Audition Monologues: These may be read, but it would be preferable to have them memorized. The more
prepared you are with these (i.e. memorized with character choices), the more likely you will be to get the
part you want. (These parts may also be read at callbacks.)
INTENSE VOICEOVER: (Male or Female)
In the fairy tale criminal justice system, the characters from fairy tales and nursery rhymes are
represented by two separate yet equally ridiculous groups: the fairy tale police who investigate
fairy tale crime, and the fairy tale district attorneys who prosecute the fairy tale offenders. These
are their stories.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------HANSEL/GRETEL: (German accent – all “Ws” are “Vs” and “th” becomes “z.”)
Ve cannot talk now; ve are busy feeding ze vild birdies. Ze candies ist very popular mit ze
birdies. Ze pigeons, zey prefer ze Junior Meentz (Junior Mints). Ze geese, zey go vild for ze
Tvizzlahs (Twizzlers). Und ze duckies? – Ze Goobahs (Goobers).
Vere you avare zat in some foreign lands, ze people feed ze birdies mit breadcrumbs?
Breadcrumbs! Can you believe zat? Ist nastygross! I get qveasy tummy just brainzinking of it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------UGLY D: (Female - CSI – Crime Scene Investigator. Very pretty, but wears glasses and pony
tail so she’s “disguised.”)
Well, I heard on the wire about the pile over on Chestnut. Based on that report and on the
workmanship here, it looks like the same perp. Identical approach on the building from the
backside; identical wind velocity. This time, though? Different substance. (Pause – then
simply) They’re sticks… And the other one was straw.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------PINOCCHIO: (Male or Female)
Okay. (Pause.) I’m what you’d call a test tube kid. There’s this rebel scientist – my “dad” –
who created me, and for some reason decided it would be a brilliant idea to endow me with an
unbelievably enormous honker. I think he read in Maxim that women like men with “striking
features.” He somehow translated “striking” as “huge,” and “feature” as “schnoz.” So he
merged the DNA of a human and an anteater, and tadahhh, Abercrombie model!
Oh, and as if that wasn’t enough, Doctor Frankenstupid thought it might be, I don’t know…fun?
A challenge?...if my nose were connected to nerve endings in my brain in such a way that when I
lie about anything, my trunk here grows three inches.
CAPTAIN: (Captain “Hook” blowing a gasket.) (Male or Female)
You two better have some news. If you don’t, it’s gonna be the opposite of a good morning if I
don’t hear some results. We’ve got two downed buildings and zero arrests. When I do the math,
that’s two buildings too many, and zero is a darn low number of arrests.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------DOC: (Male or Female)
We’re the Seven Dwarfs. (Beat.) Yes, I know what you’re thinking: none of us are that
dwarfish in size. You see, the Seven Dwarfs is our official team name. We belong to a 7-on-7
hoops league. The name was actually Coach White’s idea. We’re not short, but compared to
everyone else out on the court, we’re tiny. It’s all relative.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------WOLF: (The Big Bad accused Wolf. May or may not be guilty of multiple crimes.) (Male)
That’s not my name. (Pause.) I wanna talk. I gotta get it off my chest. (To STILTSKIN and
MERM.) My name is B.B. Wolf, yes, but that stands for Bernard Bartholomew Wolf. After the
Riding Hood incident, the tabloids invented “Big Bad.” I’m not bad, and I’m certainly not big.
I’m five-seven (or the height of the actor). That’s not big. Biggie Smalls was big. Not me. I’m
not big. I’m not bad – I’m just a small town wolf living in a lonely world. A wolf who always
seems to end up at the wrong place at the wrong time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------CINDY: (CSI – Crime Scene Investigator/Detective – AKA Rapunzel/Cinderella.) (Male or
Female)
No leads on our perp. And the boys downtown got nothin’ on the tenant either. But come take a
look at this.
(She holds up some straw.)
See this yellow-tinted, fibrous material here? We’re stumped on what it might be. Tommy ran it
through the Crime Scene Scanning Device and it told us diddly-squat. Whatever it is, the whole
building was made out of it. The only witnesses? Well, Blue questioned a husband and wife
who were a block away. (She hands H.D. a photo.) Running pretty fast from the scene, these
two. But they didn’t see anything, so we sent ‘em on their way.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------QUEENAN: District Attorney – Boss (Female)
Two houses in the same day, both taken down by a fan-toting wolf… Didn’t this same thing
happen in Eastwick a couple of months back? It was in the paper.
So you might say…that this case has been ripped from the headlines. (Pause.) Anyway –
headline ripping aside, we’ve got to talk about this B.B. Wolf character, who I don’t have to
remind you has been a thorn in my side for longer than I care to remember. I get grief from
Castle Hill every time Hairy Gary here walks. I need you to drop a net on this guppy. This case
has gotta be water-tight. Because I don’t care what you have to do: Stack the jury with a couple
of ringers if you have to. (Beat.) You didn’t hear that from me, though.