perspective, but there
was something else that was difficult to understand. I tried to come to
terms with it but I didn’t have someone that I could talk to about it.
When I was young I read something by Martin Luther King, Jr.
He said to make a career of humanity. Commit yourself to the noble
struggle for equal rights. You’ll make a greater person of yourself,
a greater nation of your country, and a finer world to live in.
My father was in the military, and military bases had been diverse
since 1948, when after World War II President Truman integrated
the armed services. When we moved to Texas in my last year of high
school, out of 2,000 students less than 10 of us were minorities,
including myself, my brother, my sister.
Don’t suffer in silence. I have tried to live my life by what Martin
Luther King, Jr. said. I’ve committed myself to the noble struggle for
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equal rights. Things will get better, but you have to take an active
part to make it better.
I went to a conservative college in a small southern town. There were
very few people of color. I was there because I had a full academic
scholarship, but because I didn’t play on the football or basketball
teams, a lot of the kids wondered what I was doing there.
In college I spent a lot of time reading and with my music. I played
four instruments, which was very calming. I also ran a lot. If I felt
depressed, I’d go out for a run.
When I was very young, we didn’t have the civil rights act. A lot of
communities were segregated. When I visited my grandmother in
Alabama, the corner drug store had separate water fountains for
whites and “colored.” At the movies in Georgia, all the blacks sat in
the balcony while the whites sat downstairs.
Young people need people they can talk to like parents, a sibling or
another family member, a teacher, a counselor, maybe someone at a
local LGBT center, a friend. It doesn’t matter. The important thing is
to have someone that respects and values you.
There were times that running didn’t help. The depression would
overwhelm me. I would go out drinking by myself because I didn’t
know what to do and didn’t know who to talk with. There were times
I don’t even know how I got back to the dorm.
In graduate school I met someone who became my roommate
and my best friend. We’re still best friends. He was the person
I never really had as a child. We could talk. I could tell him how
I felt. He would tell me how he felt. As an ally he’s had a tremendous
impact on my life.
4 of 21
It’s a family affair Very few people had an issue with my
sexuality. It was surprising. If anything,
they were just curious. They wanted to know
how two women start a family, how we’re
going to raise a child, things like that. I’ve
had conversations with people that I wouldn’t
have expected. It’s really been a positive
experience.
Renee Brown
Director of Enterprise
Social Media
I’m a south Louisiana girl. I was born in
Cajun country and lived in rural south
Louisiana when I was young. I started in radio
at 16, so I started working at an early age and
got nine years of media experience. I’ve been in banking and financial
services ever since.
My partner and I have been together for 15 years. There was a time
when I lived in New Orleans right by Bourbon Street. I was single and
living it up, but there came a time for me to settle down. Then 15 years
ago I met my partner and we’ve been together ever since. We have
a nine-year-old daughter who is the light of our lives. She keeps us
young, teaches us something every day.
I had to come out in the workplace when I was pregnant. Being a
lesbian, people were asking a lot of questions, like if I was married.
I admit, it was fun to say, “No, I’m not married.”
My partner and I are very active in our church. I have a long history
with religion, but it wasn’t positive when I was growing up. But my
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partner wanted me to get back into a church when I was pregnant,
and that’s turned out to be a good thing.
Deciding to have a child was easier than the process, but I imagine
that the types of struggles we’ve had are not unlike the ones straight
couples experience. Raising a child really is the hardest thing you’ll
ever do, but it’s also the most wonderful thing you’ll ever do.
There are lot more straight people than gay people at our church.
Gay families and straight families come together, so it’s a wonderful
experience for our daughter. She’s being raised in a place where
gender, orientation, and color do not matter to anyone. Everyone
accepts everyone.
Here’s a great story. When my daughter was three or four, we were
at a local swimming pool and both of us were standing there and this
boy said to her, “Where’s your Dad?” And she said, “I don’t have a Dad,
I have two moms.” I worried how the boy would react. But he just said
an innocent “Okay” and swam away. Some kids have even said she’s
lucky to have two moms.
We haven’t experienced discrimination as a family. We do get looks
every once in a while, and sometimes people wonder if my partner
and I are sisters rather than partners. But what’s neat is once people
meet us and get to know us, we end up having so much in common.
Actually, we used to hang out with mostly gay people, but now we
mainly spend our time with straight people who have kids. We’re a
family and they’re families, so we have a lot in common.
5 of 21
A rewarding journey In Hong Kong, homosexuality is not
accepted, especially when I was there in the
‘80s. It’s just not part of society. Things have
improved but it’s still not accepted because of
the culture.
Marcus Cheung
Analytics Consultant,
Corporate Finance
When I came out, there wasn’t much
information available to help me decide
what to do. Fortunately, I was in college at the
time and went to the gay and lesbian society
for a meeting. That’s when I started to accept
myself and explore that part of my life.
Wells Fargo has been really supportive. I’ve been fortunate to have
such outstanding management, which has built my confidence a lot
compared to who I was 15 years ago. I’m a different person. I’m more
outgoing and more self-assured. The best thing is that I’m more
accepting of who I am. I’m a better person.
As a teenager I felt very much alone, and nobody knew the secret
that I was hiding. For many of you out there who are in your teenage
years, who feel alone, who live in a small town, in an area where you’re
not comfortable talking about being gay or being a lesbian, I tell you
that things will get better. It may not get better tomorrow, but things
will get better.
I was born and raised in Hong Kong and moved to the U.S.
when I was 20. To say I experienced a culture shock would be an
ALL TEAM MEMBERS
understatement, but I embraced my new home. After I finished
college, I moved to Charlotte, North Carolina, because of a
job opportunity.
At about 10 years old was when I first realized that I was gay.
In middle school I remember being more interested in the boys than
the girls. Of course, I didn’t share that with my friends at the time.
Instinctively, I knew that I had to keep those feelings to myself.
Truly accepting myself was a slow process. It happened sometime
in my 20s, and even then it was hard to talk to my parents about my
homosexuality. I didn’t even come out to them voluntarily — it came
up as a series of discussions. Then one time they asked me point
blank if I’m gay. I had told myself before, if they ever ask me that
question, I’ll tell the truth. I won’t lie, it was a difficult conversation
and hard for all of us.
My partner and I have been together for about 15 years.
Some years passed before things settled down between my parents
and me. We weren’t speaking much, but over time we grew together
again. Coming out improved our relationship because the truth
came out.
Many times I wondered: what if I wasn’t gay? The journey has been
difficult at times, but I’ve learned so much. I wouldn’t want to lose
those lessons. I would not be the same person today if I was straight.
6 of 21
Don’t let other people define who you are
Larry Cook
Manager Enterprise
Risk Management
Technology
I was definitely bullied in my early teenage
years, which is odd because I’m a big person.
But I didn’t think of myself that way, and
the people around me saw I didn’t have the
same types of interests that they did. I didn’t
have the same sexual affections that they did.
Obviously I stood out and people picked on
me.
I started with Wells Fargo in 1990, and I
began to meet people who are of what we
now call PRIDE in an underground network.
It was a meeting of minds and discovering
there are people in the organization like me.
I’ve been gay as long as I can remember, and I have been out for
a long time. I’ve been involved with many things in the community,
including being a treasurer of an AIDS organization. I was also
Mr. San Francisco in the gay pride parade for fundraising that I
did in the early 90s.
At the age of 15, if you had told me, “Hey, Larry Cook, guess what,
you’re going to live in San Francisco. You’re going to work for this
huge company. You’re going to be a vice president in that company.”
I would have thought you’re out of your mind.
During my first few years of high school, it got to the point where I
wanted to kill myself. I thought, if I could get a jar of barbiturates and
some vodka, I could take care of this problem. Then I had an epiphany
and realized, no, this is not me. I’m not going to be defined by other
people and their negativity. I don’t know what triggered this feeling
but it was a wake-up call. This is their stuff, and I don’t have to buy
into what other people think. I’m not going to define myself by these
people’s negative emotions.
ALL TEAM MEMBERS
For anyone who feels badly about themselves, for those who’ve
been bullied or ignored: don’t think the best answer is to end your life.
The best answer is to continue to live. You are not the circumstances
around you. You are a unique individual on the planet.
When I was younger, when I began to realize I was different,
I didn’t have the same types of conversations and feelings that other
boys my age had. In fact, I don’t think I actually knew the word “gay.”
It felt awful to have people treat me so badly in school, especially
since it felt like nobody cared. Teachers or counselors didn’t care.
Some of the kids I had known from kindergarten were standing on
the sidelines watching, and in some cases they even participated in
this activity. They had found their cliques, and their cliques picked on
other people.
At my ten year high school reunion, I ran into some of the kids
who were absolutely awful to me. A couple of guys came up to me and
said, “I remember in high school we treated you very badly. You really
could have hurt us.” It was a great acknowledgment — they realized
that they had been hurtful and were trying to make amends for it years
later. That felt good.
I’ve accomplished a lot. LGBT people who are having troubles need
to understand that there’s a bigger world out there. I grew up in New
Munster, Wisconsin, but I also grew up on planet Earth, and there are
some really cool, great, exciting things about planet Earth. Set a goal.
Go for it. Go to France. Go to Rome.
I forgave the people who were mean to me, though I still carry the
memory of it. Luckily, I don’t have the anger anymore. I admit, if I
think about it hard enough, I can get myself mad, but there’s no use in
me being mad now.
7 of 21
A passion for the community
Stacy Crickenberger
Marketing Program Manager, Business Banking Marketing Strategy & Planning
One day a co-worker came into my office
shortly after I had come out. She was
crying and she gave me a hug. She said,
“I’m so proud of you and I want to let you
know you’ve completely changed as a person.
And I mean that in the best way because I
can really tell you’re being who you are.”
The beautiful part is that she wasn’t even a
close friend.
I spent a lot time deeply in the closet
because I always knew that I was gay, and
I had this fear of telling my parents and my
family. I was scared of what they would think
or how they would judge me. It was easier simply to do what I thought
was normal and be who they wanted me to be. Part of that included
getting married to a man, but I also had to go through the process of
getting a divorce.
At 34 years old I finally came out. I felt like that was late in life, and
I suppose the reason is so many of my friends were comfortable being
out at a very young age. I surrounded myself in the gay community
but was always the ally or the friend, so I never felt comfortable
coming out.
doing that. When you suppress feelings, when you hold back your
individuality, you’ll end up depressed and you’ll feel alone.
You’ll become insecure and you’ll have an identity crisis and
you’ll wake up in the morning and think, “I don’t know who I am.”
That’s the snowball effect of what happened to me because I
waited so long to come out and be me.
It wasn’t until I came to Wells Fargo and actually got involved
in some of the LGBT initiatives that I felt comfortable being me.
These initiatives just happened to relate to my job. I was helping with
our pride celebrations, and I met a fantastic group of people that were
very loving and very caring.
I realized I wanted to get involved in some community work and
decided that I wanted to be a leader in the LGBT community. I started
with an organization called Time-Out Youth, and I joined their board
of directors. Then I started working with the human rights campaign.
I just have a huge passion for this type of work.
If you’re not getting the support from your family and if you’re not
getting the support that you need from your friends, then seek out an
LGBT ally organization. They are there to help youth connect with
people who can help them through difficult times.
I had the ability to suppress my feelings, both to myself and to
anybody else in my life. But I started to feel the ramifications of
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8 of 21
Finding the open spaces
Gay life is no different from any other type
of living. There’s laughter, there’s sadness.
We’re all the same as far as emotions go.
Mario Diaz
Community Affairs
Representative,
Government and
Community Relations
Not only was I a late bloomer, I was kind
of in denial, too. In my family we didn’t talk
about my sexuality. It was never addressed.
I think my sister knew, but she essentially
told me I can’t say anything to mom and dad.
In life you discover there are many
patterns. One is that you just don’t do things
that are not going to make you feel good.
You’re going to go for the things that make
you feel good, and that’s the notion that I follow each day.
Growing up, I didn’t know how to capture those inner feelings that
would generate a feeling of goodness within me.
Today, people can be so open in terms of identifying with their
sexual orientation. But it’s not a priority for me, it’s not a part of
everything that I do. In my youth, I was totally naive about it. I didn’t
know anything beyond what people were saying.
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I discovered early in life a passion for art. I also developed a love for
open spaces, as we lived at the beach in Oxnard. That’s why till this
day, I prefer to be at a beach or in the country. I like views. I get high
from views. Anything with a view stimulates me.
As I grew up and started interacting with other people, I knew
that I was different but I couldn’t put a label on it. I knew inside that
it wasn’t because I was Mexican-American. I suppose the defining
moment came during my senior year in high school. It dawned on me
that I was going to be liberated from high school, and I could get away
from all the angst that was troubling me.
When I was going to junior college, I developed a circle of friends
that I identified with. We all happened to be gay and were all dealing
with the same issues at the same time. We’d go to clubs in Los Angeles.
The people who have a fear about anyone being gay are scared
because of the unknown. But I’m always impressed when people
change their way of thinking, which conveys that they’re evolving as
human beings. People are meant to evolve but some people restrict
themselves to what they know and read, to how they think life should
be. It’s sad because they miss out on so many experiences.
9 of 21
Being a teenager is hard enough
As a lesbian, I get to bring all of who I am
to work. Being LGBT isn’t just tolerated or
accepted, it’s actually embraced, which is part
of the beauty of this place. It’s the beauty we
see in the diversity of our team.
When I was young I got picked on a little
bit. Sometimes it was because I was a lesbian,
and sometimes it was because I was the only
Shelley Freeman
Jewish kid in my school. It was painful. I was
Regional Banking a girl and I was smart, but often found myself
President, Florida
pretending that I wasn’t so intelligent.
Then one day I had an important epiphany: the things that I was
being bullied about were the best things about me. I don’t think I
made a decision at that moment, in terms of living differently, but it
created a difference for me later when I began my life as an adult.
I’m on the board of the Point Foundation. We award college
scholarships and graduate school scholarships to the most amazing
young LGBT people you could ever meet. I got involved because I’m
so lucky that I had parents who supported me and made sure I got a
college education.
I had loving parents who early on realized that I had some
differences, and they couldn’t have been more supportive. So I grew
up in a home that was warm and accepting and wonderful. It was
outside of the house that I had problems.
So many LGBT young people are disenfranchised from their
families. It boggles my mind how a parent can do that, but it still
happens a lot today. The Point Foundation was established to help
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these extraordinary young people get a university education. To be deprived of that, to be so intelligent and such a terrific leader and to be deprived of that because of your family — that’s a tragedy.
Being a teenager is hard enough, but being a lesbian teenager was extremely difficult. Those were tough years. But at that time, I realized that this difference of mine was also a gift, the greatest gift I have.
Twelve states out of 50 now allow gay and lesbian people to legally get married. Soon there will be more. We have a president of the United States who supports marriage equality. The world is so different now.
As a kid I didn’t think a lot about fitting in that much. I felt that I wanted to be invisible, but maybe that’s actually the same thing as fitting in. The future is so much brighter for kids growing up today. You see so many images of gay and lesbian people everywhere. They’re on television, in magazines, in the movies. There are athletes like Olympic soccer players coming out. There are so many people who can inspire young LGBT people and make them feel confident about their future.
My stepfather was a college professor, so there were always people around the house from academia who had gay and lesbian friends. This is back in the 60s, and between the ages of about 7 and 10 I was exposed to people whom I connected with. I looked at these people and said, okay, I get it. The grownup life will come later. I just have to get through this now.
10 of 21
Trust the people who love you
The coming-out process was helped by
the fact that I became close to another man,
which gave me the confidence to realize that
what I felt was legitimate, that it was real.
I realized that I didn’t have to question the
love. Once I realized that, it became a lot
easier to talk to other people.
There was a decade in between realizing
that I was gay and being comfortable
enough to tell my family and friends.
Over that decade, I was building up the
confidence and trying to accept the fact that
people were going to accept me.
Jeffrey Gubitosi
Marketing Consultant,
Wells Fargo Asset
Management
I first realized I might be gay in second or third grade. I started to
question things. I was trying to understand why I might be different
compared to other people and what they were experiencing. And as
the years went on, the questions only multiplied.
For anyone battling with their feelings, the key is to have more
confidence in yourself and more confidence in the people that you
love. A lot of times we build insecurities and think that people won’t
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accept us, but in many cases that’s not true at all. You don’t have to
go through all those years of thinking otherwise. The sooner you’re
confident in yourself, the sooner people will accept you.
If I could go back in time, I’d tell myself to put a little more trust
in the people that loved me. I suppose it was a lack of confidence and
not believing that those who said they loved me really did love me.
Because when I was truthful with them, I learned that they really did
care for me.
Allies are important for the cause because they provide a backbone
for what we’re experiencing. We have a place where we can fall back.
As a group it can be difficult to get your message across when you’re
only speaking from within the group. But it takes people you know,
who are familiar with what you’re experiencing to really understand
and provide help.
The best way I can describe it is like having a giant weight being
lifted off my shoulders that I don’t have to carry around anymore.
I remember all the years of feeling that being gay was something I put
in front of someone before I could even get to know them. It was
a barrier, but now it’s gone.
11 of 21
Peeling back the layers
There was a time where I concealed myself.
Although I’m very social and get along with
lots of people, I’d get quiet whenever the
topic of lesbian, gay, transgender, or bisexual
would come up. I wouldn’t participate in the
conversation. At least that’s how I acted in
my 20s and 30s.
Donna Hill
Business Systems
Consultant,
Technology &
Operations
My passion is music. I’m actually a
conductor. I direct festival singers in a small
chamber choir, so I get to do what I love.
But I’m lucky to have a great day job at
Wells Fargo.
In my early 20s is when I first realized that I was a lesbian. I
probably knew earlier, but during college is when it all came to the
surface for me. Once I left home and became more aware of myself,
I took the time to work through things.
Everyone has to speak up for the LGBT community. It’s important
for young people to know that they should fully be themselves in
every area of their lives. In the areas where there may be struggle,
I encourage them to discover and dig a little deeper. Find a friend or a
family member, or someone you have confidence in to help you figure
out how to overcome your struggles.
I went through my 20s, 30s, 40s, and now I’m going through my
50s. In all of those timeframes in my life, it’s been a gradual process
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of discovery, like peeling back layers of an onion. I kept peeling back
layers to determine how I can really be my full self in every aspect of
my life.
We all have been given special gifts, and it’s my hope that each of
us can discover our own gifts. It’s so important for everyone to just be
who they are so they can share those gifts with the people around them.
I would get quiet because I was scared to put my voice in the room.
I was scared to say, hey guys, I’m gay and this is how it makes me
feel when this happens or that happens. When I finally decided that
I was going to speak up and contribute to the conversation, it’s not
like I had to wave a flag and raise my hand and say, guess what, I’m a
lesbian. I just had to just speak from my heart — and that’s what I did.
I often talk with young folks in the LGBT community and try to
give them as much encouragement as I can. I’m really excited for
the younger generation because this conversation is so much more
public. It’s a conversation about accepting people for who they are,
and I love the opportunity to help any young person, or anybody for
that matter.
When I became free, I became willing to speak up. I’m not worried
about what people think, if they’re going to like me or if they’re not
going to like me. It’s not going to matter. The only thing that counts is
to be my full self and give people an opportunity to get to know who I am.
12 of 21
Happy and at peace
Rodolfo Joaquin
Treasury Services
Associate, Treasury
Management
I’m not going to sugar coat it. Coming out
and being accepted is not easy. But you
have to get self-motivated. To all the people
that bully you, your reward will be when
you’re successful and you’re doing what you
want to do and you’re happy either in your
professional or family life. I hate to say it,
but that’s the best revenge.
I felt that nobody understood me. I felt
that my friends were not really my friends
because they didn’t know the real me.
The worst part of hiding was hiding it from
my family, and the worst part of that was the fear that if I came out
they would reject me.
The Philippines is a very Catholic country, and homosexuality is
considered a sin. When I was growing up, you were either masculine
or feminine, there was nothing in between. The hardest part of being
gay in the Philippines was you could never be true to yourself, your
friends or family.
My mother had diabetes and she was getting sicker every year.
I realized if I didn’t come out to her, I might lose the chance. I first
came out to my brothers because they knew I was gay. They accepted
me, and it was one small step. But the hardest hurdle was telling my
mother, who was very religious.
ALL TEAM MEMBERS
Don’t despair. Arm yourself with skills by going to school, getting
experience in the world and finding friends that will help you through
the hard times. Trust me — there will be good days and those will get
you through the bad days.
I said mom, “I need to tell you something and hopefully you
will understand.” I simply said “I’m gay,” and at first she didn’t
understand what I meant. “What do you mean by gay? You’re happy.
You’ve always been a cheerful son.” I told her that I’m gay in the sense
that I’m attracted to men rather than females. Then there was this
pause in her face and she said, “I’ve always known you were different,
but different doesn’t make you any less my son. I love you. The only
thing is I wish that you hadn’t carried this pain for so long.”
I was bullied a lot during elementary school and high school. I wasn’t
good in academics or good in athletics, which only made me feel like
more of an outsider. I felt like an outsider all the time while growing up.
I’m a first-generation Filipino, and I moved to Charlotte 10 years
ago. I moved from Manila. It was a major adjustment living in the
South, but now I love it.
Although I identify myself as being gay, there was a time when I
was conflicted with that particular label. I’m now happy and at peace.
When you have to hide who you are because you’re different,
that’s really hard.
13 of 21
Walk through life unafraid
I kept my desire to be a girl inside until I
was 33. That’s when it finally dawned on me.
You’re so happy being Ayme, just change
your name to Ayme and put Michael away,
which is what I did.
The local bully and his buddies cornered
me in the bathroom, and I kept trying to
walk past them. I kept saying, “I don’t want
Ayme Kantz
to fight you, I don’t want to fight you.” There
Administrative
was no place to run because they had blocked
Assistant,
Wholesale Marketing
and locked the door. I was surrounded and
then something snapped inside me, it was
a classic fight or flight response. I just exploded on this guy and hit him, kicked him, punched him. The next thing I know he’s on the floor of the bathroom curled up in a ball, and I’m still pounding and he’s crying. I walked out and shaking and furious and angry, but I realized I can stick up for myself. Violence is not the answer, but in this case I had no choice.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and think, today I’m going to get harassed. Or today is the day someone’s going to clock me on the street. My radar is up wherever I go, and if I make eye contact with strangers on the street I smile at them, and when they smile back it feels good. Part of my involvement in the community stems from the lack
of personal relationships I have trouble forming. That’s why I give
something of me to my community. I’m an advocate for workplace
equality at Wells Fargo, and I speak to our transgender population.
I try to get upper leadership to not only talk the talk but walk the
walk in terms of retaining these employees.
Somewhere about 7 years old I knew I wanted to be a girl, but I also
knew that was taboo. This was the 60s, the era of the Cold War and
space races, before the age of personal computers. We were lucky to
have a cassette player or an 8-track in the car or a color TV.
I wore my hair long and was scrawny. No one knew about my
gender identity issues in junior high school. I kept that very,
very hidden.
Bystanders are the hardest to reach. They don’t want to get involved
or be perceived as being gay or different themselves.
When you walk through life unafraid, you’re making the world a
better place just by being there. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Hang
on a little while longer until you’re old enough at least to vote or at
least get a drink. Then you can make your way out in the world and
be your authentic self. Don’t lie to yourself anymore. It’s going to get
better. I’m proof of that.
I was married and would cross-dress on weekends. She was tolerant
but not supportive and we were leaning toward separating. Then one
I’m 56 and a big music hound. I’m a musician, I like to write songs, day she basically forced me to tell my mom about my cross-dressing.
and I love to dance.
She said if I didn’t tell mom, she would tell her. So I finally told my
I live on my boat in Jack London Square in the Oakland estuary. mom about everything, and she looked at me and said, “Well, I knew.
I love it — I get rocked to sleep every night and see the most awesome But it’s okay. I love you anyway.”
sunsets and sunrises. I use the boat to raise money for charities and nonprofits. I raise money for Alzheimer’s research, Project Open Hand,
and Habitat for Humanity. ALL TEAM MEMBERS
14 of 21
Straight talk
I am a champion of the downtrodden. I was
always picked on. I was very small, very frail,
weak, and shy. I was basically the antithesis of
what a boisterous young man should be, and
because of that I was ostracized and made to
feel inadequate.
I’m straight, but I was a victim of bullying
growing up, and bullying can take all sorts
Stefan Lawrence
of forms. People are bullied for their size,
Senior Counsel
for the way they look, or maybe they’re shy
and sensitive and not outgoing. People are
even bullied because they come from a poor family and maybe have
to wear the same clothes to school every day. Those are actually the
things that I experienced growing up, so I can identify with victims
of bullying.
After years and years of abuse, I finally resolved to change myself.
I realized that I wanted to do everything in my power to make sure
that I never treat anybody else the way I was treated. I wanted to make
sure that I do everything in my power to help prevent others from
bullying.
One thing that helped me overcome my sense of victimhood was
having somebody believe in me. That person was Sue, my first
girlfriend. She taught me that I was worth something. Sue made me
believe in myself when I didn’t. She taught me that I was special when
I didn’t think I was special. She taught me that I was unique, that my
differences weren’t negatives but actually positives.
ALL TEAM MEMBERS
I felt like I was on an island, meaning that nobody else could
understand what I was going through. And in a strange way, it made
me feel sorry for the people who bullied me because they didn’t know
me. They didn’t know my strengths, or the fact that I could make
people laugh. They had no clue that I was caring and compassionate.
Believe in yourself, because it does get better. When you’re
experiencing bullying, you feel like you’re alone. You feel like nobody
understands you, nobody can appreciate you, but what you need to
realize is that there are millions of people out there who experience
the same thing you experience. There are many people who care
about you.
I got involved with the It Gets Better project through my work on
the diversity council at Wells Fargo. I was a member of the diversity
council, and in our legal office in Los Angeles each quarter we put on
a diversity event. Initially I wanted to do something on bullying in
general, but then somebody mentioned It Gets Better. I didn’t know
a lot about it, but after doing research I realized they’re a worthwhile
organization. They’re not just talking about bullying — they’re actually
doing something about it.
Things can seem hopeless, like they’re never going to get better,
but that’s simply not the case. There are so many of us out here who
love you, who respect you, who accept you, who adore you. There’s
nothing at all wrong with you. You’re wonderful just the way you are.
15 of 21
The courage to stand up
When I was in the third grade, my parents
moved us to a Catholic school in downtown
Macon. From the third grade through the
eighth grade I was the only black and the
only protestant. I have a boy’s name and
was African American, so I was harassed
for everything.
I didn’t understand how people could be judged solely on
the basis of the color of their skin. Yet I tried to assimilate.
I wanted my mother to press my hair so that it would be straight.
I grew up in Macon, Georgia, in the late
60s and early 70s when there were still
race riots and open discrimination based
on race. My father and my grandfather were
both dentists and were prominent in the community, but even they
experienced a significant amount of racism.
The more muscle you build, the more skill you develop for
overcoming obstacles, the easier it becomes to deal with difficult
situations. You also learn a lot about yourself along the way.
Jimmie Paschall
Head of Enterprise
Diversity & Inclusion
Kids would have parties at the skating rink, and the man that ran
the Ku Klux Klan ran the skating rink, so African Americans weren’t
allowed. No one was sensitive to the fact that the whole class would
be invited, or all the girls in the class would be invited, but I wasn’t
able to attend. I felt left out, hurt and alone, but this was part of a
series of these types of situations where I just had to move past it.
My parents created a loving and nurturing home and provided
a lot of support. But I was going out into a world every day that
judged me based on the color of my skin and treated me differently,
so throughout my life I’ve seen a lot of these types of situations
and circumstances as they apply to other people. It’s given me the
sensitivity and the courage to actually stand up for them.
You have to understand the context of my youth. You turned on the
news every day and you saw Martin Luther King, Jr. and other civil
rights leaders. You saw multiple people who lost their lives fighting
for equality. On one level there was hope, but on another there was
disillusionment.
ALL TEAM MEMBERS
My youth in Georgia prepared me for life because life is full
of people who judge and mistreat and make unfair assumptions.
Going through those difficult times shaped what I chose to do
professionally and how I chose to fight for fair treatment and equality.
Everyone has a responsibility to be courageous and step in
when they witness something unfair. Whether it’s bullying or racism,
people too often stand by and watch because they don’t have the
courage to differentiate themselves from the pack. We may risk
ostracism from people we consider friends, but we have to take a stand.
During 9th grade I moved to another school where there was
more racial diversity than at my previous school. At that point I was
comfortable with white kids, which strangely created problems for me
with the black kids. I had straight hair with skin the color of a brown
paper bag, so the black kids thought I wasn’t black enough. On top of
that, the white parents wouldn’t allow their kids to spend a lot of time
with me.
When you’re experiencing tough situations, you think you are
alone or you can’t imagine that anybody else is going through the
same thing. But I can tell you that everybody deals with some level
of adversity. It absolutely does get better.
16 of 21
Shine a light
Robert Propst
International Global
Expansion Delivery
Manager, International
Banking
I remember as a child when we moved to a
small town out in the country. There was a
small creek about 200 yards from the house,
and it ran for many miles and I spent a lot
of time in my childhood just walking up and
down the banks of that creek. I was trying to
create some normalcy for myself because that
was the place I could go where no one would
ever tell me that something was wrong with
me, or that I should change, or what I was
feeling wasn’t good or wasn’t right.
There was only one time when I was
actually beat up and called a fag.
I have message for everyone who feels lonely or afraid or unloved
or unaccepted. Sometimes in the darkest hour is when the light
begins to shine.
My first memory of being different was when I was in kindergarten,
and we were playing a game called ring around the rosy. You’d all get
in a group and hold hands. I remember I wanted to hold the hand of a
boy instead of a girl, and the kindergarten teacher would not let me do
that. We had to be boy-girl, boy-girl, and I didn’t like that because
I didn’t want to hold a girl’s hand. I wanted to hold a boy’s hand.
That’s really my first memory of wanting to do something and being
told that was wrong and not acceptable.
ALL TEAM MEMBERS
I was raised in a small southern town, in a very religious family,
and I was taught that being gay was wrong. It took me a long time to
come to terms with the fact that I was okay.
As a child, during all of the struggles, in those many dark hours,
I had a wonderful teacher, a straight woman named Mrs. Swiesgood
who knew I was different and she took such great care of ensuring that
I was okay in school. I knew I could always go into her classroom.
As we grow up, we all have situations where we feel ostracized or
bullied or treated differently. But at the same time, we all have a need
or desire to feel wanted and included and loved, and it’s a terrible
feeling to not be accepted. When you’re on the playground and you’re
the last person to be picked, you feel so unwanted and unloved.
No one feels good about that.
In retrospect, that teacher was my first straight ally. Years later,
after I had graduated from college and after I had accepted myself,
my mother told me that Mrs. Swiesgood’s husband had died. I wrote
her to offer my condolences for the loss of her husband, and I ended
up writing her this three-page letter telling her how grateful I was
for all that she had done for me. About a week later, I got back this
amazing letter telling me how much my letter meant to her.
Her handwriting was always so southern and wonderful. I still
have that letter.
I live in Charlotte with my partner of four years. We love to travel.
I love to garden. I love to cook and have fun with friends.
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We learn the most from the difficult times It became apparent rather quickly that
my brother was the center of a lot of
jokes. People were teasing him. During our
freshman year, in the yearbook there was a
picture of my brother with “Bozo” underneath
his picture. Someone from the yearbook
committee did that.
What should have been a really good time
in his life was a horrible time. We talked
about it a lot and the thing he discussed the
most was his isolation. Just feeling like there
wasn’t anyone else like him. There wasn’t anyone that could know
what he was going through.
Lisa Stevens
President, West Coast
Regional Banking
We used to call our dad Archie Bunker because he was a Marine.
Our rooms had to be perfectly clean. He had a super strong work
ethic. There were expectations and a belief that he would never
accept the fact that his son was gay.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that I learn far more from my
mistakes and my difficult times than I do from my successes. There
are moments in your life that are incredibly happy like the wedding
or the birth of a child, but it’s those times when things are incredibly
difficult or hard where you learn the most.
These boys would throw balls at my head and call me all sorts of
names, so I had sensitivity to what it felt like to be scared to go to
school every day. During seventh and eighth grade I got bullied so
much that we had to change our phone number. We would constantly
get prank calls over and over again, 20 to 30 a night.
ALL TEAM MEMBERS
The part that I love about It Gets Better is reaching out to people
that don’t have a sister, brother, or friend that they can go to when
they’re feeling isolated and lonely. We have to reach out and remind
them that time will pass and things will get better.
Brian was scared to tell dad because of a feeling that my dad was
going to disown him. My brother decided to tell him at a restaurant
because if he was in a public place my dad wouldn’t be able to yell at
him. Brian said, “There are two things I need to tell you. One is that
I’m gay and the second is that I have someone in my life. His name is
Michael and I really want you to meet him.” My dad said, “I love you
and you’re my son, and that’s all that matters. If you’re happy, then I’m
happy, too.”
The best thing about my being bullied is that my kids have no
tolerance for it. When they see someone who is being left out, when
they see someone that’s being picked on, they actually feel a need and
a desire to go stand up for those people. My brother and I tell them
stories about what happened and they say, “How did that happen?”
At my dad’s funeral, for his eulogy we mentioned that in life you
either constrict or you grow, and my dad was an example of a person
who got better with age.
My brother’s name is Brian, but he should be called Dr. Brian
Stevens. He has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and has a successful
practice in New York. He’s been with his partner, Michael, for more
than 22 years. He’s dedicated his life to helping other people who are
struggling to identify who they are. So something really incredible
did come out of his painful youth.
18 of 21
Climb over the rocks in your way
We didn’t have many people on TV that
were gay. When you did see them, they
were making fun of them. I was just a little
boy trying to make my way in the world.
But I knew it was something I needed to
keep inside, I needed to bury it deep and
not let it out.
John Stotler
Technology Manager,
Technology &
Operations
I’ve been very active in the Charlotte LGBT
community. I’m involved because I want to
make sure that future generations know there
are other people out there who are like them,
and that there are people to talk to for support.
During high school my best friend left for a different school, and
we had a fight over his girlfriend. I was writing him a note in class
one day and another boy saw I was writing a note to a guy. He spread
rumors that I was gay. The interesting thing is he didn’t know I was
gay, but I didn’t know either. Then the verbal bullying began. I was
ostracized from groups that I had been part of before. People who sat
with me at lunch would not sit with anymore. I became even more
alone in the world.
Anything is possible. It’s not always going to be an easy road, and
you may have to move some rocks out of your way. You may have to
climb over some rocks. You may have to think about things differently,
but deep down inside, you need to accept who you are and love who
you are. Once you do, you’ll begin to grow.
I grew up in the same small town where my parents and
grandparents grew up, and everybody knew everybody. My parents
were teachers at the school that I went to, so it was a very closeknit community.
ALL TEAM MEMBERS
Straight allies are incredibly important. The majority of people are
straight, and people react better to those who are like them. Hearing
about LGBT rights is often better received coming from a straight
person. That’s how we’ve been able to create advocates and change
the world.
At a diversity workshop, a woman once asked why we felt the
need to talk about being gay all the time. I said, “When you come to
work and sit down, you have pictures of your husband and your kids
on your desk. You can talk about them. Can you imagine if you were
afraid to talk about your husband or your kids or your family? If you
weren’t allowed to have their pictures on your desk? We’re just trying
to be accepted like everybody else.”
In the fourth or fifth grade, all of my friends started talking about
the girls in the class. Who was cute, who wasn’t cute, things like that.
I realized that I didn’t have the same thoughts. All the guys liked the
girls and all the girls liked the guys. But I had a crush on a guy in my
class, and I thought, well, maybe this is just something I’ll get over.
In college, my friends and I would go to this gay bar in Asheville.
Thursday nights was their “straight night”, so we would go there a lot.
One night, for the first time I saw two men together and they kind of
looked like me, and something kind of clicked in my head that this
was going to be okay.
There was a point when I wasn’t out at work. It was scary because
I didn’t know how people would react. I was starting my career and
didn’t want to jeopardize my chances, but a couple of years later I had
a senior manager. One day she stopped me in the hallway and looked
at me and said, “If anybody ever makes you uncomfortable, I want you
to come and tell me immediately.” That had the biggest impact on me.
From that point on I felt comfortable talking about my partner at work.
19 of 21
Everyone deserves the same rights Joyce Thomas
Executive Assistant,
Wells Fargo Operations
Gay issues never crossed my mind. It was
merely something that was out there, but
it didn’t affect me at all, and I guess I had a
negative concept. When my son Jeff told me
he was gay, I remember saying to him, “Jeff,
your life is going to be so hard. Why are you
choosing this? ”And he looked at me and
said, “Mom, I didn’t choose this. It’s who I am.
Why would I choose this knowing how hard
it’s going to make my life?”
For parents who suspect that their child
might be gay, please try to be patient. Let your child come to you at
their own time and in their own way, and don’t force the issue. Listen
to your child, because if you love your child you want what’s best
for them. And I don’t think any gay or lesbian child wants to hear
anything more than “I love you.”
I support Jeff and all my friends in the LGBT community, but I
wasn’t always so astute. When Jeff came out to me, I stood there like
a deer in the headlights because I had no idea. Many people said to
me afterwards, “Didn’t you see it coming?” I didn’t, so obviously it
was a shock.
I was just afraid. I was afraid for his safety. I hugged him and said
“I love you.”
My husband is used to fixing things. If you have a problem, you go
to him and he fixes it, and he couldn’t fix Jeff. He didn’t need fixing,
but at the time, if my husband could have waved a magic wand and
made Jeff straight, he would have.
Everyone needs to support the LGBT community. My son is a
professor and goes to work every day and pays his taxes. He shouldn’t
have to advocate for equal rights for himself. I will do that until the
ALL TEAM MEMBERS
day I die. Jeff deserves the same benefits, the same rights that my
straight daughters have.
At the time it was a loss of a dream. It was my picture of Jeff walking
down that aisle, getting married, having a child or two and settling
down into that life that we pictured for him from the day he was born.
That was gone.
I can actually tear up just thinking about it because it was
Christmas, 1995. Jeff and I were out for a walk, and he said he was
helping out one of his friends at an organization called GLAAD, which
is Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. As I’m prone to do, I
put my foot in my mouth because I said, “Jeff, that’s nice, but aren’t
people going to think that you’re gay?” Then he looked at me and
said, “Well, I am.”
When Jeff came out of the closet, my husband and I and our
immediate family went into our own closet. We only talked about it
among ourselves and it was a topic of discussion only when we were
together because it was so overwhelming — we could not tell anyone else.
We learned to understand by going to support groups and talking
to other people. Hearing their stories and having an opportunity
to listen to various speakers (clergy, psychologists, members of the
LGBT community, etc.) helped as well. Why we took it so hard baffles
me now, but I see people new to this experience going through the
same thing.
The most important thing is that Jeff is happy and I’m happy for
him. I would not change him one bit.
At PFLAG (Parents, Friends & Families of Lesbians and Gays) we
often have gays, lesbians, and transgender people come to us because
they’re disowned by their families. They come to tell us their stories
because they know we will accept them.
20 of 21
Strength from the strength of others
Maveric Vu
Communications
Consultant, Wholesale
Marketing & Internal
Communications
Vietnamese culture is very conservative.
It’s frowned upon to talk about your feelings,
to talk about something personal. That’s why
I really struggled with how I was going to tell
my father that I was gay. He’s a traditional
Vietnamese man, and I knew that he would
have a hard time coming to terms with the
fact that I was gay.
My drag name is Lychee Deja Vu Minnelli
and I belong to a drag troupe called the Rice
Rockettes. We try to infuse fun and camp
into a social space. In other words, we like to
shock, scare, and entertain people.
I grew up in a poor, tough neighborhood, and if you were different,
you were singled out and bullied. Thankfully I was able to avoid a lot
of that. Still, in that tough environment you had to constantly pretend
that you were something other than what you were. I tried as best as I
could, but I was teased and bullied lot.
Adolescence is tough for everyone, but being in the LGBT world
adds another layer of obstacle and hardship. You’re not only trying
to figure out who you are, but there’s anxiety about the possibility of
being something that society deems as wrong, something that your
family could find unforgivable.
ALL TEAM MEMBERS
I first realized I may be gay during middle school. I talked
differently than the other boys. I dressed differently. I had different
interests, and I always thought that something was wrong with me.
I didn’t come out to myself fully until I was a junior in high school.
So I spent about four to five years battling with the idea that I may
be gay.
There’s a message tattooed on the back of my arm. It’s from Kurt
Vonnegut’s novel Slaughterhouse-Five, and the phrase is “So it goes.”
And the underlying message is that bad things happen in life. It’s
a reality of being alive, but things will always get better. You will
overcome these obstacles and you will move past the things that you
believe are insurmountable.
There was the fear of being different. I was anxious and scared that
my family wouldn’t accept me, but at the time I felt a lot of confusion.
I knew I was different but didn’t know what different meant.
To move past the obstacles, I somehow drew strength from myself
as well as my support system. I’m the youngest of seven kids and
come from a very supportive family. A few close friends gave a lot of
support as well. I relied on their strength to find my own strength.
Everyone in the LGBT community is part of your family, whether
they are five miles away or across the world. There are people out
there who can and will help you. We’ve all been through what you are
going through. We are here to support you. There is hope.
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